Finding the strength to cut off toxic friendships

[Umbrella Carp]

So I'm pretty much at the stage now where depression has given way to anger at the way I've been treated by people I thought my mates, determination to give the doubters a big middle finger, and a desire to just....flip the table I guess. When the food is all rotten it's time for a fresh spread, right? Of course, it sounds far easier than it really is. You begin to wonder if you're just overreacting, that you're not being treated as an emergency friend then cast aside at a moments notice to go hang with people who you know don't like you and really do go out of their way to not acknowledge you're alive despite knowing you for decades. Whether it be a real life gathering or an online gaming sesh, that invitation to join in ain't coming so don't look for it. And before you ask, yes these are old high school friends, and I'm pushing 30. I've often heard it said that the oldest bridges are the ones most worth burning, but when you're down to your last bridge, it starts to feel like a lonely island.


I'm down to 1 "friend" at the moment Era, and that might be about to become zero. I would just rather be slapped around by unemotional people and told I'm being irrational rather than leap into something that for me frankly is a big deal. I'm planning to just throw myself into something new and, for someone with anxiety, nerve-wracking (University) in the vein hope that maybe I can find something new and something better because to be frank, right now my social life seems to be rancid.

 

[fleet]

congrats, it sounds like you've made some big decisions and have got a lot of good things planned. fingers crossed that some more wholesome friendships come your way soon.

 

[Finale Fireworker]

This is a stressful and complex change and it takes a lot of strength just to arrive at the decision you've made, so good on you for that. Going through with it will still be hard and it may be something you do gradually. What's important though isn't how long it takes but rather not turning back once you start.

Without knowing any of your specific circumstances, here are some general reminders to keep in mind:
1. The purpose of companionship is to make you feel safe, understood, and stronger than you do individually. It is supposed to be a net positive on your life. You should benefit from having these relationships. If you are not benefiting from having a relationship, you shouldn't have it. It is having the opposite function a friendship or a relationship is supposed to have. You shouldn't immerse yourself in a persistent negative connection that is to your overall detriment. You should remember that this is not why friendship exists. You do not deserve to be unhappy just because there's an expectation for you to be there.

2. Time invested in toxic or hurtful relationships is time you could be spending building happy and healthy ones. You only have so much time and energy. Your existential bandwidth is not infinite. Time continually spent in the wrong place is time lost. All the time you spend on these failed relationships could be spent building new ones so you should free yourself from the hurtful obligation and have more energy to spend elsewhere.

3. When so many of your relationships are negative, you do not need to replace them all 1:1. When you are used to negative companionship, even just one good and rewarding connection is an improvement over your previously negative allotment. It will probably take time to make new relationships that rival the numerical equivalent of your old ones, but having just a couple positive friendships is a very meaningful replacement for many bad ones.

4. Friend "groups" are the hardest to replace. Several people all knowing each other, and knowing each other for years, is circumstantial. You will never meet another group of people that you have known since high school. As such, the structure of your friendships is going to change. You will probably have more meaningful one-on-ones or spend some time as a tag-along with others, but this is a perfectly acceptable substitute. I've found as I get older anyway I would rather have dinner with one friend than go out with six like I used to.


You will definitely spend more time alone. You might reflect on your interests and hobbies more and decide to make a change. When you're coming up from a negative some people find zero peaceful in its own way. But you will make new friends and you will always have other options coming. Good luck.

 

[Oliver James]

Cut off that bridge, if it's the reason you're feeling down then why should you keep it? Good luck with uni! Go join clubs/activities and hopefully you'll hit it off and make new friends in life.

 

[elamor]

is hard at the begining, but as soon as you realice that you are better with that negative energy, it is all gonna worth it, i had a similar experiencess 1 year ago, i had to bring the hammer with a former best friend of 10+, it was not easy at first, but once the bridge was down i start to realice how harmful and toxic was that friendship, and it help me, to love me more before others.

 

[Zeshakag]

Don't have to burn your bridges, just take time away for yourself and self-develop. If they're a friend they'll understand you're going through shit, and you have someone in your life to call when shit is really, really bad. If not, then you're no worse off. But it doesn't have to be an explosive cutoff or anything unless they're really overly emotionally relying on you.

 

[Instant Vintage]

This is a stressful and complex change and it takes a lot of strength just to arrive at the decision you've made, so good on you for that. Going through with it will still be hard and it may be something you do gradually. What's important though isn't how long it takes but rather not turning back once you start.

Without knowing any of your specific circumstances, here are some general reminders to keep in mind:
1. The purpose of companionship is to make you feel safe, understood, and stronger than you do individually. It is supposed to be a net positive on your life. You should benefit from having these relationships. If you are not benefiting from having a relationship, you shouldn't have it. It is having the opposite function a friendship or a relationship is supposed to have. You shouldn't immerse yourself in a persistent negative connection that is to your overall detriment. You should remember that this is not why friendship exists. You do not deserve to be unhappy just because there's an expectation for you to be there.

2. Time invested in toxic or hurtful relationships is time you could be spending building happy and healthy ones. You only have so much time and energy. Your existential bandwidth is not infinite. Time continually spent in the wrong place is time lost. All the time you spend on these failed relationships could be spent building new ones so you should free yourself from the hurtful obligation and have more energy to spend elsewhere.

3. When so many of your relationships are negative, you do not need to replace them all 1:1. When you are used to negative companionship, even just one good and rewarding connection is an improvement over your previously negative allotment. It will probably take time to make new relationships that rival the numerical equivalent of your old ones, but having just a couple positive friendships is a very meaningful replacement for many bad ones.

4. Friend "groups" are the hardest to replace. Several people all knowing each other, and knowing each other for years, is circumstantial. You will never meet another group of people that you have known since high school. As such, the structure of your friendships is going to change. You will probably have more meaningful one-on-ones or spend some time as a tag-along with others, but this is a perfectly acceptable substitute. I've found as I get older anyway I would rather have dinner with one friend than go out with six like I used to.


You will definitely spend more time alone. You might reflect on your interests and hobbies more and decide to make a change. When you're coming up from a negative some people find zero peaceful in its own way. But you will make new friends and you will always have other options coming. Good luck.

Click to shrink...

Excellent post as usual. This sums it all up; I have nothing of worth to add here.

OP, you're doing the right thing. Keep going!