OP
OP
Does the phrase "I'll be your girlfriend" count? Before that, she said stuff like "I wish more guys were like you." I didn't read too much into that phrase back then.
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How do I reject a girl in the nicest way possible? This is tricky, please read the OP for more details.
- Thread starter Cow Mengde
- Start date
Does the phrase "I'll be your girlfriend" count? Before that, she said stuff like "I wish more guys were like you." I didn't read too much into that phrase back then.
That's on you. You can be amazing but you can't force chemistry and people should respect that.
The nicest thing to do is to be very honest and straightforward
Don't leave room for misunderstanding since thinking someone "maybe" might come around to changing their mind about a relationship is torture
Let her quickly move on and write you off as an option
Don't leave room for misunderstanding since thinking someone "maybe" might come around to changing their mind about a relationship is torture
Let her quickly move on and write you off as an option
OP
OP
Are you dealing with it in a healthy way? She's not. Or rather does want to. Not sure if the latter is true. She's kinda vague about it and I never try to pry into it if she doesn't want to say.
Tell her:
"I'm very flattered that you like me. I think you're beautiful and interesting, but I feel strongly that we are not a good romantic fit, because of several shortcomings of mine that I am not proud of and would rather not discuss at present."
"I would love to be your friend and wingman though!"
It's true (the shortcomings being your selfishness and impatience) and it puts the blame solely on you without going anywhere near mentioning or even implying her past or traumas are involved.
If you tell her you don't feel chemistry without explanation, as most people in this thread are suggesting, she'll think she's ugly.
"I'm very flattered that you like me. I think you're beautiful and interesting, but I feel strongly that we are not a good romantic fit, because of several shortcomings of mine that I am not proud of and would rather not discuss at present."
"I would love to be your friend and wingman though!"
It's true (the shortcomings being your selfishness and impatience) and it puts the blame solely on you without going anywhere near mentioning or even implying her past or traumas are involved.
If you tell her you don't feel chemistry without explanation, as most people in this thread are suggesting, she'll think she's ugly.
Chin up! Lots of people out there will want to "save you" or will relate to your brokenness. Humanity does have its redeeming qualities.
Not everybody is as normal as OP.
just say your not interested. you don't have to be brutal about it. Are you focused on other things in your life? Is your career/school a priority? relate to her in a way that shows your focus is elsewhere.
as an aside, everyone has various levels of "baggage" so don't be an ass about it.
as an aside, everyone has various levels of "baggage" so don't be an ass about it.
Be truthful but don't hurt her feelings. Basically you're not looking for something serious right now, because that's some serious shit, and it's not what you're looking for. So tell her exactly that: "I'm just looking to have fun and date different people right now."
OP
OP
What is the difference here of someone openly telling you their baggage early compared to someone hiding it for months and only giving you little bits at a time? If you can't handle supporting this partner, do you think you could handle someone that lets it out in bits but same issues in the future? I don't know, you do you OP, either way its going to hurt, but I think its an odd thing to walk away for if you vibe in every other way.
it sounds like the person who has issues to work through is you OP. I get not being comfortable about her past, but maybe all she needs is someone to support her and show her not all people are trash. It sounds like you are actually attracted to this girl, so i say grow a little as a person and take her out on a date. You may find that just being there to listen to her is all she needs to keep a level head and you will grow into the relationship and like being the rock that she can turn to when she needs someone.
Yeah, I'm a full year into treatment/being medicated already.
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As long as you've gotten treatment and are processing what happened to you in a healthy way then it isn't nearly a problem.
My ex-wife didn't, which is why she didn't find out until after she had already cheated on me twice that she seeks validation from men as a result of her trauma.
Jesus Christ so many "be honest with her" terrible takes.
It's not always helpful to know why someone doesnt want to be with you.
It's not always helpful to know why someone doesnt want to be with you.
I am a year into treatment and have worked very hard on myself this last year but I've avoided dating entirely as it can be daunting when you've recovered from severe trauma.
Then it sounds like you're on top of it. I'm really sorry this happened to you.
Yeah. As far as I'm concerned there's a lot of ground between "lie to her" and "tell her in no uncertain terms you won't date her because she has a history of trauma". People advocating for doing either are doing both the OP and his admirer a disservice.
"I don't care about your shortcomings. I want to be with you."
You need to not leave any wiggle room.
"I'm not interested in you."
OP
OP
I'm sorry you have to deal with that. As long as you're actively trying to get better then your future is bright. I tried recommending to the girl I know and she just keeps making excuses.
As someone who can relate to the girl you're rejecting, don't bring up her trauma.
She needs to take care of her relationship with herself and her trauma before dating will ever be a possibility. You know that though.
Be simple and clean. Hey, I think you're rad but I'm not in a position to date someone with needs I do not feel I am capable of meeting right now. I sincerely hope things work out for you.
Its okay you don't want to date someone who isnt seeking treatment for their damage.
She needs to take care of her relationship with herself and her trauma before dating will ever be a possibility. You know that though.
Be simple and clean. Hey, I think you're rad but I'm not in a position to date someone with needs I do not feel I am capable of meeting right now. I sincerely hope things work out for you.
Its okay you don't want to date someone who isnt seeking treatment for their damage.
Stop dropping hints. If you dont want to hurt her feelings by rejecting her you want HER to dump you.
Start by talking about era and go full gaf on her. Rant about cucks, SJWs, woke feminists and throw in a lot of shit talk about gamergate. then tell her how you want a woman who will stay home and look after the kids all day. then make you food when you get home and then be ready for some sex whenever you want. if for some bizarre reason that doesnt put her off, take it a step further and admit you are a trump supporter.
if she is still with you after all this, marry her. she is the one.
Start by talking about era and go full gaf on her. Rant about cucks, SJWs, woke feminists and throw in a lot of shit talk about gamergate. then tell her how you want a woman who will stay home and look after the kids all day. then make you food when you get home and then be ready for some sex whenever you want. if for some bizarre reason that doesnt put her off, take it a step further and admit you are a trump supporter.
if she is still with you after all this, marry her. she is the one.
Do not tell her that her trauma is why you don't want to be with her. You should feel a little guilty, your attitude is why people don't speak out about abuse
In my experience make it quit and painless then maybe block their number. Don't drag it further then either you or them need it to be.
I'm sorry but you are really starting to come off as a POS.
Victims of trauma can't always just decide to get help, they have to be ready to face up to it and so far you really don't seem to have the mental maturity to be with someone that doesn't have some super easy life with no emotional baggage.
Maybe there is more to the story that you haven't shared that would explain this but going by what info you have provided you really aren't coming across as sympathetic to me.
Why can't you just be a good filial son and bring home a nice Chinese woman with an Ivy league degree, a professional with high earning potential, wants lots of kids, knows how to cook, and comes from a good family? Don't you know your parents aren't getting any younger? You need to stop digging up bones in the desert and just settle down. ;)
Just tell her you're not into her like that.
However, this might work real good too:
Just tell her you're not into her like that.
However, this might work real good too:
User Warned: Inappropriate Comment
Just tell her you only wanna smash
Her response to this can be win win for you op đź‘€
Her response to this can be win win for you op đź‘€
Direct, honest, but respectful. Don't have to get into the details about her past and your fears about them. Tell her you respect her and enjoy the existing association/friendship you have, but you have no interest in a romantic relationship. No need to elaborate further, other than you don't have any romantic feelings towards her. Be clear in this, and don't leave any interpretation or hope that there could be something someday. It might seem mean, but its honestly the kindest thing you can do, she can move on and that will be it. Be prepared that she might not WANT to be friends after this, but alas that's the way things go sometimes when these feelings happen.
i think you are not that into her and that's it.
someone brokeness shouldn't be a hurdle in this phase of the relationship.
i mean how many people enter into fucked up relationship just because they are just so into each other.
if you liked her more, you wouldn't care i think.
idk, i just my opinion
someone brokeness shouldn't be a hurdle in this phase of the relationship.
i mean how many people enter into fucked up relationship just because they are just so into each other.
if you liked her more, you wouldn't care i think.
idk, i just my opinion
I agree with most of your points but personally for me it has been difficult to be in a relationship with someone who has not experienced similar traumas. It is sad that she gets hopeful, but the fact that he judges her this way and scared of being with someone with lot of baggage means that she deserves to be wjth somebody else instead.
People with serious traumas need a partner who has a lot of patience and empathy. I appreciate that the OP is thinking about how to communicate a rejection.
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When OP walks away, he won't hear her say "please, oh baby, don't go."
yeah, op , have less empathy
Try to smash the clearly emotionally damaged and mentally anguished because yolo, amirite? what the fuck could possibly go wrong?
I don't know OP, do you have the will to try help her in working out all these issues? not saying you should be in a relationship with her, but maybe with your help she can work out all the things going on on her life.
If you are just not interested, tell her that and that's it, it's better to be direct (altough you are holding out some honesty) and that will be end.
If you are just not interested, tell her that and that's it, it's better to be direct (altough you are holding out some honesty) and that will be end.
Absolutely. He's not good for her, too many assumptions and too little understanding.
I once had a huge crush on a guy online, we seemed to both like each other, I cherished our friendship and long discussions, we seemed to connect in a lot of ways despite being awkward and a bit broken. We saw eath other twice, and then he became very distant. Couldn't quite ghost me since we were in the same online social circle, but it almost felt like it. I didn't take the hint (I was young and naive) and kept on hoping, and he knew it, and that sucked. For months, I felt like I was in a shitty limbo, not knowing what happened, not knowing what to make of it, and hurting because it also felt like losing a friend on top of it all. Until he finally sent me a lengthy email containing both an apology, a rejection letter and a sweet farewell all packed into one. The minute I received it, I felt relief and freedom. And I almost immediately thanked him for it, because I needed it more than anything to finally move on, which I did quite instantly.
If you value and respect her, you'll have to be honest and straightforward, and reject her yourself. Please don't ghost her, or disappear without saying anything, just say "I don't like you that way, I'm sorry, I hope you'll find what you're looking for with someone else, but it will never happen with me". No need to go into details, but make it firm, clear, respectful, as well as kind enough, while saying how much you think she's a great person and deserves love and a good relationship, just not with you. That's the least anyone deserves in cases like these.
If you value and respect her, you'll have to be honest and straightforward, and reject her yourself. Please don't ghost her, or disappear without saying anything, just say "I don't like you that way, I'm sorry, I hope you'll find what you're looking for with someone else, but it will never happen with me". No need to go into details, but make it firm, clear, respectful, as well as kind enough, while saying how much you think she's a great person and deserves love and a good relationship, just not with you. That's the least anyone deserves in cases like these.
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