OP there are plenty of good parents out there who've regretted having kids.
Just not too many honest ones.
Just not too many honest ones.
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This is such a horrendous take.Kids aren't the end of the world, you'll love them and won't be able to imagine life without them says every parent ever. Sounds more like you are being selfish about this whole thing, wanting your freedom over what your partner wants because it's comfortable. If you've been together 5 years, don't end it because you are afraid to leave your comfort zone.
That said, if you decide to have kids with her you still got like 2-3 years before she should get pregnant, as you should get married first and get yourselves ready for said kid.
Why's that? I have a one year old now and I'm 33. My wife is 37.
Why's that? I have a one year old now and I'm 33. My wife is 37.
I'm sure and everyone is different but being 40 chasing a toddler is unimagible to me. 29 chasing a 3 year old and a soon to be mobile 6month old is intense. Plus I never wanted to be old while kids were in highschool
Maybe don't abuse your body?I can't imagine the condition of my body at 37 after years of abuse nevermind chasing children.
I was 34 when we had our son. Its exhausting lmao. But its fucking awesome too. We have a lot of fun together.
I really hope you're dramatising for effect, because this is super OTT.I can't find any other monsters like me out there, so my guilt it exacerbated by isolation.
That sucks. I'll just relate my situation with no judgement or insinuation that it is anything like your situation.
My wife wanted kids early into the marriage... year 2 (total of 5 years together). I did not want kids, but I loved my wife, so I was okay not using protection anymore. Nothing. Bupkiss. Turns out I was firing mostly blanks. We didn't find that out until after 7 years of trying. So we did the "manual fertilization" cycle and it didn't work. I love my wife, so I had ball surgery to fix a varicocele. Nothing. We got close to pulling the trigger on donor sperm, but these guys write a bio about themselves and the ones in our price range were dumb. I was going to have to raise a dumb kid who wasn't mine. That bothered me. But wait! What's this in your explanation of benefits about 80% of IVF covered? 11 years into the marriage, we finally had Miles (for the low cost of $6,000 paid with a 30% chance of working). Miles is 4 now. We donated the leftover embryos because we were done. Now, Miles has a brother named Louie up in Michigan and another sister on the way. Louie is 2 years younger than Miles and Fiona will be 4.5 years younger. But they'll all be the same age if you count the point where life began. And we're considered family now. So much better than donating and never knowing.
So I did not want to have a kid, but I did for the marriage. He's 4 and just beginning to really grasp the communication thing.
Expensive? Yes. A lot of work? Yes. BEST. TOY. EVER.? Yup.
We're working our way through Marvel and I've got a nice collection of horror movies for when he's ready. Nearing roller coaster age!
Kids aren't the end of the world, you'll love them and won't be able to imagine life without them says every parent ever. Sounds more like you are being selfish about this whole thing, wanting your freedom over what your partner wants because it's comfortable. If you've been together 5 years, don't end it because you are afraid to leave your comfort zone.
That said, if you decide to have kids with her you still got like 2-3 years before she should get pregnant, as you should get married first and get yourselves ready for said kid.
Edit: I am just going to clarify that while plenty of kids DO have shitty parents that don't want them and are not capable/willing to take care of them, that doesn't seem to be you. There's a difference between not being capable and not wanting. And there's a difference between not wanting to have kids and not wanting your kid. If you love this woman and are just afraid of life changing decisions, running from life changing is not going to make things better.
That sucks, dude. I lived in fear of this happening to me for a few years. When my wife and I got married, I was 31 and she was 27. We were pretty much in agreement that we didn't want children, but as she approached 30 I kept dreading that some kind of alarm would start going off in her biological clock. Ten years later and now we're both 100% adamant that we don't want them. I'm sorry you're having to go through that.I'm 31, wife is 27, and I'm going through the same thing. When we dated and even after we got married we both agreed we didn't want kids, or if we did, it would be way in the future.
Fast forward, and after my wife's father passed away and she's spent a lot of time counseling kids and families through her job, she really wants a family now.
I still don't.
Maybe don't abuse your body?
I'm in the best shape of my life at 33.
Even if you're not at the absolute best you're not decrepit at 30-40. If you are then that's an issue with kids or not.
My dad was younger when they had me, but he literally broke his back in a factory when I was young but managed to play and chase me just fine. Plenty of parents are fine despite actual disabilities. Being middle aged ain't an excuse.
I was 34 when we had our son. Its exhausting lmao. But its fucking awesome too. We have a lot of fun together.
Maybe don't abuse your body?
I'm in the best shape of my life at 33.
Even if you're not at the absolute best you're not decrepit at 30-40. If you are then that's an issue with kids or not.
My dad was younger when they had me, but he literally broke his back in a factory when I was young but managed to play and chase me just fine. Plenty of parents are fine despite actual disabilities. Being middle aged ain't an excuse.
I can't imagine the condition of my body at 37 after years of abuse nevermind chasing children.
Yeah I'm being dramatic for sure. It's a defense mechanism, and I'm definitely baiting for someone to tell me that it's okay to not want to adopt.I really hope you're dramatising for effect, because this is super OTT.
You get one life, man. If you don't want to spend a good chunk of that limited time caring for a child, that's your prerogative and you have no reason to feel ashamed.
A relationship of mine has ended because of this. Funny enough, she was the one who really didn't want kids and i could've gone either way. Spent enough time with her and solidly got on one side then she started dropping hints and changed her mind.edit: i know the answer is 'break up'. i'm curious if anyone has broken up over the same issue.
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so i'm 32 and my girlfriend is about to hit 30. we've been together for five years. when we started dating i was very clear that i never wanted children (this is still the case), whereas she wasn't sure either way.
over the last year or so, she has realised that she does 100% want children after all. this is of course a very natural and 'normal' thing, but i'm still as adamant about not wanting them as i always was. my reasons are fairly cliche: shitty childhood + now have some health issues + may soon have caring responsibilities of my grandparents + i like the current freedom to do what i want with my time and money, etc, etc.
obviously we are at a huge impasse. neither of us have pulled the plug yet, but the lease is up soon and it feels it has to end at some point. the easy 'solution' is for me to say "okay, let's have some kids!" but this is probably the only thing in the world i won't compromise on. conversely, i don't want her to compromise by *not* having them either.
i'm completely gutted, but i know that if/when it ends she will still have an amazing future without me. i just wish i was part of it.
google tells me this situation is somewhat common these days. has anyone experienced something similar?
Not that the physical stuff is any joy (first kid at almost 35, second baby at 36 and I'm 38 now), but being older we seem to be handling it a lot better mentally than some younger couples we know. If I go for a third I'll probably be 40 by then. Would not look forward to the pregnancy at all, but def less stress at this ripe old age. :D
Haha, my knees are the one thing that hurts more than other things. I keep joking about getting knee pads, and I really shouldn't have joked. Not joint pain though, it's from crawling around with him on my hard kitchen floor. Unfortunately my son loves his cars which work much better on hard floor than our carpeted living room.I'm 39 and pretty fit, but fuck me if I ever find the dick who decided every 'soft' play has to have hard plastic tubes to crawl through, I'll not be held responsible for my actions. Shit kills your knees, at 33 you're probably still fine, but trust me right around 36-38 it'll be your knees you'll start to feel. It's not limiting, but you're just aware of stuff like crawling in a way you weren't before, working out is still pretty fine, some long runs can occasionally be sore on the knees depending on the terrain. That seems to be pretty universal amongst my peer group, of course we all played a ton of five a side soccer on varying quality of indoor and astroturf pitches growing up which puts wear on your joints.
As a kid plus, they're also amazing for fitness! Thanks to them I still fit into my mom' jeans from 1975. They run you around sure, but I have no motivation for gym stuff, so it's been ace.
Yeah being mentally more capable is pretty nice. I can't imagine trying to start a stressful career while sleep deprived and adding more baby stress like most people do mid 20s after college. We're more established and set up now. We have a house and my wife has an amazing career. She got tenure right before the baby. My career isn't anything to write home about but I definitely have more on my resume than I would have earlier.Not that the physical stuff is any joy (first kid at almost 35, second baby at 36 and I'm 38 now), but being older we seem to be handling it a lot better mentally than some younger couples we know. If I go for a third I'll probably be 40 by then. Would not look forward to the pregnancy at all, but def less stress at this ripe old age. :D
I don't see how it could have gone any other way. It was the right decision. Otherwise you spend more years together, increasingly difficult ones as she doesn't get what she wants, and it ends the same way with just more time lost.it was the hardest thing i ever had to do in my entire life, but i ended it. i truly hope i don't regret what i've done.
it was the hardest thing i ever had to do in my entire life, but i ended it. i truly hope i don't regret what i've done.
It's the best thing you can do for you and for the other party who truly does want children. Know someone who went through the same thing, another guy not wanting kids after a lengthy relationship.it was the hardest thing i ever had to do in my entire life, but i ended it. i truly hope i don't regret what i've done.
You did what you needed to do. It sucks but this is one thing that is difficult to compromise on without leading to long term resentment.it was the hardest thing i ever had to do in my entire life, but i ended it. i truly hope i don't regret what i've done.
Thanks for this thread OP, because I almost made it myself last week.
I'm 31, wife is 27, and I'm going through the same thing. When we dated and even after we got married we both agreed we didn't want kids, or if we did, it would be way in the future.
Fast forward, and after my wife's father passed away and she's spent a lot of time counseling kids and families through her job, she really wants a family now.
I still don't.
I feel shitty and guilty and selfish for not wanting kids. I feel even shittier because my wife wants to adopt, so it's not like we'd be adding to the population; we'd be performing a great, altruistic act of love and sacrifice.
I cannot tell you how weighed down by shame I am about all of this, but I cannot help it. I simply don't want to give up the next 20 years of my life for kids. I don't hear that calling. I don't have that soul urge.
Tl;dr my marriage may end eventually because my wife is a saint who wants to adopt children and I'm a selfish asshole who wants to travel, write, and have free time instead.
Googling made it worse for me, because 99% of the articles dealing with shame over not wanting children are from a woman's perspective, and when they're from a man's, overpopulation is always a justification. I can't find any other monsters like me out there, so my guilt it exacerbated by isolation.
I don't mean to hijack your thread, I just wanted to say... I understand.
It's hard to hear but yes the answer is to break up. I'm 30 and I had the same thought as you with my ex-girlfriend of the same age last year. If she really does want kids, you're doing her a favor as she has a biological clock to deal with, you don't.
Hopefully you are both able to find what you want/need. Stay strong.it was the hardest thing i ever had to do in my entire life, but i ended it. i truly hope i don't regret what i've done.
There is the caveat that many women who "don't want children" in there 30s in actuality don't want MORE children. I wonder what's OP stance on Step-hood. Especially if the children are older. The financial responsibility is there, but isn't technically his or as strenuous, baby daddy circumstances, And one could argue the time devotion is significantly less.It's a dealbreaker OP, and rightfully so.
Sorry about the painful breakup ahead of you. The only comfort I can provide is that in your 30s it's much more common to find women who are also sure they do not want children, so hopefully your next relationship will not have this issue.
Edit: and yes, I know of several couples who split up for this reason. The opposite case sounds terrifying, frankly!
I want to hear more about how she took itit was the hardest thing i ever had to do in my entire life, but i ended it. i truly hope i don't regret what i've done.
it was the hardest thing i ever had to do in my entire life, but i ended it. i truly hope i don't regret what i've done.