This will be the last thread I make here since I requested a permaban earlier because being on message boards is making me miserable but I'll continue to post replies as long as I can or until my flight leaves or whatever.
I split up with my husband recently, we had been together for eight years and married for three. While our togetherness was good, we were essentially roommates and did not have a physical relationship at all. He was unhappy with it, I was unhappy with it, but we simply weren't attracted to each other very much these days. I am a very emotionally responsive person and have some attachment issues along with a history of depression, anxiety, and self-destructive behaviors.
The years before my husband I was very lonely and I was lonely again for at least the past year or two. I needed someone to need me, to rely on me, to want me. So when this guy on Instagram contacted me about a month ago, we quickly began to talk everyday. I felt sick even doing this, but couldn't stop myself from continuing. After a couple weeks I confessed to my husband that I was getting emotionally attached to this person, and he told me that if it had been a simple instance of cheating then he could've gotten past it, but having such strong emotion already was an obvious indicator that I wanted to be with this person — and i did. We went for days without speaking to each other, and living in the apartment like this was awkward. Later we'd have additional conversations, tearful ones, about where do we go from here. This isn't a bitter split, there's no real anger involved, just sadness and disappointment.
I would then decide to take a trip to NYC to see my friend? Hook-up? Crush? Who knows. I didn't care that we're in a pandemic, I wanted to feel loved. I got a covid test the day before leaving (negative) just to be vaguely cautious. We met up the first afternoon and I bought him some expensive things at a vintage store. He was elated and so sweet. We had lunch, we would uber around the city sightseeing and shopping. I always paid. Why? It felt good to make him happy. At the end of the day, he fell asleep immediately after falling onto the bed at my hotel.We'd had a very busy day and I totally understood it... I was immensely content just being there with him quietly resting next to me. His phone began to ring over and over: his female roommate was having some crisis, he had to go. I paid for an enormous uber bill to get him there. He texted me later to say that he was upset I hadn't been more supportive about helping her, and that maybe I didn't really want to be with him after all. I would apologize profusely and try to fix the dumb mess I inadvertently made. He was fine the next morning and we went out shopping again; it would take a bigger effort to keep him happy after our little tiff. I spent a lot of money on that second day.
On the third day, I spent more. I couldn't say no to anything he asked for, I wasn't capable and he wasn't about to accept that answer regardless. He would have salesclerks ring up things without telling me, and to avoid an embarrassing scene or argument, I would sigh and pull out my credit card. I kissed him only twice after we had dinner and drinks at Rockefeller Center. I was beaming... if i could ignore all the spending that was eating away at me. He had to go to his sister's birthday so we couldn't stay together once again. I was pretty sad about it, but there was one more night and we both promised it would happen this time.
Day four, more gifts. Why was i being so foolish? I knew it was a scam, that I was being used, and yet I couldn't help myself. It still felt good seeing him light up and hug me after every purchase. "Thank you sooo much, Dad." He knew I didn't like being called that, but it still struck me as kind of cute. I played along. We went for drinks again, and the waiter was flirting with him. He joked about giving the waiter his Snapchat, and I made some silly comment about kicking his ass of he did. We laughed, but as we got up to leave, he changed into someone else. I apparently had said something similar to what an abusive ex used to say to him, and he was now convinced I was a violent person. He didn't want to see me again, he's sobbing, I had betrayed his trust. I went home to the hotel alone and hated myself. Hated that i was allowing someone to use me, take advantage of my good nature, and hating that I still wanted to be with him so badly.
Today, the last day I would be in NY, we made up over breakfast (guess who paid?) and he insisted that we shop again to make up for the "damage" i had done. I just quietly walked with him from store to store, furious with myself and loving the attention he gave me as the bags piled up. There was a street photographer who wanted to take our picture. My toxic friend looks like a young French actor in the Polaroid. He's stunning. I was to pay the man $20 for the photo, but I didn't have cash. Daaad, go to the atm! I ask why he can't pay just this once. We argue, I storm away to get cash. Upon returning, my friend is gone. The photographer tells me he had gotten scared of my "temper" and left. Frantically calling and texting, he finally responds: "Come to [store name] and I'll forgive you for embarrassing me like that." I have to leave for the airport soon, but I go anyway because I'm shattered at the idea of losing him once and for all. We meet up finally and he makes me spend over $1,000 on vintage clothes before silently walking away with his prizes. I remind myself that I'm now financially ruined after nearly an entire week of indulgence on someone that despises me. I think about walking in front of a city bus but the traffic is bad enough that nothing is moving fast enough to even injure me. I run to catch up with him, we barely speak, he demands I get an Uber to take him home. When it arrives, he gets in and leaves me standing there (now late for the airport). Some time later, my only ridiculous instinct is to text him that it was heartbreaking not being able to say goodbye. What is wrong with me?! He only replies that the damage is done.
I'm on a plane back to LA now, wondering how I ever arrived in this situation. It's ludicrous. I've mocked others dense enough to fall for similar traps, that would never be me I told myself. I'm too smart!
All I wanted was to be loved. And if he calls me tomorrow, I'm probably sick enough to apologize again and try to repair "what we had." I only needed him to need me. I'm fucked in the head.
I split up with my husband recently, we had been together for eight years and married for three. While our togetherness was good, we were essentially roommates and did not have a physical relationship at all. He was unhappy with it, I was unhappy with it, but we simply weren't attracted to each other very much these days. I am a very emotionally responsive person and have some attachment issues along with a history of depression, anxiety, and self-destructive behaviors.
The years before my husband I was very lonely and I was lonely again for at least the past year or two. I needed someone to need me, to rely on me, to want me. So when this guy on Instagram contacted me about a month ago, we quickly began to talk everyday. I felt sick even doing this, but couldn't stop myself from continuing. After a couple weeks I confessed to my husband that I was getting emotionally attached to this person, and he told me that if it had been a simple instance of cheating then he could've gotten past it, but having such strong emotion already was an obvious indicator that I wanted to be with this person — and i did. We went for days without speaking to each other, and living in the apartment like this was awkward. Later we'd have additional conversations, tearful ones, about where do we go from here. This isn't a bitter split, there's no real anger involved, just sadness and disappointment.
I would then decide to take a trip to NYC to see my friend? Hook-up? Crush? Who knows. I didn't care that we're in a pandemic, I wanted to feel loved. I got a covid test the day before leaving (negative) just to be vaguely cautious. We met up the first afternoon and I bought him some expensive things at a vintage store. He was elated and so sweet. We had lunch, we would uber around the city sightseeing and shopping. I always paid. Why? It felt good to make him happy. At the end of the day, he fell asleep immediately after falling onto the bed at my hotel.We'd had a very busy day and I totally understood it... I was immensely content just being there with him quietly resting next to me. His phone began to ring over and over: his female roommate was having some crisis, he had to go. I paid for an enormous uber bill to get him there. He texted me later to say that he was upset I hadn't been more supportive about helping her, and that maybe I didn't really want to be with him after all. I would apologize profusely and try to fix the dumb mess I inadvertently made. He was fine the next morning and we went out shopping again; it would take a bigger effort to keep him happy after our little tiff. I spent a lot of money on that second day.
On the third day, I spent more. I couldn't say no to anything he asked for, I wasn't capable and he wasn't about to accept that answer regardless. He would have salesclerks ring up things without telling me, and to avoid an embarrassing scene or argument, I would sigh and pull out my credit card. I kissed him only twice after we had dinner and drinks at Rockefeller Center. I was beaming... if i could ignore all the spending that was eating away at me. He had to go to his sister's birthday so we couldn't stay together once again. I was pretty sad about it, but there was one more night and we both promised it would happen this time.
Day four, more gifts. Why was i being so foolish? I knew it was a scam, that I was being used, and yet I couldn't help myself. It still felt good seeing him light up and hug me after every purchase. "Thank you sooo much, Dad." He knew I didn't like being called that, but it still struck me as kind of cute. I played along. We went for drinks again, and the waiter was flirting with him. He joked about giving the waiter his Snapchat, and I made some silly comment about kicking his ass of he did. We laughed, but as we got up to leave, he changed into someone else. I apparently had said something similar to what an abusive ex used to say to him, and he was now convinced I was a violent person. He didn't want to see me again, he's sobbing, I had betrayed his trust. I went home to the hotel alone and hated myself. Hated that i was allowing someone to use me, take advantage of my good nature, and hating that I still wanted to be with him so badly.
Today, the last day I would be in NY, we made up over breakfast (guess who paid?) and he insisted that we shop again to make up for the "damage" i had done. I just quietly walked with him from store to store, furious with myself and loving the attention he gave me as the bags piled up. There was a street photographer who wanted to take our picture. My toxic friend looks like a young French actor in the Polaroid. He's stunning. I was to pay the man $20 for the photo, but I didn't have cash. Daaad, go to the atm! I ask why he can't pay just this once. We argue, I storm away to get cash. Upon returning, my friend is gone. The photographer tells me he had gotten scared of my "temper" and left. Frantically calling and texting, he finally responds: "Come to [store name] and I'll forgive you for embarrassing me like that." I have to leave for the airport soon, but I go anyway because I'm shattered at the idea of losing him once and for all. We meet up finally and he makes me spend over $1,000 on vintage clothes before silently walking away with his prizes. I remind myself that I'm now financially ruined after nearly an entire week of indulgence on someone that despises me. I think about walking in front of a city bus but the traffic is bad enough that nothing is moving fast enough to even injure me. I run to catch up with him, we barely speak, he demands I get an Uber to take him home. When it arrives, he gets in and leaves me standing there (now late for the airport). Some time later, my only ridiculous instinct is to text him that it was heartbreaking not being able to say goodbye. What is wrong with me?! He only replies that the damage is done.
I'm on a plane back to LA now, wondering how I ever arrived in this situation. It's ludicrous. I've mocked others dense enough to fall for similar traps, that would never be me I told myself. I'm too smart!
All I wanted was to be loved. And if he calls me tomorrow, I'm probably sick enough to apologize again and try to repair "what we had." I only needed him to need me. I'm fucked in the head.
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