-
Ever wanted an RSS feed of all your favorite gaming news sites? Go check out our new Gaming Headlines feed! Read more about it here.
-
We have made minor adjustments to how the search bar works on ResetEra. You can read about the changes here.
I’m as close as I’ve ever been to taking my own life.
- Thread starter Jombie
- Start date
Im not here to tell you all the cliches like it gets better or it won't solve your problems because I know that's not what you want to hear, because it wasnt what I wanted to hear either.
I was so tired of living a reality that had no feeling, of wanting to just sleep because at least in my dreams I felt something close to happiness. I was embarassed for my own thoughts and my shitty behavior that came out of that. I felt like there was no way out. But I gave life a chance because I realized that death only offered me one outcome in the sorrow I was feeling. It wouldnt be a relief from it, it would just be the conclusion.
So I'm just going to say, I've been exactly where you're at, and Im sure that plenty of people here are sitting and have sat right alongside you. Ive had every day for the past 8 months since my attempt to be grateful that I didnt do it. I hope you realize the same for yourself.
I cant begin to tell you how much I feel this.
I was so tired of living a reality that had no feeling, of wanting to just sleep because at least in my dreams I felt something close to happiness. I was embarassed for my own thoughts and my shitty behavior that came out of that. I felt like there was no way out. But I gave life a chance because I realized that death only offered me one outcome in the sorrow I was feeling. It wouldnt be a relief from it, it would just be the conclusion.
So I'm just going to say, I've been exactly where you're at, and Im sure that plenty of people here are sitting and have sat right alongside you. Ive had every day for the past 8 months since my attempt to be grateful that I didnt do it. I hope you realize the same for yourself.
While i can't totally relate to you since i haven't faced your circumstances nor do i know about them but what i can say is that right now irl iam feeling similar to you each day and thats mostly due to my own mistakes in life and the lies i've committed just to escape a difficult moment and they keep building up and further hurt my loved ones, which i regret but and i do occasionally think like 'what if i just ended my life right now? Would I be able to escape this pain that i feel every day in my heart?' and the answer is every time, NO. Why? Because I obviously have my parents that have done a lot for me and while i have disappointed them a lot, I still don't think that committing suicide will improve the situation but it will leave only pain and regrets in the hearts and minds of the people who care about you... also i try to find and have many things that STILL make me excited in life and for which i still can wait for. I never try to stay still but keep looking for more things to get excited about and lose myself in..ESCAPE from reality as they say while also eventually trying to force myself to move on in life because like it or not THATS THE ONLY WAY FORWARD..its a not convenient, preferable way to do things but its the only honest way i have.
Also I haven't tried it myself but these folks telling you to call the suicide helpline might be genuinely want to help you big time and not just putting out a cent of their worries and just telling the other person to seek help in any way because at this point there are not a lot of people that can help you except for YOU and the folks at national suicide helpline.
Also I haven't tried it myself but these folks telling you to call the suicide helpline might be genuinely want to help you big time and not just putting out a cent of their worries and just telling the other person to seek help in any way because at this point there are not a lot of people that can help you except for YOU and the folks at national suicide helpline.
Matt Haig on Twitter
“Stay alive for the people you will become. You are more than a bad day or year. You are a future of multifarious possibility. You are another self at a point in future time, looking back in gratitude that this lost and former you held on. You are not just THIS you. Stay.”
twitter.com
This is not true. There are still a million other options you haven't considered.
You've done the handful of things which immediately came to mind.
The solution is out there, ready to be grasped, but you simply haven't seen it yet.
I'm right there with you sometimes, OP. But surely there's something that will make waking up tomorrow worth it.
do you have a cat? A dog? If not I recommend getting one. My cat depending on me gives me a reason to keep pushing on the worst of days and I struggle with crippling depression coupled with bipolar disorder.
You're worth it OP.
do you have a cat? A dog? If not I recommend getting one. My cat depending on me gives me a reason to keep pushing on the worst of days and I struggle with crippling depression coupled with bipolar disorder.
You're worth it OP.
I can guarantee you that those people you are worried about hurting by living would be much more hurt by your absence.
Call the hotline OP, and hang in there. You have got this.
Call the hotline OP, and hang in there. You have got this.
Please don't OP. You're part of a community here and look at how much we care. Life is tough, no doubt, but life is also beautiful and precious, and so are you. We only get one shot at this, and times get really dire where you find yourself backed into a corner, but there's always a lifeline. Take care buddy.
I'm sorry op, that the brain can be such a tricky thing. You're doing great, really! Every step you've made toward improvement has gotten you further than you recognize right now, but I promise you've made progress. Sometimes we have to try a few solutions out to know they aren't the right ones for us, but that just means we're closer to trying the ones that are.
And, sometimes trying an old solution again is actually the best option. Occasionally the stars line up in such a way that a good choice didn't pan out . . . but that doesn't mean that was the only time you could make that good choice!
Keep trying, keep working. You'll figure out a path forward that will make you glad you kept going.
And, sometimes trying an old solution again is actually the best option. Occasionally the stars line up in such a way that a good choice didn't pan out . . . but that doesn't mean that was the only time you could make that good choice!
Keep trying, keep working. You'll figure out a path forward that will make you glad you kept going.
Sleepless nights are the worst, but I can promise you that we do find a place where we belong in this world — and it might take a while, but I guarantee you'll be able to think back on this day and you will be glad you decided to stay with us.
Stay strong buddy, staying here is the hardest choice we have to make but it's also the best one.
Stay strong buddy, staying here is the hardest choice we have to make but it's also the best one.
I suggest that you call 911 (or your country's equivalent) now if you are still having active suicidal thoughts with a clear plan. If you don't think you are in immediate danger then I suggest that you call your doctor first thing tomorrow morning for an urgent appointment. When there ask about either (1) genetic testing to determine which medications are most likely to be effective for you or (2) starting electroconvulsive therapy (ECT). This shock therapy has a lot of stigma and misinformation attached so few people actually ever use it, but is has been shown to be effective for many people. The following is a copy-paste from the ECT page on uptodate. Your doctor likely has a subscription to this site or a similar service and can read about this him/herself if needed.
I can't say I know what you are going through, but I can say that I have seen a lot of people with life-threatening depression and I know it's not easy. Good luck.
I can't say I know what you are going through, but I can say that I have seen a lot of people with life-threatening depression and I know it's not easy. Good luck.
uptodate.com said:
Have you told anyone outside of Era how you are feeling OP? A parent, sibling, or a close friend? Please don't keep it bottled up to yourself as it only makes things worse.
If not, please talk to us at least and call the hotline. I know it's hard to believe a bunch of random people on the internet care but we do.
If not, please talk to us at least and call the hotline. I know it's hard to believe a bunch of random people on the internet care but we do.
Please don't go through with it OP. Have you been in therapy lately? Do you have someone to talk to? Maybe a different combo of talking & meds could work better for you?
Please explore those options before doing something irreversible.
I love you ❤️
Please explore those options before doing something irreversible.
I love you ❤️
Call the hotline. Talk. That's the most important thing. Talk to someone. And just know that it can get better. I've been there before. My life is a million times better now. If I told myself then what my life is like now I wouldn't have believed myself. Also know that ERA cares about you. I care about you. Even though I've never met you and we many never meet each other, I want you to know that I love you. Good luck. We're rooting for you.
Last edited:
OP
OP
After having panic attack and crying myself into a sickening migraine, I called a friend and she came and talked to me. She made me promise I wouldn't hurt myself, so I'll make it through the night.
It doesn't help that I've had five hours of sleep since Friday. My headache precludes me from reading all the replies, but I appreciate them and take them to heart. I'm supposed to call my doctor's nurse tomorrow, so needless to say, I'm going to be very honest and we'll see what happens from there.
I'm sorry for any unnecessary drama. My feelings have been bottled up for months.
It doesn't help that I've had five hours of sleep since Friday. My headache precludes me from reading all the replies, but I appreciate them and take them to heart. I'm supposed to call my doctor's nurse tomorrow, so needless to say, I'm going to be very honest and we'll see what happens from there.
I'm sorry for any unnecessary drama. My feelings have been bottled up for months.
There is absolutely no need to apologize dude. I'm just happy to see you respond and do something, anything. Thank you for responding and take your time reading all these wonderful people reaching out to you. It makes me teary seeing it too, you know. Keep fighting.
OP
OP
You have absolutely nothing to apologize for OP. You did the right thing by reaching out to someone and to the great folks here on Era.
Stay strong OP. We are here for you >:D
The worst thoughts always come when you're sleep-deprived -- try not to pay attention to those thoughts, I couldn't sleep for 9 years and my lowest point always were at the same time you're in now.
It's a long fight, but in the end you'll get through!
Glad to hear you're ok, don't give up and never hesitate to reach out when you're feeling down!
It's a long fight, but in the end you'll get through!
Glad to hear you're ok, don't give up and never hesitate to reach out when you're feeling down!
Life gets better, keep your head up
A permanent solution to a temporary problem doesn't solve anything.
A permanent solution to a temporary problem doesn't solve anything.
Tonight will be your toughest night yet, my friend, and if you can make it through tonight then you can make it through any other night too. We're all here willing you on! You've fucking got this brother :) It sounds like you need a good solid rest, the sleep deprivation will be wreaking havoc on your emotions too. I'm proud of you for reaching out here and to your friend, that takes real strength! Use that same strength to get yourself through this and lean on as many people as you can, we're all here for YOU!
OP
OP
OP a small suggestion, talk to your doctor about the use of therapy animals. If possible and you like dogs and cats see if you can volunteer to help at a shelter. The animals will be happy to see you and having a active role can help combat some of tthese depressed feelings.
Keep fighting. You have people that clearly care about you.
Keep fighting. You have people that clearly care about you.
Jombie, I don't know if this will help, but it helps me so let me give it a shot. I know things must seem insurmountable right now, that's a part of being depressed is feeling like that. But if you can, please consider that a month from now, a year from now, five years from now you could be in a way better place than you are now! It's crazy how life can turn around quickly. You still have so much time and nobody knows what tomorrow will bring. Something could happen to you a month from now that could change your life for the better that you never saw coming. Your brain is going to tell you that's a bunch of bullshit, I get it, but it's not.
I hope you get the help you need, Jombie. We all have dark days and bad times. You're not alone in that for sure. Just talk with someone about it, and I guarantee it'll help. I'm always around if you need someone. I think all of us are. You're not alone :)
There's nothing more important than how you feel. I promise you, on all of creation itself, that there exists not only a way to manage how you feel, but to find peace with it.
If what you're currently doing isn't working, sometimes seeking new answers from sources you normally wouldn't can be life changing.
I've been in your shoes before.
If what you're currently doing isn't working, sometimes seeking new answers from sources you normally wouldn't can be life changing.
I've been in your shoes before.
Glad you got to talk to a friend, but please OP, call the hotline posted by others.
Please.
Call the hotline.
Call the hotline.
Call the hotline.
Call the hotline.
Call the hotline.
I am sure you feel like what can a hotline possibly do for you. Just remember it exists for the sole purpose of helping you figure that out.
Just the fact it exists should also tell you that you are not alone in feeling the way you do.
There is someone who cares on the other end of the phone if you just make that call.
Please.
Call the hotline.
Please.
Call the hotline.
Call the hotline.
Call the hotline.
Call the hotline.
Call the hotline.
I am sure you feel like what can a hotline possibly do for you. Just remember it exists for the sole purpose of helping you figure that out.
Just the fact it exists should also tell you that you are not alone in feeling the way you do.
There is someone who cares on the other end of the phone if you just make that call.
Please.
Call the hotline.
It always sucks that there's so many people who feel this way, but just doing some quick numbers: About 10 million people consider ending their life every year in the US, or 3% of the population. It's a lot, far too many unfortunately.
Let's say there is a thread like this once every 2 days, which I think is probably near the mark or maybe a little generous. Era has been around for I believe 3 years. That would be 547 threads. There have been 167,377 threads, so threads about self-harm thoughts would represent 0.3% of all threads.
Going further, there are 49.331 members, if each thread was posted by a different person, it would represent 1% of total membership, which would be less than the reported percentage of the population who struggles with these thoughts (in the US, of course not every member is from the US here but I believe most are), meaning there may be many more people who feel this way who don't make threads.
So while I would agree I've seen many of these threads (and I'm really glad people are reaching out for help from a community they trust as opposed to just internalizing it and that there are so many who want to help), I don't think Era is necessarily any huge outlier. If it is, I would guess it's due to a variety of factors, one being the founding principles of the site about empathy and respect for people, a generally leftward mindset that places value in discussing things, people feeling welcomed enough to make the threads knowing there will be people who will hear them out and want to help because they care. There are a lot of marginalized people here who don't have a lot of spaces to feel welcome on the internet, and even though it's not perfect I think Era is generally viewed as better than most.
You have nothing to be sorry for Jombie. You're not alone and you don't have to carry it all on your shoulders never getting a break.
Reaching out for help when you are literally at Rock Bottom and are actively considering the one true finality, is not what anyone I think here would deem " Unnecessary drama. "
As someone who has literally made attempts on their own life multiple, multiple times, I am glad you reached out and asked for help and got it. I am glad that a friend answered your call and came and spoke with you. I am also extremely glad that you reached out here in your time of need and help, and listened to others.
Know this. You matter in this world. The fact that you reached out to a friend and that they came over should speak volumes to the truth that you matter. That you are needed to stay around.
I hope things get better for you. And please, do not give up. Claw at life, hold onto it, cling to it for all it is worth, no matter how painful it is, and how lost and forgotten and hopeless you feel. Hold onto and cling to your friends, be with them if you don't trust yourself. Cling to them and also call the hotline for suicide prevention as well if you reach the darkest point and no one is available. Hell, call it anyways.
Hang in there, and please, don't give up.
Guy, good always follows bad. Just like throughout your life there has been good and bad, there will be good again. All suicide does is makes sure that you wont see those good times, and your friends and family wont see you either.
You will get past this.
I can guarantee you one thing. You will die, we all will, so why not hang around for the longest time and ride out this crazy thing we call life and make the best time of it.
Speak to professionals, speak to anyone.
You will get past this.
I can guarantee you one thing. You will die, we all will, so why not hang around for the longest time and ride out this crazy thing we call life and make the best time of it.
Speak to professionals, speak to anyone.
I feel your pain. I basically feel at this point that if there were a button I could press to cease to exist, but nobody would be adversely affected by it, I'd press it.
So it seems I'm essentially staying alive for everyone else, but hey, there are some good moments here and there.
I know these aren't inspiring thoughts, but just letting you know that others are going through the same thing.
Let's just fucking PUSH.
So it seems I'm essentially staying alive for everyone else, but hey, there are some good moments here and there.
I know these aren't inspiring thoughts, but just letting you know that others are going through the same thing.
Let's just fucking PUSH.
Sleep is always a good idea, and checking out the eye bleach reddit.
I hate that you are going through this. I don't have the answers - I still struggle with my depression/anxiety, i sometimes hate myself for how irritable i can be and how worked up i can get about small, insignificant things. I do not have the answers - and i also know that everyone's struggle is different, so i cannot say i know what you are going through specifically - but just know you are not alone in your struggle with depression and anxiety, OP. I do not want you to kill yourself or harm yourself. Please heed the advice of everyone posting here and call the suicide hotline. Best wishes.
Matt Haig on Twitter
“Stay alive for the people you will become. You are more than a bad day or year. You are a future of multifarious possibility. You are another self at a point in future time, looking back in gratitude that this lost and former you held on. You are not just THIS you. Stay.”
good lord that is just beautiful. thank you for posting that. i need to read that as well.
OP, sounds like the thing you need more than all is sleep. Focus on that first, and you can gather all your thoughts properly tomorrow.
Don't let this beat you OP. Many of us have been there, and found the strength to push through and survive. I was very much in your shoes, ready to kill myself Christmas of 2013. But I chose not to and decided that I was too stubborn to let depression get the best of me. I got help, worked on myself a lot, and 7 years later I'm happier than I've ever been with a wife and a kid. You can beat this OP, I know you can.