How do you tell your SO you wanna have sex with other people?

astro · Apr 30, 2019

Red Liquorice said:
People are fighting their corner like what's going on in the OPs relationship is a reflection on their own. In the immortal words of Cameo's Rigor Mortis:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wz13jZaDOPc&t=2m35s

As long as everyone involved is on the same page and open about their intentions and desires, then no one should have a problem with someone elses definition of a relationship. People in open relationships aren't sluts looking to 'have their cake and eat it' and people in monogamous relationships aren't prudes looking to emulate heteronormative roles. I find both these takes extremely patronising.

My take on the OP's situation is that the honeymoon of moving in together has worn off and that's probably triggering feelings that already exist. OP you admit to enjoying the "thrill of the hunt" and flirting, the new - this isn't uncommon. But you must talk to your partner about it. You don't sound like you want to break-up at this point - even though some people might be foreseeing any opening up of the relationship as a stepping stone to just that, know one knows that, it could have the opposite effect. But not communicating about it probably will result in a break-up because your resentment will probably only grow, and your partner will sense that distance (if he hasn't already). Be honest, maybe he feels the same way? That it's got a bit stale. You don't have to jump in to the deep end right away, you could just try discussing fantasies you each have that you haven't yet explored together and take it from there. If you do want to be together, make it work within what else you want to do in life, both of you. Don't sit him down with the "I've got something to tell you..." stuff, that gets people worried and on the defensive right away. Have a night in with a glass of wine and chat about stuff as you watch a movie or something, don't make it bigger than it is, because you haven't even made up your mind about anything yet, you're just exploring what's in your head that involves your partner.

We all make our own rules in relationships, none of us are bound to any pre-existing roles (either poly or monogamous) unless that's what we want. "What's good for you, might not be good for me".

You do realise that the people saying "closed-minded" are not calling out people who are happily in monogamous relationhips, right? And that they're calling out posts like "break up now".

Servbot24 · Apr 30, 2019

astro said:
Imagine your SO reading you saying "I would dump her on the spot" if she spoke to you about the possibility of an open relationship. Even if she would never do that, that would probably be hurtful to her that she couldn't approach you to talk about something honestly.

That was what I found disrespectful, it's perfectly okay to not be equipped for a specific kind of relationship. I don't think I could be in a monogamous one again, I'm not built for it any more.

Hmm, that phrasing didn't strike me as harsh but I can see how it might come off that way. Of course if this actually happened I would have a discussion with her, but I don't see how it could end in any way other than parting ways.

LordDraven · Apr 30, 2019

Leo said:
Title says it all. What does ERA think about open relationships? Is it okay to wanna have sex with other people and still want to share a life with your partner? Just to be clear, cheating is off the table, I'm asking about a consensual agreement.

In my case in particular, I've been in a monogamous relationship for about 3 years, and we have been living together for about 5 months now. Living with him has been a positive experience overall, I really enjoy his company, we don't fight much, and are usually able to solve our disagreements by talking. Its not a fairy tale like we are soulmates or anything, we have many differences but we have been through a lot together at this point, always helping each other, and we have a strong sense of partnership. So I'd say our love is pretty grounded, and I think that's what real love feels like.

BUT I have to say I've been bored by the sex for a while now, and I'm a very sexual person. I have found myself many times wanting to masturbate instead of having sex with him, just because porn can always be different, I can see different people, different fantasies, etc, and with him it's always the same thing. I wanna touch different bodies, feel the thrill of undressing someone for the first time. I've always liked the thrill of the hunt, the flirting, feeling sexy, and before I started dating him I was very very out there and I miss it, sometimes I feel like I left this part of myself behind. And I'm still just 28. Just now I was at the gym and there is this freaking hot guy there that might be throwing looks at me for weeks and damn I wish I could play this game again, lord knows I'm good at it.

We have talked more than a few times about threesomes and it's something we are both up to, but just never had to courage to actually make it happen. We even talked about hooking up with other people by ourselves, but as a fantasy, never seriously. So I feel like I can make it happen if I want to, but: 1- how the hell do I ask him this and 2- is this really a normal thing to feel, or is it gonna destroy my relationship?

C'mon, ERA, hit me with your worst.

Don't be selfish

Deleted member 15737 · Apr 30, 2019

Servbot24 said:
Yep, I respect her a ton. I also respect myself, and having been cheated on in the past I should not have to deal with constantly wondering if she was sleeping with someone else.

I would be happy that she was honest with me, and would say that we both need to move on.

Right, so in both scenarios, telling the partner and being honest is the right call. Shocking lol.

astro · Apr 30, 2019

IsaOfTheWorlds said:
Well, I was saying that in jest.

The serious, no-trimmings point really is that I think a relationship well founded on love is more important than them seeking out this sexual encounter. If their SO consents, great, but if not, I would definitely not recommend leaving them for the sex.

Maybe I'm leaning too hard into my own personal beliefs, though, and I'm not exactly a super sexual person, so perhaps it'd be healthier for OP to leave their SO. My very firm personal belief, though, is that they should just tell their SO and seek consent, and if there is no consent given, move on; I think the relationship is more important.

"Founded in love" is wishy washy platitudes.

Healthy relationships are built on honesty. Honesty with yourself and your partner(s). Love is about self love too, if you're in a relationship suppressing you actual desires and needs it's probably going to do more harm in the long run.

Trying to separate what a person desires with some kind of "true love" is not possible, it's all intertwined.

Servbot24 said:
Hmm, that phrasing didn't strike me as harsh but I can see how it might come off that way. Of course if this actually happened I would have a discussion with her, but I don't see how it could end in any way other than parting ways.

Cool, that's a level headed response I can get with.

Red Liquorice · Apr 30, 2019

astro said:
You do realise that the people saying "closed-minded" are not calling out people who are happily in monogamous relationhips, right? And that they're calling out posts like "break up now".

I thought I was being quite even-handed and trying not to lay blame on any one 'side', but you may not have realised it.

NecroTechno · Apr 30, 2019

astro said:
"Founded in love" is wishy washy platitudes.

Healthy relationships are built on honesty. Honesty with yourself and your partner(s). Love is about self love too, if you're in a relationship suppressing you actual desires and needs it's probably going to do more harm in the long run.

Trying to separate what a person desires with some kind of "true love" is not possible, it's all intertwined.

Cool, that's a level headed response I can get with.

I agree with every point in this post.

astro · Apr 30, 2019

Red Liquorice said:
I thought I was being quite even-handed and trying not to lay blame on any one 'side', but you may not have realised it.

I honestly cannot see how you could possibly read it that way, but agree to disagree at this point.

Red Liquorice · Apr 30, 2019

astro said:
I honestly cannot see how you could possibly read it that way, but agree to disagree at this point.

I don't even know what you're talking about now. You might be quoting the wrong person.

NecroTechno · Apr 30, 2019

Red Liquorice said:
We all make our own rules in relationships, none of us are bound to any pre-existing roles (either poly or monogamous) unless that's what we want.

I disagree with this in the sense that societal expectations and pressures exist. Poly relationships are pretty taboo in our culture (and as such, we get threads like this with plenty of misinformation flying around). For me, in all seriousness, telling my family about the non-traditional structures of my romantic relationships was more difficult for them to digest than the fact that I was queer.

astro · Apr 30, 2019

Red Liquorice said:
I don't even know what you're talking about now. You might be quoting the wrong person.

I meant "read the thread" that way. Again though, let's agree to disagree as we'll just be going in circles.

Teriyaki Blues · Apr 30, 2019

Coming at this from an entirely different perspective, but have you considered that maybe you actually enjoy the "new relationship high"? Maybe even more than having sex with a new person? Love and relationship addition is a real thing. I've watched a few of friends of mine get absolutely crushed by marrying and eventually divorcing people that love "the chase". Because of that, parts of the original post really stood out to me, mostly the second half of the third paragraph. If I'm totally off base here, feel free to disregard.

There's nothing wrong with spicing up your love life or opening your relationship, of course. Technically my relationship is open, but neither of us have ever acted on it more than enjoying some live adult entertainment together. Open and honest communication, making sure everything is consensual, balancing the needs and wants of everyone involved, those are all important. It is also important to have the conversation in an environment where there's absolutely no sexual pressure or activity currently. You've mentioned talking about a threesome with your partner "in the heat of the moment", but you need to have this kind of conversation in a totally unsexy environment/moment. I wish you luck!

Red Liquorice · Apr 30, 2019

astro said:
I meant "read the thread" that way. Again though, let's agree to disagree as we'll just be going in circles.

I don't even know what we've disagreed on yet. (???) You just jumped on my post and sang 'let's call the whole thing off!'

NecroTechno said:
I disagree with this in the sense that societal expectations and pressures exist. Poly relationships are pretty taboo in our culture (and as such, we get threads like this with plenty of misinformation flying around). For me, in all seriousness, telling my family about the non-traditional structures of my romantic relationships was more difficult for them to digest than the fact that I was queer.

Ergo, we agree. Pre-existing norms exist, but we are not bound to them. I understand your point, I'm not disagreeing.

Error 52 · Apr 30, 2019

You need it to come up naturally, so just start banging people left and right until he catches you.

Fandorin · Apr 30, 2019

Mewshuji said:
The amount of conservative mindset in this thread is shocking. There was exactly one "break up" post that gave a decent reason for it, the rest is puritanical "my purity" nonsense.

"Progressive Era" lol. Almost sounds like an Evangelical community itt with the heavy judging. Shame on all of you. This coming from someone who probably couldn't handle an open relationship.

Yup. Thread is embarrassing for this. ERA seems full of prude moralists that can't even fathom having an actual open relationship.

Even those saying OP should have "talked about it" at the start of the relationship are completely missing the point: that was literally 5 years ago. No one should be expected to know how and what you'll FEEL 5 years from now.

astro · Apr 30, 2019

Red Liquorice said:
I don't even know what we've disagreed on yet. (???) You just jumped on my post and sang 'let's call the whole thing off!'

My original post in response to yours is clear what I'm talking about I thought....

"People in open relationships aren't sluts looking to 'have their cake and eat it' and people in monogamous relationships aren't prudes looking to emulate heteronormative roles. I find both these takes extremely patronising. "

The latter is not happening the way you're framing it, it's more that those people are responding to the closed-minded posts being dismissive of poly relationships... not looking down on monogamous people.

Netherscourge · Apr 30, 2019

IMO, there is no such thing as open relationships.

One person will always feel pressured to agree to the situation because they don't want to lose you. But the reality is they want you for themselves.

Either commit or walk.

Don't pressure your S.O. into an ultimatum. It's not fair.

pizoxuat · Apr 30, 2019

When my ex asked to open our marriage, I felt personal pressure to be open to the possibility because I am a progressive person, but honestly, I am monogamous and I was not ok with it, I didn't want it. It didn't work out. In my current relationship we had the conversation very early on that neither one of us want to introduce more people into the equation through threesomes, swinging, opening the relationship, or any other avenue because that's not how we are wired and that's been a relief.

If you are having a sexual compatibility mismatch that's definitely a problem to be addressed and it may turn out that hey, things are great in every other way but this thing is worth breaking up over. Just be honest about it and break up the honorable way if that's how it goes down, yeah?

Fulminator · Apr 30, 2019

so many condescending posts in this thread jfc

love how people with no knowledge of op and his relationship aside from this post are saying things like "you don't love him op"

like fuck off lol

Anyways, just be honest OP and I hope things go well for you

Browser · Apr 30, 2019

Take a step by step approach, try spicing up sex with him first, figure out if he has any fantasies, etc. Then go back to the threeaome idea he seems to be into, and if you are still not fulfilled with sex with him make that decision if its worth it to stay with him, if it is bring the open relationship idea knowwing this may bring the end of the relationship.

Deleted member 15737 · Apr 30, 2019

Netherscourge said:
IMO, there is no such thing as open relationships.

One person will always feel pressured to agree to the situation because they don't want to lose you. But the reality is they want you for themselves.

Either commit or walk.

Don't pressure your S.O. into an ultimatum. It's not fair.

What? There is no such thing? That sure is a take.

Deleted member 5549 · Apr 30, 2019

Thales Targaryen said:
This comes off as dismissive honestly, I'm as atheist as they come and I prefer monogamy. It's not about following religion for me and many others. Both monogamy and open relationships can work, depending on what people want, so yeah, communication is indeed key and that is the only way OP is gonna solve this.

you're missing my point, I'm not saying monogamy is a religious thing. I'm saying many base it on something people came up with a long time ago. things have changed since then and communicating your fears and desires is more important than putting a mono/poly-gamy sticker on your relationship.

you're pretty vocal about having/wanting a monogamous relationship. you never said what that means to you.

Meows · Apr 30, 2019

I don't see that going well in most relationships unless you talked about it from the very beginning. I would personally be extremely insulted if my boyfriend of five years brought that up to me. But you've also joked about it in the past, so who knows, maybe it could work but that doesn't seem worth the risk at all imho.

Netherscourge · Apr 30, 2019

Nicktals said:
What? There is no such thing? That sure is a take.

Hence why I started with IMO.

Red Liquorice · Apr 30, 2019

astro said:
My original post in response to yours is clear what I'm talking about I thought....

I understood the words you wrote. I didn't see how it related to what you quoted. It seemed like you might've taken umbrage with one specific part of my post without seeing it in the bigger context - which was that relationships are unique and my rules aren't your rules and neither is better or worse than the other. I understand, as you earlier said, that you are heated from other peoples posts in the thread, I attempted not to take an existing side specifically in the argument, but it felt like I got hit by crossfire any way!

Kunka Kid · Apr 30, 2019

Just break up!

Mr. X · Apr 30, 2019

I am sympathetic to the OP but is this something you are now learning about yourself?

astro · Apr 30, 2019

Red Liquorice said:
I understood the words you wrote. I didn't see how it related to what you quoted. It seemed like you might've taken umbrage with one specific part of my post without seeing it in the bigger context - which was that relationships are unique and my rules aren't your rules and neither is better or worse than the other. I understand, as you earlier said, that you are heated from other peoples posts in the thread, I attempted not to take an existing side specifically in the argument, but it felt like I got hit by crossfire any way!

I don#'t know how to be clearer here, that part of your post, like Hydro's, doesn't reflect the content of the thread it's attempting to frame. That's all.

Snake Eater · Apr 30, 2019

More than 50% of marriages end in divorce, you want to have sex with other people, you can still love someone but no longer get turned on by them. It's natural

Red Liquorice · Apr 30, 2019

astro said:
I don#'t know how to be clearer here, that part of your post, like Hydro's, doesn't reflect the content of the thread it's attempting to frame. That's all.

Okay. :) [non-patronishing smile]

Deleted member 15737 · Apr 30, 2019

Netherscourge said:
Hence why I started with IMO.

Yes, and I was saying it was a really weird opinion.

NecroTechno · Apr 30, 2019

Netherscourge said:
IMO, there is no such thing as open relationships.

One person will always feel pressured to agree to the situation because they don't want to lose you. But the reality is they want you for themselves.

Either commit or walk.

Don't pressure your S.O. into an ultimatum. It's not fair.

Already mentioned this earlier in the thread, but my current partner and I both entered into the relationship with it open from the beginning.

And then we ceased to exist!

whitehawk · Apr 30, 2019

It can work.

I've been the third person in a threesome with two different couples. It really destigmatized the idea of an open relationship for new. We were all very open about things and talked about it and everyone had amazing sex.

I'm seeing a new couple this Friday. Biggest thing is talking about boundaries. Also, do you want to explore together or play separately as well? Lots of things to talk about.

Good luck. If you can swing it and make it work you're in for some amazing sex.

DrewFu · Apr 30, 2019

I would break up with my GF if that were the case for me. If I honestly wanted to be with other people, it would be time for me to move on.

astro · Apr 30, 2019

Netherscourge said:
IMO, there is no such thing as open relationships.

One person will always feel pressured to agree to the situation because they don't want to lose you. But the reality is they want you for themselves.

Either commit or walk.

Don't pressure your S.O. into an ultimatum. It's not fair.

Complete nonsense, lol.

Please don't put your own insecurities on to others.

Cosmo Kramer · Apr 30, 2019

I would bail out if sex is bad, i've been with my wife since we were 16, married for 15 years now, sex is better than ever. We've always been really compatible sexually. I can't imagine being in a relationship were sex is not a big part, specially at your age, i'm 39 btw.

Don't try to "fix" things by bringing more people to the equation, just be honest with yourself and with him, just say to him what you said in the OP.

Deleted member 5127 · Apr 30, 2019

halfbeast said:
you're missing my point, I'm not saying monogamy is a religious thing. I'm saying many base it on something people came up with a long time ago. things have changed since then and communicating your fears and desires is more important than putting a mono/poly-gamy sticker on your relationship.

you're pretty vocal about having/wanting a monogamous relationship. you never said what that means to you.

I don't disagree there.

To me it simply means being exclusive to each other, romantically and physically.

LosDaddie · Apr 30, 2019

The answer is always the same; Communication

Don't be afraid. Talk to your partner about your wants & needs. If yours & hers are so diametrically opposed, then it's probably best to break up. That's the reality of the situation.

Personally, I occasionally joke about wanting to smash a few of my wife's hot friends with her. Usually when our group is out on the town together at bars/clubs drinking & dancing. But She shutdown the 3some talk a long time 🙁

Mewshuji said:
The amount of conservative mindset in this thread is shocking. There was exactly one "break up" post that gave a decent reason for it, the rest is puritanical "my purity" nonsense.

"Progressive Era" lol. Almost sounds like an Evangelical community itt with the heavy judging. Shame on all of you. This coming from someone who probably couldn't handle an open relationship.

Era is probably the only place that wouldn't call itself progressive.

Netherscourge · Apr 30, 2019

astro said:
Complete nonsense, lol.

Please don't put your own insecurities on to others.

/sigh

I proposed my opinion for 1 reason:

Because someone else's SO may have the same opinion. And if you approach them with this kind of...uh... request, you'll forever change the relationship - even if you decide not to make any changes and commit to them. They'll know you have the thought in your head and they'll always wonder if you're bored with them. You're forcing THEM to bear the burden of your desires at that point.

Hey, if they are like-minded and want to open things up, great. But that's not my experience, and many other people may be killing their relationship if they even suggest it.

Has nothing to do with insecurity. Some people don't share the same desires.

Feel free to ignore my advice! I figured every angle should be explored though, to make sure all possibilities are considered.

Vish · Apr 30, 2019

Why don't you try swinging first? Go on swingerslifestyle.com, and swap with a couple that both of you like. Don't take one for the team either, find one that you both like.

johancruijff · Apr 30, 2019

you cheat

Deleted member 15737 · Apr 30, 2019

Cosmo Kramer said:
I would bail out if sex is bad, i've been with my wife since we were 16, married for 15 years now, sex is better than ever. We've always been really compatible sexually. I can't imagine being in a relationship were sex is not a big part, specially at your age, i'm 39 btw.

Don't try to "fix" things by bringing more people to the equation, just be honest with yourself and with him, just say to him what you said in the OP.

Everything you said could be said of someone in an open marriage. 39, together and married a long time, great sex, super compatible sexually, sex is a big part, etc...Most lifestyle couples will attest that they had good sex lives that got GREAT after opening up.

EDIT: I misread part of what you said, so dont bother responding lol. I'm gonna leave it as is, but I didnt read it right.

astro · Apr 30, 2019

Netherscourge said:
/sigh

I proposed my opinion for 1 reason:

Because someone else's SO may have the same opinion. And if you approach them with this kind of...uh... request, you'll forever change the relationship - even if you decide not to make any changes and commit to them. They'll know you have the thought in your head and they'll always wonder if you're bored with them. You're forcing THEM to bear the burden of your desires at that point.

Hey, if they are like-minded and want to open things up, great. But that's not my experience, and many other people may be killing their relationship if they even suggest it.

Has nothing to do with insecurity. Some people don't share the same desires.

Feel free to ignore my advice! I figured every angle should be explored though, to make sure all possibilities are considered.

No, what you did was make an immature generalization using your own insecurities as a base for everyone.

You are 100% wrong in your assessment: healthy open-relationships absolutely exist, it doesn't matter what your personal experience is here, saying "there is no such thing" is pure ignorance.

Perhaps look at your original post again. It's perfectly okay to not be built for poly lifestyles, but that't not what you wrote.

Deleted member 5549 · Apr 30, 2019

Netherscourge said:
/sigh

I proposed my opinion for 1 reason:

Because someone else's SO may have the same opinion. And if you approach them with this kind of...uh... request, you'll forever change the relationship - even if you decide not to make any changes and commit to them. They'll know you have the thought in your head and they'll always wonder if you're bored with them. You're forcing THEM to bear the burden of your desires at that point.

Hey, if they are like-minded and want to open things up, great. But that's not my experience, and many other people may be killing their relationship if they even suggest it.

Has nothing to do with insecurity. Some people don't share the same desires.

Feel free to ignore my advice! I figured every angle should be explored though, to make sure all possibilities are considered.

if suggesting it kills the relationship so does keeping it to yourself. one way or another the relationship's over at this point, no?

CarterTax · Apr 30, 2019

I personally have no desire for an open rltp so I will refrain from giving a personal opinion and instead discuss how the three gay couples who I know have (had) open relationships all ended in disaster. Most times one wants it and the other one doesn't, but the other one agrees since finding a man to fall in love with you and grow old is difficult.

Time goes on and the one who was never on board now has to contend with the man that they love having sex with other men, while also dealing with the internal fact that they think they're losing him. End result — disaster.

So if you decide to I would be absolutely sure your guy is okay with it, and also be sure you're okay if this signals the beginning of the end of your relationship. I would suggest other things so it seems as if you're keen on this idea of other partners.

Godspeed and Good Luck

Tygre · Apr 30, 2019

Montresor said:
You are shocked that the majority of people are into monogamy and feel like the OP's partner will also be into monogamy? Am I understanding you correctly? You think monogamy is a conservative stance?

I think you're totally totally off your rocker.

Edit: Just want to set the record straight that there is unequivocally nothing wrong with liking monogamy. I'm floored that it's being painted with the dirty "conservative" word.

Supporting monogamy over and above other forms of relationship is a deeply, deeply conservative stance.

People in here criticising the idea of open relationships working are being judgmental, narrow minded, and traditionally conservative.

Nobody is saying everyone should want to be in an open relationship. Plenty of people are saying: monogamy or bust.

Netherscourge said:
/sigh

I proposed my opinion for 1 reason:

This "oh, I just posted MY OPINION" bullshit is so tired.

Try saying "IMO, there is no such thing as gay relationships." or "IMO, there is no such thing as interracial relationships." and see how far it gets you.

Open relationships are just as valid and worthy as whatever monogamous shit you want to be stuck with. Dismissing them, and the people in them, is trash, and you KNOW it's trash because you wont even defend your own opinion.

LegendofJoe · Apr 30, 2019

I want to echo the folks saying that people change. My wife for example was polyamorous before she moved to a new city and met me. However, when we started dating she never had the expectation that we would have an open relationship. And for the longest time I doubted whether that was true or not and whether I was 'enough' for her.

So finally I directly asked her about it and she more or less told me that she didn't want anyone else and hasn't since we first met. She changed, she went from being polyamorous to monogamous. That said I'd be foolish to expect either of us to not change even more as we age.

For example I'm open to threesomes and couples play. My wife is receptive to a threesome, but isn't with couples play. That may change one day, but in the meantime we experiment a lot together. That's enough for me now, but down the road that may change and it's okay. I'm willing to work with her, and she is willing to work with me, and we both respect each other enough to not push each other too far, too fast. Being open and honest, willing to try new things, and just enjoying the fact that your partner will change and so will you are the keys to a lasting relationship.

Tunichtgut · Apr 30, 2019

This is a road you have to go alone, and find what suits you the best. To be honest, i wouldn't really listen to people here. I have tried it, from beginning, but that didn't work for me, i am that kind of person who would rather like to open a relationship with time, when trust is built and you know your partner very well. But i also have slept with many guys who are in OR, and not everyone is really happy, but i have seen guys who really are. So, good luck to you!

Murdock · Apr 30, 2019

Be honest with her and don't make the mistake I did. I came home one night and my future wife said my upper lip smells like another woman's bumhole. I was like babe, that just sum bad breath, but she knew. I apologized and we still together

nayriee · Apr 30, 2019

Why is it largly women want open relationships, i could never do this personally - if im with a boy, its just us two.

Like its not even "conservative" its just not being gross, hurtful and selfish.

Rarely do these sort of situations end well and that's because while youre off sleeping w multiple boys he'll be largely on his own, unless hes into being a cuckold.

Sorry, but grow up?

How do you tell your SO you wanna have sex with other people?

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