How did you cope with your first breakup? Have you ever reconnected with that person?

[NHarmonic.]

I'm 28. I'm dealing with my first break-up, it happened in October of 2021… it still hurts but therapy has helped a lot with dealing with the pain and accepting it.

So how do fellow Era members dealt with your first romantic break-up? How do you come to terms with the fact that this person that you invested so much time, thoughts and care is now gone from your life? What helped you accept that and move on?

And were you able to reconnect at some point? Not in a romantic way but just as acquaintances or even friends again?

Do you think it's wrong to crave some kind of connection? Did you block them?

Any experience would be appreciated. It's been really hard for me to let go… the memories come and go and wreck me again…

 

[Royalan]

My first romantic break-up was easy (high school sweetheart).

It was the second break-up that was painful.

The guy I dated mostly all of college. We broke up right when I was leaving the city to move to Philly. The break-up itself was kind of messy, we'd been arguing nonstop for months before we called it quits, but god did it hurt like hell when I moved away and he was just no longer there.

For the first few months I called him all the time just to fight with him. He did the same. Must have blocked him and unblocked him a dozen times. Had a good friend finally convince me that the shit just wasn't healthy. One night when we were out I let her take my phone and completely wipe it of him. Erased his number. Texts, pictures, "his" friends...all gone. And I hate to say it but it really helped. Oh it hurt like shit, and it was honestly years before I stopped comparing every new guy I went out with to him, but it eventually it happened. Years later I was hanging out with friends, and one cracked a joke about "that goofy dude you dated in college," and I looked up and realized I couldn't remember the last time I thought about him, and that I had long since stopped comparing guys to him. I was over him. I'd moved on and didn't even realize it.

Honestly, OP, the best thing I can tell you is honestly the hardest. Time and distance. It's going to hurt. Like any sort of withdrawal your brain is going to try to rationalize why a little bit of reconnection won't hurt. Just one phone call. Ok, she's going through something with her family right now, just one day date won't hurt. Liking her pictures isn't really a big deal. But, in most cases you're only delaying the inevitable. Cut it off, and allow yourself to feel it. Allow yourself to mourn the loss of a relationship, no matter how it ended, because at one point it was important to you. And one day you'll look up and realize it happened, you moved on. Moved on and didn't even realize it.

 

[fracas]

My first super serious relationship ended in disaster. I even made a thread about it lol - TLDR we were engaged and they wanted to cheat on me.

About a year later, we became friends for a few months til I started dating other people. My ex freaked the fuck out and clearly was not over it and I broke off contact. Have not had any contact with them since and it's been a year and a half.

The only thing that will make you feel better is time but trust me, at a certain point you won't think about it at all. It feels like the end of the world and I totally get that, but I promise one day you'll be in a better place. Good on you for doing therapy. Self-improvement is a blessing. Distractions make a world of difference and will get you to that "feel better" time.

As for blocking them on social media, I'd do it if you find yourself stalking them. No contact is best if you feel any sort of attachment.

 

[Baphomet]

My first break up was easy as shit , she was cheating on me and I found out (Honestly I was happy when I found out, I was already tired of her and was going to break up with her eventually ,and finding out gave me a good reason to do it without feeling like a jerk).

 

[Star-Lord]

My first break up was easy as shit , she was cheating on me and I found out (Honestly I was happy when I found out, I was already tired of her and was going to break up with her eventually ,and finding out gave me a good reason to do it without feeling like a jerk).

Click to shrink...

This happened to me as well my 2nd relationship fucked me up worse

 

[Mekanos]

Some people can be friends after a relationship but it's very difficult when the breakup is still raw.

It's a cliche but I can tell you time is the most important thing. Find hobbies, shows, etc. to throw yourselves into. Stay physically active, hang out with friends, just live life. I spent years after that breakup doing an on and off thing and in the long run it was pretty toxic and ended badly, basically felt like a second breakup. It's not wrong to crave a connection, but unless you feel like you can keep your non-romantic relationship healthy and normal, I wouldn't advise reaching out.

Definitey don't stalk their social media, age old mistake, you'll go crazy.

 

[Midramble]

I married my high-school sweetheart. The divorce messed me up to sitting me at the edge of the void. I never saw them again as I was completely ghosted and I never got closure. Psychologist helped me get whatever closure I could and I've been a much better/happier person since. Remarried 7 years ago and I've truly never been happier.

 

[Ashes of Dreams]

Reconnection is possible but it mostly works when the break-up was mutual and desired on both sides. If you're struggling with this it's probably best to just put the idea out of your mind for now. Accept that you'll be upset for awhile and that's okay, you'll move on when you're ready, but give yourself the space needed to do that moving on.

 

[Blader]

My first big break up started with us "going on break" for a couple months which was honestly 100x worse than the break up itself. So stupid, I wish I had just pulled the band aid off then, but that shit you just have to learn for yourself I guess. The upside was that the actual break up felt so good, like I was finally free of this horrible holding pattern where nothing was happening. The year that followed involved a lot of drinking, a lot of partying, and a handful of messy hook ups, but honestly all that experience was so worthwhile in the long run. And I forged a lot of good friendships that got me through that time too.

But no, I have not reconnected with her and hopefully will never lol

 

[echoshifting]

I tried to reconnect to my first serious ex, and my current partner at that time freaked out about it, perhaps rightly, so now I kinda try to avoid doing it. Just tends to introduce a lot of needless and unwanted drama in my life.

 

[Lari]

My very first breakup was extremely silly and I remember not being terribly upset by it. It was a 4 month "relationship" that only happened cause I got rejected by someone else.
I only ever remained friends with one of my ex's and they've become one of the most reliable and helpful people I've ever known.

 

[butalala]

Yeah we reconnected. And then I couldn't handle it and wanted to get back together and I never heard from her again.

 

[ghostemoji]

I've never had a "bad" breakup. I've had breakups that hurt a lot, some that took a very long time to get over, but I've never had the nasty, hate each other, wish they were dead kind of breakup. Maybe I am lucky in that regard, but it's something that I've always wanted to avoid.

Hard breaks are good. I think that trying to maintain friendship, or keeping up on social media doesn't work until you're 100% over the relationship. Mutually.

I am married and have *positive* relationships with all of my exes, but the relationships I maintain are not active, talk to each other everyday kinds of relationships. They are I say hi when I see them in public, and maybe catch up for a few minutes kind of relationships.

My suggestions-- limit contact. If you get a pang in your stomach when you see their name on social media or a text message from them, that's not healthy or sustainable. Make them invisible to you in whatever way possible. Go explore the other avenues of your life-- your hobbies, your friendships, get comfortable being "you" again. Once you're solid as a single person again, then you can start exploring your options in the dating world.

 

[11037]

I'm the same as you OP, my first real relationship of six years also ended in October 2021. I was pretty depressed for the remainder of the year and it was hard going from talking everyday with this girl to never talking at all. I would say I'm over it now, but it also helps the break up wasn't messy and we didn't end on bad terms. We have an overlap with some of our friends so we are still friendly to each other and get along fine, of course its not on the same level as it once was but that makes sense considering our history and I don't desire to be close anyway.

It's cliche but you just gotta focus on yourself. Do stuff for yourself and find hobbies you enjoyed by yourself that your ex didn't. I've really got into music and I'm gonna be playing drums soon. Meet other people and have some fun, you don't need to do anything serious but just enjoy yourself.

 

[Ultimate Bear Cub]

My first break-up hurt yeah. I was infatuated and helped her better herself, but circumstances forced me to move away. Long-distance basically ended the relationship for us at that point. I got over it relatively quickly though. She tried to reconnect at some point later, but we were on different trajectories entirely.

It was my second break-up that really hurt bigtime. I cared very deeply for her and thought she reciprocated. At some point she clammed-up and wouldn't tell me what was wrong. I suspected she was listening to her sister's advice and branching out beyond me.

When things were getting shady I decided to call it quits. I never really felt anger towards her, she seemed to want something I couldn't be. And I couldn't put up with being stonewalled anymore. One of the toughest things I had to do.

She later made an attempt to reconnect, but I just couldn't do it. I was in a more depressed state and didn't want that to impact her. I did think about her for nearly half a year before it started to dissipate.

 

[Hero_of_the_Day]

By listening to lots of sad music and wasting away summer vacation after freshman year of highschool. She cheated on me at church camp, getting fingered in a treehouse. And her dickhead of a cousin, who was supposed to be my friend, took absolute joy in it. So, yeah, that hurt a bit.

I saw her again throughout highschool sporadically, and we actually got along great. I remember dancing with her at homecoming a year or two later, and just having a blast. But, she had moved away, so there was no thought of going back out.

I've seen her a couple of times in my adult life as she actually lives around me. I just assume she doesn't recognize me as I look pretty different from highschool, with the shaved head and a beard thing going on, and I've never said anything to her. Just walk on by.

 

[Caddywompus]

Your first breakup's always going to be rough because you just have no context for this situation. It would be nice to say each one gets easier but every break up will come with it's different type of pain.

In my experience, trying to reconnect is just prolonging the healing process. Moving onto the next relationship is how you forget about this person. And that's not to say jump into another relationship as soon as you can but know that when it eventually happens, and it will, all this pain and heartache is going to be overwritten. It will be forgotten like last months breakfast, you just won't think about it and whatever handful of bad memories remain are just life lessons to apply what you learned to your new relationship.

Take your time. There's no timeline to recover from all those memories that will eat at you. When you preoccupy your mind with anything else whether that's someone new or like others have suggested new hobbies or passions it chips away that control the past as over you little by little. You'll get there eventually.

 

[Baphomet]

Your first breakup's always going to be rough because you just have no context for this situation. It would be nice to say each one gets easier but every break up will come with it's different type of pain.

In my experience, trying to reconnect is just prolonging the healing process. Moving onto the next relationship is how you forget about this person. And that's not to say jump into another relationship as soon as you can but know that when it eventually happens, and it will, all this pain and heartache is going to be overwritten. It will be forgotten like last months breakfast, you just won't think about it and whatever handful of bad memories remain are just life lessons to apply what you learned to your new relationship.

Take your time. There's no timeline to recover from all those memories that will eat at you. When you preoccupy your mind with anything else whether that's someone new or like others have suggested new hobbies or passions it chips away that control the past as over you little by little. You'll get there eventually.

Click to shrink...

You are wrong, the first breakup isn't always the worst one. And you don't need to move on to another relationship to get over a lost love, you should improve yourself and ride solo for a while.

 

[Adder7806]

17 y.o. Broke up with her. Was super excited to be moving on. Wished her the best. Did not ever reconnect.

 

[Deleted member 17990]

She broke up with me, tried two more relationships and both never worked. Then discovered that relationships aren't for me and I'm far off better single, and to stay the fuck away from women.

 

[Leeness]

The only things I've ever done that could be considered "break ups" were in my teens.

I actually don't remember what exactly happened with the first one. I feel like he dumped me for someone else, but then he also emailed me later to tell me I was a "stepping stone towards his better relationships" and that I was horrible and he was cheating on me the whole time because I was so horrible, so maybe I stopped dating him. I don't recall. Anyway, he was abusive in various ways, so that was fine lol.

Second one really screwed me up and I was depressed for at least a few months but it's also probably shaped how I think about myself to this day. Anyway, that one dated me "in secret" for a year, I moved in with him briefly, while he was telling me that I would never be "the one" but I was fine until he could find ~the one, but don't tell anyone else, and then kicked me out and ghosted me lol.

Good times.

No, I have not reconnected with either of these people lol.

 

[Moff]

Reconnecting is possible, one of my ex girlfriends is one of my best friends.

But you need to be honest with yourself, do you want to reconnect to get another chance? If that is the case you shouldn't.

 

[Caddywompus]

You are wrong, the first breakup isn't always the worst one. And you don't need to move on to another relationship to get over a lost love, you should improve yourself and ride solo for a while.

Click to shrink...

I didn't say it's the worst one I said it's always going to be painful.

And I'm not wrong because there is no correct answer here. Everyone deals with this in different ways, that's why they're here looking everyone's shared experiences.

Your advice is just as valid as mine I don't know why you need to act like your opinion is only possible solution.

 

[Baphomet]

I didn't say it's the worst one I said it's always going to be painful.

And I'm wrong because there is no correct answer here. Everyone deals with this in different ways, that's why they're here looking everyone's shared experiences.

Your advice is just as valid as mine I don't know why you need to act like your opinion is only possible solution.

Click to shrink...

Forgive me , I didn't mean to come off as a jerk , so my apologies , I just disagreed with what you posted in regards to those specific things I mentioned.

 

[Milennia]

My first big breakup was bad and honestly i've had dreams about it even now, but it's the nature of how it happened, if it was amicable then it wouldn't have affected me much at all outside of the jealousy stuff

Best way I found to handle my particular situation was to cut the person off entirely

Do I wish I could reconcile with that person now after 12 years? yeah, but she was one of my best friends since middle school at that point

 

[Saiyaman]

Canceled a Disney trip and wrote a terrible 50,000 word novel over the weekend. The novel was very cathartic as it helped me process the emotions I was going through. It was also absolutely terrible and I haven't looked at it in years.

I tried keeping in touch but I quickly realized: 1. I think she was doing it partially because I asked, and she knew it was my first breakup, so she wanted to help ease me through it. And 2. I had a glimmer of hope we'd get back together. Once I realized she wasn't really interested in being friends -- and neither was I -- we respectfully dropped communication.

 

[Faenix1]

I've never had a breakup bug me much. Just kinda.. moved on. My last one though? Left thinking that was for the best, and well over 5 years later the whole thing still hurts every once and awhile. 😅

 

[Caddywompus]

Forgive me , I didn't mean to come off as a jerk , so my apologies , I just disagreed with what you posted in regards to those specific things I mentioned.

Click to shrink...

No worries, I wanted my post to be more of a light at the end of the tunnel than straight up next step advice. All these cravings for connection, lost time invested into this person, everything they are dealing with will come to an end. It could come well before that but once you're in that new relationship all these days longing and living in the past will be forgotten.

And you're right, working on themselves is an important step to that process as long as they can self-reflect and recognize what they need to improve before they commit this much love and energy again to someone else.

For me, putting myself back out there always helped take away what made that person special. It took away that feeling of how will I ever possibly capture this way I feel with someone else. During that search for the next one you learn a lot about yourself and begin to glean from each person things you need to improve.

 

[Atom]

Was p awful. More or less completely ghosted, no closure beyond "I kept thinking about cheating on you". No warning signs bar some gaslighting. They told me they didn't want to socialize at work functions and so I should text them to give them an excuse to disengage. When I did so they told me they couldn't believe how little I thought of them as if they were socially inept. I provided receipts and then got told I was still in the wrong somehow. After the break up when I told them how they treated me was really not ok they told me that I was trying to guilt trip them and so they couldn't talk to me.

I responded by working ~100 hours a week to the point that my manager told me I had to take better care of myself or he'd make me take forced leave, he figured I was trying to kill myself with overwork and I guess in a sense I was.

Anyway this was...idk 4 years ago or so now. I'm very much not over it. The person in question was probably the best friend I ever had for 4 or 5 years and I feel hollow and empty. An exceptionally intelligent individual who I could rely on to have a fulfilling conversation about basically any topic and nothing since has come close and I find it hard to establish any kind of meaningful interpersonal relationships anymore. Covid hasn't helped for sure.

Now I sort of...idk...do work and other hobbies. It's a distraction. I'm able to function more or less properly I guess. Every so often I have a vivid dream that everything is fine and back how it used to be and then I wake up feeling like I want to vomit and cry.

All this is to say OP I'm sorry for what you're going through. I truly hope things get better.

 

[In Medio Stat Virtus]

It was pretty bad for me as i chose to break up and a month later realized i Made a mistake, but no Matter what i did she chose to not turn back. It was my first serious relationship for me so i was very immature.

It hurt for years but what can you do… now we live in different countries and lost all contact.

 

[KillLaCam]

The breakup was kinda rough but mutual. Then we were cool about a month after (not interested in dating but still friends ). eventually she started going crazy acting like a completely different person , posting nonsense everywhere and I hated to see her like that .

So I just unfollowed and muted her on everything for like a year or so . Looked her up earlier this year and I think it was a good choice to stay far away lol. It sucks but is also kinda funny how some people can change that much over a year or 2.

 

[hydruxo]

I got cheated on and it was by far the worst breakup I'd ever had, so yeah not a great experience having your first breakup happen like that. Only time I've ever been cheated on too. Took me a while to come to grips with it because it was in the early years of high school and we had classes together, so it was super awkward seeing her in school all the time. We had been dating for a little over a year at that point and what made it so bad was that everything was going great as far as I could tell, but in reality she was cheating behind my back for several months before I found out from someone who used to be friends with her. I don't think I really got over it until that school year was over, and by the next year it was fine because I was dating someone else by then. Needless to say I've never spoken to that ex since then and I don't want to. In retrospect it was probably a good thing because having that be my first experience with a breakup taught me a lot about relationships.

 

[spookyghost]

It was pretty messy but we're still close friends 24 years later. We weren't right for each other.

 

[RetroMG]

It was bad. I was convinced she was the one, and I had already proposed and she'd said yes. But my friends and family convinced me that it was a toxic relationship and I was not going to be happy long-term. I broke up with her, but I was convinced for at least a year that I had thrown away my only chance at finding love.
Thankfully, I was wrong.
My ex and I tried being friends about two years after the breakup, and it was... good and bad. It was nice having her as my friend, but we also kept flirting back toward picking up where we'd left off. (I say flirting - she was very clear that she was willing to pick it all back up as if nothing happened. I kept saying that it wasn't ever going to happen, but my resolve kept wavering.)
One night, we went together to my best friend's birthday party and spent an hour sitting at a table with a woman who I knew had a major crush on my best friend. As we were leaving the party, my ex said, "You should ask her out. She'd say yes."
I snorted and said, "Why on earth would I take relationship advice from my ex?"
She laughed and said, "Because you know I want you to be happy, and you know I'm right."
I was actually confident that she was wrong, but I thought, what the hell, and the next time I ran into the woman on campus, I asked her to a movie. She had her doubts about me, but she said yes. We went to the movie, then we went to IHOP and talked for hours. Then we went on another date, and then another, and now we've been married for fifteen years and have two kids and another on the way.
The ex texted me about two weeks into my new relationship and told me that it was too hard seeing me happy with another woman. That was the last I heard from her. I understand she's married now with a few kids of her own, and I hope she's happy.

 

[diakyu]

I'm not gonna lie it was a horrid state of affairs. I didn't recover for years. I can't see myself ever reconnecting with her when she made it clear she wanted nothing to do with me at all, so I'll just keep it that way. Practically ghosted over text after a year and a half that shit burns.

 

[Lucini]

The first breakup sucked but I was in high school and ended up with probably the most wild senior year because of it so I'd call that a wash. We are friends now and it's pretty much like we never dated. We're connected on socials but that's about it, she lives a few hours away. There was a time there where we spoke to each other fairly regularly though, because we were good friends pre-dating.

 

[squeakywheel]

You just move on. It was rough for a little bit and I was just bitter. But time heals all wounds and I never looked back (neither did she).

 

[Blue Ninja]

Oof, badly. I don't like looking back on those days. They get better, OP, believe me. It just takes time.

She ended up becoming a colleague, years later. We get along fine now.

 

[Kazooie]

while he was telling me that I would never be "the one" but I was fine until he could find ~the one

Click to shrink...

What the fuck kind of person was that? What a horrible douchebag, I am very sorry you had to deal with such a person.

I haven't had a break up and I hope it stays that way. My wife is also my first partner.

 

[Kino]

Broke up because of his drug problems. He's clean now and we're still friends, but the loss of the relationship still stings. Time is the only thing that'll heal it.

 

[Joe White]

Mostly it just took time, but I did have best friends for support and distractions. I had an healthy outlet where to pour my sadness, anger and all the other feelings, and got support, stability and guidance in return.

Never reconnected and it was better that way.

 

[Rassilon]

As other is have said - time.

During my previous breakup (mutual and nearly smooth) we stopped talking for about a year.

Nowadays we still hang out every so often and are friendly.

For a long time I felt a range of emotions when thinking about them, and now I just think of them as a friend.

 

[Leafshield]

My first serious breakup wasn't until I was about 30, we'd been together most of my 20s. We didn't really reconnect after that, we were both really busy and on the other side of the city from each other, and I think that probably helped me process it. I hadn't really been on my own since I was what then felt like very young and naive, and it was interesting to use the time to really reassess what was important to me at that stage in my life. I had a great summer of exploring new hobbies, travel, improving other relationships. When I look back, I feel like the relationship had run it's course and it ending let me spread my wings a bit. It was painful at the time but by a year or so later, I barely thought about it at all. That breakup, what I learned from the relationship and the changes and opportunities it led to led to a much healthier relationship with my wife, we've been together a decade now.

 

[EarlGreyHot]

My first breakup was terrible. She was my first serious girlfriend and we were together for 6 years. After we broke up we made a big mistake: we kept sleeping with each other for a year (!). All that time we were just "friends" but it sure as hell didn't feel like that for me.

So what followed was fucking drama because I felt like we were exclusive while we were not. Manipulative behavior from both sides, stalking, yelling at each other…. it was horrible.

It finally ended when I met my wife and I've never ever spoke to my ex again since that day 15 years ago.

Don't sleep with your ex is my advice.

 

[Marcus Aurelius]

No and no lol

My breakups have rarely gone down amicably. I don't know if I am the common denominator there or the relationships have just been so passionate that when they do end, the amount of emotion involved just leads to harsher responses from both parties.

I guess it doesn't help that I know for certain that at least two of them ended because of social class elitism and not by any fault of either myself or my partner.

 

[Menchin]

She cheated on me so it was pretty easy to break up with her, and no, I haven't reconnected nor would I ever want to

 

[Sento]

It wasn't that bad but it took me a couple of weeks to move on.
we still follow each other on IG.

 

[Kain-Nosgoth]

Only had one breakup, and it was only after 1 month of relationship... i was sad and frustrated for like a week and that's it, never seen that girl again

it's been 9 years now, still not able to find someone else

 

[Slacker247]

Ages. I love hard(er than I thought). It's human nature to think back on them still. But had to keep reminding myself that we simply weren't compatible (we were awesome friends, but it shouldn't have become romantic). Neither of us were wholly innocent, and neither are bad people. Lots of teenaged behaviour for what are meant to be two grown-ass adults!. Surprised it even was a thing. But I do regret ever making it a thing, not gonna lie. Rather I never met them, but live and learn, as they say.

It was a secret kind of flame for reasons (no affair, nothing like that, just a quiet thing really), so I couldn't really tell anyone - only a couple friends/one family member knew, so by the time I exploded and confided in them, it was like a torrent of info to them. Am certain I lost one or two other friends over it/her, which is a shame. It was my first "real" emotional thing with anyone - I even thought of marrying her, so I was quite depressed for at least one year, and depending on the mood/air and where I am, I will sometimes have this sinking feeling every now and again before I snap myself out of ancient history! It'll be a quick flash of a memory with her at a place I just passed that we went to. This is normal, best to snap out of it.

The immediate period of the official breakup had me lose appetite, felt sick in the stomach often (I visibly lost weight), didn't want to socialise with most of my friends (especially those who I knew had a close tie with her), anxiety; the usual works, really. Of course, I cried a couple times on my own, since as I said, it was a secret flame/one I didn't really share with most people. It hurt. It really, really hurt. People don't lie when they described their emotions, now I knew haha. I

I think it is true, time does heal, but everyone's duration will differ. Seeing her on dating apps makes you wonder, naturally, but we are both on separate paths now. I still have some minor internal anxiety of ever bumping into them randomly and/or a mutual friend being mean enough to make us sit in a room together despite me firmly saying I don't want any contact anymore.

It was for the best we never kept in touch. I wish her well honestly. However, I don't want past flames in my present that would be a potential flag for anyone new I date. I wouldn't be too fond of my new flame's exes hovering around either, personally. That said, I'm not dating right now, but am back on the market.

OP, just take your time but at the same time, you will need to pick yourself back up. If you have people to chat to, go for it. I was lucky I even had one/two people to chat to, which helped, but I still had to deal with a lot of it on my own because I was just so private and didn't share major details with them. Allow yourself this period to mourn and get stuck into some interesting hobbies. Before you know it, you'll be re-energised. It can happen a bit randomly. But don't allow yourself to keep falling into despair, a lot of it is gonna be how you help yourself too. Try and have wholesome fun where you can, that helped me (play with nieces or nephews, if you have them).

 

[Sunster]

my first real breakup was at 23 and the best thing i ever did for myself was block her on all social media. that's what finally allowed me to move on. after i did move on I unblocked her. but i wont talk to her again. it was more of a symbolic move.