Whelp; your already dad, you have very little to say in the matter; she has the final say in whether you keep the baby or not. Though if it's just finances that are the problem you should at talk about the freeloading mother of hers.
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Having a kid now w/ girlfriend but girlfriend is not financially healthy
- Thread starter John Marston
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If you can have a sincere discussing about this (and support her with whatever she decides) it might be worth discussing. You two don't sound at all ready for this either financially, personally, or even as a couple getting families (plural) involved. And if you're totally not feeling marriage then please don't do it.
You definitely need to talk about the freeloading mother situation, that's baffling and gross on her mum's part to leech this way; it makes no sense to keep on supporting a lady who simply doesn't wish to do her part (at the very LEAST if she wants to be a mother-in-law doing nothing she can babysit). If you're having a kid, all of you would need to make sacrifices or let them know your position. Don't get strong-armed about something that's going to be such a big wedge.
If she goes through with it... I dunno, try to make it work, and if not that, divorce down the road?
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Let's put aside the six months part... the solution is to somehow make the mother work. The "parents stop working once son/daughter starts working" thing may have been fine at some point in time, but modern life is too expensive for that. It's not sustainable.
Really doesn't sound like you want to get married. So don't, even if its tough since they are "traditional" that point is long past since she got pregnant before marriage. You should support her and the kid as best as you can and really think hard if you want to get married. Maybe you will but it's not necessary to rush it before the baby is born, it really can be done after.
Good point. In most cultures with the "parents should freeload off their kids ASAP" BS tradition, the trade off is that the grandmother takes care of the children.
Pfft. The strongest relationships are based on having a kid within 6 months of meeting someone and being pressured to marry by your future in-laws. Sounds like a sound recipe for marital bliss.
If people waited to have kids until they were financially able, then most people would never have any. Oh and 80% of Americans live paycheck to paycheck.
If people waited to have kids until they were financially able, then most people would never have any. Oh and 80% of Americans live paycheck to paycheck.
Tell her mom to go fuck herself and get a job first before you listen to her "get married" advice. The fuck is that? I'm really sympathetic to others like myself who have issues with working due to mental or physical restrictions, but if she's able mind and body and is simply choosing to not work, and you guys are going to keep this kid, then you don't need to look after two children, AND carry some of the weight of you GF (which would be fine if that's all it was).
Damn, wtf. Someone probably already said this, but he has no choice in the matter. The fuck?
Couple of things.
1) Asking an Internet forum for advice on this sort of thing is counterproductive at best.
2) You only just found out she was supporting her mother, so it's a bit presumptuous for you to act like you know why she's supporting said mother.
3) You need to sit your ass down with her and hash this out.
We aren't going to solve anything for you because, at best, we have one side of the dilemma. Yours. Not hers.
1) Asking an Internet forum for advice on this sort of thing is counterproductive at best.
2) You only just found out she was supporting her mother, so it's a bit presumptuous for you to act like you know why she's supporting said mother.
3) You need to sit your ass down with her and hash this out.
We aren't going to solve anything for you because, at best, we have one side of the dilemma. Yours. Not hers.
Not sure what kind of advice you are looking for bro. If you don't want to be with her prepare to fight for custody or hopefully make a peaceful personal arrangement. You said she makes enough to support herself and apparently her mom. So focus your money on you and the baby and let her spend her money how she sees fit. It's no ideal but no matter what you're going to be in a shitty situation.
This kid has the potential to ruin both of your lives. It's not too late to end the pregnancy. I mean, you guys have only been together 6 months, you barely know each other.
You both messed up, and now there is a potential child that is going pay for your mistake.
Choice are:
a) Get married. But from your description, this sounds like a recipe for disaster. Ignoring the mother for a minute, you are weighing the value of the relationship based on money (newsflash, the vast majority of men make more than women due to patriachy society- the pay gap is real. If she is making more than you, she will not have the time to be home to raise a child.) People who love each other can work through being poor. You don't sound mature enough to do that.
If she is really the one, you will seek out counsel and straighten out future plans (find a way to ditch the mother, accept the financial situation- in a relationship it is not your money verse hers, it is the family money.
b) Abandon mother and child. Yes, you will and should be responsible for child support. The child will grow up fatherless in a single parent home. Next time, don't have unprotected sex.
c) Abortion. This is up to the girlfriend. It would be the wisest choice for HER since she is stuck with a freeloading mother, and a boyfriend who wants to bail cause of money. She would also be wise to dump you. She should also learn the lesson don't have unprotected sex.
Choice are:
a) Get married. But from your description, this sounds like a recipe for disaster. Ignoring the mother for a minute, you are weighing the value of the relationship based on money (newsflash, the vast majority of men make more than women due to patriachy society- the pay gap is real. If she is making more than you, she will not have the time to be home to raise a child.) People who love each other can work through being poor. You don't sound mature enough to do that.
If she is really the one, you will seek out counsel and straighten out future plans (find a way to ditch the mother, accept the financial situation- in a relationship it is not your money verse hers, it is the family money.
b) Abandon mother and child. Yes, you will and should be responsible for child support. The child will grow up fatherless in a single parent home. Next time, don't have unprotected sex.
c) Abortion. This is up to the girlfriend. It would be the wisest choice for HER since she is stuck with a freeloading mother, and a boyfriend who wants to bail cause of money. She would also be wise to dump you. She should also learn the lesson don't have unprotected sex.
Most important probably. We can give advice, but you two (three?) gotta sit your asses down to get all concerns covered as best you can and get your thoughts out there to them. You shared your concerns with us, but your GF and her mum really need to hear this too.
User Banned (1 month): sexist trolling, inappropriate commentary
How attractive is her mother? Because maybe if all works out I can be your stepdad in law.
edit: I can support a spouse. But, you might have to help power level me through some games.
edit: I can support a spouse. But, you might have to help power level me through some games.
I'm glad we didn't have to support the Mother in Law, even though she is watching our children
Yeah it's not part of my culture either (though I'm 25 so don't even have a spouse yet) but it's not uncommon... there's different degrees of it of course. Some parents expect to live in your house once they're very old (but will take care of kids and the house for you), some are true freeloaders like OP describes, some work till they can't and live independently, some retire.
I agree with this.
Cut the mother off or have gramma become fulltime nanny and maid so your girlfriend can get back to work to pay for herself and her services.
You worry about expenses for yourself and the kid (food, clothing, schooling, shelter). Don't marry until 5+ years later and your girlfriend seems of sound mind and you still like each other.
It's her choice to have an Abortion and by the looks of it, she wants the full package, the op is pretty much screwed here.
Do you really think that basing these decisions on fear is a wise choice??
Seriously... I'm supportive of abortion rights in general, but getting an abortion when you just fucked up and the financial situation will be fine, but maybe not the ideal picture you had in your mind? I'd understand if the kid would be homeless or something, but how is this a situation to push for an abortion?
You actually think a dude that goes to an online forum for advice about this situation is ready to have kids. Also abortions aren't just for the most extreme scenarios.
There's many ways this could go, as others stated:
1. You could leave her and the child; you pay child support.
2. You stay with her, but the her mother goes back to work. You gotta have a serious talk with your girlfriend about money.
Kids are EXPENSIVE, you and your gf should be focusing on supporting the child, not her mother.
But in your place, I would go for an abortion.
1. You could leave her and the child; you pay child support.
2. You stay with her, but the her mother goes back to work. You gotta have a serious talk with your girlfriend about money.
Kids are EXPENSIVE, you and your gf should be focusing on supporting the child, not her mother.
But in your place, I would go for an abortion.
Does your girlfriend want to get married, or is her mother making the decision? You're both adults (I hope) so the mother shouldn't dictate what course the two of you take, especially if her daughter is providing for her.
OP
OP
Yes, because Era is the only place I asked advice from. Seriously bruh.
What country is this, John Marston ? Why would your girlfriend freak out if you say you don't want to get married to her? Does she genuinely want to be married to you or is that her mother forcing her to because of being pregnant? If she goes through with the baby, you can still pay child support so you're not having to support the mother-in-law too.
So? Getting married is not as important right now as dealing with the other questions.
In general, almost no one is ready to have kids. You figure it out as you go. I guess I'm in the camp that thinks abortions should be reserved for when the parents or baby's health would be in danger, or the parents would be in situation where they just could not support raising a child. I don't think it should be something that is a quick way to absolve yourself of any personal responsibility for having unprotected sex.
Either way, the OP isn't even considering it apparently, so that's good. I just thought it was a bit shitty for people to be jumping over themselves to recommend it just because his situation may not be something that is perfectly ideal.
OP
OP
Yes, we are both working adults. She and her mom want the same thing, but her mom being a freeloader and dictating that we should get married right away is all kinds of messed up.
You're still asking for it and no offense but money ain't all you need to raise a child. Do you even have a place ready and a car that's good for a child? You talk about your girls savings situation but she isn't the one that fucked up here and you know that.
FFS I'm not telling him to lock his gf in the abortion clinic. Dude gets in-depth about the situation without mentioning discussing the option. I see a hesitant father, a financially unprepared mother, and a toxic grandmother. Not having the conversation is how you potentially ruin 3 lives, the child included. Spare me your indignation.
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