I feel... empty

[Bing-Bong]

Pd; Took me a while to take the step to make this thread. Sorry if it is a bit messy. I feel kinda better after putting it on words, but I suck at writing, that's a fact on whatever language i try to voice myself. I still feel pretty empty, though.​

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This last 2 months I've been through big emotional ups and downs, suddenly feeling ok, feeling terrible the next day. I just feel... sad, but no sad like "blue", it's more like "black" maybe dark blue. Thing is, i don't exactly know what is making me feel this way and my whole family is worried about me and sometimes they push me to tell what's wrong, what problem i have, but i don't really know! I don't know what's wrong!​

I'm living with my grandfathers right now, their house is near the college where i study. I don't really have any friends, not living near me, i talk sometimes with 2 o 3 guys through chat. I like my career, but classes are pretty boring, most teachers are giving class just because it's the only way they can research their stuff and their lessons feel heavy and forced. I have to do lots of group work on this career, but i don't click at all with my classmates; i don't blame them, I'm not one to go out all night as they do, tbh, i don't even drink. I usually feel alone and bored.​

I don't have will to do anything at all. I tried to get back to drawing, but i feel tired every time i give it a go; i lack a lot of confidence too, i feel like whatever i draw is garbage. I've started to go to the gym, but it only makes me feel ok while working out. I don't even care about my career at all, tbh, i don't care about classes at all, going there feels boring, tedious and monotone. I play videogames, but it's just like the gym: I only feel good for a while. Listening to music or reading comics work the same.​

I thought about getting help from a doctor, but no, i don't want to get through that. The last time i visited one he was only interested about my sexuality even thought i went there because i'm not good on interactions, made me feel pretty uncomfortable and ended up stealing 150€ from my family; trash all that money made me feel even worse. I don't want to wait 6 month to go to a free doctor neither: if i need help, i need it now, i'm tired of this feeling.​

I'm convinced that suicide it's not the way to go. My SO is close to scape from the fucked up country she lives on and i don't want to fail her after so much we went through together. Still, i don't know what to do. I don't know how to keep going. I feel useless. I feel like i lack something, like a purpose or idk. I feel like i wasted years doing absolutely nothing and i don't know what to do now.​

Thanks for reading.​

 

[Kwigo]

I feel like i lack something, like a purpose or idk. I feel like i wasted years doing absolutely nothing and i don't know what to do now.​

Click to shrink...

This might actually be your answer. Find your purpose! It's never to late for that.
Just find what makes you happy and keep going on.

 

[Ultimate Bear Cub]

I didn't know what to expect with the thread title, but you seem a little down. Do you keep a journal? I use one to track everyday tasks, but it can come in handy for writing down my mood too. Sometimes you just have to put it all down on paper and take a step back to assess it.

I draw occasionally too. It's a lot of fun and I know what you mean about thinking it isn't great. I do find it very therapeutic even though it's been a while since I did draw.

There is a lot in your post btw. I don't know what to talk about really.

Your family's concern doesn't communicate to me that they think of you as useless. If you feel this way personally then you might not be listening to an inner desire. It ok to not know what that is immediately.

 

[Order]

There had to be a better word to use

 

[Deleted member 48434]

Oh man, I feel I can relate. I personally would describe it as feeling "Empty", I think that would be a better word to use. (Honestly, I really wouldn't use the word black here, I suggest maybe contacting a moderator and asking for a title change)
When nothing you previously enjoyed is fun. When you feel like you'll amount to nothing.
You sound depressed, OP.

But hey! A quick read over your post tells me that you are doing better than you think! You are currently studying, you have an SO, it sounds like you have a family that cares about you, you go to the gym. All in all, things could be worse.

It sounds like maybe you have a chemical imbalance possibly. I think your best option is finding another doctor. Maybe anti-depressants?

Edit: There we go, that's a much better and much more accurate title.

 

[808s & Villainy]

There are different shades of blue

 

[Video Games Are Dumb]

I thought about getting help from a doctor, but no, i don't want to get through that. The last time i visited one he was only interested about my sexuality even thought i went there because i'm not good on interactions, made me feel pretty uncomfortable and ended up stealing 150€ from my family; trash all that money made me feel even worse. I don't want to wait 6 month to go to a free doctor neither: if i need help, i need it now, i'm tired of this feeling.

Click to shrink...

Lemme tell ya a little something.

A few months ago I was obviously going through a horrific depressive episode. I went to see a therapist and she recommended me at least 8 books I had to buy and read. Also I need to listen to New Age music. You know, whale sounds and shit. She couldn't even remember my fucking name after our 5th session. Which uhhhhhhh made me spiral into a petty serious suicidal thing. I'm very lucky nothing happened because of how shit she was at her job.

Flash forward to this month, I found a real therapist and psychiatrist and doctor and am now on medication. I'm still fucking depressed but I'm getting better.

Please, please, please see a doctor until you find the right one. They are out there, I promise.

 

[astro]

I feel for your struggles, but that thread title was poorly chosen.

 

[Wrapped in Black]

Not like this OP. Especially as we're nearing the end of BHM. And some part of me feels like you knew what you were doing. Change that title.

 

[Fulminator]

I feel for your struggles, but that thread title was poorly chosen.

Click to shrink...

yeah...i was expecting something else

probably could have used the word empty

 

[RecRoulette]

I feel for your struggles, but that thread title was poorly chosen.

Click to shrink...

^

 

[16bits]

there HAS to be a better word

 

[Stinkles]

Lemme tell ya a little something.

A few months ago I was obviously going through a horrific depressive episode. I went to see a therapist and she recommended me at least 8 books I had to buy and read. Also I need to listen to New Age music. You know, whale sounds and shit. She couldn't even remember my fucking name after our 5th session. Which uhhhhhhh made me spiral into a petty serious suicidal thing. I'm very lucky nothing happened because of how shit she was at her job.

Flash forward to this month, I found a real therapist and psychiatrist and doctor and am now on medication. I'm still fucking depressed but I'm getting better.

Please, please, please see a doctor until you find the right one. They are out there, I promise.

Click to shrink...

Just wanted to point out to people reading this - that it's common - the poster who wrote this dealt with it himself in the aftermath, but I'd caution people looking to get therapy or see a medical professional that they should accept this aspect BEFORE going and ignore it or not take it personally. Think of your health as a vehicle that needs essential service or repairs. The dealer is sometimes the best place to go. They don't actually care about your car, but they mostly have the parts and tools to service it - your head gasket is leaking and it's 60k miles on the clock, and your timing belt threatens to wreck your big end at any moment.

It sucks going to the dealer, nobody likes it, but your engine needs that service and those parts. You may get lucky and find one of those mechanics who listens and doesn't overcharge and leaves the interior cleaner than they found it, but if you're in a dark place, you still need a qualified mechanic to get under there with a flashlight, even if he or she's a dick and leaves crumbs on the seat.

 

[Bing-Bong]

Oh, fuck. I was thinking on colors while trying to get how i feel, not thinking on anything else. It's indeed a pretty bad word choice, SORRY.

Shit. I'll try to fix it...

 

[B-Dubs]

Oh, fuck. I was thinking on colors while trying to get how i feel, not thinking on anything else. It's indeed a pretty bad word choice, SORRY.

Shit. I'll try to fix it...

Click to shrink...

Just gimme a new color and I'll adjust it

 

[astro]

Oh, fuck. I was thinking on colors while trying to get how i feel, not thinking on anything else. It's indeed a pretty bad word choice, SORRY.

Shit. I'll try to fix it...

Click to shrink...

You can report your own OP and request a title change. Editing your OP you can do yourself.

Edit: admin on it

 

[poofynamanama2]

There are different shades of blue

Click to shrink...

LMAO. lmaoooo

Yea, OP, pretty bad wording right there!

 

[808s & Villainy]

But back on topic OP, I think what you're lacking maybe is s passion. Something you truly care for, not because it brings you money, or outside validation, but because it makes YOU happy when you're at it. Try and find whatever that is for you. Doesn't have to be anything major, because ultimately it's just for you

 

[Bing-Bong]

Just gimme a new color and I'll adjust it

Click to shrink...

Oh, i reported it just know to change it for empty. My mistake, sorry.

I would like this thread to be directed in the stuff i worte, not on the title...

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Back on topic... I don't really know what else to try. Maybe i just need more time on the gym or maybe i should make my head to finally learn some bass. Music kind off works when i'm stressed and that kind of stuff, but i don't know if i could call it my passion.

Maybe i should visit another therapist, as others suggest, but i'm still scared of them. The last one was recommended by a friend who's a doctor and... well... i've wrote how it went.

I think i'll get the diary thing in consideration.

 

[The Curry Witch]

Oh there's been so many such threads here lately and most often I tend not to respond to them. But today I feel like ramblin. Just know that you're not alone with such feelings and that they are not unwarranted - and neither are they your friends.

The truth is, we are but a bunch of lost souls floating through space, are we not? Everything we do, even the greatest accomplishments of humanity will one they vanish with a burnt out sun snuffing out all life on this desolate rock. Examine anything human-made close enough or through a lense big enough and you will find that it has no real everlasting purpose. How easy it is to despair in the face of such an inevitable cosmic fate. But you should choose not to. On the contrary!

But look at humanity as a whole and you will find a lot of purpose. Ask yourself? Why all this busywork? This progress? This search for something? We exist to exist, friend, and that's the end of it. Some people never ask the kinds of questions you ask and they just trudge on, oblivious to our place and our importance in this universe. And some people, perhaps you, looks at this and say: "Harr! I might as well make the most out of it while I'm here!"

Look upon a man who finds purpose in his day-to-day existence and you look upon a great man or woman or what have you. Don't feel to bad for not feeling like you're heading in a clear direction. And there's no such thing as "wasting time". Life is all about wasting time, only by wasting time and exploring things will you eventually find what fulfills you. Try to find a purpose through the small deeds that define your daily life. Stay curious. Don't fret the insignificant things, because that's what they are. And always reject suicide, because if you head to far into this direction you will never reach a state where you can be content with what you have achieved. And feeling content, that's the best feeling in the world right there.

And go to a doctor if need be. There are many good ones and bad ones, you might have gotten a bad one. But therapy is great and often necessary. In fact, many people who never bother with one could probably need one.

Sorry for ramblin.

 

[Deleted member 48434]

Oh, i reported it just know to change it for empty. My mistake, sorry.

I would like this thread to be directed in the stuff i worte, not on the title...

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Back on topic... I don't really know what else to try. Maybe i just need more time on the gym or maybe i should make my head to finally learn some bass. Music kind off works when i'm stressed and that kind of stuff, but i don't know if i could call it my passion.

Maybe i should visit another therapist, as others suggest, but i'm still scared of them. The last one was recommended by a friend who's a doctor and... well... i've wrote how it went.

I think i'll get the diary thing in consideration.

Click to shrink...

Honestly, some people just don't work well with some therapists. I legitimately believe that finding a good therapist will do you wonders.
Unless you are hiding something, there doesn't seem to be anything particular in your life getting you down from what I personally can see in your post, so a therapist would be a better bet than era, and maybe some anti-depressants?

Could it be that you are overstreched without realising, too stressed? What with studies and what's going on with your SO?

 

[Bing-Bong]

Frankly, it can be a bit of a crapshoot as to if you get a good doctor or not. I legitimately believe that finding a good therapist will do you wonders.
Unless you are hiding something, there doesn't seem to be anything particular in your life getting you down from what I personally can see in your post, so a therapist would be a better bet than era, and maybe some anti-depressants?

Could it be that you are overstreched without realising, too stressed? What with studies and what's going on with your SO?

Click to shrink...

I have stress problems. I tried meditation to fix them, but i'm not able to be consistent on whatever exercises i try.

Last year, before entering my career, i tried to convince my parents on getting a year off to try and relax myself. It was timed perfect, as that year my grades were to low to enter what i'm studying now and had to wait a whole year to try and get better grades and try again. Thing is, they didn't allow me and kind off forced me to enter another career in the meantime. I always thought that i wasted a whole year there.

My SO lives in Venezuela, i think anyone can get a picture of the kind of problems she has there to worry me about just by telling that. Still, she's the one that always ends up making me feel better when i'm in a bad mood. She always pulls me and takes me out of everything. I sometimes feel like i'm not enough for her.

I don't think i forgot to tell anything, tbh... i live a pretty normal life, putting aside not having friends at all or the lack of selfconfidence. I always though that i was ok with what i got, but suddenly i miss something. And that something is what is hurting me, i know it. Maybe seeing a therapist, trying to find a good one, is the best thing to do, but expending my family money trying to find one is what worries me most.

Maybe i'm just making an ocean over a glass of water. Sometimes i just want time alone to relax myself, but no one lets me get it.

Oh there's been so many such threads here lately and most often I tend not to respond to them. But today I feel like ramblin. Just know that you're not alone with such feelings and that they are not unwarranted - and neither are they your friends.

The truth is, we are but a bunch of lost souls floating through space, are we not? Everything we do, even the greatest accomplishments of humanity will one they vanish with a burnt out sun snuffing out all life on this desolate rock. Examine anything human-made close enough or through a lense big enough and you will find that it has no real everlasting purpose. How easy it is to despair in the face of such an inevitable cosmic fate. But you should choose not to. On the contrary!

But look at humanity as a whole and you will find a lot of purpose. Ask yourself? Why all this busywork? This progress? This search for something? We exist to exist, friend, and that's the end of it. Some people never ask the kinds of questions you ask and they just trudge on, oblivious to our place and our importance in this universe. And some people, perhaps you, looks at this and say: "Harr! I might as well make the most out of it while I'm here!"

Look upon a man who finds purpose in his day-to-day existence and you look upon a great man or woman or what have you. Don't feel to bad for not feeling like you're heading in a clear direction. And there's no such thing as "wasting time". Life is all about wasting time, only by wasting time and exploring things will you eventually find what fulfills you. Try to find a purpose through the small deeds that define your daily life. Stay curious. Don't fret the insignificant things, because that's what they are. And always reject suicide, because if you head to far into this direction you will never reach a state where you can be content with what you have achieved. And feeling content, that's the best feeling in the world right there.

And go to a doctor if need be. There are many good ones and bad ones, you might have gotten a bad one. But therapy is great and often necessary. In fact, many people who never bother with one could probably need one.

Sorry for ramblin.

Click to shrink...

Actually, thanks for your ramblin. Is making me think a bit, rn.

 

[Deleted member 48434]

I have stress problems. I tried meditation to fix them, but i'm not able to be consistent on whatever exercises i try.

Last year, before entering my career, i tried to convince my parents on getting a year off to try and relax myself. It was timed perfect, as that year my grades were to low to enter what i'm studying now and had to wait a whole year to try and get better grades and try again. Thing is, they didn't allow me and kind off forced me to enter another career in the meantime. I always thought that i wasted a whole year there.

My SO lives in Venezuela, i think anyone can get a picture of the kind of problems she has there to worry me about just by telling that.

I don't think i forgot to tell anything, tbh... i live a pretty normal life, putting aside not having friends at all or the fact lack of selfconfidence. I always though that i was ok with what i got, but suddenly i miss something. And that something is what is hurting me, i know it. Maybe seeing a therapist, trying to find a good one, is the best thing to do, but expending my family money trying to find one is what worries me most.

Maybe i'm just making an ocean over a glass of water. Sometimes i just want time alone to relax myself, but no one lets me get it.


Actually, thanks for your ramblin. Is making me think a bit, rn.

Click to shrink...

You do sound quite stressed, and it also sounds like your parents have high expectations for you, and that can be difficult to deal with. Sounds like you need a break, or a way to wind down.