Having a kid now w/ girlfriend but girlfriend is not financially healthy

[FunkyMonkey]

How is context completely lost on so many people?

My judgment and shaming is being done towards to the people advocating for an abortion based on the very limited information we have, which basically just paints a less-than-ideal picture and not something where people would be in danger from a health or financial perspective.

The reaction would be very different if this were a thread in which the woman came in asking for advice and being very worried about bringing a child into the world given whatever circumstances she might be facing.

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every. single. time. someone gets an abortion, it means they weren't ready to have a child. how do you know? because they got an abortion.

the OP's girlfriend isn't going to see this topic and gifs and suddenly decide to abort. people are responding to what they themselves would do in this situation. do we need the OP's tax returns or entire life story to give advice? of course not, but they literally listed a few of the worst case scenarios to have a child in, so yes, people are going to respond with "abort if you can" and the like.

topic: for the love of zeus don't marry her, at least right now. it's her decision n regards to the child but you have say about getting married.

 

[Deleted member 19003]

At 6 months this screams of desperation on both sides.

Sounds to me this girl thinks she got herself a good one.

If you are bothered by her finances can you imagine how much shit about her you have not discovered.

THINK OP

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Wtf, y'all sound so sexist saying stuff like this. Like you're accusing the gf of getting prenant on purpose to "trap" the good one.

 

[BringBackSonics]

Being forced to marry someone and have a child with them when you barely even know them, yeah, my take was outrageous

/s

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He doesn't have to marry anyone, and sure it's not ideal to have a child with someone he's been together for 6 months, I still think it's hyperbole that his life is ruined for 18 years.

 

[Knight in Shining Armani]

This is the thread that made me realize that I may be against abortion

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So you're against mothers choosing what'll happen to their own body and the rest of their lives? Interesting.

 

[gutter_trash]

is she that type of girl who would get pregnant on purpose to hook a marriage?

because the way her mother talks about marriage, leads me to believe that this "unplanned" pregnancy might as have been part of her "plan" all along

 

[InceptionLoop]

In general, almost no one is ready to have kids. You figure it out as you go. I guess I'm in the camp that thinks abortions should be reserved for when the parents or baby's health would be in danger, or the parents would be in situation where they just could not support raising a child. I don't think it should be something that is a quick way to absolve yourself of any personal responsibility for having unprotected sex.

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These are the points that pro-life people bring to the discussion. If they don't want the kid they should abort.

 

[Ding Dong Daddy]

Do you have a vague job at a bank and do you feel you are close to a promotion?

 

[Terminus]

I think abortion should be legal and accessible, but I also think people should not advocate for it when someone just fucks up and didn't plan a pregnancy despite their situation really not being all that bad. I can have both of those opinions at once!

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Then you don't actually want it to be accessible. You want credit for claiming that you support it in theory, but you'd prefer that it remain stigmatized and restricted through social pressure and self-righteous moral condemnation. "You fucked up, now live with the consequences because I happen to think you can make it work" is such wildly condescending bullshit. Your evaluation of someone else's financial situation and interpersonal compatibility should have exactly zero bearing on the permissibility of abortion. You either support the bodily autonomy of individuals in every case, or you support the right of a privileged few to dictate what other people must do with their own bodies.

 

[vodalus]

Look at the end of the day she has to cut off her mom and that's just how it is. The expense of having a child is enormous.

If you like her, keep dating. If you stop liking her break up with her and go from there. If there is conflict with her mother, just explain as plain as you can, that you have to make your own decisions and you're always going to make the best ones you can for you and your family, and you hope everyone can respect that.

 

[Ricelord]

Tell your gf mother to get off of her lazy ass and work.

 

[unholyFarmer]

Guys, abortion isn't legal in the country they're in. It's most likely very dangerous for the gf to try to pursue an illegal abortion. She could die. So let's not be so flippant about it. It's a very serious problem for her and him.

Op, talk to your gf and tell her you will support the baby, but you do not wish to marry at this time. If she does want to pursue an abortion, help her go out of the country to get it safely done.

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This is an important point for OP. This kind of discussion is trickier in countries where abortion is illegal, as most of the people who practice that in such countries are not even doctors, more like butchers. OP, if you want to bring this topic to your gf (which I think you should based on your posts) please look for all the necessary information beforehand. This is not only her body and her fetus, but her safety is at risk too.

If you cannot find any real doctor in your city/country with a solid track of record for treating abortions, you need to have in mind which country she could go to in order to abort. You should be prepared to cover the expenses and tag along to give her all the support she will need. If you have a clear plan and are willing to provide her with everything she might need in this situation, then I think you would be ready to bring this subject up.

 

[Euphoria]

A thread full of people telling a dude to tell his GF to have an abortion.

How about we don't do that. Don't go suggesting he do anything of the sort. It's her choice, he fucked up. If an abortion is going to happen it won't because OP pressured it.

Decisions in life have consequences and OP may likely have to deal his some here.

 

[Microsoft]

So you're against mothers choosing what'll happen to their own body and the rest of their lives? Interesting.

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I just think doesn't look like OP is in a particular "hardship" situation and he just wants to take the easy way out. Also, it looks like abortion is not an option under his situation because of laws, so either way OP is screwed.

 

[Rayne]

OP aborting or not is up to her really but for the love of god do not marry someone you've only known for 6 months and is springing information like being broke as shit on you. Red flags this early on only means there's more to come.

Support your child (if she has it) best you can but that does not mean you have to marry your girlfriend.

 

[gutter_trash]

You can still be a father without getting married,

I suspect that this was part of the plan to hook a marriage

 

[99nikniht]

Wtf, y'all sound so sexist saying stuff like this. Like you're accusing the gf of getting prenant on purpose to "trap" the good one.

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Maybe because in a country that made abortion illegal, this scenario become even more realistic, given the circumstances, i.e., 6 months of dating, immediately getting pressured to get married, and etc.

 

[Euphoria]

I do not believe OP should get married. It would be incredibly foolish.

By all mean please stay with her and try to sort everything out, but don't rush into marriage. You've known her all of 6 months.

 

[LuigiMario]

It's not his choice to abort

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[Gwenpoolshark]

6 Months feels like 5 weeks once you've been together for more than 3 years.

Neither of you have any idea what you're getting into, finances or no. Even if both of you were extremely financially well off and convinced that you were in love, this would still be way too early to have a child.

 

[Buckle]

Support her but never feel pressured to marry becuase of a pregnancy.

Kids can sense that and it can fuck them up when their parents are only together and constantly fighting or unhappy becuase of it.

 

[RoninStrife]

OP... honestly, I've got some family who was... umm, in a similar situation. Let me tell you... in the kindest way possible... you will end up depressed, sad and constantly considering divorce and even psychologically hurting your child who would live with fighting and unhappiness daily. My silly cousin that's in your situation even became suicidal from being in a relationship he felt hooked into, every year it just affected him more and more. In fact, the way he is even so distant with his kid these days... fucking gross.At the time, his then gf(now wife) also wanted to get married, rejecting to have an abortion and she was broke too.
Don't marry her.
Whatever choice you two make regarding the baby, it isn't smart to marry her.

 

[Sai]

A thread full of people telling a dude to tell his GF to have an abortion.

How about we don't do that. Don't go suggesting he do anything of the sort. It's her choice, he fucked up. If an abortion is going to happen it won't because OP pressured it.

Decisions in life have consequences and OP may likely have to deal his some here.

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theres a huge gulf between pressuring someone to have an abortion and having a discussion about how it might be their best option given their current financial and living situations.

 

[Lady Catherine de Bourgh]

OP I appreciate your efforts to make the best possible decision in such unfortunate circumstances. Also a calm assessment of the facts may be more helpful than all people screaming catastrophe.

1. How would your girlfriend be treated if people find out that she is pregnant out of wedlock?
2. How will your child be treated if born out of wedlock.
3. If the answer is that they will be shunned and shamed then it is not very surprising that your girlfriend and her mother see marriage as the best or even only possible solution.
4. Your girlfriend probably is taking the same kind of risk as you are. That you make enough money to support the three of you (keeping mother out of this for now) is by no means enough to be sure of her future happiness. The risk will always be that you marry her out of obligation instead of love. You both didn't have a lot of time to get to know each other through and through. You can only guess if there is enough love between the to of you to build a strong foundation.
5. The stress of this whole situation doesn't make it easier to get to know her better (although you will both find out how you function under pressure.
6. Will she want to continue her career?
7. What can family do for you and what will you have left to support both your families?

Best of luck OP. In this kind of situation a crystal ball would come in handy, but I hope that you will make the best possible choice for both your futures.

 

[h1nch]

Based on the info in this thread getting married seems like an absolutely terrible idea.

 

[RoninStrife]

OP never mentioned the word LOVE a single time in his post. Thats a sign you shouldn't marry her. AT. ALL.

 

[JaseC64]

So you have to get married and potentially help support your future mother in law.

Why dont you talk to your gf and tell her you dont want to get married right now but still support her and the future child?

You guys have to keep the mother separate from this relationship if you want it to be healthy. It seems she is throwing a wrench in your relationship you dont need.

Marrying based on a tradition is bullshit. So is for religious reasons. You only marry if you really love each other. You can still raise your kid without being married if you love one another.

I dont know man but you guys need to have a heart to heart convo right now. Sit down and work the things between you 2.

 

[Xpike]

seems you stuck with child payments for the rest of your life OP

 

[Malleymal]

Do not use this child as a reason to get married. That is a thing of the ost and will only lead to you legally having to do things that you will not want to. It is ok to have a kid while dating and figure out what you and the mom are going to be. If it doesn't work out, be adults and good parents to your soon to be child.

 

[Deleted member 19003]

Maybe because in a country that made abortion illegal, this scenario become even more realistic, given the circumstances, i.e., 6 months of dating, immediately getting pressured to get married, and etc.

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It's more ridiculous then. Assuming a woman would want to put her life at risk in a country that doesn't allow easy access to abortions in order to catch "the good one". It's a sexist and hateful view of women to think that's the case. We don't even know the gf at all.

 

[Sunster]

this thread is a dumpster fire

 

[Dali]

Image the type of hell you'd be living in if the freeloading mother in law moved in with you and did first hand freeloading instead of your wife letting her leach your joint funds from a distance. That's some classic "i hate my mother in law" sitcom tv trope stuff. You already clearly resent her (the would be in-law) for being a bum and freeloading off your girlfriend. Just imagine how much more you'd resent her after you have your own family that you prioritize first and she's putting stress on your ability to support them.

 

[joecanada]

So she's not rich and cares for her family. Is this a deal-breaker for you?

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Op described the mother as freeloading in their own words .... caring for your family doesn't mean being their piggy bank .

 

[Deleted member 56580]

Op. This is your child with her and the mother isn't in the equation when it comes down to that. There is no scenario, EVER, where your gf supports the child and her mum. The child, her, and you always come first no matter what and there's no bargaining around it

 

[99nikniht]

It's more ridiculous then. Assuming a woman would want to put her life at risk in a country that doesn't allow easy access to abortions in order to catch "the good one". It's a sexist and hateful view of women to think that's the case. We don't even know the gf at all.

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It's hard to say given the circumstances, meaning, that cultural differences and how these things are perceived in their local culture. I'm not suggesting or even making a claim that is exactly what is going on, however, I would not put it past anyone, guy or girl, to think and actually use a pregnancy to "catch a good one." I can speak from my personal experience about this, meaning, that's what my mom did to my dad, as fucked up as that is, and my parents ended up being toxic as shit for me and my siblings, but that's a whole other tangent and another can of worms to get into, which I won't, as it would derail this thread.

 

[Deleted member 9241]

This thread is peak Era.

 

[Landy828]

You actually think a dude that goes to an online forum for advice about this situation is ready to have kids. Also abortions aren't just for the most extreme scenarios.

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There are thousands of people here with life experiences that could help him. Most of the people on this forum are family and kid having age.

OP, you need to sit down and talk to your girlfriend.

 

[Deleted member 8683]

FYI, abortion/termination is not legal in our country. There are still ways of course, but me and my gf have not discussed it yet. I fear that If I tell my gf that I do not want to get married, she will freak out as well. In that scenario, I do not know if she will carry our child to term or look for ways terminate.

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What country?
Do you have any kind of social care/welfare that could take care of your GF's mom if she were to not get any more financial support from her? A concrete example would be that here in Sweden we could theoretically just tell our parents to piss off and they'd get state financed welfare to get by and stay our of homelessness.

Edit: I'm asking since it seems your GF is actually finanicially sound, but spends her money irresponsibly out of a belief of responsibilities.

 

[Rackham]

Maybe her mom can babysit for free for you guys. Trust me, you will need her to at some points. Maybe discuss a prenup and get then married.

 

[Deleted member 11626]

I was with someone I thought I loved for six months. It turned out horribly. You don't know this woman, regardless of whether you all keep the baby or not, do not get married right now. It takes years to be able to get to know someone well enough to marry. If she keeps the baby, focus on being a good dad, and I can't imagine she'll give it up if her mother is "traditional". Hope for the best, expect the worst, sadly.

 

[Fart Master]

Maybe her mom can babysit for free for you guys. Trust me, you will need her to at some points. Maybe discuss a prenup and get then married.

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Prenups are worthless and as stated several times marriage after 6 months is insane.

 

[Wispmetas]

Well...if you get her mother out of the picture, everything should be alright.

But at 6 months, it seems she cares more about her mother than you, and well, that's normal.

 

[HanSoloCup]

If you wait to have kids until you and your partner are fully financially ready, you'll never have kids. There'll always be something that will tell you to keep putting it off. That being the case, it sounds like the real issue here is not financially security, but your girlfriend's mom.

 

[Deleted member 31817]

If you wait to have kids until you and your partner are fully financially ready, you'll never have kids. There'll always be something that will tell you to keep putting it off. That being the case, it sounds like the real issue here is not financially security, but your girlfriend's mom.

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And the fact that he's only been dating her for 6 fucking months.

 

[HanSoloCup]

And the fact that he's only been dating her for 6 fucking months.

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Details, details..... But, yes, that too :)

 

[davepoobond]

Why would you have sex with her after only 6 months? You're supposed to do a background check, credit check, asset check, dna test, std test, family check, and buy some condoms before doing that.

 

[Bakercat]

Wait, you been dating her for 6 months, didn't know how much she makes, and got her pregnant?

I wouldn't get married and just help take care of the child.

 

[Adventureracing]

If you wait to have kids until you and your partner are fully financially ready, you'll never have kids. There'll always be something that will tell you to keep putting it off. That being the case, it sounds like the real issue here is not financially security, but your girlfriend's mom.

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Hate this logic and it just leads to people rushing to have children when they're not ready. Children will always be a financial drain but you can definitely prepare yourself for it.

 

[ty_hot]

The word 'marriage' doesnt fit well with '6 months relationship'. You just found out about her financial situation, there is no way, if you are sane, that you will marry her at this point. 6 months is nothing (sorry), there is so much to learn about her and about you... which doesnt mean she isn't the one you should marry, just that it is not the time.

I am guessing abortion is off the table because they are traditional (and I dont know if you would want that either... it's a difficult decision), so just make sure you tell her you can't marry her because you are not even 1 year together but that you will do everything to support her and the kid that is coming. Her mom will be pissed but, well, it's not her life... I hope your girlfriend understands your side of things.

Congrats btw

Hate this logic and it just leads to people rushing to have children when they're not ready. Children will always be a financial drain but you can definitely prepare yourself for it.

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Exactly. I friend of mine just got pregnant. They lost all their savings in a dumb ass company they decided to open*, he works on a job that has absolutely zero financial stability (can get 500 a month, then 3000 the next...) and she works cleaning houses (how will she do that late in the pregnancy and after the baby is born?). They were having sex without protection but not exactly wanting to have a baby, just like counting on 'luck'. I congratulated them on the pregnancy and while I hope everything works out well, I don't have great expectations...

*

Spoiler

imagine opening a company that sells frozen food and spend all the money renting a huge ass place because 'better to rent bigger now than to have to rent another place in a few months, right?', renewing the rented place (yes, they renewed the whole place, the owner didn't put a cent and will obviously keep it forever, didn't even give any discount in the rent), then they would complain about "unexpected expenses" like paying for sanitary inspection or paying an engineer to make the renewing project, then finally not having money to buy a single fridge to start the business? Yeah, they sure had everything planned.

 

[Bleu]

Are you even sure the kid is yours ?.
/jk
do not marry.
you don't have a choice on her decision to keep it or not, so prepare to support the kid, but not the grandmother.
In a couple years if you are still together and still in love and things are cool and the kid looks like you (/jk), yeah marry her why not, at that point it won't be a completely stupid idea any more.

 

[Eat My Jorts]

Marry her and you'll live happily ever after with your new family. ☺️