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I'm trying to understanding whether my dating preference has been/is a fetish - and why
- Thread starter JonCha
- Start date
Interesting topic. To me, there are differences between "having a type" that skews toward certain races based on physical characteristics and "essentializing"/fetishizing someone. In the former, there is room to be attracted uniquely to the individual. In the latter, they're just a stand-in for the idea or fantasy of a person that you're using them to live out. It's also possible to make this mistake even without race as a factor.
Now, I'll be first to admit, it's easy for the two to blur. I really do buy into the idea that our "types" are based on early adoleacent experiences, and it can be tough to authentically act outside of those patterns. I definitely see echoes of my first experiences in who I'm attracted to today. But I've had to learn to be careful about, for example, projecting what I liked about an ex onto other people…
What I will say, though, as a gay black man, is this: no one ever thinks twice when I date white guys. It's practically assumed. But if I date asian, pacific islander, or Latino men (especially—god forbid—back-to-back), people—not the person I'm dating, mind you—make comments and ask questions.
Now, I'll be first to admit, it's easy for the two to blur. I really do buy into the idea that our "types" are based on early adoleacent experiences, and it can be tough to authentically act outside of those patterns. I definitely see echoes of my first experiences in who I'm attracted to today. But I've had to learn to be careful about, for example, projecting what I liked about an ex onto other people…
What I will say, though, as a gay black man, is this: no one ever thinks twice when I date white guys. It's practically assumed. But if I date asian, pacific islander, or Latino men (especially—god forbid—back-to-back), people—not the person I'm dating, mind you—make comments and ask questions.
It's really one of them things you can't help who and what you're attractive too
but to answer your question once it's more then sex than it's not a fetish
I have not read the replies yet but this should fun
edit: read the replies
Here's how I see it from 2 perspectives
1) foremost you really can't help who and what you're Attracted too. I don't think it's fair to call a preference even with race a fetishisation
2) But that doesn't mean it's not! So that's when the "why" comes in, if your why is 100% based off some stereotypes or racial thoughts then it's an issue
Also to add once it's only a preference and not a hard rule it's fine IMO, if it's a hard rule where you already decided won't give anything else a try that's just pure shallowness
but to answer your question once it's more then sex than it's not a fetish
I have not read the replies yet but this should fun
edit: read the replies
Here's how I see it from 2 perspectives
1) foremost you really can't help who and what you're Attracted too. I don't think it's fair to call a preference even with race a fetishisation
2) But that doesn't mean it's not! So that's when the "why" comes in, if your why is 100% based off some stereotypes or racial thoughts then it's an issue
Also to add once it's only a preference and not a hard rule it's fine IMO, if it's a hard rule where you already decided won't give anything else a try that's just pure shallowness
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OP seems fine and subsequent posts make it sound not like a fetish. But no harm in discussing partners or previous ones about it.
I think it's worth avoiding conflating preference, attraction, and fetishisation. I see a lot of that happening in this thread.
At the end of the day, if you've got fetishes for a certain race, it is likely to lead to ignorant assumptions and generalisations which don't always come true. There doesn't have to be a moral quality to it, whether it's a positive or negative stereotype. Someone on the receiving end can still be uncomfortable with the objectification. That is worth interrogating and challenging the assumptions.
I think it's worth avoiding conflating preference, attraction, and fetishisation. I see a lot of that happening in this thread.
At the end of the day, if you've got fetishes for a certain race, it is likely to lead to ignorant assumptions and generalisations which don't always come true. There doesn't have to be a moral quality to it, whether it's a positive or negative stereotype. Someone on the receiving end can still be uncomfortable with the objectification. That is worth interrogating and challenging the assumptions.
