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Is flirting with a 19 year old at 28 creepy?
- Thread starter Bee.Cups
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I will say, as the person who was 19 and dating professors in their 30s and thought they were so grown...a lot of maturing happens at that age. A lot.
At 19, I thought I was so wise to the world. Now, in my 30s? I look back at 19 year old me like, "...oh you poor sweet Summer child."
It's not about how mature you think you are. You aren't. You can't even get into bars yet in this country. lol
At 19, I thought I was so wise to the world. Now, in my 30s? I look back at 19 year old me like, "...oh you poor sweet Summer child."
It's not about how mature you think you are. You aren't. You can't even get into bars yet in this country. lol
This power dynamic stuff also ignores that two people of the same age in the "same stage of life" or whatever the fuck might make very different amounts of money, which actually DOES lead to a huge power dynamic differential. Should people not date people who make more or less money than them as a result?
I think people need to do more work to argue the power dynamic angle if they're gonna bring it up.
If you're feeling conflicted about it, then that means you shouldn't do it. If you both are cool with it, then that's all that should matter.
Flirting and the occasional hook-up doesn't raise any issue at that age gap as you are both consenting adults, regardless of what the internet might say (I've seen some places online say a gap like that is tantamount to statutory rape). If you all do start dating in any serious capacity it might do you both well to reflect on and hash out the age difference and see where you two land on things.
Honestly…as someone who typically dated "younger" just due to my own lifestyle and experience, you really need to date someone who is at the very least able to drink legally and done with their undergrad or age equivalent. You're not going to get too much out of anyone under the age of 21, and even then it's a genuine struggle and will most certainly end in ruin if you both aren't willing to work incredibly hard. Sure the physical intimacy is great, but even then there is usually still something missing.
I will say that at 32 years old, the most fun I ever had with a woman was someone who was only 2 years younger than me, but still was youthful and fit and not encumbered by children. When you have shared life experiences it is second to none.
I will say that at 32 years old, the most fun I ever had with a woman was someone who was only 2 years younger than me, but still was youthful and fit and not encumbered by children. When you have shared life experiences it is second to none.
I really don't think it's a power dynamic issue, unless there's a workplace or educational component to the relationship.
It's just that 19-year-olds are absolutely not done with their cognitive development, and are prone to some really bizarre and damaging decision-making.
It's just that 19-year-olds are absolutely not done with their cognitive development, and are prone to some really bizarre and damaging decision-making.
Age differences are different depending on base age. If you look at 10 years then people would react very differently from 18 years with a 28 year old than it would be with say 24 years with a 34 year old.
In the first situation you are looking at an adult taking advantage of a child that just got out of high school or is potentially still in high school. Pretty much no experience living as an independent adult.
In the other example you have an adult that is dealing with an adult that probably already graduated college and is working. I scenario where both people are supporting themselves.
It should be clarified that there is nothing illegal so people can do whatever they want to do. I wonder if people would be acting the same way if the 19 year old was an 18 year old. I would say the question is being asked because the answer is already known to the OP. If OP is looking for validation then the issue already persists in their mind. If OP was fully comfortable with the legal set of current ages then the question wouldn't be asked.
In the first situation you are looking at an adult taking advantage of a child that just got out of high school or is potentially still in high school. Pretty much no experience living as an independent adult.
In the other example you have an adult that is dealing with an adult that probably already graduated college and is working. I scenario where both people are supporting themselves.
It should be clarified that there is nothing illegal so people can do whatever they want to do. I wonder if people would be acting the same way if the 19 year old was an 18 year old. I would say the question is being asked because the answer is already known to the OP. If OP is looking for validation then the issue already persists in their mind. If OP was fully comfortable with the legal set of current ages then the question wouldn't be asked.
You made the thread completely understanding why it would come off as creepy. Yes, they're a teenager and still have the mind of a teenager. Sure, what you feel is real but come on. There is so much mental growth happening that I could not date someone under 23. My personal preference being 25+
I'm nearing 30 and my partner's sister is 21, and I can tell you that interacting with her is very different than talking to someone much closer to my age. I'd say even that the two years between 19 and 21 make a difference in how someone behaves.
Having unfortunately known more than a few people that took this stance, I'm just going to say that it never ends well.
Having unfortunately known more than a few people that took this stance, I'm just going to say that it never ends well.
Life experience is not just a meter than continually fills at a constant rate as you age. It means all kinds of things to different people and age is just one determining factor. It's not a strong foundation on which to make hard and fast rules about relationships. Like, if you have personal rules about it, that's totally fine, but once you make it a prescription for everyone it has to have a stronger basis.
A 19-year-old does not have the life experience of a 28-year-old no matter how "mature" they think they are for their age. They are not even allowed to go into bars/clubs yet.
I feel like this is a situation where it's usually kind of creepy but might be ok on a case by case basis
Does anyone here know you? Does anyone here have any insight into the relationship you two have? You didn't start trawling through Club Penguin for a hook-up, you talked to another adult and found out they were younger than you thought.
Look if you were just a straight up creepy asshole you wouldn't be asking this, you wouldn't be doubting yourself, you'd just be going for it with no consideration for what it could look like to an outside observer let alone the effect you could have on her.
Is that something that can objectively quantified for every single scenario?
'Cause like, I'm not really interested in anyone five years younger than me, and also I'm a loser ass shut-in three time college failure. The fuck life experience do I have?
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Nothing wrong with what you're doing, OP. You're both adults. If you both enjoy being together that's all that matters. Lotta people here being presumptuous and judgemental.
I just think that the average 19yo is still very naive. Maybe this one is super mature for the age, but there's no way to know.
If the same age difference was between a 40yo and a 31yo I would think it's fine.
Creepy? Nah. The reality is that nobody here has been in your exact situation with your and their exact brains and experiences. So we're all poor judges of what both your experiences will end up being in this case. It could go great! It could go poorly and one or both of you get hurt. We don't know, and those are true of any relationship at any age gap. The comments about amount of life experience difference are valid, sure. But it's legal. Y'all do y'all.
I don't think the age gap is really an issue, but the difference of life experience between 19 and 28 can be massive, and personally I don't think I would be comfortable dating/flirting with a 19 year old, even now as someone who is 25. But if she's truly taking the lead, I guess it's fine.
The age gap really isn't the issue numbers wise (I think someone who's 37 dating someone who's 28 isn't an issue).
The issue is that most people change and mature a lot from 18 to like 22/23 or so. 19 is barely out of high school. And I'm assuming you have a career, live on your own, and pay all of your own bills.
So yeah, it's a bit creepy.
The issue is that most people change and mature a lot from 18 to like 22/23 or so. 19 is barely out of high school. And I'm assuming you have a career, live on your own, and pay all of your own bills.
So yeah, it's a bit creepy.
I mean, we can take OP at their word that this person is mature enough. 50% of people are more mature than average for their age. Not exactly slim odds.
You will generally have
1)More emotional maturity
2)More financial stability
3)More lived in experiences
So you figure if you're in a relationship that's a level up for your partner, right? But not necessarily. Its less about someone being intentionally nefarious but just how things happen. Imho its like, lol, videogames. You already know some of the cheat codes in that stage of their lives, you can give it to em to help, or maybe use it as a shortcut to win an argument you're having. And the thing is, with the later, you might not even realize your doing it, its how you would deal with it on someone the same emotional/monetary/lived in level.
Half your age plus 7 for the minimum. So 28/2+7=21. Yeah. Creepy. A little bit? I mean you're both adults so whatever ultimately.
I'm not judging you OP, but my BF has a 19 year old sister and 19 year olds are insufferable. More power to you lol
This could be looked at as a negative from either person's perspective. As long as you both go into it with the right intentions, I don't see a problem. Sure, the younger person could very well be lacking in life experience, but maybe that's why they're interested in an older person, even if it's flawed logic to think that older automatically means wiser. There're plenty of people who didn't exactly have the best upbringing, and many people rightfully blame their parents for that. Not to say this is the case here, but some younger people do seek out older people who seem stable because they want stability, whether it's from an emotional, mental, and/or financial standpoint. Still, anyone claiming younger people aren't similarly capable of getting into a relationship like this so they can take advantage of the older person are kidding themselves.
That said, honestly, I had trouble adjusting to calling people my age men and women (as opposed to boys, girls, and kids) well into my 20s, so I can understand thinking that someone who isn't even 20 is "just a kid" in some form. That said, while someone who's 19 isn't a kid, and a lot of people at that age can be a hell of a lot more "mature" than adults far older than them, I do think you should approach this sort of relationship as if you were raising a kid in the sense that you should consider them potentially more impressionable and malleable, and you need to be careful in the examples you're setting. If you're into a younger person FOR THIS REASON, then you're in it for the wrong reason.
That said, honestly, I had trouble adjusting to calling people my age men and women (as opposed to boys, girls, and kids) well into my 20s, so I can understand thinking that someone who isn't even 20 is "just a kid" in some form. That said, while someone who's 19 isn't a kid, and a lot of people at that age can be a hell of a lot more "mature" than adults far older than them, I do think you should approach this sort of relationship as if you were raising a kid in the sense that you should consider them potentially more impressionable and malleable, and you need to be careful in the examples you're setting. If you're into a younger person FOR THIS REASON, then you're in it for the wrong reason.
You're bringing it up as silly, but money is worth considering. It is definitely a power dynamic, but if you have money, you manage that by ensuring your partner is not reliant on you throughout the relationship. This way any grievances or break-ups don't carry any additional weight where someone is worried about a lifestyle change.
People generally don't consider that as much, though.
What? How is feeling like you are wanted by a romantic partner a red flag? That's like the core of every romantic relationship.
Would I do it? No. You can't even drink with that person in a public space.
But creepy? Eh, I dunno, that's basically college level.
But creepy? Eh, I dunno, that's basically college level.
That sounds like the kind of thing that can happen in a relationship of any age, especially financial abuse. Certainly one that's more likely to happen here and I think that's something predatory partners look for, in which case I think it's appropriate that the OP is asking these questions and going "okay here's XYZ, what should I do?"
Like, I'm an emotional wreck and I'm only just really starting to get control of my ongoing and only recently diagnosed mental disorders. Is anyone who dates me inherently taking advantage because of my problems? Is that not something I can check for myself and be vigilant for?
I subscribe to this, but there's large varying degrees of flirting. Could be entirely fine
Not my cup of tea since I'm an old who finds younger people annoying, but if they're of legal age, let it ride.
Because with age gaps starting that young (and 19 is legal, but it's still young), this is often the form that power imbalance takes.
It's easy to have this conversation online devoid of nuance and subtlety (as is the online way). In that way, people tend to think of power imbalance as an obvious thing that people willingly and knowingly abuse. But that's often not the case.
In reality, power imbalance can be as subtle as the fresh adult enamored by the older person giving them the time of day, and the older person infatuated by the doe eyed youth who isn't experienced enough yet to see their flaws (which we all have).
Granted, the term "red flag" is not a definite. It's by definition pointing out warning signs, which is all I'm doing. OP is grown, and so is that 19 year old. But they also created this thread asking for advice from strangers on the internet. And there are red flags. I would ask OP to consider why this 19 year old who seems mature for their age also makes them feel wanted. Ultimately, they're going to do what they want, but they should keep that in mind.
I was raised by my older brother and sister and their friends. We're talking 7 to 12 years older than me, they always included me in their activities the best they could. They were the one that took me to my first bars, clubs, strip clubs etc at 16. I took pride in flirting with much older people than myself. I loved playing a bit of a deception game with my age, but in the end they always knew I was much younger.
I had more life experience by the time I was 18 then someone nearly their 30's. Youngest person I every dated was 3 years older than me, and I'm now married to a wonderful women that's 6 years older than me.
It all depends on the situation
I had more life experience by the time I was 18 then someone nearly their 30's. Youngest person I every dated was 3 years older than me, and I'm now married to a wonderful women that's 6 years older than me.
It all depends on the situation
19 is an adult. treating people like "children" in to their 20s ie (anyone not just their parents but especially their parents) is whats wrong with the US... tbh.
Everyone is different at 19 some are well beyond their years and some most probably aren't. But whats the point of the 18 is an "Adult" thing if we dont go by it. Yes most of the time an 18 year old knows NOTHING... but its definitely person by person.
if your both adults its fine, anything else is just social norms....
Everyone is different at 19 some are well beyond their years and some most probably aren't. But whats the point of the 18 is an "Adult" thing if we dont go by it. Yes most of the time an 18 year old knows NOTHING... but its definitely person by person.
if your both adults its fine, anything else is just social norms....
Yo, it's not illegal what you're doing so go with Jebus but I'd really prefer if you'd drop the pretense and just own it. As 29 year old who has to deal with 17, 18, 19 year olds at work, I can safely say you prolly have nothing in common with them. Half the time I have to struggle to come up with conversation topics with them.
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The thing that keeps getting me is the thought of people asking me to hang out somewhere drinks might be served and telling them how I need to bring my partner home because they are too young.
Or bringing them somewhere and letting people know that they can't serve them because they are underage, all while I would be pushing 30.
As a father I would have serious questions if my daughter said she was dating someone who was 28-29 and she just graduated high school.
Or bringing them somewhere and letting people know that they can't serve them because they are underage, all while I would be pushing 30.
As a father I would have serious questions if my daughter said she was dating someone who was 28-29 and she just graduated high school.
Ay bruh. I think you can find someone closer to your level of maturity. She isn't regardless of what you want to suggest.
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