How do you deal with racist family?

[Angst]

My dad is racist. It doesn't come out that often but seeps out frequently. I call him out on it pretty much every time it happens. I've started to grow exhausted from it. I don't really enjoy being around him because of it. Its gross, its hateful, and its pretty much the opposite of what he would have claimed to teach me when I was younger. He posts Islamophobic bullshit on Facebook. I specifically don't unfollow him so I can call him out anytime he posts racist shit on his wall. But honestly I'm just sick of it. I wish I could maintain a good father/son relationship with him but honestly it sucks and it doesn't seem like hes ever going to change. Anyone have any other stories like this? I don't think I really want advice or anything. Just venting and wanting to hear other peoples experiences and what they do about this kind of thing.

 

[nsilvias]

minimal interaction

 

[KtotheRoc]

The racist members of my family are distant relatives, so I don't have to deal with them much, if at all.

 

[M. Wallace]

Disown

 

[WascallyWabbit]

It's tough, my parents are asian immigrants and sometime can say some racist shit. I try to call them out on it when I can but it is exhausting. I feel it comes from a very ignorant place as they grew up in a very tough time in China where they were not exposed to very many diverse viewpoints.

For me, there's no way I'd ever really disown or distance myself from them. I just try to be vigilant about it and learn my lessons from the mistakes they make

 

[McScroggz]

It's a balance. You can't just ignore it, but unless they are super racist or it will legitimately cause a major issue in your life you also don't want to cut them out - especially if it's a close family member like a parent.

Just think about it holistically. What works for some people might not work for you. If nothing else hopefully you can make your feelings known enough that when they are around you they tone it down.

 

[Angst]

I kind of just give myself breaks when I can't stand it anymore. But I've also promised myself that I won't ever let it slide in front of me either.

 

[Blue Skies]

minimal interaction

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This one

My mom tries and acts like a victim, but she knows how hurtful it is to me when she says her racist shit

 

[Deleted member 9241]

I have a very small family and we're multi racial and multi national so I never have to worry about it.

 

[Kasai]

I don't.

My father is racist as hell, and I dont associate with him anymore. I cut out anyone who is bigoted in my life

 

[Volimar]

Call it out at every opportunity until they stop coming around. More often than not they won't change their views but you don't have to tolerate it.

 

[faceless]

you have to carefully and thoughtfully have conversations with them until they understand and change their racist ways.

 

[Josh5890]

For me, there's no way I'd ever really disown or distance myself from them. I just try to be vigilant about it and learn my lessons from the mistakes they make

Click to shrink...

This is the most important thing that anyone can do. Learn from the past of others and be better people in the future.

 

[carlosrox]

Tell him that he's angry, confused, and scared and that the problem lies with himself and not other people. I don't mean to actually go and say that cuz I don't know what your relationship is but if you say it in a "jokey" way I am curious what the response would be.

My brother isn't what I'd call an "actual racist", but he says racist shit from time to time when he's angry or feels crossed by certain people.

It's definitely annoying and negative but I basically just tell him to quit with saying that shit around me cuz it's toxic and I'm sick of hearing it. I "jokingly" tell him that he's mad at himself, not other people.

 

[sgtnosboss]

minimal interaction, as soon as my wifes grandpa dies, I don't see us being around much anymore, and we already keep it to like once a month visit.

That or fuck, if it was my side, i'd probably give an ultimatum but I have no idea.

 

[thekonamicode]

I don't associate, I limit interaction. My friends are my family. Once they are gone, they'll be forgotten forever (at least by me). I'm also VERY clear and straightforward that I disagree with certain things they say or believe in, there is no kowtowing on my part.

 

[rusty chrome]

I block them out of my life like I'd do to anyone else, even going as far as avoiding a family gathering if I know they'll be there because I know how they usually affect the energy in the room. I've learned my lesson, and in my experience, people don't really change.

Fake shitty people don't deserve respect, it doesn't matter if they're family.

 

[Prolepro]

Figure out who's worth trying to dissuade and who isn't and work from there.

 

[Deleted member 1635]

My dad is racist. It doesn't come out that often but seeps out frequently. I call him out on it pretty much every time it happens. I've started to grow exhausted from it. I don't really enjoy being around him because of it. Its gross, its hateful, and its pretty much the opposite of what he would have claimed to teach me when I was younger. He posts Islamophobic bullshit on Facebook. I specifically don't unfollow him so I can call him out anytime he posts racist shit on his wall. But honestly I'm just sick of it. I wish I could maintain a good father/son relationship with him but honestly it sucks and it doesn't seem like hes ever going to change. Anyone have any other stories like this? I don't think I really want advice or anything. Just venting and wanting to hear other peoples experiences and what they do about this kind of thing.

Click to shrink...

Definitely unfollow him on Facebook. It's not worth getting all worked up all the time. Let him know that you don't agree with him and think his views are shitty, but explain why. Reinforce why you think what he says now flies in the face of what he taught you growing up. Try to make him reflect.

No reason to cut ties with him or limit contact if you have an otherwise good relationship. Obviously consider limiting contact if you have kids and he's openly and vocally hateful and racist around them.

 

[Mur2thetaugh]

It is prominent on a certain side of the family. I just ignore it. Gotta pick my battles and family time isn't it. You can pick your friends not your family.

 

[Soliloquy of a Dogge]

Call them out. Challenge them. Refuse to associate with them.

Just because they're family doesn't mean their ignorance and hate should be ignored or tolerated.

It is prominent on a certain side of the family. I just ignore it. Gotta pick my battles and family time isn't it. You can pick your friends not your family.

Click to shrink...

I wish I could benefit from this privilege. Just don't call yourself an ally, thanks.

 

[GK86]

I wouldn't tolerate that bullshit and would act like they are no longer my family.

 

[RDreamer]

I have a hard time not calling out outrageous bullshit, but obviously you've gotta pick your battles. My entire family is pretty goddamned racist. Almost all my aunts and uncles really. I've heard conversations during Thanksgiving on how "the blacks are the real racists," etc.

I had some of 'em on facebook and my one aunt especially posted some really crazy shit. I called them out, trying not to specifically demonize her even though she is obviously racist. Bunch of my family then called me immature, said I needed to grow up and kept saying how I should know my aunt isn't racist. She's my blood!

My dad unfriended me on facebook and my mom almost did.

After Trump won I got so angry I just unfollowed all of them so I wouldn't go crazy.

 

[Lundren]

I wish I could benefit from this privilege. Just don't call yourself an ally, thanks.

Click to shrink...

People who pretend this is difficult don't realize how good they have it. Or maybe they do, I wouldn't know.

 

[Yams]

Don't talk to them

 

[UltraMav]

My dad is racist but I call him out on it every time it crops up. Also, he's just about the only family I have left at this point and has always been a good father to me, so I can't just "disown" him. It's complicated. All I can do is be honest when he says something offensive and hope he values my opinion enough to consider my point of view.

I do my best, but honestly, sometimes it's not easy, and I take breaks from interacting with him when it gets to be too much.

 

[tommy7154]

My mom is right wing type racist, and I deal by arguing on Facebook I guess. It's really aggravating sometimes with the shit she (and others) post. It's hard for me to comprehend that they believe some of the shit that they apparently do.

 

[Sunster]

I don't deal with them. I don't talk to them. If they talk to me about their bs ideas I'll tell them why that's bs. example, my dad's wife texted me one day about something and somehow the trade war came up. she said, "Well, we're team Trump because he wants fair trade." and i replied that there's a sizeable gulf between what trump wants and what he's actually capable of achieving.

 

[Aurica]

Depends, I guess. I don't have any family that says like overly awful shit like slurs. That would be rough. When my family members say more vague shit or stereotypes, I just ask them why they think that and explain how it's hurtful and untrue. Over the years, after confrontations, I've heard less and less. Don't remember the last time I heard something racist from family.

 

[Deleted member 2809]

Cut off.

 

[Skade]

Not family anymore.

That is why we now consider my mother to have been created by aliens in a lab.

 

[Gilver]

Since the family I care about isn't racist (mom, dad, brother) I like to have fun with extended family people with witty sarcasm because I dont care if I say something a little mean to them (usual homophobic people). I know im the worst but its fine.

 

[Exile20]

Start dating a minority.

 

[NameUser]

Cut him off. Seriously, tell him how fucked up it is and say you'll disown him of he keeps it up. Father or not. He needs to know that there are consequences for his actions.

If you're white, just point to all the fucked up things white people have done/continue to do.

 

[Deleted member 24079]

I'm visiting my 2nd generation Sicilian family in FL. I have had bits of rant thrown around the car rides from grandparents. First off I had to hear that all people with tattoos don't have jobs and use welfare. I disagreed and said I know people with tattoos with a lot of income and people without tattoos without a job They started yelling. They went out to eat at a Vietnamese seafood restaurant. It's really popular in the area it seems. I then have to hear how they are afraid of all the races are outnumbering non-americans. with the tattoos it's that no one has work ethic but now when someone runs a business and works, they fear. They say one day I'll understand. Well when I leave for home tomorrow and continue to not speak about my life to them, they'll understand too. And when they stumble upon my half-Mexican boyfriend and find their grandson has a great relationship with his partner states away that they'll never be a part of, they'll understand.


I'm likely to never fly down to FL again. I can't stand how angry everyone is at anyone young or non-white. Yes they do have trump hats for the whole family.

Edit: I did search for this thread just to rant.

 

[OrangeNova]

Call them out on it. Explain why what they said is racist/sexist/homophobic and how things change.

 

[Deleted member 22750]

it's tough

in some cases they've been racist and sexist for 30+ years. Pointing out their obviously ridiculous and hateful behavior is an extremely hard thing to be successful with.

Good luck
maybe you can find a way to get to their heart.

what a shitty state of affairs
This shit shouldn't even be going on. Almost everyone is dealing with this.

 

[RedMercury]

I don't, you only have so much time in your life, why give any to racists. I think us white people do have a duty to try to pull other white people out of the depths but after a certain point, some people just need the hate to function, not everyone can be saved.

 

[healbite-maritima]

Oof, if this isn't my life. My moms all "Trump 2020" and "pizzagate is real" and "my catholic sister will go to hell but whatever", meanwhile all her left-leaning children and my black husband just stand there in shock sometimes.

Ultimately, pick your battles, stand your ground, and don't lose your cool. Sometimes I would say it very bluntly like "what you said is racist and unkind about my in-laws, if you want to see me again, stop that" and usually it came with pouting and it, well, stopped. At least from a vocal level.

But also, family isn't everything. I didn't invite anyone in my extended family to my wedding minus two aunts because they asked to come. If I had knowledge the n-word passed their lips I didn't even send an invitation.

EDIT: Ooh, you want a story? So they live in the Stone Mountain area (GA, USA) and recently a lot of debate over the confederate statues remaining or being took down was taking place. I thought it was a no-brained, being New York transplants, but my sisters and I were surprised/disappointed in my parents' support of them remaining. My sisters and I agreed they should, at most, be in a museum because we shouldn't have statues of treasonous figures. My dad then said "if you take down the statues, how will black children know about racism?"

So yeah OP, I got plenty of stories.

 

[RichardHawk]

I call my dad a fucking idiot whenever he says something even slightly racist. He's stopped saying shit around me for the most part. Also pulling the "I won't be coming around anymore if you continue to speak like that" really worked.

 

[Kent]

Call them out on their bullshit every time they bring it up. They may not be looking for an argument, but if they pull that crap around me, they've got one.

No tolerance should be had for that kind of thing. Doubly so if they're family - simply because you can't change your biological family, that's all the more reason that they need to be upended and dealt with, rather than left to fester.

 

[Pwnz]

Well, I had to significantly reduce time spent with my brother after he raised concerns in regards to my engagement that my wife is half Mexican. I got a coerced half apology 2 years after. Going to have to see him more because we both will be having kids.

On a more positive note I'm proud of my 90 year old grandmother. She was raised very privileged, daughter of a wealthy North Carolina engineer that inherited 10s of thousands of acres. She had said some diet racist stuff over the years, but last time I saw her she unprompted said she thinks Trump is a childish, phony man that sometimes sounds like Germans she heard on the radio in the 30s. No signs of dementia from her so she really does remember stuff that long ago, I hope I inherited that.

 

[Deleted member 58401]

I don't know. I'm in a similar loop, and that's where I've landed. In the grand scheme of progress, you or I being tired or annoyed is such minor bullshit and the obvious answer is you call it out. But damn, it takes a lot of energy and it doesn't seem to yield anything but losing a dad.