DatingEra - This isn't like one of your animes

[Pelicano]

I think I'm done dating for a while... took the v-day girl out, and then communication slowed down to a crawl, started wanting to stay home instead of coming out or being busy, and I wasn't sure what to do... haven't heard from her in a week. I hate that this happened.

Click to shrink...

Yeah that sucks. That's why when you're starting out in online dating, you want to stay matching and going on dates. Flaking is extra prevalent in that world, but when you have options and you don't stay hyper focused on one girl, it's not that big of a deal. It sometimes attracts the girl as well.

Stay strong, buddy.

 

[Lumination]

My entire point is just that some of the shit that PUA dudes spew is complete sexist shit, but there are nuggets of wisdom that really do help with confidence / self-improvement, etc. It's up to the person doing the learning not to become a sexist douche.

Click to shrink...

Why do we have to settle for the nugget of wisdom snuggled inside a shit sandwich? Why not... just skip all the shit?

 

[a916]

Yeah that sucks. That's why when you're starting out in online dating, you want to stay matching and going on dates. Flaking is extra prevalent in that world, but when you have options and you don't stay hyper focused on one girl, it's not that big of a deal. It sometimes attracts the girl as well.

Stay strong, buddy.

Click to shrink...

Thanks for the kind words, you're strangers but also you're all very supportive and helpful and I can't thank everyone here enough.

I think the thing that stings the most is that's 2 months of seeing each other, I get that people ghost before the first date or maybe even the 2nd one but jeez... is this how dating really is? I'm just going to do my best by not dwelling on it, accept it, move on and fill my time with some new hobbies or stuff I've been meaning to get to.

 

[Lulu]

It might be or maybe something with the algorithm is only giving you really highly liked profiles. I've never used Hinge in NYC but I've used Tinder multiple times there and I always got the impression that being the big destination city that it is, you tend to see more people who live the high life than usual. At least for me, I saw a bunch of model-looking girls on Tinder there.

Click to shrink...

This is what I think too, seemingly stuck in a void. I'll stick with it for a few weeks and see if it evens out. It used to be better about this.

 

[gimbles123]

I feel like it's bugged or something. I'm bummed about it because I too have met great people off of it. Hinge is also one of the only apps that will ban you for repeatedly deleting your profile. Kind of annoying. I live in NYC and I'm fairly attractive with good success on the other stuff.

Click to shrink...

NYC Adjacent here. I have a similar thing going on. Definitely not some vertical slice of NY, for sure an algorithm bug.

 

[Pelicano]

Why do we have to settle for the nugget of wisdom snuggled inside a shit sandwich? Why not... just skip all the shit?

Click to shrink...

There's not a lot of non-shit alternatives, that don't also sugarcoat stuff or recommend stuff that's not true, but it's the PC thing to say. It's hard to describe what I mean, clearly, lol, but I learned a ton from Todd Valentine (definitely PUA) and Corey Wayne (relationship/mindset-centric).

They both have pleeeeeenty of red flags, but I learned things from both of them that would've otherwise be lost to me or taken me way longer to find. If someone doesn't want to wade through shit, that's a-ok, but I trusted myself enough to be able to tell right from wrong and take the lessons that I felt were useful.

Thanks for the kind words, you're strangers but also you're all very supportive and helpful and I can't thank everyone here enough.

I think the thing that stings the most is that's 2 months of seeing each other, I get that people ghost before the first date or maybe even the 2nd one but jeez... is this how dating really is? I'm just going to do my best by not dwelling on it, accept it, move on and fill my time with some new hobbies or stuff I've been meaning to get to.

Click to shrink...

Anytime, bud. People ghost each other for a variety of different reasons during like the first 6 months of the dating process, sometimes even after that. It's just become an acceptable thing to do. There's different things you can try if you do get ghosted, but they're usually not worth doing especially if the girl ghosted you due to over-texting / neediness, whatever. I would definitely focus on staying on the app, working out, getting hobbies (do improv or something that'll get you out there), and just seeing what happens.

Before I started getting into reading/listening to coaching stuff, which I personally recommend, I was ghosted by a gorgeous girl who I literally had non-stop sex sessions with multiple times a week for like 3-4 weeks. Just disappeared. It happens and while you shouldn't blame yourself (or her, you don't know what she's going through), you should try to analyze if there was anything you could've done differently or examine how you were feeling while dating the girl (nervous, anxious, whatever). For me wanting to understand women and why I would get ghosted is what led me to check out all sorts of material, because having some sort of mentorship is better than none. Sometimes you get ghosted and you'll never know why, just keep living your best life and it'll all work out.

 

[jdstorm]

There's not a lot of non-shit alternatives, that don't also sugarcoat stuff or recommend stuff that's not true, but it's the PC thing to say. It's hard to describe what I mean, clearly, lol, but I learned a ton from Todd Valentine (definitely PUA) and Corey Wayne (relationship/mindset-centric).

They both have pleeeeeenty of red flags, but I learned things from both of them that would've otherwise be lost to me or taken me way longer to find. If someone doesn't want to wade through shit, that's a-ok, but I trusted myself enough to be able to tell right from wrong and take the lessons that I felt were useful.



Anytime, bud. People ghost each other for a variety of different reasons during like the first 6 months of the dating process, sometimes even after that. It's just become an acceptable thing to do. There's different things you can try if you do get ghosted, but they're usually not worth doing especially if the girl ghosted you due to over-texting / neediness, whatever. I would definitely focus on staying on the app, working out, getting hobbies (do improv or something that'll get you out there), and just seeing what happens.

Before I started getting into reading/listening to coaching stuff, which I personally recommend, I was ghosted by a gorgeous girl who I literally had non-stop sex sessions with multiple times a week for like 3-4 weeks. Just disappeared. It happens and while you shouldn't blame yourself (or her, you don't know what she's going through), you should try to analyze if there was anything you could've done differently or examine how you were feeling while dating the girl (nervous, anxious, whatever). For me wanting to understand women and why I would get ghosted is what led me to check out all sorts of material, because having some sort of mentorship is better than none. Sometimes you get ghosted and you'll never know why, just keep living your best life and it'll all work out.

Click to shrink...

See, you're attributing your positive self change and improved confidence to people who don't deserve it. It's like the PUA gave you "michaels secret stuff" from space jam and the placebo of good advice makes you think you owe them for the changes you made.

I get it, I also gained a lot of confidence/self esteem in a very negative environment (organized religion as a teen). It was good for me, it's been harmful for millions. It's something that you just have to accept. We all grow and change for the better in imperfect ways

 

[Pelicano]

See, you're attributing your positive self change and improved confidence to people who don't deserve it. It's like the PUA gave you "michaels secret stuff" from space jam and the placebo of good advice makes you think you owe them for the changes you made.

I get it, I also gained a lot of confidence/self esteem in a very negative environment (organized religion as a teen). It was good for me, it's been harmful for millions. It's something that you just have to accept. We all grow and change for the better in imperfect ways

Click to shrink...

I'm bad at explaining things lol. So yes, the positive self change and confidence ultimately came from me, but was stirred up by listening to Corey Wayne audiobook explaining WHY it was important to take care of yourself first, focus on yourself first, and how you view/think of yourself affects how others view you, including women. Additionally, it helped in seeing how different kinds of men interacted with women during texting, dates, etc.

I needed someone to tell me "this is why overtexting a girl is needy and it devalues you as a person, thus losing any shot of actually keeping the girl". I needed to be told how girls expect a man to escalate/initiate things sexually early on in the courting process and will usually not to do so themselves. I was taught it was OK to just go up to a girl and ask how her day is doing, and that it wasn't this crazy herculean task. Was informed that on the early stages, most girls don't like being told how much you like them / drooling all over them and that you should treat all women the same and not put hot ones on a pedestal. Also a lot more.

It's just small lessons specifically in regards to interactions with girls, that ultimately culminate in self confidence, but that would've taken me forever (or never) to learn otherwise. Just to reiterate, not saying the above are true in all cases, but they can be true in certain phases or scenarios, which is way more info than what I was working with beforehand.

 

[jdstorm]

I'm bad at explaining things lol. So yes, the positive self change and confidence ultimately came from me, but was stirred up by listening to Corey Wayne audiobook explaining WHY it was important to take care of yourself first, focus on yourself first, and how you view/think of yourself affects how others view you, including women. Additionally, it helped in seeing how different kinds of men interacted with women during texting, dates, etc.

I needed someone to tell me "this is why overtexting a girl is needy and it devalues you as a person, thus losing any shot of actually keeping the girl". I needed to be told how girls expect a man to escalate/initiate things sexually early on in the courting process and will usually not to do so themselves. I was taught it was OK to just go up to a girl and ask how her day is doing, and that it wasn't this crazy herculean task. Was informed that on the early stages, most girls don't like being told how much you like them / drooling all over them and that you should treat all women the same and not put hot ones on a pedestal. Also a lot more.

It's just small lessons specifically in regards to interactions with girls, that ultimately culminate in self confidence, but that would've taken me forever (or never) to learn otherwise. Just to reiterate, not saying the above are true in all cases, but they can be true in certain phases or scenarios, which is way more info than what I was working with beforehand.

Click to shrink...

Girls will initiate things if they like you. It's not a "mans" job to initiate. Anyone can initiate you just need to positively respond to the signals they are sending if you aren't initiating since no one wants to be rejected

Most of that other stuff is fine if worded in a shitty way.

Don't be needy/clingy, be assertive if you want something, have self respect and treat all people with kindness are good things to live by.

 

[Pelicano]

Girls will initiate things if they like you. It's not a "mans" job to initiate. Anyone can initiate you just need to positively respond to the signals they are sending if you aren't initiating since no one wants to be rejected

Most of that other stuff is fine if worded in a shitty way.

Don't be needy/clingy, be assertive if you want something, have self respect and treat all people with kindness are good things to live by.

Click to shrink...

I mostly agree. I'm just saying that I'm willing to listen to alternatives on who to recommend in regards to coaching, since I was just completely clueless about all the stuff we just mentioned.

It's cool that you were already aware / figured it out, but I had no clue as to what I was doing with girls and most scenarios in which I got with a girl was essentially sheer luck. What I learned from those dudes in regards on how to think about myself and how to interact with women I will carry with me for the rest of my life. That's why I'm so adamant on ignoring "the risks". I'm literally a completely different person and for the better after listening to coaching stuff, even if the dudes are a bunch of douches.

 

[jdstorm]

I mostly agree. I'm just saying that I'm willing to listen to alternatives on who to recommend in regards to coaching, since I was just completely clueless about all the stuff we just mentioned.

It's cool that you were already aware / figured it out, but I had no clue as to what I was doing with girls and most scenarios in which I got with a girl was essentially sheer luck. What I learned from those dudes in regards on how to think about myself and how to interact with women I will carry with me for the rest of my life. That's why I'm so adamant on ignoring "the risks". I'm literally a completely different person and for the better after listening to coaching stuff, even if the dudes are a bunch of douches.

Click to shrink...

I definitely hadn't figured things out and every date I've ever gotten has mostly involved her initiatiating things and managing to realise I'm a bit clueless.

In hindsight there were quite a few missed opportunities where I completely missed all the signals.

 

[shoptroll]

I was ghosted by a gorgeous girl who I literally had non-stop sex sessions with multiple times a week for like 3-4 weeks. Just disappeared.

Click to shrink...

Not to derail, and I know you're trying to put a good spin on the PUA stuff, but statements like this read incredibly misogynistic and toxic to me. You were seeing someone for almost a month and the only adjective you have to describe them is "gorgeous" and you're bragging about the amount of sex you were having with them during that time? Maybe I'm missing something here but it might be worth re-evaluating how much some of your sources are influencing you.

 

[Pelicano]

Not to derail, and I know you're trying to put a good spin on the PUA stuff, but statements like this read incredibly misogynistic and toxic to me. You were seeing someone for almost a month and the only adjective you have to describe them is "gorgeous" and you're bragging about the amount of sex you were having with them during that time? Maybe I'm missing something here but it might be worth re-evaluating how much some of your sources are influencing you.

Click to shrink...

I'm good on this argument. I was just explaining that people will ghost regardless of how intimate you get with them. There's no bragging. It's just sex, dude.

 

[Deleted member 33533]

If you removed all the girls on Tinder looking for a plug, I'd have like 5 people to swipe on I swear, lol

Anyway I got drinks with that girl i mentioned earlier. Was fun and at the end I told her I was interested in going on a date with her. She seemed kind of taken aback, said she never really dated and really only had relationships that evolved from friendships. Said she'd like to meet up again and see where it goes cause she typically needs more time.

Well, it's not a no...

 

[Brando]

Try to seek out commonalities in your interests. This way, you can volunteer information if they don't ask for it. Movies? Find a common genre. Travel? Find a common continent ("europe" is easy enough) or type of trip. But if she just doesn't ask you anything back ever, consider that to be on her. You can't carry dates alone.

Click to shrink...

Thanks for the advice! It was extremely helpful. We have a second date tomorrow night and I'm struggling, from a conversation perspective, on what to bring up. I really want to know more about her past relationships and what her expectations are for a potential future one, but I'm not sure if this is too soon/fast to have these types of conversations. Is this the appropriate date to go for more in depth questions or keep it similar to the first date where we are still discovering commonalities and keeping it lighter/casual with respect to the conversation?

 

[shoptroll]

Expectations for the relationship I think is ok to ask at this point. History I think is for a little later?

 

[Lumination]

Thanks for the advice! It was extremely helpful. We have a second date tomorrow night and I'm struggling, from a conversation perspective, on what to bring up. I really want to know more about her past relationships and what her expectations are for a potential future one, but I'm not sure if this is too soon/fast to have these types of conversations. Is this the appropriate date to go for more in depth questions or keep it similar to the first date where we are still discovering commonalities and keeping it lighter/casual with respect to the conversation?

Click to shrink...

Congrats! It was all you dude! I think after the first date where you both agree that there's something there, you can definitely go a bit heavier or substantive on the second date. How far you wanna go depends entirely on the person. Is she pretty introspective or more on the happy-go-lucky side? You can try testing the waters over text like a day before the date and before you get to the more serious parts, invite her to finish it in person and bring it up early on in the date.

 

[Pelicano]

Thanks for the advice! It was extremely helpful. We have a second date tomorrow night and I'm struggling, from a conversation perspective, on what to bring up. I really want to know more about her past relationships and what her expectations are for a potential future one, but I'm not sure if this is too soon/fast to have these types of conversations. Is this the appropriate date to go for more in depth questions or keep it similar to the first date where we are still discovering commonalities and keeping it lighter/casual with respect to the conversation?

Click to shrink...

Why do you want to know more about her past relationships? Also I wouldn't bring up anything regarding a future(or past) relationship during a second date. You guys barely know each other.

Just have fun and ask her questions about her life, what she likes doing, work, etc and let her go at it. Joke around and try not to worry. She'll ask you questions if she's having a good time.

 

[Deleted member 33533]

Thanks for the advice! It was extremely helpful. We have a second date tomorrow night and I'm struggling, from a conversation perspective, on what to bring up. I really want to know more about her past relationships and what her expectations are for a potential future one, but I'm not sure if this is too soon/fast to have these types of conversations. Is this the appropriate date to go for more in depth questions or keep it similar to the first date where we are still discovering commonalities and keeping it lighter/casual with respect to the conversation?

Click to shrink...

It's definitely way too soon to be having either of those conversations. Just focus on getting to know each other and building chemistry.

 

[BossGuts]

Hey Era,

First time poster but long time lurker in this thread. Need some advice around a falling out with my current Girlfriend of 6 months.

For context I'm 23 and she's 22. I suffer with some pretty severe anxiety and get a lot of instances where I feel that I don't deserve to be loved or appreciated. These are getting better over time and my girlfriend has been helping me with this and has been very supportive.

On Tuesday I had a particular bad instance where I told her I don't feel like I excite her anymore and how could she find me attractive (basically me questioning her love with the anxiety where deep down I love her and she loves me)

She's been mad at me since then saying I broke her trust and that it will take time to build back up. As of typing now it's getting better but she's still apprehensive to initiate physical contact with me (such as kissing etc.) and is being a bit short and distant with her messages (compared to our usual dialect when texting).

I've also been overly clingy since this falling out which shes told me isn't helping anything which I know, but how do I stop myself? I want to show her that I still care but not that I'm ignoring the situation. Do I let her come to me? Or do I show my affection in a way which isn't clingy?

I'm quite a nervous person, so I asked her how her trust levels are now today after having a nice time last night and she got angry saying we're never gonna move forward if i keep worrying and bringing it back up. And that she will forgive me and regain trust in me in her own time. But when is that? How will I know? How can I keep myself distracted and act like myself to help her heal and trust me again without bringing attention to it.

Have I messed up for good? I really love this girl and know I messed up by questioning that in an anxiety attack when shes been so supportive. I'm not sure how long I'm meant to wait for things to go back to how they were? She's still willing to see me and spend time with me, so it's not like there's no physical contact but it feels completely different to how we were just under a week ago.

We've had some little tiffs here and there but it's been a really strong relationship so far. This is our first falling out (which is entirely my fault) which has gone on longer than a day (since Tuesday now) so need advice for the best way to handle this.

Any advice appreciated, thank you so much.

 

[FerrisBueller]

Hey Era,

First time poster but long time lurker in this thread. Need some advice around a falling out with my current Girlfriend of 6 months.

For context I'm 23 and she's 22. I suffer with some pretty severe anxiety and get a lot of instances where I feel that I don't deserve to be loved or appreciated. These are getting better over time and my girlfriend has been helping me with this and has been very supportive.

On Tuesday I had a particular bad instance where I told her I don't feel like I excite her anymore and how could she find me attractive (basically me questioning her love with the anxiety where deep down I love her and she loves me)

She's been mad at me since then saying I broke her trust and that it will take time to build back up. As of typing now it's getting better but she's still apprehensive to initiate physical contact with me (such as kissing etc.) and is being a bit short and distant with her messages (compared to our usual dialect when texting).

I've also been overly clingy since this falling out which shes told me isn't helping anything which I know, but how do I stop myself? I want to show her that I still care but not that I'm ignoring the situation. Do I let her come to me? Or do I show my affection in a way which isn't clingy?

I'm quite a nervous person, so I asked her how her trust levels are now today after having a nice time last night and she got angry saying we're never gonna move forward if i keep worrying and bringing it back up. And that she will forgive me and regain trust in me in her own time. But when is that? How will I know? How can I keep myself distracted and act like myself to help her heal and trust me again without bringing attention to it.

Have I messed up for good? I really love this girl and know I messed up by questioning that in an anxiety attack when shes been so supportive. I'm not sure how long I'm meant to wait for things to go back to how they were? She's still willing to see me and spend time with me, so it's not like there's no physical contact but it feels completely different to how we were just under a week ago.

We've had some little tiffs here and there but it's been a really strong relationship so far. This is our first falling out (which is entirely my fault) which has gone on longer than a day (since Tuesday now) so need advice for the best way to handle this.

Any advice appreciated, thank you so much.

Click to shrink...

I haven't been in your situation, but do have anxiety, so I know about that. Try to remember, you're overthinking this and most likely making it seem like a much bigger problem than it is (not your fault, the anxiety's). She's told you that you going on about it is just prolonging the problem. It sounds like you kinda do need to ignore the situation. At least from your side, only bring it up again if she does.

You don't want to make her feel pressured. She told you she needs time, if you push you'll just make it worse. Just remember, the more you push and go on about it, the worse it'll get, you wont make things better doing that, it's only going to go one way. Try reading your post back to yourself and imagine that it's someone else asking for help, what advice would you give? "Dude just chill!"

Try and find something to do to distract you and pass the time for the next day or two. What things do you normally do? Go for a hike outside and take some pictures or something. Every couple needs space at times. You've shown her you care, just chill for a couple of days and see how things are after that.

 

[Brando]

Expectations for the relationship I think is ok to ask at this point. History I think is for a little later?

Click to shrink...

Congrats! It was all you dude! I think after the first date where you both agree that there's something there, you can definitely go a bit heavier or substantive on the second date. How far you wanna go depends entirely on the person. Is she pretty introspective or more on the happy-go-lucky side? You can try testing the waters over text like a day before the date and before you get to the more serious parts, invite her to finish it in person and bring it up early on in the date.

Click to shrink...

Why do you want to know more about her past relationships? Also I wouldn't bring up anything regarding a future(or past) relationship during a second date. You guys barely know each other.

Just have fun and ask her questions about her life, what she likes doing, work, etc and let her go at it. Joke around and try not to worry. She'll ask you questions if she's having a good time.

Click to shrink...

It's definitely way too soon to be having either of those conversations. Just focus on getting to know each other and building chemistry.

Click to shrink...

Thank you all for your insights. I'm going to just keep it light and not too heavy in order to continue to build chemistry. The reason I brought this up is I was reading a blog online where it mentioned that it was in your best interest to bring up dating history and expectations and that's what sets apart the second date from the first. I've never done that traditionally but just wanted to see what others opinion on the matter were.

 

[Dokkaebi G0SU]

So for those who buy the premium stuff for tinder, plus or gold?
It looks like the yearly one is cheaper per month and that you could cancel anytime not really paying the full amount? I just wanna make sure I understand if anyone can chime in.

 

[Rephil]

Thank you all for your insights. I'm going to just keep it light and not too heavy in order to continue to build chemistry. The reason I brought this up is I was reading a blog online where it mentioned that it was in your best interest to bring up dating history and expectations and that's what sets apart the second date from the first. I've never done that traditionally but just wanted to see what others opinion on the matter were.

Click to shrink...

Personally, I wouldn't dive into relationship history unless I was regularly seeing them (a couple months of dating at least) - and even then, I wouldn't bring it up myself. I'd wait for them to ask if they were curious - and I'd keep details extremely minimal unless they were super interested. I really don't care about their past relationships. It can feel good to open up about them, and share that with someone you care for, but letting it happen naturally is my route. And a second date is way too soon, as others have mentioned.

Expectations and what they're looking for is fine to bring up a bit earlier so you can figure out if the relationship is moving in a positive direction for the both of you - but even then, I don't see the rush of talking about that so early on. I'd suggest just enjoy spending time with them for now, and see how you feel after several more dates. Most people don't like to feel pressured - and bringing up expectations so early on can be a little intense.

Hey Era,

First time poster but long time lurker in this thread. Need some advice around a falling out with my current Girlfriend of 6 months.

For context I'm 23 and she's 22. I suffer with some pretty severe anxiety and get a lot of instances where I feel that I don't deserve to be loved or appreciated. These are getting better over time and my girlfriend has been helping me with this and has been very supportive.

On Tuesday I had a particular bad instance where I told her I don't feel like I excite her anymore and how could she find me attractive (basically me questioning her love with the anxiety where deep down I love her and she loves me)

She's been mad at me since then saying I broke her trust and that it will take time to build back up. As of typing now it's getting better but she's still apprehensive to initiate physical contact with me (such as kissing etc.) and is being a bit short and distant with her messages (compared to our usual dialect when texting).

I've also been overly clingy since this falling out which shes told me isn't helping anything which I know, but how do I stop myself? I want to show her that I still care but not that I'm ignoring the situation. Do I let her come to me? Or do I show my affection in a way which isn't clingy?

I'm quite a nervous person, so I asked her how her trust levels are now today after having a nice time last night and she got angry saying we're never gonna move forward if i keep worrying and bringing it back up. And that she will forgive me and regain trust in me in her own time. But when is that? How will I know? How can I keep myself distracted and act like myself to help her heal and trust me again without bringing attention to it.

Have I messed up for good? I really love this girl and know I messed up by questioning that in an anxiety attack when shes been so supportive. I'm not sure how long I'm meant to wait for things to go back to how they were? She's still willing to see me and spend time with me, so it's not like there's no physical contact but it feels completely different to how we were just under a week ago.

We've had some little tiffs here and there but it's been a really strong relationship so far. This is our first falling out (which is entirely my fault) which has gone on longer than a day (since Tuesday now) so need advice for the best way to handle this.

Any advice appreciated, thank you so much.

Click to shrink...

Was the physical intimacy already lacking by the point you told her you felt she wasn't attracted to you anymore? Because if that's the case - and now she's still not interesting in getting physical with you - that's a major red flag to me, especially when you've only been dating for 6 months.

You also keep saying it's entirely your fault - well, if she's as understanding as you claim she is about your anxiety, and helping you through it - I don't understand why she's holding this specific case against you so harshly? Maybe it's build up from past instances, and she's at her breaking point.

If you really want this to work out, I'd suggest the first step is backing off. Don't bring it up for a couple of weeks, just spend time with her, and push those burning anxiety induced tendencies aside. Do you see a therapist? Because I'd definitely suggest doing so to work on yourself and unpack this stuff, as your girlfriend really shouldn't be your primary source of mental health support. It's too much to put on one person.

I don't want to sound overtly negative, but this might be rather difficult to fix without putting some major work into yourself and building up your confidence and self-esteem. Stay strong, dude!

 

[BossGuts]

Personally, I wouldn't dive into relationship history unless I was regularly seeing them (a couple months of dating at least) - and even then, I wouldn't bring it up myself. I'd wait for them to ask if they were curious - and I'd keep details extremely minimal unless they were super interested. I really don't care about their past relationships. It can feel good to open up about them, and share that with someone you care for, but letting it happen naturally is my route. And a second date is way too soon, as others have mentioned.

Expectations and what they're looking for is fine to bring up a bit earlier so you can figure out if the relationship is moving in a positive direction for the both of you - but even then, I don't see the rush of talking about that so early on. I'd suggest just enjoy spending time with them for now, and see how you feel after several more dates. Most people don't like to feel pressured - and bringing up expectations so early on can be a little intense.



Was the physical intimacy already lacking by the point you told her you felt she wasn't attracted to you anymore? Because if that's the case - and now she's still not interesting in getting physical with you - that's a major red flag to me, especially when you've only been dating for 6 months.

You also keep saying it's entirely your fault - well, if she's as understanding as you claim she is about your anxiety, and helping you through it - I don't understand why she's holding this specific case against you so harshly? Maybe it's build up from past instances, and she's at her breaking point.

If you really want this to work out, I'd suggest the first step is backing off. Don't bring it up for a couple of weeks, just spend time with her, and push those burning anxiety induced tendencies aside. Do you see a therapist? Because I'd definitely suggest doing so to work on yourself and unpack this stuff, as your girlfriend really shouldn't be your primary source of mental health support. It's too much to put on one person.

I don't want to sound overtly negative, but this might be rather difficult to fix without putting some major work into yourself and building up your confidence and self-esteem. Stay strong, dude!

Click to shrink...

The Physical intimacy of kissing, holding hands etc. was still there and it was great.. It was the sex side I was worried about

It wasn't lacking per say. When we have sex, it's amazing great sex but what used to be everyday has turned into maybe once-twice a week. I know it's natural that sex becomes more infrequent the further into a relationship but I got worried it was 'me' thing that I felt unattractive and unappealing when that wasn't the case to her (she's told me how much she likes it, and when she doesn't do it, it's because she's tired or simply doesn't want too) which I completely respect.. but then I feel like "is this a me thing" "how often should we be doing it?" I get unsure myself.

It's my second real relationship so maybe I'm overestimating how frequent these things should be? I'd never do anything to hurt her but I worry it's a me thing when the frequency has changed, although these things might be natural?

You're completely right, I've had moments like these before of past instances but we'd typically work through them after an hour or so whereas this has lasted since Tuesday. It's a lot better today, we're more intimate and understanding of each other. But I think she is at her breaking point with it which I completely get, I can be a handful and my negative and anxious thoughts don't only affect me but those I care about.

I've had my first session of Cognitive Behaviour Therapy today, it's a small but first step. I know I have to work on myself and I can't put all my struggles on one person.

I know that me and her are going to be fine. But how can I stop thinking she doesn't want to get intimate with me? It's pushing those negative thoughts aside and I think it's my own mental struggles which may very not be suitable for this thread.

Thank you!

 

[Deleted member 33533]

The Physical intimacy of kissing, holding hands etc. was still there and it was great.. It was the sex side I was worried about

It wasn't lacking per say. When we have sex, it's amazing great sex but what used to be everyday has turned into maybe once-twice a week. I know it's natural that sex becomes more infrequent the further into a relationship but I got worried it was 'me' thing that I felt unattractive and unappealing when that wasn't the case to her (she's told me how much she likes it, and when she doesn't do it, it's because she's tired or simply doesn't want too) which I completely respect.. but then I feel like "is this a me thing" "how often should we be doing it?" I get unsure myself.

It's my second real relationship so maybe I'm overestimating how frequent these things should be? I'd never do anything to hurt her but I worry it's a me thing when the frequency has changed, although these things might be natural?

You're completely right, I've had moments like these before of past instances but we'd typically work through them after an hour or so whereas this has lasted since Tuesday. It's a lot better today, we're more intimate and understanding of each other. But I think she is at her breaking point with it which I completely get, I can be a handful and my negative and anxious thoughts don't only affect me but those I care about.

I've had my first session of Cognitive Behaviour Therapy today, it's a small but first step. I know I have to work on myself and I can't put all my struggles on one person.

I know that me and her are going to be fine. But how can I stop thinking she doesn't want to get intimate with me? It's pushing those negative thoughts aside and I think it's my own mental struggles which may very not be suitable for this thread.

Thank you!

Click to shrink...

I think you have to decide for yourself how much sex is enough sex for you. There is no
number for how often you should be having sex. It's how much is enough for both of you.

I've been in that spot where my partner just dropped off in terms of libido and you aren't wrong for feeling unattractive or unwanted. It's a natural emotional response and it's hard not to be bothered when you sense a disparity between your attraction to your partner and theirs to you.

Unfortunately, sex is a physical and emotional need for a lot of people in relationships and it's difficult to overcome that hurdle if there's a huge gap in how often you want it. Like you can't exactly compromise on it unless it's a slight difference in libido. Also realize you might go through phases and the frequency of the times you're intimate can go up. I think the first thing I would do if I were you is really try to address the anxiety you feel. I was going to suggest seeing a therapist but looks like you're already on that. That's a great first step and should help you understand some of the things you've been asking yourself.

 

[Pelicano]

Thank you all for your insights. I'm going to just keep it light and not too heavy in order to continue to build chemistry. The reason I brought this up is I was reading a blog online where it mentioned that it was in your best interest to bring up dating history and expectations and that's what sets apart the second date from the first. I've never done that traditionally but just wanted to see what others opinion on the matter were.

Click to shrink...

Yeah that's a terrible idea, lol. You just want to get to know each other naturally and there's no need to force anything. Just make sure that you're moving forward each date in regards to getting closer to the girl (emotionally / physically). Nobody wants to talk about their exes on a date.

 

[Deleted member 33533]

I think I'm really starting to understand the power of just being direct. I went out to a club tonight and by pure chance ran into a coworker I have a thing for. At work we have brief and rare interactions with each other but we always chat a bit when we do. To me it feels a bit flirty. At least I know I'm flirting but I always doubted my ability to read if someone was also interested so I never pushed beyond that. Plus work just made it hard to push that.

Usually I'm apprehensive about pushing the boundaries because the fear of rejection. I'm always waiting for a super clear sign for it to be "safe" or the perfect moment but of course those don't happen and I end up regretting it. There are a few instances I can think back to where I regret not making a move. So this time, I decided "fuck it" and invited her to dance with me. I got close to her and initiated physical contact and she was receptive so at some point, I just straight up told her I felt like we were both feeling each other. She agreed and said she thought the same about our workplace interactions but wasn't sure how to breach it.

So with that clear, we ended up making out, I got her number and now we're gonna hang out again. I know this sounds and definitely is extremely basic to a lot of you but it's a big thing for me because my nerves always got the best of me in these situations. Being direct is so better for me.

 

[Rephil]

I think I'm really starting to understand the power of just being direct. I went out to a club tonight and by pure chance ran into a coworker I have a thing for. At work we have brief and rare interactions with each other but we always chat a bit when we do. To me it feels a bit flirty. At least I know I'm flirting but I always doubted my ability to read if someone was also interested so I never pushed beyond that. Plus work just made it hard to push that.

Usually I'm apprehensive about pushing the boundaries because the fear of rejection. I'm always waiting for a super clear sign for it to be "safe" or the perfect moment but of course those don't happen and I end up regretting it. There are a few instances I can think back to where I regret not making a move. So this time, I decided "fuck it" and invited her to dance with me. I got close to her and initiated physical contact and she was receptive so at some point, I just straight up told her I felt like we were both feeling each other. She agreed and said she thought the same about our workplace interactions but wasn't sure how to breach it.

So with that clear, we ended up making out, I got her number and now we're gonna hang out again. I know this sounds and definitely is extremely basic to a lot of you but it's a big thing for me because my nerves always got the best of me in these situations. Being direct is so better for me.

Click to shrink...

Sounds like you had a great night out! Glad you finally had a bit of luck after these past few months of frustrations. And yeah, I agree being direct is always the best approach.

 

[a916]

This is something I really wished I focused on more and more, I think I've been too eager to be a in a relation that I don't set up boundaries (for her or myself). So when someone crosses them and I get annoyed or anxiety, I don't speak up on it. I think I'm going to take this new mindset with me.

Sometimes simple things like not making someone a priority if I'm being treated as an option.

 

[Deleted member 33533]

Sounds like you had a great night out! Glad you finally had a bit of luck after these past few months of frustrations. And yeah, I agree being direct is always the best approach.

Click to shrink...

Thanks! Self-doubt always led me to act passively and miss these kinds of opportunities in the past just to be kicking myself afterwards. That said, having made those kinds of mistakes I was able to see what a chance opportunity this was and that I should be assertive and direct. It's definitely going to be my approach from now on.

I already texted her to ask her out but she's going out of town for a couple weeks. Never a fan of having to manage this kind of break in momentum but she said she wants to get together once she's back so wish me luck.

This is something I really wished I focused on more and more, I think I've been too eager to be a in a relation that I don't set up boundaries (for her or myself). So when someone crosses them and I get annoyed or anxiety, I don't speak up on it. I think I'm going to take this new mindset with me.

Sometimes simple things like not making someone a priority if I'm being treated as an option.

Click to shrink...

That's a lesson for life, not just relationships. I feel you, I've been in that spot.

 

[Lumination]

So a little after the 4th date, the girl called me to break it off. She's going to get back together with her ex! We were a legit 99% match, so that's a shame. But you know what, I'm not feeling down. In fact, I'm more surprised than anyone that I've had time to digest it and I'm legitimately pretty upbeat about it. The way I see it, from last June until now, in aggregate, my dates have gotten astronomically better over time. I'm confident (and not just fake confident) that my 100% match is out there. Maybe even a 110% match! On top of that, I had fun and I'd consider this my first real connection post-rediscovering myself and I think I knocked it out of the park.

To bigger and better dates ahead! :)

Thanks! Self-doubt always led me to act passively and miss these kinds of opportunities in the past just to be kicking myself afterwards. That said, having made those kinds of mistakes I was able to see what a chance opportunity this was and that I should be assertive and direct. It's definitely going to be my approach from now on.

Click to shrink...

I honestly think this is something that comes with age. A lot of people after a certain point of eating their self-doubt just say, "fuck it" and just give it a try. Awesome you've made it to the other side. Lord knows it wasn't easy for me at all haha (and who knows if I'm even 100% there yet).

 

[Notaskwid]

So, I felt it, and for the first time I invited someone home on a first tinder date and it actually worked

 

[Deleted member 33533]

I honestly think this is something that comes with age. A lot of people after a certain point of eating their self-doubt just say, "fuck it" and just give it a try. Awesome you've made it to the other side. Lord knows it wasn't easy for me at all haha (and who knows if I'm even 100% there yet).

Click to shrink...

It's definitely from experience. I always get overwhelmed in the moment but then afterwards when I'm alone with my thoughts it's so obvious where I dropped the ball. It's funny because in those moments of reflection, I always imagined "if I could just go back in time with this retrospective clarity I could do it right" and this time it felt as if I was doing just that. The situation was basically a mash up of similar situations I screwed up in the past and I literally thought to myself "Ok, this is where you fuck up. So... don't do that."

So, I felt it, and for the first time I invited someone home on a first tinder date and it actually worked

Click to shrink...

That's always a gamble haha. Glad it worked out.

 

[FerrisBueller]

Do any of you guys ever get through the dating app -> texting/DM stage and then just lose interest? The girl I matched with on Hinge and moved to Snap have been messaging for about a week and I just have no interest in asking her out. It feels like a weird situation to be in.

I tend to find it really hard to actually want to continue talking or go out with someone, but when I do I really do. It seems to be all or nothing with me.

 

[Deleted member 13798]

Do any of you guys ever get through the dating app -> texting/DM stage and then just lose interest? The girl I matched with on Hinge and moved to Snap have been messaging for about a week and I just have no interest in asking her out. It feels like a weird situation to be in.

I tend to find it really hard to actually want to continue talking or go out with someone, but when I do I really do. It seems to be all or nothing with me.

Click to shrink...

I haven't really experienced that personally, but are you going out with them and then losing interest afterwards? Or are you talking for a long time before going out at all? I find that talking only tends to be a quick way to put out any kind of interest.

It could be that you're seeing more of them as you chat and just not interested as it goes on but I don't use that as a gauge that often because people are not necessarily good at texting. They may be pretty engaging in person but if you just had to talk to them through distance correspondence it can be hard to keep that going. I don't even text my friends that much unless we're doing something together.

 

[Deleted member 33533]

Do any of you guys ever get through the dating app -> texting/DM stage and then just lose interest? The girl I matched with on Hinge and moved to Snap have been messaging for about a week and I just have no interest in asking her out. It feels like a weird situation to be in.

I tend to find it really hard to actually want to continue talking or go out with someone, but when I do I really do. It seems to be all or nothing with me.

Click to shrink...

That's the problem with not setting up a date early and chatting over text messages for an extended period of time. Unless there's some logistics issue preventing you from meeting up, why are you talking for a week? The moment I get a girl off the app, I'm asking her out within a few text messages.

 

[Ralemont]

Do any of you guys ever get through the dating app -> texting/DM stage and then just lose interest? The girl I matched with on Hinge and moved to Snap have been messaging for about a week and I just have no interest in asking her out. It feels like a weird situation to be in.

I tend to find it really hard to actually want to continue talking or go out with someone, but when I do I really do. It seems to be all or nothing with me.

Click to shrink...

I try to limit my matches to people I'd only want to immediate go on a date with. It's easy to overmatch for the ego boost (I don't mean that as a diss to you, we all do it) but I think it's detrimental.

If you'd be excited to meet the person you matched with ASAP, then match with them. Every now and then you'll have a great date with someone you were unsure about, but it's too rare for me to bother anymore personally.

 

[Deleted member 33533]

I try to limit my matches to people I'd only want to immediate go on a date with. It's easy to overmatch for the ego boost (I don't mean that as a diss to you, we all do it) but I think it's detrimental.

Click to shrink...

I have the opposite problem where I don't match with anyone I'm excited to go out with so I lower my standards and match with someone I'm just ok with. I end up not having enough motivation to ask her out because the process of getting someone to go out with you from a dating app is usually not worth the effort. Same result in the end though haha

 

[a916]

Do any of you guys ever get through the dating app -> texting/DM stage and then just lose interest? The girl I matched with on Hinge and moved to Snap have been messaging for about a week and I just have no interest in asking her out. It feels like a weird situation to be in.

I tend to find it really hard to actually want to continue talking or go out with someone, but when I do I really do. It seems to be all or nothing with me.

Click to shrink...

This is me. All or nothing. Which has been an issue in the past, when I like a girl I come on super strong. Throw my own values in the trash and just chase. I need to get better about that.

When I lose interest I just stop messaging tbh. I usually move from the app to the phone/Snapchat when I know I want to ask them to a real date. Some people are just better in person than texting on the phone.

 

[Deleted member 48897]

While I'm generally not the sort of person to enjoy dredging up cross-thread drama, I do think that a certain trending thread at the moment is an excellent example of what happens when you get relationship advice as a straight dude almost exclusively from other straight dudes. A cautionary tale?

 

[Deleted member 33533]

While I'm generally not the sort of person to enjoy dredging up cross-thread drama, I do think that a certain trending thread at the moment is an excellent example of what happens when you get relationship advice as a straight dude almost exclusively from other straight dudes. A cautionary tale?

Click to shrink...

Context?

 

[Deleted member 48897]

So my Girl caught me cheating ....

Yea I’m a piece of crap I know. I give her the keys to my place and what does she do?? Go on my computer logs onto my Facebook and reads all my messages. All of them. So yea she’s seen all the nasty convos and pics I’ve been having with other women throughout the years. All my hook up dates ect...

www.resetera.com

Like the most basic and probably most effective dating advice I could ever offer anyone is "don't be this guy, ever". I'm mostly posting this in here because that thread is locked, it's salient to the kind of conversation that goes on in here, and I expect (naively hope??) the thread will move on quickly enough that we don't fixate on the guy.

 

[jdstorm]

So my Girl caught me cheating ....

Yea I’m a piece of crap I know. I give her the keys to my place and what does she do?? Go on my computer logs onto my Facebook and reads all my messages. All of them. So yea she’s seen all the nasty convos and pics I’ve been having with other women throughout the years. All my hook up dates ect...

www.resetera.com

Like the most basic and probably most effective dating advice I could ever offer anyone is "don't be this guy, ever". I'm mostly posting this in here because that thread is locked, it's salient to the kind of conversation that goes on in here, and I expect (naively hope??) the thread will move on quickly enough that we don't fixate on the guy.

Click to shrink...

How Naughties.

Looks like Shaggy is still relevant

 

[Deleted member 33533]

So question about a coworker I mentioned here earlier. The one I ran into at a club and ended up making out with. Well, she's out of town for a couple weeks but wants to get together when she gets back. The timeframe is loose but I wonder if I should try and have a brief text conversation with her just to keep things rolling? I've done this before with actual dating but the circumstances of this are a bit different that I'm not entirely sure if that's the move.

So my Girl caught me cheating ....

Yea I’m a piece of crap I know. I give her the keys to my place and what does she do?? Go on my computer logs onto my Facebook and reads all my messages. All of them. So yea she’s seen all the nasty convos and pics I’ve been having with other women throughout the years. All my hook up dates ect...

www.resetera.com

Like the most basic and probably most effective dating advice I could ever offer anyone is "don't be this guy, ever". I'm mostly posting this in here because that thread is locked, it's salient to the kind of conversation that goes on in here, and I expect (naively hope??) the thread will move on quickly enough that we don't fixate on the guy.

Click to shrink...

Oh that thread lol. That seems less dating advice and more "don't be a scumbag" advice. Clearly he had no problem finding partners of whatever kind he wanted.

 

[Lumination]

Been getting some matches, but not many bites I'm interested in. Considering taking a pause just because do I really want to be dating or risk hurting my chances matching with people during the whole covid stuff? Probably just take a breather for a few weeks lol.

 

[Deleted member 33533]

Been getting some matches, but not many bites I'm interested in. Considering taking a pause just because do I really want to be dating or risk hurting my chances matching with people during the whole covid stuff? Probably just take a breather for a few weeks lol.

Click to shrink...

Coronavirus is cancelling dates now. I had a similar thought but it was more about where we would go. Doesn't seem like the best time to be going out to restaurants, bars, venues, etc.

 

[Deleted member 48897]

Oh that thread lol. That seems less dating advice and more "don't be a scumbag" advice. Clearly he had no problem finding partners of whatever kind he wanted.

Click to shrink...

I was thinking more the other threads that were brought up. But when you're privileging the voices of other men telling you what they think women want over what women say they think they want, well, outcomes like this usually wind up being the end result because nobody ends up being satisfied -- and the couple's social dynamic is such that if any sexual dysfunction is actually brought up, it gets dismissed. Like, I think on some level of course the dude was cheating, because his girlfriend and he were having an unfulfilling sexual dynamic, because they weren't comfortable actually discussing their wants/needs.

 

[a916]

Been getting some matches, but not many bites I'm interested in. Considering taking a pause just because do I really want to be dating or risk hurting my chances matching with people during the whole covid stuff? Probably just take a breather for a few weeks lol.

Click to shrink...

I'm not sure if it factors in on the app, but yeah, sometimes I just don't open it for weeks to take a break, can you just leave it there and have it not affect your chances?

 

[Lumination]

I'm not sure if it factors in on the app, but yeah, sometimes I just don't open it for weeks to take a break, can you just leave it there and have it not affect your chances?

Click to shrink...

Oh yeah, I was just going to leave it there. I just meant that if you match with someone and it fizzles out, you won't get to rematch them. It hardly matters, but just a thought about how I didn't wanna burn my matches on convos that will most likely fizzle due to not wanting to go out lol.