I really fucked up

[Saganator]

Gonna keep an eye on r/NiceGuys for rest of the story.

 

[Driggonny]

Please leave that poor woman alone

 

[Ryu]

Never before has the fact that so very few women post here been more apparent than in this thread.

OP: Tell me I did nothing wrong, even though I emotionally used a woman and then tried to guilt her into sex randomly and then essentially stalked her til she threatened to call the cops. (His side of the story. Which is always edited in ways to make the narrator look better than reality)

All the women in this thread: holy shit wtf op that's terrifying behavior.

Some men: she totally overreacted and also you women are wrong cause we know best also stop being mean, think of poor op

Click to shrink...

Never before has the fact that there are people that really like to act on something between a sadistic and Schadenfreudiges behaviour been more apparent than in this thread. The gender does not matter and also the accusation that people "always"(!) tell things better in their perspective is really questionable to say the least. I actually thought that we are better than this. Don't use always when you can't include everyone, because I've seen enough and I know I can always get back to my education and know from what I've learned, seen and people I've worked with, that it's not that way at all. There are enough that actually make their perspective way(!) worse than it actually was.

I literally see not a single response that says she overreacted. It's just quite the opposite, that if someone didn't dare to insult him, you might even be a supporter - which is crazy. Also, between out-calling a bad behaviour and insulting is still a nice gap. How it actually should be is:

Women: You fucked up and you know it, now search for either help or do your best to educate yourself, so you don't fall back into this scheme.
Men: You fucked up and you know it, now search for either help or do your best to educate yourself, so you don't fall back into this scheme.

And why? Because the gender doesn't matter and no matter who did something wrong, this person still also should've the right to change. He didn't ask for advice. He knows he fucked up and that's why he wrote it in the first place, so he is at least a step ahead. Would he have asked for advice during this whole thing and think it was fine what he did until now, I would accept way more harsh responses. But this is not the case here. I can't stress enough how you generalised the woman - men reaction here, as well as the "you always make it way better than it actually was" response. Hmm... Taking a step back might be good. I also think this was my last post in this thread, it's way to negative.

 

[Order]

Never before has the fact that there are people that really like to act on something between a sadistic and Schadenfreudiges behaviour been more apparent than in this thread. The gender does not matter and also the accusation that people "always"(!) tell things better in their perspective is really questionable to say the least. I actually thought that we are better than this. Don't use always when you can't include everyone, because I've seen enough and I know I can always get back to my education and know from what I've learned, seen and people I've worked with, that it's not that way at all. There are enough that actually make their perspective way(!) worse than it actually was.

I literally see not a single response that says she overreacted. It's just quite the opposite, that if someone didn't dare to insult him, you might even be a supporter - which is crazy. Also, between out-calling a bad behaviour and insulting is still a nice gap. How it actually should be is:

Women: You fucked up and you know it, now search for either help or do your best to educate yourself, so you don't fall back into this scheme.
Men: You fucked up and you know it, now search for either help or do your best to educate yourself, so you don't fall back into this scheme.

And why? Because the gender doesn't matter and no matter who did something wrong, this person still also should've the right to change. He didn't ask for advice. He knows he fucked up and that's why he wrote it in the first place, so he is at least a step ahead. Would he have asked for advice during this whole thing and think it was fine what he did until now, I would accept way more harsh responses. But this is not the case here. I can't stress enough how you generalised the woman - men reaction here, as well as the "you always make it way better than it actually was" response. Hmm... Taking a step back might be good. I also think this was my last post in this thread, it's way to negative.

Click to shrink...

Congrats on doing the exact thing she was talking about without a shred of awareness

 

[Omegamon]

Never before has the fact that there are people that really like to act on something between a sadistic and Schadenfreudiges behaviour been more apparent than in this thread. The gender does not matter and also the accusation that people "always"(!) tell things better in their perspective is really questionable to say the least. I actually thought that we are better than this. Don't use always when you can't include everyone, because I've seen enough and I know I can always get back to my education and know from what I've learned, seen and people I've worked with, that it's not that way at all. There are enough that actually make their perspective way(!) worse than it actually was.

I literally see not a single response that says she overreacted. It's just quite the opposite, that if someone didn't dare to insult him, you might even be a supporter - which is crazy. Also, between out-calling a bad behaviour and insulting is still a nice gap. How it actually should be is:

Women: You fucked up and you know it, now search for either help or do your best to educate yourself, so you don't fall back into this scheme.
Men: You fucked up and you know it, now search for either help or do your best to educate yourself, so you don't fall back into this scheme.

And why? Because the gender doesn't matter and no matter who did something wrong, this person still also should've the right to change. He didn't ask for advice. He knows he fucked up and that's why he wrote it in the first place, so he is at least a step ahead. Would he have asked for advice during this whole thing and think it was fine what he did until now, I would accept way more harsh responses. But this is not the case here. I can't stress enough how you generalised the woman - men reaction here, as well as the "you always make it way better than it actually was" response. Hmm... Taking a step back might be good. I also think this was my last post in this thread, it's way to negative.

Click to shrink...

lots of words just to say "women feelings doesn't matter". Gender does matter, he wouldn't ask a guy to fuck him.

 

[Wazzy]

I literally see not a single response that says she overreacted. It's just quite the opposite, that if someone didn't dare to insult him, you might even be a supporter - which is crazy. Also, between out-calling a bad behaviour and insulting is still a nice gap. How it actually should be is:

Click to shrink...

Then maybe you should check again?

Assuming we can take everything you say at face value, I don't think you 'fucked up badly' at all. You misread some stuff, asked her the question and she overreacted to it badly IMO. If she was a real friend, she wouldn't let that one line ruin the friendship, much less say whatever she said to other people that caused them to delete you from Snapchat etc. I can see why you've held onto the thoughts you have, as the spiral of events must have been confusing and difficult to understand. It does seem from your initial post, however, that this friendship had been on a knife edge previously, so you're probably better off out of it. It's a shame there was so much collateral damage, though.

Click to shrink...

You did almost every dumb thing you could, but damn her first reaction was really an overreaction

But dude, stop. And for fuck sake don't ask people to have sex, either there is chemistry ad it is happening or don't be the creep that awkwardly asks for it

Click to shrink...

I think a line was crossed but there might be some overreaction too. The part where she rallied the troops to block you seemed a bit weird.

She said no, left.. fine. It obviously wasn't ok with her. You were leaving, so it would seem the thing pretty much had a natural ending. Just let it go and move on. Some things can't be undone.

Click to shrink...

I'm not going to comment on the other parts of your post except this:

And why? Because the gender doesn't matter and no matter who did something wrong, this person still also should've the right to change. He didn't ask for advice. He knows he fucked up and that's why he wrote it in the first place, so he is at least a step ahead. Would he have asked for advice during this whole thing and think it was fine what he did until now, I would accept way more harsh responses. But this is not the case here. I can't stress enough how you generalised the woman - men reaction here, as well as the "you always make it way better than it actually was" response. Hmm... Taking a step back might be good. I also think this was my last post in this thread, it's way to negative.

Click to shrink...

Almost everyone in the thread has been helping the OP. Making sure he understands exactly what he did wrong so that he doesn't make the same mistake again is a good thing. Reality is harsh and he needs to hear it. The OP is conflicted right now and in his first post made it clear that he didn't fully grasp his actions and writing something like this:

I dont know why Im sharing this. Maybe I just want to be told I didnt do anything wrong. Or maybe my subconscious actually wants me to be punished just so I can finally process this. I dont know.

Click to shrink...

shows someone who needs brutal honesty to move past this. He needs to work on himself and take the necessary steps to do it.

 

[Fiction]

Never before has the fact that there are people that really like to act on something between a sadistic and Schadenfreudiges behaviour been more apparent than in this thread. The gender does not matter and also the accusation that people "always"(!) tell things better in their perspective is really questionable to say the least. I actually thought that we are better than this. Don't use always when you can't include everyone, because I've seen enough and I know I can always get back to my education and know from what I've learned, seen and people I've worked with, that it's not that way at all. There are enough that actually make their perspective way(!) worse than it actually was.

I literally see not a single response that says she overreacted. It's just quite the opposite, that if someone didn't dare to insult him, you might even be a supporter - which is crazy. Also, between out-calling a bad behaviour and insulting is still a nice gap. How it actually should be is:

Women: You fucked up and you know it, now search for either help or do your best to educate yourself, so you don't fall back into this scheme.
Men: You fucked up and you know it, now search for either help or do your best to educate yourself, so you don't fall back into this scheme.

And why? Because the gender doesn't matter and no matter who did something wrong, this person still also should've the right to change. He didn't ask for advice. He knows he fucked up and that's why he wrote it in the first place, so he is at least a step ahead. Would he have asked for advice during this whole thing and think it was fine what he did until now, I would accept way more harsh responses. But this is not the case here. I can't stress enough how you generalised the woman - men reaction here, as well as the "you always make it way better than it actually was" response. Hmm... Taking a step back might be good. I also think this was my last post in this thread, it's way to negative.

Click to shrink...

Not being able to accept that women have different life experiences than you especially with regard to social interactions with men is a hell of a take I guess.

We've all been where this girl was, and have been terrified. Sorry you don't believe that.

Thanks for mansplaining it though.

 

[Queen Calanthe]

Then maybe you should check again?




I'm not going to comment on the other parts of your post except this:

Almost everyone in the thread has been helping the OP. Making sure he understands exactly what he did wrong so that he doesn't make the same mistake again is a good thing. Reality is harsh and he needs to hear it. The OP is conflicted right now and in his first post made it clear that he didn't fully grasp his actions and writing something like this:



shows someone who needs brutal honesty to move past this. He needs to work on himself and take the necessary steps to do it.

Click to shrink...

So? did you read what I wrote?
Edit: something might have been lost in translation. With first reaction, I was not talking about the actual night.

 

[StanleyStutters]

So, I think you fucked up badly, but I also think you're being way too harsh on yourself.

Based on your post, the two of you viewed each other as friends who you could deeply confide in. You hadn't spoken in a while and when you reached out, she was probably happy to try to rebuild that friendship. You had long, deep conversations about life, fears, and things that happened in each others' past. At that point the both of you were vulnerable. While she was feeling vulnerable, and appears to have a bad history of being taken advantage of, you say something along of the lines of "Hey, I'm leaving town tomorrow, do you think we should have sex?".

You don't say you have feelings for her, you don't say you want to be in a relationship with her, you don't even say you struggle with the fact that you find her attractive. Look at it from her POV. A guy she used to be close with, as a friend, reaches out to mend the relationship before he moves away forever. You have a great conversation and trust is rebuilding. Then, out of nowhere, he bluntly says he wants to have sex with you before he leaves forever. How is she supposed to view this any other way? Then, you made things worse by touching her, absolutely worst decision possible.

So, yes, in that night you were horribly wrong and betrayed her trust. It's been months now and I think you need to chalk this up as a learning experience and let it go. See a therapist and get help for your drinking. FORGIVE YOURSELF! Yes, you fucked up, we all do, but you need to accept that you were wrong, forgive yourself, and move on.

 

[Wazzy]

So? did you read what I wrote?

Click to shrink...

Yes I did. And?

He said he hadn't seen a single post that said she overreacted. I quoted a few people who said it which includes you.

 

[Queen Calanthe]

Yes I did. And?

He said he hadn't seen a single post that said she overreacted. I quoted a few people who said it which includes you.

Click to shrink...

Yup, I edited my post. I realised it was not clear.

I was talking about what she did the day after, not the actual night. Sorry for the confusion

 

[skycamefalling]

I just want to understand why, OP.

why did you think asking that was a good idea?
why did you think knocking on her door and going "just two seconds" was a good idea.

It sounds like you're incredibly selfish.

 

[Calamari41]

People like op are the reason why women fear men and yet some people think this is about ""men's mental health"" but nobody has sympathy for the poor girl

Click to shrink...

To be fair, the man in this scenario is the one who is actually able to read what is being said, so of course most responses are going to be directed towards the man and what he should do to get mentally well. And either way, there actually has been plenty of sympathy expressed for the girl.

If this thread were posted by the woman with her side of the story, all of the posts in it would be expressing sympathy for her and telling her to cut the guy out of her life.

 

[Omegamon]

If this thread were posted by the woman with her side of the story, all of the posts in it would be expressing sympathy for her and telling her to cut the guy out of her life.

Click to shrink...

And yet women here never make threads like this, we know the kind of ""advice"" we will get by the dudes here. I still remember that hread about cold approaching and op asked specifically to the women in this site yet men couldn't help themselves to vomit their useless opinions.

 

[Calamari41]

And yet women here never make threads like this, we know the kind of ""advice"" we will get by the dudes here. I still remember that hread about cold approaching and op asked specifically to the women in this site yet men couldn't help themselves to vomit their useless opinions.

Click to shrink...

I'm sorry you were treated that way on here, but anyway I think I explained why people in this thread are giving the man in this situation advice rather than giving the woman advice.

 

[Lakeside]

Indeed. People need to chill the fuck out. We all make mistakes.

Click to shrink...

'There are a lot o

Then maybe you should check again?

I'm not going to comment on the other parts of your post except this:

Almost everyone in the thread has been helping the OP. Making sure he understands exactly what he did wrong so that he doesn't make the same mistake again is a good thing. Reality is harsh and he needs to hear it. The OP is conflicted right now and in his first post made it clear that he didn't fully grasp his actions and writing something like this:



shows someone who needs brutal honesty to move past this. He needs to work on himself and take the necessary steps to do it.

Click to shrink...

My overreaction comment was in regard to enlisting the larger group to block him. in my mind this is the type of thing that someone confers with family and very close friends. Trying to scorch the earth for someone in today's zero second chance environment is ridiculous. The stuff the OP did after was stalker-ish so I was simply referring to the first bit.

Words were used here and people were teeing off like this was sexual assault. OP fucked up a friendship and has to live with the consequences. You learn from these things or you don't but I know plenty of people who did similar things when young and they turned out to be perfectly good people down the line.

 

[Deleted member 11008]

My overreaction comment was in regard to enlisting the larger group to block him.

Click to shrink...

I mean, the OP threat her with tell to her ex. Whatever his motives were, it wouldn't surprise me if this was the final nail to sour not only her relationship with her, but with her group of friends, when they finally found about it. OP, you need help, for your sake.

 

[Wazzy]

'There are a lot o


My overreaction comment was in regard to enlisting the larger group to block him. in my mind this is the type of thing that someone confers with family and very close friends. Trying to scorch the earth for someone in today's zero second chance environment is ridiculous. The stuff the OP did after was stalker-ish so I was simply referring to the first bit.

Words were used here and people were teeing off like this was sexual assault. OP fucked up a friendship and has to live with the consequences. You learn from these things or you don't but I know plenty of people who did similar things when young and they turned out to be perfectly good people down the line.

Click to shrink...

I think it's quite obvious that if his close friends blocked him they most likely were also struggling to deal with his constant unloading(the girl clearly got it the worst) and with him leaving finally had a good enough reason to drop him.

Still if this happened in my group it would cause a massive rift even without previous issues playing a part. Having a close friend randomly ask to have sex is beyond creepy and inappropriate. This isn't a situation of someone struggling with feelings for a friend and deciding to reveal them. It's just a close friend jumping to "Wanna fuck?" which I think the majority of people in that position would be completely turned off and uncomfortable.

 

[Omegamon]

I'm sorry you were treated that way on here, but anyway I think I explained why people in this thread are giving the man in this situation advice rather than giving the woman advice.

Click to shrink...

I don't want people giving her advice but I feel like there is lack of sympathy for the girl, people has barely called op for what he did and that is being misogynic but if you aren't a women this is hard to understand and it's common behavior or "just a mistake"

 

[Prolepro]

So let me get this clear: seeing a therapist is anathema to you, continuing to emotionally abuse women is not.

I think you need to look at that line over and over and really weigh it in your head.

Click to shrink...

Youre right. I dont want to do that and dont intend to but if that's the outcome, then yeah, youre right.

I know some people wish that there was an easy way to say "oh here's a 'nice guy'/incel" to point at and be done with it, and I sometimes wish it was that easily explainable. Youre not gonna find me on a subreddit other than the For Honor or maybe the Total War board. Kind of ironic knowing those communities, but Era is far and away the only place Ive felt comfortable posting because of the shit dregs of gamer culture I dont identify with.

Ive done things with people Im not quick to admit but none of them amount to this instance. I made a post about another woman here I think on DatingEra that ended up being a shitshow but that ended up being as the two of us very occasionally exchanging "hellos" now and then. I dont think there's anything else out there. But it's a pattern, and this instance with this person was its zenith. This girl tried helping me through a lot of it, and I couldnt be better. I know I have a problem. I am a narcissist. Ive only ever had myself to view things from.

With this woman, I knew her for 2 years and a lot of things happened that Im not going to share because frankly it's no one elses business and I cant speak for her, especially the things I was there for which she struggled with and vice versa. It fucking sucks that I just ended up adding to the pile of shit she has to worry about, and that was plenty enough. I wish there was a hidden gotcha moment in this that made things easily explainable, but this is what I see. No one has to believe me at face value, and I understand why, I wouldnt find me reliable either.

But the things I am talking about are the things I know I have done that were harmful, and I know they were fucked up. I dont know what the right combination of words are that can summarize my entire experience objectively for other people, but I cant do that and frankly I dont want to because I have no fight with the idea that I did something wrong. I know I did.

I am being stubborn about the therapy thing. I was forced to do therapy as a child when my parents got divorced and they put me on zoloft for years and I fucking hated it. It made me feel like a robot, or I guess more than I already did. I eventually just started throwing away the pills and lying about taking them and felt much better. I have no argument against the profession, it's a science and an important one. I just have a negative gut reaction to it from personal experience.

I have no intention of bothering her again. I see a pattern for me using this forum to get blind ass fucked up and dumping my thoughts into it as an outlet. Im not going to do that anymore. Maybe a person trained to handle that is more appropriate.

I am grateful for the perspectives in this thread which dont attempt to placate the toxicity which fueled my actions, especially from the women here. I quite literally couldnt be capable of viewing them from that point of view. I learned growing up the quickest way to learn something is getting your ass kicked about it, that still seems to hold up.

I dont expect anyone else to give a shit about me or where I go from here, but I have a lot to do. Ive been in my head for a long, long time, I know. Maybe it's time I try seeing it through someone elses.

 

[Lakeside]

I think it's quite obvious that if his close friends blocked him they most likely were also struggling to deal with his constant unloading(the girl clearly got it the worst) and with him leaving finally had a good enough reason to drop him.

Still if this happened in my group it would cause a massive rift even without previous issues playing a part. Having a close friend randomly ask to have sex is beyond creepy and inappropriate. This isn't a situation of someone struggling with feelings for a friend and deciding to reveal them. It's just a close friend jumping to "Wanna fuck?" which I think the majority of people in that position would be completely turned off and uncomfortable.

Click to shrink...

So what is the protocol here? Do you go home and post this on Facebook, some group chat?

I'd be a terrible young person.

I think you are adding some dots here with the friends. It doesn't seem we have enough of them to draw your conclusions, but honestly I gave up on the thread a long time ago. Only posted because I was called out as an asshole.

The dude fucked up and continued to fuck up. I just didn't understand the friend group part, which is why I responded again.

 

[Messofanego]

I just dont know if I can do therapy again, it'a losing. The idea that Im broken out of the box and cant be whole without a "professional" is anathema to me. just a few tiny grains in a pill of a chemical is all it takes to make me a normal functioning real person, fuck that. Im not pinnochio

If I cant do it alone, then what's the point?

But whatever. If she never wants to talk to me again, then okay, Im okay with that, I understand. Id do the same if I was her. My friends, Im less sure, but okay im sure they were as tired of myself as I am. Im not here anymore anyway.

Thank you all again, especially those critical of my actions. I dont feel slighted or wronged by anyone or the world in this. Ive never felt like Ive been owed anything, just the opposite. I dont hold anger. I couldnt, even if I wanted to. I just want to sleep.

Click to shrink...

You're saying that you are aware of how often you mess up in your life, but therapy can help for you to prevent it happening again. Therapy isn't at all about medication. Therapy/counselling is about talking to someone and develop ways to better yourself. You're not any less of a person for needing to resort to the practice. It's only there to help you. It's ok to ask for help, you're not perfect and others are willing to help you. By yourself, you ended up having an alcohol problem and went back to see her in a bad state of mind and got shut out forever. So it's time you allowed others to help you. I hope you reconsider.

 

[Calamari41]

I don't want people giving her advice but I feel like there is lack of sympathy for the girl, people has barely called op for what he did and that is being misogynic but if you aren't a women this is hard to understand and it's common behavior or "just a mistake"

Click to shrink...

Honestly, as someone who has read every post in this thread, I think you're very mistaken if your takeaway is that the overwhelming majority of posts haven't been bluntly calling out the OP for what he did and expressing sympathy for the girl.

 

[Wazzy]

So what is the protocol here? Do you go home and post this on Facebook, some group chat?

I'd be a terrible young person.

Click to shrink...

The most likely scenario would be messaging someone from the group who then tells the others. It's pretty easy for that stuff to spread even more so if your group is smaller.

You also have to remember that same night he messaged her about telling the ex which most likely in her mind(and many other people) she took as a threat for the rejection. Then he popped over to her work the next day when he should have just left her alone.

 

[AimLow]

FWIW OP, I don't think you were the only one acting childish in this scenario. I think her telling your mutual friends about this, thus causing even more drama, is a pretty messed up thing to do. It should have been a private matter between the two of you.

 

[Urgh]

Always have more than one circle of friends.

 

[xxracerxx]

Please never speak to that woman again, you have completely demolished her trust and she is going to carry that with her for a long time, if not forever.

Seek some help

I just dont know if I can do therapy again, it'a losing. The idea that Im broken out of the box and cant be whole without a "professional" is anathema to me. just a few tiny grains in a pill of a chemical is all it takes to make me a normal functioning real person, fuck that. Im not pinnochio

If I cant do it alone, then what's the point?

Click to shrink...

This is a terrible attitude towards mental health and belittles those that seek treatment.

 

[Calamari41]

I am being stubborn about the therapy thing. I was forced to do therapy as a child when my parents got divorced and they put me on zoloft for years and I fucking hated it. It made me feel like a robot, or I guess more than I already did. I eventually just started throwing away the pills and lying about taking them and felt much better. I have no argument against the profession, it's a science and an important one. I just have a negative gut reaction to it from personal experience.

Click to shrink...

You need to realize that at a basic level, when you go to your friends and dump your problems and stresses on them, that is therapy. Or, half of therapy. The other half is the therapist themself, who is equipped and willing to properly respond to what you're saying. It's not just prescribing pills, and you don't have to take them even if the therapist thinks you should.

You say that you are stubborn about therapy, and don't want to do it, but you've been putting yourself through a half-assed version of it for years with your friends. And it sounds like it's one of the big reasons they've pushed you away.

Like this:

I have no intention of bothering her again. I see a pattern for me using this forum to get blind ass fucked up and dumping my thoughts into it as an outlet. Im not going to do that anymore. Maybe a person trained to handle that is more appropriate.

Click to shrink...

What you're describing here, the person trained to handle it, is a therapist.

 

[Soran]

Never before has the fact that there are people that really like to act on something between a sadistic and Schadenfreudiges behaviour been more apparent than in this thread. The gender does not matter and also the accusation that people "always"(!) tell things better in their perspective is really questionable to say the least. I actually thought that we are better than this. Don't use always when you can't include everyone, because I've seen enough and I know I can always get back to my education and know from what I've learned, seen and people I've worked with, that it's not that way at all. There are enough that actually make their perspective way(!) worse than it actually was.

I literally see not a single response that says she overreacted. It's just quite the opposite, that if someone didn't dare to insult him, you might even be a supporter - which is crazy. Also, between out-calling a bad behaviour and insulting is still a nice gap. How it actually should be is:

Women: You fucked up and you know it, now search for either help or do your best to educate yourself, so you don't fall back into this scheme.
Men: You fucked up and you know it, now search for either help or do your best to educate yourself, so you don't fall back into this scheme.

And why? Because the gender doesn't matter and no matter who did something wrong, this person still also should've the right to change. He didn't ask for advice. He knows he fucked up and that's why he wrote it in the first place, so he is at least a step ahead. Would he have asked for advice during this whole thing and think it was fine what he did until now, I would accept way more harsh responses. But this is not the case here. I can't stress enough how you generalised the woman - men reaction here, as well as the "you always make it way better than it actually was" response. Hmm... Taking a step back might be good. I also think this was my last post in this thread, it's way to negative.

Click to shrink...

Nice mansplaining.

Also gender don't matter? Not just men are stronger but also far more agressive and far less tolerant to rejection than women. Fear, that why we feel in these situations, fear for our lives, fear for our integrity.

 

[Sensei]

just see a therapist or something. you sound like a depressed narcissist... a therapist will help you. the cycle of behaving in a way that you know is bad after hindsight, releasing it onto other people, and then self flagellating until you do it all over again is not healthy. none of the people you are offloading to are equipped with the tools to help you

You want somebody to listen to you and have admitted to being codependent. You need a therapist and to stop with the drinking. She wont be the last person you do this to unless you get help

 

[Deleted member 33533]

Yeah, Resetera is still a boy's club.

People like op are the reason why women fear men and yet some people think this is about ""men's mental health"" but nobody has sympathy for the poor girl

Click to shrink...

I think this is a misconception. I mean, OP is the one posting here. We can't reach the woman to talk to her, the best we can do for her is tell OP to stop contacting her and leave her alone. Sure there are some people that have no sympathy for her but I would say the majority of them do, it's just... we can't tell her that, obviously.

It's pretty clear that what OP needs is therapy and OP is clearly acknowledging his problems and wants to be better. Doing the Gaf/Era dogpile for something he already is acknowledging just seems pointless. Is it wrong to suggest he get therapy for this? It sounds like you're saying men's mental health isn't important. OP clearly has some toxic views on mental health and therapy that are pretty often problems for men and your kind of viewpoint just exacerbates the issue. If OP is the type of person that makes women fearful of men and OP clearly wants to change, should we not try to help him not be that type of person or should we just keep telling him he fucked up?

 

[Deleted member 48897]

Also gender don't matter? Not just men are stronger but also far more agressive and far less tolerant to rejection than women. Fear, that why we feel in these situations, fear for our lives, fear for our integrity.

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And of course men aren't regularly socially conditioned to become makeshift therapists for their casual friends. There's no surprise in seeing how this story played out.

 

[Dizastah]

Stop and move on.

 

[infinitebento]

How's this post in any way fucking helpful? But I guess you couldn't help yourself with the pile-on.

Click to shrink...

As a fucking woman who experiences this type of behavior often when trying to have healthy male friendships, I literally do not give a shit.

Don't go onto a forum and expect everyone to stop after you've had your fill of their opinions.

 

[Jroc]

I still don't understand the "telling her ex" thing. That move doesn't even have a theoretical best case scenario.

Everything else I can sort of understand the terrible logic.

 

[FILE_ID.DIZ]

Never before has the fact that there are people that really like to act on something between a sadistic and Schadenfreudiges behaviour been more apparent than in this thread.

Click to shrink...

Oh, and OP? You didn't just fuck up, you fucked every direction measurable. Get help.And don't ever, ever have any contact with this woman again.

 

[Omegamon]

I think this is a misconception. I mean, OP is the one posting here. We can't reach the woman to talk to her, the best we can do for her is tell OP to stop contacting her and leave her alone. Sure there are some people that have no sympathy for her but I would say the majority of them do, it's just... we can't tell her that, obviously.

It's pretty clear that what OP needs is therapy and OP is clearly acknowledging his problems and wants to be better. Doing the Gaf/Era dogpile for something he already is acknowledging just seems pointless. Is it wrong to suggest he get therapy for this? It sounds like you're saying men's mental health isn't important. OP clearly has some toxic views on mental health and therapy that are pretty often problems for men and your kind of viewpoint just exacerbates the issue. If OP is the type of person that makes women fearful of men and OP clearly wants to change, should we not try to help him not be that type of person or should we just keep telling him he fucked up?

Click to shrink...

I don't want OP to get dogpiled, I want him to understand, truly understand that what he did was a shit and misogynist thing to do and that he should stop this behaviour. Yeah, he needs help and a therapist but people have to understand that mentally ill men aren't just poor innocent people who just need help but also are capable of abusing and killing women,lots of men with disorders do and OP is already emotionally abusing women.
For OP, what he did was a mistake but for the girl and ex, it was something that made her fear for their lives because there are stories of men killing women because of rejection everyday.

 

[MilesQ]

FWIW OP, I don't think you were the only one acting childish in this scenario. I think her telling your mutual friends about this, thus causing even more drama, is a pretty messed up thing to do. It should have been a private matter between the two of you.

Click to shrink...

Maybe there's a lot more to this and she told them so more people know what's going on in case shit goes sideways? OP doesn't exactly come across as stable and she's been dealing with him a lot longer, so she has a lot more experience to go off of.

 

[Inugami]

I was in a place similar to OP a little out of highschool, and it took a decade for me to figure out how badly I fucked up mainly because I didn't have friends to share it with. I mean, even at the time I had realized I fucked up... but the how and why were absolutely wrong on my part. Luckily, I sulked instead of trying to force her to forgive me, to her benefit more than my own (in which case, my own experience was a lot less extreme than OP, though it easily could have if my mind was in a different place)... In a perfect world we'd never make such huge fuck ups, but at least OP has a lot of people who are being straight with him and explaining how he fucked up specifically and why it's important to grow as a person because of it.

Hope he learns from it faster than I did, because in the end it'll all work out. I've been married for a decade now to a wonderful person BECAUSE I learned that lesson.

But yes, if in any doubt, seek professional help OP. Everyone here can only point out the mistakes and give you vague advice, where as a therapist is trained specifically to help you get better.

 

[Deleted member 33533]

I don't want OP to get dogpiled, I want him to understand, truly understand that what he did was a shit and misogynist thing to do and that he should stop this behaviour. Yeah, he needs help and a therapist but people have to understand that mentally ill men aren't just poor innocent people who just need help but also are capable of abusing and killing women,lots of men with disorders do and OP is already emotionally abusing women.
For OP, what he did was a mistake but for the girl and ex, it was something that made her fear for their lives because there are stories of men killing women because of rejection everyday.

Click to shrink...

I mean, what do you think therapy is going to do for him if not help him understand what he did was wrong and how to not be like that? OP has said multiple times in this thread that he wants to stop, that he doesn't want to be like this and yet people are still dogpiling him as if he's been in here saying he did no wrong. I don't know where I said mentally ill men can't hurt women or that OP is just some poor innocent guy who needs help. He did something wrong - multiple things - objectively. But at this point what does telling him what he did was wrong accomplish? Not saying you need to feel bad for OP or to excuse his actions but repeatedly telling him he's a shit person doesn't really help anyone, not him or the woman or anyone else he comes in contact with in his life. Saying this isn't about men's mental health just feeds back into the idea that men's mental health isn't important which is not great in this context since OP is bouncing off the idea of therapy, repeating some pretty toxic ideas about therapy and mental health that men often have. I think we can tell OP he needs to get help while at the same time not treating him like a poor innocent person. No, he did wrong, now own up to it by being better and addressing it.

 

[Advance.Wars.Sgt.]

Never before has the fact that so very few women post here been more apparent than in this thread.

OP: Tell me I did nothing wrong, even though I emotionally used a woman and then tried to guilt her into sex randomly and then essentially stalked her til she threatened to call the cops. (His side of the story. Which is always edited in ways to make the narrator look better than reality)

All the women in this thread: holy shit wtf op that's terrifying behavior.

Some men: she totally overreacted and also you women are wrong cause we know best also stop being mean, think of poor op

Click to shrink...

I've been pointing this out since the beginning because I noticed the same thing too - especially the not-so-subtle shift of blame others are trying to place at the girl's feet by saying she was overreacting.

To OP: I appreciate the fact you understand the harshest of the criticism in this thread is stemmed by from a place of genuine concern for your well-being. The tenor of that advice is precisely because your actions are exhibitions of some deep seeded issues that if not properly understood can lead to far worse behaviors. I hope you get and stick to receiving the help you deserve, and to ignore the ones who would rather use soft excusing the seriousness of your apparent depression/loneliness, because it's enabling in nature and isn't going to help you in the slightest.

 

[Deleted member 7148]

Man, I read OP's story expecting it to go into some romantic "the one that got away" territory and then homeboy just flat out asks to bone out of the blue and scares her away. Ouch.

All jokes aside, I think plenty of people here are giving good advice. Delete her number, leave her alone and move on with your life. It's an embarrassing situation (we all have at least one in our lives) but learn from it and keep truckin'. It'll be alright, man.

 

[Mekanos]

Never before has the fact that so very few women post here been more apparent than in this thread.

OP: Tell me I did nothing wrong, even though I emotionally used a woman and then tried to guilt her into sex randomly and then essentially stalked her til she threatened to call the cops. (His side of the story. Which is always edited in ways to make the narrator look better than reality)

All the women in this thread: holy shit wtf op that's terrifying behavior.

Some men: she totally overreacted and also you women are wrong cause we know best also stop being mean, think of poor op

Click to shrink...

You have to wonder what these posters' history with women are. Do they not hear women's side of the story on these things?

The fact that OP sounds as bad as he does simply from his perspective, while we still don't know the woman's perspective, and some men here think nothing bad happened, is utterly baffling.

EDIT: That dude at the top of the page... I've never seen a poster so (rightfully) clowned on. Good gravy.

 

[Deleted member 8561]

I feel we definitely are not getting the full picture considering she threatened to call the cops on OP.

OP, you need some serious help, and going on ERA to get validation that she overacted or validation that you fucked up bad is going to help you.

 

[Falcon511]

Yeah Op I don't think posting on Era is the best idea you came up with either. You do need therapy and I hope you get it to improve how you view women and understand what is acceptable to ask a woman. It's a fuck up. Move on and learn from it.

 

[Deleted member 48897]

You have to wonder what these posters' history with women are. Do they not hear women's side of the story on these things?

Click to shrink...

I mean I've seen enough of these threads to know that a terrifyingly large contingent of this forum does not understand women, and this is inextricable from the fact that they do not actually want to listen to women.

And for what it's worth if there's one thing in the OP's story I'm not entirely convinced of it's the bit about, while drunk, only calling her on the phone once and immediately hanging up.

 

[Hucast]

I read all this and... you should feel guilty. You did fuck up. Is it really that hard to be friends with a woman and not see them as an objective for sex?

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For many guys it seems that is the case.

 

[FFNB]

I can't believe there are people in here trying to downplay what the OP did and say she is overreacting. Wtf is wrong with you all?

It's not normal to ask one of your closest friends if they want to fuck just because you're leaving soon. It's completely disrespecting her friendship and trust in with him. Then OP continued to bother her and demand her time after all of that.

OP: you fucked up and you know you did. Leave her alone and move on with your life. Stop trying to force a resolution because it's only going to make things worse.

Click to shrink...

Seriously. Agree 100%.

One of my dear friends is going through something very similar. The vast majority of the men in her life are only interested in fucking her, and she's now second guessing every platonic friendship she has because of it. It fucks you up when you don't know if someone is in your life because they genuinely care about you and value you as a person, and not because of your looks or physical attractiveness. That feeling of being objectified is awful.

Your friend was under the impression that you were a true friend. You going from 0 to fucking was a slap in the face to her perception of your platonic relationship. No wonder her trust in you was shattered. Also, if you have to ask...

You'll know it and feel it when a friendship is developing beyond platonic. Once that feeling happens, you can tell them how you feel and ask them out on a date. Not ask them for sex.

I truly hope you get some counseling and help, because you definitely have some things to work out in regards to the drinking and the obsessive tendencies. Use this as a learning opportunity to better yourself and respect the relationships you have in your life. Stop pitying yourself and do some honest self reflection about the situation.

Let her go and move on. This friendship is over.

 

[Deleted member 15227]

As a fucking woman who experiences this type of behavior often when trying to have healthy male friendships, I literally do not give a shit.

Don't go onto a forum and expect everyone to stop after you've had your fill of their opinions.

Click to shrink...

I'm really sorry that you (and all the others here), as a woman, have to endure this type of shit from people you thought you could trust and be yourself with.

 

[Mobu]

Op do u post on r/braincels by any chance