How can people just discard another human like you're nothing?

[Stiler]

Sorry for the rant but had to post it somewheore to get it off my chest.

I recently struck up a connection with someone (long distance, not IRL) and it came on quite quickly. It seemed like there was a connection, we had a lot in common, both in how fucked up we both were and in our hopes/dreams and what we wanted out of life as well as a ton of interests we shared (that's how we got to talking in the first place).

Then about as quickly as it began it just..stopped, like we were texting and sending messages everyday, getting to know each other and what our lives were like and our pasts and she'd talk about wanting to find love and everything and how much she liked me. Then just one day it stopped, like suddenly, no more messages from her. I'd send one, get a reply to it and that's it, she'd never text me unless I texted her and then before I know it she's talking about being with some other guy on her sm.

I'm just sitting here like, did I fuck it up somehow? If not then how can people literally just lead you along and drop you, not even tell you "things aren't working out," just straight up stop talking to you like one day they want to love you and unload their entire life story for you and the next pretend like you're just some random stranger.

I know, it wasn't in person and online but it still hurts ☹️.

 

[DeathyBoy]

Been there, OP. On both sides.

Eventually you'll meet someone who you dig so much it terrifies you to the point of your being, but you'll stick around because losing them is a far more terrifying proposition. And likewise for them.

 

[Pall Mall]

People will still do this in real life, but I'd say this probably happens a lot more with online-only relationships. Its really easy to desensitize yourself to the fact that there's another real human being on the other side. Sorry that happened man.

 

[Macnair]

LDR almost never work.

 

[DiipuSurotu]

Online relationships are not relationships. How can you connect with someone you have never met

 

[Rad]

This is really common in the age of Tinder and other online dating apps/sites.

 

[ProfessorLobo]

Yeah I don't understand why people do this.

If she's still replying to you, you should probably lay out how you feel, at least for closure. Just don't be surprised if it results in a full ghost.

EDIT: Now that I read your message more closely, it's a little less surprising. When someone finds someone in real life they tend to cut off all their other relationships that are even mildly romantic.

 

[Fliesen]

I know, it wasn't in person and online but it still hurts ☹.

Click to shrink...

Sorry you were hurt by that experience.

But just as easy it is to connect with people online, it's similarly easy to disconnect, or to connect with multiple people at the same time.

And the simple fact that both of you were very open with one another with regards to hopes, dreams and worries, doesn't mean that both of you felt the same kind of intense connection (You certainly did). I mean, look at forums like ERA - people share all kinds of shit with perfect strangers.

It's actually easier to talk about things with strangers for some people, because there's little to no risk of that information making the rounds in your actual real life social circle.

Getting emotionally invested in friendships / relationships with people that happen entirely via the phone is always rather risky. Like, the person you interacted with maybe didn't really consider you a friend, but rather as a really fun pen pal. :/

 

[Deleted member 4353]

Sorry dude it sucks.

 

[Stiler]

Sorry you were hurt by that experience.

But just as easy it is to connect with people online, it's similarly easy to disconnect, or to connect with multiple people at the same time.

And the simple fact that both of you were very open with one another with regards to hopes, dreams and worries, doesn't mean that both of you felt the same kind of intense connection (You certainly did). I mean, look at forums like ERA - people share all kinds of shit with perfect strangers.

It's actually easier to talk about things with strangers for some people, because there's little to no risk of that information making the rounds in your actual real life social circle.

Getting emotionally invested in friendships / relationships with people that happen entirely via the phone is always rather risky. Like, the person you interacted with maybe didn't really consider you a friend, but rather as a really fun pen pal. :/

Click to shrink...

It wasn't a one way thing with just me having feelings for her, she literally told me she liked me and wanted to be with me after talking for a bit and getting to know one another.

 

[JealousKenny]

Everyone has a lot in common online. It's just so easy to be whatever the other person wants without a way for them to know if you are being honest. These connections have to be confirmed in person before they mean much and even then the first few dates you aren't seeing the real person.

 

[gofreak]

Sorry buddy.

Technology makes it easy to create very fleeting connections. You were easy to talk to because you were a stranger, and easy to let go of because you were a stranger.

That's not to say this doesn't happen with 'real'/'live' connections - it does - but technology makes it even easier.

This will pass, much as it's hurting you now. Trust me.

I'm sure you've a very open heart - and an open heart and this kind of situation is an easy route to heartache. For your own sake you need to be more guarded - and there's nothing wrong or 'sad' about having to be more guarded. Get to know people in real life. Don't invest in anything upfront, with expectations - be it a romantic relationship, be it a friendship. These are not one-and-done transactions that entitles you to anything. It's a long run series of small mutual investments that hopefully builds over time. Hopefully - not assuredly. For example: first dates are not dates - they're figuring out if you even like the person well enough to go on a second date, and that's all. You can't even, IMO, call a dating situation like this a 'relationship' until months down the line. It's a slow process. And at any point, then, or years later, people are entitled to let go of a relationship, with more or less grace.

You'll later come to be grateful for the experience. People for whom love and relationships seem 'easy' - it rarely is. Most of the highschool sweethearts and early marriers I know are, 15 years later, either no longer together or in loveless marriages for the sake of children. Because they never had these growing pains, they never figured out their own value independent of a relationship, what they really wanted, or who they really liked. They're doing that now.

I digress. It'll get better. Learn the lessons, you will be good.

 

[Dusk Golem]

People here are blaming long-distance, but that's actually not what happened here I'm pretty certain in the OP's example. This shows all the obvious signs of social anxiety, most likely stemmed from a history of emotional and mental abuse. The talks about fucked up things, loneliness, longing to be close to someone but when you get too close you withdraw, that sorta' thing. My suspicion is that the thought of losing someone from past experiences is painful they're the one to end it first, in addition they believe themselves deep down to be a hurtful force. This might sound like backwards logic, but my guess though not explicitly stated is she has a history of abuse, probably mental and/or emotional, which has made maintaining long-term relationships difficult.

I also kinda'; doubt if this wasn't long-distance this wouldn't have gone much better. While it's true it's easier to ghost someone online, that doesn't mean it's that much harder in the real world. Vulnerability and openness is a key to making online relationships work, and honestly real world relationships too it just needs that a bit earlier, and that can be scary/painful and takes some emotional maturity or willingness to take some dives.

Mental and Emotional abuse often lead to long-term anxiety and social withdrawal, which leads to loneliness. It also leads to long-term effects like guilt, insomnia, moodiness, difficulty concentrating, fear, a feeling of hopelessness. It can go on. Now I know I'm working off limited information and I maybe shouldn't psycho-analyze this person I don't know, but I'd very heavily place my guess/bets that there's a history of abuse behind this particular story and her behavior.

 

[Turnabout Sisters]

this exact thing happened to me a few weeks ago almost word for word, except we met in person, and when i sent texts, there wasn't any response at all. communication was just totally cut suddenly.

it's just crushing because they seemed so sincere when they said they'd like to go on another date, you see it in their face, then you feel like you have to re-evaluate everything you know about understanding people's feelings and body language. guess I was just too stupid and oblivious. and even worse when you share a ton of interests, then someone with those same interests as you apparently thinks so little of you that youre not even worth a goodbye message, it makes you wonder if all those things you like even help you be a better person, or if they're worth it. I judged their character as someone who would never be that cold and apparently my ability to judge humans is apparently worth nothing. this kind of thing tears you apart and makes you question everything. I really thought I made a connection with someone but apparently i just have no clue what a connection is. i start questioning if I'm a creep, smell bad, came on too strong, every little thing that could have gone wrong.

And if it's a problem on their end, then it doesn't make me feel any better whatsoever. it makes me feel like hell. maybe they're racked with guilt, maybe something really bad happened to them, maybe you were too good a match and they felt intimidated, idk, whatever shit you can make up to feel full of yourself, or somehow make yourself feel better by putting the blame on something other than yourself, will just kill you worrying about their wellbeing

I try to think of myself as someone who always considers the others' perspective, and i could never bring myself to do this to someone. At the same time I don't want to just insist I'm so superior by the fact that I wouldn't do it. I like to believe the other person is somehow justified in doing it, because I want to believe other people are good. But apparently this is totally normal and I'm just a sap for thinking this way. it still stings so bad but i wasn't worth enough to have my feelings considered. I just want to fight it with relentless positivity and wish them the absolute best.

sorry for the sob post, this has just been eating away at my soul for like a month

 

[TheBaldwin]

Try not to get too attached to someone that you have not yet met.

It's easy for people to let loose and commit to feelings when they've never met you in person, and its even easier to cut those feelings off.

Don't stress too much about it OP, and it's not the other persons fault either sometimes. It might seem from your point of view that they were eager, but they were just casual about it ya know?.

You put yourself out there and that's good, leave this one be and just move on to the next one. Alot of the time it ain't you, you don't really know whats going on with the other person.

 

[Officer Big Mac]

That's the trouble with long distance friendships. Its all just talk. Theres no actual shared experience that allows you to form strong bonds. In the end you never really get to know the person. You get to know the parts they want to show you. The ability to ghost without repercussions from their social group is all too easy as well.

 

[Deleted member 14887]

At least they didn't do the absolute worst thing ever and hold a door open for you.

 

[Officer Big Mac]

At least they didn't do the absolute worst thing ever and hold a door open for you.

Click to shrink...

Just the door to his heart.

 

[DiipuSurotu]

At least they didn't do the absolute worst thing ever and hold a door open for you.

Click to shrink...

They kind of did metaphorically

 

[Deleted member 984]

Consider the situation this looks like emotional immaturity resulting in ghosting rather than a power play.

This type isn't malicious, likely uncertain on what to say and anxious about the whole thing. Or totally preoccupied and you were never important enough to come into the equation and unaware of your true feelings.

 

[Deleted member 14887]

Just the door to his heart.

Click to shrink...

 

[Deleted member 8674]

At least they didn't do the absolute worst thing ever and hold a door open for you.

Click to shrink...

lol

 

[Knight in Shining Armani]

Because it's easy with technology. That's why.

 

[Deleted member 15737]

I mean, you started a connection that easily online because you're essentially talking to yourself.

That's been my experience with online relationships. There's a ton of room for projecting yourself onto them. Or forming idealized versions of them where your brain fills in an overwhelming number of gaps (two ways of saying basically the same thing). And because they generally evolve from a shared interest, you end up talking about what you like with yourself. It's very strange lol.

But yeah dude she probably prefers to have relationships IRL and met someone in person. She'll probably hit you up if she breaks up if you stay friends in the meantime.

 

[Girder_Shade]

We're essentially animals and there's a food chain.

 

[Pirateluigi]

Breaking things off with someone is hard, especially if you have developed real feelings for that person. It can feel "easier" to just stop putting as much effort into things in the hope that they actually end things themselves. Combine that with the ease of ghosting online and the social anxiety you described and these kinds of things happen a lot. Despite that, it sucks and I'm sorry.

 

[Jon_Sama]

It wasn't a one way thing with just me having feelings for her, she literally told me she liked me and wanted to be with me after talking for a bit and getting to know one another.

Click to shrink...

It's nice to want things, but depending on the distance between you chances are she saw the writing on the wall and didn't have the courage to break it to you.

Or if it was through a dating site, she probably had several conversations going on, as that's what most people do.

 

[Admiral Woofington]

It happens OP. Just consider the fact not everybody has the means to just drop their life and be with the other long distance person so many opt to just stop or lower their presence and focus on the relationships they have more locally because those you don't have to get in a plane to go visit.

There's a reason so many long distance relationships fail. Take this as a learning experience that while you may connect with people online, being more than just online buddies to chat once in a while is likely unrealistic.

 

[TitanicFall]

Because dating is about personal satisfaction. I don't think people are malicious when they break things off. They are just gutless.

 

[Baccus]

The good old power pen pal. I'm sorry pal, been there, done that. Most of the time one just projects into the other person but because the connection is only "digital" things are as fleeting as they can be.

Source: I fell in love with my power pen pal of 2 years and God if the landing hurt. But if you keep your cool, you have the possibility to make things happen later in the "real world". Of course at that point its like starting from scratch. But it can be done :)

 

[Chivalry]

Been there, OP. Sometimes people just lose interest or too socially inadequate. It sucks, but it happens.

 

[Vex]

People here are blaming long-distance, but that's actually not what happened here I'm pretty certain in the OP's example. This shows all the obvious signs of social anxiety, most likely stemmed from a history of emotional and mental abuse. The talks about fucked up things, loneliness, longing to be close to someone but when you get too close you withdraw, that sorta' thing. My suspicion is that the thought of losing someone from past experiences is painful they're the one to end it first, in addition they believe themselves deep down to be a hurtful force. This might sound like backwards logic, but my guess though not explicitly stated is she has a history of abuse, probably mental and/or emotional, which has made maintaining long-term relationships difficult.

I also kinda'; doubt if this wasn't long-distance this wouldn't have gone much better. While it's true it's easier to ghost someone online, that doesn't mean it's that much harder in the real world. Vulnerability and openness is a key to making online relationships work, and honestly real world relationships too it just needs that a bit earlier, and that can be scary/painful and takes some emotional maturity or willingness to take some dives.

Mental and Emotional abuse often lead to long-term anxiety and social withdrawal, which leads to loneliness. It also leads to long-term effects like guilt, insomnia, moodiness, difficulty concentrating, fear, a feeling of hopelessness. It can go on. Now I know I'm working off limited information and I maybe shouldn't psycho-analyze this person I don't know, but I'd very heavily place my guess/bets that there's a history of abuse behind this particular story and her behavior.

Click to shrink...

Holy shit. I ghosted this one girl like this. I just stopped. She thought she did something wrong. I couldn't explain it to her so I just shut it down. She would call me from different phone numbers almost everyday (including disposable Google voice numbers) And when I think about it, this is exactly............ Oh God.

 

[Antrax]

Sucks, OP. But I agree with what someone said above about online connections being easy. We don't have awkward silences when texting, so if you read your text chains back, they look like a super great conversation. But if they were face to face, often they turn out much less enthralling.

This shows all the obvious signs of social anxiety, most likely stemmed from a history of emotional and mental abuse.

Click to shrink...

I think armchair diagnoses like this are a bit dangerous.

 

[Wackamole]

Could be a number of reasons. All not good enough.
Some people just suck as a human being, but most are just complicated and scared for different reasons.

Continue to give the proper example yourself.

 

[Crossing Eden]

t seemed like there was a connection, we had a lot in common, both in how fucked up we both were

Click to shrink...

This was never going to work OP.

 

[Jonathan Lanza]

Online relationships are not relationships. How can you connect with someone you have never met

Click to shrink...

I feel like this ignores the many people who have made lasting friendships online.

 

[signal]

Online relationships are not relationships. How can you connect with someone you have never met

Click to shrink...

What about us?

 

[Deleted member 4552]

Sorry for the rant but had to post it somewheore to get it off my chest.

I recently struck up a connection with someone (long distance, not IRL) and it came on quite quickly. It seemed like there was a connection, we had a lot in common, both in how fucked up we both were and in our hopes/dreams and what we wanted out of life as well as a ton of interests we shared (that's how we got to talking in the first place).

Then about as quickly as it began it just..stopped, like we were texting and sending messages everyday, getting to know each other and what our lives were like and our pasts and she'd talk about wanting to find love and everything and how much she liked me. Then just one day it stopped, like suddenly, no more messages from her. I'd send one, get a reply to it and that's it, she'd never text me unless I texted her and then before I know it she's talking about being with some other guy on her sm.

I'm just sitting here like, did I fuck it up somehow? If not then how can people literally just lead you along and drop you, not even tell you "things aren't working out," just straight up stop talking to you like one day they want to love you and unload their entire life story for you and the next pretend like you're just some random stranger.

I know, it wasn't in person and online but it still hurts ☹.

Click to shrink...

Oh don't be an overinvested moron op.

Go meet people in real life and get out of your brainspace.

Get tinder, find a date, go have a chat with her and don't overinvest.

No one likes desperation.

If it doesn't work out, who cares.

My friend was like you, took me a long time, years to snap him out of that mindset.

 

[BasilZero]

Online relationships are not relationships. How can you connect with someone you have never met

Click to shrink...

I see this as well and this is years after I did stuff like MMO and have met with so many people online.

At the most, you are just an acquaintance meaning you know they are there and have been in contact but arent really friends or whatever to the point you would have an actual connection with compared to people IRL.

 

[Messofanego]

I've been there too, long distance relationships are a waste of time and emotion until you actually meet and don't rely on shared trauma being the glue to make you two stick together. I'm glad I got over it, we decided to mutually part ways and then she contacts me out of the blue half an year later when I've already met my wife-to-be at the time.

You'llmove on from this, we all learn from these mistakes.

 

[sora87]

It seems to be easy for most people. My last relationship ended after my ex just decided she didn't care for me one day, after nearly 2 years and forming a bond with her two kids.

 

[LosDaddie]

Welcome to dating.
It's never been easy

 

[DiipuSurotu]

Welcome to dating.
It's never been easy

Click to shrink...

He never dated her

 

[spam musubi]

Online relationships are not relationships. How can you connect with someone you have never met

Click to shrink...

One of my best friends I've met online many years ago and we talk a lot every day. I recently went to his wedding and we had a great time. Online relationships can be relationships. Of course, if you're talking about a romantic/sexual relationship the expectations can be a bit different.

 

[Z-Beat]

It happens, OP. Try not to take it too personally.

 

[Deleted member 543]

She probably has some form of anxiety related to past experiences with people.

I've had a couple of people in real life who forced their way into my life and were my best friend for a while, and then completely disappeared. One of them told me that they historically did this, where she would intensely pursue someone until she just pulled way back, out of some mental block which stopped them going forward. Still shocked me when it happened and I was asking myself for ages what I could have done wrong. Another time it was a mutual friend who confirmed this was a pattern.

It sucks, but you have to hold on to the fact that it's nothing to do with you, and that whatever you had was real at the time. She was drawn to you because of your good qualities. Just keep putting those good qualities out there and you'll find someone who is capable of taking the next step.

 

[GDGF]

Sorry buddy.

Technology makes it easy to create very fleeting connections. You were easy to talk to because you were a stranger, and easy to let go of because you were a stranger.

That's not to say this doesn't happen with 'real'/'live' connections - it does - but technology makes it even easier.

This will pass, much as it's hurting you now. Trust me.

I'm sure you've a very open heart - and an open heart and this kind of situation is an easy route to heartache. For your own sake you need to be more guarded - and there's nothing wrong or 'sad' about having to be more guarded. Get to know people in real life. Don't invest in anything upfront, with expectations - be it a romantic relationship, be it a friendship. These are not one-and-done transactions that entitles you to anything. It's a long run series of small mutual investments that hopefully builds over time. Hopefully - not assuredly. For example: first dates are not dates - they're figuring out if you even like the person well enough to go on a second date, and that's all. You can't even, IMO, call a dating situation like this a 'relationship' until months down the line. It's a slow process. And at any point, then, or years later, people are entitled to let go of a relationship, with more or less grace.

You'll later come to be grateful for the experience. People for whom love and relationships seem 'easy' - it rarely is. Most of the highschool sweethearts and early marriers I know are, 15 years later, either no longer together or in loveless marriages for the sake of children. Because they never had these growing pains, they never figured out their own value independent of a relationship, what they really wanted, or who they really liked. They're doing that now.

I digress. It'll get better. Learn the lessons, you will be good.

Click to shrink...

Every kid ever needs to read this post.