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Getting married soon. Fiancee wants to take my last name, but we're not sure because I have a very latino last name and it makes job applications hard
- Thread starter ScoobsJoestar
- Start date
if you never have kids it's fine but if you do i think it's nice and more convinient to all share the same last name. but it wouldn't be a big issue.
lots of people in the film industry still use their maiden names, since they don't want to split their credits up, that option should still hold for other careers as well
I'm clearly not familiar with Canadian laws but is a (I believe its called) 'double barrelled name' not an option? As in, yours+hers? So it would be something like Firstname YourLastname-HerLastname?
If job applications are your primary concern, hyphenate. It is supposedly advantageous to have a double-barrel surname whilst job hunting.
My wife was desperate to take my name. She wanted me, her and our son all to have the same name.
Definitely a cultural thing. I don't get it at all, sounds crazy to me.
Just let her have the name.
You're basically giving up on ethnic diversity by removing it. Basically white washing :(
I think you should honestly embrace it.
If the only issue you have is job apps, she can apply as her original name, and then later say she just got recently married.
It's not a big deal.
You're basically giving up on ethnic diversity by removing it. Basically white washing :(
I think you should honestly embrace it.
If the only issue you have is job apps, she can apply as her original name, and then later say she just got recently married.
It's not a big deal.
If she wants it, she should take it. While some places might not hire her, would she really want to work there if they're racist?
Eh? Nothings being removed?
Eh? Nothings being removed?
My wife never took my name... A few years later she decided to go with the double barrelled surname... Which the kids have but I didn't tell her to do it, her choice...
If she wants to do then I say let her... Maybe go double barrelled?
If she wants to do then I say let her... Maybe go double barrelled?
I'm thinking forward, if his kids don't have the name, then it would be.
We have to show white folk that last names are not representative of anything other than their own biases.
I'm not sure it works like that, but I don't know Canadian law.
But what if an woman with a foreign name takes her husbands "typical X country last name" would that constitute as whitewashing?
So depressing that this has to be a thread. Just reaffirms that the entire process should be anonymised as much as possible. Race and sex should absolutely not be involved and even age for most jobs should be irrelevant, as practically as possible. No one should have to censor themselves because they just know their is inherit racism and assumptions made from largely white bosses.
OP
OP
Eu concordo...mas entre lutar com racismo e nao poder trabalhar...dificil. Especialmente quando eu tinha acabado de sair da universidade.
(I agree...but between fighting racism and not being able to work...it's a tough spot. Especially when I had just finished university.)
To be clear - she can have it if she wants. It's just that we both want it to be a joint decision, but if she says she wants it, I'm not going to put my foot down or anything. But she'd listen to me if I thought it was a terrible idea. We're going back and forth on it together. We're not removing anything.
I don't know about calling it white washing like...I get what you mean, but it feels weird because like, I had to use my middle name to apply for jobs because student debt and stuff and I couldn't exactly afford to not have a job. I don't feel like I was the one white washing there just...dealing with the environment.
Like I don't know I don't mean to be rude, it just feels like being told that I'm whitewashing for...trying to do what I can to get a job. Feels weird.
If we have kids(honestly not something we are even sure about) we're going to go with the Brazilian naming scheme for them. [First Name] [Mother's Last Name] [Father's Last Name]
So (completely made up names here because, internet and stuff ) for example, if we had a kid their name would be like...
John de Nascimento Smith. And if jobs were ever an issue, kid could just use part of the last name.
To be super honest...a lot of places are decently racist. Like, not even high key "Fuck yeah nazis rule" racism. Even liberals sometimes will, when two resumes are against each other, go "Eh...with that last name maybe they don't speak English..." or just subconsciously pick out the more western sounding name. The subconsciously lowkey preferring non-foreign names is way more prevalent than you'd assume. Not enough to like, make someone be unemployable or anything but in a tough job market when getting interviews is hard enough, it's the kind of thing that makes it just a bit harder you know?
So far we are thinking of having her take my name since she wants it but she'll go by her maiden name during applications. Might be for the best.
She shouldn't take your last name for the sheer annoyance of the process of changing it on everything.
I've been married going on 3 years and to this day my wife's job still has her maiden name on like half the shit they mail out, let alone the process of changing it other places as well.
I've been married going on 3 years and to this day my wife's job still has her maiden name on like half the shit they mail out, let alone the process of changing it other places as well.
Wouldn't it be "John Smith de Nascimento" since your name is the Portuguese one?
Definitely understandable, but as a person with very Spanish (first/last) names, it's hard for me to "hide."
So I've just had to embrace it.
In the end, if the person/people hiring you didn't want you because they're racist, it's probably for the best that you don't work there.
I dunno how strict Canada is, but my aunt officially took my uncle's surname but professionally continues to go by her family name and has for over 20 years now.
Same here. But we're both Asian so trying to hide from race discrimination by changing names wasn't really going to work either way. Ultimately we felt it just wasn't worth the hassle.
My wife changed her last name (Mexican) to mine (obviously white?) because she wanted to, we didn't think about discrimination for a second. However, there have been plenty of times where we have felt like we benefitted from her having my last name rather than her own. It's disgusting but true.
These are both good suggestions. Op, your fiancee wants to take your last name, let her she clearly wants that traditional part of marriage. Applying for jobs can be circumvented
ScoobsJoestar, I went through this same thought process with my wife, not for her career since she is already well established, but for our kids.
I have a Latin last name with a Ñ and everything. But I felt it was important to keep some of their Latin heritage in place.
I have a Latin last name with a Ñ and everything. But I felt it was important to keep some of their Latin heritage in place.
That's pretty neat.
My wife didn't take my surname. I even encouraged her to not change it.
OP
OP
Not gonna lie, the idea of us both inventing a new surname sounds rad and I kind of want to do it lol
I was never a big fan of hyphenating, especially when the long-term plan is to have kids.
Eventually, you'll have to decide which name the kid's gonna have, or - even worse - the kid's gonna have to eventually decide whose name (mommy's or daddy's maiden name) to drop. Not sure about other countries, but here, you can't have a double hyphen - so if "John Smith-Miller" gets married to "Mary Jones", one of the 3 names has got to go.
Like, if you can't decide which name you wanna carry, make up a new one, make it yours. Or do some Alexa PenaVega shit and combine them.
(this is not meant as an offense to people who decided on a hyphenated name ... just saying it wouldn't be for me because i'd feel like we'd just be delaying an inevitable choice we or our kids would have to make further down the line)
I knew a woman who kept teaching under her maiden name but took her husband's name as far as anyone else is concerned. I don't actually know which was her legal name but maybe look into whether there's actually a way to have an AKA for employment while still 'technically' taking your name?
Not really a big deal seeing as kids can also have the hyphenated name. And if they decide later on to drop one, that's just a choice
Yeah, but you're passing that "burden" over to them, which - as silly as it sounds - feels a bit unfair. They'll essentially have to drop one of their parents' (or rather grandparents) names.
I know that all kinds of constellations are possible, but i don't think it's practical to pass a hyphenated name on to your kids. So - in the case of the couple eventually wanting to raise kids together - you might as well decide on that 'family name' when you're getting married.
It's kind of heartbreaking that you even have to worry about it, ugh. In the long run this may end up making non-white surnames disappear. I want to say "fuck any job that wouldn't hire you because of racist reasons", but I know I'm privileged in being able to choose and turn down jobs. :/
Super naive solution and probably mentioned already, but I didn't see it in the first page: if you guys want to have the same last name (and I understand the symbolic and romantic appeal), why don't you take hers? From what you're saying it seems like it could even help you in the long run.
Forgive me because I dont mean to disrespect those who make this choice but abandoning your own last name, when looked at objectively, really seems like a dated, sexist relic that needs to be reconsidered at a societal level.
Anyways to your point, having a hispanic last name has never worked against me and Im super white. Its more about the first name, I think.
Anyways to your point, having a hispanic last name has never worked against me and Im super white. Its more about the first name, I think.
I have a very Italian last name and my partner is Chinese with such a last name, and she decided to take my last name legally but now goes by First MaidenLast MyLast. Technically her maiden name is her middle name. She selectively chooses when she goes by my last name and when she uses hers. For her, my last name helps her at work unsurprisingly. But me and all her friends nickname for her will always be her maiden last name (plus a -y), so she just can't get rid of that.
I think it's brilliant and nothing wrong with it. If someone has a problem with it, it's their problem.
Your partner can do the same - if she wants to go by a different name at work (or really stay with her current name) then fine. There's quite a few reasons that make sense to do this (i.e. don't have to change business cards/email, will not have to bring it up at work in case of divorce).
I think it's brilliant and nothing wrong with it. If someone has a problem with it, it's their problem.
Your partner can do the same - if she wants to go by a different name at work (or really stay with her current name) then fine. There's quite a few reasons that make sense to do this (i.e. don't have to change business cards/email, will not have to bring it up at work in case of divorce).
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Como muitas familias brasileiras, a sua deve ter passado pelo pão que o diabo amassou para chegar até agora firme e forte, e é admirável que a sua futura esposa queira adotar seu sobrenome. Vale a pena ter orgulho sim. Qualquer negócio que contrata os outros baseado em sobrenome não vale o esforço de vocês e uma hora ou outra a conta chega pra esse povo discriminatório. Considerando que o Canadá é progressista, eu diria que há chances de vocês serem bem sucedidos em ambientes que não apenas aceitam essas diferenças, como as abraçam. Boa sorte com a sua nova família.
I'll admit I'll never understand the tradition in anglo speaking countries (sorry if I'm generalizing, but I don't know iff all have this tradition) of women taking her husband's last name.
I'm latina, and while I don't like my surname due to issues with my father's family and happily adopt my mother's surname as my first one, thinking about having my husband's name seems weird.... Even if I don't like it, my surname has been part of my identity since I was born. To just drop it seems like leaving behind part of who I am.
At the same time, it obviously means a lot to the OP's fiancée, and having to reevaluate the option due to systemic racism is rage inducing. As if having a foreign sounding last name would somehow make you a better worker! I hope that someday, we'll be able to reach a world in which everyone can proudly show their heritage, without the risk of discrimination for something as basic as a name.
Anyway, enough rambling and back on topic - if she truly wants to, OP, and is aware of the difficulties she can face, then I don't see why she shouldn't. Not the option I'd take, but it obviously means a lot to her. Maybe the double barreled name as a compromise option if it worries you too much, since that will also give any potential kids of yours an alternative in this shitty world.
I'm latina, and while I don't like my surname due to issues with my father's family and happily adopt my mother's surname as my first one, thinking about having my husband's name seems weird.... Even if I don't like it, my surname has been part of my identity since I was born. To just drop it seems like leaving behind part of who I am.
At the same time, it obviously means a lot to the OP's fiancée, and having to reevaluate the option due to systemic racism is rage inducing. As if having a foreign sounding last name would somehow make you a better worker! I hope that someday, we'll be able to reach a world in which everyone can proudly show their heritage, without the risk of discrimination for something as basic as a name.
Anyway, enough rambling and back on topic - if she truly wants to, OP, and is aware of the difficulties she can face, then I don't see why she shouldn't. Not the option I'd take, but it obviously means a lot to her. Maybe the double barreled name as a compromise option if it worries you too much, since that will also give any potential kids of yours an alternative in this shitty world.
I know many women who have changed their names personally after marriage but continued to use their maiden name professionally. Depending on your partner's field, OP, she can always make an argument that she had established a professional resume under her maiden name and didn't want to disrupt that after marriage -- like if she had published research or works.
A woman being forced to or pressured to change her last name is definitely sexist, but there can be other reasons for it. Part of why I'm debating taking my partner's last name when we get married is that my dad is a piece of shit and I don't want to carry around his name. There's definitely nuance to the conversation, like this thread displays.
For sure, my wife is going through similar feelings, I mean to bring it up as "why is this the default custom"