How do you deal with unwanted people in your life

[Oliver James]

Back in college I made a very good friend. We were classmates so it was easy for us to spend time a lot, and we also go home from school because we live in the same direction.

After graduation, we still regularly hung out and stayed in touch via social media. Through the years he was in dire need of money, since he wasn't well-off, neither was I but I had more to share so whenever he asked to borrow money, I lent him. These grew so frequent he stopped attending our hangouts because he grew embarassed. I assured him he can pay the money whenever he wants, and I truly meant that, and I wanted him to still go to the hangouts because his friendship is more important to me than money, and I apply this to everyone I know.

But fast forward to the recent years, he suddenly developed appalling extremist views, tolerating and even advocating hate on social media. I tried engaging and telling him that what he's saying isn't right, but nah, he still posted hateful stuff left and right. So I unfollowed him and eventually I dropped my account, not solely because of him but that also contributed.

We are friends in multiple different online games, after that he would try and chat me and invite me to games but I never reply. His girlfriend is pregnant and I have a sneaking suspicion he wants me to be part of his wedding and his child's life but I want no part of it.

Am I wrong for throwing it all away? I'm sick of what he has become and unless he changes I don't think I'll ever let him back in my life. Have you ever been in the same position?

 

[Biestmann]

If I had remained friends with everyone I ever was, I'd have a whole army of them now. Friends come and go, and you had perfectly fine reasons to drop this booger's ass.

 

[CanUKlehead]

Yeah, and whilst it's never so simple, I had to let go of some people.

Gotta learn to let go sometimes.

 

[Manmademan]

Am I wrong for throwing it all away? I'm sick of what he has become and unless he changes I don't think I'll ever let him back in my life. Have you ever been in the same position?

Click to shrink...

Absolutely not. Some people are friends because they made sense at a certain time of your life. You eventually grew in different directions and there is no shame in cutting the cord.

 

[Zojirushi]

Time to get your money back and then ghost.

 

[Makoto Yuki]

Time to get your money back and then ghost.

Click to shrink...

If he doesn't pay you back, more reason to ghost.

 

[EVIL]

Did you tell him you dont want him in your life anymore straight up? instead of just ghosting him?

It should be fine to tell him your opinion changed on him and that you no longer can see him as a friend and for him to please leave you alone.

cutting off friendships is fine, but ghosting I find a bit weak, at least deal with it like a grownup and tell him straight up. but that might just be me. you do you.

 

[EddyLovesTunaRolls]

Write the money off as a loss if you even care about the money (You probably don't) and consider that person a distant memory. You're not wrong for doing what you did.

 

[Kuribo’s Shoe]

When they turn like that I ghost them. Even my best man from my wedding. My longest childhood friend. I can't stand it, but it's been close to a decade, and my life is easier.

 

[chezzymann]

wait until you get the money, be fake for a bit and pretend you still like him so he'll give it to you, then leave

 

[Cyborg009]

Yeah I need cut some people off because clashing views during the elections and honestly I need to do some more. Also you don't owe him them an explanation either.

 

[MrRob]

Did you tell him you dont want him in your life anymore straight up? instead of just ghosting him?

It should be fine to tell him your opinion changed on him and that you no longer can see him as a friend and for him to please leave you alone.

cutting off friendships is fine, but ghosting I find a bit weak, at least deal with it like a grownup and tell him straight up. but that might just be me. you do you.

Click to shrink...

This is the correct way to handle the situation. This person needs to know that being a shitty person with shitty views is costing him relationships

 

[Deleted member 24079]

Ghost powers activate.

 

[Dan Thunder]

I've had friends at Uni where I thought we'd be friends for life as we had so much in common who I've not seen or spoken to in years.

People drift apart whether through action or inaction, there's nothing wrong with letting friendships die and certainly nothing wrong with letting them fizzle out rather than flat our telling them you don't want them in your life.

 

[julia crawford]

Like the words of a great american poet, drop it like it's hot.

 

[Buckle]

This is the correct way to handle the situation. This person needs to know that being a shitty person with shitty views is costing him relationships

Click to shrink...

This is the way to do it even if its just in a text message or online private message.

Just tell him you cant be friends anymore if he wont change.

 

[geomon]

Easily

they are eliminated

 

[Soliloquy of a Dogge]

I eat them.

 

[Darren Lamb]

I formally broke up with a friend. I felt like an asshole at the time, he wasn't a bad person by any stretch but I just hadn't enjoyed hanging out with him for a long time, including the prior two years we lived together. It sort of felt like a relationship that kept up because he made an effort and I didn't have a lot of other options, never seemed like it was a good match for us. As much as I think it hurt him, I wasn't a good friend to him by the end.

No regrets at all, though. You shouldn't resent your friends

 

[Hallucinations]

Is he like an alt-lighter or something?

 

[LifeIsKillingMe]

Friends are like beliefs/opinions; when new information about them is brought to your attention, it's OK to change them.

 

[Deleted member 3082]

👻

Life is too short for people who hold toxic, extremist views, people who flip out over tiny things, people who treat you in a way you'd never treat them. I spent huge chunks of my life dealing with family drama to the point that I was getting dragged down with them, and I apply the lessons learned there to friendships now. You have to learn to let go and the most painless way to do that is to just fade away. The important people, the ones who matter, will make it a point to stay in touch.

 

[Joe White]

Am I wrong for throwing it all away? I'm sick of what he has become and unless he changes I don't think I'll ever let him back in my life. Have you ever been in the same position?

Click to shrink...

Nope, toxic people affect everyone they came in contact with. And keeping him in your life provides platform and connections to spread that toxicity.

 

[Benz On Dubz]

As directly as possible:

 

[I am a Bird]

Just tell him exactly why he will do the rest

 

[infinitebento]

carve them out of your life and move on

 

[Wreckord Collection]

Depending on how much this is weighing on your mind, it might* be worth telling this person what is costing them your friendship the next time they reach out. Something short and concise.

EDIT: I see a lot of folks suggesting OP to ghost and I think that the money issue complicates/obscures the real matter here. If I was in OP's shoes, I would probably say something like, "The borrowed money wasn't an issue. Your hateful views are. I'm not interested in inviting that into my life, virtually or otherwise."

*Because this isn't about them. This is about what you need to move on from this friendship. Closure isn't something that someone else gives us, it's what we do for ourselves.

 

[Walter White Walker]

Cut 'em off and move on.

 

[Marvie]

Cut 'em off and move on.

Click to shrink...

This.

 

[kirby_fox]

I just do the thing adults do and say I'm busy when they ask. Eventually they stop asking because you're busy. Though I've only done this getting rid of someone a few times.

 

[Deleted member 4212]

You're probably can't get the money back, but you can at least stop wasting time on him.

 

[pokeystaples]

sometimes people are just in your life for seasons. it's okay to let people go.

 

[NinjaScooter]

Based on your description it sounds like he brings nothing to your life, so really ask yourself why you are agonizing so hard about dropping him from it? Is there really something you are trying to salvage here (because it sounds like he's just an asshole who owes you money) or are you more concerned with trying to seem civil within your friend group?

 

[Deleted member 19293]

Back in college I made a very good friend. We were classmates so it was easy for us to spend time a lot, and we also go home from school because we live in the same direction.

After graduation, we still regularly hung out and stayed in touch via social media. Through the years he was in dire need of money, since he wasn't well-off, neither was I but I had more to share so whenever he asked to borrow money, I lent him. These grew so frequent he stopped attending our hangouts because he grew embarassed. I assured him he can pay the money whenever he wants, and I truly meant that, and I wanted him to still go to the hangouts because his friendship is more important to me than money, and I apply this to everyone I know.

But fast forward to the recent years, he suddenly developed appalling extremist views, tolerating and even advocating hate on social media. I tried engaging and telling him that what he's saying isn't right, but nah, he still posted hateful stuff left and right. So I unfollowed him and eventually I dropped my account, not solely because of him but that also contributed.

We are friends in multiple different online games, after that he would try and chat me and invite me to games but I never reply. His girlfriend is pregnant and I have a sneaking suspicion he wants me to be part of his wedding and his child's life but I want no part of it.

Am I wrong for throwing it all away? I'm sick of what he has become and unless he changes I don't think I'll ever let him back in my life. Have you ever been in the same position?

Click to shrink...

I've experienced enough similar stuff to what you're describing to answer your question. I don't know how old you are, but you're a college graduate, and you've mentioned it's been a few recent years here. I'm guessing you're 30 or under. The thing nobody really tells you when you get to 30 is that a lot of the people that you knew before aren't the same as when you met them. You're not the same person you were then. You've already stated that you think this person's beliefs are abhorrent. I have no scientific basis for this, but I truly believe people start heading down those paths because their friend group is still "there" for them while they're exploring these beliefs and that friend group serves as a base to fall back to until you get replaced with the extremist friends. This person will drop you eventually - trust me when I say this. For your own well-being and mental health, forget about the money you've loaned this person. Stop contacting them. If they make a sustained effort to contact you, you can happily explain that their views aren't something you can support, that you don't need it in your life, and there's no room for both of those things with you.

The amount of time that people in our society waste on friends that change is too much. Neither of you is going to be happy about it. Cut them out now, move on, and feel better sooner. I've done this with "friends", family members, and more. Not suggesting you fill it with bubble people, but if you know this isn't right, then don't spend more time trying to make it right.

 

[Kurita]

Life's too short for this shit. Move on, you'll feel better.

 

[Oliver James]

Hello, thanks for everyone's advice. I will continue to cut off this person off my life. To those who are saying I should tell this person why I'm cutting them off, we share quite a lot of common friends and I don't want any drama, and I'm almost pretty sure he will react immaturely if I tell him why.