Look, I am not necessarily looking for advice or anything, but I thought I'd share my recent — and first — experiences dating that all started for me on New Years. I don't even think anyone will stop and read this.
So let me get something out of the way first: I'm not necessarily a whippersnapper. I'm 30 this year going on 31, grew up in a household with parents that hated eachother, where yelling matches (loud enough to get the cops called on our residence constantly as I grew up) and actual domestic violence was at least a weekly affair. I grew up wishing my parents would get divorced so that shit would stop, and it made me lean very, very, very hard into cynicism when it came to romance.
But I wasn't entirely cold on romance. I've bought into the emotional gratification of the media's portrayal of romance, sometimes even troubled romantic relationship — I admire the human connection that seems to be portrayed in many of those successful media romances, even if there's a struggle and an effort to maintain or grow it. I've spent all but the last month of my adult life alone, giving more into my cynicism than that spark of human longing for love. I get the feeling I'm not really alone in that regard.
I got lucky, though, Era. I went to a New Years party being hosted by some of my closest friends, and I met a lady there. Right away, first contact, zero awkwardness between us and topic after topic we discussed, we found we had similar views and interests — I could almost mistake it for love at first sight, minus any fanfare. We're both kind of in the same boat when it comes to our cynicism, but sort of hiding away a longing for a connection, and we both mutually believe we've grown socially awkward and intimately shy for it. So far, we've bonded mostly over romantic stories in film and TV shows, recommending things to one another over dates that we find personal and endearing, and we're finding that we have very similar hopes and dreams when it comes to a partner — but more on that later. I met this lady at New Years, I had volunteered to act as a designated driver for the party — I knew literally everyone in attendance already except for this lady, so I figured I'd just end up driving a few of my friends home. As it would turn out, she would be the only one that needed a ride home. After a series of mutually interesting conversations we shared at the party, we had warmed up to a personal level of discussion for her 10 minute or so ride home, and it felt clear that I dropped her off on a really positive note. She added me on social media the next morning, immediately began messaging me to sort of pick up where we left off, and then she asked me if I'd like to go to brunch with her the next day. By the third date three weeks later, we had already decided to officially become a couple, and it's been nothing but a few weeks since of us setting up dates, constantly chatting over Messenger when we can't see each other, setting our tempo for intimacy. She's already done amazingly considerate things for me as if she were a lifelong friend, and I have attempted apt reciprocation. I admit, I was pretty set on being a cynical, love-shy loner for the rest of my life, but she asked me out and I couldn't believe it, and it's been a great ride so far. It's still a young romance, it's possible the two of us are completely naive to challenges that lie in wait for our relationship. We have to move slow, both of us aren't used to this, but it feels like we're both eager to see each other, and we've both contributed and acted on each other's suggestions for dates. She and I have even very impulsively just decided to go on several dates already within hours, realizing that we both have free time and a desire to see one another. For a pair of would-be loners, I'd say that feels like a pretty radical change, for me at least.
And Era, I'm a real skrawny and not great-looking dude with bland fashion sense (graphic tee and blue jeans bland), I still have obvious signs of adult acne all over my face (that are finally starting to lessen with age), and obvious male pattern baldness has started to set in as of the last couple of years of my life. So far, I feel like I've never had to do a single thing but be myself, and I try to be a nice and considerate person to everyone I cross paths with. I'm not always successful, and I did have the benefit of meeting her around a bunch of close friends that could vouch for my character and give me a comfortable space to just be myself without misguidedly trying to impress her. She's beautiful, her fashion sense is leagues above my blandness, she's traveled to Japan 4 times and Europe 2 times and I have only ever traveled to New Orleans, Las Vegas, and Disneyland either for work or by the kindness of my friends. I feel like she's leagues above me in terms of the things she's accomplished in her adult life, but she asked me out — and all I had to do was just be myself, and just make an effort to be a good person in the process. All I've had to do to to make her want to see me again for the 10-and-counting dates we've been on since we met a month ago is just be myself. I haven't felt uncomfortable, I haven't felt like I needed to put on a show for her, and I really goddamn hope it continues that way. I see no signs of it stopping up, we just met up for brunch today, visited a specialty grocer in town together and got a bunch of treats that we shared, chatted all day and played Shadow of the Colossus together. And it's all just because of happenstance and because she took the initiative and asked me out to brunch a month ago, I was always just one degree of social separation away from her — she's a mutual friend of one of my closest friends and she's been a part of that mutual friend's life for as long as I've known that friend. I'm not disappointed we didn't meet sooner, I feel like a lot of things happened in my life in the last 5 or so years that forced me to mature greatly — traumatic events, extremely happy events, generally just events that gave me a lot more perspective than I would've had if I had met her at the soonest possible opportunity that our paths could have crossed. This definitely isn't a case of "where was she my entire life up to this point," it's more like a case of "thank god I finally got my shit together just enough to be ready for this when it came around."
I did not see that coming, Era. Just over a month ago, I went to that New Years party with zero resolution to ever give myself over to another person. But then I met this lady that so far just seems to work with me really well, she had the guts to ask me out when I wouldn't have had the guts to do the same, and now I don't feel insecure about how she feels about me in return. We've got dates #11 and 12 already planned out for this weekend and Valentine's Day, respectively, and it's never more than 24 hours after the last time we saw each other that one of us is reaching out and requesting to see the other again.
How the hell did that happen? How is it that it just feels this easy? How am I so goddamn lucky all of a sudden? I'm so excited this is happening, I can hardly even wrap my head around it being real.
Sorry if that was a discombobulated mess of a story, I just wanted to rainbow-vomit this story out to someone with the optimistic glow it's inspiring in me right now, the actual unfiltered good vibes it's giving, without necessarily to an audience that's going to give me an automated "I'm so happy for you" response like you get from close friends and family, especially ones that have had long-term relationships already and been through these paces and probably find this budding romance kind of dull and perhaps even naive.
Man, I'm finally going to give a lady flowers this Valentine's Day. I'm not going to have to get pity "Happy Valentine's Day" wishful thought from friends — don't get me wrong, I always appreciated that but it did kind of carry a sting.
Finally, I'm not completely free of my anxiety that this all ends in a break up, but I am keeping my chin up that even if it does fail, this lady will have been important to me for giving me a chance to see how I stack up in this arena. I'll still be kind of an ugly duckling and have to deal with that difficulty (but I can definitely improve in some realms, like fashion) if I get dumped, but it'll be nice to have known that I actually fucking tried on that spark for romance I've always had, rather than wondering what if for the rest of my life.
That'll be the end of that sleep-deprived, delirious, joyful rant. Maybe prospective daters or struggling daters might be able to glean some usefulness from it... I hope. Maybe some experienced and successful daters can come in and dash all my dreams with reason and logic I'm clearly not understanding at this point in the relationship (please don't, though, please let me have this lol). Maybe it's just too long and not a single person will give a damn, but I had to put it out there. I had so much fun on my 10th date today, it just keeps feeling more and more comfortable and familiar every time I see my partner, literally like she's been a life-long friend that I'm catching up with.
