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Cheated on the one I love, got caught in the act. Hurting someone you love is .. painful.
- Thread starter Tux_
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100% right.
That's one reason why I don't discuss much on this side of the forum. People really look to tear others down too much just for their own satisfaction. Shit's lame.
I agree with everyone else that what you did is wrong, and you are showing signs that you do not actually love this woman, but rather just love sex and love being with someone, whether that is love or not.
But amongst all of the hate in this thread, I just wanted to quickly acknowledge that I respect that you realize that you have an addiction, that you realize that you need therapy, and that you thank the people who posted in this thread despite them being rough. I think you are on track to changing your ways, you just need to put these words into action. People in this thread are calling you horrible thing, but you can absolutely change, and you seem very willing to do so. I wish you the best of luck, OP.
You clearly fucked up, but I'm not gonna rag on you. You're getting plenty already. Not that I feel sorry for you.
Be better moving forward. This needs to be a real learning experience and turning point for you if you want any meaningful, LASTING relationships in the future.
FFS stay away from any kind of call girl, first and foremost.
Be better moving forward. This needs to be a real learning experience and turning point for you if you want any meaningful, LASTING relationships in the future.
FFS stay away from any kind of call girl, first and foremost.
Empathy can go both ways. And from the OP the situation is far from clear to me.
It's not semantics when you are projecting cheating to be equal to stuff not near that level at all that other people might have done.
"Everyone has made a mistake or two before". Naaaah, that's not how this goes.
Maybe it's not satisfaction and just being digusted by something like cheating?
You messed up my man, but in the end it probably will be for the best for the both of you to separate, give her space and you go talk to someone about your addiction, sure you screwed up but unlike some I don't wish misery on you.
As for those being insulting towards the op I think that there is no need for name calling, sure tell him he has messed up but being nasty is uncalled for.
As for those being insulting towards the op I think that there is no need for name calling, sure tell him he has messed up but being nasty is uncalled for.
So you're upset at people being any level of harsh but then turn around and basically tell him not to even feel bad.
Enabling is far worse than blunt words
That's how I see it, friends with occasional benefits isn't a status that is worth much.
Great. Communication problems and you think with your dick. You really should let that girl alone.
Make a mistake or do something wrong and people will call you a human piece of shit that deserves to live in misery. It's always surprising how little empathy some posters have on social media. It's like some people are just robots that never make mistakes or do things they regret.
Yea, because speeding or getting into an accident is comparable to cheating.
She is better off without you. You had your chance. Let her go and find your happiness elsewhere.
User Banned (5 days): Inflammatory Point of Comparison.
When the topic is cheating, Resetera always turns into Brunei
I thought the same thing reading this thread. I was shocked at how many people fall into a similar situation in real life once you're past being an idealistic, young adult that sees things in black and white. Adult relationships are hard and complicated and shit happens. I agree the same that OP made a mistake, but I honestly feel cheating on your partner is something that happens WAY more than we like to admit. It's like cancer or miscarriage or something - the more you talk about it the more people have personal stories.
OP himself is disgusted by his own cheating, said he needs help, admitted he did wrong, wants to improve and opened himself up for advice to strangers because he's feeling horrible about it.
I don't care how disgusted someone is at cheating, if people see that and still feel the need to be as vindictive as they've been in this thread then that says something else. Shit's lame.
They don't want this girl anymore hurt than she is now, there is good reason to be vindictive.
He also said this:
So maybe some people should stop the tone policing?
And some here have a weird understanding of what empathy is. Being empathic doesn't mean you'll be nice to everyone.
Theres a difference between making a mistake and intentionally hurting another person, especially the person you claim to love.
i said he should leave her be in my first post
but you're crazy if you think he isn't gonna try. i've seen this story many times. might as well tell him to sort his issues out first before attempting to.
and he should feel bad but plenty of people have expressed that itt. don't want to pile on. OP doesn't seem like the strongest soul and internet words can be damaging to ones mental
Venting these sort of thoughts on a public forum doesn't seem like a smart idea unless you're looking to become a punching bag.
Sure you've regrets and remorse and in some cases cheating can be forgiven but your relationship looks like it was always going to have problems due to conflicting needs, views, and desires of the two people involved. You also either aren't quite the person for commitment it seems and she is someone who seeks it. Either just realise you'd prefer open relationships/relationship anarchy or see if you can really be in a proper monogamous relationship.
As for the woman you cheated on, despite your regrets you are not suitable for her or her needs and you guys can keep rotating back into each other's lives but it's a destructive cycle where you aren't really compatible.
Sure you've regrets and remorse and in some cases cheating can be forgiven but your relationship looks like it was always going to have problems due to conflicting needs, views, and desires of the two people involved. You also either aren't quite the person for commitment it seems and she is someone who seeks it. Either just realise you'd prefer open relationships/relationship anarchy or see if you can really be in a proper monogamous relationship.
As for the woman you cheated on, despite your regrets you are not suitable for her or her needs and you guys can keep rotating back into each other's lives but it's a destructive cycle where you aren't really compatible.
Then instead of coming aggressively into the thread like you did looking to feel better by tearing into someone that fucked up, be a better person, put your feelings aside for 2 minutes and give the dude advice. You could have said this sentiment in your first post. Something like;
"Dude, you fucked up in one of the worst ways you can in a relationship. Leave the girl alone, she's hurting enough as it is and nothing you can do now will make it better only worse. You sound like you need to work on some issues when it comes to sex, relationships and selfishness and should seriously look at getting help from a professional sex and relationship counselor before you consider seriously dating again otherwise there's a good chance you're going to end up hurting someone again."
This is infinitely more helpful, you can still think the dude is trash and what he did is unacceptable but at least you're actively trying to make the situation better in some way instead of just trying to make yourself feel superior.
I don't know man, I'm not trying to single you out in specific or anything it's just a trend that I've noticed getting more prevalent over the past 8 or so years and it's getting to me a little. I just don't like tearing into others like a good portion of this thread has, it feels petty and vindictive without doing anything to make the situation less shit.
Edit: Edited in the bold part.
Not sure how you thought that posting this on Era would be a smart thing to do. Some people here would have probably done the same in your situation no matter how disgusted they appear to sound right now. Cheating is often not a rational process and everyone trying to rationalize this really has no clue, no matter how high and mighty they're trying to sound.
Anyway, you fucked up badly and there's nothing you can do now other than apologize to the girl you cheated on and express how miserable you feel about it. Then you should leave her alone and she'll be the one deciding how things are going to be with you going forward (if they're going to be at all). If you think that seeing her desperate is excruciating, that's proof that it was a genuine mistake but it's also the consequence of your error and there's nothing you can do about it other than live with it.
Mainly though, you need to start asking yourself what it is that you really want from a relationship at this point in your life and if you want one at all. You probably have in your mind some sort of confusion and you want everything at the same time. Well, you can't. some things just can't coexist with each other. Stay put for a second and start looking into what you really want: do you want to have sex with everyone who wants to have sex with you? That's fine, just don't go into any kind of relationship if that's what you really want, it's your life after all. Are you really looking to have a healthy relationship with someone? Then you'll have to come to terms with the reality that a healthy relationship demands some changes in your sexual life and, most importantly, in your mindset.
And I'm saying all this as someone who was cheated on growing up.
EDIT: Added some stuff
Anyway, you fucked up badly and there's nothing you can do now other than apologize to the girl you cheated on and express how miserable you feel about it. Then you should leave her alone and she'll be the one deciding how things are going to be with you going forward (if they're going to be at all). If you think that seeing her desperate is excruciating, that's proof that it was a genuine mistake but it's also the consequence of your error and there's nothing you can do about it other than live with it.
Mainly though, you need to start asking yourself what it is that you really want from a relationship at this point in your life and if you want one at all. You probably have in your mind some sort of confusion and you want everything at the same time. Well, you can't. some things just can't coexist with each other. Stay put for a second and start looking into what you really want: do you want to have sex with everyone who wants to have sex with you? That's fine, just don't go into any kind of relationship if that's what you really want, it's your life after all. Are you really looking to have a healthy relationship with someone? Then you'll have to come to terms with the reality that a healthy relationship demands some changes in your sexual life and, most importantly, in your mindset.
And I'm saying all this as someone who was cheated on growing up.
EDIT: Added some stuff
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What?
You mean you can't say "you need stay away from her because she's been hurt enough" without being vindictive?
Are you really trying to give an excuse as to why people are being vindictive on this forum? Dawg, are you serious right now?
Now
This is a hella fucked up thing to say
But way to admit to being willing to commit murder I guess
"Wah wah people are mean to OP"
I could almost see the argument, but he's talking about prostitutes not two girlfriends he's torn about, so screw that.
She dodged a bullet.
I could almost see the argument, but he's talking about prostitutes not two girlfriends he's torn about, so screw that.
She dodged a bullet.
The way you're describing this whole thing is just off, it doesn't sound like you're in a relationship. You say you were working towards something? What though? It really shouldn't be this hard and you shouldn't even be contemplating marriage unless you're in a relationship together.
This is why I said earlier in the thread that this just sounds so unhealthy.
I mean OP himself said everyone is justified, and he needed tough love. So you are actually wrong.
I wouldn't admit to domestic violence even if it was a hypothetical, BUT THATS ME
Can't say much to OP other than leave her alone and truly seek for help to improve. Just please don't try to come back at her, you don't know how much that hurts.
Disgusting comparison.
Disgusting comparison.
He's an incel or redpiller or whatever the fuck it is, what do you expect?
I don't even understand how this went down. A prostitute you paid for sex last summer just randomly sent you a message and is like, 'Hey, wanna pay me for sex again?' and you're just like 'Sure, why not?'
Seek help. I wouldn't even attempt anything with this woman again. Even if she wants to take you back say no. Tell her she deserves better than you are and that you want to get help before getting into a committed relationship again.
Seek help. I wouldn't even attempt anything with this woman again. Even if she wants to take you back say no. Tell her she deserves better than you are and that you want to get help before getting into a committed relationship again.
This is yuck. I hope it's exaggerated hyperbole because if not you've got issues that you really should be seeing a counselor for, holding onto this sentiment isn't healthy in the slightest.
We're only human and violence is a natural part of anger so it's totally natural to feel like you want to do violence upon someone that's hurting you as it's happening and you're in the heat of the moment and unable to think entirely rationally. But that emotion should only last the couple of moments that the height of that irrational animal anger does and then you should be able to rationally realize that no, that's a terrible thing to do, legal or not. There are very few things in life that deserve death (if any), cheating as scarring as it can be is FAR from one of them. If you truly feel this way still, see a counselor or anger specialist ASAP, your life will be much better for it.
If what you wrote in the OP is true, you don't need therapy. You guys weren't really together. You both slept around and were ok about it. You both had "on and off sex, [with] sometimes months apart". I'm really not seeing what you did wrong here. Unless you're not telling us the full story.
Not much sympathy here. You completely betrayed her. And was that for an escort? Damn.
Best I have is don't do anything stupid, and make sure she doesn't either. If she wants to be left alone though (I think you said that) then leave her the hell alone. Maybe if she has another better friend or family she could talk to that could help.
Best I have is don't do anything stupid, and make sure she doesn't either. If she wants to be left alone though (I think you said that) then leave her the hell alone. Maybe if she has another better friend or family she could talk to that could help.
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