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I'm a jerk and I apologize, I'm on a path of improvement but it's slow. Got any tips?

gutter_trash

gutter_trash

Banned
Oct 26, 2017
17,124
Montreal
what's this thread about?

It's about me being a jerk and seeking improvement and enlightenment.

I acknowledge that I am not an easy person and I used to be way worse 20 years ago and slowly got better (but not enough)

i have always been surrounded all my life in school, in the playground, through junior college by people who just say shit out of their mouths like in the 1980s
I come to realize that I sometimes shoot it off like as if I am around them but that it comes across awful around people who don't know me personally.
For that, I a apologize.

Today, Ii am 50% better than how I was 15 or 20 years ago where the filter was way off the kilter.
maybe when i reach 55 or retire, then I would have found peace and be zen.

I don't know. If anyone wants to rip me. Fine.
If anyone has any tips, come at me
 
Minthara

Minthara

Freelance Market Director
Verified
Oct 25, 2017
7,921
Montreal
I would say that one thing anyone can do their best to learn, no matter their age, is other perspectives. A person is formed by their life experiences, social class and a million other variables that make them who they are and sometimes its easy to swiftly judge someone in another group simply because their thoughts do not conform with our norms. This absolutely does not mean that you should be open to a Nazi or crazy right-wing ideologue for instance, under any circumstance, but taking a moment to think about how someone got to where they are in life and how their life experiences molded them can actually help you identify those same traits in others who might be going down that path, in order to prevent them from doing so if you can.

Also, and I cannot stress this enough, talking/posting online is not a speed competition. You gain very little by being the first reply to something and you generally have something to lose by sending out a message too fast. Take your time and re-read what you have written 2 or 3 times and make sure the message you are sending is exactly what you intend. It's better to be clear than to just respond to someone for the sake of speed.

Never stop learning.
 
kmfdmpig

kmfdmpig

The Fallen
Oct 25, 2017
19,366
I don't think that you wrote anything that reasonable people would rip you for. All of us are works in progress. The fact that you recognize that and are working on it puts you above the vast majority of assholes who instead just refer to themselves as "straight shooters" or whatever other BS excuse there is to be rude.
 
Ultimate Bear Cub

Ultimate Bear Cub

Member
Mar 30, 2019
9,058
The trick to meditation is honest self-reflection and compassion. You have to be very honest with what you feel and why. The compassion rolls in because all the negative that you will dig up is not all that you are. Your desire to improve is a good sign, but progress is slow and hard won. There isn't any other way aside from not starting unproductive habits in the first place. You know, like people with no issues.

Let me know if you ever run across such perfect beings btw, asking for a friend.
 
BennyWhatever

BennyWhatever

Member
Oct 27, 2017
4,796
US
Similar to empathy and compassion, this isn't just a natural born skill. You have to practice it regularly to get better. Be cognizant of your actions and actively try to realize when you're a jerk. One thing that helps is getting a close friend to help you and be honest with you.
Good on you for trying to be better and acknowledging your faults. That's a huge step and better than so many other people. Just keep practicing kindness and you'll get better.
I try to practice every day but I still catch myself being a jerk all the time. No one's perfect. Just do your best.
 
Mike Works

Mike Works

Member
Oct 28, 2017
1,775
Drink more milk.

andrew-scheer-1-2.png
 
TurokTTZ

TurokTTZ

Member
Oct 25, 2017
597
Mahonay said:
Therapy is the best thing I've ever done for myself. I wish I had done it earlier.
Click to expand...
Click to shrink...
Humans are social creatures. This is a social problem. I think seeking help by reaching out to others is one of the better ways of handling a social issue.

Especially as you can't really improve without active feedback. And for that you need more than one person.
 
Prax

Prax

Member
Oct 25, 2017
3,755
gutter_trash , is this because you're tired of being banned? LOL

I think just stopping to think through responses would be enough to slow down the worst of your impulses. Another idea is to practice more compassion for the audience. People of all types are watching and listening, hoping to not only learn, but connect with people (whether on or off the forums).

I think this forum and the one before it have made me a better person because I slow down to read a lot of the viewpoints before I collate my own opinions and thoughts together. This forum's good practice haha!

(Also, most jerk responses are forgiven if you're funny/witty enough. So work on compassion and also on being funnier.)
 
Last edited:
Hella

Hella

Member
Oct 27, 2017
23,404
I've read your posts a lot over the years in CDN Poliera, and just wanted to say good luck on your journey of self-improvement, Gutter.

I have no great insights into how to do it. Just try not to lose your perspective, and always have empathy for others.
Skel1ingt0n said:
The Phantom Thieves strike again.
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First Doug Ford, and now Gutter? Will their crimes know no end??
 
Fuchsia

Fuchsia

Member
Oct 28, 2017
6,645
I'm not saying I'm perfect. Being a good human being isn't always easy. But a few things I've learned/have been working on:

Practice empathy every day. Constantly exercise mentally putting yourself in someone else's shoes and really think about how they feel, their history that makes them who they are, and how they may receive your messaging.

Look inward and seriously think about how your own faults and insecurities shape your views of the world and others. Sometimes I get frustrated or angry about something but when I ask myself "why?" enough times I can trace it back to a seemingly unrelated root cause. Be aware of your own thoughts and emotions. Acknowledge them as they pop into your head. This will put distance between 'you' and 'your thoughts' and allow you a second to consider them before you instinctively act upon them.

One thing that has been instrumental for me personally is to always think about the fundamentals of communication. At the end of the day, there is usually a sender and a receiver. There are lots of things that can disrupt the message once a sender sends it. Sometimes we can't control how a receiver will receive our message. Consider this. Put yourself in their shoes. Think about how to best communicate with someone in a given moment. Stop and listen to them before you immediately cut them off and reply (this has been huge for me). Acknowledge what they said so they feel heard before replying. This way they don't keep spinning their wheels looking for a sign you properly received their 'message.' Often times even repeating back to them what they said in an argument before saying your piece (ex: firstly, what I'm hearing is that you feel XYZ way...) can work wonders. This also gives you time to consider how it feels to, again, be in their shoes. It all comes back to empathy.

Oh, and another thing I've learned is being the snarky/sassy person who always has to get a witty remark in isn't always the way to go. Sometimes being 'always on' isn't great and turns people off.

Never stop learning. Never stop challenging yourself psychologically (ask why you feel a certain way). Never stop giving your thoughts space so you can properly decide how you want to react. Never stop practicing good communication. Never stop exercising empathy. Etc etc etc.

Hope this isn't coming off as preachy. Just sharing some breakthroughs I've had.
 
The Living Tribunal

The Living Tribunal

Prophet of Truth
Member
Oct 25, 2017
5,201
Empty your mind, be formless. Shapeless, like water.
If you put water into a cup, it becomes the cup. You put water into a bottle and it becomes the bottle. You put it in a teapot, it becomes the teapot. Now, water can flow or it can crash. Be water, my friend.
 
Rad Bandolar

Rad Bandolar

Member
Oct 25, 2017
4,036
SoCal
IIRC you and I are roughly the same age, so you may be too old to begin the training.

In any event, I was much the same as you, but came to the realization that I was a dick far earlier, because I discovered something that changed my life. That's right, I modeled my behavior and ethics after the Patrick Swayze classic, Road House.

Now, you may be dubious that a humble story about the sexiest man alive's employment at the Double Deuce would have much to offer sophisticates such us we, but the film quietly lays out the foundation for a fulfilling life:

1. Be Nice
2. Pain Don't Hurt
3. Don't be too stupid to have a good time
4. Nobody ever wins a fight
5. Opinions Vary
6. There's always barber college

There you go. Now you have all that you need.

In all seriousness, I think we've both been around long enough to know that arguments are rarely ever won, just ended. And it's often better to be happy than right. In real life, I've worked hard in the last few years to follow these suggestions. They're obviously not mine and it seems corny at first, but it does help to improve things if you can keep at it:

Don't criticize, condemn or complain. - This has always been my #1 challenge
Give honest, sincere appreciation.
Become genuinely interested in other people.
Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.
Talk in terms of the other person's interests.
Make the other person feel important – and do it sincerely.
The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it
Show respect for the other person's opinion. Never say, "you're wrong"
If you are wrong, admit it quickly
Try honestly to see things from the other person's point of view.
Be sympathetic with the other person's ideas and desires.
 
AuthenticM

AuthenticM

Son Altesse Sérénissime
The Fallen
Oct 25, 2017
30,067
It's good that you are capable of self-evaluation.

While you are working on yourself, I would suggest that you consider sticking to the Canada politics thread before getting permed. Tell yourself that you don't need to comment in every politics threads. That's what I do, though for different reasons.
 
Absinthe

Absinthe

Member
Oct 27, 2017
223
I know this is probably cliche, but get out of the house, off the internet and go outside. Start working out; cardio, weights, whatever is most convenient and will provide an impact. Then start eating healthy, fruits, vegetables, meats, low on unnecessary carbs (fillers). From there talk less, listen more and realize that sometimes saying nothing is better than saying something.

If you're looking for Peace and Zen, you have to find it internally.
 
Chopchop

Chopchop

Member
Oct 25, 2017
14,171
Think before you act.

If you really want to say something, stop and think. Will what you say help the situation, or do you just want to say it to make yourself feel better right at that moment? Same goes for actions.
 

Deleted member 6263

User requested account closure
Banned
Oct 25, 2017
9,387
I was expecting to see a number of users with this thread, but not you OP. Still, I guess that shows a level of maturity that you don't often see, so kudos to you.

I've found that getting offline (even Era), not watching the news, and just talking with family and friends about their daily lives always helps me find good perspective on life and how I treat others. Making those small and impactful connections, while also learning to show some grace and humility - even to people you don't think deserve it - ends up helping a lot.
 
Gustaf

Gustaf

Banned
Oct 28, 2017
14,926
TROS is the best star wars movie and the Sequel Trilogy is the best trilogy


(if you can politely respond this post, you good)
 
Garp TXB

Garp TXB

Member
Apr 1, 2020
6,299
Stiltzkin said:
I was expecting to see a number of users with this thread, but not you OP. Still, I guess that shows a level of maturity that you don't often see, so kudos to you.

I've found that getting offline (even Era), not watching the news, and just talking with family and friends about their daily lives always helps me find good perspective on life and how I treat others. Making those small and impactful connections, while also learning to show some grace and humility - even to people you don't think deserve it - ends up helping a lot.
Click to expand...
Click to shrink...
Just want to 2nd this. Excellent wisdom right here.
 

Deleted member 4494

Banned
Oct 25, 2017
4,798
I wish I was less of a jerk. I'm a very difficult person to be around if you catch me at the wrong moment; usually, I'm cognizant enough of how utterly awful I am to be around during these times to tell whoever I'm with that I should be alone so I don't take it out on them. Hilariously, on the internet I consider myself reasonably cordial and slow to anger -- maybe because I have time to compose myself, organize my thoughts, and question whether or not I should even post. I'd say 3 of out 4 posts that I make never get posted after I think about the content of what I'm posting and whether or not it will help or hurt me or others.

Don't give up on trying to be less of a jerk. The worst that happens is that you stay one, but the best that happens is that maybe in the future you can help some other jerks be better.
 
UnpopularBlargh

UnpopularBlargh

Member
Oct 26, 2017
8,206
Breathe. Honestly before responding just take a moment and think before shooting off from the hip.

It's helped me out through a lot of tough moments in my life.
 

Deleted member 18944

User requested account closure
Banned
Oct 27, 2017
6,944
Probably the most important thing I've learned to do is to put yourself in an active listening state where you remind yourself that you are learning a new perspective.

I'm not an example of someone who is pure by any means, but listening to people talk about some really deep topics that affect them has helped me understand why people feel the way they do and empathize more effectively with them, which in turn leads you to be much nicer.
 
Spence

Spence

Member
Oct 27, 2017
1,119
Sweden
Reflect over what kind of person you want to be and how you want to appear before others, aim to be that person.

Don't assume other people have ill intentions even if your first impression might be so, give them a second chance and try to understand them before you judge.

When you communicate with others focus on what you want the end result to be, if you want a positive outcome this can help you with a more constructive dialogue.

If someone else is an asshole and the situation allows you to just walk away, try to just walk away don't waste your energy, it's not worth the time and energy to get caught in a destructive argument if it can be avoided.

With all that said it's completely okay to feel angry or hurt, those are normal feelings, the question is how you handle those feelings and what you do with them.
 
FaceHugger

FaceHugger

Banned
Oct 27, 2017
13,949
USA
No need to apologize. Just work at it.

I was an absolutely horrible person in the early 2000's, during the time I was exiting college and figuring out how adulting worked. I drank way too much. Would get into fights. Was a supremely terrible man towards women. I had horrible prejudices against certain groups just because I'd never really taken the time to truly get to know them and learn better.

And that's all in my past now. People can change. For me it was a moment of clarity when I was 25 or so, and realized, pretty much "wow, I'm the asshole".
 

Luka

Member
Oct 25, 2017
125
Just realize that what you say and do has a real impact on others. It's that simple.
 
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