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Boyfriend broke up with me last night via text. I feel discarded.
- Thread starter meowdi gras
- Start date
He honestly sounds super controlling amd unreasonable. Like he was looking to breakup for a while and trying to justify it via his insistence that your sex drive be on all the time, this is beyond having a lot of sex.
Yeah it can REALLY mess with your head to the point where you're not realizing how you're acting. I'm not trying to defend or condemn anyone on either side of OP's story, but I do see a lot of drive by posts in here that sound like they're from people who don't understand the difficulties the way some of us do.
I really identify with a lot of OP's info, not just from the perspective of her ex but hers as well. To boil things down as *only* about sexual compatibility or making sure sex drives are equal is really oversimplifying the situation. There are all kinds of other things in play and it's different from couple to couple. Hell, my last ex had a matched sex drive to mine, but our *tastes* in sexual activities weren't lined up, and we had to compromise on some things. (or rather, I had to)
I mean I was in my mid twenties in my last relationship where once a month would be great. It's a problem if one of you finds it a problem. I was belittled, eye rolled, and told I was being unreasonable.
Now this was a downward slide, as many here have attested similar, and whilst our relationship didn't end solely over that it did make me really miserable and resentful a lot of time. You start to see yourself as less attractive, and then on the off chance you're able to have sex you put a lot of pressure on making it great (and that doesn't really work) because you know that the next time won't roll round for a long time.
Nobody's owed physical intimacy, you can't force these things, but it feels 100% shitty all the same.
I honestly see no villians here, I think the saddest thing is that (for what I read) both had a level of care for each other but you were truly incompatible
Yup. Sexual frustration will, over time, lead to resentment 100% of the time. Sexual compatibility is so, so important. Whether that means you both wanna do it all day every day or once a month. As long as both parties are okay with it. Obviously it will happen that one person is not in the mood and the other one is from time to time (and even that can feel shitty ime), but long-term compatibility is paramount.
It's how it is. My gf of 8 years dumped me because the last two years I stopped feeling sexual attraction TOWARDS HER. To make matters worse she was going at it with another guy before she broke up with me. But in the end I don't blame her. I should have been more thoughtful and left her find another person long before that.
OP
OP
What seems weird to me is the vehemence over his reaction to the idea of having sex with me when I can't get turned on. Now, I was raised by parents who always impressed upon me the importance of seeing to the other's sexual happiness, even if it meant engaging when you don't feel like it. While I no longer believe this to really be the best way to go about intimacy, I never personally saw much hurt in expending a little bit of effort to bring him some relief every once in awhile.
However, he's always recoiled in horror at the very idea, and times in the past when he's thought I had sex with him without being into it myself (which I'll admit has happened), he'll beat himself up for days as a rapist and predator. This behavior of his dismays me to no end. ☹️
Unfortunately no, "quickies" were very very seldom ever a thing with us. At his age, he takes a long time to orgasm, and that coupled with his incredible energy typically meant sex lasted and lasted...and lasted. Certainly he'd try endlessly to make me orgasm, and many times I had to make him stop just because he was exhausting the crap out of me. Sigh
Pretty much how I feel about it.
I feel bad for the both of you, sounds like you both wanted it to work.
My thoughts as well. It's sad, as all breakup are, especially after 3.5 years. But it's life, and as far as things going south, this one seems pretty tame and it could've gone much worse.
I'm sorry OP, I'm sure you're hurting; I hope you'll find with time it'll blow over.
Wait just to clarify the timeline, he left his wife after your first date? Were they already separated?
Like you said, he is a very sexual person. Meaning he has certain personal expectation and needs, one of which is that his partner be "into it". I can understand his hangup that he doesn't feel good about sex when the person is forcing it. My last relationship was similar, in that I could tell she didn't really enjoy it very much and I had to practically beg her sometimes. it's extremely disheartening and just not fun. Sex is more than just the physical aspect.
That being said, I'm sorry it didn't work out. It definitely sounds like it was for the best. And it sounds like he wanted to do it in person originally so don't feel too bad that it ended up happening over text.
OP
OP
We met and became friends in December 2015. A couple months later, he asked me out on a date, which I accepted and we had a really good time. After this date, he physically moved out of the house he shared with his at-the-time wife into his own place. (He's always insisted that he had planned to divorce her for at least a year prior, though.) We then went on a second date, which also went well, for the most part.
However, afterwards, because I was going through such a rough emotional time during that period (my bestie and I had--temporarily, as it turned out--parted ways because of my emotional instability), I decided that I wasn't in a good place to get romantically involved with anyone, so I gave him the "let's just be friends" shpiel by text the next morning. He was hurt, but eventually moved on and ended up dating another woman he knew for a short while. (Same woman he later unsuccessfully tried to pursue as his-approved "booty call".)
It was about a month later I attempted suicide, and subsequently started anti-depressants/psychiatry/therapy. After his date broke up with him, we started hanging out only as friends. As the months went on, and my emotional stability improved, I started to develop feelings for him. So we began a romantic relationship in August 2016, which has lasted up until today.
Yep. This is so true. When it gets this bad, whenever you get a chance to have sex you feel like you have to make it count which only adds pressure which makes it less enjoyable. And when it's less enjoyable, it really highlights the lack of sex. It's like a vicious cycle.
I don't think this is weird at all. Even if someone were to give me their consent, if they weren't into it at all, I'd still feel as though I coerced them into sex. Like, "I'll let you have sex with me if it will make you happy" would make me feel icky and like I was using them as an object to get off.
I think it's apparent that sex wasn't just about getting off to your ex. It was about sharing a mutual, intimate experience. At least it seems to me that there was a major emotional component. So when you are faking the sex, it doesn't solve the emotional problem which is why having someone on the side to have sex with didn't work, I'd wager. I know for me, I felt unwanted by my ex so her telling me to have sex with her even though she clearly didn't want it would not make me feel wanted at all. It's really one of those issues that can't be solved unless one person has a complete change in their needs. As much as it sucks that's reality. Hopefully, you'll be able to find someone with a lower libido where you two end up matching in that regard.
That's pretty much it.
If you don't want to hear the answer, don't ask the question. He pretty much had no choice. This wasn't a one way conversation.
OP
OP
Not at all sure this is worth the update. But it's 4:00 in the morning where I'm at and sleep has been elusive, so here goes:
Found out the other day from my 2nd best friend (best friend is also my housemate) that my ex has been chatting her up on Facebook every day since the day after he ended things with me. This is unusual only in the respect that he practically never contacted her in any way prior to the breakup. (The three of us once took a brief vacation together, which is almost the entirety of his interaction with her.) As she's notably more savvy than me navigating the world of thirsty men, she's wary of his intent, as she's been burned by rebounders and needy dudes before.*
Interestingly perhaps, subsequently filling her in a bit more about our relationship together, she's the fourth or fifth person I know of besides myself, my bestie, his ex-wife, and possibly the marriage counselor when he was still with his ex (I'm a bit fuzzy on that), to opine that my former boyfriend has a sex addiction. I can't remember if I mentioned earlier in the thread that he has always strongly resented the insinuation. (It's been the deal-breaker for him with two different therapists.) In any event, even before sharing the granular details, she assured me that she is keeping him firmly at arm's length. (Like me now, she's single, but a bit closer to his own age.)
As for me, moving on has been very difficult. The wound still feels very fresh and I, unfortunately, now live on the other side of town from nearly all of my friends. (This being the metro Atlanta area, it might as well be in the next state.) Was occupying myself quite well for the first week after the breakup with a greenhouse project my bestie and I are collaborating on. Unfortunately, we ran out of money for pursuing the project any further until the middle of next month when my bestie gets paid. Meantime, I'm struggling to find other adequate distractions. Disturbingly, my old friend, suicide ideation, is rearing its ugly head again. Feeling so lost and directionless without him...
* For the record, she informed me of all of this unsolicited--we weren't even talking about him when she brought it up--because, as she said, she loves and cares about me and thought I had a right to know.
Found out the other day from my 2nd best friend (best friend is also my housemate) that my ex has been chatting her up on Facebook every day since the day after he ended things with me. This is unusual only in the respect that he practically never contacted her in any way prior to the breakup. (The three of us once took a brief vacation together, which is almost the entirety of his interaction with her.) As she's notably more savvy than me navigating the world of thirsty men, she's wary of his intent, as she's been burned by rebounders and needy dudes before.*
Interestingly perhaps, subsequently filling her in a bit more about our relationship together, she's the fourth or fifth person I know of besides myself, my bestie, his ex-wife, and possibly the marriage counselor when he was still with his ex (I'm a bit fuzzy on that), to opine that my former boyfriend has a sex addiction. I can't remember if I mentioned earlier in the thread that he has always strongly resented the insinuation. (It's been the deal-breaker for him with two different therapists.) In any event, even before sharing the granular details, she assured me that she is keeping him firmly at arm's length. (Like me now, she's single, but a bit closer to his own age.)
As for me, moving on has been very difficult. The wound still feels very fresh and I, unfortunately, now live on the other side of town from nearly all of my friends. (This being the metro Atlanta area, it might as well be in the next state.) Was occupying myself quite well for the first week after the breakup with a greenhouse project my bestie and I are collaborating on. Unfortunately, we ran out of money for pursuing the project any further until the middle of next month when my bestie gets paid. Meantime, I'm struggling to find other adequate distractions. Disturbingly, my old friend, suicide ideation, is rearing its ugly head again. Feeling so lost and directionless without him...
* For the record, she informed me of all of this unsolicited--we weren't even talking about him when she brought it up--because, as she said, she loves and cares about me and thought I had a right to know.
Compatibility issue, easy as that. Ending a relationship over this was probably hard for him too. You knew it a long time already and that's nearly always the case with things like this. The way you told the story, this wasn't out of the blue at all, but started to fall apart a long time before already. Sorry that you had to get this per text though, that's on him probably being insecure about this too.
Edit: You asked him or gave him the option? Welp if you pressured him on the answer per text, you well deserved it that way as bad as it sounds. I was pressured like this too once and just had to do it per text as we were quite apart. Still got hammered for it but there was no other way anymore.
Edit: You asked him or gave him the option? Welp if you pressured him on the answer per text, you well deserved it that way as bad as it sounds. I was pressured like this too once and just had to do it per text as we were quite apart. Still got hammered for it but there was no other way anymore.
OP
OP
For those citing incompatibility as an excusable culprit, it may be worthwhile to consider this: at least according to my psychiatrist, libido is something that is in the brain. The way the body responds to that is just that: a response. The desire is still there in the mind. However, if an artificial chemical reaction (caused by, say, antidepressants) interferes with those arousal signals from the brain to the body, the response will be blunted, or even thwarted.
In short, my psych assured me that because I still wanted his body in my mind, even if my body was unable to get started, the libido was actually still there, just trapped, so to speak.
No, I'm no scientist, so I can't prove that one way or another. However, if it's true, is there really a basic incompatibility here, or is it really just a medical issue? If it is a medical issue, can that be considered incompatibility?
Not that it matters any longer at this point, for it seems the ship has sailed. But I guess just for my own reassurance, in the two weeks since the breakup, I've started taking my antidepressant only every other day. Potentially dangerous? I don't doubt it, what with the earlier-mentioned suicide ideation. But I don't think it coincidence that boom, my libido's back, mind and body (and then some), just sayin'...
In short, my psych assured me that because I still wanted his body in my mind, even if my body was unable to get started, the libido was actually still there, just trapped, so to speak.
No, I'm no scientist, so I can't prove that one way or another. However, if it's true, is there really a basic incompatibility here, or is it really just a medical issue? If it is a medical issue, can that be considered incompatibility?
Not that it matters any longer at this point, for it seems the ship has sailed. But I guess just for my own reassurance, in the two weeks since the breakup, I've started taking my antidepressant only every other day. Potentially dangerous? I don't doubt it, what with the earlier-mentioned suicide ideation. But I don't think it coincidence that boom, my libido's back, mind and body (and then some), just sayin'...
How do so many people not know that demisexuality exists?
That absolutely counts as incompatibility. ESPECIALLY since you need that medicine to live
Hi, please get help in time to break those patterns of thought. You will be loved. Breakups takes time, at least for me it hurts at least a year and life can be hard, boring and completely not worth it for long times. Gets better though.
Your living situation is obviously tough right now. I'd probably start with writing a list of things to do, doesn't have to be fun but easy activities like taking a walk or sitting outside reading.
Regarding your ex and the contact with your friend, he could be prying for information about you. Breaking up by text isn't exactly the most emotionally competent thing to do so based on the info on the forum it could be anything really but you have your friends' judgement for that.
Have you decided to move on or are you still waiting for him? Hoping?
Edit: adjusting your medication without consulting someone is not a good idea. Not saying you shouldn't do it but please make sure to do it in a safe way. Good that your body is responsive though, that's some entertainment that is free at least.
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OP
OP
She indicated that his conversation is along the lines of "I'd like to get to know you better", etc.. I didn't pry into that, as it felt pointless to do so. But I've known her for years and very much trust her impressions on this front, fwiw.
Hope always dies hard for me, particularly when I'm so invested in something. But then, I've never been as invested in anything in my life as this relationship. For good or ill, I was absolutely head over heels in love with him for the entirety of our relationship; and even still now, to a degree, despite feeling discarded.
With that said, I think I'm experienced enough now to perhaps have a more rational grip on the post-breakup reality of things vis-à-vis when my previous two serious relationships ended. (I'm more grownup and philosophical about things than I was then.) This time around, it's less despairing sadness and more just raw hurt--and possibly bitterness--over how things went down. All grieving takes time to get through, though, and I expect this one to be no different.
I am so sorry for your despair. It absolutely hurts and it sucks!
One of the things that I read a long time ago that has always stuck with me about sex in a relationship was this comment - if the sex meets both partners needs - its a small part of the relationship. If one partner is unhappy - its a majority of the relationship.
I am not saying I agree/ disagree or even understand.... it just seemed insightful
One of the things that I read a long time ago that has always stuck with me about sex in a relationship was this comment - if the sex meets both partners needs - its a small part of the relationship. If one partner is unhappy - its a majority of the relationship.
I am not saying I agree/ disagree or even understand.... it just seemed insightful
What the hell are you doing? Decreasing your meds while having suicidal ideations to "prove" to yourself that you still have a libido in some short sighted attempt to try and get your ex back is not good, at all. Im sorry your meds interfere with your libido but this is your life we're talking about, stop fucking around and get back on your meds and see your therapist.
It's true for some men. I can confirm at least that. Not interested in casual sex with a person i feel nothing for.
Best of luck OP.. Such a coward to do this by text.
Reading through this thread I see you as someone who has tried and is still trying to work out the difference that you have with the guy and you have clearly given in a lot to him. It won't be easy but to be honest I think you need to recognise that you have tried your best and that he is a asshole for doing the breakup over phone. You should not have to jeapordise your own mental health to satisfy him. Sometimes two people just aren't compatible. Maybe you will find the right one some day soon.
I can identify with the OP's ex, while I agree that breaking up over text was harsh it might be easier than doing it in person. It's hard to tell a person you love, and likely still hold some degree of affection for that it's not going to work out, especially over something as emotionally heavy as incompatible sex drives. As a man with the manliest of libido's I can attest to becoming frustrated, mopey, surly, distant, tense, and borderline angry if my sexual needs aren't met. While rationally I can understand love can exist without sexual intercourse, physically I can't. And while I can't speak to emotional state of the OP's ex, when I was in a relationship where sex was missing I honestly felt unloved. They could tell me over and over how much they loved me but nothing could ever paper over that lack of a physical connection.
Sleeping with other women meant nothing because I wasn't trying to connect to them, masturbation was just hollow self fulfillment and mismatched sex drives are unfortunately relationship killers for most men like me. It's not that I don't understand that person still loves me & has her own issues to work out, but I also felt like I wasn't in control of my hormones, of my self, or of my own state of mind. It also made regular interactions strained to the point of absurdity and even when we were physically intimate it ate away at me because I consistently felt like she was making an "effort" or was just doing it to please me. Ultimately the lack of physical intimacy gnawed away at me until I saw myself forced to end it in order to maintain sanity.
Honestly my current 10y+ relationship with my wife is much more evenly matched in terms of sex drive, we're both willing to make efforts to keep things interesting and spicy, and we both agree that having good sex is vital to making this thing work in the long run. I think in the OP's case she shouldn't feel discarded and it honestly sounds like you guys tried to make it work but sometimes relationships just hit a state they can't recover from.
Sleeping with other women meant nothing because I wasn't trying to connect to them, masturbation was just hollow self fulfillment and mismatched sex drives are unfortunately relationship killers for most men like me. It's not that I don't understand that person still loves me & has her own issues to work out, but I also felt like I wasn't in control of my hormones, of my self, or of my own state of mind. It also made regular interactions strained to the point of absurdity and even when we were physically intimate it ate away at me because I consistently felt like she was making an "effort" or was just doing it to please me. Ultimately the lack of physical intimacy gnawed away at me until I saw myself forced to end it in order to maintain sanity.
Honestly my current 10y+ relationship with my wife is much more evenly matched in terms of sex drive, we're both willing to make efforts to keep things interesting and spicy, and we both agree that having good sex is vital to making this thing work in the long run. I think in the OP's case she shouldn't feel discarded and it honestly sounds like you guys tried to make it work but sometimes relationships just hit a state they can't recover from.
I feel for the guy a bit, sexless relationships seem rough. But you can't take the baggage from one relationship to the other. and if you tried all you could to be amenable and that still wasn't enough then it's good you got shot of them tbf, as crumby as it might feel at the moment.
Even if it's medical, it's still an incompatibility because the reality of the situation is that you need to take that medication so that's how you are so to speak.
As others have said too, you probably should take that medication as recommended.
OP
OP
Admittedly, the decision to alternate days on which I take my antidepressant wasn't entirely an irrationally-emotional one. One of the issues I'm having to deal with now moving back in with my bestie is an immensely-tighter budget. The ex had been covering all of my meds for the last few years. But my bestie, whom lives on a monthly disability check, makes less than a quarter of his income, so a great deal of careful budgeting is going to be required in order to scrape by while also affording all of the necessities. (In case it was missed earlier, I myself don't have an income at all, as I am also disabled, but not deemed so by the state of Georgia.) This month, because the timing of the breakup was such a bombshell, my bestie hadn't been able to budget for my meds in advance, and I don't have enough antidepressants anyway to last me until the middle of February when she next gets $$.
Fortunately, she was able to sell a few belongings over the last few days, so that we can now go get them refilled today. So getting back to the regular dosage is definitely on the immediate agenda. It's not like I have much use for this returned libido atm being quite single with no stand-by prospects , anyway. Lol
Please OP, take your medication every day, It just doesn't work like that. You can try to lower the dosage you take daily, but please do that together with your doctor.
/edit
I see, it was a money issue. If you get into a situation like that again, try to spread out your medication as long as possible and never abruptly end taking them. Your body chemistry adjusted to the medication and will suffer withdrawal-like symptoms (it's not an addiction though), if it's suddenly missing. So if you don't have enough, try cutting the pills in half (don't know what yours look like), then quarters etc. Most important is to keep taking them regularly every day and to only slowly reduce the dosage. But yeah, best not to mess with it at all if you can help it, this is not something you should experiment on your own with.
/edit
I see, it was a money issue. If you get into a situation like that again, try to spread out your medication as long as possible and never abruptly end taking them. Your body chemistry adjusted to the medication and will suffer withdrawal-like symptoms (it's not an addiction though), if it's suddenly missing. So if you don't have enough, try cutting the pills in half (don't know what yours look like), then quarters etc. Most important is to keep taking them regularly every day and to only slowly reduce the dosage. But yeah, best not to mess with it at all if you can help it, this is not something you should experiment on your own with.
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When I started reading the first OP, I was going to defend the guy. I'm very sexual myself, I do not want a relationship that's lacking in that aspect. But as I read more and more, the more I wanted to punch that guy in the face. You did all you could OP. Screw them, you're better off. Wishing you the best.
This is all just very sad, you sound like you both cared for each other a lot despite the big hurdles set in your way. Best of luck in the future OP.
That...sounds horrible. Is there really no other way for you? Your bestie sounds a great friend and person, but you can't live like this forever...
The more I read everything the more I could understand him. There are a few things which he could have handled a bit more classy, but he surely was also frustrated to hell after all that time. Only thing I really didn't like was him talking to her other bestie, but.... I did the same a few weeks ago and I even got a new friend by doing that and I had no intentions except for wanting to talk to someone that knows her.
OP
OP
My first girlfriend broke up with me through MSN Messenger and at the time I used it in my PSP (no PC) so you can imagine how time consuming it was to write stuff lol I was heartbroken and also had the same feeling of "alright there is a break up coming" the last time I talked in person to her.
Im now 7+ years into other relationship and more often than not it takes some time to even remember her name lol. I hope you will find someone that makes your life better just like I did. And continue with your meds, not a good time to stop them (It never is). Good thing you have your bestie to support you during this difficult time.
Im now 7+ years into other relationship and more often than not it takes some time to even remember her name lol. I hope you will find someone that makes your life better just like I did. And continue with your meds, not a good time to stop them (It never is). Good thing you have your bestie to support you during this difficult time.
OP
OP
Thank you both
I'm far from the best person for solutions. Unfortunately, she's not the best at that either. But we'll definitely do all we can.
One thing we're rather hoping on is that her new greenhouse is fertile enough for us to be able to sell some of her extra produce at a local farmers market--obviously, not a bounty, but a little extra $ every month could be a huge help.
Of course, being able to do this is also contingent on there being adequate extra income from somewhere (more belongings to sell) to pay for the necessary licenses, certifications, and fees for being a market vendor. Crossing our fingers that there are no more impactful, unexpected expenses for the foreseeable future. 🤞 (Her water heater failed last fall and that was a big blow financially.)
I think the motivation and intention is solid, but yeah personally, realizing the partner isn't really into it and is only doing it out of a sense of obligation is a real moodkiller. Likewise the idea someone is treating your gratification as a challenge or wrapped up in their own thinking rather than about you.
OP
OP
I wouldn't presume to speak for her. But that brief vacay I mentioned that three of us went on, they very much enjoyed each other's company. She seems to genuinely value their friendship. (Really, everyone enjoys being around ex-bf, he's so outgoing and good-humored--at least, in a friendship-type of relationship. He reserves the moodiness and neuroses for his loved ones, for the most part.)
That said, she did make it a point of telling me, the moment he veers into "weird" territory, she's dropping the connection like a hot potato.
LMAO. Perks of a senior IT position, I guess?Someone needs to report this guy to HR. I can't believe this.
You 2 are not compatible. So I guess it's supposed to end?
It doesn't matter how he handle the break up situation, it still hurts, u still feel bad, trust me it won't make much different even if he tell you in person. So no point stay in this feeling for too long.
It's not his fault, as much as it is not your fault. If the couseling gave you one of the solution to do booty call and he didn't want it, clearly he want to have a sexual relationship with his partner rather than other person. He has his need as much as you, so don't blame him, and don't blame yourself. I hope you don't try to force him to be in a relationship that is not compatible to his need right?
Wanting more sex is not a sin. People are different. Just find whoever good for you.
It doesn't matter how he handle the break up situation, it still hurts, u still feel bad, trust me it won't make much different even if he tell you in person. So no point stay in this feeling for too long.
It's not his fault, as much as it is not your fault. If the couseling gave you one of the solution to do booty call and he didn't want it, clearly he want to have a sexual relationship with his partner rather than other person. He has his need as much as you, so don't blame him, and don't blame yourself. I hope you don't try to force him to be in a relationship that is not compatible to his need right?
Wanting more sex is not a sin. People are different. Just find whoever good for you.
Man, I need to get on that train too. I'm already half way there to be honest.
I don't know what I would do if I could "work" from home though. I would probably use a water pistol from my flat window and squirt passersby. What a good life.
Of course it's an incompatibility. If he wants mutually enjoyable sex more than you can provide, the reason doesn't change that. It just kind of puts you in a poor position. That said, breakups suck and can hurt and I can understand your disappointment/frustration that he wasn't willing to try to work through it. Try not to let it get you too low, I'm well aware of how cliche that can sound, but unfortunately with depression, it's all one can try to do some days. Hoping the year has some positive change in store for you.
Man imagine fucking all day during work days and for entire nights and then refusing to hear you're a sex addict