Does your parents ask or care about your interests?

[Fudgepuppy]

I have a pretty contentious relationship with my dad. From perusing /r/raisedbynarcissists, I see a lot of my dad in there. He can never admit to being wrong, he can never genuinely apologize, always framing it as "well it's your fault for taking offense", almost always finding a way to put you down. His way is the only way to do things, and nothing can change his mind.

The main difference from most of the extreme cases of the subreddit, is that I know that my dad does care about me and my siblings. He will always help us if we need to, he will contact us and check how we're doing, and he will show genuine anger if we're wronged by anyone.

When he does help, he will often do it with the context of "you better appreciate this", no matter how small or big the favor is.

In November I moved back to live with him in Sweden as I had lived abroad for 6 years. I got a job that was remote but required me to be in Sweden (my "motherland"), and I needed some time and resources to get settled with an apartment. I've finally gotten an apartment and I'm moving on April 1, which he will help me move everything to.

It's been pretty arduous, but I've tried my best to stay out of his hair, not aggravate or upset him. It most definitely reminded me a lot of the difficult years when I lived with him due to me not being financially stable enough to get my own apartment (took a while for me to be employed 100% by my then employer).

I thought that it could be due to us not communicating enough, and I remembered him telling me like a decade ago "you never care about me or what I do". I thought then that the best thing to do was to just show interest in what he was doing. What I would do is whenever I went up to the floor where he lives, I would ask him what he's watching on TV, try and start a conversation. I would do this multiple times a day, starting conversations about everything, even sports that I have no interest in but he loves to death.

He still didn't ask me a single thing about what I do, what I like, not even asking what my job is. He would pretty much only ask me how things were with my family and friends. I even told him numerous times about the podcast I have with my two friends, and he hasn't even asked about it or if he can listen to it. It has been very much a one-way street in terms of communication.

Since I'm now moving, I thought it's better to just get it out. I told him "I think it's a bit sad that you never ask me what I'm doing when I'm always asking you".
This is how the conversation went:

- Him: "*Chuckling* You mean when you asked me right now about the movie? That must've been the one time you've done it."
- Me: "No I do it almost every day, here are five examples from the last three days"
- Him: "Well we don't really have that type of communication" (still chuckling)
- Me: "But I'm trying to achieve that type of communication"
- Him: "But when am I supposed to ask you? I never come down to your room? You ask me when you come up here. And besides, you're mostly playing games so what do I get out of asking about games? I don't know anything about that stuff"
- Me: "I don't know or really care about sports but I still ask you and try and find some interest in it with conversations"
- Him: "And it's really nice that you do"

And this is when I realized that my mom never asks me either. She has never shown any interest or asked questions about what music I'm listening to, what shows I'm watching, what movies I like, what games I'm playing and what they're about.

Is this normal or do I just have two parents that just don't care? Do parents usually ask you for details about your interests?

 

[julia crawford]

Neither really ever took a lot of interest in what i like, but not in a bad way, we've always been very different in what we like so there's never been a lot to discuss.

And thank god because i don't know how i could explain why or how i came to like reading japanese comic books about lesbians

 

[Yahsper]

My parents do and try really hard, but since it's so out of their comfort zone, they quickly forget whatever I said. This in turn has made me a bit pesky when they ask now because they (my mom mostly) will often ask someone she already asked dozens of times on a weekly basis. So while I really appreciate that they try, it's also mighty annoying that they instantly forget whatever I said.

But I'm grateful that they at least make the effort. I know I'm partly to blame, since it's sometime difficult to stay patient when things are chaotic and I have to explain my job for the fifth time this month.

 

[Solomon Grundy]

I would find it weird if my parents asked me about videogames. We are now likely to half about things which are shared interacts.

 

[.exe]

Hahaha, no.

 

[Menchin]

Both my mom and my dad like to play video games and my dad likes to watch me play video games that he finds too complicated or difficult. He's also a backseat gamer

 

[Deleted member 19626]

I was very into video games as a kid and my parents had zero interest and didn't care to pretend. Now, my kids are starting to get into gaming and I couldn't be more happy, but my oldest is five and will likely change interests and I'll do my best to keep up

 

[Kwigo]

At some point my mom knew my raid schedule, that's about it from her. She just never got interested in games or stuff like that, but she would always encourage me once she understood that it was my passion.
My dad once or twice tried getting interested in games but it just wasn't for him.

I didn't mind when I was growing up, but now I kinda wish there were some other things we could talk about than "how's work?" and the latest neighborhood gossip.

 

[Dinjooh]

I don't think either of them know what I do for a living, much less have any idea what my hobbies are.

I would've loved for them to take a more active interest in what I do, but it comforts me to know that I have every intention of trying to embrace whatever hobbies my kids may have.

 

[CloudWolf]

For the longest time my mom thought I really liked Coldplay.

So no, not really outside of "He likes music" and "He likes movies".

 

[jackie daytona]

I've had many discussions/arguments with my parents over this.

It's not so much that they weren't interested, but they were entirely dismissive of my interest in video games. To them, games were always the enemy. Did I do poorly in school because of (potentially) undiagnosed ADHD, or a lack of parental structure to ensure I actually did my homework? No, it was the games.

I mean, I can't blame them entirely for my current state. But as it is now, I'm distant from gaming. I still love it, and enjoy following the latest news, but I simply am not absorbed by it any more. In fact, I really have no deep interests, beyond surface level. And I always wonder if, perhaps, I may have taken computer science classes in school to follow my interest, rather than bumbling around for a decade to end up with a useless associates.

In their defense, they simply didn't know what to do with me. They thought they were acting in my best interests, so I can't hate them for it.

But, I guess that's not really here nor there.

 

[Arkanim94]

No, they are usually condescending about my interests.

 

[Mr. Snuffleupagus]

Not at all - they can't understand why I studied Japanese at university or spent 6 years living there (and due to head back soon). I often get told that they wanted me to be a lawyer instead...ah well.

And thank god because i don't know how i could explain why or how i came to like reading japanese comic books about lesbians

Click to shrink...

Let me regale you of the time my father found my Noir doujinshi - fun times~

 

[Finale Fireworker]

My parents and I don't speak anymore, but growing up there was a lot of tension between the things I liked and wanted to do and the things my parents wanted me to be doing. This was mostly caused by my father because I will focus on him.

When I was very young, my father and I were very affectionate and did a lot of things together. We'd ride bikes in the cemetery, we'd bring nets to a pond and catch frogs, he'd take me to a park to use a remote control car, and there were certain interests I had where I felt supported by him. I went through a kaiju phase where I really loved Godzilla and he would hunt down rare VHS tapes so I could watch Godzilla movies I'd never seen before. More from my mother than my father, but I also got artistic encouragement and they'd buy me art supplies when I asked for them. This period of time, which lasted until I was 7 or 8, was when I felt really supported by my mother and father.

I did have to do things I didn't like. I had to play little league baseball, I had to play soccer, but these were things a lot of 90s kids had to do and almost all of us disliked doing it. I didn't object to having to play on these teams because my whole team seemed to wish they didn't have to do it so I just understood that this was what sports were - an obligation we all had to do. But it was fine.

When I was 7, Pokémon happened. I loved Pokémon. Pokémon was unlike anything else I ever liked in that it overtook all my other interests and became the only thing I wanted to do. The games, the cards, occasionally the anime, the toys, etc. Pokémon was an irresistible joy that shaped me and my friend group so dramatically that it made my parents uncomfortable. They did not like Pokémon to begin with. They thought it was an alienating, expensive fad. They saw me as a victim of the phenomenon and did not want to support it, so for the first time I clashed with my parents over something I like. My time with Pokémon was restricted. My access to Pokémon was limited. I had to kind of enjoy it out of sight and not let them know how much I liked it. This was also the time my father and I stopped doing things together because I think he could tell all I wanted to do was talk about or play Pokémon.

In the next couple of years, I think it was 2000, my uncle gave me his Nintendo 64. This is something my parents were hugely against, but accepted bitterly. They did not like video games. They did not like me playing video games. They did not want video games in the house, but here they were. As goofy as it sounds, they did not want a "gamer child" and tried and failed to find a balance between allowing me to play video games with not actually wanting me to play them at all. This produced more tension and an uncomfortable environment where I'd spend a lot of my time playing video games in the basement with the sound off so my parents wouldn't hear me. I'd quickly change the channel or turn off the TV to hide what I was playing video games. Getting caught playing video games was always really embarrassing and to this day I still feel a lot of embarrassment over my interests and prefer to enjoy them privately.

As I got older and into my early teens my father tried to reconnect with me again by getting me involved in his interests. He wanted me to lift weights with him. He wanted to throw a football around. We tried these things and failed. It was work. There were fights. We both got nothing out of it. He'd try giving me CDs from bands he liked. He'd recommend movies to me. In retrospect I can see that he really was trying to find something to connect with me over, but they were all things that he already liked and did. His complete animosity towards my interests and my hobbies meant anything I liked was off limits and we failed to connect over his interests.

In 2001, the only thing I wanted for Christmas was a GameCube. I pleaded with my parents saying they didn't have to get me anything else except the GameCube, which they outright refused to do. Usually when I wanted something they weren't going to get me they'd say things like "maybe, we'll see" and I knew that was a no. But with the GameCube they just outright said no. They didn't want me to have a GameCube. But because I wanted it so much, I still held on to the thought maybe I'd get one. When Christmas came there was one big rectangular box under the tree, which they described as my "big present." It was not shaped like a GameCube box should be shaped, but I managed to convince myself it could be a GameCube. When I opened it there was a weight bench in side. I was devastated. I tried so hard not to be a crybaby and save face but boy did I hate opening that wrapping paper and seeing a weight bench underneath it.

When the weight bench was not the magic solution to the gap that had grown between my father and I, I think he stopped trying. I didn't care anymore either. We both cut our losses and stopped trying to share our interests and we kept our interests separate and private. When I look back as an adult, I think it's really sad and upsetting how powerful of a phobia my father had of the things I liked. He wanted me to like his things so bad, and just kinda kept waiting and thinking I'd come around eventually, but obviously it never did. My father and I had lots of problems far more severe than this, and we haven't spoken in years, so thinking back on this aspect of our relationship feels like the least important. But it's definitely symptomatic of a lot of our larger issues that also never got resolved. At this rate they never will.

 

[Finale Fireworker]

And thank god because i don't know how i could explain why or how i came to like reading japanese comic books about lesbians

Click to shrink...

One time as a teenager when my parents seized my computer after secretly monitoring my activity with spyware, I had to sit across from my conservative father and shamefully explain what "hentai" was. I have never recovered from this incident.

 

[The Bookerman]

Outside my interests of cars(dad), interior design and architecture(mom), no....
My interests that don't coincide with theirs, they never discuss or ask about.

 

[Edward]

I don't think my parents have ever asked or gave a shit about my interest outside some of the few interest me and my dad shared.

But to be completely fair i tried to do the opposite with my kids and that ended real quick.

 

[gdt]

My mom is so supportive and caring and fierce with her love. We (try to) talk every day. Woman raised me.

My dad is not involved (they divorced a loooong time ago), I talked to him every couple of months. He was at my wedding and was extremely moved though, so I'm sure there's regret on his part.

Edit: I misread the thread a bit. Yes my mom asks about my/my wife's interests. But in terms of being involved not really. Though we are planning a family trip for next year, so we will travel together.

 

[Dinjooh]

One time as a teenager when my parents seized my computer after secretly monitoring my activity with spyware, I had to sit across from my conservative father and shamefully explain what "hentai" was. I have never recovered from this incident.

Click to shrink...

How to remove whatever trust your kids have towards you in just this one simple step!

I don't think my parents have ever asked or gave a shit about my interest outside some of the few interest me and my dad shared.

But to be completely fair i tried to do the opposite with my kids and that ended real quick.

Click to shrink...

How so?

 

[Rotkehle]

My parents and I don't speak anymore, but growing up there was a lot of tension between the things I liked and wanted to do and the things my parents wanted me to be doing. This was mostly caused by my father because I will focus on him.
...

Click to shrink...

Wow, this hit me harder than I thought. Not because I have a similar relationship with my father (we do not have the same hobbies and he never was able to understand my hobbies, he never tried to stop me from anything), but how much I hope my son and I will have the overlaps in our hobbies and interests. He is 3 btw.

 

[Siggy-P]

To be fair I think me and my brother broke my mothers interest by constantly saying g "HEY WATCH THIS!!!" During things like Isaac Clarke eye getting gouged out or Mortal Kombat fatalities.

She does take genuine interest in anything non-video game related though. My little brother makes her watch all sorts of films. She can't stand them but watches them anyway.

 

[Jerm]

No lol

 

[dark494]

Nah, they're very stereotypical, old-fashioned people still stuck in the 70's/80's. They largely just make fun of everything I ever liked and have nothing in common with me or my interests.

 

[nny]

No, not at all; they never really tried to get to know me. Regarding my hobbies, it only got so far as criticizing them, because of money or time spent. They seemed to only care how I did in school / job.

In recent years I've been trying to open up more and share with my mom (my dad has passed), but I feel like I bore her 😅

 

[supafamiman]

They don't ask.

I don't blame them. I usually don't ask about things I'm not interested in either. I could see it getting tiring for myself if I made it a habit to ask about things I wasn't interested in.

This might sound bad but when you ask about your parents interests that you aren't interested in with expectation that need to engage you with things they might not be interested in, you get a bunch of people talking about things they aren't interested in.

I understand the good intention though.

 

[Edward]

How to remove whatever trust your kids have towards you in just this one simple step!



How so?

Click to shrink...

It's disingenuous and it doesn't benefit anyone and when you have 4 kids 2 which are very young and hop between interest every 2 days it's impossible to care and that's ok. We all have interest we share and i would rather focus on that.

 

[Helix]

yup, quite a bit actually. they are the ones that push me to actually do something creative once in awhile.

 

[klastical]

I spent a long time shutting my family out and now they don't try that hard. I did it to myself by being a dick in my 20's but it still sucks. I recently went to England to meet the love of my life and my mom was more interested in asking me questions about my travel difficulties then about what we did together.

I think my mom just doesn't know how to have a conversation. It generally always feels like she's just waiting for her turn to talk and also half the time it seems she doesn't even process what I said.

 

[Nexus2049]

They don't ask, but if they see me playing a game they will inquire about it.

 

[Briareos]

As a parent who watched an episode of Smiling Friends with his teenager recently, I'm not sure I want to keep asking.

 

[Apal_ytos]

Conersations with my father:
Father: How r u?
Me: Fine, you?
Father: Fine.

Converstation with my mother:
Mother: How r u?
Me: Fine, you?
Mother: Fine, how are the cats?
And then we talk about the cats.

I don't tell them anything about my personal life and very little about my job.

 

[Seikca]

They usually pick up my interests based only on what they see me doing. Sometimes they try and make fun of what I like, sometimes we have nice conversations about some of the hobbies we share. If they like something I'm not that into it, I try to pick up the basics on my own so I can keep up with their conversations.

It's not that bad, after reading some of the comments here.

 

[Seirith]

Both my parents do, they will asked if I watched XY TV show or movie and if I say no, tell me about something in it or something funny. They will ask me about movies, how something I went to was and if they read something about video games they will say something about it, like I saw a new Mario game is coming out. If they come over and my husband is playing a game my dad will go and watch him play and ask him what game it is.

 

[hjort]

My parents (also Swedish) never really cared openly about my interests. When I discovered videogames in the 80's they were pretty concerned about that, and a bit dismissive at first, but came to accept and tolerate it. They never talked to me about it or showed any interest in it. Well, there was this one time when I was ten or so that my dad made an effort to play Tetris with me for a period of time. Back then I thought he just found the game interesting, but I've come to realize that was just his way of trying to bond with me over something, since we're so different. It probably didn't work as intended, but I really appreciate the effort.

They've always found my taste in music to be pretty bad, but they always let me play or listen to whatever, even if they never took an active interest in it.

So, they've never talked to me about these things or shown any interest, but I've felt supported anyway. They pitched in towards my N64 when that came out since they realized it was a big deal to me, and they let me buy an electric guitar when all the other kids bought mopeds and shit. I know my dad would have wanted a son that he could talk to about motors and stuff, instead of some dork sitting in his room trying to play punk rock, but he let me do that and never complained about all the noise. That's more than good enough for me.

 

[Shiloh]

They don't ask about video games or how I stay active really, but we discuss cooking and gardening.

Which makes sense, they find it silly an adult still has video games as a hobby, and wouldn't know anything about it. Also exercise isn't exactly fun to talk about.

 

[Ambient80]

Absolutely. My dad tried watching video games/playing them with me but gets an awful headache, and my mom doesn't like them very much. But, my other interests they took a huge interest in. Bought me musical instruments and set me up with private lessons. Hired a vocal coach when I got into singing. They're always on the lookout for weird hot sauce flavors since I'm into trying those and making my own now. Dad and I go to different sports games a lot and text each other during games since we live kinda far apart now, and we're going to a KC Chiefs game next season.

 

[Sword Familiar]

They don't really ask no, and are also not interested themselves. We just talk about common issues when we meet,

 

[Vinc]

No, but they care about me getting to interact with my interests.

 

[Hippopuncher12]

When I was a child sure, now? No, not really, nor would I expect them to. They care more about what my children are interested in which makes sense to me.

 

[Pocky4Th3Win]

Nope, My parents and I never saw eye to eye on anything. We still get along and they are great with the kids but other then a few political leanings we are different in many ways.

My parents HATED that I loved videogames. Growing up my dad would say things like "why the hell do I play this garbage?" Or "If you are going to read the screen, read a book." They would joke that I would come out radiated from the TV because they would see the glow under my door at night. I am 40 and they still don't agree with my gaming habits even though they will always come to me first for any tech advice.

 

[echoshifting]

No and I prefer it that way because when these topics come up they can't seem to help but make fun of me and put me down over my interests.

 

[abellwillring]

Somewhat. When I got into anime back in high school they did pay to get this awesome FLCL poster I had framed for Christmas and I've later in life find out how expensive that could be but neither of them even like animated movies in general so I've barely ever been able to even get them to watch anything. My mom did watch Grave of the Fireflies with me two nights before 9/11 happened which was sort of an interesting parallel. Mostly though with video games I always had to buy my own after I got a Sega Genesis for Christmas -- they still generally try and buy me more "useful" things (which I appreciate to be honest) for Christmas. I understand they'll never be big into games or anime but they do like some of my other interests too (other sports, especially American football, movies/TV/music/whatever) so it's nice to talk about that stuff.

My parents have been addicted to pickleball for the last couple years now so I played with them when I went home for Christmas finally in December and have tried to show some interest in something they love but I never watch the events or anything like that, so I get being largely indifferent to something your loved one loves.

 

[Adam_Roman]

Nope. When I was in middle school and high school I tried to share my interests with them and they made it very clear they don't care. Through college there were a couple times my mom would ask to see some of the stuff I was doing in college, but I feel like that was just because she wanted to see how badly my student loans were being wasted on being an art major. The last 2 years I've been getting into baking and considering selling cookies, and my mom yelled at me over buying a $90 stand mixer. I've lived on my own for 3 years so far and apparently I'm still too irresponsible with my money according to her. At this point most of my conversations with my mom are about how planning my wedding is going, and my conversations with my dad are either about my car or his garden and garage. It sucks but if they don't care I'm not gonna try to put energy into sharing it with them.

 

[FinFunnels]

I only talk with my parents like maybe twice a year, but they've always shown a lot of interest in what I do

I used to talk to them endlessly about video game and especially Pokemon when I was a kid lol

These days we'll mostly talk about life. I have a lot of siblings and we're all adults now, so my parents will talk about visiting my siblings and seeing the grandkids, etc. I don't have any kids, but I'll talk with my parents about my job and about what games I've played lately. They're also gamers. My mom is super into Stardew Valley. She has like 2000 hours in the Steam version alone, and also plays i ton Switch lol. My step dad likes playing Call of Duty and my biological dad is really into RPGs and gachas.

 

[TheWooniestWoona]

My mom always has. Even when she didn't like the things I was into she still shows interest and likes me talking about them with her. It probably also helps that she's a huge nerd and shares a lot of my interests anyway.

My dad never cared one bit. I don't really speak to him anymore, but he would actively disparage anything I was into if it wasn't something he liked. Even the last time I saw him he talked at me about how I should grow up and stop having the interests I do.

 

[Candylion]

.

 

[AliceAmber]

With my mother, yes. But my father, no. He was incredibly judgemental when I was into cosplay. He's an alcoholic so he's a bit unpredictable. So I tend to not share too much with him.

 

[Red]

I honestly can't imagine having any sort of normal human conversation with either of my parents.

 

[BasilZero]

My parents don't care for my interests because they know that whatever I have planned or am interested in would be over their heads

They aren't educated and don't have a long term plan/visions like I do

Like for an example the house I built/bought in 2018 was something I had been planning almost 10 years prior

While they are short sighted and just live in the now and not in the future.

 

[Random Painted Highway]

Sports is about it. I did break it to my dad that my soon to be 11 year old son would have zero interest in going to the baseball hall of Fame over the summer. So there is going to be a real divide there, but I don't particularly care to foist sports on son. I will say that I will be sad when I don't have a little buddy to talk mcu/star wars/batman with, if he outgrows that.