I don’t know if I can keep doing this

[Ultimate Bear Cub]

It wasn't a mistake to reach out. A lot of people understand how crippling that fear can be. You aren't alone and you can get through this. Perhaps with us here or after a night's rest.

Please don't do anything rash or self-harmful. I know it isn't appealing to you to talk to the help lines, but sometimes you need a break from your own routines. If not, then just chat for a bit until you get bored or sleepy.

 

[oreomunsta]

Don't mean to be rude or condescending but have you tried lowering your standards for finding a job? I understand you have a degree, but imo any job is better than no job. Have you tried applying to retail, grocery stores, fast-food, etc?

Click to shrink...

My thoughts are along Zelda's.

It sounds like a decent job can get you further in improving some aspects of your situation. It may not have to be related to your degree, unfortunately, but pick something that can have some sort of future, like working at a store -> becoming supervisor -> becoming manager. Give yourself that sense of stability first.

Then, hopefully you can move out on your own or with roommates and get away from your parent.

I'm sorry to hear about your partner :( That's a long time of being together. There's lots of people out there, though, so take care of yourself, first, and you'll get back to a point when you're ready to try again and be a great partner for someone else. But sounds like you need to work on yourself first

It sucks being in your late 20's and having life be where it's at. It could be a lot worse, though, as there's people who don't fall into a rut like this until they're much older! So start building up stability in your life, OP, and the pieces will continue falling together from there

 

[Deleted member 46958]

OP check this out:

I'm 27, no girl, unemployed, living at home rn. I just finished Master's and bruv, I'm facing a stark reality rn.

Numerous job application rejections, more places haven't even reached out to reject me, and I'm dying to move out.

I'm coming to terms with the fact that very soon I might have to take a job at an Amazon Warehouse to get $$$ and just keep moving ahead.

Do I want to do that? Of fucking course not. It's not in my field, doesn't require much thought, and tbh, a part of me will feel like I have failed.

But I gotta eat. And I gotta move the hell out. Resign from all the societal, familial and personal pressures and just do you.I'm certain you have something that can propel you forward and out of that mess. I wish you well, and I wish you luck.

When you're going through hell, you just keep going. There's an end to your plight, but not in suicide.

 

[Kittenz]

Please don't do anything tonight. Give it a week.

I hope you fight it. mental illness lies to you. Depression lies. It feeds you a stream of things that aren't true. I hated myself since I was 12. I was ugly and unworthy and less than. But of course I was none of those things, but wasted a couple decades believing it.

I feel you. I've fought depression forever. Like 30 years, since my late teens. And COVID time has been rough. I'm really worried about the winter. I don't too well in winter in the best of times.

I just finished about 2 years of DBT (dialectical behavior therapy) with the sole purpose of finding myself a social life. I was to graduate March 25. I've been shut in ever since. I have almost no friends and almost no family.

However, I do have a good therapist, and the psychiatrist and I finally found the right giant handful of drugs to shovel in my mouth each morning, and I can manage the bad times in a way I never could before.

This year's been a lot. For everyone. COVID, the election, the racial tensions, the unrest, on top of whatever you have personally. It's a lot to handle. But remember EVERYONE is going through stuff. When you see people on social media or whatever, they're trying to forget an broadcasting the good parts only.

I thought about suicide a lot when I was younger. But I would've missed a lot. Yah there were shit times - whole seasons at times. But I would've missed the Cubs finally winning the World Series, and having some good sex on the roof of my apartment building, and finally figuring out what I'm good at (teaching), and discovering how much I love EDM shows even though I am usually the oldest person by far and the only one going alone.

It gets better. Not 100% of the time, maybe having some real low points. But I'm glad I stuck it out, even with 2020 being the pits.

One day at a time for awhile. Every day find one thing you can do that is productive and helpful for someone, like your parent, even when you don't want to. And do one thing every day that you enjoy, that brings you happiness. Even if you don't feel that happiness today. Do it anyway. You'll be amazed at the difference.

Feel free to message if you need to. Willing to listen. Good luck.

 

[Deleted member 75819]

Put as much focus and effort as you can into finding a way out of that house. I was at a point in my life where I was in a very similar situation, simultaneously suicidal with homicidal ideations. My therapist urged me to get out of the house, and from that day forward my life changed for the better. It never got easy and still isn't, but it's better.

You're valuable. Your life matters and you deserve to happy and confident. Please get out of that house and get help.

 

[Instro]

Something to think about regarding your degree, and for other folks in a similar position. There are many people who have jobs that have nothing to do with the degree they went to school for, myself and my wife included. Many companies are more than happy to take people with any degree at all for entry level-ish white collar type work. Additionally there are positions that only require a high school diploma, along with a bit of relevant experience, but a degree will often smooth over a lack of specific experience. You can use these positions plus your degree to gain experience in a specific industry and use all of that as a stepping stone into working your way up a ladder into areas and jobs that might interest you. In your case you could also use your time to work on your writing.

 

[Zelda]

OP check this out:

I'm 27, no girl, unemployed, living at home rn. I just finished Master's and bruv, I'm facing a stark reality rn.

Numerous job application rejections, more places haven't even reached out to reject me, and I'm dying to move out.

I'm coming to terms with the fact that very soon I might have to take a job at an Amazon Warehouse to get $$$ and just keep moving ahead.

Do I want to do that? Of fucking course not. It's not in my field, doesn't require much thought, and tbh, a part of me will feel like I have failed.

But I gotta eat. And I gotta move the hell out. Resign from all the societal, familial and personal pressures and just do you. I'm certain you have something that can propel you forward and out of that mess. I wish you well, and I wish you luck.

When you're going through hell, you just keep going. There's an end to your plight, but not in suicide.

Click to shrink...

This is big. A lot of suffering is mental and self imposed, and if you can do the bolded above you can alleviate most of it.

 

[Polioliolio]

You are the way you are largely because of your status quo environment.

You need to shake things up in a healthy way as soon as possible. You might feel stupid at first doing something like maybe going jogging in the morning but getting physical will set a better mood for your body. From there I think you should apply to easy jobs you think you might like even if they're low pay. Worst case scenario is not getting the job, so the anxiety there isn't worth it though you'll feel it.

You just need to feel like you're doing something instead of being stuck in a rut. You can't expect yourself to get out of a rut all at once though. I know how it feels, you just want to give in to the misery because anything else feels too painful to consider. I think the easiest thing to do might be just wandering around.. You can do that right? Get on a bicycle and just ride around calmly. Make that your job initially. Just riding around like you are a kid and just breathing fresh air. You can handle that right? Make it an every day kind of thing.

Once you feel good enough, you can do other things. But there's no excuse to not just wander around a bit. If anything getting away from your abusive parent will reduce your stress levels.

 

[DC5remy]

Your here for a reason OP. Take it day to day and hang on to the fact you can make a change big or small. Find any job and take pride in it. Make friends, do your best, start a new attitude and life. It's always worth trying.

 

[Wandering Robot]

Hey, OP, if you see this post, I'd like for you to stay and chat instead. Doesn't matter what. I'm not doing much of anything—I have time to listen and lock stuff around, if you want.

 

[Descendant]

You are asking for help, and that means you don't want to take the easy way out, so then don't. Tomorrow is another day and even if its a crappy one, it will be one step towards reaching whatever goals you have yet to achieve.

It may not be your day, but this is your life. So go to sleep or dont, but live to see another day. The next day is always worth it. Speak to someone and keep reaching out.

 

[Admiral Snackbar]

I don't know how helpful it is to hear about other people in similar situations, or those that lived through them. But I do know that when I was struggling with debilitating depression that I wanted someone to ask me if I was ok...but I wanted them to ask me twice. Because my first reaction is always to deflect.

Are you ok, OP? Right now?

If you come back and see this, please DM me. I'm sure you've had plenty of these offers in the thread and all of them are genuine. You took the time to reach out, which to me shows your strength.

Are you alright? It's ok to not be.

Be safe, OP.

 

[Iucidium]

SanTheSly find a quiet place, call your local mental health crisis team, start the ball rollin' you have access to the NHS - counselling/therapy is FREE, there might be a little wait at this moment in time, but it's free.

It's just a thought, it'll pass.

 

[mindatlarge]

Do you have any friends or family you can lean on for now, in terms of either them staying with you or you staying with them? When my anxiety and panic attacks reached an all time high earlier this year, that was the only solution for me as I was at the end of my rope too, being that I am not on medication and was trying to deal with everything on my own. I'm now feeling much better, on my own again, after having family stay with me for a couple of months.

Also if you are doing anything to increase your anxiety, like nicotine intake, I would advise cutting that out of your life asap. Nicotine is terrible for someone suffering from anxiety and panic attacks, since it can lead to a much higher resting heart rate which can then lead to frequent heart palpitations, and many sleepless nights, which just adds fuel to an already anxious heart. If you need anything feel free to PM me.

 

[VVerner Herrzawgz]

I would highly recommend trying some breathing exercises on YouTube, any kind- it doesn't really matter. This should help you slow your heart rate and help calm you down in this moment.

Moving forward it can help manage stress and anxiety. Also it's a healthy way to exert some control In your life, once you've snatched that little bit it becomes so much easier to do it in other facets of your life.

It will be ok.

 

[AwRy108]

There's been some beautiful, heart-felt responses in this thread, several of which included lending ears and helping hands. Don't pass them by.

I'll add is this, even if it gets me banned for speaking my faith: God has a plan for every one of His creations, and your value as a person isn't determined by any artificial, man-made system or society. Seek Him; call out to Him; get angry at him; be vulnerable to Him and listen. To God, all lives are equally invaluable, yours included--as you seek answers to your purpose, please don't forget this. You have purpose and value to God and His plan, but it may not lie in the places you're looking. And, as evidenced even by some of the other contributions to this thread, you're not alone in feeling that you're on the wrong path.

Reach out to others; commune with people IN PERSON. Find a support group; find a church; find a therapist. Place value in community and relationships with others, and you'll likely find lots more ears and helping hands that are just more pieces in God's plan for your journey to be light in this world. God gave us free will to seek Him and His purpose for us, so don't squander it by trying to define "satisfaction" in a worldly fashion, as this is a goal that nobody every truly achieves in this life; rather, seek to use your life in way that shows honor to God and love to those around you. Lots of your fellow humans are cheering your on, are here for support, and would be devastated if you selfishly took your own life. Feel free to message me if you want to talk more.

 

[Roto64]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. You are going through a rough time but, you sound like someone who is willing to put in work to get where you want to be. My suggestion is to find professional help if you are able to. A psychologist/psychiatrist may be able to help you look at your issues in a different light and help you to find ways to take steps to get where you want to be. You might also benefit from medication. I was in a dark place myself less than a year ago and I know medication isn't for everyone but, it helped me a lot. I'm happy you reached out here and I know you will receive good advise. Please don't hesitate to look for professional help.

 

[Deleted member 21339]

mod edit: post removed

Click to shrink...

WTF

 

[El Crono]

I've never been exactly in your position, but my experience may serve you in one way or another.

Due to personal and financial circumstances I had to work from a very young age. When I was about 23 I had the chance to go to university to further my education, and so I got my first "real" job at about 27 when I graduated. It was tangentially related to the career I studied (computer science), and it the salary was really low for my degree and my age, but it allowed me to become financially independent and to start improving my quality of life.

After a year or so I it seemed I was stagnant at that job, so I started knocking on doors, but due to my lack of experience (specially at my age) no one wanted to hire me. I don't think my family and friends noticed, but at the time I felt like I was totally worthless. If I was barely able to support myself, how would I have the chance to start a family, to buy a house, or to buy my first car, all things that show the world that you are successful?

But I never stopped knocking on new doors, and eventually I landed a junior position at a local software development company. The salary was more decent, but the most important thing is that I finally had a chance to grow professionally. And fortunately, just one year after I was found out by a large company who wanted to hire me precisely because of the skills I acquired in just that year.

While sometimes it might seem that the world is coming down on you, you need to take a look at the good things in your life to thank for, and do something about the things that could improve or need to change. The first thing I'd do is find a way to get out of that house. This will go in hand with another objective you should set for yourself: find a way to support yourself. Put that degree to work, even if it seems hard or you get turned down at the beginning. Also know that changing careers is totally valid. The most important thing is that you are aware that you are young, you have options open to you, and there is a lot that of growth and improvement yet to come in your life.

 

[Suburban Thug]

OP you are not alone. I hope you are ok, wherever you are. I sent a PM if you need someone to chat with.

 

[Stuggernaut]

mod edit: post removed

Click to shrink...

Wow... that is a rough way to reply to someone talking about taking their own life. I THINK I see what you were trying to do, but I do not agree at all... yikes.

OP... DO NOT DO ANYTHING CRAZY.

Give yourself some time, I know that may feel like we are asking a lot given how you feel. But please try. You are young, you have a lot of lief to live yet.

Do you have any RL friends you can confide in, stay with? When I was struggling I ended up moving in with some friends in an extra room even though I had no job. They let me live their rent free for 16 months while I struggled and in return I did a ton of cleaning and help around their house (They did not ask but it made me feel less guilty).

I have battled depression in my life as well and got through it by opening up to a few friends.... it helps. If you do not have RL friends, then even people on this board are willing to help anytime I am sure, myself included, if you need someone to talk to.

As for work, while you may not get your dream job, sometimes doing something different for a while can help. I work for a lumber company of all things, despite training in networking and web design. Now I have been with this company 20 years and love it.

Point is, try other things, other experiences, and if you need it, other people. You may find a lane that makes you happy and starts to turn things around.

 

[Ashlette]

EDIT: Nevermind, OP is more important.

 

[Suburban Thug]

The user who posted that nonsense is banned; lets stop bringing attention to their crappy post and work on making the OP feel loved. They need us.

 

[Teenage Fansub]

Have requested a lock.

Decided I'm taking the easy way out instead.

Click to shrink...

I don't think you have. Take a walk outside right now. Just go for a wander.

 

[backpropaganda]

watch an uplifting movie like castaway... "you never know what the tide is going to bring"

And yeah, work on getting a small victory not solving your life at once

 

[Deleted member 12833]

When I was 27, I was making $14 an hour. I'm 32 now and have a good career making good money. You have to just keep trying. I also have a friend that has a English degree and was making near minimum wage for years. He did freelance work and finally landed a legit copy writer job making good money. It's not too late op.

 

[Love Machine]

SanTheSly Please talk to someone. Whether it's on the phone to one of the hotlines suggested, or messaging someone on here - please try.
You've already done so well to reach out this far, to strangers. But no one is a stranger to adversity, and in that we are all together.
You will find a reason and a means to carry on. You have to.

 

[Fredrik]

Talk. That's your way out. Talk to your friends, even to your abusive parent if you can, talk to your ex, to anyone.

I've been through the darkest of spirals and it nearly consumed me, I won't bore you with my depressing story but I never went to a phsycologist but probably should have, because talking was what eventually saved me. I was lucky enough to have someone I could ventilate with, who just listened without interfere. And with constant talks came sanity. Today I'm mostly fine, I still battle with my emotions but life is mostly good.

Whatever you do, don't give up! There are awesome things in life, possibly just around the corner, you just need some help to get that heavy darkness out of your mind so you get the strength to lift your eyes high enough to see the good stuff.

 

[yyr]

I'll just toss in...I was also in a relationship that lasted over 7 years and didn't work out. It ended shortly after my 30th birthday.

I'm a slow learner, so it took me a while to understand this, but every relationship that ends brings you closer to one (or more) that work(s). You take forward all of the knowledge you gain from your previous relationships, including knowledge regarding your own strengths, weaknesses, desires, and dislikes. Your objective isn't simply to be in a relationship; it's to find your best relationship. Heck, some people ultimately find that their best relationships are non-romantic, or with themselves. And some people take longer than others to get there, and that's okay. Some find their true loves in their 50s, 60s, 70s or beyond, and it's so much sweeter when they do.

Every ended relationship hurts. It absolutely does. But time heals, and we're better people--and partners--afterwards.

OP, I hope you'll look forward to finding your best relationship(s). I truly believe that it's a cause worth searching--and waiting--for.

Hang in there.

 

[ventuno]

It can feel daunting to seek professional help by way of a therapist or hotlines, but in doing so you are acting on the fact that you deserve to be heard and supported. This is also why you reached out and why we're here. You might feel like time is running out, but you're still here, so you still have time.

You may not be taking the steps you anticipated you would, but this does not disallow you from taking other steps. You are aware of your current circumstances, but please be aware that you are brave enough to face the truth of your situation, as difficult as this can be. You don't have to punish or isolate yourself because things didn't go as planned, you're already one step ahead by posting here and seeking advice and a response so you can move on to better things. Please give yourself time, time to go over the responses here, time to be kind to yourself when considering calling a hotline or posting more, time to take new steps. The goal is to advance, not just do x thing at y date, and reaching out contributes to it as much as opening up or seeking different employment opportunities or moving out to a safer environment.

It will get better, not because we're just saying so, but because you're still here and can keep going. Please take care OP and I hope we'll hear from you soon.

 

[Overflow]

Hey OP, I understand that you don't wanna talk to a professional right now and that's okay -- but you should definitely talk to someone. This is a good start and it's great that you've recognised you need help, it's just about finding it. Please don't do anything rash, focus on your well-being by removing yourself from that house as much as possible for starters. That will take some anxiety away from you.

My six year relationship ended last year and I felt my lowest ever after that, of course. But now despite everything 2020 has thrown at us, I've found someone new and am using the lessons I learnt from my last relationship to feel happier. You will come out the other side of this having weathered the storm.

 

[Deleted member 511]

I feel for you OP and while our experiences aren't exactly the same, I know what it's like to live with a highly abusive parent; where you feel as if you have to walk on eggshells and are scared that anything said the wrong way can get you yelled at our worse. My life isn't perfect nor am exactly where I want to be - I'm unemployed after just graduation - but I can say my life is better than where it was before. I was suicidal then and there are been times where I have been afterward once I was out of that environment but if I had made that final decision I wouldn't be able to be here and talk to you. I don't have all the answers or any perfect thing to say but I do know that life always finds a way to get better and improve even if feels like everything is against you. Death isn't the answer; it just offers finality. You will find a job OP. You will date again. You will move out of your toxic parent's house. You will live, thrive, and find happiness. I believe that for you OP.

 

[Wandering Robot]

Even though it's getting late where I am, OP, I want to reiterate that people care. I'm one of them. If you don't have anyone else to talk to, talk here in this thread. We want to hear from you. 💜

 

[Deleted member 543]

Lots of people have been where you are and have gotten to a much better place. One day you will look back and be unable to comprehend how you were ever so low.

Firstly, do not denigrate your English degree. My first degree was in Computer Science and I found it hard to get work in the field. I took a second degree in English and it opened a lot more opportunities for me. That's probably the opposite of what most would expect, but sometimes the market just isn't right for your skillset at a given time.

Secondly, the job market is oblique and rejection there is not a reflection on you. A lot of the jobs you apply for do not actually exist - often being already taken by other people. Often job descriptions are a negotiation between the department and HR, but when it comes to shortlisting and hiring final decision is on the department. This often leads to rejections that just do not make sense, where you have all the requirements but don't even get an interview. You have to keep plugging away and not taking it personal when you are rejected, which I know is tough.

Finally, the sad truth is that as humans we make our own luck. You could be the most lovable person in the world, but if you don't love yourself then a lot of people will pick up on that. If you think nobody will hire you, then nobody will, etc. The first step is to cultivate the part of you that loves yourself enough to make this thread in the first place. Then take the first step to where you want to be. Tell yourself you will get there with time. Do not let setbacks stop you - everyone faces them. Life will not change overnight but it will get better with time.

 

[Antrax]

The last few months feel like I've been lobotomised. I'm rarely happy, or even sad. I just feel numb

Click to shrink...

100%, you need to do what you can to hit up a doctor and work out some meds. As my old psych colleague said, "better livin' through modern chemistry." It can literally be night and day, and your doc may not get it right on the first try. Keep at it. This numb feeling is depression, clinical depression. I've known people who had to try a few different combinations of meds to get it fixed, and damned if they're not completely different now that they got help.

Also, fuck this parent you're living with. It's daunting and can be paralyzing, so don't put all your mental effort towards it, but keep an eye out for anything you can do to leave. A friend's place, roommate postings, etc... COVID times is making rent so fucking cheap because so many people can't pay that the landlords are negotiating extremely low rent. Like, I think the stat in the US is that rent being paid is like 50% of what it was pre-COVID. I know people in my city telling their landlords that they'll bail on their lease and go sign somewhere else because even losing the deposit still saves them money. So their landlords are forced to offer them huge rent reductions just to avoid vacant buildings. You might be able to find a place with some folks looking for roommates that you can afford with a lower job.

Definitely don't turn those down either. When I moved across the US, I went from a mathematician to a movie theater employee because I did not want to miss a paycheck (even though it was obviously much lower). I eventually found a great gig, after like 170 applications (and that's just my LinkedIn count lol). It'll happen for you. But I recommend getting some kind of income, getting in touch with a doc to work on potential medication solutions, and keep an eye out for cheap places to live.

On a personal note, my dad was a huge piece of shit his whole life. His own mother loathes him. When I turned 18, I got out and to this day (10+ years later), I haven't interacted with him since. He doesn't have my number or address, and I don't have his number (I assume he still lives in the paid off house because he never could hold a job with his hostile demeanor). It's hard to go it on your own, no doubt. But I'd be lying if I didn't tell you that first night on my own was liberating.

 

[MegaSackman]

Considering you've no money and seems to consider extremes why not trying a long journey? It can be soulsearching, rough and dangerous but it could be an incredible experience that might help you.

Maybe go all the way down to South America, as far as you can. Work at hostels for food, couchsurfing and stuff.

I don't know if it's a good idea because I really don't know the type of emotional struggle you're having but traveling always work for me when I want to get out of my regular life.

 

[AllMight1]

Hey OP, ever need a friend or justt someone to talk to, reach me on pm, i know about super tough break ups and losing your identity/motivation. Or if you just want to talk about different life topics im game too! Or simply games! I play a ton of games honestly.

 

[Deleted member 19742]

Please don't kill yourself. I've had suicidal feelings in the past myself, and I can promise you it does get better. I know it isn't much, but I will honest to God pray (and I'm not really a religious person) that you are able to find a future free of your terrible parent. I've lived with a bad stepparent before and while I didn't suffer too much physical abuse, the emotional abuse was something awful. I really believe you can find a future without them, and I really believe there are people out there you will meet who can help you. You may not have found them yet, but that doesn't mean you won't!

I'm sorry I can't offer anything more than what I've already said, but I beg you not to take your life. You still have better times ahead of you. Trust me.

 

[Jaypah]

Hey SanTheSly I know it's rough for you. I've been in a position where I've felt worthless but I wasn't and you aren't either. I'm not sure how I even felt that way but I'm glad that I'm here to look back on it and know that I was wrong. Keep going. You can get away from this feeling. I understand your current position isn't ideal and you're not getting the opportunities that would make it easier to forge past it but it definitely can happen. The world is huge and if you can hang on and get away from your little part of it you have a way bigger part to find joy in. My DM is always open and if you need to talk I'll definitely call you up and chat, just toss me your number. A good chat can ease anxiety so if you ever need to vent or need a shoulder I'm a few button presses away 💜

 

[Trilobite]

I am very sorry that you have found yourself feeling this way.
I have been in a similar situation although every situation is different so I do not presume to "know" how you feel.

what you are going through sucks, especially losing your partner combined with being out of work. It is a bad situation now, but that does not dictate what is in your future.

It takes time to get over someone. There is no way to rush it.
As for finding work, keep applying regardless of what type of work it is. Remember that work does not define your worth as a person.

As for your home situation I just want to say that I am sorry that your parent is not supportive, that really is not on you and parents should always be there and support their child, regardless of age.

I don't know what I wanted to say with this post exactly, I guess I wanted to let you know, as many others have, that you are not alone.
For most of my adult life I have suffered from anxiety, which has been exasperated by family members falling seriously ill and dying, to my ex wife leaving me during that time.

the only thing that got me through it was to focus on something and hold on to it, for that was working (in retail and then finishing my degree).

Today life is much better for me, but it took time.
I hope that you will realize in time that you are not as bad as you think. You are not pathetic, and you are not perfect and that is perfectly alright.

Your partner leaving you might, in time, feel different than it does now. For me, I realized that I also played a part in why my relationship did not work out back then and I learned to accept that it was not meant to be.

I still struggle with a lot of things but it is a lot better now.
Hang in there! You are worth it, just look at the outpouring of support.

Never feel ashamed for reaching out for help. I think that you could really benefit to contact a professional, they will not judge you.

Take care and take your time.

I will be thinking about this thread, I will check back here when you respond.

 

[The Curry Witch]

Stay with us OP!

You've never put your degree to use but you have one.
You don't get a job unless one of your friends helps you but that has happened in the past and you have friends.
You are at a dead end in your late 20s, but you are still so very young.
You feel bad about your partner leaving you, but you were able to maintain a relationship for more than 7 years.
You've managed to do that even with an abusive parent.

You feel like you are in a burning building? Suicide is not the your perfectly available fire escape. You use the actual fire escape to escape the fire.

You are in a shitty position, no doubt. But you can and will persevere! Me and many have been at low points and we've all had those thoughts. Heartbroken with no perspective. Try to dig deep and put those ressources to use. And leave those behind that hurt you, not the whole world!

 

[SanTheSly]

Sorry for making everyone worry.

After my post I snuck out of the house around 4am and walked to the nearest bridge/overpass. I couldn't do it. Weirdly a friend messaged me out of the blue around the same time, completely unrelated to how I was feeling, because they were also going through a rough patch and wanted someone to talk to.

I think that helped a lot. I wanted to be there for them.

I walked home and crept back into bed, I've basically only just woken up and I feel like shit.

I'm going to try and take time to process everything that's been said in this thread and appreciate anyone that's tried to reach out and talk, I might take some of you up on it.

Still feeling horrendously low though.

 

[Trilobite]

Sorry for making everyone worry.

After my post I snuck out of the house around 4am and walked to the nearest bridge/overpass. I couldn't do it. Weirdly a friend messaged me out of the blue around the same time, completely unrelated to how I was feeling because they were also going through a rough patch and wanted someone to talk to.

I think that helped a lot. I wanted to be there for them.

I walked home and crept back into bed, I've basically only just woken up and I feel like shit.

I'm going to try and take time to process everything that's been said in this thread and appreciate anyone that's tried to reach out and talk, I might take some of you up on it.

Still feeling horrendously low though.

Click to shrink...

Hey! It is good to hear from you again :).
I am glad you had a friend to talk to.
A lot of people in this thread has expressed themselves better than me, there are some really good tips here.

Give it some more time, like you said it helped to talk to your friend who is having a tough time.

I hope you feel better soon.

 

[Omeganex9999]

I'm happy to hear you're still with us OP. I have felt hopeless in the past, many times. Experience taught me that things are always much darker in our heads and that reaching out helps. Next time you feel like that, talk to a friend. And if you don't have friends to talk to, get online and talk to strangers. It will help and you'll feel better.

In your late 20 you are absolutely justified in not having any particular skill. I found my "way" at 29. Before that I remember being constantly unhappy, feeling like there was nothing out there for me. The truth is, I simply didn't know what was out there and what was around me was making everything worse.

I don't know if this can be helpful, but I got into software development studying mainly by myself with free online resources. If you're interested, I am happy to share more info and help you get into that. If you're not into software development, there are many things you can currently learn with minimum investment. All it takes is some time and effort.

It's absolutely not too late for you to do something with your life.

 

[JayVegas702]

Sounds like we need to get you in a better living environment first without that toxic parenting shit going on. I've been in that situation in the past and best thing for me was moving out. Don't worry about getting a job using your degree right now. Don't worry about your Ex. Just get a job that pays decently where you can move out and if costs an issue maybe become roommates with a friend or two. Also don't worry about using your degree right now to become successful in your career. Let's get you in a better state of mind and all rest will come later. Do you right now and don't worry about anybody else, fuck them! Some people in your life may not like that and call you selfish but that's ok. Those people you need to immediately stop talking to and cut from your life.

 

[Efejota]

I was surprised to see that you'd put so much of your value as a person into the act of finding a job until I saw the eviction problem. Of course that's going to distort your views a bit. Please seek to be well first and foremost since you wouldn't want to put yourself under even more pressure. Maybe a change of pace and ambiance could help you reflect, so try to get out of there for a while, jobless or not.

And while I don't really know you, keeping a relationship for so long is still a good feat. Both people and their needs can change over time, and the people we relate to/with change in the same way. So now you should focus on your own needs to get to be stable mentally. I'm hoping you'll be able to move on.

For the record, I'm in that spot of not valuing my degree that much because job offers on my field don't really ask for it, but I still try regularly to value my journey until now in a positive light. I know I'd be in a much direr spot if I suddenly were 20 year old me again in my current situation.

Edit: Just read about your friend. I'm glad you were there for them as well.

 

[Deleted member 37928]

You are fighting a strong chemical imbalance in your brain. It's a very tough fight but ultimately a winnable one. Realizing this is key to starting to progress in the right direction. It does not seem this way at all of course when you are right there in the middle of the inferno. Every small thing is painful and you have no idea why you suffer so endlessly without any clear goal or motivation in sight. I've been in your exact situation and I turned it all around, because I conquered this whole thought process and waited it out. Your body is not built to withstand suffering over long periods of time, whether it's physical or psychological, and it will eventually start to wrestle it. It's VERY important that you seek guidance through this process because you cannot do it by yourself. You have to realize that you're not seeing things clearly and you need help building up your integrity so that you can start to get back into a more balanced state. It will take time, it will hurt, it will seem pointless but you will thank yourself in the end for sticking around and winning against it. If I can do it then surely you can!

 

[Haribo]

The user who posted that nonsense is banned; lets stop bringing attention to their crappy post and work on making the OP feel loved. They need us.

Click to shrink...

The only time we show each other love is in suicide threads. Look at all the ban fishing and vitriol happening outside this thread. The culture of this forum is starting to show itself. Peiple in here not reading the op, recommending hotlines. Trying to contact the authorities so his parents will yell at him. Is this really what it comes down to? I'm just asking

 

[Ryu]

The idea that anyone would put their kids education in my hands is too terrifying to even think about.

Click to shrink...

Uff that's harsh but on the same time good that you can say this. There are enough bad, really really bad teachers out there. As a primary school teacher myself, you should really REALLY love what you do. I love my job and it was not a "well, let's see" decision.
Does not mean that this can't change! You could still try it out!
Good luck to you though and I hope you find something! :)


Edit: also, consider reading this please:

A Lesson from 29 Golden Gate Suicide Attempts

Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

medium.com

 

[SanTheSly]

The user who posted that nonsense is banned; lets stop bringing attention to their crappy post and work on making the OP feel loved. They need us.

Click to shrink...

Part of me is wondering if they're right though. I always look for the negatives or reasons why I can't do something. I push people away who are only trying to help and I basically just want someone to get me out of my own misery for me.

I know it's symptomatic of deep depression and anxiety to act this way, but with the world the way it is I can't seem to get the help to get out of that rut.

I think interpersonal contact is so important for therapy and might explain why my over-the-phone attempts at cognitive behavioural therapy over the phone with the NHS have gone so, so poorly.

On reflection I think of course they were being inflammatory but I do think in their way they were trying to help. Tough love approach has never worked on me though. And as much as I'm now trying to reasonably reflect on their post, it was an instigator that caused me to walk out to the bridge earlier.

Uff that's harsh but on the same time good that you can say this. There are enough bad, really really bad teachers out there. As a primary school teacher myself, you should really REALLY love what you do. I love my job and it was not a "well, let's see" decision.

Click to shrink...

And yeah, I was overly dismissive in a bad headspace earlier, but this is how I feel. I never intended to go into teaching, and I'm not going to rush into what is a serious career choice when I know it's not the path I want to take. It's a lot of pressure, and the friends I've known who have rushed into teaching all regretted it. Even the ones that actively wanted to teach and stuck with it have a love-hate relationship with it, and the way the UK government handles teaching/schooling means it's not likely something I'm going to willingly subject myself to.