OP there are plenty of good parents out there who've regretted having kids.
Just not too many honest ones.
Just not too many honest ones.
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Ending a relationship over kids
- Thread starter earthsucks
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This is such a horrendous take.
OP was very clear about his feelings on this, so your interpretation that he's really just 'afraid to leave his comfort zone' is you just hearing what you want to hear. Seriously though - it's not selfish to not want to have kids. Caring for another person is a massive responsibility, and not everyone is willing or able to take that on. That's fine. Honestly, it's arguably more selfish to bring even more people into this already overpopulated and climate-changed world, but that's a topic for another day.
It would also be unfair to the woman in this scenario for OP to draw this out any further.
Don't do it OP. Kids are the end of life as you know it and the beginning of being slaves to them. I am sorry to say this but it may just be the end of your relationship, it won't work if one party wants one and the other doesn't. I've seen this story a hundred times.
Thanks for this thread OP, because I almost made it myself last week.
I'm 31, wife is 27, and I'm going through the same thing. When we dated and even after we got married we both agreed we didn't want kids, or if we did, it would be way in the future.
Fast forward, and after my wife's father passed away and she's spent a lot of time counseling kids and families through her job, she really wants a family now.
I still don't.
I feel shitty and guilty and selfish for not wanting kids. I feel even shittier because my wife wants to adopt, so it's not like we'd be adding to the population; we'd be performing a great, altruistic act of love and sacrifice.
I cannot tell you how weighed down by shame I am about all of this, but I cannot help it. I simply don't want to give up the next 20 years of my life for kids. I don't hear that calling. I don't have that soul urge.
Tl;dr my marriage may end eventually because my wife is a saint who wants to adopt children and I'm a selfish asshole who wants to travel, write, and have free time instead.
Googling made it worse for me, because 99% of the articles dealing with shame over not wanting children are from a woman's perspective, and when they're from a man's, overpopulation is always a justification. I can't find any other monsters like me out there, so my guilt it exacerbated by isolation.
I don't mean to hijack your thread, I just wanted to say... I understand.
I'm 31, wife is 27, and I'm going through the same thing. When we dated and even after we got married we both agreed we didn't want kids, or if we did, it would be way in the future.
Fast forward, and after my wife's father passed away and she's spent a lot of time counseling kids and families through her job, she really wants a family now.
I still don't.
I feel shitty and guilty and selfish for not wanting kids. I feel even shittier because my wife wants to adopt, so it's not like we'd be adding to the population; we'd be performing a great, altruistic act of love and sacrifice.
I cannot tell you how weighed down by shame I am about all of this, but I cannot help it. I simply don't want to give up the next 20 years of my life for kids. I don't hear that calling. I don't have that soul urge.
Tl;dr my marriage may end eventually because my wife is a saint who wants to adopt children and I'm a selfish asshole who wants to travel, write, and have free time instead.
Googling made it worse for me, because 99% of the articles dealing with shame over not wanting children are from a woman's perspective, and when they're from a man's, overpopulation is always a justification. I can't find any other monsters like me out there, so my guilt it exacerbated by isolation.
I don't mean to hijack your thread, I just wanted to say... I understand.
Why's that? I have a one year old now and I'm 33. My wife is 37.
I can't imagine the condition of my body at 37 after years of abuse nevermind chasing children.
While a lot of the reasons for not having kids are admirable, I have to stress at some point you need to decide what are more important issues for you. I will say that while it is fine not to have children, don't let your life go on hold for some of the reasons you mentioned.
It's crazy how people will acknowledge kids are a HUGE comittment, then turn around and pretend they won't affect your life that much.
People who want kids and are ready for them should have them. People who don't shouldn't, period.
...Someone find that thread about mothers who regret having kids, but have to pretend everything is fine for their kids' sake and for the sake of others.
EDIT: Someone posted the article, cool
People who want kids and are ready for them should have them. People who don't shouldn't, period.
...Someone find that thread about mothers who regret having kids, but have to pretend everything is fine for their kids' sake and for the sake of others.
EDIT: Someone posted the article, cool
Maybe don't abuse your body?
I'm in the best shape of my life at 33.
Even if you're not at the absolute best you're not decrepit at 30-40. If you are then that's an issue with kids or not.
My dad was younger when they had me, but he literally broke his back in a factory when I was young but managed to play and chase me just fine. Plenty of parents are fine despite actual disabilities. Being middle aged ain't an excuse.
I was 34 when we had our son. Its exhausting lmao. But its fucking awesome too. We have a lot of fun together.
I really hope you're dramatising for effect, because this is super OTT.
You get one life, man. If you don't want to spend a good chunk of that limited time caring for a child, that's your prerogative and you have no reason to feel ashamed.
I broke up with my boyfriend of three years that I loved over this exact thing. I'd never particularly wanted or thought about kids until my late 20s, but by 29 I was sure that I did want them. I knew he was pretty much against them, so I put it to him frankly to think about and make a decision. He decided against, so I moved out and said my goodbyes. As much as I loved him and he loved me, this is just one of those decisions you have to make honestly or it leads to bitterness down the line. If he'd grudging agreed and we did only for him to resent the baby/new responsibilities, then it would have been miserable for both of us. If I'd decided to stay with him and not have kids, I would have grown to resent him and myself for lost time and the future I'd wanted. It hurts to break things off when nothing particularly seems wrong, but this is a life changing decision. Don't waste each other's time or futures. That's love.
I know you've been getting dogpiled for this post, but I wanted to do my part because this is some USDA Prime bullshit. Just because you're "capable" of raising children absolutely does not mean you should give it a shot when you don't want to. It's not like you can do it for two years, realize you were right in the first place about not wanting them, and then return them to the hospital. I can't think of a more life-changing intentional experience for someone to have. "Just do it because you love her" is garbage advice. One of the many, many reasons my wife and I do not want to have children is because almost everyone else in our peer group has and we don't know a single couple who is happier as a couple with children than they were without. It can completely change the dynamic of a relationship, especially if one partner is heading into it reluctantly.
That sucks, dude. I lived in fear of this happening to me for a few years. When my wife and I got married, I was 31 and she was 27. We were pretty much in agreement that we didn't want children, but as she approached 30 I kept dreading that some kind of alarm would start going off in her biological clock. Ten years later and now we're both 100% adamant that we don't want them. I'm sorry you're having to go through that.
At 30 Im probably in the worst shape of my life lmao but the kids keep my active. I'm definitely more banged now than when I was 20. I also don't want to be old when they're in HS or college age. Plus if they have grandkids I won't be an old grandpa either.
For real.
I'm 39 and pretty fit, but fuck me if I ever find the dick who decided every 'soft' play has to have hard plastic tubes to crawl through, I'll not be held responsible for my actions. Shit kills your knees, at 33 you're probably still fine, but trust me right around 36-38 it'll be your knees you'll start to feel. It's not limiting, but you're just aware of stuff like crawling in a way you weren't before, working out is still pretty fine, some long runs can occasionally be sore on the knees depending on the terrain. That seems to be pretty universal amongst my peer group, of course we all played a ton of five a side soccer on varying quality of indoor and astroturf pitches growing up which puts wear on your joints.
As long as you're very sure about not having kids OP, I don't see any other option but to go your separate ways. It's such a hard thing to do though, but will be best for both of you. Keeping her hanging on on a 'maybe, is cruel.
Obviously you don't want to end it all and then a couple of years down the line you suddenly realise you want kids so just be really sure before you torch your current relationship.
Obviously you don't want to end it all and then a couple of years down the line you suddenly realise you want kids so just be really sure before you torch your current relationship.
Not that the physical stuff is any joy (first kid at almost 35, second baby at 36 and I'm 38 now), but being older we seem to be handling it a lot better mentally than some younger couples we know. If I go for a third I'll probably be 40 by then. Would not look forward to the pregnancy at all, but def less stress at this ripe old age. :D
Yeah I'm being dramatic for sure. It's a defense mechanism, and I'm definitely baiting for someone to tell me that it's okay to not want to adopt.
I can't help but blush and feel embarrassed at my entitlement and privilege and coldness. Like... My sister has been trying for fucking years to have kids but she and her husband can't. There are so many families like them. I just don't want kids.
There are so many kids who have been abandoned to the system, who don't know their own worth, who need stable and loving homes. My wife works with those kids all of the time and it's tragic. I just don't want kids.
I could have kids. I could adopt a couple of these little ones who need a family and love and education more than anything... But I just don't want to. I'd rather keep my time and money and chase my own dreams. What the fuck. Isn't that incredibly selfish?
It's my life, but I'm having a really hard time reconciling my freedom to the suffering I could potentially be alleviating in the world, and the happiness I'm withholding from my wife.
A relationship of mine has ended because of this. Funny enough, she was the one who really didn't want kids and i could've gone either way. Spent enough time with her and solidly got on one side then she started dropping hints and changed her mind.
Took a while to think and talk about it. IF i wanted kids it would be with her, but i don't, and I was more afraid I would resent her and/or the kids if i stuck around.
She's been with a couple of guys since me and she's still got time (37 yo) so I hope she'll get her chance.
But as everyone has said, it' a pretty big difference.
I'm in something of a situation myself...
My wife and I have 2 amazing kids... and now she wants a 3rd... and I do not. I don't want to be dealing with babies into my mid to late 30's
OP, you have a choice..
My wife and I have 2 amazing kids... and now she wants a 3rd... and I do not. I don't want to be dealing with babies into my mid to late 30's
OP, you have a choice..
Haha, my knees are the one thing that hurts more than other things. I keep joking about getting knee pads, and I really shouldn't have joked. Not joint pain though, it's from crawling around with him on my hard kitchen floor. Unfortunately my son loves his cars which work much better on hard floor than our carpeted living room.
Not a huge thing though and now that he's walking I can be upright a bit more. I still refuse to be lazy and make excuses. I'm gonna play with my son no matter what.
And I really don't see that being an issue exclusive to being in my 30s. Kneeling on hard floors with just your bones is gonna hurt no matter what unless you've got a lot of fat there or something.
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As a kid plus, they're also amazing for fitness! Thanks to them I still fit into my mom' jeans from 1975. They run you around sure, but I have no motivation for gym stuff, so it's been ace.
Definitely. They do that. Having kids has been the only exercise ive had in years.
Yeah being mentally more capable is pretty nice. I can't imagine trying to start a stressful career while sleep deprived and adding more baby stress like most people do mid 20s after college. We're more established and set up now. We have a house and my wife has an amazing career. She got tenure right before the baby. My career isn't anything to write home about but I definitely have more on my resume than I would have earlier.
Living life on your own is just much newer mid 20s. There's a lot you're still figuring out and while you never stop figuring shit out adding a baby to that can be more stressful.
I get stomach cramps imagining your situation OP. But as others have said they went through it too and ultimately made the decision to go their separate ways. I admire that, and I hope I would have had the same courage had I ever been in that situation. As cliche as it sounds if you really do love her you shouldn't force her to give up something so dear to her. You need to let her go.
It's hard to wake up
When the shades have been pulled shut
This house is haunted
It's so pathetic
It makes no sense at all
I'm ripe with things to say
The words rot and fall away
What stupid poem could fix this home
I'd read it every day
When the shades have been pulled shut
This house is haunted
It's so pathetic
It makes no sense at all
I'm ripe with things to say
The words rot and fall away
What stupid poem could fix this home
I'd read it every day
OP
OP
sorry, i've been travelling for work and didn't expect this amount of responses! i can't quote every single person, but a few questions were asked throughout:
- as per my OP, i know the obvious way forward is to 'break up': i was curious who else experienced something similar. thank you to those of you who shared your stories.
- we don't have pets due to renting, although i love dogs. girlfriend does too, but a dog =/= kid.
- not getting into my health issues (unrelated to weight - we are both in shape) on here, but they all kicked off within the last 12 months. this is just a contributing factor though: even if i was 100% healthy i still wouldn't want them.
- i definitely don't "hate" kids. saying that, i've never had any interest in raising them or had any paternal instinct whatsoever. obviously i have friends with kids and they are great, but there is no aspect of fatherhood that i can think of which appeals to me.
- adoption isn't an option as i just don't want kids regardless of who gave birth to them.
- yes, i will eventually get a vasectomy.
- i'm an only child so don't have any nostalgia or connection to other children in the family while growing up.
- i'm 32, not 22. i really don't think i'm going to wake up one morning and have a sudden ephiphany...although i guess stranger things can happen.
- one other factor which i neglected to mention is my mum: i'm an only child, and i know she would *love* to have grandkid/s. i just wish i was wired differently and could give her something that would bring a lot of joy.
thanks for your replies everyone. i will update the thread as time goes on.
- as per my OP, i know the obvious way forward is to 'break up': i was curious who else experienced something similar. thank you to those of you who shared your stories.
- we don't have pets due to renting, although i love dogs. girlfriend does too, but a dog =/= kid.
- not getting into my health issues (unrelated to weight - we are both in shape) on here, but they all kicked off within the last 12 months. this is just a contributing factor though: even if i was 100% healthy i still wouldn't want them.
- i definitely don't "hate" kids. saying that, i've never had any interest in raising them or had any paternal instinct whatsoever. obviously i have friends with kids and they are great, but there is no aspect of fatherhood that i can think of which appeals to me.
- adoption isn't an option as i just don't want kids regardless of who gave birth to them.
- yes, i will eventually get a vasectomy.
- i'm an only child so don't have any nostalgia or connection to other children in the family while growing up.
- i'm 32, not 22. i really don't think i'm going to wake up one morning and have a sudden ephiphany...although i guess stranger things can happen.
- one other factor which i neglected to mention is my mum: i'm an only child, and i know she would *love* to have grandkid/s. i just wish i was wired differently and could give her something that would bring a lot of joy.
thanks for your replies everyone. i will update the thread as time goes on.
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update
OP
OP
it was the hardest thing i ever had to do in my entire life, but i ended it. i truly hope i don't regret what i've done.
You did the right thing. Not gonna lie, it will be difficult for a while but you did the right thing.
I don't see how it could have gone any other way. It was the right decision. Otherwise you spend more years together, increasingly difficult ones as she doesn't get what she wants, and it ends the same way with just more time lost.
You did what you needed for you. Give it time. Time heals all. Wishing you the best. I can't imagine how hard that must've been.
It's the best thing you can do for you and for the other party who truly does want children. Know someone who went through the same thing, another guy not wanting kids after a lengthy relationship.
Fuck this is sad to read.
Starting to think I shouldn't have kids if my body will give out soon too.
Starting to think I shouldn't have kids if my body will give out soon too.
It's hard to hear but yes the answer is to break up. I'm 30 and I had the same thought as you with my ex-girlfriend of the same age last year. If she really does want kids, you're doing her a favor as she has a biological clock to deal with, you don't.
You did what you needed to do. It sucks but this is one thing that is difficult to compromise on without leading to long term resentment.
Hi just wanted to say don't feel guilty for feeling the way you do. You have the right to your own feelings.
I think the great thing about your situation is that you aren't racing a biological clock and by adopting you can avoid many of the drawbacks of early childhood which are brutal on parents and you can "test before you buy"
Now that's not to say that an adopted kid can be returned like consumer goods, just that there are ways to get informed before you take the plunge. For instance try volunteering with a community group that takes teens on trips, that way you can see what it's like to travel with tweens/teens
You still get free time with older kids your day is just structured differently and they can help with housework and don't need nappies changed.
If it's something that you decide you really don't want then it is what it is. It's going to hurt to end from all accounts a healthy relationship, but it's the right thing for both of you.
Edit: you did the right thing OP. Hang in there
You'll be okay OP. You sound like someone who knows what they want and isnt afraid of compromising on the truly important things like creating a new life. I'll send you some good vibes.
Men also have a ticking clock in the sense that after age 40 their fertility begins to decline. With women the decline speeds up after 35. While it's still rare, the chances of developing mental disorders like autism or schizophrenia are 5 times more likely for a guy 40+ than a father 30 years old or less. Less rare are miscarriages plus it could take longer for the mother to actually conceive due to lower sperm counts.
None of this means you shouldn't conceive in your late 30s or later. Lots of people do, my brother and sister in law did and they're 39 and 37. It sounds scary when you bring up developmental disorder but people should probably at least be aware of the risks whatever their likelihood.
Men also have a ticking clock in the sense that after age 40 their fertility begins to decline. With women the decline speeds up after 35. While it's still rare, the chances of developing mental disorders like autism or schizophrenia are 5 times more likely for a guy 40+ than a father 30 years old or less. Less rare are miscarriages plus it could take longer for the mother to actually conceive due to lower sperm counts.
None of this means you shouldn't conceive in your late 30s or later. Lots of people do, my brother and sister in law did and they're 39 and 37. It sounds scary when you bring up developmental disorder but people should probably at least be aware of the risks whatever their likelihood.
Hopefully you are both able to find what you want/need. Stay strong.
Let me assure you the easy solution is not just having kids lol
I know breaking up with her was hard. Sometimes loving someone means setting them free. She deserves to be with someone stoked about kids, you deserve a mate who is stoked about freedom. This hurts now, but you won't regret it.
I know breaking up with her was hard. Sometimes loving someone means setting them free. She deserves to be with someone stoked about kids, you deserve a mate who is stoked about freedom. This hurts now, but you won't regret it.
I'm 31 and my GF turns 31 tomorrow. She said she would like to have kids, but understands that life/ career may prevent that. I never had a desire to have kids unless I was incredibly wealthy. The idea of raising a child with limited finances seems like a Sisyphean task. It's hard enough supporting oneself, shit.
It would just be selfish, irresponsible and unfair to my child. I would want them to have an easy, happy life with as many opportunities and open doors as possible. All of those things are much more feasible with money. Don't kid yourselves if you think otherwise. That's the reality of the world. So if I win the lottery or inherit a lot of money, maybe I'll change my mind.
I used to be against having pets, but nowadays I'd compromise by having a dog or really cool cat (as long as I'm not allergic).
It would just be selfish, irresponsible and unfair to my child. I would want them to have an easy, happy life with as many opportunities and open doors as possible. All of those things are much more feasible with money. Don't kid yourselves if you think otherwise. That's the reality of the world. So if I win the lottery or inherit a lot of money, maybe I'll change my mind.
I used to be against having pets, but nowadays I'd compromise by having a dog or really cool cat (as long as I'm not allergic).
There is the caveat that many women who "don't want children" in there 30s in actuality don't want MORE children. I wonder what's OP stance on Step-hood. Especially if the children are older. The financial responsibility is there, but isn't technically his or as strenuous, baby daddy circumstances, And one could argue the time devotion is significantly less.
I'm befuddled by all those who are complaining it's tough physically in the late 30s. I have a kid in my late thirties and sure ok I might not start a pro soccer career now but I don't feel like my body has started giving away at all, at least not in a way that is incompatible with children. You make it sound like we are ready for the retirement home. As for the op, it sucks but it's life. It would be immensely selfish to prevent her from having kids if that's what she wants so unless you are willing to take a *big* risk better call it quits and on good terms.
