I’m as close as I’ve ever been to taking my own life.

[Jombie]

I hate to post this and I'm not usually the type to do so, but I'm at a loss.

I've dealt with crippling depression and anxiety since childhood, and it's gotten progressively worse since I've gotten older. I went back on meds, and the same thing is happening now what usually happens — I'll deal with horrible side effects for 2-3 weeks, I'll have a decent week and then take a turn for the worst. I've tried really hard and have done everything, in my power, to do things the right way and I get nowhere.

I thought this morning about going out and buying supplies to hang myself. I don't want to live anymore, it's like a nightmare I can't wake up from and one I can't even escape in my sleep — when I can sleep. I'm at my wits end, and I don't the the fight to keep on trying different medications and dealing with the side effects to end up with the same result.

I'm very upset and frustrated, and I don't want to deal with this shit anymore. I've had enough.

 

[Dullahan]

Stay here right now and talk to us. You can get through this.

 

[Apple]

Please call the national suicide prevention lifeline: 1-800-273-8255

 

[Doober]

I don't know what to say other than the obvious, "call the hotline" routine, but it's getting really disturbing how common these types of threads have become.

 

[TJG662]

1 (800) 273-8255. Give them a call. It's never to late to get help and life can always get better. You just got to keep being strong like you have your whole life.

 

[Deleted member 18944]

No one on Era is going to be qualified to help you through this horrible state of life that you are in.

Please call. Please don't go down that path.

1-800-273-8255

988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline

suicidepreventionlifeline.org

 

[Gunny T Highway]

Please call the suicide hotline that those have posted and talk with someone. Taking your life is not worth it.

 

[Sanjuro]

It's just a show. You should really just relax. ✊

 

[Travo]

Do do it OP. Please call the numbers posted above.

 

[Jombie]

I don't know what to say other than the obvious, "call the hotline" routine, but it's getting really disturbing how common these types of threads have become.

Click to shrink...

It's embarrassing to me, and it's so trite but here I am. I'm just a zombie that hurts people with my bullshit, and I just want it to stop.

 

[Tiger Priest]

It's not worth it. Life can get so much better than you can possibly imagine, even if it feels like all hope is lost and everything will suck forever.

Please call and try to get help.

 

[MidweekCoyote]

Go to the links and call the numbers. We wish you everything in life, but we are unqualified to help you.

 

[Travo]

It's embarrassing to me, and it's so trite but here I am. I'm just a zombie that hurts people with my bullshit, and I just want it to stop.

Click to shrink...

Ending your life will only hurt others. Please call.

 

[Deleted member 543]

Don't do anything rash. The way you're feeling is likely to do with your medication.

Something they don't tell you about the meds is that they often make you worse before you get better. People notably sink into suicidal ideation a few weeks in. The way you're feeling right now is simply an unwanted side effect. It will probably go away with time, when the medication settles and begins to do what it's meant to.

Please call someone and speak to your doctor as soon as possible.

Take care. Nobody wants you to die. The fact you made this thread is because deep down you don't want to die. Things do get better.

 

[Deleted member 18944]

It's embarrassing to me, and it's so trite but here I am. I'm just a zombie that hurts people with my bullshit, and I just want it to stop.

Click to shrink...

I'm very serious when I say calling that hotline will help you much more than we can, OP. I've had to call that hotline before too. They know how to help you. They have those resources.

 

[Mars People]

I'm kinda right there with you, I've been dealing with chronic, painful illness for what seems like eternity. No medicine works, no help from doctors, so depressed, so miserable.
I dread waking up every day.

 

[MidweekCoyote]

I'm very serious when I say calling that hotline will help you much more than we can, OP. I've had to call that hotline before too. They know how to help you. They have those resources.

Click to shrink...

This. Before posting or doing anything else, call them. Now.

 

[Doober]

It's embarrassing to me, and it's so trite but here I am. I'm just a zombie that hurts people with my bullshit, and I just want it to stop.

Click to shrink...

Well you'll probably hurt them infinitely more by killing yourself. No one is ever relieved when someone they know commits suicide.

 

[Sanjuro]

It's embarrassing to me, and it's so trite but here I am. I'm just a zombie that hurts people with my bullshit, and I just want it to stop.

Click to shrink...

I feel like everything can feel embarrassing sometimes. Especially when/if you try and self medicate or isolate yourself. Most people think you're probably fine.

 

[Treestump]

It's embarrassing to me, and it's so trite but here I am. I'm just a zombie that hurts people with my bullshit, and I just want it to stop.

Click to shrink...

Taking your life will hurt people more than anything else you do. There is always a better way through your pain and there are always people there for you, whether irl close by or on here. Please, please don't do this.

 

[Jombie]

I don't even feel like talking about it anymore, I'm a broken record. I have things to live for, but it's just not enough anymore. I make everyone around me miserable, and I can't live with the guilt of that as well. I've become so incapacitated that I can barely work.

There's just not much else to say. I know no one is qualified to help, nor do I want attention. I'm just lost, and I don't think there's a way back.

 

[Sanjuro]

I don't even feel like talking about it anymore, I'm a broken record. I have things to live for, but it's just not enough anymore. I make everyone around me miserable, and I can't live with the guilt of that as well. I've become so incapacitated that I can barely work.

There's just not much else to say. I know no one is qualified to help, nor do I want attention. I'm just lost, and I don't think there's a way back.

Click to shrink...

It's not really about the attention. It's people that want to take you off the tracks for a moment and reassess what is important for you moving forward.

 

[Deleted member 18944]

I don't even feel like talking about it anymore, I'm a broken record. I have things to live for, but it's just not enough anymore. I make everyone around me miserable, and I can't live with the guilt of that as well. I've become so incapacitated that I can barely work.

There's just not much else to say. I know no one is qualified to help, nor do I want attention. I'm just lost, and I don't think there's a way back.

Click to shrink...

This is why you call the hotline, because they are qualified to help you, and they can provide you the resources to help you through this. Please mate. If anything, just try it. Try calling and see what happens with it. Please.

 

[TrueSloth]

I don't even feel like talking about it anymore, I'm a broken record. I have things to live for, but it's just not enough anymore. I make everyone around me miserable, and I can't live with the guilt of that as well. I've become so incapacitated that I can barely work.

There's just not much else to say. I know no one is qualified to help, nor do I want attention. I'm just lost, and I don't think there's a way back.

Click to shrink...

You wouldn't have made this thread if you didn't think there was hope in getting out of it. I see these threads as a cry for help regardless of how often OPs say they don't want attention. You do. You want help and you're showing it by telling us that you feel this way. It's hard to offer much help aside from our words. Sometimes that's enough, recognition is powerful. Sometimes it's not. If you still feel hopeless after making this thread, at least call the hotline. What do you have to lose at that point? It's not going to hurt you, it will only help.

 

[Treestump]

I don't even feel like talking about it anymore, I'm a broken record. I have things to live for, but it's just not enough anymore. I make everyone around me miserable, and I can't live with the guilt of that as well. I've become so incapacitated that I can barely work.

There's just not much else to say. I know no one is qualified to help, nor do I want attention. I'm just lost, and I don't think there's a way back.

Click to shrink...

I'm sure whoever you claim to make miserable is still glad to have you in their lives. One f my closest friends killed himself 6 years ago and I miss him every single day. I've broken down several times over the years because I didn't know what he was going through or that he needed help. He never talked about it. He was just gone one day and it has never stopped hurting.

No matter what you put people through, you being here is what matters and people are willing to listen and help. It isn't about attention. it's about caring for someone enough to help them. Please call that number.

 

[Turbowaffles]

How old are you, if I may ask?

The reason I ask is, is because I really have been there. Not just trying to bullshit you but I've felt the exact same way you have in the OP and went through the same scenario over and over again. That was years and years ago, and while you might not want to hear it right now, I'm living proof it does get better. You might think right now it doesn't, and no it's not perfect, but it WILL get better. You have to give it time and occupy yourself with something, anything that takes your mind off of it. Talk to a friend or family member, call a hotline, do what you have to do.

You have plenty of worth in this world whether you believe it or not. Don't throw that worth away.

 

[Yoshimitsu126]

Please call the hotline listed above. Don't give up ✊

 

[Mariolee]

Please don't do it OP. I'm sorry for whatever you're going through. What medications are you on?

 

[TrueSloth]

I'm sure whoever you claim to make miserable is still glad to have you in their lives. One f my closest friends killed himself 6 years ago and I miss him every single day. I've broken down several times over the years because I didn't know what he was going through or that he needed help. He never talked about it. He was just gone one day and it has never stopped hurting.

No matter what you put people through, you being here is what matters and people are willing to listen and help. It isn't about attention. it's about caring for someone enough to help them. Please call that number.

Click to shrink...

Even people you might have a passing relationship in your daily life will be affected. The UPS delivery man who I saw 3-4 days a week killed himself last year and I just feel sad every time I think about it. I didn't know him well, but he seemed like the coolest person and really added a feeling of community to the neighborhood.

 

[Teenage Fansub]

Forgive me for snooping, but you just posted about looking forward to Doom Eternal and the next Batman movie.
I know pieces of entertainment aren't the most meaningful things in the world, but for now you can cling on to the little things that keep you excited about sticking around, and figure out the deeper stuff in the meantime.

 

[stan_marsh]

I empathize with you.

meds don't work, CBT isn't doing shit.

 

[SABO.]

We need to get better at talking about these issues.

And by talking I dont mean writing it on a message board.

As others have said, call the suicide hotline OP. Talk it out. Read your post to them.

 

[Ultimate Bear Cub]

I know my words may not reach you, but we all clearly care. This too shall pass. Don't live just inside your own mind. Reach out and call that hotline. Take care of yourself. Your health is important. Care about that please.

 

[Deleted member 14518]

Ive just helped someone through a very long physical and mental illness. I feel you. they've been there and I was the one trying to help them stay positive and get through the sucidial stuff. They couldnt stick ADs due to side effects.

Eventually things changed the physical stuff healed a little and then they tried a Anti-Depressant they had tried before and this time it worked. Its still a long road to recovery but the last few months have been so much better than the past decade plus.

Stick in there. Keep trying new stuff and even some old stuff. Find good people that you trust to help. Dont give up on yourself.

 

[Deleted member 5028]

Hey. OP. You're in Alabama, tell us about that. The fact you wanted to put that into the void tells us you need people like us to listen because if you're on ERA we likely connect in some way.

life's hard and if we ask you to tell us about it it's because we care. If you don't want to call the number yet that's ok, talk with us and you can call them later.

tell us something about yourself you're proud of

 

[Lactose_Intolerant]

Posting on Era isn't the answer to your problems, get professional help

 

[Raccoon]

It's embarrassing to me, and it's so trite but here I am. I'm just a zombie that hurts people with my bullshit, and I just want it to stop.

Click to shrink...

I feel the same way about myself, but the most agonizing part is that no matter how much of a waste of life I feel I am, ending my life would still irrevocably hurt people like my immediate family and at least one friend. I recognize this ain't a positive take, but it's a real one: killing yourself would no doubt make things worse for people.

edit: I too want to hear about alabama from an era member's perspective

 

[stan_marsh]

Posting on Era isn't the answer to your problems, get professional help

Click to shrink...

I've tried therapists, CBT, meds...I think this world just isn't for me. suicide hotline is just straight garbage too

 

[Raccoon]

Forgive me for snooping, but you just posted about looking forward to Doom Eternal and the next Batman movie.
I know pieces of entertainment aren't the most meaningful things in the world, but for now you can cling on to the little things that keep you excited about sticking around, and figure out the deeper stuff in the meantime.

Click to shrink...

This isn't a bad point OP. Waiting on Animal Crossing has helped me somewhat

 

[Aurica]

It's just a show. You should really just relax. ✊

Click to shrink...

On this topic, OP, please check if MST3K live is coming to your area. I think it's important to have short term things to look forward to. I just saw it, and I was laughing all night. Really made me feel good.

Forgive me for snooping, but you just posted about looking forward to Doom Eternal and the next Batman movie.
I know pieces of entertainment aren't the most meaningful things in the world, but for now you can cling on to the little things that keep you excited about sticking around, and figure out the deeper stuff in the meantime.

Click to shrink...

We're on the same page. :) Honestly, at times that my depression was at an all time low, I'd think "Well, I gotta at least see how that ____ (game I'm excited for, comic, movie, etc) turns out. Then I'll see how I feel."

 

[Mizeris Lutz Ether Lanai]

For sure you need to try different meds. If you've always experienced anxiety & depression, you need to change your baseline neurotransmitter levels and that's that. Don't let anybody tell you anything else. This stuff has a neurochemical basis if you're predisposed, and changing that equation changes your outcome, full stop.

You can actually get a DNA depression/anxiety med profile done, there are plenty of labs online, expect to pay $200 or so, but it will more than pay for itself in turning your life around. That will tell you which meds you'll tolerate well, and which your body won't metabolize properly, or will do it too efficiently for it to really be effective. But generally speaking, sertraline and escitalopram (Zoloft & Lexapro) seem to be the most effect/best tolerated right now. Welbutrin can be good as well for motivation, or just being able to stand up to the world.

Also, remember above all else that depression is a damn dirty liar. It will tell you BS like you're worthless, or you have no hope, or nothing will get better, or it's too hard. Turn around & tell it to shut TF up. You know full well that all human life has value, you know you wouldn't wish death on an innocent person, which is how you know that the depression devil telling you you're some kind of exception to that is full of it. Some will tell you that you need to be gentle & accepting, but nah. If you're a gamer, a part of you is a fighter that keeps hitting continue despite that stupid boss who keeps cheesing you. Use that stubbornness & stand up for yourself against the part of you that's being a total dick to you.

 

[Obsonet]

I've tried therapists, CBT, meds...I think this world just isn't for me. suicide hotline is just straight garbage too

Click to shrink...

Yeah I feel the same, nothing seems to help.
But I just worry suicide won't end anything just make life harder for me, I think I'm just stuck and there's no way out.

 

[Deleted member 41520]

It's embarrassing to me, and it's so trite but here I am. I'm just a zombie that hurts people with my bullshit, and I just want it to stop.

Click to shrink...

Nothing embarrasing about it. Everyone has been down, FEW people have really been at rock bottom like you - but many of them have come out the other side, and looked back years later from a far better place.

Seriously nothing to be embarrassed about. I'm sure 99% of the forum totally empathise, even if many say and act otherwise.

None of us are laughing at you. We're all holding your hand with an arm firmly around your shoulder.

 

[Ultimate Bear Cub]

If you have a bucket list of fun things to do, maybe you can switch up your routine and try something new and exciting. And if you don't, then it's a good opportunity to brainstorm new fun ideas.

I'm not very knowledgeable when it comes to medical treatment, but at the recommendation of a friend I tried a ketamine infusion. I'm usually averse to meds, even though I'm aware of their efficacy. You may want to research that if possible.

Unfortunately I don't know you and therefore can't help you very well, but don't believe yourself when you think that you make people miserable. I have learned enough about people that I have no real idea how I affect them. Their inner world is just as complex. They likely just want to see you happy because that, ironically, makes them happy. We mirror each other that way.

I do my daily best to put the most positive vibes I can as part of my own therapy. This is part of how I cope too. So, please believe me when I say that you aren't alone and we want to help you. Chances are we are searching for the same thing. My best wishes for your fight.

 

[Raccoon]

Yeah I feel the same, nothing seems to help.
But I just worry suicide won't end anything just make life harder for me, I think I'm just stuck and there's no way out.

Click to shrink...

Usually recognizing NintendoEra elsewhere in the forum is fun. I'm sorry man, and I feel you.

 

[Nothing Loud]

I hate to post this and I'm not usually the type to do so, but I'm at a loss.

I've dealt with crippling depression and anxiety since childhood, and it's gotten progressively worse since I've gotten older. I went back on meds, and the same thing is happening now what usually happens — I'll deal with horrible side effects for 2-3 weeks, I'll have a decent week and then take a turn for the worst. I've tried really hard and have done everything, in my power, to do things the right way and I get nowhere.

I thought this morning about going out and buying supplies to hang myself. I don't want to live anymore, it's like a nightmare I can't wake up from and one I can't even escape in my sleep — when I can sleep. I'm at my wits end, and I don't the the fight to keep on trying different medications and dealing with the side effects to end up with the same result.

I'm very upset and frustrated, and I don't want to deal with this shit anymore. I've had enough.

Click to shrink...

What do you mean you don't have the fight to keep trying meds? Your other option is to do nothing and that won't help you feel better either, so you have nothing to lose. I'm on FIVE meds for anxiety, depression, and PTSD and it took me two YEARS of trying meds in different doses and combinations to find something where I'm finally happy each day. I could have given up and killed myself at any point, but then I never would have had the chance to be happy ever again. You have nothing left to lose if you're already at rock bottom. Keep trying. Change therapists, change meds. Depression is highly treatable. It's not worth killing yourself over an illness that is highly treatable. Think about how great life will be once you're happier again, and try to maintain the patience to keep your mind open to new treatment options.

I've tried therapists, CBT, meds...I think this world just isn't for me. suicide hotline is just straight garbage too

Click to shrink...

Have you tried DBT therapy? That might be more useful for you than CBT. Try buying a DBT workbook by Marsha Linehan. My trauma psych doing DBT on me was life changing.

 

[Obsonet]

Usually recognizing NintendoEra elsewhere in the forum is fun. I'm sorry man, and I feel you.

Click to shrink...

Thanks, I'm sorry to hear you're not doing too well either.
The direct thread does take my mind off things for a small amount of time at least, and it's got nice community members like yourself which can make the day a little bit more bearable. So thanks for that

 

[Raccoon]

Thanks, I'm sorry to hear you're not doing too well either.
The direct thread does take my mind off things for a small amount of time at least, and it's got nice community members like yourself which can make the day a little bit more bearable. So thanks for that

Click to shrink...

Yeah, I hope things look up for you soon man. Glad to be part of the community.

 

[Murfield]

Are there any local societies (gaming, role playing, improv, etc) or sports clubs nearby? I have had some pretty rough times recently and I found that having a class where you meet people to do something you enjoy helped me endure. It gives you something to look forward to at the low points of your week.

For me it was fencing, something bad happened, and I used it as an excuse to start going.

 

[Deleted member 39374]

but it's getting really disturbing how common these types of threads have become.

Click to shrink...

Yup, been noticing this trend for a while here and wondering why it's so prevalent on this community when it isn't like this at all on other forums. Regardless, I think the mental health OT should be stickied? Seems like a good start.