So I somehow developed this petrifying fear of death. Not like going outside and suddenly getting hit by a car and dying, or getting sick, I mean literally what happens after death, that thing itself, maybe not so much afterlife but just I guess fear of the void?
I don't know what number to call to actually get to somebody or set up an appointment somewhere(no insurance though) when my problem is the complete opposite of suicide.
I googled and its called death anxiety. Thing is I'm not sick(medically speaking like a terminal disease), I'm not 'surrounded' by death like sick family members or in the army. I've tried talking to myself that my death isn't going to come until I'm an old man(Im only 27) but it only slightly helped.
I want to say this started about a month ago, and it was really bad the first week. Since then there would be small moments where I would get kinda anxious, a little scared but not much. Then last night at like 3-4am I just started having such bad anxiety and fear that I think I had my first panic attack. I don't know how I slept but waking up I felt fine for a teeny bit before the anxiety came back, its not as bad as yesterday but I'm back to seeking help actively. It's just this has gotten so bad so quickly but I haven't been diagnosed with anything as I've no money for a doctor and most aren't seeing patients cause of the lockdown. I was suggested to call the suicide hotline even though Im far from suicidal, they are trained to help general mental health as well, so I did. I called the suicide hotline because my states crisis hotline is either down or only available via text messages and I really wanted a phone person to talk with. I heard about them having a time limit and I hit it twice, about 25 minutes a piece. I was secretly hoping to get a girl operator and it worked, I just feel more comfortable divulging my feelings to women, and I got women both time.
Before I could even talk, I started crying, I felt the urge to do it since my trauma started a month and a half ago, but I only cried maybe once or twice since then. But then someone answered and I could barely talk, I was about to reveal a lot of stuff about my current situation that no one else knew. Overall I would say the 2 phone calls helped as I wanted to talk to another human being about this. I joined the anxiety discord so now I'm there as well, you can find me under Smash-it stan. I had to alter my story a bit to explain where the trauma came from because I didn't want to alienate the teller too bad. I told them I saw a 'war movie thats meant to be anti-war with how heavy it was' which is TECHNICALLY true, my trauma started after watching the devilman crybaby anime remake*. I hate writing that as I want absolutely no one, NO ONE to watch that especially if they have any mental health issues. Animes not that good and it's probably the most nihilistic, fatalistic, piece of media i've ever watched and I truly wish it did not exist.
I made this exact thread on /r/anxiety and got 2 responses from people with similar phobias of death, I messaged them and I hope for the best.
* - Yes. I watched this show and something about it awakened in me. The last 2 episodes honestly blindsided me with a certain character dying, who that character is, and what they did after
. Seeing that absolutely fucking horrified me, I grew up on fucking 4chan and that beat empathy into me, I used to be a fucking idiot 12 years ago now I worry about every little thing that I cant control, I believe people are good, are implicitly good. I get that the show is supposed to be anti-war, but christ the overall show just went out of its way for bad, stupid shit to happen, and im really mad at myself for this to effect me the way it does. I was fine for like a month, sorta, it would come and ago where I would feel deflated and sad about what happened, how something like that could be.
Then suddenly last night at 4am, the anxiety hit me REALLY fucking hard, nothing really triggered it, the thought entered my head and it just didn't really go away. I slept somehow after popping 2 xanax(prescribed to my mom, 0.25mg, so 2 would be .50mg, I would take 2 a week or so, for the tiny feeling of comfort it sorta gave, could've been placebo), I really blame those pills. The pills didn't help, i just laid there, somehow did fall asleep. I wake up, fine for 5 minutes, then the feelings came back. Cue the top couple paragraphs, and Ive told my story to a few folks on discord and they tell me it will pass, but none of them have seen the show, but we did talk about why nihlistic media like devilman, game of thrones, black mirror etc. are bad. Well maybe not bad but I LOATHE those shows. I'm now a full believer of wanting more moe and idol and princess anime shows to exist, because devilman crybaby gave me ptsd...god i feel stupid for writing that.
Sorry for rambling, I just really wanted to vent, I came home from a walk in the evening, napped, woke up felt fine for 10 minutes but the feeling in my chest wouldn't go away. I don't think I cried this hard since my gf broke up with my years ago. My moms sick but we have a tumultuous relationship so it hasn't effected me much, until today where I DO NOT want my parents or even my grandparent to go, because that fear of the void. I hope to god these pills, that im taking 1-2 a WEEK basically, thats not prescribed to me, is the reason for me to thinking and feeling like this. I threw them out, my mom wasnt taking them so she wouldn't notice. I have posted something before in the mental health thread, but thats more of a vent thread, no offense to anyone who uses it and has it help them. I'll be on discord all night if anyone wants to talk to me, i tried the texting thing for my local state that I need a voice.
I don't know what number to call to actually get to somebody or set up an appointment somewhere(no insurance though) when my problem is the complete opposite of suicide.
I googled and its called death anxiety. Thing is I'm not sick(medically speaking like a terminal disease), I'm not 'surrounded' by death like sick family members or in the army. I've tried talking to myself that my death isn't going to come until I'm an old man(Im only 27) but it only slightly helped.
I want to say this started about a month ago, and it was really bad the first week. Since then there would be small moments where I would get kinda anxious, a little scared but not much. Then last night at like 3-4am I just started having such bad anxiety and fear that I think I had my first panic attack. I don't know how I slept but waking up I felt fine for a teeny bit before the anxiety came back, its not as bad as yesterday but I'm back to seeking help actively. It's just this has gotten so bad so quickly but I haven't been diagnosed with anything as I've no money for a doctor and most aren't seeing patients cause of the lockdown. I was suggested to call the suicide hotline even though Im far from suicidal, they are trained to help general mental health as well, so I did. I called the suicide hotline because my states crisis hotline is either down or only available via text messages and I really wanted a phone person to talk with. I heard about them having a time limit and I hit it twice, about 25 minutes a piece. I was secretly hoping to get a girl operator and it worked, I just feel more comfortable divulging my feelings to women, and I got women both time.
Before I could even talk, I started crying, I felt the urge to do it since my trauma started a month and a half ago, but I only cried maybe once or twice since then. But then someone answered and I could barely talk, I was about to reveal a lot of stuff about my current situation that no one else knew. Overall I would say the 2 phone calls helped as I wanted to talk to another human being about this. I joined the anxiety discord so now I'm there as well, you can find me under Smash-it stan. I had to alter my story a bit to explain where the trauma came from because I didn't want to alienate the teller too bad. I told them I saw a 'war movie thats meant to be anti-war with how heavy it was' which is TECHNICALLY true, my trauma started after watching the devilman crybaby anime remake*. I hate writing that as I want absolutely no one, NO ONE to watch that especially if they have any mental health issues. Animes not that good and it's probably the most nihilistic, fatalistic, piece of media i've ever watched and I truly wish it did not exist.
I made this exact thread on /r/anxiety and got 2 responses from people with similar phobias of death, I messaged them and I hope for the best.
* - Yes. I watched this show and something about it awakened in me. The last 2 episodes honestly blindsided me with a certain character dying, who that character is, and what they did after
I believe her name was Miki, how they killed her and then put her head on a pike, and then the main character failing to save the world, and god not saving anyone
Then suddenly last night at 4am, the anxiety hit me REALLY fucking hard, nothing really triggered it, the thought entered my head and it just didn't really go away. I slept somehow after popping 2 xanax(prescribed to my mom, 0.25mg, so 2 would be .50mg, I would take 2 a week or so, for the tiny feeling of comfort it sorta gave, could've been placebo), I really blame those pills. The pills didn't help, i just laid there, somehow did fall asleep. I wake up, fine for 5 minutes, then the feelings came back. Cue the top couple paragraphs, and Ive told my story to a few folks on discord and they tell me it will pass, but none of them have seen the show, but we did talk about why nihlistic media like devilman, game of thrones, black mirror etc. are bad. Well maybe not bad but I LOATHE those shows. I'm now a full believer of wanting more moe and idol and princess anime shows to exist, because devilman crybaby gave me ptsd...god i feel stupid for writing that.
Sorry for rambling, I just really wanted to vent, I came home from a walk in the evening, napped, woke up felt fine for 10 minutes but the feeling in my chest wouldn't go away. I don't think I cried this hard since my gf broke up with my years ago. My moms sick but we have a tumultuous relationship so it hasn't effected me much, until today where I DO NOT want my parents or even my grandparent to go, because that fear of the void. I hope to god these pills, that im taking 1-2 a WEEK basically, thats not prescribed to me, is the reason for me to thinking and feeling like this. I threw them out, my mom wasnt taking them so she wouldn't notice. I have posted something before in the mental health thread, but thats more of a vent thread, no offense to anyone who uses it and has it help them. I'll be on discord all night if anyone wants to talk to me, i tried the texting thing for my local state that I need a voice.
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