If you're going to say "if you don't like it, move out you baby," I don't want to hear it.
I'm thankful I have a roof to sleep under but honestly that's about it.
Before my dad died tbh she was a vile bitch. Like when I was in elementary I still remember this one time where she picked me up and I left my jacket at school and she's like "where's your jacket? You forgot it you MOTHER FUCKER???" And when I was a kid I was kinda fat and I remember when I'd wear shirts that were a little tight on me and she'd make a comment saying stuff like "ewwww your boobs..."
And for a few years afterwards she was still a vile bitch and was solely focused on herself and her needs
I still remember this one time where I was taking 16 units at school and I had 2 jobs (working around 35-40 hours a week), all with no car. I was about to leave the house to get a haircut, and she says "seriously?? You're supposed to be using that money to help ME!"
I was like "wtf?"
And when I started taking pills for ADHD (after being diagnosed by 2 therapists and a psychologist and a psychiatrist and having the highest possible Inattentive ADHD score) we literally got into hundreds of arguments because she wouldn't listen. She'd acknowledge that I've become a very different person (aka much more competent) but in the same breath claim that I don't need pills because her "friend" says the pills are bad and that she "read something" about ADHD pills.
Any time we have an argument, I feel like if I hurt her ego by what I'm telling her, she IMMEDIATELY resorts to "okay, then move out and see if you'll survive :) that's what I thought" or petty insults that don't make sense. I remember one time I guess she couldn't think of anything so she looked at my leg and saw a weird looking zit and said "what is that? How come I never get stuff like that??? what is wrong with you why are you like this???" Lol
The past couple of months I've barely been working (the hours at my job have been cut considerably bc of less business) but I'm starting school in 2 weeks.
Typically, even if I'm home all day I can still be productive. I'll clean my room, clean the house, take care of my dog, work on some project, study something, exercise, etc.
But since early December I haven't been that way. I think it's a combo of me not having much money plus probably just being holed up due to COVID. I've been a little down in the dumps DESPERATELY trying to snap out of it.
In addition, though, I have a very sensitive stomach. My mom tends to make and buy things that my stomach doesn't like. I have told my mom literally thousands of times to stop buying or making food for me but she'll still do it; I think it's because that's the only way she knows how to communicate.
Not through actual convos and expressing emotions in a vulnerable fashion but with food. It's a personal self control problem but when it's there when I'm feeling less mindful/depressed, I eat it, I start feeling like total ass, and then of course feeling like total ass means you can't be as productive as you'd like to be. That's not something she'll understand, bc she still tries to give my dog random crap if she thinks I'm not paying attention (she knows I get mad, but doesn't take it seriously even though she knows she's made our dog puke many times bc of what she's irresponsibly given her) and she'll leave food out overnight and wonder why she has a stomach ache.
So anyways, I haven't been feeling great mentally and physically. And of course my mom goes with calling me "lazy" even though a VAST majority of the time I'm busy and throughout most of last year I was working around 55 hours a week and coming home and still cleaning and cooking for myself and etc... She doesn't even try to see if there's anything wrong with me emotionally, shes just angry that I'm not being as productive as I usually am.
In fact I have never in my life used her as emotional support.
She constantly tells me to "grow up" (to a comical extent: one time I said something to her and she replied with "can you use words I understand? God, GROW UP!!!") but in the same breath always asks me for help on things. And if she senses that I'm in a good/patient/helpful mood, she will call my name and ask for help seemingly like every 10 minutes. Take off her shoes, take her laundry to her room, help her with this post, research this for her, get the keys from her car and get the mail for her, etc.
She gets mad if I don't do things she requests RIGHT AWAY.
She'll ask me to help her with her social media stuff and she'll get mad if I don't remember; she'll say that I'M supposed to remind HER??
If I've been acting a certain way recently she'll act as if I've been acting that way forever.
in fact she doesn't even let me have one day of feeling off. For example if I have a day where I run out of my medication I'll feel horrible and she'll be like "oh so without medication you can't function like an adult? Come on grow up"
She's asked for one-on-one hangouts literally hundreds of times and I haven't said yes to a single one. And yet she doesn't point the finger at herself. She doesn't ask herself "am I doing something that makes my son not want to spend any time with me?" She doesn't acknowledge that she's an insensitive bitch
She'll be a Noise Nazi and complain about any sound coming from my room but she'll also complain that my door is closed or locked. She doesn't even have a set sleeping schedule and a lot of times she'll wake up again around 3 AM watching videos on max volume but I still can't make a sound at night otherwise she'll blame me if she doesn't get proper sleep.
Another example of her being a Noise Nazi: a lot of times I like to exercise, and in my own room. If the noise is annoying, understandable. The problem is my mom doesn't have a set schedule. She will sometimes pop in at 12 PM, 1 PM, 3 PM, 4 PM, 7 PM. So when the fuck can I exercise? She'll text me while I'm exercising at 3 and she'll be like "seriously??? I come home and you're fking jumping??? Stop"
I've told her that I've basically had to raise myself and she's literally acknowledged it and agreed. She's given me the shelter and that's about it. She's been neglectful. Which is whatever I mean at least she EVENTUALLY acknowledges things even if that takes a lot of time and many petty insults hurled at me beforehand.
it's not entirely her fault; she's this way because that's what she learned from her mom. But it's annoying that she doesn't want to take the time to become more self-aware. She HAS improved a lot, to my surprise, but it's still not enough for me to enjoy her company. In fact last week she made me laugh and she's like "wow that's the first time I've made you laugh" if that's any indication of how much I enjoy being around her...
She doesn't point the finger at herself.
I've also told her that if I tell her I don't want to talk to her, it's for a good reason, and it's to avoid a shouting match. But EVERY time I do that, she takes it as a strike to her ego and she starts making loud passive aggressive remarks as I walk away.
She also always exaggerates. If I did something for 1 month, I've been doing it for 4 months. If I'm 20 I'm 22 (this one is odd to me; why does she always say I'm older than I am lol).
And it also bugs me that she basically always has this air of "hurry up and start making $$$" In fact every argument we have that basically comes up. I know she fucking HATES the fact that I've changed my major twice. She complains that my brother (who is now married and lives on his own) is still in the early stages of his business. It's like she's needy at heart but is trying to control it and it comes out when she's angry. But something tells me that if she didn't have this "hurry up and make money" attitude I'd probably actually be at that stage much sooner!
I'm just so frustrated with her. She doesn't take the time to understand me and she doesn't point the finger at herself.
I'm probably gonna lock this thread lol but I just wanted to air this out and not to my IRL friends
I think I'm just gonna have to accept that I need to just act how she wants me to act for a couple more years. She has the ability to self reflect and change but it's not enough for me like I just cannot stand her if I'm being totally honest with myself.
I'm thankful I have a roof to sleep under but honestly that's about it.
Before my dad died tbh she was a vile bitch. Like when I was in elementary I still remember this one time where she picked me up and I left my jacket at school and she's like "where's your jacket? You forgot it you MOTHER FUCKER???" And when I was a kid I was kinda fat and I remember when I'd wear shirts that were a little tight on me and she'd make a comment saying stuff like "ewwww your boobs..."
And for a few years afterwards she was still a vile bitch and was solely focused on herself and her needs
I still remember this one time where I was taking 16 units at school and I had 2 jobs (working around 35-40 hours a week), all with no car. I was about to leave the house to get a haircut, and she says "seriously?? You're supposed to be using that money to help ME!"
I was like "wtf?"
And when I started taking pills for ADHD (after being diagnosed by 2 therapists and a psychologist and a psychiatrist and having the highest possible Inattentive ADHD score) we literally got into hundreds of arguments because she wouldn't listen. She'd acknowledge that I've become a very different person (aka much more competent) but in the same breath claim that I don't need pills because her "friend" says the pills are bad and that she "read something" about ADHD pills.
Any time we have an argument, I feel like if I hurt her ego by what I'm telling her, she IMMEDIATELY resorts to "okay, then move out and see if you'll survive :) that's what I thought" or petty insults that don't make sense. I remember one time I guess she couldn't think of anything so she looked at my leg and saw a weird looking zit and said "what is that? How come I never get stuff like that??? what is wrong with you why are you like this???" Lol
The past couple of months I've barely been working (the hours at my job have been cut considerably bc of less business) but I'm starting school in 2 weeks.
Typically, even if I'm home all day I can still be productive. I'll clean my room, clean the house, take care of my dog, work on some project, study something, exercise, etc.
But since early December I haven't been that way. I think it's a combo of me not having much money plus probably just being holed up due to COVID. I've been a little down in the dumps DESPERATELY trying to snap out of it.
In addition, though, I have a very sensitive stomach. My mom tends to make and buy things that my stomach doesn't like. I have told my mom literally thousands of times to stop buying or making food for me but she'll still do it; I think it's because that's the only way she knows how to communicate.
Not through actual convos and expressing emotions in a vulnerable fashion but with food. It's a personal self control problem but when it's there when I'm feeling less mindful/depressed, I eat it, I start feeling like total ass, and then of course feeling like total ass means you can't be as productive as you'd like to be. That's not something she'll understand, bc she still tries to give my dog random crap if she thinks I'm not paying attention (she knows I get mad, but doesn't take it seriously even though she knows she's made our dog puke many times bc of what she's irresponsibly given her) and she'll leave food out overnight and wonder why she has a stomach ache.
So anyways, I haven't been feeling great mentally and physically. And of course my mom goes with calling me "lazy" even though a VAST majority of the time I'm busy and throughout most of last year I was working around 55 hours a week and coming home and still cleaning and cooking for myself and etc... She doesn't even try to see if there's anything wrong with me emotionally, shes just angry that I'm not being as productive as I usually am.
In fact I have never in my life used her as emotional support.
She constantly tells me to "grow up" (to a comical extent: one time I said something to her and she replied with "can you use words I understand? God, GROW UP!!!") but in the same breath always asks me for help on things. And if she senses that I'm in a good/patient/helpful mood, she will call my name and ask for help seemingly like every 10 minutes. Take off her shoes, take her laundry to her room, help her with this post, research this for her, get the keys from her car and get the mail for her, etc.
She gets mad if I don't do things she requests RIGHT AWAY.
She'll ask me to help her with her social media stuff and she'll get mad if I don't remember; she'll say that I'M supposed to remind HER??
If I've been acting a certain way recently she'll act as if I've been acting that way forever.
in fact she doesn't even let me have one day of feeling off. For example if I have a day where I run out of my medication I'll feel horrible and she'll be like "oh so without medication you can't function like an adult? Come on grow up"
She's asked for one-on-one hangouts literally hundreds of times and I haven't said yes to a single one. And yet she doesn't point the finger at herself. She doesn't ask herself "am I doing something that makes my son not want to spend any time with me?" She doesn't acknowledge that she's an insensitive bitch
She'll be a Noise Nazi and complain about any sound coming from my room but she'll also complain that my door is closed or locked. She doesn't even have a set sleeping schedule and a lot of times she'll wake up again around 3 AM watching videos on max volume but I still can't make a sound at night otherwise she'll blame me if she doesn't get proper sleep.
Another example of her being a Noise Nazi: a lot of times I like to exercise, and in my own room. If the noise is annoying, understandable. The problem is my mom doesn't have a set schedule. She will sometimes pop in at 12 PM, 1 PM, 3 PM, 4 PM, 7 PM. So when the fuck can I exercise? She'll text me while I'm exercising at 3 and she'll be like "seriously??? I come home and you're fking jumping??? Stop"
I've told her that I've basically had to raise myself and she's literally acknowledged it and agreed. She's given me the shelter and that's about it. She's been neglectful. Which is whatever I mean at least she EVENTUALLY acknowledges things even if that takes a lot of time and many petty insults hurled at me beforehand.
it's not entirely her fault; she's this way because that's what she learned from her mom. But it's annoying that she doesn't want to take the time to become more self-aware. She HAS improved a lot, to my surprise, but it's still not enough for me to enjoy her company. In fact last week she made me laugh and she's like "wow that's the first time I've made you laugh" if that's any indication of how much I enjoy being around her...
She doesn't point the finger at herself.
I've also told her that if I tell her I don't want to talk to her, it's for a good reason, and it's to avoid a shouting match. But EVERY time I do that, she takes it as a strike to her ego and she starts making loud passive aggressive remarks as I walk away.
She also always exaggerates. If I did something for 1 month, I've been doing it for 4 months. If I'm 20 I'm 22 (this one is odd to me; why does she always say I'm older than I am lol).
And it also bugs me that she basically always has this air of "hurry up and start making $$$" In fact every argument we have that basically comes up. I know she fucking HATES the fact that I've changed my major twice. She complains that my brother (who is now married and lives on his own) is still in the early stages of his business. It's like she's needy at heart but is trying to control it and it comes out when she's angry. But something tells me that if she didn't have this "hurry up and make money" attitude I'd probably actually be at that stage much sooner!
I'm just so frustrated with her. She doesn't take the time to understand me and she doesn't point the finger at herself.
I'm probably gonna lock this thread lol but I just wanted to air this out and not to my IRL friends
I think I'm just gonna have to accept that I need to just act how she wants me to act for a couple more years. She has the ability to self reflect and change but it's not enough for me like I just cannot stand her if I'm being totally honest with myself.
