How'd you get over your last ex?

[Deleted member 8752]

I did a few things.

1. I decorated my apartment which I had been putting off for years. It looks excellent now. And it was good to distract myself with something productive that made me happy to come home to every day.

2. I joined a local kickball league for a few months and met some new friends. This was critical to moving on. It was important to have an outlet and just meet people who could help bring me new forms of happiness rather than just jumping into the dating scene to try and fill a hole that was left by her absence.

3. After making some new friends and being in a happy place, I then threw myself into dating and really enjoyed meeting tons of new girls. I told myself I would hold out on committing this time until I met someone I was sure I could be with forever.

And I did. And now I'm getting married to her. And as much as I loved my ex, and as lonely those first few months were, I'm honestly so much happier now than ever before in my life.

So basically, spend time on something new and productive. Spend time also meeting new people for non dating purposes. And when that makes you feel happy, you're ready to date. I think making new purely platonic friends and starting a new project is very key to moving on from a failed romantic relationship.

The reason why is because you have this empty feeling and so much more alone time after your ex leaves your life. You need to fill it with new types of experiences rather just having more romance.

 

[Jerrod]

First there was lots of crying and begging . Then there was anxiety and panic attacks (first time ever for me). Then after the self-pity and moping I decided to make major changes in my life. Hung out with friends and family more, went out more to parties and stuff to distract myself. Deleted/trashed everything that reminded me of her which led to scrubbing the house clean which was needed anyway. Bought some new furniture and rearranged the house. Rearranging the bedroom helped a ton (she had lived with me for about 6 months so I was so used to her being there every night and morning). Still cried once in a while but I always felt a lot better after a cry session. For months I couldn't sleep or eat much and wasn't interested in video games so I used that to my advantage and worked out 6-7 times a week. Lost weight, gained muscle, looked and felt great.

But I wasn't over her yet. We worked near each other so while I very rarely saw her in person I knew her car and schedule and I would think about what would happen if I ran into her or saw her in her car on the road. She was in my thoughts all the time so I made a plan to try to win her back. Of course that was a horrible idea but I had one last lunch with her, made peace with the breakup, and finally blocked her on everything. She was seeing someone already and I had ran into them twice out in public and that induced anxiety again but I eventually joined a bunch of dating sites to show myself there were other women in the world out there besides her, and some could possibly be better than her for me. Went on a bunch of dates for fun just to ease back into it, had a little sex, and now I''ve been with my new girlfriend for over a year.

 

[Landy828]

My ex was a cheating, lying, mental case that cared more about herself than me or our children.

I was over her a year before the divorce happened at minimum, and the day I left with our two daughters was one of the greatest days ever.

So to answer OP's question, very easily, LOL.

(Catching her cheating 7 years into a 10 year marriage was rough that first time, but by the 2nd/3rd time I was just ready to end everything with her)

 

[Turnabout Sisters]

casual sex did not help my emotional state at all, who tf even came up with that advice lmao. Although in this case I'm talking about rejection not a break up.

My one long term relationship was like above, it was dead long before it was officially over. Honestly im convinced that's the way to go, just drag that shit out until neither of you even care anymore (kidding... unless O_O)

 

[Deleted member 13496]

I drank a lot of whiskey for about a month—which is totally fine, fuck other people who say not to. Alcohol really, really helped. You just have to set an end date where you have to get back to life again and don't let it turn into a problem.

After which, I finished out the work season, moved back to my hometown for the summer to kind of get my life back together. Hit the dating scene for a few months, which was pretty wild as I was always in a relationship and missed the whole online dating explosion. Eventually met a total upgrade in every department, and we've been together for a couple years now and things seem to be going pretty well.

casual sex did not help my emotional state at all, who tf even came up with that advice lmao. Although in this case I'm talking about rejection not a break up.

My one long term relationship was like above, it was dead long before it was officially over. Honestly im convinced that's the way to go, just drag that shit out until neither of you even care anymore (kidding... unless O_O)

Click to shrink...

I couldn't even get it up the first time I tried, I was still so emotionally fucked up.

 

[Ryu]

Time. And also some moments for myself. I don't like the sentiment of fucking around. Go up mountains and enjoy the view. Once you're ready you can go casual again anyway, which is a lot better then. I also think you never truly forget someone when you're alone, you just get used to everything once you've had enough time. You may forget when someone different makes you crazy again.

 

[Shining Star]

It was pretty easy, but honestly my heart was never really in it and I just drifted away. I'm just very focused on my career, maybe try something like that?

 

[CaptSpaulding]

I didn't. I managed to patch things up and now we're getting married.

 

[PickledCucumber]

Found out my ex was abusive to the boyfriend after me and the one before me, so I stopped blaming myself for his abusive behavior and realized he was a piece of shit.

 

[uncelestial]

Dating other people.

I mean, before you do that, make sure you are your best self and worthy as a potential partner; sounds like you're at a super low point, so it might not be the right time at this precise moment.

But getting to that point needs to be your goal. That's the solution.

 

[Canucked]

Casual Sex and some first dates.

 

[Kasai]

Almost 2 years out, and I still haven't. I know itll happen gradually, and it kinda has, but for now in still in love with her.

 

[Deleted member 39374]

Worked out a lot, focused on my career, and had lots of casual dating/sex.

Did some of my best work during this period and looked and felt great. Probably was my peak.

Now I'm fat again and back in a long term relationship ha

 

[Jakke_Koala]

I got over her by realising she's an all round shitty person and kinda blame it on myself for not seeing that sooner.

 

[LookAtMeGo]

Booze and meaningless sex with strangers

 

[Trisc]

We parted amicably. Not much else to say; we both realized it was over, we'd had fun together, and decided splitting up was the best decision. Better to end it when it's over than let things wear out their welcome.

 

[Eidan]

I just reminded myself of all the things I hated about the relationship that I forgave or ignored. It made moving on perhaps TOO easy.

 

[2PiR]

it may sound cliche, but its time. Its over 3 years but i still think of her sometimes. But a lot less now. I have dated many since then, haven't found a connection yet. I however do not even love or want my ex back. But i still do miss her. Sounds weird when i type it out lol

 

[Vommy]

Work, friends, activities. Anything that takes your head to a different place and has a benefit of meeting new people. But in general, time, simply, time.

 

[Reformed Individual]

What ex?

 

[nilbog]

You may never get over her.

You will meet an amazing awesome companion, but you may still think of her from time to time.

 

[aisback]

With time.


I was a wreck for a while , then I decided to go out by myself and do stuff.

Then when I didn't feel so much like a wreck I hung out with some friends and eventually move on.

 

[MontlyCure]

Luckily when my ex and I split Bloodborne was just about to come out so you can imagine how I spent my time during those first few weeks.

But after that I really got back into doing everything I loved doing before the relationship. I really got back into metal, started learning new stuff on guitar, fishing, hanging out with friends etc. I also started a new job as well and started making new friends. It really just takes time. I never thought I'd get over it but here I am.

 

[fracas]

I think the hardest part is just all the physical reminders. I can't walk outside my door without instantly seeing something and triggering a memory. I couldn't tell you what I had for breakfast yesterday, but I have an almost eidetic memory when it comes to that relationship.

I know I'm not the only one that's dealt with this, just trying to figure out how to get past it. I've gone out with friends to a couple places we used to frequent and that didn't really help or hurt.

 

[BadWeddingSpeech]

Cut off all contact and the hit the gym.

 

[pikablu]

Started dating about a month later. Nothing went well for over 6 months later but it was a great distraction.

 

[Durden]

Time and self reflection. Took well over a year, but I dated her for 5 years. Very tough, and I definitely made some missteps along the way, attempting to contact her and stuff, but it will happen.

 

[Blue Skies]

Was I supposed to get over her?
Lol
We're talking again and I'm gonna visit her halfway y across the country in December.

 

[Lulu]

Tinder

 

[CatAssTrophy]

very timely thread for me. unfortunately i'm a complete failure when it comes to casual sex, as it doesn't seem there are any willing partners out there.

i tend to shy away from dating apps too closely after a relationship though because i only ever seem to match with people that really want a serious relationship and i don't want to lead anyone on or let them down when they realize we're looking for different things.

im in a really bad place right now though and progress has been hard. (the break up was a month ago but feels like way longer) im super isolated, my friends are all busy with life and children etc. and i don't get to see them. trying to figure out a way to meet new people in a non-dating manner so i can have some healthy socialization and maybe even develop a support group.

 

[Baphomet]

Pretty easily actually ,I was sad for like 2 days, then I moved on , I get over stuff pretty quickly.

 

[bobeth]

Time does it

 

[FunCarl]

Time and giving myself a chance to grieve. It was best for me to confront those feelings head on with a counselor and friends that I trusted and instead of bottling up my feelings and trying to ignore it, I opened up and felt better, faster. It's different for everyone but it sounds like you're really invested in this woman and so it will take a while to break yourself from her.

It sounds like you're on that path and you seem to be taking it as a learning experience. Best of luck.

 

[Pixels]

I didn't.

 

[Rimon-Hanit]

Just get out there. I think there is a certain kind necessary engraved asymmetry in any break up, where the inciting side is obviously right in it's statement "we don't belong together", even if you do end up coming back together she will still be the person that cause you so much pain, speaking personally I don't think I could trust a relationship with that person again, not because there's something wrong with her but because she's right, and you both should find someone better suited to your needs.

 

[FTF]

Time and a future ex.

 

[Deleted member 46948]

Some people you'll get over pretty thoroughly, given time. Some people you'll never really get over, no matter what you do.

Sadly, there's no specific thing to do to hasten the process. Just do things that make you feel good and give it time.

 

[Velocity:Design:Comfort]

Hey Fracas,

Im sure you remember me from my similar thread and honestly it's a little eerie how similar our lives are...I felt the same way. Hoping that it's not over at first but then having to 5 weeks later, actually go through realizing its over.

I came into this thread cause I still am a king the same damn question as my own thread. I seriously don't know what to do and talking to other women really intimidates you. I know you say you're not interested in the dating scene but maybe it is something that is out of your comfort zone that you don't realize would make you feel better? It might be a confidence boost if another woman is interested, even if it's casual (which it should be at this point).

Besides that, all I have been able to do is maybe slightly slightly feel a bit more confident and secure and value myself more...but that's all we can do right now.

This was almost 20 years ago but I was struggling hard with a break up of a long term relationship until one day this website "Friends Reunited" got popular in the UK, you could sign up and find people you went to high school with. This was many years before Facebook and that sort of thing existed so it was pretty exciting.

Anyway, I went ahead and created a profile. I have a sense of humour that sits somewhere between "Slayer" and "Monty Python", so I made reference to the break up (most people from high school knew we were a couple) by throwing in a line about how she was sadly killed in a rogue lawnmower accident. Obviously complete nonsense and I never thought any more about the site or the post.

A short while later her Aunt called me at home furious, screaming at me that I had no right to spread such lies and how I had to take it down because the police were coming for me and whatnot. I was super mad because I thought it was an overreaction, how dare these people call me at home and yell at me after all I'd been through and so forth. The anger kickstarted me to get my shit sorted out and I eventually went on to meet the wonderful woman I'd marry.

The irony was that the Aunt was right. This is the girl whose resume I sabotaged by adding the line "can be a pain in the arse" under the interests section as a joke then promptly forgot about because we had sex right after I did it, resulting her sending the sabotaged resume to hundreds of potential employers. It's safe to say I was actually a bit of a dick. Hey, at least I realise that now.

Click to shrink...

This all seems like normal in the UK as an American, but I will admit what I know of your culture is Brexit and The Inbetweeners movies. On the level of "cheeky bant" as you all say.

 

[the magical kitsune]

If all the articles you read say the same thing, it's probably because that thing actually works.

Time does help, but not in the sense that it makes you forget (I don't think anyone can just 'forget' about the important people in their life), but over time you replace your memories of her with new and better memories, until you've moved on from this part of your life and she becomes part of your past, along with all the other things you used to be concerned about but no longer are.

So at least my philosophy is to go outside and make those new memories, whether its a trip, hanging out with friends or doing an activity, or something else. It might feel forced in the beginning since you are still attached, but everyone says it gets better. Every day gets a little better, and then you have some shit days, then you're back at it - it's not a linear progress.

Also I think some days you should just "grieve it out". It's ok to be sad and express it, at the end of the day that relationship meant something big and so its loss may hurt. Acknowledging your sadness is better than hiding from it IMO, and it might help you come to terms with it more easily and naturally. Make sure you have your friends supporting you. I don't generally like advice such as "just date / have sex with others" or "drink your feelings away" as YMMV depending on what type of person you are. For some this works, for others it makes things worse. Definitely don't rush into a new relationship as a way to cover up the end of your previous one, you will still show that you are attached to your ex and it's not going to be fair to your partner (or yourself).

 

[gdt]

Go out there and fuck your brains out. That plus time and youll be set

 

[dark_prinny]

Tinder the fuck out. Bang as much as possible. Love yourself. Be strong. Take your time.

 

[fracas]

Tinder the fuck out. Bang as much as possible. Love yourself. Be strong. Take your time.

Click to shrink...

Go out there and fuck your brains out. That plus time and youll be set

Click to shrink...

As much as I like bangin it out, I really don't think casual stuff is for me. I get attached super easy and with how vulnerable I am now, I feel like it'd end super poorly.

Hey Fracas,

Im sure you remember me from my similar thread and honestly it's a little eerie how similar our lives are...I felt the same way. Hoping that it's not over at first but then having to 5 weeks later, actually go through realizing its over.

I came into this thread cause I still am a king the same damn question as my own thread. I seriously don't know what to do and talking to other women really intimidates you. I know you say you're not interested in the dating scene but maybe it is something that is out of your comfort zone that you don't realize would make you feel better? It might be a confidence boost if another woman is interested, even if it's casual (which it should be at this point).

Besides that, all I have been able to do is maybe slightly slightly feel a bit more confident and secure and value myself more...but that's all we can do right now.




This all seems like normal in the UK as an American, but I will admit what I know of your culture is Brexit and The Inbetweeners movies. On the level of "cheeky bant" as you all say.

Click to shrink...

I do remember you! And yeah, then again maybe doing something I wouldn't normally do would be good for me. I don't know. I've never been into casual dating/sex, not sure if this would change my mind or not.

 

[Bryo4321]

Working out, going out by myself, starting new hobbies etc. just stay busy and better myself and my skills basically. Occasionally the thought might pop in your head but I think of it as a past stage in my life, any hurt I felt at the time is gone now. It's just part of life, and you always got to look forward to what's coming next. Oh and I got a puppy. He's my little bro now.

Edit: and I've grown to love being single again. The freedom to just do whatever you want whenever is awesome. Go ham at the gym at midnight? Why not? Eat a whole pizza and chill on Friday? Sure! More spending cash too! Nobody to tell me I can't/shouldn't buy that ultrawide!? Well alright then!

 

[Velocity:Design:Comfort]

As much as I like bangin it out, I really don't think casual stuff is for me. I get attached super easy and with how vulnerable I am now, I feel like it'd end super poorly.


I do remember you! And yeah, then again maybe doing something I wouldn't normally do would be good for me. I don't know. I've never been into casual dating/sex, not sure if this would change my mind or not.

Click to shrink...

I feel the same way though...I can really empthathize. But for me I feel like maybe there are some women out there interested in not a relationship per se but a real connection, physical and otherwise, but not necessarily committing...maybe that sounds like bullshit. Like someone who I could call up if they're down to do shit but they have no obligation to me and me to her? Sorry if I can't help at all.


I feel the exact same way about the memories...everywhere I go was where we used to go, seriously. And I dunno how to get around that, but I'm not gonna move somewhere else just cause of this. That would be absurd...maybe that is a good thing to tell yourself: youre just letting the terrorists win, to borrow that phrase, if you let it get to you. But it's totally ok t hat it is right now. 100%. In time you will overcome that, I promise. Don't let her take away things that millions of people have enjoyed outside of the world you and her built.

 

[RavFiveFour]

I credit just growing up, the answer to the OP's question is open to so many answers.

 

[Sean]

Broke up with my gf of 5 years in January. Was tired of feeling alone in the relationship for half a year after a big change in her job + some other stuff and she just wasn't willing to make the changes needed for us to work out.

Since then I've basically just been exercising a lot. Lost 65 lbs since January. Really just had to let go and keep myself occupied. Not much else.

 

[Deleted member 179]

It's hard. I'm still not totally over it after 6 months. Stopping the whole friend act after a month or two of that was super liberating and made me feel better, but nowadays my mind will wander to her at some point which ends up pissing me off because, well, she pisses me off lol.

Otherwise, I've been thinking about myself for the first time in a long time. I spent years plotting everything based on what WE wanted to do, moving in together, eventually getting married etc, and now I almost feel lost. I've been seeing friends a lot more. Going to the gym. I picked up reading comics again. I thought about trying to date again but the idea of a 24yo overweight, low pay guy who lives with his grandparents isn't the most appealing to ME let alone anyone else. So, I'm doing me. Gonna go back to school the next semester to get into IT.

The biggest change I made is repairing my relationship with one of my best friends, whom I stopped talking to a little over a year ago because of conflict between him and his wife, and the now ex. Within a month of the breakup I was talking to him again, he's done ME the favor of holding nothing against me, and is now trying to get me a job at his company in their IT department. I don't deserve everything he's doing for me but I appreciate every inch of it. If i can get the job, I'll be making 14k more a year, which will make moving out of my grandparents' place a lot easier, which will mean I'll eat better due to shopping and cooking for myself, which will drop more weight. AND, the company might pay for schooling if I get hired on. So hopefully it works out, because it's the exact jumpstart I could use. After that? Maybe I'll try dating again, but I don't even remember how anymore.

So long story short, do you. Improve, or try to at least. Idk if my thoughts of her will ever go away, that's what happens when you spend 5 years with someone I guess. But they wane more and more. And I haven't seen her in 4 months which definitely helps too.

Broke up with my gf of 5 years in January. Was tired of feeling alone in the relationship for half a year after a big change in her job + some other stuff and she just wasn't willing to make the changes needed for us to work out.

Since then I've basically just been exercising a lot. Lost 65 lbs since January. Really just had to let go and keep myself occupied. Not much else.

Click to shrink...

Go you, man. I've dropped 15 since May and looking for more, 65 is cray cray and awesome.

 

[DarkChronic]

Time and spending lots of time with friends and family.

You never really get over them - the painful memories just kind of turn into melancholy/happy ones.

 

[CJohn]

I dated someone for nearly a year until she broke up with me and I realized what an asshole I was. Now she is with someone else and lives with him. This just 2 months after we split. And we work on the same place. And the other dude works on the building next door. And I see them going home together every day. So believe me you won't be in such a bad situation as I am. I am going to theraphy every week and take 4 pills every day. I feel like shit every waking hour and I try to not think about it every minute.

I don't think I will ever get over it tbh. I am 25 turning 26 next month I am starting to feel a bit old to start a relationship when I look around and see everyone dating someone for many years.

 

[julia crawford]

I get over people veeeeery easy.

So yeah. Went for a couple of drinks.