I'm glad this thread exists because resetera could do a lot better by its bisexual folks. I hope it starts a conversation.
I came out about a year ago. As of last January I am out to basically everyone I know. It has been a really positive experience, but not because of the reactions I got from other people. Gay people I have come out to do not believe me or, at best, do not support me. The very first person I came out to, other than my wife, was a gay man who I trusted. He told me he had never met a bisexual man before. I said well, now you have, and he laughed in my face.
I have been shunned in LGBT spaces. I have read hurtful and ignorant things about bisexual men in...pretty much every online lgbt space I have frequented. Someone said it earlier in the thread, you can feel like a science experiment; you say that you're bisexual and people feel free to impassively ask you deeply personal questions. The worst is articles and posts saying "I'm not biphobic but....I would never date a bisexual person." At least be honest, you're biphobic. Check out
this article from queerty two years ago:
...I couldn't calm my own Sturm und Drang over Alex's confession. I told him it didn't matter to me, but I lied. Although our date would still qualify as one of the best days I've ever had in Paris (full disclosure: I'm not a fan of the city), everything between us changed after he told me he's bi.
I wondered if he noticed the suddenly uncomfortable silences. Our easy, playful banter shifted to tentative and awkward. The B-word never came up again, but I couldn't think about anything else.
No, I'm not the type who side-eyes bisexuality. I accept it in theory. I don't see it as a layover on the way to straight (for women) or gay (for men), as I've heard some people describe it. The B in LGBTQ is as legitimate as any of the letters surrounding it.
But if I'm being completely honest, a certain green-eyed monster was controlling my innermost thoughts. I hated myself even more for being swayed by the stereotype that bisexual people are sluttier than the rest of us because they have more options.
This is one of the premiere LGBT publications, with a nice, long article in which the writer both pats the community on the back for being so much more accepting of bi guys while also attempting to justify his expressions of biphobia. It's a shameful piece that got rightfully dragged on twitter, but I don't think it was ever retracted or discussed by queerty. This is just the way a lot of gay guys feel and a huge chunk of the lgbt community is okay with that.
And of course a lot of straight women feel the same way. "I'm not biphobic buuuuut...I wouldn't date a bisexual man because they are dirty/promiscuous/etc"
I wish it was safer for more bisexual men to come out. We rarely do. I just want to be able to tell guys what an incredible feeling it is. It changed my whole life. It completely shifted the way I viewed myself. It didn't matter how many people asked me shitty, overly personal questions about my sex life, or that my brother-in-law demanded my wife divorce me so she wouldn't get an STD from me, or any of the other crap. Every time I came out to someone I felt better. It turned out that the thing I thought made me broken actually made me strong.
I wish the lgbt community would do more to make us feel like we could "come home" to a real community when we are cast out from much of our old lives. We deserve it as much as anyone...that seems to be part of it, too, that our struggles aren't as bad so who cares if we come out, who cares if we are supported. We don't need it. I'm not sure what needs to happen there, it seems like the more noise we make, the more pushback we get. It's very dispiriting. The lgbt outreach center near me ended up just making a separate support group for bisexual people. I was in the midst of creating my own support group for bisexual men when the pandemic started. It is starting to feel to me like we just need our own spaces. And that's a little heartbreaking. I have yearned for over ten years to be a part of the lgbt community as myself, but I'm not sure I will ever feel like I am.
If I had one thing to ask the gay community here on era, it would be, please examine your personal thoughts on bisexual men. If you have any "I'm not biphobic, but...." thoughts, challenge them. But they are promiscuous. But I could never date one. But their struggles aren't as bad. But they're liars. But I don't really think the bi men I know are actually bi. And so on. Really challenge them. Challenge them in your community and yourselves. Stuff like this:
I have a really personal experience about a man who claimed he was "bisexual" which sort of put me off from the whole thing. Incredibly unfair I know. And I say that as a gay man.
Sorry but that is not okay. That is biphobia. I'm sorry you had a bad experience but you should know that is an expression of biphobia, and it is damaging and it should be challenged, by you and by people around you.