How Does One Motivate Themselves (To Have A Better Life)?

[deftones r cool]

Envision your resistance to do things as a physical entity, and kick it in the arse over and over again.

Discipline creates freedom.

Hope that helps. Life is too short to not take advantage of the wild world out there.

 

[Deleted member 35509]

Day 27: Wrote, talked stories with a friend.
Day 28: Wrote, walked a little bit but definitely slacking in the walking department. Still have moments of wanting to be lazy or sleep all day.

 

[Midramble]

Day 27: Wrote, talked stories with a friend.
Day 28: Wrote, walked a little bit but definitely slacking in the walking department. Still have moments of wanting to be lazy or sleep all day.

Click to shrink...

Good work again. Have you found that you write at a consistent time? Is there something specific that reminds you? Moments of wanting to be lazy or sleep all day can be pretty common. Could be depression and could be the idea of how tiring or how much effort doing anything will be. That's why it's easier to develop habits as you can get them to a point where the initiation (the highest friction moment) is mindless and thus easy. Also if you have a lot of thoughts that fill your head and makes the weight of all of that too heavy. Having a journal to jot it all down and transfer it out of your head helps tremendously. When you write something down you subconsciously get a sense that the thing is tabulated or taken care of at least for now. This is an easy way to get weight off your mind.

Beyond all that, how's day 29 going? Get the writing done?

 

[Midramble]

Yo Hero Protagonist it's day 30. How were the last 2 days?

 

[Midramble]

Gonna keep pingin ya Hero Protagonist. How's day 31 going?

 

[Midramble]

Hey Hero Protagonist how we doin? Its fine if the work is on pause. Let us know how its goin an we can still evaluate and work through it. If you're too busy to post, that's fine too. I'll keep buggin.

 

[Deleted member 35509]

Everything normal up to day 32! Went out almost all day yesterday. I've been slacking at work...a lot. And sleeping and playing games more again but still writing and walking.

I'm just so tired and it's so easy to pick up at that controller on the couch. Apex Legends takes seconds to boot up.

 

[Adam_Roman]

Everything normal up to day 32! Went out almost all day yesterday. I've been slacking at work...a lot. And sleeping and playing games more again but still writing and walking.

I'm just so tired and it's so easy to pick up at that controller on the couch. Apex Legends takes seconds to boot up.

Click to shrink...

How are you feeling overall? Have you noticed much of a change in your mood since you started? I find that trying to look at what I've accomplished in a larger time frame helps to motivate me and keep the ball rolling. How many pages is your writing up to so far? And do you use an app to track how much you walk? Seeing those cumulative numbers can be really helpful. Walking 20 minutes a day may not seem like much but if you do it every day that adds up to 10 hours of walking a month. If that's at 3 miles an hour average, that means you walked 30 miles.

 

[Midramble]

Everything normal up to day 32! Went out almost all day yesterday. I've been slacking at work...a lot. And sleeping and playing games more again but still writing and walking.

I'm just so tired and it's so easy to pick up at that controller on the couch. Apex Legends takes seconds to boot up.

Click to shrink...

How are you feeling overall? Have you noticed much of a change in your mood since you started? I find that trying to look at what I've accomplished in a larger time frame helps to motivate me and keep the ball rolling. How many pages is your writing up to so far? And do you use an app to track how much you walk? Seeing those cumulative numbers can be really helpful. Walking 20 minutes a day may not seem like much but if you do it every day that adds up to 10 hours of walking a month. If that's at 3 miles an hour average, that means you walked 30 miles.

Click to shrink...

Funny enough, that's exactly what I was waiting for day 30 to do. Did the same at 10 for the same reason. Recaps/evals always help me keep an eye on the big picture.

So Hero Pro, you started all this back on February 14th. It's been 32 days since. You've been at this for an entire month. That is damn good for a first whack at this. If my notes on your days are correct your first streak was 12 days straight of writing. Then you had another 10 day streak and are currently on an 8 day streak. That is unless you wrote on the 24th, but that needs to be clarified. Either way you've written for at least 30 days! That's a 93% success rate Hero. That's damn impressive, especially for a first run.

Again:

32 Days of Work
30 Days of Writing
12 Day Streak Best
93% Success Rate

Damn good work.

For your walking, again if my tracking is correct, you've been pretty consistent with getting 5 day streaks. I've got you here with three 5 day streaks, and a total of 20 days of walking. If you post some average walking times we might be able to get some mileage for ya.

Following your posts from the 14th You had a metric ton of motivation and energy at the beginning. This is common as you've got the fresh feeling of making a change in your mind. As time goes on and you feel further away from that start the weight of the grind of the work settles in and the motivation can die. That said, the point of habit isn't riding that wave of motivation (it helps for the start though) it is getting an everyday task down to the point that you don't have to think about it to do it. Like breathing. Breathing is something that doesn't burn your mental energy because you don't have a labor of thought about it. Sitting down for writing will quickly get to that point and it seems you are really on your way with that point as in your later posts don't have the energy of a new beginning in them; however, you seem more and more matter of fact about it showing that it is becoming a part of you and your identity. You are a writer. A daily writer at that. A consistent daily writer even more so.

For the tiredness, slacking, and ease of slipping into gaming here are some things you can do.

1) Task track: I suggest the beginning simplest form of this. Buy a tiny pocket journal and pen that can clip on it. This is for writing down things you need/want to do in the immediate future. I suggest a simple form of the BuJo (Bullet Journal) format. When you have something pop up in your mind that you want to take care of, open the journal, if it's the first time that day write the date and underline it. For every task put a dot (bullet point) next to it. When you complete one of these tasks, mark the dot into an "X". I suggest this because a large part of what makes us depressed/tired/overwhelmed is the thought of all the things we aren't doing and how much effort it is going to take. As a defense we ignore it/remove it from our minds but then fall into depression as we have a subconscious thought that there is a big thing that needs to be done or is missing and it won't be fixed. For many this depression leads to sleep. (for me it does. I'm a depression sleeper. Slept through many of my college classes even in the afternoon because of this when I was younger). The thing about task tracking is you can remove the burden and feeling over todo overwhelm by pulling it out of your head onto paper. Your mind recognizes that the task has been cataloged for future action so you don't feel like you are ignoring an imminent danger. This is also why journaling is a great tool for those that have anxiety induced insomnia.

2) Add friction to unwanted habits: Gaming after you've done what you want to do is fine; however, if you feel you are still avoiding tasks and distracting yourself from the thought that you are avoiding them by feeding yourself the entertainment and "accomplishment" high of games, then on top of making the good habits easier to access (putting them out in the open, making them visible, putting them in easy to grab and start kits, setting reminders, setting appointments with others to do with them) you can do the opposite to habits you want to avoid more. For this instance, every time you are done gaming, you can unplug the cables to the console. If it's a computer and you access the game on the same system you write, either put the game on another device or at least remove the shortcut to the game. A was embarrassingly on a Fallout 76 kick for a while and it sapped all my time. I've kept my PS4 unplugged for the last couple of months just to keep me off. With unplugging, you make it so that every time you want to play a game you have to get up, plug in the stuff, turn on the system, wait for it to boot, and then play. When you mentally weigh that against "just open your task journal to at least look at what I can do" you may choose the later more often. You can keep adding friction like putting the controller away somewhere everytime you are done.

3) Go somewhere: Go to a cafe, library, park, wework, food court, diner, anywhere that doesn't have your home comforts of distraction just a few feet away. I know many people like to work from home but I've found I'm not the kind of person that can keep guard against that kind of distraction. When I do "work from home" I actually go to a cafe as that is the only place I will be able to stay focused on my work. If weather or other obstacles prevent this you can set your home as that place by "going to your office" which is just you walking around the house and burying hiding all distracting objects. Put the console in the basement, hide your phone, setup in the kitchen, put objects on the couch so you can't sit on it, close the door to the bedroom so you don't go take a nap, make a cup of coffee, get some fresh air. Make the environment not feel like the comfort of home.

What is it that you dislike about your work that you avoid. Maybe we can get some more targeted solutions with some details.

Again Hero Pro, you've been doing great. You've dumped a ton of effort into this and it shows. Not much longer and writing will be a permanent habit that you can rely on to establish other habits. If you're comfortable you can establish other habits like walking, project planning, writing composting, editing, listening to writing podcasts, and so on. I'll keep tracking here; however, I'd also suggest you get a journal for tracking yourself that way you can give yourself credit for the grinding you've been doing. If you want the positive feedback loop that enables personal change, you've got to start giving yourself credit for the good you do. And you've been doing a shit ton.

 

[Deleted member 35509]

Funny enough, that's exactly what I was waiting for day 30 to do. Did the same at 10 for the same reason. Recaps/evals always help me keep an eye on the big picture.

So Hero Pro, you started all this back on February 14th. It's been 32 days since. You've been at this for an entire month. That is damn good for a first whack at this. If my notes on your days are correct your first streak was 12 days straight of writing. Then you had another 10 day streak and are currently on an 8 day streak. That is unless you wrote on the 24th, but that needs to be clarified. Either way you've written for at least 30 days! That's a 93% success rate Hero. That's damn impressive, especially for a first run.

Again:

32 Days of Work
30 Days of Writing
12 Day Streak Best
93% Success Rate

Damn good work.

For your walking, again if my tracking is correct, you've been pretty consistent with getting 5 day streaks. I've got you here with three 5 day streaks, and a total of 20 days of walking. If you post some average walking times we might be able to get some mileage for ya.

Following your posts from the 14th You had a metric ton of motivation and energy at the beginning. This is common as you've got the fresh feeling of making a change in your mind. As time goes on and you feel further away from that start the weight of the grind of the work settles in and the motivation can die. That said, the point of habit isn't riding that wave of motivation (it helps for the start though) it is getting an everyday task down to the point that you don't have to think about it to do it. Like breathing. Breathing is something that doesn't burn your mental energy because you don't have a labor of thought about it. Sitting down for writing will quickly get to that point and it seems you are really on your way with that point as in your later posts don't have the energy of a new beginning in them; however, you seem more and more matter of fact about it showing that it is becoming a part of you and your identity. You are a writer. A daily writer at that. A consistent daily writer even more so.

For the tiredness, slacking, and ease of slipping into gaming here are some things you can do.

1) Task track: I suggest the beginning simplest form of this. Buy a tiny pocket journal and pen that can clip on it. This is for writing down things you need/want to do in the immediate future. I suggest a simple form of the BuJo (Bullet Journal) format. When you have something pop up in your mind that you want to take care of, open the journal, if it's the first time that day write the date and underline it. For every task put a dot (bullet point) next to it. When you complete one of these tasks, mark the dot into an "X". I suggest this because a large part of what makes us depressed/tired/overwhelmed is the thought of all the things we aren't doing and how much effort it is going to take. As a defense we ignore it/remove it from our minds but then fall into depression as we have a subconscious thought that there is a big thing that needs to be done or is missing and it won't be fixed. For many this depression leads to sleep. (for me it does. I'm a depression sleeper. Slept through many of my college classes even in the afternoon because of this when I was younger). The thing about task tracking is you can remove the burden and feeling over todo overwhelm by pulling it out of your head onto paper. Your mind recognizes that the task has been cataloged for future action so you don't feel like you are ignoring an imminent danger. This is also why journaling is a great tool for those that have anxiety induced insomnia.

2) Add friction to unwanted habits: Gaming after you've done what you want to do is fine; however, if you feel you are still avoiding tasks and distracting yourself from the thought that you are avoiding them by feeding yourself the entertainment and "accomplishment" high of games, then on top of making the good habits easier to access (putting them out in the open, making them visible, putting them in easy to grab and start kits, setting reminders, setting appointments with others to do with them) you can do the opposite to habits you want to avoid more. For this instance, every time you are done gaming, you can unplug the cables to the console. If it's a computer and you access the game on the same system you write, either put the game on another device or at least remove the shortcut to the game. A was embarrassingly on a Fallout 76 kick for a while and it sapped all my time. I've kept my PS4 unplugged for the last couple of months just to keep me off. With unplugging, you make it so that every time you want to play a game you have to get up, plug in the stuff, turn on the system, wait for it to boot, and then play. When you mentally weigh that against "just open your task journal to at least look at what I can do" you may choose the later more often. You can keep adding friction like putting the controller away somewhere everytime you are done.

3) Go somewhere: Go to a cafe, library, park, wework, food court, diner, anywhere that doesn't have your home comforts of distraction just a few feet away. I know many people like to work from home but I've found I'm not the kind of person that can keep guard against that kind of distraction. When I do "work from home" I actually go to a cafe as that is the only place I will be able to stay focused on my work. If weather or other obstacles prevent this you can set your home as that place by "going to your office" which is just you walking around the house and burying hiding all distracting objects. Put the console in the basement, hide your phone, setup in the kitchen, put objects on the couch so you can't sit on it, close the door to the bedroom so you don't go take a nap, make a cup of coffee, get some fresh air. Make the environment not feel like the comfort of home.

What is it that you dislike about your work that you avoid. Maybe we can get some more targeted solutions with some details.

Again Hero Pro, you've been doing great. You've dumped a ton of effort into this and it shows. Not much longer and writing will be a permanent habit that you can rely on to establish other habits. If you're comfortable you can establish other habits like walking, project planning, writing composting, editing, listening to writing podcasts, and so on. I'll keep tracking here; however, I'd also suggest you get a journal for tracking yourself that way you can give yourself credit for the grinding you've been doing. If you want the positive feedback loop that enables personal change, you've got to start giving yourself credit for the good you do. And you've been doing a shit ton.

Click to shrink...

Thank you so much for this. A lot of what you wrote makes sense as now, I don't even really think about the writing, I just do it and that might be why games are coming back, because I write a little in the morning out of habit and I'm "done". Don't get me wrong, writing makes me feel spectacular but maybe I should increase to more than two sentences a day?

I walk about a quarter mile a day, average.

I've been thinking about unplugging things, that's not a bad idea. I really do understand the value of time and now when people mention to me how often they're playing a game or watching reality tv (just examples), my thought usually goes to "Why didn't you do something productive towards your goal or to make you happier?".

I really should go to a cafe more often. I guess I just don't want to leave my dogs.

Also, day 33 and I've already written and walked today. I have 21 pages written total from when we started this. It's actually kind of weird that it's been over a month, I just don't think about it.

 

[Midramble]

Thank you so much for this. A lot of what you wrote makes sense as now, I don't even really think about the writing, I just do it and that might be why games are coming back, because I write a little in the morning out of habit and I'm "done". Don't get me wrong, writing makes me feel spectacular but maybe I should increase to more than two sentences a day?

I walk about a quarter mile a day, average.

I've been thinking about unplugging things, that's not a bad idea. I really do understand the value of time and now when people mention to me how often they're playing a game or watching reality tv (just examples), my thought usually goes to "Why didn't you do something productive towards your goal or to make you happier?".

I really should go to a cafe more often. I guess I just don't want to leave my dogs.

Also, day 33 and I've already written and walked today. I have 21 pages written total from when we started this. It's actually kind of weird that it's been over a month, I just don't think about it.

Click to shrink...

You could always just go to the cafe for a couple of hours. It's important that you catalog your victories. You put in hard work. You should give yourself credit for it. Also there are few better ways at getting better than knowing how you did. How was Tuesday 34 and today 35 by the way?

 

[Deleted member 35509]

Tuesday and Wednesday were fine but yesterday, I played Apex Legends all day and went to see a movie at night, didn't write anything. I was a little depressed because I was behind on work and lied to my girlfriend about what I had for dinner outside. We're vegan but I just, no idea why, bought a chicken sandwich. I lied and felt guilt going to sleep after I had gotten home.

I had a major panic attack around 5am. Heart racing, a million thoughts in my head. I started crying. I was shaking. I'm just stressed about work, being 36 and feeling like a loser. Nobody is calling me back for a new job. I lied and told my girlfriend I was looking all day but I was playing Apex yesterday and sleeping a lot. I took a pill to calm down and try to sleep.

I'm awake now, I just feel tense all over. I didn't walk the past two days either. I'm nauseous and scared to eat let alone write anything. I'm scared to walk because my heart is racing and my body feels tense, I'm scared it'll give me a heart attack if I walk around the neighborhood. I just want to sit on the couch again and play games to relax and take my mind off of things. I'm still in bed. Sorry.

 

[Midramble]

Tuesday and Wednesday were fine but yesterday, I played Apex Legends all day and went to see a movie at night, didn't write anything. I was a little depressed because I was behind on work and lied to my girlfriend about what I had for dinner outside. We're vegan but I just, no idea why, bought a chicken sandwich. I lied and felt guilt going to sleep after I had gotten home.

I had a major panic attack around 5am. Heart racing, a million thoughts in my head. I started crying. I was shaking. I'm just stressed about work, being 36 and feeling like a loser. Nobody is calling me back for a new job. I lied and told my girlfriend I was looking all day but I was playing Apex yesterday and sleeping a lot. I took a pill to calm down and try to sleep.

I'm awake now, I just feel tense all over. I didn't walk the past two days either. I'm nauseous and scared to eat let alone write anything. I'm scared to walk because my heart is racing and my body feels tense, I'm scared it'll give me a heart attack if I walk around the neighborhood. I just want to sit on the couch again and play games to relax and take my mind off of things. I'm still in bed. Sorry.

Click to shrink...

If you're still panicking start breathing deep and slow. Count how long each breath takes. Make that count as long as possible. 3 second in and out then 5 then 8 then 10. Your mind still jumping to all the threatening things? Then keep breathing. Everytime your mind wanders say "just breath" and focus on the breathing. I'm about to go into a meeting but I'll post when I get out. There are things we can do to help mitigate and address all the things that happened. You had a slip, but that is ok. It doesn't undo what you've done for the last month. You are the same person that put in all that effort.

 

[Midramble]

Hero Protagonist

Some important distinctions to start off with. Just because you miss a day of writing, doesn't mean you are not a writer. Just because you eat meat once doesn't mean you are not a vegan. Just because no one has called back yet does not mean you are unhireable.

More importantly is viewing these identities in reverse. Yesterday is over. If you look at it, look at it in the context of more history. You have been writing for 30 days pretty consistently. You are a writer. You've done a lot of walking in that month as well. You are a walker. You have applied for jobs. You are working to move on in your career. You have eaten vegan for quite a while I assume. You are a vegan. These things are obviously true. Even so it is easy for our doubts to erase the memories of good we have done. The effort needed is in reminding yourself of what you have done. You are someone who works towards what they want and makes change. These things are true.

In CBT there is a technique/habit called the three C's that are a general weapon for acute destructive thoughts.

1) Catch. As soon as you start having the negative thought, catch it. Meaning stop and notice. This is the idea of mindfulness. Though it's become a somewhat annoying buzz word, it means being aware of yourself, your feelings, your behaviors, your thoughts, so on. Being aware. So when you start to spiral or when you start to feel doubt or depression or anger or any feeling/thought you don't want or think takes away from who you want to be, catch it. Stop and recognize you are having it. Think about what is triggering it. Why do you feel that way. What is the actual source. Not just the immediate source, but the source feeding the source. Get a bird's eye view of the feeling.

2) Check. Check, or evaluate, the reality/usefullness of the thought. Try to step outside yourself and evaluate if you are exaggerating the thought because you are the one feeling it. For instance, you feel like a bad person because you ate meat. The reality is you ate chicken (that was already made) once. Did you add significant aid to the meat industry? No. Did you hurt anyone doing so? No. Did you do it because you dislike animals or lack empathy? No. Does it undo all the time and effort you've put into being vegan up to that moment? No. Are you still a vegan? Yes, if you choose you still want to be. Are you going to keep moving the vegan cause forward at least through participation? If you choose to, yes. Did you make a mistake? Yes. Did you lie? yes. Does one mistake make you a failure? No. Does one lie make you a liar? no. Is this thought useful? Maybe only somewhat. You can use it as a reminder to not eat meat in the future because it gives a hit to your self worth. Beyond that, it isn't useful. The fact that you made a mistake doesn't actually stop you from making correct decisions in the future. So overall it may not be a useful thought. These judgments are up to you though.

3) Change. Change the thought by taking a new perspective or taking action. For instance in the case of making a mistake recognize that the only reason the mistake feels large is because it's a contrast against the large progress and good you have done. Are you the person that did 1 bad thing or 30 good things? Are you the person that didn't do so well in the past or the person that has more recently been improving. The fact that you stumble just means you've been putting in effort long enough to stumble. (Quick pause here, in the earliest days I kept making a point about how your momentum was great because of motivation and to be aware of not over expecting from yourself. I mentioned that because everyone, EVERYONE, on the road to progress stumbles. So the fact that you stumble only means that you've reached the stage in your progress where you've worked long enough to hit low points. They will keep coming but you will get better at handling them. It doesn't mean your journey is over, it means it is really beginning now. This is the jump from novice self identity-smith to a real one.) A useful tool for this part is also not using negative or distant language. Instead of saying "I will not fail" say "I succeed". Instead of saying "I will be a writer" say "I am a writer". Instead of saying "I will do better" say "I am doing better". It seems small and stupid but actually does affect you.

As for action, you can google direct methods for priming your environment to help. In the instance of the game. Unplug the system right now. Put it in a drawer. Don't take it out until you have written/walked/applied for one job today. If you don't do any of those, then don't plug the console back in. I know I'm oversimplifying that because the issue I had there was when I would do that, since the game was the distraction from the threat of my thoughts I was using, I'd be idle and instead of doing work I'd just get more and more anxious trying to do mental gymnastics to avoid doing what I want. When your thoughts flood with the overwhelming like that the best method (that I've found) to fight the overwhelming thoughts is to grab a pen and jot them down. It sounds stupid that it would unclutter your mind because it sounds like a cartoonish reality warping thing, but your brain actually does recognize that you have done something about it so you do actually calm down. On a piece of paper (eventually a journal when you buy one) put the date, and list tasks that you want/need to do with a dot next to them. No details, just the simplest description. Just enough to minimally track. (Top of that list is to buy a journal to do this regularly). This will break you from the mental cage where you are trapped by your mountain of things to do. Believe me I know what that is like. I never stayed at a job for more than 1.5 years because of this. I would always feel trapped at a job as my list would eternally climb and I world more strongly avoid it until I'd be panicked. Task journalling cured that circle for me.

For more direct advice. On the job front, no response is normal. Every time I change jobs (which used to be quite often) it would take me about 4 months of active hunting/linkedin/emails to get one. Pretty consistently too. Make at resume that you can send to multiple people and at least send one a day. Tweak for specifics for jobs you really want, but keep in mind you will mostly likely get an offer from not your preferred but eventually one better than where you are.Take it slow.

And again, unplug your system and put it in a box. Try making it a night time routing before you sleep. Last thing you do before heading to bed is unplug, put it in a box. I'll start checking up on this daily as well.

On journaling/clearing out thoughts so that you don't avoid them with distraction. Feel free to keep using this space to do so. It is easily accessible and we can give feedback. That said a small paper journal would be more private if you want to get your deepest honesty out.

 

[Midramble]

How about today Hero Protagonist ? Write and unplug today?

 

[The Boat]

Apologies if you already mentioned this, didn't read the whole thread and I see Midramble already mentioned CBT (great post), but you absolutely should go to therapy if you can afford it. No doubt about it. Ideally, see a psychiatrist and a psychologist, because it really sounds like you have depression.

I relate to you and your situation very, very much. Taking my meds is very important, but I've recently started seeing a therapist and I'm starting to see some benefits, although we're at an early stage.

Wishing you the best!

 

[Midramble]

Hero Protagonist checking in. How we doing?

 

[Midramble]

Checking in Hero Protagonist. We can start up and strategize whenever you're ready.

 

[Deleted member 19365]

Hero Protagonist Midramble You two are great. I'm following your shared journey for a while and it has been quite motivational. This made me get back on track as well. Habit change is hard, but we all can do it. A lot of the advice in here is helpful. Keep going, I'm looking forward to it!

 

[BladeoftheImmortal]

It's not about motivation. It's about luck of the draw

 

[shnurgleton]

Motivation is hard, especially if you have or are susceptible to depression. I don't know what exactly turned it around for me, but I have been turning the car around super hard since around the start of the year. Here are some factors I credit for my turnaround

• Ran my first 5K in December. I'm not a big runner, did some sprints in high school but it was never my event. Signed up for one on a whim and surprised myself how well I did. Made me realize I was capable of way more than I thought.
• Gave up alcohol for an entire month in January, and stuck to it. This was big for me, because drinking was a simple way for me to unwind and disengage every night. Made me realize what an unclouded mind is like, and this allowed me to stop judging myself so harshly every morning I woke up hungover. I feel more ready to face other people.
• Started losing weight. I've struggled with being overweight my whole life, and exercising that self discipline and being able to fit in old clothes really started making me feel not like an eyesore, but somebody that other people might find attractive.
• Turned 30. 20s were training wheels for me, and this mostly symbolic milestone made me realize that I need to stop fucking around like life is infinite. If I want something, I've got to make it happen. The dread was gone and the possibilities felt limitless.
• Started dating. World's full of lonely people and I'm just one of them. After a few months of mostly swiping on people on dating apps, found and met somebody I'm genuinely excited about seeing. Spending time with her and exploring our city together has given me a lot of drive and life over the past few weeks, and I am nervous but mostly hopeful about the future for the first time in a very long time

I guess to distill this message, is, push yourself to do things you think you can't do, tackle your demons head on, and lay yourself bare in front of people. Give yourself credit because you're just another person like the rest of us, and there's a great chance you're not alone in your struggles

It's super easy to say and super hard to do. But just keep pressing against your comfort bubble because there's no progress inside

 

[Deleted member 35509]

I'm sorry Midramble for taking so long to reply. I tried to figure out how to explain things but I couldn't.

I haven't written anything since Sunday or really done any work. Sekiro, a new game, came out and that's all I've been playing. I didn't take the advice of unplugging stuff yet, didn't think it was a big deal.

But I really, really appreciate you checking up on me Mid, and everyone new in here giving great advice. SO much easier to hear than implement. I just feel so lazy again, mostly from that last panic attack and wondering when I'll care more again.

And to everyone who mentions therapy, no, I cannot afford it right now. I do want to go back too, it was helpful.

 

[Midramble]

I'm sorry Midramble for taking so long to reply. I tried to figure out how to explain things but I couldn't.

I haven't written anything since Sunday or really done any work. Sekiro, a new game, came out and that's all I've been playing. I didn't take the advice of unplugging stuff yet, didn't think it was a big deal.

But I really, really appreciate you checking up on me Mid, and everyone new in here giving great advice. SO much easier to hear than implement. I just feel so lazy again, mostly from that last panic attack and wondering when I'll care more again.

And to everyone who mentions therapy, no, I cannot afford it right now. I do want to go back too, it was helpful.

Click to shrink...

No worries. How was Friday and Saturday? How is today going?

Not going to lie, I've been wanting to pick up Sekiro as well as I was a big fan of demon souls when it first came out, the rest of the souls game, bloodborne, and well really anything from From.

The thing about unplugging, it isn't a big deal. That is also the key point of success. It's death by a thousand cuts. Unplugging isn't a big thing and doesn't add a lot of friction, but it is at least some. Add that to the friction of the threat of disappointment, added to the friction of a promise to yourself, add the small friction of putting the controller on the shelf instead of the table. It's how winning is done in racing, or actually any sport. A series of many small changes adds up to big ones.

James Clear's book Atomic Habits is specifically about that. Though I'm not a huge fan of how he renames preexisting concepts of habit craft like routine as trademarked "habit stacking" and other sales techniques, he does a great job of collating a lot of existing habit craft resources and knowledge bases out there. His specific point is that habit craft is built out of a consistent series of small changes. Small additions and subtractions of friction to and and from wanted habits and unwanted habits respectively until the unwanted grind to a halt and the wanted finally break free.

It will always be easier to hear and think about change than implement, that's why all the real work being done here is by you. The minimal I can do is ping you regularly to remind you of the path you are on.

Hell, just like a From game where success is entirely about failing countless times until you get good enough to continue on, that is habit craft. From Software games are hard as shit and take lots of time to get through as you get the routines and habits of timing, placement, priming your gear, reacting to sideways situations, being aware where you are and what you are doing, recognizing small successes. This is habit craft and life in general. When facing a boss or shitty area you get beaten down a few times but on that 4th time you make it 7 feat further. You get one extra hit. You know the more times you go back to that area and fight that boss, the better you will get at it. In the same way you have to recognize the success you've already made while recognizing what you want to achieve. Games are easier because the path to success, your current progress, and the reward at the end are all presented so that you are always aware and thus always motivated to keep grinding. Since life doesn't have that coded in you need to set it up yourself. You know the path (daily consistent work), you know your goal (to be a writer), and you know your progress (you've worked for a month on it and written 20-ish pages). Just keep picking up that pen each day and grind at this area of your life. When you get tired of the game to take a break from it. You only do enough to get a bit better or get that reward, in the same way, only do as much writing as you can consistently do daily. Don't burn yourself out on it, just keep doing it. At least that one sentence.

One sentence. Before you pick up the controller, before you get that reward.

Maybe try this. Write one sentence (or what ever is small enough to feel undeniable), then stop and play. Make yourself stop at point and reward yourself. This will setup an association in your brain between the writing task and gaming. Since games are basically synthetic accomplishment drugs (I know because I'm an addict) you'll start to associate the writing with games with accomplishment. Eventually you'll be able to cut out the games and just feel the accomplishment.

I'll keep pinging ya to give you a reminder. I'll be obnoxious just so you can't avoid the things you want to do, but do keep in mind, you are right, it's harder to do than hear. The daily step is yours to take. I can hand you a shovel but you're the one who's going to have to dig.

P.S. I can see when you've been on here but not replied to the thread (your profile is public) so maybe that'll give you a bit more motivation to see that red 1 alert and write that one sentence real quick and reply real quick here (or it may motivate you to make your profile private haha). Keep in mind, even a shitty sentence is better than no sentence.

 

[Midramble]

Hey Hero Protagonist you willing to kick back in the rhythm starting today?

 

[Deleted member 35509]

Your advice is so good.

Thanks so much for putting up with me, especially knowing I've posted in here. Like real life, I avoided this because your advice is so good, I don't think I was mentally ready to jump back in.

I'll start again today. It's so easy to hear or give advice but following it, I'll start small again. A couple of sentences and a walk. Sorry for the setback guys, for the people following. Video games and avoiding life in general, real addictions.

 

[Midramble]

Your advice is so good.

Thanks so much for putting up with me, especially knowing I've posted in here. Like real life, I avoided this because your advice is so good, I don't think I was mentally ready to jump back in.

I'll start again today. It's so easy to hear or give advice but following it, I'll start small again. A couple of sentences and a walk. Sorry for the setback guys, for the people following. Video games and avoiding life in general, real addictions.

Click to shrink...

To start, how did the weekend go and today?

Setbacks are their own small victories. Though that sounds disney level cheesy, let me explain. In order for something to be a setback (as distinct from a failure) requires a specific prerequisite.

A setback assumes a continual forward motion. Having a setback means you had a goal of progression but you went backwards for a moment. The key word there is "moment". This infers that when the setback is done you will continue forward. Setback infers hope. Every time you declare you had a setback you are simultaneously declaring "but I will get back up again". That is a victory. For that reason, never be ashamed of a setback. The ability to get back up, resilience, is the heart of progress more than moving itself. A talent for improvement is useless if one never gets back up after failure. On the other hand, a talent for getting back up all but guarantees an eventual movement forward. And as long as you are still breathing, regardless of how long you've been down, you can always get back up.

On more specific practical terms, another thing that helps, back to talking about CBT 3 C's and mindfulness along with habit craft, is to catch/be mindful of when you are avoiding something (especially something you logically don't want to avoid but avoid anyways like tasks). Try to establish a minimal habit for this, such as when you notice you are avoiding, at least stop, catch the thought/task you are avoiding mentally and write it down. With just this habit you have at least acknowledged it. That is a minimal first habit. What you want to eventually graduate to is catching that avoidance -> think of the next immediate step you need to perform for it to not be avoided -> clear your mind of other baggage attached to the task (e.g. how much effort it will take, what you need to do after, the guilt of failures in the past, how awkward it is). Clear everything. -> put your hand on it.

For example: The task you "want" to do, but don't want to do is sweeping, and you are avoiding it.

1) Remember I need to sweep and already feel the gut reaction of avoidance. Catch it.
2) Think of next step. Next step would be to grab the broom.
3) I start to think about how long it will take, the dust it will make, the fact I've got to get up, I'll need to take out the garba.... Stop, clear all that bullshit. Just broom. That's it. Grab broom. Nothing else.
4) Mindlessly go over and place my hand on the broom.

Right after that you will naturally start the next step of getting the pan, then sweeping and so on. After you've broken the friction of overthought and built momentum with just taking the first step, the rest comes naturally with no mental exhaustion. The trick is to remove the exhaustion of overthought at the first step. The point of highest friction. Once you've built a habit of just shutting up the mind and "just put your hand on it" you'll find yourself grinding through tasks much more naturally.

Be aware that this also works in reverse. (for unwanted tasks, e.g. gaming or eating a whole tub of icecream). For example, if you mindlessly grab the controller, or mindlessly open the fridge, the subsequent tasks to playing for hours or eating the whole pint come equally mindlessly as the initial friction of the task is gone. Because of this always try to be aware of the triggers/traps of those first actions that will ensnare you for hours or force you off the path you mindfully/consciously want to go down.

Another thing, I may get snapped tomorrow. If that happens, I will rely on you updating your progress daily here until I get unsnapped April 26th. That said if, while I accountlessly lurk here, I find that you're not updating with progress (good or bad, there is no shame in logging setbacks as logging setbacks are small victories themselves) then I will have to request an unban and sport a "coward" tag for the rest of the month. No pressure. I believe you can do it. We'll help you continue this climb of progress.

Whatever it takes.

 

[Midramble]

Hero Protagonist, how we doin?

 

[H.Protagonist]

Hero Protagonist, how we doin?

Click to shrink...

I just scrolled through some of this thread randomly and I feel compelled to say: You're really something else, Midramble. I admire what you're doing to help the OP. All the kudos~

Fellow HP, I think unplugging would be the best. It's numbing your brain and sapping what little motivation you have. I assign you 50 squats as penalty. I'll do them with you if you need the push.

 

[JetBazooka]

You need to gain momentum to pull yourself out of it. If your at home all the time you should start adding running or going to the gym to your schedule. You want to also add decent foods to your eating list. You need to decrease the fast food, soda, candy, etc. If your playing video games you need to play the one you can complete the quickest so you can get some accomplishments under your belt to build more momentum. You need to then start putting your resume together. you can start that right now. During your video game loading screens or while waiting in queue for a match to start. You should grab your old job files and such little by little compiling all your stuff together. If your living space is not clean you can also do that little by little while gaming and just cleaning out all the junk you dont use or need to get rid of. Your gaining momentum little by little doing all this stuff.

Once your resume is complete put it online. There are websites in your area most likely that companies all around your area use to find employees. Try to find something where you can work 3 days on the weekend and still get 40 hours pay. This way you will have 4 days off. Any decent job will do. You are just trying to build momentum. You now have money in your pocket that should only be used to pay your normal bills, and for food. You need to save up your money. once you start filling that bank account up and reaching standard levels of savings you will gain more momentum to pull yourself up. Every task you complete big or small will gain you momentum. eventually you will be all caught up with everything so even if you have relapses you will be starting from a higher place with enough momentum to break yourself out.

 

[Deleted member 35509]

Midramble

Let's call this a reboot. I know, looking back and seeing what I've done is nice but it's hard to stay so positive. Fighting this addiction is really hard. Videogames get me nowhere while every page I write is a step in the right direction. I'll take your advice, again, for the millionth time and if I'm about to play a game, I'll ask myself to write or to reward the writing by playing a little. It's so hard to explain an addiction.

H.Protagonist thanks, you can do the 50 :)

Can we make this day 1? As another person who posted in here said, working from home can be debilitating. Every single time I've gone to Whole Foods or a cafe to work, I've gotten so much more done but there have been so many days of not feeling like moving.

Unplugging the consoles seems like such a hassle but I'm getting close to 6 months of no real progress with finding a better, new job. My girlfriend...there's no way she can be happy about this and it shows. My anxiety is through the roof again lately so when she gets home after I've been home all day sometimes thinking about it between playing a game or watching TV, she gets the brunt of this. I feel so bad about it.

 

[Midramble]

I just scrolled through some of this thread randomly and I feel compelled to say: You're really something else, Midramble. I admire what you're doing to help the OP. All the kudos~

Fellow HP, I think unplugging would be the best. It's numbing your brain and sapping what little motivation you have. I assign you 50 squats as penalty. I'll do them with you if you need the push.

Click to shrink...

Thanks HP. From personal experience, often it takes someone else not giving up on you to get the momentum to go yourself. Was the case for me.

Midramble

Let's call this a reboot. I know, looking back and seeing what I've done is nice but it's hard to stay so positive. Fighting this addiction is really hard. Videogames get me nowhere while every page I write is a step in the right direction. I'll take your advice, again, for the millionth time and if I'm about to play a game, I'll ask myself to write or to reward the writing by playing a little. It's so hard to explain an addiction.

H.Protagonist thanks, you can do the 50 :)

Can we make this day 1? As another person who posted in here said, working from home can be debilitating. Every single time I've gone to Whole Foods or a cafe to work, I've gotten so much more done but there have been so many days of not feeling like moving.

Unplugging the consoles seems like such a hassle but I'm getting close to 6 months of no real progress with finding a better, new job. My girlfriend...there's no way she can be happy about this and it shows. My anxiety is through the roof again lately so when she gets home after I've been home all day sometimes thinking about it between playing a game or watching TV, she gets the brunt of this. I feel so bad about it.

Click to shrink...

Reboot it is. Again, lots of small steps adds up to a long distance.

Since today has a 50% chance to be my last day of posting until the end of April, I guess it would be appropriate to explain why posting here is important to me.

Due to early life events, I've always had a strong sense of never giving up on others but giving up on myself. I spent 25 years wanting to be better but never getting better. I moved to video games because it was synthetic achievement that filled my deep lack of self worth. This was a looping feedback system. I'd do nothing -> play games to feel like I'm doing something (though the stories gave me hope I still did actually nothing myself) -> get even less done because of games -> accumulate self disgust -> build a defense of ignoring my failings so I wouldn't feel the pain -> back to doing nothing.

Despite this I was smart enough to get good college placement for engineering but this behavior had me bomb out.

So I joined the military and started a career as a result, where I would transition jobs regularly because the same behavior would make everything build up until I couldn't handle it.

I also married my highschool sweetheart who stuck with me through everything. Knew my failings, my slow progress, my lack of self worth, but still stuck with me through all my empty promises for so many years. Until it became too much over the years and she left. Ghosting right as I deployed to Afghanistan.

This was the last person that believed in me. The last person that was willing to stick with me despite all the empty promises of "I'll work on it. I'll get better". Even that person had a breaking point.

That's when I hit rock bottom. In my mind no one believed I was capable of doing anything good, least of all me. My natural thought process was then to remove that burden from the world. On base you carry around a loaded firearm and for months I'd go to the bathroom, take out the magazine, put the barrel in my mouth or against my head and pull the trigger a few times. Eventually I got worn down and one night snuck out to our office so that I would have privacy. I loaded the M9, racked it to load a round in the chamber which pulled back the hammer, placed it against my head, paused and then instead pointed it at my chest. A lot of thoughts went through my head including everyone that would be torn apart by it and then justifying that they would get over it and be stronger and better for it. Then I began slowly squeezing the trigger. (if you don't know, when a pistol has it's hammer back, the trigger is much lighter. At this point you squeeze and you won't know when it will release. I did this so I wouldn't know when it is coming). It felt like an infinitely long trigger pull. I'd slowly squeeze more and more and it felt like it should have gone off long ago and as the moment is coming closer and closer and my adrenaline is ramping up my mind floods with thoughts and people faster and faster the closer I get to the "pop". Then my younger sister pops into my mind. She is 11 years younger than me. She also had a hard life and a lot of self doubt. She has also had friends that had permanently ended it. At that thought I paused. Then I hit a wall. I started getting angry telling myself "fuck it" trying to grit through it. Trying to get hyped up enough to keep going but she kept popping into my mind and I couldn't. I eased off, removed the magazine, ejected the round, bawled some more, and went back to my bunk. For months I hated myself for not being able to do it. (An interesting point that comes in a book I read later called A Long Way Down. Great black comedy about suicide). There would be attempts later when I came back from deployment (I got really good at tying nooses) but I always stopped at the same point and I realized I'd never have to guts to do it. Which again led to more self hatred. After a few years I went to Japan and met another woman. We got married and I felt like I had a new start, I also had a new job. But I started devolving into the same routing of things getting worse and worse and it threatened my new marriage. I couldn't do it again. My wife asked me to see a psychologist and I did. My wife kept with me for 3 years of getting worse before I went. But I got better. I started studying habit craft, self improvement, listening to audio books on the subject, diving through google and wikipedia, I learned a lot but still it was only knowledge and I wasn't making progress. The psychologist gave me micro steps of action. Things I avoided in my research because they seemed small and useless. "Only big change would get me out of this big trench" is what I thought. I was wrong. After 30 years, the only thing that worked was the tiniest of baby steps. I made a cup of coffee. Every morning a single cup of coffee. It was basically nothing, but it wasn't actually nothing. Even more so it was something consistent. That tiny fracture in my prison wall of bad habit and self hate was a vector of attack. On that habit I started journalling daily. I developed a mantra. A study habit. A workout habit. A cleaning routine, and so on. It was a crack so small in the wall of my cell it was basically unnoticeable, but chipping away at that crack consistently over time with consistent pressure made a bigger and bigger hole. As it got bigger I saw more and more light and it motivated me to dig deeper and faster and I still am to this day.

That is why I have to say something. I see people in their own prisons everywhere now and they can get out if they are convinced to keep chipping away. The least I can do is consistently show up and say "If you want, you can pick up that shovel and dig. Eventually you'll make it out". So that is what I will do.

Hero Protagonist, you can make it out. I absolutely promise you. It is a fact. That hope is never ever lost.

On a lighter note, H Protag is actually a writer. Her book is pretty good. I'm sure she has great advice for you to become a writer.

So if I stop posting in the next 10 minutes, goodluck Hero Protagonist If I can't post I hope others help you keep on. I'll be watching, so please keep posting. You inspire hope in me as well. Thank you for that.

 

[One Eyed Willy]

Not really sure how to get an adult who has never been motivated or happy to flip. I've seen some do it with religion, to be honest.

For me, it all started as a child and how my parents raised me. It started with competitive sports, and building a foundation for drive and always achieving goals when I was probably 5? So by the time I was 15 it was normal, by the time I was 25 I was starting to edge the competition and in my late 30s it keeps getting easier because seemingly adults by this age who haven't figured it out start to give up. I'm speaking career-wise and success specifically.

Hard work, isn't showing up on time and doing your job well. Thats the minimum to not get fired. So if someone is trying to figure out how/why some people seem to excel at many things in life, I bet they were in sports as child. It has a very lasting effect.

As far as general happiness and striving to be a better person, be happier and enjoy everything in life? Thats a bit more complicated. I've always been a very positive person, and happy in general. I "think" most of that is rooted in my upbringing in church, striving to be good and help others and always looking on the bright side for years then decades. It left its impression on me even though I'm not very religious today.

I will say the people i know who seem to not be happy, are typically hateful about many things. Politics, family, other people but it seems like they're just not happy with themselves and the former are symptoms of that. Volunteering, hobbies, setting goals can certainly help with that. Also, I can't stop recommending religion to people, especially the chronically miserable. I say this as someone who isn't very religious anymore too. There is something there, an inflection point so to speak with ones self that can be very beneficial to one's self.

Also, you are what you you subscribe to (Twitter, FB, Insta, forums etc..). It used to be said, you are the company you keep. Basically if you surround yourself with politics that make you miserable, news stories that make you miserable, people who make you miserable, etc.. guess what? You'll probably be miserable. Surround yourself with people, hobbies and things that make you happy and motivate you to make others happy.

 

[Deleted member 19365]

Hey Hero Protagonist , how are you doing?

 

[Deleted member 35509]

"I'd do nothing -> play games to feel like I'm doing something (though the stories gave me hope I still did actually nothing myself) -> get even less done because of games -> accumulate self disgust -> build a defense of ignoring my failings so I wouldn't feel the pain -> back to doing nothing."

Midramble, this is me, completely. So completely me, it's unreal to know someone else went through it.

Thanks HP. From personal experience, often it takes someone else not giving up on you to get the momentum to go yourself. Was the case for me.



Reboot it is. Again, lots of small steps adds up to a long distance.

Since today has a 50% chance to be my last day of posting until the end of April, I guess it would be appropriate to explain why posting here is important to me.

Due to early life events, I've always had a strong sense of never giving up on others but giving up on myself. I spent 25 years wanting to be better but never getting better. I moved to video games because it was synthetic achievement that filled my deep lack of self worth. This was a looping feedback system. I'd do nothing -> play games to feel like I'm doing something (though the stories gave me hope I still did actually nothing myself) -> get even less done because of games -> accumulate self disgust -> build a defense of ignoring my failings so I wouldn't feel the pain -> back to doing nothing.

Despite this I was smart enough to get good college placement for engineering but this behavior had me bomb out.

So I joined the military and started a career as a result, where I would transition jobs regularly because the same behavior would make everything build up until I couldn't handle it.

I also married my highschool sweetheart who stuck with me through everything. Knew my failings, my slow progress, my lack of self worth, but still stuck with me through all my empty promises for so many years. Until it became too much over the years and she left. Ghosting right as I deployed to Afghanistan.

This was the last person that believed in me. The last person that was willing to stick with me despite all the empty promises of "I'll work on it. I'll get better". Even that person had a breaking point.

That's when I hit rock bottom. In my mind no one believed I was capable of doing anything good, least of all me. My natural thought process was then to remove that burden from the world. On base you carry around a loaded firearm and for months I'd go to the bathroom, take out the magazine, put the barrel in my mouth or against my head and pull the trigger a few times. Eventually I got worn down and one night snuck out to our office so that I would have privacy. I loaded the M9, racked it to load a round in the chamber which pulled back the hammer, placed it against my head, paused and then instead pointed it at my chest. A lot of thoughts went through my head including everyone that would be torn apart by it and then justifying that they would get over it and be stronger and better for it. Then I began slowly squeezing the trigger. (if you don't know, when a pistol has it's hammer back, the trigger is much lighter. At this point you squeeze and you won't know when it will release. I did this so I wouldn't know when it is coming). It felt like an infinitely long trigger pull. I'd slowly squeeze more and more and it felt like it should have gone off long ago and as the moment is coming closer and closer and my adrenaline is ramping up my mind floods with thoughts and people faster and faster the closer I get to the "pop". Then my younger sister pops into my mind. She is 11 years younger than me. She also had a hard life and a lot of self doubt. She has also had friends that had permanently ended it. At that thought I paused. Then I hit a wall. I started getting angry telling myself "fuck it" trying to grit through it. Trying to get hyped up enough to keep going but she kept popping into my mind and I couldn't. I eased off, removed the magazine, ejected the round, bawled some more, and went back to my bunk. For months I hated myself for not being able to do it. (An interesting point that comes in a book I read later called A Long Way Down. Great black comedy about suicide). There would be attempts later when I came back from deployment (I got really good at tying nooses) but I always stopped at the same point and I realized I'd never have to guts to do it. Which again led to more self hatred. After a few years I went to Japan and met another woman. We got married and I felt like I had a new start, I also had a new job. But I started devolving into the same routing of things getting worse and worse and it threatened my new marriage. I couldn't do it again. My wife asked me to see a psychologist and I did. My wife kept with me for 3 years of getting worse before I went. But I got better. I started studying habit craft, self improvement, listening to audio books on the subject, diving through google and wikipedia, I learned a lot but still it was only knowledge and I wasn't making progress. The psychologist gave me micro steps of action. Things I avoided in my research because they seemed small and useless. "Only big change would get me out of this big trench" is what I thought. I was wrong. After 30 years, the only thing that worked was the tiniest of baby steps. I made a cup of coffee. Every morning a single cup of coffee. It was basically nothing, but it wasn't actually nothing. Even more so it was something consistent. That tiny fracture in my prison wall of bad habit and self hate was a vector of attack. On that habit I started journalling daily. I developed a mantra. A study habit. A workout habit. A cleaning routine, and so on. It was a crack so small in the wall of my cell it was basically unnoticeable, but chipping away at that crack consistently over time with consistent pressure made a bigger and bigger hole. As it got bigger I saw more and more light and it motivated me to dig deeper and faster and I still am to this day.

That is why I have to say something. I see people in their own prisons everywhere now and they can get out if they are convinced to keep chipping away. The least I can do is consistently show up and say "If you want, you can pick up that shovel and dig. Eventually you'll make it out". So that is what I will do.

Hero Protagonist, you can make it out. I absolutely promise you. It is a fact. That hope is never ever lost.

On a lighter note, H Protag is actually a writer. Her book is pretty good. I'm sure she has great advice for you to become a writer.

So if I stop posting in the next 10 minutes, goodluck Hero Protagonist If I can't post I hope others help you keep on. I'll be watching, so please keep posting. You inspire hope in me as well. Thank you for that.

Click to shrink...

Okay, thank you so much for laying your life out like this, completely bare. You're an inspiration and everything you say truly makes sense. Chipping away makes perfect sense. Everything you've said resonates, such as the moment you spoke about wanting to do big things at once instead of starting small. I always dive in, headstrong and try to accomplish a lot (like starting my exercises with an hour of running or writing 10 pages in a day). These always lead to me giving up because it becomes too much, too soon and I fail then go back to my cycle.

Gorlak , thanks for asking.

So, this is day 1 of the restart, "reboot" if you will. I made tea in the morning, wrote two sentences and have gone for a 15 minute walk. I want to do more but I'm going to keep it easy. Thanks everyone, every reply is inspirational in here.

I also ordered a notebook to write my thoughts, story ideas, anything in. Writing things out or speaking to people helps and as I work from home, this should help get some thoughts out.

 

[Ovaryactor]

Thank you both for doing this online, Hero Protagonist and Midramble.

I'm having a rough go rn, too, and this conversation/journey is helping me a lot!

 

[Deleted member 19365]

Great work Hero Protagonist let's start another streak :)

I'll ping you in midramble's place for the time being if that's okay

 

[H.Protagonist]

Thanks HP. From personal experience, often it takes someone else not giving up on you to get the momentum to go yourself. Was the case for me.



Reboot it is. Again, lots of small steps adds up to a long distance.

Since today has a 50% chance to be my last day of posting until the end of April, I guess it would be appropriate to explain why posting here is important to me.

Due to early life events, I've always had a strong sense of never giving up on others but giving up on myself. I spent 25 years wanting to be better but never getting better. I moved to video games because it was synthetic achievement that filled my deep lack of self worth. This was a looping feedback system. I'd do nothing -> play games to feel like I'm doing something (though the stories gave me hope I still did actually nothing myself) -> get even less done because of games -> accumulate self disgust -> build a defense of ignoring my failings so I wouldn't feel the pain -> back to doing nothing.

Despite this I was smart enough to get good college placement for engineering but this behavior had me bomb out.

So I joined the military and started a career as a result, where I would transition jobs regularly because the same behavior would make everything build up until I couldn't handle it.

I also married my highschool sweetheart who stuck with me through everything. Knew my failings, my slow progress, my lack of self worth, but still stuck with me through all my empty promises for so many years. Until it became too much over the years and she left. Ghosting right as I deployed to Afghanistan.

This was the last person that believed in me. The last person that was willing to stick with me despite all the empty promises of "I'll work on it. I'll get better". Even that person had a breaking point.

That's when I hit rock bottom. In my mind no one believed I was capable of doing anything good, least of all me. My natural thought process was then to remove that burden from the world. On base you carry around a loaded firearm and for months I'd go to the bathroom, take out the magazine, put the barrel in my mouth or against my head and pull the trigger a few times. Eventually I got worn down and one night snuck out to our office so that I would have privacy. I loaded the M9, racked it to load a round in the chamber which pulled back the hammer, placed it against my head, paused and then instead pointed it at my chest. A lot of thoughts went through my head including everyone that would be torn apart by it and then justifying that they would get over it and be stronger and better for it. Then I began slowly squeezing the trigger. (if you don't know, when a pistol has it's hammer back, the trigger is much lighter. At this point you squeeze and you won't know when it will release. I did this so I wouldn't know when it is coming). It felt like an infinitely long trigger pull. I'd slowly squeeze more and more and it felt like it should have gone off long ago and as the moment is coming closer and closer and my adrenaline is ramping up my mind floods with thoughts and people faster and faster the closer I get to the "pop". Then my younger sister pops into my mind. She is 11 years younger than me. She also had a hard life and a lot of self doubt. She has also had friends that had permanently ended it. At that thought I paused. Then I hit a wall. I started getting angry telling myself "fuck it" trying to grit through it. Trying to get hyped up enough to keep going but she kept popping into my mind and I couldn't. I eased off, removed the magazine, ejected the round, bawled some more, and went back to my bunk. For months I hated myself for not being able to do it. (An interesting point that comes in a book I read later called A Long Way Down. Great black comedy about suicide). There would be attempts later when I came back from deployment (I got really good at tying nooses) but I always stopped at the same point and I realized I'd never have to guts to do it. Which again led to more self hatred. After a few years I went to Japan and met another woman. We got married and I felt like I had a new start, I also had a new job. But I started devolving into the same routing of things getting worse and worse and it threatened my new marriage. I couldn't do it again. My wife asked me to see a psychologist and I did. My wife kept with me for 3 years of getting worse before I went. But I got better. I started studying habit craft, self improvement, listening to audio books on the subject, diving through google and wikipedia, I learned a lot but still it was only knowledge and I wasn't making progress. The psychologist gave me micro steps of action. Things I avoided in my research because they seemed small and useless. "Only big change would get me out of this big trench" is what I thought. I was wrong. After 30 years, the only thing that worked was the tiniest of baby steps. I made a cup of coffee. Every morning a single cup of coffee. It was basically nothing, but it wasn't actually nothing. Even more so it was something consistent. That tiny fracture in my prison wall of bad habit and self hate was a vector of attack. On that habit I started journalling daily. I developed a mantra. A study habit. A workout habit. A cleaning routine, and so on. It was a crack so small in the wall of my cell it was basically unnoticeable, but chipping away at that crack consistently over time with consistent pressure made a bigger and bigger hole. As it got bigger I saw more and more light and it motivated me to dig deeper and faster and I still am to this day.

That is why I have to say something. I see people in their own prisons everywhere now and they can get out if they are convinced to keep chipping away. The least I can do is consistently show up and say "If you want, you can pick up that shovel and dig. Eventually you'll make it out". So that is what I will do.

Hero Protagonist, you can make it out. I absolutely promise you. It is a fact. That hope is never ever lost.

On a lighter note, H Protag is actually a writer. Her book is pretty good. I'm sure she has great advice for you to become a writer.

So if I stop posting in the next 10 minutes, goodluck Hero Protagonist If I can't post I hope others help you keep on. I'll be watching, so please keep posting. You inspire hope in me as well. Thank you for that.

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"Only big change would get me out of this big trench" is what I thought. I was wrong.

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This part really stood out to me. You're so right, and it's inspiring to hear what you went through and how you escaped the cycle. I'll remember that for my own doldrum moments, and for others who are struggling.

And thanks. <3 I had no idea anyone here even knew about my book except the Writing regulars. If OP ever wants to do a jam or a mini-write, I'd be game to help. I'm having a lot of fun in Twine right now, and they might too~

 

[Deleted member 19066]

You get real sick of this shit. So much so that failing to do something different over and over is preferable to succeeding at doing the same thing over and over. You stop failing as much or as hard, eventually.

 

[Deleted member 35509]

This part really stood out to me. You're so right, and it's inspiring to hear what you went through and how you escaped the cycle. I'll remember that for my own doldrum moments, and for others who are struggling.

And thanks. <3 I had no idea anyone here even knew about my book except the Writing regulars. If OP ever wants to do a jam or a mini-write, I'd be game to help. I'm having a lot of fun in Twine right now, and they might too~

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H.Protagonist , it's screenwriting so it might be a little different. Would you mind reading some of my stuff later, for plot advice?

You get real sick of this shit. So much so that failing to do something different over and over is preferable to succeeding at doing the same thing over and over. You stop failing as much or as hard, eventually.

Click to shrink...

This makes sense. I got bored at my old jobs and quit all the time.

 

[weemadarthur]

OP, we don't have a lot of screenwriting specialists, but I think we do have some? We also have shared advice and beta reading etc. And motivation buddies if you need someone while midramble is on hiatus.

https://www.resetera.com/threads/writersera-ot-publish-before-you-die.369/

 

[Deleted member 19365]

How was your weekend Hero Protagonist ?

 

[Deleted member 19365]

There is no shame in starting again. The important thing is to keep trying. I'm neither as eloquent as Midramble nor do I share the bond you have with him, but I'll keep popping up here. He's watching and cheering you on Hero Protagonist. Remember his words:

Hero Protagonist, you can make it out. I absolutely promise you. It is a fact. That hope is never ever lost.

Click to shrink...

 

[Deleted member 40631]

djvsdvnfsn

 

[onion]

do something you love for a job and you'll never 'work' again.

 

[H.Protagonist]

H.Protagonist , it's screenwriting so it might be a little different. Would you mind reading some of my stuff later, for plot advice?



This makes sense. I got bored at my old jobs and quit all the time.

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I'm not really familiar with screenwriting, but I can have a gander. :D Do you have an outline so I can see the arc/progression? Also, as weemadarthur suggested, there's lots of great advice/motivation to be had in the Writing OT and a few screenwriters. Join us! It's definitely the place to be to get yourself moving on writing + you can prep for NaNoWriMo~

 

[rein]

The best time to start something was 10 years ago. The second best time is right now.

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Nice

Personally what keeps me going is picturing myself having what i'm working for. Think of how good it would feel if you accomplished the goals you set out. It's good to have one major goal that will take a while to complete and smaller goals that help you progress and make you feel like you're doing something productive. For instance if you want to save money for a big purchase you can make a daily goal of not eating out, or walking to work to save gas.

It's easier said than done of course, but if you keep trying you will make more progress than not trying at all.

 

[Deleted member 35509]

Days 2-4, definitely met my goal, not going to increase it. Still have plenty of hours when I'm down in the dumps but watching some good films to re-inspire me has helped. Thanks again everyone.

I think as far as writing, I just let it flow out. I have a lot of notes written but I don't do outlines, it's just best for me to get into the headspace, become each character (carry their quirks, strengths and weaknesses with me) and let the dialogue write itself. Might be a bad way of writing but...I think art should be whatever you want it to be if that makes sense. I've read plenty of books on screenwriting and I'm not following any of their rules. Their guidelines are in my head but only the basics matter to me, there's too many books who say their way is the best way. Ridiculous to me.

Except FilmCritHulk's book, he's brilliant and basically says to follow your own structure.

H.Protagonist , what's NaNoWriMo?

 

[Deleted member 35509]

Day 5: Wrote, walked, met goals. Watched Criterion Channel all day and took a nap. Haven't touched the Xbox.

 

[Deleted member 19365]

.

So if I stop posting in the next 10 minutes, goodluck @Hero Protagonist If I can't post I hope others help you keep on. I'll be watching, so please keep posting. You inspire hope in me as well. Thank you for that.

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Midramble Are you doing fine? I know you'll be back in two weeks or so. You're long post with that brutal honesty left an impression. Thank you.

 

[weemadarthur]

How's your week been?