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I left my husband, went to NYC for five days, and pretty much ruined my life.
- Thread starter Cosmic Bus
- Start date
DON'T!
Self-harm is not the answer. You lost nothing but money. Your health is far more important. Don't worry about your finances: money is something that be regained, a human life is not. You really, really, really need to prioritize seeing a therapist -- in fact, you should have started seeing one years ago. A good therapist can help you get your mind back.
I gasped reading this. Just a heartbreaking read from beginning to end. I am so sorry this happened to you. Nobody deserves to be treated like that. Please take care of yourself.
OP
OP
View count is currently approximate to my spending Sept. 23-27, for those looking for a specific figure 🥺😳🤬
Everyone fucks up. Draw a line under it.
Fresh start.
Block the asshole. And start trying compassion towards yourself. Do some personal things for you. Maybe try being with friends, good ones.
Fresh start.
Block the asshole. And start trying compassion towards yourself. Do some personal things for you. Maybe try being with friends, good ones.
That's a lot of money but even if it was all debt it's manageable.
View count is currently approximate to my spending Sept. 23-27, for those looking for a specific figure 🥺😳🤬
OP, that "friend" is a coercive leech. They don't see you as a friend but as a mark. And they likely know that you were uncomfortable spending so much money during that trip but lack the empathy to care.
Seems like they have preyed on other people in the same way too.
Please block them forever.
Seems like they have preyed on other people in the same way too.
Please block them forever.
I know from personal experience that when one gets into these kinds of situations, some of the hardest things to do is to be kind to oneself.
Yes, you did some things that were damaging to yourself, and it's clear that you were aware, at least after some time, of what was going on. Somehow you let yourself be used. But think that you were targeted by someone who knew how to trigger certain emotional responses from you for their own benefit. It's definitely not a good feeling to realize and accept that, but you have now a great opportunity to move on from that and learn an important lesson about yourself.
I'll repeat what others have already said here. You need to create some space for yourself, and whenever you have the chance, please, go and look for help from a psychologist or therapist.
I did that myself recently, after being in a 'friendship/perhaps something more relationship' with red flags that I ignored and that ended when the other person reacted in a pretty toxic/manipulative way when I showed potential interest in other people... Somehow, that person was able to make me feel very guilty for things that were not a big deal, perhaps to try to keep me 'in line' so to say. That's how it feels, at the least. I still want to think that they didn't do it purposefully, but that it may have been a manifestation of the their own psychological issues. Anyway, what pushed me to look for help was recognizing that this was not the first time that I manifested certain thoughts and reactions, and that those were not helpful to myself.
Yes, you did some things that were damaging to yourself, and it's clear that you were aware, at least after some time, of what was going on. Somehow you let yourself be used. But think that you were targeted by someone who knew how to trigger certain emotional responses from you for their own benefit. It's definitely not a good feeling to realize and accept that, but you have now a great opportunity to move on from that and learn an important lesson about yourself.
I'll repeat what others have already said here. You need to create some space for yourself, and whenever you have the chance, please, go and look for help from a psychologist or therapist.
I did that myself recently, after being in a 'friendship/perhaps something more relationship' with red flags that I ignored and that ended when the other person reacted in a pretty toxic/manipulative way when I showed potential interest in other people... Somehow, that person was able to make me feel very guilty for things that were not a big deal, perhaps to try to keep me 'in line' so to say. That's how it feels, at the least. I still want to think that they didn't do it purposefully, but that it may have been a manifestation of the their own psychological issues. Anyway, what pushed me to look for help was recognizing that this was not the first time that I manifested certain thoughts and reactions, and that those were not helpful to myself.
I wish you the best. It seems like you realize your mistakes and what caused you to make them, so you hopefully have a good place to start.
The money isnt enough to ruin you probably, with the round about figure you gave.
My ex did something similar to me when she decided i wasnt worth it anymore. She ramg up about $10k in debt, sold or gave away a lot of valuables and never really admitted she was cheating, even when she moved in with the guy (and is still living with him 3 years later, but they are still just friends, and my daughter calls him dad because she wants to...) The money seemed like a lot then, but when i started working on myself, including my finances and that debt, it became a lot more manageable.
Hope you amd your husband figure out what you want to do with your relationship and you start working on it and yourself.
The money isnt enough to ruin you probably, with the round about figure you gave.
My ex did something similar to me when she decided i wasnt worth it anymore. She ramg up about $10k in debt, sold or gave away a lot of valuables and never really admitted she was cheating, even when she moved in with the guy (and is still living with him 3 years later, but they are still just friends, and my daughter calls him dad because she wants to...) The money seemed like a lot then, but when i started working on myself, including my finances and that debt, it became a lot more manageable.
Hope you amd your husband figure out what you want to do with your relationship and you start working on it and yourself.
Ok, I don't care what you think tbh. Marriage is not easy for anyone and if there are issues in a relationship and you want out at least be honest and tell your SO about it, cheating is not a mistake cheating is a decision.
Dear op,
Please take care of yourself and seek professional help.
But I would like to add it's good to be wanted or needed but it's better to live with someone who doesn't abuse you, cheat on you and is there with you even as a roommate. Romance comes and goes especially after having kids
Please take care of yourself and seek professional help.
But I would like to add it's good to be wanted or needed but it's better to live with someone who doesn't abuse you, cheat on you and is there with you even as a roommate. Romance comes and goes especially after having kids
Money can come and go anytime, health no. I also echo this: please get some help and I really hope you get on your feet soon. There must be non profit organizations that can help you around you.
I know from you since gaf times and you are a precious person for some around here, and I'm glad that you decided to take a first step towards a better thing. Fuck that spineless hack, block him on everything and for your well being, don't try to contact him ever again.
If you were near where I live, I would like to treat you to some chilaquiles for breakfast made by yours truly: "Las penas con pan son menos" (troubles with bread are easily tackled) as my granny used to say.
I know from you since gaf times and you are a precious person for some around here, and I'm glad that you decided to take a first step towards a better thing. Fuck that spineless hack, block him on everything and for your well being, don't try to contact him ever again.
If you were near where I live, I would like to treat you to some chilaquiles for breakfast made by yours truly: "Las penas con pan son menos" (troubles with bread are easily tackled) as my granny used to say.
Glad you're still on the forum. How are you feeling this further on?
I imagine you keep ruminating on instances of it? If so, try not to and focus on smaller productive tasks. Build the blocks for tomorrow whether it's self care, planting a tomato or other things you find that occupy your mind and work toward something later.
There wasn't a way you wouldn't have done what you did regardless of what your brain thinks it might actually have done if. You're a victim of a con man and your crime was wanting to be loved after years of lacking it. There is no rot or deep fault on your part so don't cycle yourself as both the cause and consequence. Keep positive about your self even if your situation is heavy.
Yeah, I agree with this. I assume you're going to be paying credit card bills for a while, so it might be a good idea to let someone else help with your finances while you look after yourself and get into a better place mentally and emotionally.
And block this fucko in every way, and if you are able and you feel comfortable sharing I'd say expose him with your story and writing about how manipulative he is so hopefully this doesn't happen to other emotionally vulnerable people.
Also, is it possible to go and stay with family or parents or something Cosmic Bus ? I assume you don't want to be back with your husband right now. Definitely see if you can see a therapist or something, and don't worry about other people and just focus on your own wellbeing.
I mean, OP DID tell something happened when he realized he was emotional cheating. No, it is a decision, but it can be understandable depending on factors that we don't know.
But the issue I had with your post was the dismissal of OP and his problems where he was taken advantage off, yet your comment was just "no sympathy". How far does that go until you feel sympathy?
OP's problems arised from the decision made, why would I have sympathy for that? It was a selfish decision and well sometime this type of decisions have bad consequences.
So you are victim blaming then.
sinces ops problems arised from a shitty individual taking advantage off him.
You seriously read the OP and don't feel any sympathy? I'm sorry, but you're seriously a cold person. I'd even say it seems pretty monstrous and. I hope you grow up some day and learn some empathy.
And anyway, vast majority of bad situations are somehow caused by people's own decisions.
edit: Although I will say that in case you've been cheated I understand somewhat where your reaction is coming from, but still, your reaction isn't healthy and I hope you get over it with time.
I've gone back and forth typing this out because I see that this poster is close/known to several itt. There needs to be far more " tough love" being doled out here if you care for him.
Putting all the blame on the younger user ( who is scum, no debate) and saying OP will be ok with time is doing him no good. He is a victim, yes, but he must MUST take ownership for his mistakes on a deeper level than "welp live and learn"
There were far too many poor decisions made over and over to chalk this situation up as " thems the breaks." I am still uncertain as to OP's age, but if he has this much of a deep-seeded need to feel loved, if he thinks that type of love can be acquired so superficially, if he feels these unhealthy attachments and delusions at an age where he should know better the dangers of younger preying on older ( really I could go on, that OP is absolutely full of red flags)... then he needs help and he needs it now before he hurts himself again
I can only echo people saying that professional help is the (only) way to go going forward. Of course, it's probably not what you'd want to hear, or it's something you already know. Getting help can be daunting, frustrating, and expensive. But I hope you do manage to find and get that help, and might actually end up saving you money in the end. I don't know that much about free or low-income options for therapy. Look into sliding scale therapy options. There are a lot of awful people who prey on the vulnerable, so gaining the tools to protect yourself would be a good first step towards empowerment.
Fully agree on all points. Just that the individual I quoted just flat out said 'no sympathy' which I find shitty and not constructive to the thread tbh.
You clearly need to take some time for yourself away from everyone and everything.
I'm a little mystified as to why you just went along with buying everything - let alone went back with him after the first day and continued to do it - but I won't pretend to understand where you're coming from or your emotional needs. In any case, you deserve better.
I'm a little mystified as to why you just went along with buying everything - let alone went back with him after the first day and continued to do it - but I won't pretend to understand where you're coming from or your emotional needs. In any case, you deserve better.
Oh I see that poster's earlier comments now, yea that type of stuff doesn't help either
You've acknowledge what you did wrong, that's accountability. Now, it's time for self-love and emotional recovery, go ahead and book a therapist.
Wishing you all the best Cosmic. What a terrible situation, if you aren't in a financially vulnerable position as a result of the trip to NYC, you should be in a good position to move on, and you'll find someone who genuinely cares about you.
Fuck me that's quite the story.
That really sucks OP. I can't stress this enough though, please delete and block that persons contact details. That is not healthy and sounds like you've already hit yourself financially. Delete delete delete. Guy sounds like an utter weapon. You gotta tell him to bolt.
I understand wanting to feel loved but it's defo not worth that mess and stress.
Hope you get everything sorted OP
That really sucks OP. I can't stress this enough though, please delete and block that persons contact details. That is not healthy and sounds like you've already hit yourself financially. Delete delete delete. Guy sounds like an utter weapon. You gotta tell him to bolt.
I understand wanting to feel loved but it's defo not worth that mess and stress.
Hope you get everything sorted OP
Others already gave supportive replies, so I'll point out what concerns me...
1) Where did you even get so much money? Did you use up all your life savings on this one person?? I mean, the ability to misuse your money like that obviously solves itself quickly as you stop having money, but I really hope you keep this experience in mind to never repeat it again. Money is worth nothing in my opinion, but do you at least have money for food and a place to stay now?
2) A simple thing to keep in mind: If you want someone to reveal their heart, don't give them what they want and see how they react. If they get angry, stay angry, and insist that you do give them what they want, they're not someone to be in a close relationship with of any kind, full stop.
1) Where did you even get so much money? Did you use up all your life savings on this one person?? I mean, the ability to misuse your money like that obviously solves itself quickly as you stop having money, but I really hope you keep this experience in mind to never repeat it again. Money is worth nothing in my opinion, but do you at least have money for food and a place to stay now?
2) A simple thing to keep in mind: If you want someone to reveal their heart, don't give them what they want and see how they react. If they get angry, stay angry, and insist that you do give them what they want, they're not someone to be in a close relationship with of any kind, full stop.
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Do you mean cheating isn't an accident? Decisions can commonly be mistakes.
I think this is the right kind of response. Falling into either self-loathing or self-pity (or both, should one lead to the other) as a response to this experience will not be very constructive. Sure, the guy who led the OP is on most likely did so knowingly and purposefully, but spending time thinking about how he is a terrible person is not particularly useful, given that we are unlikely to be able to change that person's behaviour.
There are times when we are truly vulnerable to and dependent on others (be it financially, or in any other sense), and in those instances where our autonomy is limited we can't be accountable when we get hurt. But there are other instances where people hurt us quite simply because we let them hurt us. I believe the OP describes one of those instances. Acknowledging our autonomy and accountability in those relationships is truly freeing, because we then give ourselves the power to change how we act.
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Oh wow. 😢
Sorry this happened to you OP - certainly all of it was with your consent, but that's how these kinds of predators act - find vulnerable folks.
Hope you can swiftly recover financially. Hoping you'll find a person who makes you feel needed without taking advantage of you. Hoping you'll be smart and emotionally stable enough to be able to tell a friend from a conman, going forward - and strong enough to tell them to fuck off, when you make that realization.
But also, hoping that your husband lands on his feet.
Sorry this happened to you OP - certainly all of it was with your consent, but that's how these kinds of predators act - find vulnerable folks.
Hope you can swiftly recover financially. Hoping you'll find a person who makes you feel needed without taking advantage of you. Hoping you'll be smart and emotionally stable enough to be able to tell a friend from a conman, going forward - and strong enough to tell them to fuck off, when you make that realization.
But also, hoping that your husband lands on his feet.
Sorry to hear about this OP, in terms of your marriage breakdown - it almost entirely mirrors my own. Once we started having children, we became very good friends and nothing more and then eventually it wasn't enough for her so she ended up clicking with someone else behind the scenes. I'm obviously on the other side than you as it was you who left your husband (and it was my wife who left me) and it was extremely difficult but I have no doubt it was extremely hard for my ex-wife too given we got along very well and were by all accounts good friends (and still are).
I think you are seeking what you no longer have with your husband and have, unfortunately, ran straight into an absolute asshole who has taken advantage of your current emotional state. Whilst it's unfortunate you didn't own up to your husband about speaking to this guy for 2 weeks, I don't think you need to be overly harsh on yourself for the breakdown of your marriage. Marriage is extremely difficult, there's a reason why as many don't work out than do. Life is complicated.
If it were me, and this is my advice:
1. Block this guy from everything you have him on and never speak to him again, he's a manipulative asshole and there are other people, good people, who can give you what you want in the long term once you get yourself in a better place - this guy is not it.
2. I think you should see a counselor even if its just to blurt out what you're feeling - it's been 2 years since my marriage breakdown and its still hard to this day sometimes. Get the help, it's not a failure.
I think you are seeking what you no longer have with your husband and have, unfortunately, ran straight into an absolute asshole who has taken advantage of your current emotional state. Whilst it's unfortunate you didn't own up to your husband about speaking to this guy for 2 weeks, I don't think you need to be overly harsh on yourself for the breakdown of your marriage. Marriage is extremely difficult, there's a reason why as many don't work out than do. Life is complicated.
If it were me, and this is my advice:
1. Block this guy from everything you have him on and never speak to him again, he's a manipulative asshole and there are other people, good people, who can give you what you want in the long term once you get yourself in a better place - this guy is not it.
2. I think you should see a counselor even if its just to blurt out what you're feeling - it's been 2 years since my marriage breakdown and its still hard to this day sometimes. Get the help, it's not a failure.
That person sounds like a borderline sociopath to me. I hope he truly falls into a miserable pit for a while. He deserves it.
Best of luck to you, OP. You seem like a sweet person. You'll make a hell of a comeback
You too, man
Best of luck to you, OP. You seem like a sweet person. You'll make a hell of a comeback
You too, man
Look, this will not define you and
this will not ruin your life!
Please stop hurting yourself- get professional help, for yourself and for your marriage.
A marriage counselor will help with your relationship, either to stay together or to divorce properly.
You need to fill the empty spaces inside you, you need to learn to love yourself.
Don't blame yourself for this. Fuck this guy, and fuck the money.
That money is just the manifestation of the hurt you felt. Now you know how much money that costs, that's the only financial lesson learned here.
Not many people make this kind of experience first hand, so growing with it will be a lot more valuable than whatever much $ you lost in the process.
Thanks for sharing the story!
That money is just the manifestation of the hurt you felt. Now you know how much money that costs, that's the only financial lesson learned here.
Not many people make this kind of experience first hand, so growing with it will be a lot more valuable than whatever much $ you lost in the process.
Thanks for sharing the story!
If you don't care about anyone else's opinions, why come grand standing in this thread? Things in real life aren't black & white. People shouldn't cheat, that's true, but, like, there's a difference with cheating in a loveless marriage with no intimacy or even much in the form of daily interactions anymore that's basically over in everything but official papers, and cheating someone you do have at least some level of active engagement with in your day-to-day, week-to-week, month-to-month life.
Sounds like he's a psychopath and he knew exactly what buttons to press in order to manipulate you.
By the way, and hope nobody takes offense, but do you think you might be on the spectrum? I'm studying a lot about it due to my son's recent diagnosis and it seems like autistic people are sadly common victims of people like this guy because they tend to trust others more often than neurotypical people.
By the way, and hope nobody takes offense, but do you think you might be on the spectrum? I'm studying a lot about it due to my son's recent diagnosis and it seems like autistic people are sadly common victims of people like this guy because they tend to trust others more often than neurotypical people.
I'm not saying that their relationship was great and he made a mistake for breaking it, no, every relationship has issues but it's better to be honest with your partner and if the relationship can't continue, well it can't. Cheating is the easy way out and bring bigger issues than just a clean break.
What do you think is easier to do, to cheat on your SO with the first person that gives you attention or to talk to them, discuss the issues and end the relationship in a civil way?
User threadbanned (permanent); thread derail
I never blamed anyone, I just said that decisions always bring consequences, I never said he deserved what happen to him at all. Report me if that's what you want but stop putting words in my mouth.