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Death of my brother

wisdom0wl

wisdom0wl

Avenger
Oct 26, 2017
7,861
I don't really know the purpose of this thread but I just need a place to vent. Gonna be kinda long.

My dad found my brother dead this morning. He was 41. He moved back in with my parents a couple of years ago after he got divorced, had a stroke, and then was diagnosed with chronic kidney disease. He was also diabetic. I was getting their groceries when I found out. Dropped everything to get to them. Saw the ambulance and I don't think I'll ever get my mom's pleas for my brother's life out of my head.

We all got covid the Sunday of the week of Thanksgiving. My brother was hit the hardest and ended up going to the hospital because he couldn't hold anything down. He lost a lot of weight. We ended up quarantining together until this past Saturday when all of our symptoms were gone (we were better by the middle of last week tho). He was doing fine and gaining some weight back, and then today he's gone.

I spent most of the day consoling my family, now I'm back in my apartment and I can't stop crying. I thought I was dealing with it reasonably during the day but I can't help but have this overwhelming feeling of guilt that I might have given my family covid. I've been getting their groceries since April (for the most part, sometimes my parents insist they need to go get some ingredients at their fav Asian market). But outside of that and their morning dog walks, they haven't seen anyone else but me. We've been masked up from the beginning but I still feel like this is on me and it's impossible for me to get out words so I wanted to write. My brother and I were born 18 years apart, but he was still the best older brother and I never felt like our sibling relationship was different because of our age.

For anyone that went through something like this or lost a sibling, does it get better? I feel like a part of me got ripped out completely out of nowhere. How do you cope? Sadness and guilt are all I can really feel now.
 
Christian

Christian

Member
Oct 25, 2017
9,636
I'm really sorry for your loss. That's just an awful situation, for parents to find their dead child like that. I can't really offer any advice, because I've never had anything like that happen to me, but I'll keep you and your family in my thoughts.
 
.Detective.

.Detective.

Member
Oct 27, 2017
9,661
We as a community here on ERA are very sorry for your loss, OP. That was heartbreaking to read, so I cannot even begin to describe what you must be feeling.

We are here for you, though. And the purpose of this thread can be whatever you want it to be, just let it all out, and we will be there.

RIP to your brother.
 
Wyndstryker

Wyndstryker

Member
Oct 25, 2017
1,237
Sorry for your loss. Overcoming the grief can be difficult and it's different for everyone. You and your family need to be with each other.
 
Tace

Tace

Avenger
Nov 1, 2017
35,472
The Rapscallion
My condolences OP. I'm very close with my brother and I couldn't imagine what I would do in that situation. I'm so sorry man, I couldn't imagine the hurt you're going through. Just try to think of all the good memories of your brother
 
Jedi2016

Jedi2016

Member
Oct 27, 2017
15,623
wisdom0wl said:
For anyone that went through something like this or lost a sibling, does it get better? I feel like a part of me got ripped out completely out of nowhere. How do you cope? Sadness and guilt are all I can really feel now.
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It will get better with time, but the pain of losing someone never really goes away. I'm very sorry for your loss.
 

JackDT

Member
Oct 27, 2017
1,123
I'm sorry for your loss. It doesn't get better exactly, but it does become more bearable with time.

You were getting groceries to protect your family. By taking those actions you were lowering their risk, not increasing it, you were taking the risks for them. This is not something to feel guilty about it, bad things happen, RNG sucks.
 
MrRob

MrRob

Banned
Oct 26, 2017
6,671
Very sorry to hear. Tomorrow is the 4th anniversary of my brother dying of a heart attack alone in his garage.
Fucking sucks.
 
Jakenbakin

Jakenbakin

Member
Jun 17, 2018
11,801
I'm sorry for your loss. While everything is numbed with time grief can creep back on you time and time again, and while it's impossible to remember in the moment you should remember that there's nothing wrong with the way you feel at any moment, and it's okay to be mad and upset and everything in between.

I belong to a widowers subreddit community but I imagine there's a general grief one if you want to ask for any advice or help, or just to read how others deal with grief. It... helps somewhat, for me at least.
 
MrRob

MrRob

Banned
Oct 26, 2017
6,671
wisdom0wl said:
For anyone that went through something like this or lost a sibling, does it get better? I feel like a part of me got ripped out completely out of nowhere. How do you cope? Sadness and guilt are all I can really feel now.
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Click to shrink...

Didn't see this part. No it doesn't. Or hasn't for me. He was my best friend and I still find myself thinking "Damn, gotta tell bro about this or that." ... then it hits me all over again.
 
samyy

samyy

Member
Oct 25, 2017
430
Its not your fault OP, you were doing everything you could to protect your family. I'm so so sorry.
 
Matsukaze

Matsukaze

Member
Oct 25, 2017
4,232
My condolences to you and your family, OP. I'm sorry for your loss. I will keep you in my thoughts.
 
samoscratch

samoscratch

Member
Nov 25, 2017
2,838
I'm Sorry, it does get better but it takes time.
I lost my older sister in 2001 and you learn to accept it as the years go on, the pain will lessen, but right now it's gonna feel really raw for quite some time.
I had to deliver the news to my mother so I know the pain of watching a parent suffer in that way, which can be very haunting.
Keep your brother's memory alive (as I'm sure you will), and don't beat yourself up, we all feel guilty during these moments and it's normal but don't linger on that, you sound like you are a good person and you're going through enough.
Stay busy but take time to process your feelings, it's perfectly understandable to feel depressed and empty during this time but try not to be in your head at all times either (Easier said than done I know)
I wish you the best OP, I recommend you reach out when it gets too difficult and emotional to handle.
 
ArkhamFantasy

ArkhamFantasy

Member
Oct 25, 2017
13,545
Im sorry to hear about your loss OP.

When i lost my mom unexpectedly it took about 3 days for me to eat anything, about a week to be in a state where i could go back to work, every day after that it gets a little bit easier and you heal a little bit more.
 
OP
OP
wisdom0wl

wisdom0wl

Avenger
Oct 26, 2017
7,861
I got him a PS5 for Christmas and it's underneath the tree right now.

I don't think I'm ever gonna open that box.

This pain is unbearable. Thanks everyone for your words.
 
Cyanity

Cyanity

Member
Oct 25, 2017
9,345
I'm so sorry OP. I can't even imagine the pain of losing a sibling, no matter the age gap or circumstances.
 
Rag

Rag

Member
Oct 30, 2017
3,874
I found my brother naked and dead on the floor of his bedroom this last January. He was going to be 40 in March. I've got a whole host of thoughts I'll be willing to share. I'm right in the middle of cooking dinner, so bare with me. I'll probably have a lot more to say as the night goes.

It was the worst day of my life. I had to break into his apartment after he didn't show up to work. It took me a half hour to get into his apartment, and I was going out of my mind with worry the whole time. I don't know why I'm torturing myself by going back down that memory hole, but it's never too far from my mind. I hope to fuck that I never experience anything like it ever again, even if it means I don't outlive my loved ones. I was so relieved when I got into his bedroom and he wasn't in bed, and then I saw his legs, and my whole world fell apart. I got down and tried to slap him awake like he was asleep, even though I knew he was dead.

It didn't get easier after that. I had to call 911 and figure out where in the fuck my brother's apartment was because I just knew how to drive there and didn't know the address. Then I had to call me mom and rip her heart out. My dad had been driving to the apartment as well, but I got there an hour before he did. I had to sit on the sidewalk and just cry my eyes out while waiting for the police and the firemen to come. The sirens take forever when you're the one waiting for them to show up. My dad got there, and we just hugged each other and cried. I didn't have to tell him because my face said everything.

There are hard days ahead for you. The empty words I've had to listen to from well meaning strangers at his funeral weren't any comfort. I also have had to put in a lot of work coming to grips with how much I love my brother, but how much I hated him too. There's no way to get closure on any of that. The grief gets easier, but every time I think I have it conquered, it comes back hard. I've needed him so badly the last couple of days and there's just no fix for that.

I don't know if any of this is helpful, but I genuinely am here for you if you have any questions, or if you just want to scream into the void and know someone is listening.
 
Draconis

Draconis

Member
Oct 28, 2017
568
I am so very sorry for your loss. I wish I could say more to help, but pain of this level is difficult to deal with. And takes time.

The best way I have dealt with this, having lost far more loved ones in my life than I care to, is to actually cry and let your emotions out. Do not bottle them up. Talk with friends about it, if you have a support network of friends, use them.

Vent. Cry. Rage. Wail and let out that pain. And when you feel you have done so to the point where you are just a bit better, distract yourself in whatever healthy ways you can.

Game, watch movies, talk with friends or play games with them. Do whatever you can to redirect and focus your mind elsewhere so it helps dull the pain. Even if just a little.

Over time, the distractions help, and it allows you time to cope and deal with your emotions over a period of time that you control, instead of your emotions consuming you.

It's hard. It's going to be hard, and extremely difficult. But remember your brother and celebrate him as best as you can. You were clearly blessed with an awesome person in your life. Hold onto that gift, and all of the love and memories he gave you. Use that, as painful as it will be, to remember and love him, and help get you through these difficult times.

Blessings be upon you and yours. Please be well as you can be, and hold onto everything good you two had, and will always have.
 
echoshifting

echoshifting

very salt heavy
The Fallen
Oct 25, 2017
14,699
The Negative Zone
wisdom0wl said:
I got him a PS5 for Christmas and it's underneath the tree right now.

I don't think I'm ever gonna open that box.

This pain is unbearable. Thanks everyone for your words.
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If I were you, I would sell it and donate the money to a cause that would be dear to his heart.

Sorry for your loss. Your op is devastating to read. It's not your fault. As someone else said, you were protecting them by minimizing their risk.
 
CountAntonio

CountAntonio

Member
Oct 25, 2017
21,704
Don't put that burden on your shoulders. It was not your fault. When people die there is always a lot of "what ifs" but all they really do is add guilt to something that is already very painful. Don't go down that road. My condolences.
 
OP
OP
wisdom0wl

wisdom0wl

Avenger
Oct 26, 2017
7,861
Rag said:
I was so relieved when I got into his bedroom and he wasn't in bed, and then I saw his legs, and my whole world fell apart. I got down and tried to slap him awake like he was asleep, even though I knew he was dead.
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This is what's fucking with me. I could've never imagined seeing him on the ground cold. I was just talking to him yesterday. He was fine. He tested negative after going through covid. I thought we were done with it. And then poof. I tried to shake him up when I saw him like my brain couldn't accept it.
 
Rag

Rag

Member
Oct 30, 2017
3,874
CountAntonius said:
Don't put that burden on your shoulders. It was not your fault. Sorry for your loss.
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As someone who likes to inflict a lot of guilt on himself, I agree wholeheartedly. Nothing good can come from replaying this in your head to see if you could have done something differently.

I've had a friend die of cancer at 28, another friend shot himself in the face on a beach hundreds of miles away, and my brother died of a heart attack. I've found ways to blame myself for all three of those deaths, and maybe that's part of the grieving process, but it just isn't true.
 
Rag

Rag

Member
Oct 30, 2017
3,874
wisdom0wl said:
This is what's fucking with me. I could've never imagined seeing him on the ground cold. I was just talking to him yesterday. He was fine. He tested negative after going through covid. I thought we were done with it. And then poof. I tried to shake him up when I saw him like my brain couldn't accept it.
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I will say that the shock and trauma of finding him, and seeing him dead subsided much faster than the actual grief itself.

The sort of phantom limb of your brother will be in your head for a long long time. I still want to text him or call him every now and then, and I'll start down that road like a person trying a light switch even though I know the power is out.

The best advice I can give is to treat your grief like a cork bobbing on water. You can shove it down, but it'll bob up to the surface, and you never really know when. That's ok. Try to dive deep into happy memories if you can't get it out of your head. There's also nothing wrong with distracting yourself. The night after I found him, I put on It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia and would just pause it when the waves of grief came in. There's no shame in enjoying those distractions. It's a part of how you move forward.
 
Dice

Dice

Member
Oct 25, 2017
22,240
Canada
How heartbreaking.... I'm so sorry wisdom0wl , my thoughts are with you through such troubled times. You all sound like you were loving, and it's beautiful you tried to keep it together and are willing to do so much for your family. I have no words, but time heals...but it can take a while. We hurt deep only when we love deeply, it's so cruel but I hope you can find a way to remember the good. This awful sickness has ravaged so many people, you are not alone.
 
Dyno

Dyno

The Fallen
Oct 25, 2017
13,256
Whilst I cant say I've lost a brother as I've not had one to lose, I think I've got close enough. My best friend who I grew up with since the age of 5 was killed at war when I was 21. Its surreal, its going to hurt for a long time and you may even have weird shit like lucid dreams that they survived for a while after, but time will eventually heal. You'll never forget, because who would want to, and it'll never really not hurt, but time will make it easier.

Its hard to really explain tbh. The pain won't necessarily become easier as most say IMO, you adapt, you're accustomed to the unfortunate reality in time. You'll still dwell on it if you push yourself into it even after a very long time and you can feel that original pain in full force, and maybe that's a good thing, it shows the mark they really left on your life cant truly be forgotten. You just learn to deal with it better day by day. Pushing yourself that deep into reminiscing that it hurts becomes an option in time.

And I'm very sorry for your loss OP
 

Deleted member 4494

Banned
Oct 25, 2017
4,798
It's not your fault, and to make it clear I'll actually tell you whose fault it is: we live in a country where the value of human life has a number -- and that number is very small. It's far smaller than you or anyone else would wager to guess, and it's decided by people who will never know you or care about you or anyone else you know. Your brother's life, as so many others have been, were in their hands -- he was factored to in to an expectation by heartless capitalist monsters who have done everything they possibly could to kill him while simultaneously placing the pieces they broke in your hands while they point the finger. You had none of the tools you needed to make it work and were, as so many have been, asked to make an impossible decision: persist in the face of a danger that could have been mitigated. Not by you or anyone you know, but by these people who decided what the number would be. Some of them are republicans. Some of them are democrats. But rest assured, all of them are motherfuckers and almost certainly deserve the wall.

Every day will be easier than the last, but you'll never forget. And I hope you don't, because down the road, the people who are responsible for the hundreds of thousands dead at this point need to account.
 
The Wraith

The Wraith

Member
Oct 27, 2017
1,083
Dude I'm so sorry. Just try to remember all the good times you had with him and keep him alive in your memories. I know it's an incredibly tough time for you, try to do things to keep yourself from going crazy. Again my condolences and may be Rest In Peace.
 
Slathe

Slathe

Member
Oct 30, 2017
151
Sorry for your loss, OP. You're not alone.

To answer your question, I lost my 41 year old brother earlier this year. I will never really know what happened, but he had battled subtance abuse and mental health issues his whole life. He had been clean for about four years, but once the pandemic hit he lost good access to health care and counseling. He got covid, I think at the grocery store. He said he was coughing up blood. Then, one day I learned he overdosed and died. I don't know what role COVID played directly, maybe it made his body unable to deal with the effects of the overdose before help could arrive. But I do know that the pandemic and the lack of help for people like him was a major factor in what happened to him.

It's been about seven months and I still think about him every day. It's natural to blame yourself, even if you know you shouldn't. I was supposed to call him the night he overdosed, about two hours before it happened, and didn't for no good reason other than not wanting to deal with him as he could be very difficult and had been very difficult that whole week (our father was in the hospital, which was very stressful, and my brother kept getting into big fights with his girlfriend and calling me and my mother about it). I wonder every day if calling him, or just doing more for him generally because I could have afforded to, would have saved his life.

I also had to call my mom and tell her, as the police called me. Like you, I feel like I'll never get her pain out of my head.

I'm sure none of that is helpful, and I don't mean to insert my tragedy into your thread But maybe knowing you're not alone will help. Whether it does or not, please take care of yourself as best you can, because it may be a long time before it gets any easier. And really that's all you can do.
 
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