Does anyone know how to break the "tomorrow I'll start my perfect existence" cycle?

[Deleted member 17643]

Let me explain, any given day if I fuck up at all, that's the end of everything. I'm trying to quit caffeine, go to the gym six days a week, further improve my diet, and cut fast food entirely. If I screw up ONE of those, I'm likely to screw up the rest, with the constant mantra that "tomorrow will be different", or "tomorrow I start fresh and won't fuck it up." I've been like this my entire life and it has been massively detrimental to my well being. I think it has something to do with my diagnosed OCD, as it's almost ritualistic in its nature, but I imagine it's also not that uncommon. The obvious issue is there are no fresh starts in life, so this perfectionism is inherently unsustainable. I know this to be true, yet I can't break this near constant thought process.

This permeates nearly every facet of my being and it needs to stop. Is it a simple lack of discipline? Laziness? I honestly can't tell anymore. This system has been built up over so many years that it's almost flawlessly fucked. It's a part of my brain that knows how defeat the other part (the "correct" part) in nearly every way, if that makes sense.

So any advice, stories of overcoming this... anything at all would be greatly appreciated.

 

[TheCthultist]

Start today

Specifically, don't give yourself the chance to put this stuff off. Don't trust yourself to get better, force your hand. Make yourself start on this stuff.

It'll be tough at first, but it does eventually get easier.

 

[Blue Skies]

Are you me?

Just don't start drinking beer

 

[____]

Start today

Click to shrink...

☝🏿

And maybe focus on one or two of those things instead of all 4 at once.

 

[Mekanos]

Think of one thing you want to do better, and work towards it incrementally.

When you feel comfortable, start another thing in tandem.

Repeat.

 

[TheCthultist]

☝🏿

And maybe focus on one or two of those things instead of all 4 at once.

Click to shrink...

Yeah, this cannot be overstated. You WILL burn out if you try to change everything at the same time. But little steps or focusing on a particular aspect will get your results faster than you might expect.

 

[kittens]

Perfection is a myth. Just support yourself in your wellbeing and growth, and try to enjoy the process.

 

[TheSpaceBetween]

Putting it off until tomorrow is always a bad idea. If you really are serious about change you have to do it NOW. It's not all or nothing. You will continue to make mistakes. But the only time you can ever change something is in the present moment. If you make a bad choice during the day, move on from it and make a better choice NOW. Don't wait until tomorrow.

 

[PeakPointMatrix]

Accept the mistake and minimize its importance. Why erase the entire save file in a game just because you died once? There is no "perfect run" in life, and holding yourself to the standard of needing to be perfect or nothing at all is just an excuse to do nothing at all.

 

[Saint of Killers]

Don't use falling off the wagon as an excuse to set the thing on fire; if you fuck your diet up by eating junk food, don't then use that as an excuse to not go to the gym or to carry on stuffing your face for the rest of the day. I workout and eat healthily. Sometimes I'll eat things I'm not meant to and sometimes I let that failure be the excuse to eat more crap. But what I won't do is use that excuse to not work out. I've been on that journey for 4 years now and there was no magic way of getting to that point, other than having a goal/motivation and then discipline taking over as time passed. Now I can't not workout even if I give myself permission! (As it were.)

Maybe set yourself a more achievable set of goals? Example: keep the caffeine for the moment; go to gym fewer times and for a shorter duration (and build on duration over time); eat healthily but don't starve; and allow yourself one treat a week. Something like that. I think you're trying too much all at once.

Good luck!

 

[Deleted member 4321]

Ditch perfect.

Start now.

Don't let perfect ever come back.

 

[Browser]

Work towards small objectives every day. Always have something to look forward to also. The bane of my diet existence is sweets, so any day that I dont eat any is a victory, and when I dont eat for 3 days in a row and get a sequence going my goal becomes not eating it for a week, and so on.

Theres an erykah badu song that she says "I dont wanna time travel no more, I want to be here" and I try to take that literally. Dont think about how great it is when your lofe is perfect or think about how many times you screwed up in the past. Focus on here, now, every day.

 

[Introvert]

Try the Pomodoro Technique. You're not going to build Rome in a day.

 

[Mr. Keith]

I've been putting off things until tomorrow for about 2 years now. I think the only real answer is to just follow through and don't let yourself put things off anymore.

 

[Deleted member 17643]

Maybe set yourself a more achievable set of goals? Example: keep the caffeine for the moment; go to gym fewer times and for a shorter duration (and build on duration over time); eat healthily but don't starve; and allow yourself one treat a week. Something like that. I think you're trying too much all at once.

Click to shrink...

The caffeine has been a problem for sure, and trying to cut it is definitely making everything else far more difficult. The gym I can't compromise on, since my programming is six days a week and it's really well designed (by my coach).

I have been able to slowly make changes, but it's just... too slow, and I still have this huge part of myself that just gives up for the day. I did lose over 50 pounds and I put on a ton of muscle in the last year and a half. I made really good progress in the gym and found out that weight lifting is possibly my favorite thing to do. I'm actually pretty consistent, but today for example I fucked up the caffeine and food stuff, and now I just don't even want to go.

 

[Deleted member 18944]

Op, get an index card and draw as many boxes on one of the sides as you can. Everyday you commit to a habit, fill in a box with an X. The more you do so, the more motivated you will be to track the habit and keep it up.

 

[AstralTurfWarrior]

There's plenty of research on this. You really should focus on getting one of those as a permanent habit. Do it until it's routine (like a couple of months at least) and only then work on changing another thing.

Even trying to take on two of them at once exponentially increases your chance to fail.

 

[wolfshirt]

Let me explain, any given day if I fuck up at all, that's the end of everything. I'm trying to quit caffeine, go to the gym six days a week, further improve my diet, and cut fast food entirely. If I screw up ONE of those, I'm likely to screw up the rest, with the constant mantra that "tomorrow will be different", or "tomorrow I start fresh and won't fuck it up." I've been like this my entire life and it has been massively detrimental to my well being. I think it has something to do with my diagnosed OCD, as it's almost ritualistic in its nature, but I imagine it's also not that uncommon. The obvious issue is there are no fresh starts in life, so this perfectionism is inherently unsustainable. I'm know this to be true, yet I can't break this near constant thought process.

This permeates nearly every facet of my being and it needs to stop. Is it a simple lack of discipline? Laziness? I honestly can't tell anymore. This system has been built up over so many years that it's almost flawlessly fucked. It's a part of my brain that knows how defeat the other part (the "correct" part) in nearly every way, if that makes sense.

So any advice, stories of overcoming this... anything at all would be greatly appreciated.

Click to shrink...

You have to be able to forgive yourself.

There will be stumbles and and there will setbacks. But if you don't tell yourself: "It's okay, and I will do better tomorrow". You will be stuck in that loop of trying to do everything 'perfectly' or 'flawlessly' and then feeling defeated when you set this unreal standard for yourself.

Make a small change this month, and another one next month. Keep building on that progress and then things will fall into place.

 

[Rendering...]

Yep, I've struggled with this. The answer for me is to make lists. Simple checklists of tasks that move me in the right direction.

The logic behind this is simple: Life is one long sequence of present moments, and you can never accomplish more in the present moment than one small step. Everything you'll ever do, no matter how trivial or grand, is built one step at a time.

So all you have to do if you want to make huge changes is break down your goals into tiny and simple action items, and then follow through one day at a time. That scary insurmountable big-picture high-stakes lifestyle change is none of your business. It just happens by itself after you've been working through your lists for a while.

No more vague wants like "I want to lose 25 pounds." Instead, it's something like:

_ Find two simple / healthy lunch recipes online
_ Walk to the grocery store
_ Buy a week's worth of ingredients for my lunches
_ Walk home
_ Prepare one of the recipes for tomorrow
_ Before bed: write checklist for tomorrow

Break it down as much as you need, even into 10-minute chunks if necessary. I remember a TED Talk by a highly accomplished guy who did exactly that to manage his low attention span.

It helps to make real lists on actual paper, and then actually check off each item when it's complete. And you should always have your list ready to go for the next day so you can't put it off in the morning.

This is just a tool that you can modify to work for you. Maybe you need to attach times or time limits to each item, or maybe you need to use a pomodoro sort of system with built-in breaks or rewards after each thing. Maybe it just feels wrong to force yourself to write real lists, and you'd do better with a list app like Clear or Taasky, or a cloud synced list in OneNote. You know your own preferences and points of resistance well enough to figure it out.

Most importantly: don't worry if you mess up. You either succeed, or you learn. Failure is an ugly word for the chance to do better next time. There's serious power and satisfaction in seeing all the ways something can go wrong. It's how you become a capable person.

 

[turbobrick]

Don't put it off. Start today. Start right now even. Like literally right now. Go the the gym/work out right now.

 

[mxbison]

Just do something every day. You don't have to be one of those uber motivated people with no chill in their lives. Doing a little every day will add up to a lot over time.

 

[voOsh]

Read "Atomic Habits" by James Clear which talks about breaking bad habits by replacing them with positive ones.

A few other random thoughts:

- Focus on the person you want to be and the lifestyle you want to have. Don't frame things as what you are giving up. Quitting caffeine or fast food isn't a very attractive goal because it's taking away something. What are you gaining from quitting caffeine? Focus on that.
- Start thinking about change in terms of compound growth. Try to be 1% better this week than last week, 1% better next week than this week, and so on. It will surprise you how quickly small changes snowball into big results.
- Agree with others that you should work on 1 thing at a time. From my personal experience I'd focus on the gym routine because for some reason my body craves healthier food when I'm regularly working out. Starting off with 6 days is ambitious. How many days did you go last week? Try going 1 or 2 days more than you did last week.

 

[I am a Bird]

do something risky and stupid

 

[Jader7777]

 

[Deleted member 17643]

Starting off with 6 days is ambitious. How many days did you go last week? Try going 1 or 2 days more than you did last week.

Click to shrink...

Thanks for the advice everyone but I want to clarify here that I'm actually already a pretty serious lifter. I'm transitioning from a 4 day a week powerlifting program to a 6 day a week powerbuilding program, and it's only tough because it tends to be a casualty in the "all or nothing" mentality this thread is about. I LOVE the gym... But I get a major roadblock in my head if I fuck up the day. Last week I hit all 6 days, and I'm getting more and more consistent as I adapt to the new programming.

I'm most assuredly going to check out that book.

 

[Illenium]

Like many have said, going cold turkey isn't beneficial. Since you're so used to fast food, your body will weaken the first week and prevent you from going to the gym. Realistically speaking, it takes a lot of stamina and effort to do all the things you listed at once.

So just work on one thing at a time, roughly for a month each, if you slowly feel yourself changing the other things will come with.

Such as, start with the gym. When you're used to that you're gonna lean less towards fast food and that'll touch on with improving your diet, etc etc. good luck

 

[Samuel]

Yep, I've struggled with this. The answer for me is to make lists. Simple checklists of tasks that move me in the right direction.

The logic behind this is simple: Life is one long sequence of present moments, and you can never accomplish more in the present moment than one small step. Everything you'll ever do, no matter how trivial or grand, is built one step at a time.

So all you have to do if you want to make huge changes is break down your goals into tiny and simple action items, and then follow through one day at a time. That scary insurmountable big-picture high-stakes lifestyle change is none of your business. It just happens by itself after you've been working through your lists for a while.

No more vague wants like "I want to lose 25 pounds." Instead, it's something like:

_ Find two simple / healthy lunch recipes online
_ Walk to the grocery store
_ Buy a weeks' worth of ingredients for my lunches
_ Walk home
_ Prepare one of the recipes for tomorrow
_ Before bed: write checklist for tomorrow

Break it down as much as you need, even into 10-minute chunks if necessary. I remember a TED Talk by a highly accomplished guy who did exactly that to manage his low attention span.

It helps to make real lists on actual paper, and then actually check off each item when it's complete. And you should always have your list ready to go for the next day so you can't put it off in the morning.

This is just a tool that you can modify to work for you. Maybe you need to attach times or time limits to each item, or maybe you need to use a pomodoro sort of system with built-in breaks or rewards after each thing. Maybe it just feels wrong to force yourself to write real lists, and you'd do better with a list app like Clear or Taasky, or a cloud synced list in OneNote. You know your own preferences and points of resistance well enough to figure it out.

Most importantly: don't worry if you mess up. You either succeed, or you learn. Failure is an ugly word for the chance to do better next time. There's serious power and satisfaction in seeing all the ways something can go wrong. It's how you become a capable person.

Click to shrink...

This man has the answer. It's how I broke out of the cycle of trying to get my life together. The secret is that planning is just as important as doing.

 

[Muppet of a Man]

Ditch perfect.

Start now.

Don't let perfect ever come back.

Click to shrink...

Perfect is the enemy of good (enough).

 

[Deleted member 15428]

It means you haven't hit rock bottom yet. One day you'll be so fed up with your current way of life that you'll change your habits permanently.

 

[Lashes.541]

You start small, one year ago I stoped drinking soda, that was my start to completely changing my life. After my divorce ten years ago I gave up on life completely, the only time I left the house was to go to my moms. Now I'm down sixty pounds, spend more time out in public than at home and am on the verge of starting a relationship with what I would describe as my dream girl lol. Clearly it has taken way more work than not drinking soda, but after losing thirty pounds it built my confidence enough to step my life up with more small changes and they snowball one after the other. I'm a long way from completely having my shit together as a adult, I have aspergers and am on disability. I'm still super awkward in public and am barely surviving finance wise. But my confidence in my looks, physical fitness and dating life have never been higher. And now I'm seriously considering going to college....at 34🤣

 

[Saint of Killers]

The caffeine has been a problem for sure, and trying to cut it is definitely making everything else far more difficult. The gym I can't compromise on, since my programming is six days a week and it's really well designed (by my coach).

I have been able to slowly make changes, but it's just... too slow, and I still have this huge part of myself that just gives up for the day. I did lose over 50 pounds and I put on a ton of muscle in the last year and a half. I made really good progress in the gym and found out that weight lifting is possibly my favorite thing to do. I'm actually pretty consistent, but today for example I fucked up the caffeine and food stuff, and now I just don't even want to go.

Click to shrink...

Think of all the time we've spent living the way that made us unhappy, that made you want to change. We can't cheat that. That's the price we have to pay and the more excuses we make the slower that progress will be.

DO SOME TYPE OF WORKOUT TODAY. Find a YouTube workout where they do the whole routine and do it at home.

That change you want to make is in you. You just have to do it.

 

[TrueSloth]

I feel like we've been conditioned by movies and feel good stories that change happens fast. It doesn't. It takes time and doing it can be really fucking boring, but it'll be worth it in the long run and you'll be happy you did it.

 

[Kay]

What ever you want to do do it on the day

I always wanted to lose weight but Mondays would come and go. I started strict eating on like a Thursday or something and lost 40 lbs over the next year.

 

[refusi0n1]

Start small, take it one day at a time. The smallest of victories begin to snowball. It can be very difficult so be compassionate to yourself but hold yourself accountable.

 

[ItchyTasty]

Maybe try to make your goals more achievable? SMART goals is a good technique to use or maybe a habit tracking app?

 

[MidweekCoyote]

I have your problem, but I have it periodically. As in, I will have LONG periods of being unproductive and procrastinating (on life and health alike), but then I will do months of just living "perfectly" to my own standards.

I can't explain WHY, but I have a distinct moment of clarity where I go Mass Effect Reaper style with myself ("ASSUMING DIRECT CONTROL") and I don't give fleeting desires or emotion a centimeter. I fully take control of my body and my actions and do what I'm supposed to (or that I know will benefit me in the long term), regardless of how of how I emotionally resist it. The surge of confidence when you realize you can "just do it" Nike style is something I wish upon everyone. My mystery is how to keep that going PERPETUALLY, because I tend to fall to a slump just as easily.

 

[fulltimepanda]

Take a step back and realise this shit takes time. Look into how to build habits.

The more you try to change in one go, the more worn out you will feel because it's going to be a large amount of effort and willpower. Everyone has that effort in them but willpower is something that needs to be trained. And while you may feel motivated to turn everything upside down, if willpower isn't practiced that motivation will drain quickly and you'll find yourself in the same loop as before.

Start small, like say making your bed every morning. Then move up to something like cleaning something up around the house for 5 minutes a a day. Then dedicate yourself to doing something else for 10 minutes a day and so on. Learn how to build those habits, exercise that willpower and you will get there but it takes time and work. Understand that it isn't going to come tomorrow.

 

[Flaurehn]

The caffeine has been a problem for sure, and trying to cut it is definitely making everything else far more difficult. The gym I can't compromise on, since my programming is six days a week and it's really well designed (by my coach).

I have been able to slowly make changes, but it's just... too slow

Click to shrink...

I was like you, and I learned the hard way that too slow is WAY faster than starting over and over again because you can't handle changing everything at once

 

[Wackamole]

Perfect for what or for who? It's great to try and improve. But it's also great to enjoy what life has to offer.
I can relate though. I'm not the best in meeting my own expectations for myself.

 

[MrKlaw]

I was like you, and I learned the hard way that too slow is WAY faster than starting over and over again because you can't handle changing everything at once

Click to shrink...

This. You say 'way too slow' but I read 'lost 50lbs, built a ton of muscle, love lifting, regularly doing 4 days a week and moving up to 6'. Thats already amazing and more than most people do.

Diet/caffiene can follow. Diet is difficult as if you're lifting/exercising a lot you'll need calories and protein so maybe junk food is satiating a craving you're missing elsewhere? And cooking fresh may be difficult to accommodate if you're spending a lot of free time in the gym. But I'd start with cutting down but not cutting out. Allowing a cheat day or the occasional weak moment to be allowed in your overall plan - its not failure, its just a hiccup.

With Caffiene keep the morning caffiene and start to cut down the later doses - if you replace drinks with caffiene free versions so your body is stil getting the habit of the drinks, it'll be less jarring to transition. Maybe dropping completely will be difficult or take a long time - not the end of the world really if you need a little in the mornings if you're otherwise eating healthily and are fit - big picture.

 

[Static]

The best time to start was yesterday. The second best time is today. Start making positive changes today. Set goals that are real, concrete, measurable, and possible. Make plans to attain them. Don't be discouraged by setbacks. Setbacks happen. Do not let them shut you down. Take your bearings, adjust your plans, and move forward. Your time is your most valuable asset. Start using it. Stop hoping for a perfect life and start building a better one.

 

[Alienous]

I think it's worth limiting what you're going to change. So I would start by looking at your long-term goals, then try to represent them in a realistic weekly schedule.

Then you're trying to change your current schedule to that one, one brick at a time (like, 'For the next two weeks I'll try to get 6:30-7:00 changed').

You're going to have the pull to retreat to what's comfortable, so the goal is to slowly expand what you find comfortable. It's a 'slow and steady wins the race' situation, and going faster doesn't mean you'll reach the end sooner, as tripping over your own feet and being discouraged is a factor to consider.

 

[Deleted member 17643]

This. You say 'way too slow' but I read 'lost 50lbs, built a ton of muscle, love lifting, regularly doing 4 days a week and moving up to 6'. Thats already amazing and more than most people do.

Diet/caffiene can follow. Diet is difficult as if you're lifting/exercising a lot you'll need calories and protein so maybe junk food is satiating a craving you're missing elsewhere? And cooking fresh may be difficult to accommodate if you're spending a lot of free time in the gym. But I'd start with cutting down but not cutting out. Allowing a cheat day or the occasional weak moment to be allowed in your overall plan - its not failure, its just a hiccup.

With Caffiene keep the morning caffiene and start to cut down the later doses - if you replace drinks with caffiene free versions so your body is stil getting the habit of the drinks, it'll be less jarring to transition. Maybe dropping completely will be difficult or take a long time - not the end of the world really if you need a little in the mornings if you're otherwise eating healthily and are fit - big picture.

Click to shrink...

Yeah you guys might be right that I'm not giving myself enough credit. I have made enormous changes to my lifestyle in the past year and a half. I was 280 pounds and completely sedentary... I almost fainted the first time I went to my gym. I need to keep reminding myself that I already made massive changes and that they took a lot of time and were a slow build up.

I also think like many said I need to focus a bit more on a couple changes. Maybe I'll keep some caffeine intake as I get used to my new 6 day a week program, because honestly without at least 200mg a day I feel like complete garbage.

Foodwise I have an In-n-Out within walking distance of my house that I utilize far too often. If I could cut that entirely and not worry too much about changing the entire diet that would be a massive step forward.

 

[Jokab]

Get this book. It's really wordy but it changed my way of thinking about a lot of things

 

[XaviConcept]

In a large way, its stress management.

Youll think about one way to fix yourself, then another, then next thing you know you cant wven start until youve read 5 books on economics, do 300 pushups a day, book a dentist appointment and finally get your license. Its too much.

Instead you have to embrace the small goals, the things you can do right now. If you think about the macro too much it becomes impossible, but if you break it to small simple tasks like learn ONE kanji today or do TEN pushups or sketch for just 15 minutes then youll start getting out of the cycle.

 

[Raonak]

realise you are already in your perfect existence?

 

[fleet]

see a psychologist
ignore internet advice

 

[Lentic]

Realize that accomplishing things is the product of your mindset rather than something you do. Change the "I'll do it later" mindset into "I'm going to stick to this routine that will produce results"

 

[Darkstorne]

Yeah you guys might be right that I'm not giving myself enough credit. I have made enormous changes to my lifestyle in the past year and a half. I was 280 pounds and completely sedentary... I almost fainted the first time I went to my gym. I need to keep reminding myself that I already made massive changes and that they took a lot of time and were a slow build up.

I also think like many said I need to focus a bit more on a couple changes. Maybe I'll keep some caffeine intake as I get used to my new 6 day a week program, because honestly without at least 200mg a day I feel like complete garbage.

Foodwise I have an In-n-Out within walking distance of my house that I utilize far too often. If I could cut that entirely and not worry too much about changing the entire diet that would be a massive step forward.

Click to shrink...

Yep! You're already doing great. Everyone has days where they feel shitty - that's just how emotions work. And when it comes to that feeling of "I don't think I want to go out right now" some of the best advice I ever heard was:

"You don't get in a party mood to go to a party. You go to a party to get into a party mood."

Applies to pretty much everything that requires a mindset, including gym attendance =)

 

[Deleted member 19218]

I remember when I was in my 20s I just cut out a poster from a Playboy magazine and taped it to a wall infront of a rowing machine. I then said to myself, the only way I am ever going to get a hot girl like that is to work out. I never tired staring at that body and even in my 30s I got a six pack.

Worked for me.