Era, my husband and I have decided to become poly

Nothing Loud · Jul 15, 2020

After 2 years of marriage, we decided to open up our relationship to looking for fwb/poly sex/relationship with a third party. We downloaded the latest apps and started meeting people. We hooked up and had a threesome last night and it was awesome. It's absolutely thrilling to discover and explore sex and attraction and flirting with new people together. We're working with a couples counselor to make sure trust, communication, and jealousy are all kept under control during this discovery process for us as a couple. Our ground rules are that we are only allowed to have an encounter or relationship with someone or a couple together. It's kinda scary and new, but we're excited. It was so exciting to explore a new body together, new personalities, and to flirt again, but this time together, with the sanctity and structure of our secure intimacy as our foundation. Our individual therapists equipped us with psychological literature and books on starting poly relationships and sex and we are looking forward to discovering this new phase of our marriage. They explained to us that polyamorous relationships and sex can be beneficial to certain couples if it is handled carefully because it can relieve the pressure that builds for a two-person relationship to exclusively meet each other's needs, when in fact we were biologically evolved to be social, sexual creatures.

Anyone else here poly or have experience with this? What has been your experience?

Sadsic · Jul 15, 2020

I am poly with my fiance, but we specifically have metamours (partners we do not share), and it's been pretty great so far - I am about a year into this and generally everything feels really healthy. I have one long-term poly partner and a few acquaintances, and my fiance has two poly partners.

I used to unicorn in my early 20s (being the third in a triad for a couple like you have), I have nothing but good experiences to talk about from that

Overall I feel humongously fulfilled in life because I have both multiple sexual partners and multiple relationships with people I care about and there does not seem to be any sort of power imbalance

Aurica · Jul 15, 2020

That's super cool you're doing this together. Sounds like you're taking a lot of precautions to keep your relationship strong :)

I've been in a open relationship before, but I wasn't interested in being with anyone else (and the trust wasn't there). I know it isn't for me, but it seems totally viable to me for those that have the desire for it.

scitek · Jul 15, 2020

Sounds good, but I can't help wonder about the possible side-effects of meeting up with strangers during a pandemic.

TinTuba47 · Jul 15, 2020

I've never been in a poly relationship, but I have been the 'boyfriend' to a few women who were in poly relationships.

Bottom line, they're hard. But so are monogamous relationships. Just be honest and be in constant communication with each other, and don't be afraid to reassess with your partner if either of you ever feel uncomfortable with the situation

Lord Fanny · Jul 15, 2020

Joking aside, good luck and hope it works out for you.

rude · Jul 15, 2020

Nothing Loud said:
can relieve the pressure that builds for a two-person relationship to exclusively meet each other's needs, when in fact we were biologically evolved to be social, sexual creatures.

you were doing great until this part. Just say it works for you two rather than bringing in the evolutionary nonsense.

Nothing Loud · Jul 15, 2020

rude said:
you were doing great until this part. Just say it works for you two rather than bringing in the evolutionary nonsense.

Wait, it is nonsense that humans evolved to be sexual, social creatures?

I also did in fact say it can be beneficial to certain couples which is what my clinical psychologist said

Sorry if I miscommunicated. I'm not saying every couple should do this

blitzblake · Jul 15, 2020

if there's one thing I know about me, it's that i'm not a sharer. Good luck op.

FUME5 · Jul 15, 2020

I look forward to the breakup thread in 4 months time.

Brewm0nt · Jul 15, 2020

FUME5 said:
I look forward to the breakup thread in 4 months time.

Yeah, this type of agreement never seems to work out. Always ends up being toxic for someone involved.

Saray · Jul 15, 2020

I don't think poly relationship work in the long run. But good luck, i hope i'm wrong and it work for you.

Zerokku · Jul 15, 2020

FUME5 said:
I look forward to the breakup thread in 4 months time.

It can definitely work. One of the IT admins at my work has been in a poly relationship for.... 7 or 8 years now? Not to say its been smooth sailing the whole time but I've seen it work.

Yiazmat · Jul 15, 2020

Unicorn · Jul 15, 2020

But why during a pandemic?

Froli · Jul 15, 2020

You guys sure this is wise at a time like this? with the pandemic going on lol

BLEEN · Jul 15, 2020

Yiazmat said:

LOL classic

Godspeed, OP.

Ultima_5 · Jul 15, 2020

Brewm0nt said:
Yeah, this type of agreement never seems to work out. Always ends up being toxic for someone involved.

I've always heard that you just don't hear of the ones that work which makes sense. However I️ feel like that's the minority

tacocat · Jul 15, 2020

You guys have fun. Hope it works out for ya.

Shorty11857 · Jul 15, 2020

Hope it works out for you, two of my friends were poly...felt more like an excuse because their relationship was failing. End result was they ruined a trip we took together to Japan when they decided to break up mid trip...awkward times

Murder She Wrote · Jul 15, 2020

My partner and I opened up the relationship but with Covid we haven't done anything yet, not counting my terrible flirting on tinder.

JDSN · Jul 15, 2020

I'm not prepared to listen why are you doing this during a pandemic.

Novoitus · Jul 15, 2020

Unicorn said:
But why during a pandemic?

For the same reasons there are people refusing to wear masks.

Kay · Jul 15, 2020

Ultima_5 said:
I've always heard that you just don't hear of the ones that work which makes sense. However I️ feel like that's the minority

That would make sense, like a reverse of survivorship bias. I have a couple of friends who have been poly for going on 4 years after a couple of years adding a third. They're as happy as they were when they were monogamous (as far as I can tell, anyway). Good on anyone who makes it work tbh.

Deleted member 57578 · Jul 15, 2020

Nothing Loud said:
Our individual therapists

Nothing Loud said:
a couples counselor

Yo that's a lot of therapists. Good things come in threes for y'all.

WyLD iNk · Jul 15, 2020

FUME5 said:
I look forward to the breakup thread in 4 months time.

My girlfriend and I are in an open relationship and have been for 16 years now. Still going strong.

Big-E · Jul 15, 2020

With all of these poly or open relationship threads and stories, I always can't wrap my head around how it could work when couples that are open have young children. I can't see how that could work. Couples having threesomes or swinging I can sort of get but having separate partners and having children together with the spouse just seems like a huge accident waiting to happen.

diakyu · Jul 15, 2020

I could never do it but I don't see why people are so down on OP when they seem pretty level headed about it. Have fun with this new chapter OP

Ultima_5 · Jul 15, 2020

Big-E said:
With all of these poly or open relationship threads and stories, I always can't wrap my head around how it could work when couples that are open have young children. I can't see how that could work. Couples having threesomes or swinging I can sort of get but having separate partners and having children together with the spouse just seems like a huge accident waiting to happen.

i mean. op didn't mention that they had kids. cant imagine dealing with this if you had anything important at stake (kids or financially).

diakyu said:
I could never do it but I don't see why people are so down on OP when they seem pretty level headed about it. Have fun with this new chapter OP

there was maybe one or two post that were down on it. most were supportive.

Big-E · Jul 15, 2020

Ultima_5 said:
i mean. op didn't mention that they had kids. cant imagine dealing with this if you had anything important at stake (kids or financially).

I know they didn't. I am fine with couples trying things out. I just always get thinking that this is ultimately a childless lifestyle which is fine if both parties are ok with that.

Ultimately it also comes down to the fact that people cheat all the time in monogamous relationships anyway so who am I to really say that open is out of the ordinary.

finalflame · Jul 15, 2020

good luck

the classic:

TV star says swinging saved marriage after he asked wife for open relationship

TV star Thomas Middleditch has revealed swinging saved his marriage after he asked his wife for an open relationship. The actor, who appears in Silicon Valley, spoke to wife Mollie Gates shortly af…

www.thesun.co.uk

Thomas Middleditch and His Wife Go From Swingin’ Open Marriage to Divorce

They were married for four years.

www.vulture.com

DarthSpider · Jul 15, 2020

Fascinating stuff, but definitely not for me. Best of luck OP!

SuperBanana · Jul 15, 2020

Nothing Loud said:
it can relieve the pressure that builds for a two-person relationship to exclusively meet each other's needs

This bit comes off a bit odd. I've been with my fiancee for several years and never felt pressure like this. Kinda sounds like you both need to work on your own sex live before including another, but I hope it works out anyway.

Ultima_5 · Jul 15, 2020

Big-E said:
I know they didn't. I am fine with couples trying things out. I just always get thinking that this is ultimately a childless lifestyle which is fine if both parties are ok with that.

Ultimately it also comes down to the fact that people cheat all the time in monogamous relationships anyway so who am I to really say that open is out of the ordinary.

no i agree. seems very circumstantial. tbh the fact the OP only mentions its just them and their partner/so many therapist being involved and weighing in on this, makes me think that this isnt a long term thing.

greepoman · Jul 15, 2020

Unicorn said:
But why during a pandemic?

Adds that dangerous excitement!

It seems new now but won't it be hard to keep that excitement and newness even with different people? If you got bored after just 2 years of monogamy will poly still be that exciting in 2 years? I guess what I'm saying is that the excitement you get when something is fresh and new is really hard to keep re-creating.

Unicorn · Jul 15, 2020

greepoman said:
Adds that dangerous excitement!

It seems new now but won't it be hard to keep that excitement and newness even with different people? If you got bored after just 2 years of monogamy will poly still be that exciting in 2 years? I guess what I'm saying is that the excitement you get when something is fresh and new is really hard to keep re-creating.

dodgin' Covid coughs, crabs, and chlamydia.

DigiDom · Jul 15, 2020

FUME5 said:
I look forward to the breakup thread in 4 months time.

I'm still going strong after 3 years. Looks like they're doing well so far. With both mono and poly relationships communication is key.

Ultima_5 · Jul 15, 2020

DigiDom said:
I'm still going strong after 3 years. Looks like they're doing well so far. With both mono and poly relationships communication is key.

do you each have a therapist along with a relationship counselor weighing in on it? not that im anti poly, but.... OP seems like they have alot going on for all of this

Deleted member 42055 · Jul 15, 2020

I am 100% not built this way, I could never, but more power to you if it works for you, live and let live

Regulus Tera · Jul 15, 2020

I'm not one to kinkshame but this is probably the worst time to get into a polyamorous relationship what with the deadly virus killing people all around teh world.

Dullahan · Jul 15, 2020

Good luck. Hope it works out for you!

HardRojo · Jul 15, 2020

During a pandemic? Not the wisest decision imo. Then again I wouldn't be able to do it, at all. Feels like those friends with benefits relationships where one person ends up falling in love and becoming really toxic, which destroys the whole thing. I actually fear this is what's gonna end up happening with a friend of my sister that I've been seeing during these weeks (we live a few blocks apart from each other and I've been living alone since this shit started), she's kind of starting to show signs of that.

Valkerion · Jul 15, 2020

Good for you OP, welcome to the land of threesomes+more!

Like you said it can be quite thrilling and exciting, as well as a pressure release from the usual 2 person relationships we are accustom too. As long as open communication between the parties is actually kept up and an understanding of ground rules if any that are set in the relationship it can be a fun experiential or long term life style.

I was involved in an open relationship for about a year with a woman but I never got to meet her, now husband despite him knowing about me. It works for some people and others not so much. It was fun and I might be down for it again/maybe depending who I meet in the future bring up that kind of thing with them. It can be hard for younger/newer couples to do this type of thing without getting jealous and what not but if your ready go for it I say.

BobbeMalle · Jul 15, 2020

Congrats on the sex

Poly is absolutely not for me and surely not for the vast majority of people, but if it works for you guys you should keep doing it
Maybe not during a pandemic, you don't wanna add fuel to the fire

Deleted member 4034 · Jul 15, 2020

Unicorn said:
But why during a pandemic?

I laughed way too hard at this. Maybe because of the pandemic.

TorianElecdra · Jul 15, 2020

Nothing Loud said:
Wait, it is nonsense that humans evolved to be sexual, social creatures?

I also did in fact say it can be beneficial to certain couples which is what my clinical psychologist said

Sorry if I miscommunicated. I'm not saying every couple should do this

Humans are social yes, but that has not relationship with involving yourself sexuality with people. Otherwise polyamory would be the expected norm.

Ultimately, humans didn't evolve to be monogamous either in the current modern way we understand monogamy as a sociopsychocultural event. It's hard to say that a psychosocial behavior such as romantic-style preferences to be ingrained in biological evolution.

There's no monogamy or polyamory biological regulator, I would say.

Anywaaaaay, good luck with your relationships. I have always been curious tbh maybe one day I'll try it out.

HylianSeven · Jul 15, 2020

FUME5 said:
I look forward to the breakup thread in 4 months time.

Brewm0nt said:
Yeah, this type of agreement never seems to work out. Always ends up being toxic for someone involved.

These comments come off as really judgmental. Sure, that does happen, but immediately labeling the OP's situation like that seems incredibly shitty.

I say this as someone monogamous that an agreement like that would not work for me personally. Live and let live.

Good luck OP, I hope it works out for you.

Musubi · Jul 15, 2020

Saray said:
I don't think poly relationship work in the long run. But good luck, i hope i'm wrong and it work for you.

Most monogamous relationships don't work either. Better to try an open relationship if the relationship is getting stale then someone eventually becoming frustrated and cheating behind the others back.

Z-Beat · Jul 15, 2020

Neat, have fun

blackw0lf48 · Jul 15, 2020

Read the book More Than Two

More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory (More Than Two Essentials) - Kindle edition by Veaux, Franklin, Hardy, Janet, Gill, Tatiana, Rickert, Eve, Hardy, Janet, Gill, Tatiana. Politics & Social Sciences Kindle eBooks @ Amazon.com.

More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory (More Than Two Essentials) - Kindle edition by Veaux, Franklin, Hardy, Janet, Gill, Tatiana, Rickert, Eve, Hardy, Janet, Gill, Tatiana. Download it once and read it on your Kindle device, PC, phones or tablets. Use features like bookmarks...

www.amazon.com

Look for poly support groups in your area. Check Meetup

The multiamory podcast is really good.

Poly relationships can work. I know poly people who have been happily married for decades. But it takes a lot of work and especially communication.

Era, my husband and I have decided to become poly

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