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Ending a relationship over kids
- Thread starter earthsucks
- Start date
I wish other people would have some self doubt before procreating, would save of kids a lot of heart ache.
Ultimately though why would I want to cede having children to the people that didn't worry about whether they'd be good parents or find the time to balance their lives though?
I'm in the same boat, struggling to try and establish my own identity before I become someone's father, worrying whether I'd be a good dad or not, wondering how I would ever get any free time to myself. It will come to a head in my relationship too. My life flipped so fast from NEET without an adult relationship to even considering having kids it's completely knocked me for six.
If you can honestly say you're 99.9 percent set on never having kids, let her go. If you need to mull it over for a couple of years to get your head around it, you should probably let her go in that case too so she doesn't waste precious childbearing years.
Ultimately though why would I want to cede having children to the people that didn't worry about whether they'd be good parents or find the time to balance their lives though?
I'm in the same boat, struggling to try and establish my own identity before I become someone's father, worrying whether I'd be a good dad or not, wondering how I would ever get any free time to myself. It will come to a head in my relationship too. My life flipped so fast from NEET without an adult relationship to even considering having kids it's completely knocked me for six.
If you can honestly say you're 99.9 percent set on never having kids, let her go. If you need to mull it over for a couple of years to get your head around it, you should probably let her go in that case too so she doesn't waste precious childbearing years.
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This stood out to me. If kids/no kids is something you're both adamant on with your life goals, this is going to be the worst solution long-term for everyone involved, and it would likely have a significant probability of dooming your relationship in the future.
Being profoundly different people looking for profoundly different things seems like a very sensible reason to end a relationship.
I was in a similar Position many years ago. Now I have 5 month old boy and I love him to death. Best thing in my life.
My first position was exactly like OPs. But it changed over time. Children are hard work but they are worth the stress.
My first position was exactly like OPs. But it changed over time. Children are hard work but they are worth the stress.
As someone getting divorced with children: it's time to bail. The longer you drag it out the harder it will be.
I've always told my recent gfs and people I dated that I don't want kids, full stop. Some were pretty chill about it and agreed that we should part ways, others not so much, but it is better that way. My current gfs know this, and I've always told her that if the changes her mind about it she's free to leave, because I won't change my stand, ever.
Oh fucking please. What the fuck is this bullshit?
I mean, your entire post was dreadful shit but this is the cherry on top of the turd.
Making decisions different than the decisions you made is "selfish", got it.
You realize the Earth is dying and quality of life is going to drop precipitously right?
Adoption is a thing.
"The planet is dying" is not a great excuse, it's fine to just don't want kids.
My wife has a friend who wanted to have kids but her long term boyfriend did not and he basically wasted her time for a few years before they finally broke up a fe year or so ago.
To be fair he didn't waste her time as much as they constantly avoided dealing with the road block in their lives. But he knew.
To be fair he didn't waste her time as much as they constantly avoided dealing with the road block in their lives. But he knew.
First of all, don't be condescending.
Most of my extended family is adopted, I have an adopted brother, and fostering is exactly what I plan on doing if I change my mind later in life.
But I disagree with your assertion that it isn't "a great excuse"
It is not an excuse it is a practical reason that WILL have an impact on mine and my hypothetical child's life.
But go off I guess you seem to know more about this than me, you're so wise
I was talking about OP, he said he don't want to have kids for other reasons (like his grandparents).
Everyone is free to choose what to do with their lifes.
I think it's fine to not want to have kids but I'm not quite sure i understand your reasons. Shitty childhood? So your childhood was shitty so that means your kid's will be as well? Don't think that makes sense. Have to take care of your grandparents? Ok, that's commendable but not really your responsibility and just sounds like an excuse. And let's be honest here, if you're 32 your grandparents are probably in their what, 80s? Not to be a dick, but it's not like they'll be around forever. You want to spend your money on what you like? Ok, that's fine. But is it not your girlfriend's money, too? You didn't say you couldn't afford it, you said youre selfish. The only legit reason is really your health concern and you didn't provide much info there, not that you're obligated to.
It'd be one thing if you hated kids, wanted nothing to do with changing shit diapers, listening to crying, waking up for feedings, etc. Quality of life shit. But your reasons to me sound more like excuses. Like, if you had a good childhood, your grandparents were not around and your girlfriend said she'd pay for everything child related, you'd want kids?
It'd be one thing if you hated kids, wanted nothing to do with changing shit diapers, listening to crying, waking up for feedings, etc. Quality of life shit. But your reasons to me sound more like excuses. Like, if you had a good childhood, your grandparents were not around and your girlfriend said she'd pay for everything child related, you'd want kids?
If you do not want kids, please, DO NOT HAVE KIDS. You can't just return them to the store.
I've been in your position. Sometimes, ya just gotta let go (unfortunately).
I've been in your position. Sometimes, ya just gotta let go (unfortunately).
Lordy, no. If you don't want to have kids, DONT HAVE A KID. Yes it sucks to break up with someone who does, but there are no take backs here.
Sure you could roll the dice and be happy you did in the end, or you could end up regretting it and being stuck in the situation for near on 20 years and basically being unable to talk about it because regretting having kids is a giant taboo.
There is no compromise position in this, you can't have half a kid. If you're certain you don't want them (and frankly at your age you're probably pretty certain) then you have to end the relationship for both your sakes.
What a disgusting sentiment. Kids are something you have because you want to have them. Not because of some dumb platitude or as a personal challenge.
Anyway end it now. It's clear that they want kids and you don't and this is something neither of you should compromise on.
If you're absolutely convinced that you don't want kids, you should split up. But you should be honest with yourself as well, so make sure you take a good look at the reasons why you're against the idea of having a child. It's gonna be tough either way. Wishing you good luck.
I think when it comes to having kids it has to be a "fuck yeah" decision with both parties. I feel like if there is any uncertainty about it, chances are you will have some bad issues down the road with your partner.
If you have any friends with children, ask if they would be alright with your partner and you babysitting sometime. Haha.
If you have any friends with children, ask if they would be alright with your partner and you babysitting sometime. Haha.
Can anyone ever say they were 100% ready to be a parent, I don't know if anyone truly is. Hell, statistically, 50% of pregnancies are unplanned so there's a lot of parents out there that probably weren't ready. That being said that doesn't mean you should jump into it as well without having an honest discussion with your GF. Minds change, circumstances change, feelings change and maybe that's something worth exploring. However if you truly feel that you're not ready, best to end it now before you're too far into the relationship.
You are both in your early 30s and that is a crucial age at deciding Yes or No because time is against the parter who wants kids
Sucks, but if either of you relent—there's a high chance that there will always be some resentment about having kids in the relationship. Best for you both to just move on.
I have a friend who's wife just filed for divorce kinda out-of-the-blue over this same thing.
He thought they were happy.
Let her go so she can get what she wants out of life. If not now, she'll do it later.
He thought they were happy.
Let her go so she can get what she wants out of life. If not now, she'll do it later.
Might be worth trying to work through your feelings about children with a therapist if you're having second thoughts, but if you're really sure then it sounds like you know what needs to happen.
Unfortunately not much you can do in that situation. Having a kid just to appease someone won't help when you truly don't want one, and it's such a big thing that it's not something a partner can just accept.
And there is nothing wrong with not ever wanting a kid. Goddamn, I will never understand why people try to be forceful about it.
And there is nothing wrong with not ever wanting a kid. Goddamn, I will never understand why people try to be forceful about it.
So there are a few talking points:
1. Don't bring climate change data or whatever was recommended. Spreadsheets don't need to be part of this conversation.
2. Kids are hard. If you're not emotionally or financially capable at the age of 30, don't roll the dice on them.
3. She has less than 10 years before it's impossible or dangerous. If you don't want kids, break it off immediately so that she has a chance to find another partner.
4. Don't ask your 30s friends if kids are worth it, you need to talk to your 50 or 60 yo friends or co-workers. Life satisfaction is very different for the last half and you'll get a completely different perspective.
1. Don't bring climate change data or whatever was recommended. Spreadsheets don't need to be part of this conversation.
2. Kids are hard. If you're not emotionally or financially capable at the age of 30, don't roll the dice on them.
3. She has less than 10 years before it's impossible or dangerous. If you don't want kids, break it off immediately so that she has a chance to find another partner.
4. Don't ask your 30s friends if kids are worth it, you need to talk to your 50 or 60 yo friends or co-workers. Life satisfaction is very different for the last half and you'll get a completely different perspective.
I never ever ever want kids. They're a deal breaker for me. If my partner wanted them then it'd be an instant relationship ender. It's not fair on me to have a kid I don't want and it's not fair on my partner to not have the kid they want.
People are seriously trying to convince OP to begrudgingly have a child by just arguing that "Well it worked out for me"?
I know we are all about smashing the patriarchy and such nowadays, but even if I don't agree that anyone adamantly against having kids should force themselves to have them, the part about getting married isn't bad advice. Having kids is absolutely a huge financial burden, and grabbing whatever tax benefits and such you can get as a married couple both leading up to and after birth is basically a requirement for most couples. It shouldn't be like that, but this is the world we live in.
I was 38 when my son was born. Sure, I'll be almost 60 when he graduates high school, but I wouldn't trade it for the world.
2-3 years? Marriage? Wtf
I'm sure and everyone is different but being 40 chasing a toddler is unimagible to me. 29 chasing a 3 year old and a soon to be mobile 6month old is intense. Plus I never wanted to be old while kids were in highschool