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Era, I probably am going to have to kill myself soon, and I'm terrified, but I have to. Love
- Thread starter LexingtonKruger
- Start date
I know that feeling all too well OP. I deal with constant depression and anxiety, and also work in the restaurant industry. I've also worked in such shitty jobs, I frequently have "server dreams" where I wake up with high anxiety. My advice is this: Leave the job if it's hurting you. You can find another restaurant job pretty fast, they're a dime a dozen. It's not like you're gonna keep the job if you kill yourself, right? So why not bail out and find something new? Literally anything.
Change seems impossible when you're stuck in a toxic routine, sometimes you have to brute force it and try, even if it's terrifying. But I've found change forces me out of a self defeating mindset and makes me focus on what I need to do RIGHT NOW. The times I get depressed are when I'm not moving. Thats when I force myself to try and learn something new, try things I'm not used to, break the routine. It helps a whole hell of a lot.
Change seems impossible when you're stuck in a toxic routine, sometimes you have to brute force it and try, even if it's terrifying. But I've found change forces me out of a self defeating mindset and makes me focus on what I need to do RIGHT NOW. The times I get depressed are when I'm not moving. Thats when I force myself to try and learn something new, try things I'm not used to, break the routine. It helps a whole hell of a lot.
Please dont do this.
Please stay. We care about you. We are here for you.
Quit school.
Fuck it.
You need to take care of yourself first.
There is so much more to life than this.
Fuck it.
You need to take care of yourself first.
There is so much more to life than this.
Hey OP, you still there? We got ears for ya. Well... eyes.
For reading your posts. Check in for a moment, whatcha up to?
For reading your posts. Check in for a moment, whatcha up to?
OP
OP
There aren't any psych wards in NYC. Sorry. I can't check myself in.
I'm in class. Just want to cry.
I don't think I deserve to have to kill myself. I just hate life as it is.
You don't really get help for that, for being born poor.
I'm in class. Just want to cry.
I don't think I deserve to have to kill myself. I just hate life as it is.
You don't really get help for that, for being born poor.
Just going to an emergency room will help, I've had to do it when feeling like I was a danger to myself when I was struggling.
Would you consider meeting up with anyone in NY so you aren't alone?
Just stay here and write about anything and try to get to an emergency room. We are here for you and we want you to succeed in life. Please just talk about how you are feeling.
Oh cool there you are. How is it going? I read about the stress with school and such, that really is some shit.
Dude, you be iiiiiiight. Fuck school or any problems you see. IDK I guess just try to get out of your head for a bit. A crazy sprint for as much as you can can do wonders in the moment. You have the freedom to just go out and fuckin' run. Try that ol' fella out. Sorry, not so good at conveying what I'm thinking. But you'll be fine, one day at a time. One hour by a sign.
I'm not sure where you're located in NYC, but it does look like there are some in Manhattan. Just going to the emergency room and letting them know how you're feeling would be a good idea, but if you're unsure of that, you could call one of the crisis lines as well. They have access to local resources and could help you find one near you.
Can someone on Era meet up with you for a coffee? Or even a walk. Your idea to take a walk is good, but not to the bridge. Please stay with us.
Also hey Lexington, if you don't feel like speaking I always find help from the people at the crisis TEXTING hotline. Just text START to 741741 and they'll be able to help out. I've gone to this line for a number of reasons and I've come out on the other side, breathing and able.
Give it shot. You've got the energy to write to us, you can write to them as well! You can do it.
Give it shot. You've got the energy to write to us, you can write to them as well! You can do it.
Please don't give up. You're doing everything you need to.
EDIT: Except for getting help right now. Look, this isn't the end and it doesn't have to be.
i think there is i went to bellevue a couple of years ago when i attempted and stayed in what i think was a psych ward for a week. In my case it was having a undiagnosable illness that was causing too much suffering, im still here 5 years later bed ridden but alive. If i can do it i believe you can too you just need to find the right help and support, its not too late.
Is this true? Can someone else confirm this?
I'm seeing that Bellevue Hospital is a good place to check yourself in, in Manhattan and they offer full Inpatient Mental Health Services.
https://med.nyu.edu/psych/affiliates/bellevue-hospital-center
That's one of the beautiful things I've discovered from "giving up". That realization that I'm free to do whatever I want. That I'm not stuck in this life I built for myself.
You can't do shit when you're dead. Break free and try anything new. It's terrifying. But so is suicide. Change has a chance at improving your life though. Suicide just ensures the worst possible thing is guaranteed to happen.
OP
OP
When I was in Boston I was in and out of psych wards. I really don't want to again. I'm 28 it's a good age to die.
I hope that things get better for you. What you're experiencing sounds so fucking tough. Is there anyone you can reach out to and stay with to avoid homelessness?
OP
OP
My favorite album. I even got to see it live in Boston.
Thank you.
Made me cry a little.
Don't do it OP.
I'm in a similar situation. I graduated and have been searching for a decent job for a while, with no luck. I also live paycheck to paycheck and my company just went belly up. I have no idea what the hell im going to do, but offing myself isn't the answer.
Call the suicide hotline, get yourself someplace among friends if you can.
I'm in a similar situation. I graduated and have been searching for a decent job for a while, with no luck. I also live paycheck to paycheck and my company just went belly up. I have no idea what the hell im going to do, but offing myself isn't the answer.
Call the suicide hotline, get yourself someplace among friends if you can.
Live? How was it? I know I got some memorable live shows.
Hey man, you mentioned taking classes. What classes are you taking? Are you interested in any of them, what sort of reading load do they have? There's plenty of people here with experience dealing with a heavy course load and balancing other shit in their life. It's super fucking rough working full time and doing school near full time, but if you're interested in what you're learning in class, then hold onto that. There's more for you to learn, and even if you're struggling with the course load, there are some easy strategies to help reduce that stress.
You mention a lot of reading, and living in NYC and taking the subway. That's a great place to get some school reading done. Plug in some headphones, turn on your favorite music and zone out during your commute, flipping pages.
To help reduce burnout, set a time every day to commit to reading and doing homework. In school, I committed two hours after work to school, then after that I would de-stress from the whole day with a bath, pajamas, and a movie or even cartoons if it was a really bad day. But to start, you don't need to commit two hours, maybe just an hour then do something that de-stresses you. (Even if that's just sleep at this point) Finding a routine every day really helps manage the stress of everything, and starting with small little things keeps things from all feeling like too much.
But tell us about your classes! What are you learning about? I love hearing about what students are doing and getting into in regards to college courses.
You mention a lot of reading, and living in NYC and taking the subway. That's a great place to get some school reading done. Plug in some headphones, turn on your favorite music and zone out during your commute, flipping pages.
To help reduce burnout, set a time every day to commit to reading and doing homework. In school, I committed two hours after work to school, then after that I would de-stress from the whole day with a bath, pajamas, and a movie or even cartoons if it was a really bad day. But to start, you don't need to commit two hours, maybe just an hour then do something that de-stresses you. (Even if that's just sleep at this point) Finding a routine every day really helps manage the stress of everything, and starting with small little things keeps things from all feeling like too much.
But tell us about your classes! What are you learning about? I love hearing about what students are doing and getting into in regards to college courses.
No, it isn't. I'm 28 as well and we're still young enough to change our lives. You have so much ahead of you. Please don't do this.
How little is your little brother? Could you go back to your parents? Tell them how you feel? In your situation I understand that it seems easier to just give up. I've been there myself. But so much good shit can be just around the corner. You need to speak to someone...and I don't mean us. And I don't mean people paid to listen. I mean friends and family, the closer the better. People who can help take that weight off your shoulders. People who wouldn't let you come into harm's way. People who can take you in and give you time to heal and better yourself to get out of an industry that is litterally killing you.
Lexington I know you're going through the worst of it right now, but I promise you it can get better. I'm begging you not to go through with this, as you have a little brother and people on here that care for your well being. Your life has value and importance. Youre a smart, hardworking person with a good heart. That you've been able to do so well in school, are a writer, and have gone through so much while still being here is a testament of your strength. Things can definitely change for the better in your life.
We're all here for you and we believe in you. And if you ever need someone to talk to irl who can possibly help with your living situation or if you just wanna hang with, I myself, as well as many others on here live in NYC, and would be happy to be there for you.
OP
OP
I have a family that tortured me for twenty years. It's not a family you know.
I fought really hard to be independent.
I fuck up now with school and work I'm just fucked.
I don't want to talk at all. I'm going to go home and get ready for class tomorrow.
But I really want to die so bad. Maybe I'll just do all this coke I bought.
I'm going to get ds and f's but I'm going to die like the piece of shit I am.
People sure do get cold when they think somethings wrong.
I almost cried in class. People just watch and laugh.
I didn't start to feel like I could manage life until I was 30. Even then I had to reach some days where I just felt too overcome with sadness and hopelessness to speak to anyone.
In my mind, there were no answers. No one could help me.
I never made a lot of money, neither did my parents. I was too scared and indecisive to try and go to college. I went to three different community colleges because I kept giving up. I finally got a degree in graphic design and then decided I wasn't good enough at it, I wasn't smart enough to remember any of the methods and I didn't have the money to afford a computer. I worked a full time job at a call center for a boss that belittled me and was never satisfied with my results. For 8 years. I also dated someone who would turn verbally abusive, would say and do things that made me feel worthless. For 8 years. We broke up after I learned something about her that I could not look past. It wasn't all her fault but it wasn't a healthy relationship for me. I left my job and applied to a software company in the city.
It was scary. I spent a lot of days feeling like I couldn't keep up but I started going back to therapy for my depression, I started to opening up to people about my struggles and I asked those closest to me for help.
I still have moments from time to time, where I wonder if I'm worth it. If this is worth it.
But I sleep on it, I interact with the people who care about me, I reach out to people that I didn't reach out to before- even small conversations- and it makes every moment matter more. I feel good about my job, I finally feel appreciated and respected.
I don't have all the answers. I'm not saying that going to a software company, finding a new therapist and making connections with people will fix it for you but it helped me. A lot.
Things in your life can be changed, changes that will make things better over time.
It will get better.
This will pass. But you won't see that if you give up now.
Please, please reach out for help. Please.
28 is so young. There is still so much to see and experience beyond the stress and pain that you deal with every day.
Please don't give up. We're here for you.
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Would you be willing to tell us a little bit about what you're studying Lexington? What kind of classes are you taking?
How do you feel about the campus itself? I've eyed a few of them up there before, and I'd love to hear about how you feel about it.
I believe things will get better for you, too. You seem like a thoughtful, caring person, and you deserve happiness. You can make it. I'm one year younger than you, and I'm still working on this. I'm on your side.
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There are definitely psych wards in Brooklyn. As of four years ago there was a psych ward in Lutheran Medical Center (I think it's called NYU Brooklyn now). It's on 2nd ave and 55th st in Brooklyn.
There is also Maimonides in Brooklyn on 10th ave and 48th street.
Go to either of these. They'll help.
There is also Maimonides in Brooklyn on 10th ave and 48th street.
Go to either of these. They'll help.
OP
OP
I was studying gender studies. It's so weird, they come up with all these really weird ways to make it hard. Like I have to do a few of these strange things I'm not even sure how to do for a few chapters and I just don't have time to read everything.
oh dude, gender studies is my jam. what sort of weird things are they having you do that are making it difficult?
Posting this stuff here must mean you somewhat care. You're still young and have a whole life ahead of you man. Don't go cutting it short because work and school or whatever is going bad for you right now. Things do change.
Try doing something like a trade man. Good money, relatively simple schooling. Become like a good electrician. Make some bank like that. Not everything needs to be University. I believe in you dude.
I'm 28 too. I was so depressed today that it felt like half my brain was gone. I just couldn't think clearly at all. It's a really scary feeling. I could barely function at work, which just made me feel worse.
I guess what I'm trying to say is hang in there. Are there any support groups in your area?
I guess what I'm trying to say is hang in there. Are there any support groups in your area?
I'm 38 and I'm telling you that you are wrong. You don't know what is ahead. Your whole life could be completely different in a year. You don't know and you won't find out if you are dead. The only way to find out is to fight.
I don't like psych wards either but sometimes people like you and me need help to be safe. Go to an ER or a psych unit, please. This is the disease talking, and you can beat it.