I know this is “bad,” but does anyone else vastly prefer confronting someone via text?

[pleaseinsertdisctwo]

I thought this was a fairly recent thing for me, but I've realized I've been practically doing this all my life ever since I gained access to a computer/phone.

Any time I've needed to confront someone, I'd either do it entirely over text/some sort of online messaging (like social media message, email, etc.), or I'd at least initiate it that way.

"Why?" You may ask.

1. I like giving people the time and space that they need. "But what if they don't reply?" Well, no reply communicates more than enough, IMO.

And if they do reply, they at least don't have to say something out of their ass right then and there. For example, if I want to confront my mom about something, I don't want to do it when she's home from work and watching TV or talking to her friends. Out-of-the-blue? How can I expect a satisfying response if there's no warning beforehand? Or for her to not be pissed or anxious? Same with phone calls. IMO someone is far more likely to communicate the way they intend to via text (again, if it's dishonest? Then that communicates necessary information in and of itself!), rather than phone or in person with no warning as they're more likely to say whatever to get you to shut up.

2. I have ADHD, and I'm not the best with on-the-fly thinking even with medication; something I know I should work on. But for me, I best articulate my thoughts via writing. If I feel pressured, my brain kind of partially shuts off and I'll maybe forget important details, maybe be more impulsive, etc.

3. People may say "oh it's easier to lie over text." And?


Basically, I'm of the opinion that you can't really force anything. If someone wants to communicate, and if someone wants to be honest, they will be. So in that case, via text, if they want to communicate and be honest, they at least have time/space. Plus, for me, I can jot all my thoughts down, I'm not in a rush, and I can make sure that I'm presenting my thoughts/feelings/info the way I intend to.


I'm expecting ppl in here to overwhelmingly say "wow the age of technology is killing human interaction," but I disagree. I just like not bothering ppl :-(


Side note, I absolutely hate phone calls and 99% of the time I don't pick them up, even if it's a friend. I'm terrible at lying on the spot and I don't want to be pressured into hanging out or whatever if I don't want to. I have a friend who used to just call me because she wanted to vent, but then she understood how I operate, and now if she wants to vent via phone call, she'll text me first and ask me if i can set aside 15/20 mins to vent via phone, which makes me a much happier camper.

 

[konka]

If it's something truly important with somebody truly important to me I'd be pretty depressed that they couldn't even muster the courage to say something to me in person.

 

[Qwark]

I love text communication, it's so much easier to get my ideas across without having to worry about muddling them or misrepresenting something. And on the other end it gives people a chance to digest and think about it instead of answering in the heat of the moment.

Obviously some things are better done in person though, I still like to script those out ahead of time if I can.

 

[echoshifting]

It's sooooo easy to be misunderstood by text, I don't think it's a good idea to have a major confrontation this way and I try to avoid it. Not having any inflection or body language to go with something tough to hear can really blow things up. And it's difficult to "proof" your text against this when all you have is your own perspective to find problems.

I communicate best via writing too but I still don't do this, maybe a follow-up clarification at most.

Using Era as an example, think of all the times you have seen someone write "is this sarcasm?" or have an extreme reaction to a post you thought was mild, we go from zero to a hundred all the time here because it's very hard to perfectly convey one's tone and meaning with text, individual perception counts for a lot.

 

[Gunny T Highway]

If it's something truly important with somebody truly important to me I'd be pretty depressed that they couldn't even muster the courage to say something to me in person.

Click to shrink...

I feel the same.

If it is major discussion or argument texts are not going to cut it.

 

[SolVanderlyn]

It feels like wanting to have your cake and eat it too when someone does this. If you want to call me out on something then at least have the gusto to do it face to face.

Sorry if this seems incendiary to you, OP, but it feels really bad to be on the receiving end of this.

 

[Jebral]

My worst fights with my wife have been when she goes to work and texts me her grievances from 40 miles away. Hard disagree.

I'm a huge believer in important conversations happening face to face.

 

[Midnight Lunch]

I agree with the idea that big conversations are better had in person, I'm just so bad at articulating myself face to face. I get flustered and usually give in to easily or forget what I wanted to say, unless it's someone I'm really comfortable with.

 

[MarioSuperstar77]

Honestly, talking to people over SMS should be a societal norm, for over a century it's been shown that people with shyness or anxiety couldn't talk to other people out in the blue without being outed as weird or something else like that.

 

[NoRéN]

Sounds cowardly to me but phones are how people communicate mostly
now so whatever.

 

[TaySan]

If it's something big it needs to be face to face.

 

[JaseMath]

For big issues—like come-to-Jesus talks—texting is a coward's way. Sorry, OP.

 

[TaterTots]

This depends on the severity of the issue.

 

[Deleted member 2625]

honestly it seems self-serving, what you've laid out here. it's social cowardice. everyone's got issues. you should figure out how to confront people "live", it'll serve you better in the long run.

think of it this way: if you didn't have your phone or a computer, could you interact in uneasy situations with other people? if the answer is no, then you need to think about that.

Honestly, talking to people over SMS should be a societal norm, for over a century it's been shown that people with shyness or anxiety couldn't talk to other people out in the blue without being outed as weird or something else like that.

Click to shrink...

none of that is true, what on earth are you talking about. is this some ironic gen-z hot take I'm not getting? Google: sonnet

 

[SpecX]

I don't think it's wrong to initiate the conversation/issue through text or social media, but it also depends on how big the issue is. It can be difficult to grasp the severity and/or emotion of the message you are sending that you much more easily can get from a face to face conversation.

If it's a big enough issue, face to face should always be the follow up to any text confrontation to ensure closure and acceptance is reached.

 

[Everybody Lies]

It's gutless and I don't allow it for serious matters. You have something to say to me, look me in the eye and say it.

 

[Theswweet]

If you feel like you need to confront someone over text - while there are some times where it says something about who you're confronting - most of the time, I'd say it says more about you.

With text you can drop your beef and dip. In person, for better or worse you have to stick around.

 

[Spinluck]

I have ADHD and can totally relate OP.

I don't take confrontation well which is why I face it or initiate it. I much prefer it to texting (hate texting), even a call would suffice somewhat. Thinking on the fly sucks for a lot of ADHD people but like most things mental health related, practice mindfulness whenever possible. It really helps clear some things up.

 

[F2BBm3ga]

Disagree.

I text typically for short burst communication. But for anything that is going to be long winded/confrontational/serious I would prefer either face to face or at least verbally over the phone. When people do shit in like OP, It comes across as cowardly and I just dont have the patience or time for it.

 

[HanSoloCup]

I grew up in Philly, where we confront everything bluntly face-to-face. We have a lot of passion, and it usually gets contentious. But after talking through the problems, you forgive, forget, and move on.

 

[skeezx]

i had a good friend who did this. we are not friends anymore

mileage varies on what "confrontation" is and per situation but IMO it's a loser's way out

 

[VeryHighlander]

It's cowardly. But if you can't defend your own thoughts against a person who will back themselves up then it makes sense to send a passive aggressive text to ruin someone's night. Yes, there are advantages like being able to gather your thoughts and articulate yourself better, but that's the reason why it's cowardly. You're basically blindsiding the fuck out of someone who now has to sit there and spend time texting your ass back to solve the situation. Whereas in real life you can have a back and forth conversation with someone and learn a thing or two.

 

[pleaseinsertdisctwo]

If it's something big it needs to be face to face.

Click to shrink...

If it's big I'll at least want to say beforehand over text that I'd want to talk later in person. Is that bad? Again I don't want to blindside the person. At least this way they'll know I want to discuss something at least somewhat serious

 

[pleaseinsertdisctwo]

It's cowardly. But if you can't defend your own thoughts against a person who will back themselves up then it makes sense to send a passive aggressive text to ruin someone's night. Yes, there are advantages like being able to gather your thoughts and articulate yourself better, but that's the reason why it's cowardly. You're basically blindsiding the fuck out of someone who now has to sit there and spend time texting your ass back to solve the situation. Whereas in real life you can have a back and forth conversation with someone and learn a thing or two.

Click to shrink...

Ugh I should have made this more about INITIATING over text. I wouldn't want the whole thing to be over text, but at least initially? Even a "hey can we discuss something later?" Or a "can we talk about X later?" Is that bad?

 

[Kain-Nosgoth]

i get you, i'm a terrible talker and can't think of anything on the spot...

having time to truly think about what i'll say is really better for everyone! If they want to talk face to face i will oblige though

 

[overcast]

If it's something important I would really much rather hash it out face to face or at least call them and talk on the phone. Not to say I haven't had serious discussions over text, it just isn't ideal to me.

 

[B4mv]

Vastly prefer? Absolutely.

Will I do it? No.

 

[Daysean]

GOD NO
This is cowardly* and just ASKING for misunderstandings
You need to say shit to their face because body language and tone carry way more meaning than just text which WILL be interpreted wrongly

*If you're just doing it just because you dont want to talk to them, instead of having issues like verbal communication problems

 

[GatsGatsby]

I do it and its because I have difficulty getting out what I need to say. I also have a bad history of clamming up if I choose to go for a direct confrontation face to face which obviously can cause bigger issues down the road. After I get out my initial issue I'm fine with talking over the phone or face to face.

Honestly fuck anyone who thinks this is cowardly or disrespectful. Let people address their issues with others in anyway that makes them feel comfortable. They may not be doing it in the form you prefer but at least its not being bottled up.

 

[NaturalHigh]

 

[Steeped in a Sea of Games]

I do it and its because I have difficulty getting out what I need to say. I also have a bad history of clamming up if I choose to go for a direct confrontation face to face which obviously can cause bigger issues down the road. After I get out my initial issue I'm fine with talking over the phone or face to face.

Honestly fuck anyone who thinks this is cowardly or disrespectful. Let people address their issues with others in anyway that makes them feel comfortable. They may not be doing it in the form you prefer but at least its not being bottled up.

Click to shrink...

Nah, it's pretty damn cowardly. I mean, it's not always bad because sometimes we need to take care of ourselves first, but don't think you're ever being brave by confronting someone in a way where they can't actually directly respond.

 

[TaySan]

If it's big I'll at least want to say beforehand over text that I'd want to talk later in person. Is that bad? Again I don't want to blindside the person. At least this way they'll know I want to discuss something at least somewhat serious

Click to shrink...

That's fine as long as you have the actual discussion in person.

 

[badboy78660]

Nah. I prefer to do that kind of thing in person so as to see their reaction right then and there.

 

[DreadPirateRoberts]

The only time that really bothers me is if people pull that shit in the middle of the work day, wait until I'm off

 

[GatsGatsby]

Nah, it's pretty damn cowardly. I mean, it's not always bad because sometimes we need to take care of ourselves first, but don't think you're ever being brave by confronting someone in a way where they can't actually directly respond.

Click to shrink...

I dont think I'm brave for the simple fact that I dont equate bravery or cowardice with how you choose to deal with an issue. You simply deal with it or dont. In the case of my relationship I'm not going to get a direct response from my Bf a lot of the time we're incredibly busy people and sometimes we both leave a text if theres something wrong we either hash it out then either through text or a phone call or we wait to see each other which then we're both prepared. Its worked for the last 5 years.

 

[Chumunga64]

It may be easier at times but I'm not a teen anymore, I have to confront people in person more often than not

 

[WhySoDevious]

Yes

Unless you start the text with

"*breathes in deeply and musters the courage to say something*"

 

[Gouty]

You like it because you don't have a spine.

 

[mashoutposse]

Text is too low-bandwidth. I want to see and hear live reactions.

Wanting to keep it to text reeks of fear of the reaction and a lack of transparency into yours that feels like deception.

 

[Lord Fagan]

A fear of confrontation doesn't justify a one sided posture when you desire confrontation.

It's a halfway point between passive aggressively shit talking behind somebody's back and respecting them enough to resolve the matter like an adult. If there is a fear of physical safety, or a history of the other party becoming belligerent and unreasonable when trying to clear the air, that's one thing, but just using a chat window to lob criticisms because looking the other person in the eye and having to contest with the response in real time is "uncomfortable?" Sorry, that just ain't it, OP.

 

[mashoutposse]

Approaching things this way also meaningfully lowers your chances of a desirable outcome.