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Does anyone have someone in their life who just becomes a horrible, miserable person whenever anything negative happens to them?

SolVanderlyn

SolVanderlyn

I love pineapple on pizza!
Member
Oct 28, 2017
13,500
Earth, 21st Century
I won't say who it is, but I've had to deal with someone like this for a long time and it's really, really wearing on me.

In fair weather, they are extremely nice and considerate. However, when anything goes wrong, or they have to do something they don't want to do, they completely transform into a miserable human being. They start lashing out at everyone. The tiniest thing immediately becomes a grievous sin. You put your shoes away the wrong way, you turned the air conditioner on too cold, you didn't feed the cats right on time, etc. It's really obvious that the actual complaints are not the real issue; this person is looking for ways to lash out and blame other people for their misery. There's a huge victim complex at play here and lots of gaslighting going on to make other people feel bad.

It drives me insane and I'm not sure how to deal with it. It's not like this is a horrible person at heart, because they really do care and do a lot around the house and do have legitimate problems. So I can't just say "you're toxic" and cut them out. But whenever they transform into this Mr. Hyde persona they are basically emotionally abusing everyone else. If they feel bad, everyone else will sure as hell feel bad too. And any attempt to reason with them or offer to help immediately gets sucked into a black hole of despair, and even turned into a tool to accuse them of something, or blame them for their own misery.

Anyone ever deal with anyone like this? I'm not sure this is even an appropriate topic for this forum, but any insight or stories of shared experiences would be welcome.
 
shnurgleton

shnurgleton

Member
Oct 27, 2017
15,864
Boston
Yes. Some people are really susceptible to moods and lack self awareness, and they can sap the energy from you. It's good for them to have somebody in their life who they can trust and can check them on their bullshit. It's a learning process for them and it sucks
 

Deleted member 8752

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SolVanderlyn said:
It drives me insane and I'm not sure how to deal with it. It's not like this is a horrible person at heart, because they really do care and do a lot around the house and do have legitimate problems. So I can't just say "you're toxic" and cut them out. But whenever they transform into this Mr. Hyde persona they are basically emotionally abusing everyone else. If they feel bad, everyone else will sure as hell feel bad too. And any attempt to reason with them or offer to help immediately gets sucked into a black hole of despair, and even turned into a tool to accuse them of something, or blame them for their own misery.

Anyone ever deal with anyone like this?
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So regarding the bolded underlined part above, you actually can do that. You CAN cut them out. And you should.

I've dealt with this in my own family, and once I decided I wasn't putting up with them anymore, they learned to respect me and no longer behave in such a toxic manner around me.

People will continue to treat you like crap if you let them. So don't let them. Have some self-respect and stop putting up with their toxicity. I put up with some bad behavior for 30 years, then stopped accepting it, and was willing to walk away from the relationship completely. Zero fucks given.

Do not be anyone's punching bag. Their inability to deal with their own problems like a rational person is their own issue, and not your burden to deal with. No one should take it out on you. Ever.
 
lt519

lt519

Member
Oct 25, 2017
8,064
Yes, a lot of people in my family including myself, and I'm an emotional sponge so it heavily affects me. I fall into this trap as well with my wife and I always feel awful about it later too which just becomes a self-feeding cycle of self pity. It can be really hard to snap out of it.

Ultimately the root cause of their unhappiness has to be resolved otherwise your own frustrations with them will boil over too. Solving the root cause isn't always an option though (i.e. maybe they are miserable at work and are stuck there) and if it is a medical condition (bi-polar) they may not always be willing to seek help.
Giving appropriate space helps with my wife and I. If one of us is in a foul mood we don't force interaction or feel like one of us has to snap the other out of it. We just let the moods run their course by creating a little separation and not causing squabbles over inconsequential things. Obviously this doesn't work if the bad moods last for days or weeks on end. But a foul mood because of a bad day at work we just let be. You also have to be on the same page that creating space isn't because you are angry at the other person, it's just because of a bad mood. Basically you can't get upset if the other person asks for some space or time alone.

This also can work to de-escalate things. I've flipped my own moods around within an hour just by being given a little space and not having someone try and make me feel better. There's nothing more annoying than someone trying to placate you with empty "It's ok" or "aww cheer up!" comments that might drive you further into your bad mood. Some people just need to burn off some steam.
 
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Nepenthe

Nepenthe

When the music hits, you feel no pain.
Administrator
Oct 25, 2017
20,676
SolVanderlyn said:
I won't say who it is, but I've had to deal with someone like this for a long time and it's really, really wearing on me.

In fair weather, they are extremely nice and considerate. However, when anything goes wrong, or they have to do something they don't want to do, they completely transform into a miserable human being. They start lashing out at everyone. The tiniest thing immediately becomes a grievous sin. You put your shoes away the wrong way, you turned the air conditioner on too cold, you didn't feed the cats right on time, etc. It's really obvious that the actual complaints are not the real issue; this person is looking for ways to lash out and blame other people for their misery. There's a huge victim complex at play here and lots of gaslighting going on to make other people feel bad.

It drives me insane and I'm not sure how to deal with it. It's not like this is a horrible person at heart, because they really do care and do a lot around the house and do have legitimate problems. So I can't just say "you're toxic" and cut them out. But whenever they transform into this Mr. Hyde persona they are basically emotionally abusing everyone else. If they feel bad, everyone else will sure as hell feel bad too. And any attempt to reason with them or offer to help immediately gets sucked into a black hole of despair, and even turned into a tool to accuse them of something, or blame them for their own misery.

Anyone ever deal with anyone like this? I'm not sure this is even an appropriate topic for this forum, but any insight or stories of shared experiences would be welcome.
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It's like you jumped into my life, OP. All I'm willing to say in public about my situation is that my solution has simply been to prepare to move into my own place. If that's not an option for you, or if you're still in the searching stage like I am, the best I can say with regards to dealing with the personality turns in the moment is to simply tune out the bullshit. Also, lean on your friends, family, and any other support systems. If you can safely leave to hang out with a non-covid friend, take the opportunity.
 
Twonny

Twonny

Member
Dec 12, 2018
925
Yes. I have a few people in my life like this and it is pure misery just trying to deal with them.
 
mhayes86

mhayes86

Member
Oct 27, 2017
5,246
Maryland
My younger brother. He has dealt with a lot of problems over the years, and our dad passing away back in 2010 affected him (and some of my other siblings) pretty hard. He has made a lot of bad decisions, but has also made efforts to turn things around. When something bad happens, it hits him very hard emotionally and can be exhausting being around him. I try to be there for him when I can, and have helped him in some situations.
 
Nox

Nox

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Dec 23, 2017
2,899
Unless they have like BPD , you're fine with cutting them out of your life. The more positive reinforcing you give that behavior , the more its gonna go on.
I understand that you want to be a good friend , but at the end of the day you gotta watch out for yourself or you won't be able to help anyone
 
Mammoth Jones

Mammoth Jones

Member
Oct 25, 2017
12,299
New York
Yes but they never directed their anger outward. Motherfucker is the bravest person I know. Life just keeps kicking em in the ribs and they keep getting back up. But has a profoundly negative outlook.
 

Deleted member 4367

User requested account closure
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Nox said:
Unless they have like BPD , you're fine with cutting them out of your life. The more positive reinforcing you give that behavior , the more its gonna go on.
I understand that you want to be a good friend , but at the end of the day you gotta watch out for yourself or you won't be able to help anyone
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Even if they have BPD you're fine with cutting them out of your life.
 

Deleted member 18360

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Atypical depression presents differently from melancholic depression, in that it has a dynamic or responsive (but limited/compressed) affective range that tends to make the people with it more reactive.
 
YaBish

YaBish

Unshakable Resolve - One Winged Slayer
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Oct 27, 2017
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As someone who found out as an adult that I have ADHD, I always struggled with mood swings and didn't know why. Once I recognized it in myself, I began to recognize it in one of my parents, and it made dealing with those situations much easier.

I'm not saying cut them some slack. I'm saying you should gently suggest they go see a psychiatrist.
 
fracas

fracas

Member
Oct 27, 2017
4,637
My ex was like that!

Also OP that is absolutely toxic behavior and if they are resistant to talking about it with you, then I would suggest seriously considering what good this person brings into your life. You deserve someone that you don't have to walk on eggshells around.
 
John Rabbit

John Rabbit

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Oct 25, 2017
10,094
SolVanderlyn said:
Anyone ever deal with anyone like this? I'm not sure this is even an appropriate topic for this forum, but any insight or stories of shared experiences would be welcome.
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This was me. Still is sometimes but not remotely to the degree it used to be.

It could be a number of things, but for me, it was discovering how deeply and toxically shame-based my entire worldview and behavior model had become. I won't get into it because it's a lot of dots to connect, but connecting the dots between constantly shaming myself for every little thing and the kind of reactions I would have to negative stimulus really changed my life and released me from a metric TON of emotional and mental baggage.

If you want to look into it, search "toxic shame/shaming" and more specifically the work of John Bradshaw.
 
Turbowaffles

Turbowaffles

The Fallen
Oct 25, 2017
1,200
Yes, me. Trying to be better about it but sometimes life just goes the extra mile in kicking the shit out of you and it's hard to overcome with positivity.
 
Hawkster

Hawkster

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Mar 23, 2019
2,626
I'm that person.

It wasnt until last month that my actions of being a miserable and negative person have pushed people away I care about and being removed from their disxord.

And now I feel like am utterly garbage person with no redemption in sight
 
Pau

Pau

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Oct 25, 2017
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My father is (was?) like this. It hasn't happened since I was young, but the way I dealt with it was to literally ignore him and not speak to him for months at a time. The longest of lasted almost a year. Probably not the most adult way to deal with it. We have had a much healthier relationship after I moved out.

Either one of you moving out might not be an option. But if it is, I would say that just because you love someone or think they are a good person does not mean you will automatically have a healthy living arrangement with them. It's okay to still love them and want to live separately.

If that's not a possible or desired solution, I would reiterate what other posters are saying about encouraging them to get therapy or opening an avenue of communication where you can tell them how much their behavior affects you. But do this in moments when they aren't feeling like this. Instead, try to have those conversations when they are at their "best" and willing to listen.
 
Strangelove_77

Strangelove_77

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It's probably me. I don't keep in touch with any of my family. Or they don't keep in touch with me. Can't blame them.
 
Isilia

Isilia

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Mar 11, 2019
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My brother is this. He is also my caretaker. I was thinking about replacing him, but I'm afraid he will take it horribly.

Some of these posts may have made me reconsider, but since he takes things hyper personally, its hard to do any encouragement or suggestions
 
Evoker

Evoker

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Oct 25, 2017
987
Chiming in to say that my ex was like that as well.

The difficulty is that I always felt like I was walking on eggshells and I felt like I was expected to just be an emotional punching bag whenever she was stressed, which was very frequent.

Unfortunately, resentment built up within me because we couldn't be a team. We got to the point that we saw the worst in each other and assumed that we had bad intentions for our actions when trying to discuss how to solve problems.

We went to counseling for a few months, but eventually she was unwilling to address our issues and refused to go back to counseling with me. At that point, I felt like I couldn't help someone who was unwilling to even consider getting the help herself.

This was my first serious relationship, so I made plenty of mistakes. I stopped communicating with her and stopped emotionally relying on her. Looking back, in counselling, I made it a rant session about her and I didn't make it a safe place.

It was a learning experience. We just recently separated. And I still really care about her. I will say though that I've been way happier being out of our toxic relationship and been focusing on getting into some of my hobbies I haven't been able to get into for a long time.
 
Threadkular

Threadkular

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Dec 29, 2017
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So I believe I have this in me (one of the elements of hypersensitivity) and I've read some beliefs that this can stem from things like childhood neglect or abandonment which is something I relate to. For me it can be a plea to be listened to which I often feel like I didn't get.

It doesn't excuse it, but just a flip side to look at how a generally "negative" behavior pattern might come about in a person. Like others said the key is for the person to stop their pattern, but that takes willingness from the person.

Edit: omg just saw SolVanderlyn is the OP. You never know, but this person could have the same problem you and I do from the other thread I know you from. "We are a sensitive bunch". We do tend to attract others of our kind.

Edit2: the other advice I'm always told to consider is that "maybe the problem is me" when I think someone else is "acting wrong/badly".
 
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SolVanderlyn

SolVanderlyn

I love pineapple on pizza!
Member
Oct 28, 2017
13,500
Earth, 21st Century
Nepenthe said:
It's like you jumped into my life, OP. All I'm willing to say in public about my situation is that my solution has simply been to prepare to move into my own place. If that's not an option for you, or if you're still in the searching stage like I am, the best I can say with regards to dealing with the personality turns in the moment is to simply tune out the bullshit. Also, lean on your friends, family, and any other support systems. If you can safely leave to hang out with a non-covid friend, take the opportunity.
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This sounds like my exact situation. I guess tuning it out and going to others is all I can do for now.
Threadkular said:
So I believe I have this in me (one of the elements of hypersensitivity) and I've read some beliefs that this can stem from things like childhood neglect or abandonment which is something I relate to. For me it can be a plea to be listened to which I often feel like I didn't get.

It doesn't excuse it, but just a flip side to look at how a generally "negative" behavior pattern might come about in a person. Like others said the key is for the person to stop their pattern, but that takes willingness from the person.

Edit: omg just saw SolVanderlyn is the OP. You never know, but this person could have the same problem you and I do from the other thread I know you from. "We are a sensitive bunch". We do tend to attract others of our kind.

Edit2: the other advice I'm always told to consider is that "maybe the problem is me" when I think someone else is "acting wrong/badly".
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This person has all sorts of problems, I'm not sure it's that one though.

Sometimes the problem partially stems from me or someone else around the house, like maybe someone did forget to turn on the dishwasher or take out the garbage or something, but it's always blown up way, waaayyy beyond how small of a problem it really is. I think it's depression or some other mental illness, but it doesn't excuse lashing out at everyone else. I don't even get the worst of it - someone else in my house always becomes the primary target and I really feel for them.
 
Wrexis

Wrexis

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Nov 4, 2017
21,229
Depression and anxiety can cause this.

Anxiety can lead to controlling behavior so if the slightest thing changes in a person's bubble they'll explode.
 
Mindfreak191

Mindfreak191

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Dec 2, 2017
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Troast

Troast

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Oct 31, 2017
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I did have someone like this I knew, but like many have said - cut them off. Also if you fit this description, get help.
 
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