I never understood the stigma around bisexuality

[echoshifting]

This thread is absolutely soul crushing. I recently came out as bi/pan. This was my own decision, independent of anybody else encouraging me to do so. And hearing that this makes me undateable in the eyes of most straight AND gay people is just..... ugh.

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The people who will date you, accept you, and love you for who you are? They're out there. Gay people, straight people, and of course other bi people. You're doing the right thing. It's hard and you should be damn proud of yourself for doing it.

I know several married bi men who feel they could never come out to anyone, because they don't believe their spouses would accept them. You don't want to be in that position. You want to be with someone who loves all of you.

 

[Stooge]

I think early on a few things:

1) People didn't understand it fully. There was an idea that sex was binary and you were either gay or straight.
2) This dovetailed into the whole "bi now, gay later" bullshit. I knew women who didn't like dating bi men because they assumed they were actually gay.
2.5) Gay people worried that bi people would not seriously date them and would eventually fall into the cultural norm (see 4).
3) In the 80s/90s with the HIV epedimic there was a notion that having had male/male sex was dangerous and would lead to people being discrimanatory around someone who had gay sex.
4) The dumbest one was the idea "well, if you like both sexes pick the normal one"

I have a fair number of bi friends, and I'm mostly jealous of them. Like, it seems pretty nice to just be attracted to everyone and they seem to have a lot more fun than I did in my 20s.

I think it's getting "better" but a lot of my bi friends still struggle with serious relationships. My poly bi friends seem to have a substantially easier time of it.

 

[Alavard]

The people who will date you, accept you, and love you for who you are? They're out there. Gay people, straight people, and of course other bi people. You're doing the right thing. It's hard and you should be damn proud of yourself for doing it.

I know several married bi men who feel they could never come out to anyone, because they don't believe their spouses would accept them. You don't want to be in that position. You want to be with someone who loves all of you.

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All of this. All of it.

 

[Ribbon]

It's frustrating at best and crushing at worst. For the most part, my experience has not been a positive one. In terms of family, I came out to my ex-stepmother and her husband (whom I'm close with) first. They seemed the most open out of everyone. But, their response was "It's definitely a phase" and "You've only dated boys up until his point, so are you sure?". Hell, even after more than decade, they still tell me they don't get it and think it was me being a confused kid going through a phase. When I told my mother, she wasn't angry thank goodness. But, she pointed out that because I married a man I must not be bisexual. Cue eye roll.

I've had positive experiences telling other people such as my husband (well before we were ever married), my younger sister, and my close friends. But, I'm telling you, the negative experiences stick with you more.

Because of my mother, and my ex-stepmother and her husband's reactions, I decided not to come out to anyone else in my family.

It sucks and it hurts to be told "you can't be bisexual, you married a man" or "it was just a phase" or "you are/were confused". I know what I am, I know how I feel. Don't belittle me.

That's my stance.

 

[Sanka]

It's odd but I have to say that as a hetero person I have never in my life(real life I mean) heard about anyone talking negatively about bisexaulity. It never came up like that and the only negative stigma attached to it that I could think of and that I came across is homophobia.

Those must be microaggressions that come up a lot once you reveal yourself as bisexual to someone.

 

[Van Bur3n]

You just don't tell anyone.

 

[Deleted member 21411]

You just don't tell anyone.

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Oh I fucked that one up because I'm telling everyone lol

 

[Pandora012]

You just don't tell anyone.

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Honestly, I kinda of wish I could tell my family. Buuuuut I already know how that will go. One side hard core Jehovah Witnesses and the other side Catholic. Like the only person that I know that would accept it would be my mother (who is nologer here) other than that probably 2 cousins. Like my mother's side barely tolerates our lesbian cousin, lord knows how they will react to me being bi/pan.

 

[MrConbon210]

Really? But why?

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It's a long story which involves cheating, gaslighting, physical abuse, the whole 9 yards. Not a fan of getting explaining it very often.

 

[sph3re]

If I'm not mistaken, I thought the stigma came from both homosexual and heterosexual individuals.

Homosexual individuals in the form of bisexual people's unwillingness to "pick a side," and heterosexual individuals in the form of general LGBTQ intolerance.

 

[Siggy-P]

It's odd but I have to say that as a hetero person I have never in my life(real life I mean) heard about anyone talking negatively about bisexaulity. It never came up like that and the only negative stigma attached to it that I could think of and that I came across is homophobia.

Those must be microaggressions that come up a lot once you reveal yourself as bisexual to someone.

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See I never hear anything biphobic until that someone finds out I'm bi.

It's less like micro-aggressions and more like some specific people have a switch that can be flicked. Either hypersexualising me or lecturing me on how I'm likely to commit infidelity and turn fully gay.

 

[Rodney McKay]

My fiancé is Bi and she definitely runs into this kind of bigotry.

Her family are happy she's with me because "she's not a lesbian anymore", but a lot of lesbian people she meets think that I'm her "beard".

She usually just send people this video, haha:

 

[TheCthultist]

For me the biggest thing is people, straight and gay, sometimes treat you like a lab experiment. "Wow, so how much are you attracted to the other gender? Which do you like more?" Etc. etc. I mean these questions are fine if asked properly but in my experience there are times when you are poked and prodded. And yes, the stereotypes of bisexuals being promiscuous exists, and I think the way media portrays bisexuality is a huge reason why, so many bisexual characters are seen as dubious or "confused."

As someone who struggled a lot to accept their own bisexuality, the "invisibleness" and self-doubt plagues you constantly.

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Yup that's about the size of it. I've been "out" as bi since way back in high school and basically whenever it comes up it becomes a conversation of "Well which one are you more attracted to?" Oddly enough, I tend to get it way more from people in the LGBT+ community than from cis people. Like, I literally had one gay guy explain to me for nearly half an hour that "no, you're actually gay and just in denial about it."

...so that was pleasant...

I don't know. I personally don't bother bringing it up unless it's with someone I'm going on a date with or something. Other people around me tend to be the ones who broach the subject.

 

[Thequietone]

I just don't tell people if I'm bi unless I feel they need to know and I know them well enough to know they won't freak out. I actually think I'm pansexual but I've identified as bi for so long and I feel pansexuals get it worse than bisexuals. People always freak out and I've had people who were interested in me reject me when they find out. Oh and the questions and questions.

 

[Bradbatross]

Being bisexual seems like the best of both worlds lol.

 

[Pai Pai Master]

This thread is absolutely soul crushing. I recently came out as bi/pan. This was my own decision, independent of anybody else encouraging me to do so. And hearing that this makes me undateable in the eyes of most straight AND gay people is just..... ugh.

Click to shrink...

It's rough but the people who accept me for who I am...I appreciate them so much more and at least I know who I can keep out of my life.

 

[TheCthultist]

I have a fair number of bi friends, and I'm mostly jealous of them. Like, it seems pretty nice to just be attracted to everyone and they seem to have a lot more fun than I did in my 20s.

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I will definitely say it makes the initial stages of dating and casual hookups way easier. A lot more choices. There's just also a lot more trash to sift through to go along with it if you're trying to get to the worth-while ones, unfortunately.

 

[Sanka]

See I never hear anything biphobic until that someone finds out I'm bi.

It's less like micro-aggressions and more like some specific people have a switch that can be flicked. Either hypersexualising me or lecturing me on how I'm likely to commit infidelity and turn fully gay.

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That sounds horrible. Makes one not want to open up about themself. Now that I think about it the infidelity part is probably a widespread stigma even around me. But it's not really something I hear people talk about, so I am quite ignorant in that regard.

 

[console_logger]

As others have mentioned, one of the biggest downsides that I've personally experienced when identifying as a bi man is that the vast majority of straight women will instantly be turned off. When casually dating I don't even bring it up because I know it'll be an instant deal breaker that'll more than likely ruin any chemistry that's been built up. It's like an immediate switch, it feels like absolute shit to know that part of your identity will shape someone's perception of you so drastically at the drop of a hat.

Gay men on the other hand in my experience don't care all that much. They're mostly just curious, they find it hot, etc.

 

[Plum]

Asexual guy here and, yep, people hate and demean for the most ridiculous of reasons. The ace community faces very similar kinds of discrimination both form outside and inside the LGBT community and it's utterly baffling. When you're seen as a 'threat' or a 'novelty' or a 'liar' from seemingly everyone it really does make you feel like you just want to become invisible and not tell anyone.

 

[Siggy-P]

Now that I think about it the infidelity part is probably a widespread stigma even around me. But it's not really something I hear people talk about, so I am quite ignorant in that regard.

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It is not talked about much but it is in almost every TV show and film that features a bi character out there. Hell I think nearly every LGBT film on netflix features a bisexual cheater.

And even positive bi or pan characters, IE Captain Jack Harness and the like, are still usually sex mad "sleep with anything that moves" characters. So people associate being bi with sleeping around.

Funny thing is though it's usually people who themselves cheat on their partners that make a big deal out of it. Projecting and what not

 

[JiyuuTenshi]

To be honest, I feel incredibly lucky to be bisexual. Not having something so insignificant as gender getting in the way of attraction is wonderful, and I just love the look and feel of male and female bodies.

I'd definitely never lie to a potential partner about my bisexuality. If they can't accept me for who I am, a relationship would never work out anyway. Thankfully I haven't really experienced any prejudice in that regard so far, though I'm hardly coming out to people in the traditional sense, usually they just figure it out by themselves at some point, though I guess most people just guess that I'm either straight or gay.

I do feel though that I tend to be more attracted to other bisexuals, less in a physical, but more in a psychological sense, and generally form deeper bonds with them, maybe just because I know they can truly understand how I feel while neither straight women nor gay guys really can.

 

[Deleted member 60295]

Thanks for the support, everyone. I suppose there is one bright sight when it comes to my personal bi/pansexuality: I'm also neurodivergent, and I suspect whoever I end up with will be on the autism spectrum as well. And the interesting thing is that the research that's been done indicates that MOST of us are queer in some respect. Like, we're talking upwards of 70 percent of us. And we seem to lean heavily in the bi/pan/asexual and/or transgender/nonbinary direction, at least as far as I've observed.

So in other words: the people who I'd be most interested in and be able to connect to in the first place, are likely to be more accepting of my sexuality without a second though.. That's been my experience, anyway: yet to meet a single person on the autism spectrum online who identifies as left wing and yet is bigoted towards any type of non-heteronomativity. I'm sure assholes like that out there, but not in the circles I frequent. I guess because neurotypical people on the whole already consider us "freaks" regardless of sexuality, people who are autistic tend to stick together and accept each other for who we are. More so than average, anyway. Conformity just isn't our thing, period.

 

[heathen earth]

As others have mentioned, one of the biggest downsides that I've personally experienced when identifying as a bi man is that the vast majority of straight women will instantly be turned off.

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Yeah, this is a real kick in the teeth. The solution? Only date other bisexuals! I say this when I married a straight woman, haha.

I also love those articles that are like, "Oh, I'm definitely not biphobic, but I would never date a bisexual man and let me tell you all the shitty reasons why."

 

[TheMadTitan]

When I was growing up, bi individuals were treated as being greedy; potentially taking romantic interests off the board for everyone. Gay people were envious and jealous and straight people were envious or jealous because a single individual could go after someone "both sides" were vying for.

Stupid then, stupid now.

 

[Inugami]

Wife's Bi and gets hit with that nonsense all the time. Likewise being NB means I get hit with similar shit... You just kind of have to roll with the punches and take solace in spaces that get you.

Oh, and hope you don't ever run into that one person who snaps and murders you because you don't fit into their perfect world understanding...

 

[lorddarkflare]

It's a long story which involves cheating, gaslighting, physical abuse, the whole 9 yards. Not a fan of getting explaining it very often.

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Sorry man, did not mean to push you.

 

[SageShinigami]

Man. If ya'll think biphobia is bad (it's awful), it's even worse in the black community. Sis, if he's dating you *and* trying to date men on the side, he's not gay, he's bi. And your problem is that he's a cheating asshole, not that he's bi. And yet the entire community drowns you with "it's so frustrating to find a good man who isn't "gay" ".

It leaves you with limited choices. And don't even get me started on the all the transphobia, since you're also gay if you date transwomen, which....ugh. Fuck off.

 

[Reeks]

Nothing against straight or gay people, but for me, I feel really uncomfrotable with preoccupation of genitalia and gender. Like I just don't give a shit. If there's a connection, there's a connection. I am still so baffled as to why that is hard for people to grasp.

 

[TheSpaceBetween]

For me, it's especially disheartening to experience judgement from gay men, who have surely experienced their own fair share of judgement themselves. It is what it is though. Thankfully I haven't had too many negative experiences because of my sexuality. It's very strange though, because sexuality is a spectrum, and most people fall somewhere between the absolutes.

So yeah, basically it's just everyone projecting their own biphobia onto others :p

 

[EasyRoad]

Nothing against straight or gay people, but for me, I feel really uncomfrotable with preoccupation of genitalia and gender. Like I just don't give a shit. If there's a connection, there's a connection. I am still so baffled as to why that is hard for people to grasp.

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Hmm that's a shitty thing to say.

You don't give a shit? Good for you. No need to shit on other people's identities.

 

[JiyuuTenshi]

For me, it's especially disheartening to experience judgement from gay men, who have surely experienced their own fair share of judgement themselves. It is what it is though. Thankfully I haven't had too many negative experiences because of my sexuality. It's very strange though, because sexuality is a spectrum, and most people fall somewhere between the absolutes.

So yeah, basically it's just everyone projecting their own biphobia onto others :p

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I know the feeling... I've witnessed a bunch of lesbians protesting against trans-women at a pride parade... yeah, let's convince people to treat everyone the same by bashing on fellow minorities, what a wonderful idea... unfortunately being LGBT doesn't mean you can't simultaneously be a bigoted asshole.

 

[Sai]

Yeah, it's really shitty. I was in a long term relationship with a hetero woman and as a bi dude, guys thought they could 'steal' her away from me because of my perceived queerness, and I felt left out from part of the queer community because I was seen as too hetero.

But all I can do is keep on keepin' on, and I have friends and family that accept me for who I am or else, and I'm very grateful for that.

 

[Viriditas]

Thanks for the support, everyone. I suppose there is one bright sight when it comes to my personal bi/pansexuality: I'm also neurodivergent, and I suspect whoever I end up with will be on the autism spectrum as well. And the interesting thing is that the research that's been done indicates that MOST of us are queer in some respect. Like, we're talking upwards of 70 percent of us. And we seem to lean heavily in the bi/pan/asexual and/or transgender/nonbinary direction, at least as far as I've observed.

So in other words: the people who I'd be most interested in and be able to connect to in the first place, are likely to be more accepting of my sexuality without a second though.. That's been my experience, anyway: yet to meet a single person on the autism spectrum online who identifies as left wing and yet is bigoted towards any type of non-heteronomativity. I'm sure assholes like that out there, but not in the circles I frequent. I guess because neurotypical people on the whole already consider us "freaks" regardless of sexuality, people who are autistic tend to stick together and accept each other for who we are. More so than average, anyway. Conformity just isn't our thing, period.

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I've noticed this too, anecdotally -- other autistics seem, I dunno, more comfortable with the notion that widely-accepted systems of social norms might be limited or unjust or don't reliably describe reality. I wonder if that impression is actually true on a larger scale or if it's just my own bias.

On the other hand...in the other post I made in this thread, I mentioned a close friendship imploding because the friend's husband kept asking me to help him find sexual partners. The friend in question is the only other adult autistic woman I know in person, we've been really close for a few years now, and I'm downright devastated that we've had a falling out over her partner being an unprompted creep. It was super nice to be friends with someone else "like me" for a while.

...okay that probably sounds pretty maudlin, but. I'm bummed AF and I don't currently have access to a mental health professional (my counselor quit unexpectedly. I'm working on getting another). So I'm gonna vent some of my queer autistic grief on Resetera.

 

[MegaBeefBowl]

My fiancé is Bi and she definitely runs into this kind of bigotry.

Her family are happy she's with me because "she's not a lesbian anymore", but a lot of lesbian people she meets think that I'm her "beard".

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Literally dealing with the same situation. It's just tiring at this point.

LGBT people claiming she doesn't belong due to being in a hetero relationship also happens a lot.

 

[Pwnz]

One of the most prevalent forms seems to be the aforementioned erasure of bisexuality.
Actor comes out as bi, dates the same sex? People call them gay/lesbian.
Person identifies publicly as bi, but hasn't had any same-sex longterm partners and/or is in a hetero relationship? That person will often get their bisexuality questioned, even in the LGBT community.
EDIT: Super anecdotal, but I've actually once heard a gay person say that "bihets in hetero relationships don't belong in the LGBT community".

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I think David Bowie was Bi and came out but then when he moved to America, Americans wouldn't have any if that so he hid it.

 

[Deleted member 18360]

A lot of people probably have some kind of insecure attachment and bisexual people are, due to stigma, and perhaps due to a sort of double-covertness of their 'closet', are perhaps unfamiliar enough to people that they're taken as ground for projecting their insecurities onto re one's possible inadequacy. Idk.

 

[Pwnz]

This thread is absolutely soul crushing. I recently came out as bi/pan. This was my own decision, independent of anybody else encouraging me to do so. And hearing that this makes me undateable in the eyes of most straight AND gay people is just..... ugh.

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That sort of bigotry would have made the relationship strenuous regardless, think of it as a filter.

 

[Deleted member 18360]

This thread is absolutely soul crushing. I recently came out as bi/pan. This was my own decision, independent of anybody else encouraging me to do so. And hearing that this makes me undateable in the eyes of most straight AND gay people is just..... ugh.

Click to shrink...

Tbh if as a gay guy I find there's mutual attraction with someone and he's not bi I'm immediately suspicious/skeptical.

I'm joking, but idk if weird probability thing but my sexual history seems to lean more in that direction. I think everyone's different and people shouldn't always take the things that others say in these threads so seriously, if only because there could be myriad reasons why they think it's 'important' or 'necessary' to say. Often people come to these things with these pat answers already in mind compelled by what idk to spit them into the ether.

 

[GamerJM]

I like, tried to come out to my mom once and she asked me when I'm deciding. That's about all the biphobia I've encountered, but I haven't told very many people and most people probably think I'm straight.

 

[Deleted member 60295]

I've noticed this too, anecdotally -- other autistics seem, I dunno, more comfortable with the notion that widely-accepted systems of social norms might be limited or unjust or don't reliably describe reality. I wonder if that impression is actually true on a larger scale or if it's just my own bias.

On the other hand...in the other post I made in this thread, I mentioned a close friendship imploding because the friend's husband kept asking me to help him find sexual partners. The friend in question is the only other adult autistic woman I know in person, we've been really close for a few years now, and I'm downright devastated that we've had a falling out over her partner being an unprompted creep. It was super nice to be friends with someone else "like me" for a while.

...okay that probably sounds pretty maudlin, but. I'm bummed AF and I don't currently have access to a mental health professional (my counselor quit unexpectedly. I'm working on getting another). So I'm gonna vent some of my queer autistic grief on Resetera.

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Your former friend's husband sounds like a complete cunt. I'm so sorry that your friendship broke up over his behavior. I just hope for your former friend's sake that she comes to understand how wrong her husband's behavior towards you was, and finds a way out of that shitty relationship. Cause I don't know the full details, but it sounds like he's taking advantage of her too, and she doesn't realize it yet.

And as for your sake.... well, if you're uncomfortable venting publicly any further, you can always DM me. I'm a good listener, and I'm locked up at home right now without a job on account of COVID-19, so I have the time.

(I don't think anyone in this thread will judge you for what you said, though. I know the forums at large have a decisively mixed reputation at best when it comes to bigotry, but at least it looks like most if not all of us in this particular thread are on the same page about how awful biphobia is. It sure has helped lift my spirits a bit, seeing everyone here support each other.)

 

[Goodlifr]

I'm glad this thread exist (obviously not glad of the bigotry etc)... Married for 10+ years to my wife who's only recently started to accept her bi-sexuality.
I'm trying to be as useful and as supportive as possible, but often fail in that... Any online resources tend to lean towards "yay, threesomes" and don't really help that much.

 

[JiyuuTenshi]

When I came out to my parents my mom was mostly just confused about how bisexuality works. She could understand being attracted to the opposite gender or the same one, but not how it's possible to be attracted to both at the same time as they are so different.

I guess that's just something straight as well as gay people struggle with and what might make them more prone to be in disbelief that something like bisexuality can exist.

I always try to explain it with someone liking both blondes as well as redheads. They're obviously different in some ways, but you can still find both groups of people attractive regardless. In the end there really isn't more to it. You look at someone and you find them attractive in their own way. Some traits you're looking for are present in both groups, others aren't.

 

[Nox]

That sort of bigotry would have made the relationship strenuous regardless, think of it as a filter.

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Yeah that's actually a blessing in disguise.

I was upfront about being bi while I was online dating. It sucked being rejected by both guys and girls for it though. It wears you out after a while. That's probably why I have really not mentioned that I was bi to many people except close friends and my partner. Even my family doesn't know it, and unless I start dating a dude, they won't.

 

[Tounsi_Tag]

Thank you to everyone who replied to the thread. The responses were intriguing and insightful to downright heartbreaking :(

I'm glad this thread exists because resetera could do a lot better by its bisexual folks. I hope it starts a conversation.

I came out about a year ago. As of last January I am out to basically everyone I know. It has been a really positive experience, but not because of the reactions I got from other people. Gay people I have come out to do not believe me or, at best, do not support me. The very first person I came out to, other than my wife, was a gay man who I trusted. He told me he had never met a bisexual man before. I said well, now you have, and he laughed in my face.

I have been shunned in LGBT spaces. I have read hurtful and ignorant things about bisexual men in...pretty much every online lgbt space I have frequented. Someone said it earlier in the thread, you can feel like a science experiment; you say that you're bisexual and people feel free to impassively ask you deeply personal questions. The worst is articles and posts saying "I'm not biphobic but....I would never date a bisexual person." At least be honest, you're biphobic. Check out this article from queerty two years ago:

This is one of the premiere LGBT publications, with a nice, long article in which the writer both pats the community on the back for being so much more accepting of bi guys while also attempting to justify his expressions of biphobia. It's a shameful piece that got rightfully dragged on twitter, but I don't think it was ever retracted or discussed by queerty. This is just the way a lot of gay guys feel and a huge chunk of the lgbt community is okay with that.

And of course a lot of straight women feel the same way. "I'm not biphobic buuuuut...I wouldn't date a bisexual man because they are dirty/promiscuous/etc"

I wish it was safer for more bisexual men to come out. We rarely do. I just want to be able to tell guys what an incredible feeling it is. It changed my whole life. It completely shifted the way I viewed myself. It didn't matter how many people asked me shitty, overly personal questions about my sex life, or that my brother-in-law demanded my wife divorce me so she wouldn't get an STD from me, or any of the other crap. Every time I came out to someone I felt better. It turned out that the thing I thought made me broken actually made me strong.

I wish the lgbt community would do more to make us feel like we could "come home" to a real community when we are cast out from much of our old lives. We deserve it as much as anyone...that seems to be part of it, too, that our struggles aren't as bad so who cares if we come out, who cares if we are supported. We don't need it. I'm not sure what needs to happen there, it seems like the more noise we make, the more pushback we get. It's very dispiriting. The lgbt outreach center near me ended up just making a separate support group for bisexual people. I was in the midst of creating my own support group for bisexual men when the pandemic started. It is starting to feel to me like we just need our own spaces. And that's a little heartbreaking. I have yearned for over ten years to be a part of the lgbt community as myself, but I'm not sure I will ever feel like I am.

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This is disheartening. I'm really sorry that you feel this way. I applaud you and your wife for standing to who you are. I think that's beautiful.
For what it's worth, I'm a gay man who does not necessarily feel part of the LGBT community ( a lot of racism around, judgmental mentalities, felt like everything but a support group ). I think the idea that it's a monolith with people who need to set standards to how one needs to act and think is not very welcoming in itself. I think that's why biphobia is rampant because it's exposed as a thing that is safely expressed and demonstrated.
I actually no longer hang out with the LGBT community around me because of this very reason. All of our gatherings turned into public shaming of heterosexual people and belittling my bisexual friends which I thought was paradoxical from people who faced a lot of oppression in their lives.

Again, thank you for sharing this. If you ever feel like talking about this I'm more than willing to listen.

Honestly it's disheartening at times. Like, to the point I don't even talk about it anymore. Most of the time you get it's just a phase, or you can't be trusted.

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Honestly, I kinda of wish I could tell my family. Buuuuut I already know how that will go. One side hard core Jehovah Witnesses and the other side Catholic. Like the only person that I know that would accept it would be my mother (who is nologer here) other than that probably 2 cousins. Like my mother's side barely tolerates our lesbian cousin, lord knows how they will react to me being bi/pan.

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It's like a huge part of your assumed personality and actions is predisposed on your coming out as a bisexual. Ughhhh .
I'm also in the same boat albeit in a different context. I can't come out to my Arab Muslim family because that's just not an acceptable thing period. I've come to be in peace with this but I also understand it in a sense. The entire culture around me is extremely homophobic, this is their reality. It's not like there's a set of alternative narratives where they purposefully choose to be bigoted ( in their minds, they're not even bigoted but operating within the norm).
Instead, I developed a lifestyle where I do my own thing and live alone but would compromise and ignore a lot of the bullshit in the one or two family gatherings every 3 or 4 months when I'm home. That way, I don't feel like I'm limiting myself and I'm avoiding an unnecessary clash.
You do you buddy!

As a bisexual man, I'll speak for personal experience.

Most women can't know I'm bisexual or else they won't be with me. Most men don't care, but some just say I don't have the guts to be gay or something like that.

I've always had to kinda hide it. If I'm with a man I don't think he needs to know that I'm bisexual, but if I'm with a woman, in most of the cases, she can't know or else that's it.

It came to a point where I'm never bisexual really, I just flicker between heterosexual and homosexual at different times.

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Does this ever change once you feel comfortable with someone and thought you can come out? I'd also imagine this would affect a lot of other aspects of dating ( like fearing to lose a SO that you're into because of it ).

Bi-erasure is a thing. It happens in every community, be it hetero or queer. You're often forced to "choose a side" because you don't fit into their world view.

There is a tendency for people to reject notions of sexual fluidity.

I am pansexual. I am in a relationship that "can pass" as heteronormative when, in reality, we are both pansexual. I have been derided by many within the queer community that suddenly, my and my partner's own pathways towards self-discovery were somehow lesser—that the self-doubt and discrimination that we both individually have faced are not valid.

On the other side of the spectrum, the heteronormative crowd does not accept my entire identity. As a pan woman, I am immediately fetishized. There are people on dating apps that are called "unicorns" that attempt to engage couples in "bicurious play." There is an entire community dedicated to this.

Trying to navigate rejections by both communities is difficult. What I do is try to surround myself with other bisexual/pansexual people and find allyship wherever I can.

I immediately reject the notion that bi/pansexual people are "more likely to cheat" because of "more options" as well. I cannot believe some people genuinely believe that myth—if someone wants to cheat on you then they will, sexuality be damned.

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I think a lot of people think they have a monopoly on self-doubt and oppression and they project that onto others. I'm a gay guy in the Arab World and although I've been very careful with navigating this, it doesn't make the struggle any lesser just because I'm not all out with other men in that capacity.
I'm sorry that you had to deal with a lot of rejection and I'm glad that you found comfort in other fellow bi/pan peers. I also think it's quite cool that your partner can also understand and relate to you on that deeper level .

This thread is absolutely soul crushing. I recently came out as bi/pan. This was my own decision, independent of anybody else encouraging me to do so. And hearing that this makes me undateable in the eyes of most straight AND gay people is just..... ugh.

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I'm really sorry :/ Maybe this is a bit naive on my part, but wouldn't this help to filter people who are bigoted and that you wouldn't / shouldn't date anyways? I would imagine I'd want to find someone who genuinely understands and respects that part of me. I feel as if this sentiment would ultimately lead you to authentic people who love you for who are. Otherwise, it's not worth it to date people for whom being yourself is a deal-breaker .

 

[Prax]

I'm bi but I don't bother really telling people and the only relationship I've been in (which turned into marriage, monogamous at that), is with the opposite gender, so I'm already "locked in" to hetero-normative life, which I guess wouldn't give me much if any "bi-cred' or "lgbt-cred" for that matter. But yeah, there's basically not much for me to gain by "coming out" since it's not like I am in the dating pool anymore (and who's going to like.. police what porn I watch? haha), but it is a "neat fact about me" I guess.

I think the situation with bi-erasure is really sad. I can kind of understand the massive insecurities non-bi/pan feel, but it's kind of like any other insecurity: flawed thinking or irrational feeling, and you just kind of have to decide to work with what people give you or leave them to fester in their insecurities.

 

[Tounsi_Tag]

I'm bi but I don't bother really telling people and the only relationship I've been in (which turned into marriage, monogamous at that), is with the opposite gender, so I'm already "locked in" to hetero-normative life, which I guess wouldn't give me much if any "bi-cred' or "lgbt-cred" for that matter. But yeah, there's basically not much for me to gain by "coming out" since it's not like I am in the dating pool anymore (and who's going to like.. police what porn I watch? haha), but it is a "neat fact about me" I guess.

I think the situation with bi-erasure is really sad. I can kind of understand the massive insecurities non-bi/pan feel, but it's kind of like any other insecurity: flawed thinking or irrational feeling, and you just kind of have to decide to work with what people give you or leave them to fester in their insecurities.

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Do you feel that being " locked in " and not having to necessarily come out had any negative impact on how you approach your sexuality? Even it won't change your relationship status or your life as it is, does the mere fact of having to bottle it up grate you in a way?

 

[Prax]

Do you feel that being " locked in " and not having to necessarily come out had any negative impact on how you approach your sexuality? Even it won't change your relationship status or your life as it is, does the mere fact of having to bottle it up grate you in a way?

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Actually not really. I think for the most part I treat it like any other non-normative fact about myself. Like autistic spectrum traits, ethnicity (even though that's semi-visible), political leanings. If someone asks, I can be pretty frank while adjusting the exact wording depending on what I think that person's sensibilities are, but overall I don't feel personally silenced.

My husband is pretty straight and if i remember, I think he'd probably be more hurt if I cheated on him with a guy than a gal, but that's not really an issue in the relationship lol.

Being that I am on the autism spectrum, I am always having to be a bit more thoughtful/self-censoring about my choice of words and the amount I reveal about myself behaviour-wise anyway, so the bisexuality part is just another fact on that pile.

I know some people put a lot of emotional investment into certain behaviors which become identities (either to declare of oneself or with which to judge/condemn others), but I don't hold that much importance into any one trait. At least not my own sexuality.

 

[Stalker]

Tell me about it. Wait till you find out about how bisexuals in traditional hetro relationships get treat