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I’m giving up on my dream of ever having kids
- Thread starter Raccoon
- Start date
OP
OP
Hey, thank you so much for the consideration. I'm very grateful to be able to serve my remaining tenure as an OP for NintendoEra; it was about to get a bit messy having the OP be banned. After that thread is complete, I'll leave the site voluntarily out of respect for the rules of the site.
Thank you again for giving me the opportunity to finish what I started. I promise you won't have to hear from me again.
Thank you again for giving me the opportunity to finish what I started. I promise you won't have to hear from me again.
Raccoon, self doubt is a real hurdle that i feel like everyone faces to some degree, and not everyone can get over it easily, nor is it always gone in their lives, but it's something that can be conquered or at least mitigated
and doing so give you both perspective and an easier state of mind, which is extremely valuable as you get older
looking beyond 'looks' becomes more and more appreciated, both in finding friends, or just finding people you can talk and relate to, let alone get in a relationship with
and doing so give you both perspective and an easier state of mind, which is extremely valuable as you get older
looking beyond 'looks' becomes more and more appreciated, both in finding friends, or just finding people you can talk and relate to, let alone get in a relationship with
i recommend sleeping on that decision for now, or at the very least recommend taking a break instead
I've stepped away from Era before out of my own self interest and requested a temporary ban
I will say, I can't say I completely trust your appraisal of your appearance.
Back when I hit such a point of insecurity, I too obsessed over the symmetry of my face. I had noticed that the lower half of my face is at a slight angle to my top half. I saw that my nose felt crooked. One eyebrow was higher than the other. My hair was fuck awful and I didn't know how to fix it (lol, now like you I don't have hair). My face looked patchy and red. All I could see was ogreish flaws. Hell, at one point I obsessed over a lone pore that was slightly large.
Back then, I had became convinced that as I was on the autism spectrum, I HAD to be absolutely gorgeous or no girl could ever love me, as obviously people like me MUST have shitty personalities!
It was either Adonis or troll, no in between. I developed a severe obsession with my appearance, picking out every flaw and obsessing over it. I constantly sought out my reflection in public to examine myself. I sat in a corner at home, taking pictures of myself to examine myself. And eventually, I smashed my phone in a fit of rage because it couldn't make me look pretty enough.
As for my actual appearance, I look like this currently (image is courtesy of the thread I made earlier in the month about me going bald young, I'm 23 so you know)
Would this appearance warrant smashing my phone? I doubt it.
Eventually, I did come to terms with my appearance, and I have a more positive outlook now. However, I still grapple with insecurity plenty, I never did get a girl to date me.
My point is, it's probably not as bad as you think it is. Perhaps you aren't drop dead gorgeous like a model. Most people aren't. And that's ok.
Back when I hit such a point of insecurity, I too obsessed over the symmetry of my face. I had noticed that the lower half of my face is at a slight angle to my top half. I saw that my nose felt crooked. One eyebrow was higher than the other. My hair was fuck awful and I didn't know how to fix it (lol, now like you I don't have hair). My face looked patchy and red. All I could see was ogreish flaws. Hell, at one point I obsessed over a lone pore that was slightly large.
Back then, I had became convinced that as I was on the autism spectrum, I HAD to be absolutely gorgeous or no girl could ever love me, as obviously people like me MUST have shitty personalities!
It was either Adonis or troll, no in between. I developed a severe obsession with my appearance, picking out every flaw and obsessing over it. I constantly sought out my reflection in public to examine myself. I sat in a corner at home, taking pictures of myself to examine myself. And eventually, I smashed my phone in a fit of rage because it couldn't make me look pretty enough.
As for my actual appearance, I look like this currently (image is courtesy of the thread I made earlier in the month about me going bald young, I'm 23 so you know)
Would this appearance warrant smashing my phone? I doubt it.
Eventually, I did come to terms with my appearance, and I have a more positive outlook now. However, I still grapple with insecurity plenty, I never did get a girl to date me.
My point is, it's probably not as bad as you think it is. Perhaps you aren't drop dead gorgeous like a model. Most people aren't. And that's ok.
Ah, I genuinely wouldn't worry about it. Just continue being a good member of the forum and we'll call it even.
Anyway, lots of people in this thread have given great advice, and I hope that you feel better about yourself soon. Be kind to yourself and take care.
Physical attractiveness is a social burden you can shed.
Ask yourself this, do you really want a child with somebody who values looks above anything else? Do you value looks above everything else? The people who do are called vain. Chemistry works in mysterious ways, but ultimately having a successful partner with whom to have a child with doesn't boil down to 'oh your hot so lets bang until we get old lol'. It comes down to conjoining goals, spirit, and compatibility. Do you want to have a partner who values only looks so insists the child goes to child beauty pageants, raises them to only care about looks, and disconnect with the child if their looks doesn't meet their standards? Because in all honesty my friend, that is the vibe I get from you when you place so much value on attractiveness and then speak of children in the same sentence.
You need to consider how you want to raise the child, because there is a very good chance they wont even have your likes/dislikes.
But back onto topic, when you realise that being socially attractive is what vain people demand from other vain people in order to have sex, it doesn't matter all that much. Do you really care about their opinions? Do they really care about your opinions? How many people do you know right now that has a large effect on your life will absolutely be there 100% in 20-30 years time? Sweet Suzie from high school never paid attention to you, will you care when your 40? Time is a huge factor in deciding what's worth worrying about and what isn't.
Value yourself, your skills, your beliefs. There is only 1 of you. Don't waste time regretting being somebody you're not. Work on being you, focus on that.
Ask yourself this, do you really want a child with somebody who values looks above anything else? Do you value looks above everything else? The people who do are called vain. Chemistry works in mysterious ways, but ultimately having a successful partner with whom to have a child with doesn't boil down to 'oh your hot so lets bang until we get old lol'. It comes down to conjoining goals, spirit, and compatibility. Do you want to have a partner who values only looks so insists the child goes to child beauty pageants, raises them to only care about looks, and disconnect with the child if their looks doesn't meet their standards? Because in all honesty my friend, that is the vibe I get from you when you place so much value on attractiveness and then speak of children in the same sentence.
You need to consider how you want to raise the child, because there is a very good chance they wont even have your likes/dislikes.
But back onto topic, when you realise that being socially attractive is what vain people demand from other vain people in order to have sex, it doesn't matter all that much. Do you really care about their opinions? Do they really care about your opinions? How many people do you know right now that has a large effect on your life will absolutely be there 100% in 20-30 years time? Sweet Suzie from high school never paid attention to you, will you care when your 40? Time is a huge factor in deciding what's worth worrying about and what isn't.
Value yourself, your skills, your beliefs. There is only 1 of you. Don't waste time regretting being somebody you're not. Work on being you, focus on that.
Honestly, there has to be a touch of body dysmorphia here. Anyway, I like what homebrewer drinks, that there is some sound advice - listen to it. Live life for you, not some impossible ideal. We all end up old, wrinkly and balding with ears and noses that continue to.grow out of proportion throughout old age. Step away from the mirror, be you and live.
Well before you even think about having a child through procreation or otherwise, you need to focus on yourself. You've got a self image problem and from what I've read here I'm willing to bet it's severe enough to strain any relationship you find yourself in.
I was never contacted again, even after after going to their class and the home visit.
Doing research, if you are a single dude you gotta be like over 40 or more for them to take you seriously. The younger you are the more they think you might be a weirdo.
Woman don't have this stigma.
As a lurker I got to say that you are one of the most enjoyable posters on era. Would be a shame if you left and the NintendoEra would feel a lot emptier.
I had similar thoughts your age and all I can really say is please don't go down that road and give up on anything at your age. Having kids isn't something to be worrying about at this time anyway.
Focus on yourself and rest will eventually follow, don't expect relationships to fix your self image as that's a trap that's easy to fall into.
I'd be lying if I said this was easy as I still struggle with self loathing at times but I don't recognize my 19 year old self either.
This sounds cliche but that's been my experience.
Focus on yourself and rest will eventually follow, don't expect relationships to fix your self image as that's a trap that's easy to fall into.
I'd be lying if I said this was easy as I still struggle with self loathing at times but I don't recognize my 19 year old self either.
This sounds cliche but that's been my experience.
You should stay.
ResetEra is an experiment that only works if there is a real sense of community, something we have struggled with at times. People have to feel at home here, and safe here, and like members care about them. People come here to get away from an extremely hostile and unwelcoming internet. This place should be for people with no place else to go. That's why I am here. That's why a lot of people are here. Maybe that's not why you are here, but that's why you should stay.
This is somewhere that you felt comfortable enough to post repeatedly about your own insecurities. It would be a shame if you left that. All of our actions are behind us. It is always possible to move forward. You shouldn't deny yourself a safe place out of a sense of responsibility. As a community, our responsibility is to each other. Stay with people who know you.
There have been lots of times in my life online where I just wanted to talk about what I was feeling, or suffering through, or thinking about. I think that's normal for a lot of people here. Not every thread has to be news or entertainment. Sometimes we can be there for each other too. I know you're ready for this thread to die (and you can always request a closure, just report your OP), but whatever the result of it has been, it's no reason to leave.
I hope you feel better, bud.
Hey, you're probably not as ogreish looking as you're suggesting.
When I was about your age, I thought my nose was a disaster, that my elbows were alien looking, that I actually couldn't be thin due to my bone structure (fucken lol).
You likely also have not fully grown into your body.
Also, lets see if you want kids any way when you get past your mid 20s. Finding the right girl and having babies was one of my dreams from 16 - 20.
Been with my current partner now for 6 years (both 27 years old) and while at the beginning of our relationship, the idea of kids was exciting but then we got settled into our professional careers, investing and now the last thing on our mind is having kids.
Everyone of my friends and colleagues who have had kids in their 20s wish they could go back and hold out till at least 28+ so they could pursue their own interests and careers while they had that young energy.
When I was about your age, I thought my nose was a disaster, that my elbows were alien looking, that I actually couldn't be thin due to my bone structure (fucken lol).
You likely also have not fully grown into your body.
Also, lets see if you want kids any way when you get past your mid 20s. Finding the right girl and having babies was one of my dreams from 16 - 20.
Been with my current partner now for 6 years (both 27 years old) and while at the beginning of our relationship, the idea of kids was exciting but then we got settled into our professional careers, investing and now the last thing on our mind is having kids.
Everyone of my friends and colleagues who have had kids in their 20s wish they could go back and hold out till at least 28+ so they could pursue their own interests and careers while they had that young energy.
Even if it took you 20 years to find the right girl, you'd only be 39. You have so much time, you're life is only just beginning.
OP... there is so, so, so much life left for you to live and so, so much of it is about more than what you look like. Your looks will change as you age, and as you get more mature - believe it or not, there is quite a ways left to go - you're going to change your style to suit your looks in ways you can't picture right now. I've seen couples that physically seem mismatched initially, but they work - for the long term, including with the arrival of kids - because of connections that occur completely outside of that.
This might also speak to a larger issue with, as you note, self-loathing and potential depression and, as much as era can be helpful, might benefit from professional help.
Dude I'm 29 and I still have no kids (not that I'm planning), on this age most people have kids at their early or mid 30's due to careers, money, stuff that actually gets in the middle.
Go do the stuff you want to do now, worry about kids later, they should be last on the list you want to do.
Go do the stuff you want to do now, worry about kids later, they should be last on the list you want to do.
I used to feel the same way you do OP due to my height. I'm 5'3 and for the longest time I didn't want to have kids because I was afraid I would have a boy and he would suffer the same short fate as me. I got picked on a lot in school for being small and even as an adult I get people making shitty comments to me. Was even passed over for jobs because I was "too short." It sucks and I didn't want my kid to have to deal with the same nonsense.
You know what? Eff that noise. I ended up having kids anyway because I wanted to have kids. I ended up having a boy and he is very low on the height percentile just as I feared, but he's an awesome kid with a killer sense of humor. Why should I let the comments of shitty people in society rob me of being able to raise a son? Even being as small as I am (it sounds like you're probably taller than me too), I'm still a pretty successful person and who's to say my son won't achieve the same?
In conclusion, don't let those feelings bother you. If you want to have kids and have the experience of being a parent, don't let your self esteem get in the way. You have plenty of time man. I didn't have my first kid until I was 30 and my wife was 28.
You know what? Eff that noise. I ended up having kids anyway because I wanted to have kids. I ended up having a boy and he is very low on the height percentile just as I feared, but he's an awesome kid with a killer sense of humor. Why should I let the comments of shitty people in society rob me of being able to raise a son? Even being as small as I am (it sounds like you're probably taller than me too), I'm still a pretty successful person and who's to say my son won't achieve the same?
In conclusion, don't let those feelings bother you. If you want to have kids and have the experience of being a parent, don't let your self esteem get in the way. You have plenty of time man. I didn't have my first kid until I was 30 and my wife was 28.