How do you deal with bigoted parents?

[shaneo632]

My dad has always had some relatively suspect opinions but he just randomly called me to tell me he was buying something at the store and was served by a trans person which made him feel "incredibly uncomfortable."

He knows I'm very pro-trans rights and find his opinions disgusting so I don't really get what he was going for. Even as I told him he's bigoted trash and hung up I could hear him laughing about it. Made me feel really sad and angry that he'll just brush off this interaction like it was nothing :(

How do you deal Era?

 

[Wallace Wells]

You cut them off

 

[Van Bur3n]

You gotta say "Fuck off, dad, you dumb bitch" and then let them die old and alone.

 

[Bane]

You cut them off

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Exactly this. If your dad cares so little of your opinion and acts that way about trans people why even talk to him?

 

[thekonamicode]

My parents are bigoted, racist and spiteful "christians". When they are gone they will be forgotten for the rest of my days. Until then I severely limit any and all interactions with all four of them.

Not looking forward to throwing all of their possessions into the garbage when the time comes but I will do that. At least they aren't hoarders.

Can you rent a construction dumpster?

 

[Deleted member 25600]

I school them.

 

[Video Games Are Dumb]

You cut them off

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Maybe it's just cause I'm going through some shit but this idea doesn't work for some people.
OP wants their parents in their life, that's why they're asking for help.

 

[Cocolina]

Should've just told him to not shop there again, whatever. He was trolling you and he got what he wanted.

 

[Radd Redd]

Same thing I did. Cut my dad off besides the yearly happy birthday and every other holiday get together until they learn to keep bigoted stuff to themselves if he wants me to have a good relationship with him.

 

[sixteen-bit]

Then throw his ass in the bin

 

[Pirate Bae]

My parents initially took my coming out kind of hard. But after a while and exposure to the LGBT community in a positive way they are very accepting now.

 

[Deleted member 21709]

Cut them out of your life. It's not worth it.

 

[Kthulhu]

Avoid politics and religion when around family. This has been the advice for decades and I don't know why some people have such a hard time figuring it out.

The best you can attempt to do is sit down and have a good faith discussion but that won't always work and your best bet is to avoid sensitive topics.

You cut them off

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That's easier said then done for most people. It's one thing if your LGBT+ and that's the better option but if you're dependent on family sometimes you just have to suffer through the BS.

 

[Cenauru]

"Too bad, life is hard. Suck it up or get left behind"

Bonus points if they spout boomer rhetoric about how sensitive everyone is nowadays and every little thing makes them offended and uncomfortable.

 

[ctj]

I fortunately don't have much of an issue with this with my parents. With my grandparents I try to interact with them as little as possible.

 

[Deleted member 18502]

If I still had parents I would not discard them so quickly. And we disagreed on just about everything.

 

[rusty chrome]

I cut them off like I would anybody else. They don't get a free pass just because they're my parents. If anything, they should know better about what it means to be a good example for your kids. Shitty world views belong in the trash with the people they're coming from.

 

[Xx 720]

My parents initially took my coming out kind of hard. But after a while and exposure to the LGBT community in a positive way they are very accepting now.

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Same here. Back in the 80s if I'd cut everyone out that was bigoted there would of been no one, but the times changed fortunately.

 

[Servbot24]

I did my best to still love them and expose them to non-bigoted ideas, which has worked pretty well, they both are no longer Republicans. Cutting people off / combatting people has never accomplished anything. Unless you need to preserve your own mental health in which case you should definitely cut them off.

 

[DigitalOp]

Tell them how bigoted they are every chance you get. Be relentless.

See what argument they default to afterwards after being reminded they are bigoted assholes.

 

[SindbadtheSailor]

Your parents apparently raised someone with a conscience, either directly or indirectly. You should appreciate them for that, assuming they actually played a role in your upbringing.

Anyway, it seems like your dad was trying to rile you up; don't fall for it. You can stick to your convictions and educate others without being an emotional baby.

And one thing people don't seem to understand is that older folks aren't going to change ingrained beliefs over night, regardless of how antiquated it is. That's just human nature. Frustrating to be sure, but it is what it is. Change is an ongoing process that takes time and a lot of patience. And instead of being the type of person that just gives up and walks away, stay and try to make things better, again, assuming things aren't completely toxic. Especially since it's, you know, our dad.

 

[RedMercury]

I generally think people will only change through personal epiphanies or experiences. I think you could argue with them for years and get nowhere at risk to your own well-being and stress, and that isn't worth it. I do think there is some obligation (for example) for white people to fight against racism, for straight people to fight for LGBT equality, etc., but if your time would be better served doing that elsewhere you'd be better off doing that. Especially in a son/parents relationship, they are just going to be hard headed and not willing to budge.

 

[RedMercury]

I did my best to still love them and expose them to non-bigoted ideas. As usual, it worked. Cutting people off / combatting people has never accomplished anything.

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Never ever?

 

[TinTuba47]

I sympathize with people that have to deal with this.

my Dad died a decade ago, but he was a cool, chill dude with no hate in his heart. My mom is a loving, progressive woman in her 60s.

I can't imagine trying to deal with any other sort of parents.

 

[DarthWalden]

Calll them out on their bullshit and trying to educate in a non confrontational manner has worked okay for me.

But be smart about it though and don't get too emotional, it's clear your dad was looking to get you going so well you obviously take the issue very seriously for him it's a joke

 

[Deleted member 3010]

You do what's good for them as their child; Confront them with it.

I distanced myself from my mother progressively because she was always posting disgusting anti-arabic propaganda on Facebook, same for two of my aunts. When she asked me why I wasn't calling her anymore, even though I was clear about that earlier, I reiterated and explained to her things such as Facebook algorythms transforming older, vulnerable people like into racist pieces of shit. She made a lot of progress since I rubbed that in her face and me and my GF are a lot more open to go take breakfasts with her every now and then.

Being victim of the consequences of her bigotry made her more open to common sense I think, or at least I hope. Maybe she's just not posting shit anymore but thinks it... I'd like to believe she made progress on that front.

 

[Wackamole]

Well, i try and find ways to make it clear that what they think is nonsense.
They're stuck in old patterns and ways of thinking.

At the moment they're pretty okay, i must say. They seem to understand. But they weren't that bad anyway. Just.. you know, a bit old-fashioned.

 

[Tom Penny]

Tell them what's up and if you don't like their response then don't deal with them anymore. It's not your problem. If you continue you to associate with them and they continue to piss you off that was your choice and then it's your fault.

 

[Everybody Lies]

Have them explain their beliefs to you and challenge them on every point that is indefensible.

 

[meowdi gras]

Mine drove me from their lives when I came out to them as trans six years ago. So these day, I don't have to deal with them at all. They can be their awful, bigoted selves without me around.

 

[Deleted member 8861]

My underage sister is LGBT and my parents are... not good about that sort of thing. Current plan is getting permanent residency in Canada down the line and having her move to Canada with me or at least getting our family to do so. I hate that they're like that... but I can't stop loving them, either. So I won't rock the boat until I know my sister can be safely independent

Mine drove me from their lives when I came out to them as trans six years ago. So these day, I don't have to deal with them at all. They can be their awful, bigoted selves without me around.

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You deserved better than that. <3

 

[Leo]

I don't.

I don't talk to my mother unless it's strictly necessarily.

 

[PRBoricua23]

As I read your post, I was thinking "that's too bad" but then I got to the part where you said he was laughing as he hung the phone up, which gives me the impression he enjoys upsetting you about these types of topics.

That man is an asshole. I don't really have much advice for you, unfortunately.

I'm thankful every day that my parents are not like that in the slightest bit. I don't even know how I would handle it if they were.

 

[Kurdel]

poorly.

My mother is a white south african who laments the fall of apartheid, super homophobic too, of course.

I can't make her change her ways and she is really abusive and manipulative, I try and limit my contact with her as much as possible.

 

[Zhengi]

Just tell them, "Ok Boomer". That should get them worked up.

But seriously, first and foremost, I would take some time and make sure you are mentally fine because it is tough having parents like this in your life, especially one who enjoys torturing you mentally with his bigotry. Then, just have as little contact as possible with them and only really interact with them during special occasions like birthdays and holidays, and whenever those are over, always make sure you take time to take care of yourself both mentally and physically.

 

[msdstc]

Always love the posts on era like these where they say "just cut them off". Theres a very clear and obvious reason that's not so easy for the average person.

 

[sn00zer]

I think it's worth your time to talk to him about it. Had some long convos with my parents about social issues and things they didn't understand.

 

[shadowsdarknes]

Always love the posts on era like these where they say "just cut them off". Theres a very clear and obvious reason that's not so easy for the average person.

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Almost reminds me of any thread about relationships. Almost every response is "You gotta bail now"

 

[Deleted member 21709]

Almost reminds me of any thread about relationships. Almost every response is "You gotta bail now"

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Always love the posts on era like these where they say "just cut them off". Theres a very clear and obvious reason that's not so easy for the average person.

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It is never easy for anyone. But it is the best course of action for many.

 

[TaySan]

How important are they to your life and how much do you depend on them? If you don't need them in your life and if they won't change there ways then cutting them out might be beneficial to your health. Family bloods means jack shit if they treat you like shit.

I'm fortunate enough to have cool parents that hate Trump just as much if not more than I.

 

[Servbot24]

Never ever?

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You cut off the rest of my post. :P

 

[Rhomega]

Don't talk about the issues.

 

[The Unsent]

I don't give them a platform and don't argue with them. Everyone else on the table gives each other a stare, and you can tell the bigoted one feels alone. When you argue with them, they act like it's just a difference in conversation and opinion. You make them feel uncool and alone with that opinion. But that's just my experience.

 

[msdstc]

It is never easy for anyone. But it is the best course of action for many.

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Maybe it is? How could you possibly gather that from this thread.

 

[SpecX]

I'm with the cut them off crowd. Had to deal with this with my parents. They held their noses to the sky and would say some shady shit about other races behind their backs. They were very manipulative and it was causing issues between my ex and me. I ended up cutting them off and they missed out on the birth of my 2 kids till they finally came around.

It took them seeing all they missed out on along with health issues to finally change, but it can happen. My life was good without them and now we have a better relationship due to the changes they made.

 

[Gamer @ Heart]

I cut my dad off 3 years ago. I think it was the 3rd serious time I threaten to do so, and this time my mother didn't call me crying and begging. She heard me out and accepted it.

Best thing I've done in awhile. I'm an adult, I have no dependencies with him. I can choose who I have a relationship with. He learned his actions, attitude, and toxic beliefs have consequences. I delete his weekly voicemails once a month. It no longer bothers me.

 

[Chopchop]

My parents have some views that I heavily disagree with, but I mostly just voice my disagreement without making a scene, and then don't dwell on it. They can take it or leave it. Those views often don't come up in conversation anyway, and otherwise we get along.

I don't feel like these things are worth cutting off family over unless they're super confrontational about it and pick fights about it every time you meet.

A lot of people from the older generation are a product of the views of their generation, pretty much by definition. I find they are generally a bit stubborn about adapting to newer views, and they can be a bit childish because for some reason, many older people are simply not good at discussing disagreements. But as long as they don't pick fights about it, I wouldn't fight them over it.

 

[Ramble]

Can you rent a construction dumpster?

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I got good news.

Yes, you can rent a big-ass dumpster to throw all their junk in.

It's ~$800 for a weekend.

We did it for my hoarder grandma's house, absolutely worth it.

 

[jdh96]

Well, for me i deal with it by pretending I'm Christian and keep most of my opinions to myself otherwise my parents would absolutely have nothing to do with me if they knew i was an atheist.