Bisexuals this pride month: how do you wrestle with feeling invisible or feeling like a faker?

[JiyuuTenshi]

I don't really tell anyone, but that's mostly because I don't think my sexuality is any of their business. It's on my Facebook profile if anybody bothers to check and I don't make a secret out of it either if it comes up naturally in a conversation. I'm certainly not going to claim that I'm gay or straight and if anybody can't deal with it or wants to tell me that I'm something I'm not then I'll correct them and if they can't accept that, good riddance, that's really not my problem. I'm certainly not going to hide it from a potential partner because if they can't deal with it, it certainly won't work out between us anyway.

 

[Speedlynx]

I admit as a gay man I'd have some... well, reservations about dating and forming a relationship with a bisexual man. And yes I realize most of this likely stems from insecurity. It's something I'm trying to work on.

It was mentioned that some bisexual people are either heteroromantic or homoromantic. What if I caught feelings for a bisexual man that was only romantically accepting of women? Seems like there is a lot of room for miscommunication. What about the things I can't give him that a woman can (a child, a more socially accepted and typical lifestyle, WAY more convenient sex, etc)?

 

[Weiss]

I admit as a gay man I'd have some... well, reservations about dating and forming a relationship with a bisexual man. And yes I realize most of this likely stems from insecurity. It's something I'm trying to work on.

It was mentioned that some bisexual people are either heteroromantic or homoromantic. What if I caught feelings for a bisexual man that was only romantically accepting of women? Seems like there is a lot of room for miscommunication. What about the things I can't give him that a woman can (a child, a more socially accepted and typical lifestyle, WAY more convenient sex, etc)?

Click to shrink...

It's something you need to talk through instead of assuming in them.

"They'll leave me because they want a kid eventually" is one of the most common forms of biphobia heaped onto us by the lesbian and gay community.

 

[Incandenza]

I experience attraction to men, though not as broad a range of attraction as I am with women, only really certain types. I too often feel guilty for identifying as bi when I feel like I'm not "bi enough", or because I have avoided dating men primarily so far since, as someone with social anxiety, I have a deep fear of any social stigma or discomfort that might be attached to dating the same sex. Even living in a very liberal area, I struggle with the feeling that I would stick out. Especially when it's not like there's any shortage of women out there I could be happy with, it feels like, why expose myself to that risk? But as a result I also feel like a total fraud identifying as bi because I can't "prove it," and often fear that I'm taking advantage of the queer movement by labeling myself as such.

 

[Aarglefarg]

I admit as a gay man I'd have some... well, reservations about dating and forming a relationship with a bisexual man. And yes I realize most of this likely stems from insecurity. It's something I'm trying to work on.

It was mentioned that some bisexual people are either heteroromantic or homoromantic. What if I caught feelings for a bisexual man that was only romantically accepting of women? Seems like there is a lot of room for miscommunication. What about the things I can't give him that a woman can (a child, a more socially accepted and typical lifestyle, WAY more convenient sex, etc)?

Click to shrink...

Bi people can also be biromantic, aromantic or anything else. It's not restricted to either homo- or heteroromantic.

EDIT: Sorry, I didn't see the 'some' either time I read it.

 

[Mekanos]

I'm 99.99999999% sure I never want kids so don't worry about that lol

 

[echoshifting]

Bi people can also be biromantic, aromantic or anything else. It's not restricted to either homo- or heteroromantic.

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Yeah, my bad stating it like that earlier in the thread, sorry to those I excluded, and for any confusion I caused.

 

[Siggy-P]

The first time I actually realised I was bi was when Jim Sterling came out (though I believe he's since specified it as pan so correct me there if need be). Up until that point for some reason the mere idea of being bi just wasn't something that I'd heard of outside the existance of the word. Like I don't know what I thought before but I remember reading "I can be married to a woman and still attracted to men." And it was like eye opening for me.

And I feel that, my attraction to women is greater, but not because I'm naturally attracted to women more but more that women are sexualised more. At first I just thought thought "I'm still mostly for women but I can appreciate good looking guys". Then once I'd accepted that it sort of spiralled into slaccepting stronger feelings that were actually always there all along.

Gay men to them is just meat and women is where their hearts goes to.

Click to shrink...

What an intelligent and nuanced conversation you have been deprived of.

 

[Loxley]

I experience attraction to men, though not as broad a range of attraction as I am with women, only really certain types. I too often feel guilty for identifying as bi when I feel like I'm not "bi enough", or because I have avoided dating men primarily so far since, as someone with social anxiety, I have a deep fear of any social stigma or discomfort that might be attached to dating the same sex. Even living in a very liberal area, I struggle with the feeling that I would stick out. Especially when it's not like there's any shortage of women out there I could be happy with, it feels like, why expose myself to that risk? But as a result I also feel like a total fraud identifying as bi because I can't "prove it," and often fear that I'm taking advantage of the queer movement by labeling myself as such.

Click to shrink...

This is more or less my situation exactly. I identify as a bisexual man and I find myself attracted to more women than men, but I absolutely am attracted to men. Just not to the same degree as women for whatever reason. As such there have definitely been times where I don't feel like I'm "bisexual enough". It's a ridiculous notion obviously, it's not like there's some official quota you have to reach to call yourself bisexual, but the thought still does cross my mind on occasion.

 

[Konradleijon]

ops forum noob.

 

[Konradleijon]

And I feel that, my attraction to women is greater, but not because I'm naturally attracted to women more but more that women are sexualised more. At first I just thought thought "I'm still mostly for women but I can appreciate good looking guys". Then once I'd accepted that it sort of spiralled into slaccepting stronger feelings that were actually always there all along.

Click to shrink...

me to

 

[Charcoal]

I've only come out to my wife and now you losers, but it's been hard.

If I was braver, I would talk about it more openly in my regular life but I don't want to be accused of anything or deal with peoples questions. It's a shame since whenever I am able to actually talk about it, it makes me feel a lot better about myself and who I am. The only time I look in the mirror and like what I see is when I've been able to be open about this.

Click to shrink...

I'm in the same boat. I view myself as bi but I've never had a relationship with another man. My wife is bi and has had several relationships with other women, but I feel weird whenever the subject comes up because of it.

I understand completely, OP.

 

[Mortemis]

one of my ex's would tell me that "bisexuality doesnt work that way" when i talked about how i dated men but still was attracted to women despite it being a long while since i had dated or had sex with one. my attraction to women was always a part of me my whole life but men frequently would tell me if i wasnt with a woman now or actively with women that i wasn't "bisexual enough" or "really bisexual". it was always infuriating but i realized as i got older the opinion of straight white men on my sexuality doesn't mean shit.

you can be 90% into men and 10% into women
you can be 95% into women and 5% into men
you can be 30% into men and 70% into women

it literally doesn't matter. you are bisexual no matter what anyone else tells you and there is no such thing as "bisexual enough".

(also, after getting out of that relationship, i slept with a lot of people both male, female, nonbinary, and everything in between to figure out what I was. Ultimately came out as queer and it was the most freeing moment in my life to embrace my sexuality for my own without judgement. )

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Thank you for this post and thanks for making this thread OP. It's a pretty sensitive topic for me, doubly so since this is honestly the first time I'm talking to anyone, online or not, about this. I'm from an very religious immigrant community so sexuality isn't the easiest thing to talk about. I do have good friends, but I've never really felt comfortable talking about this, well until now after until reading other's experiences on it.

When I was a young teenager, I had a lot of confusion about my sexuality, if I was really gay or not, and honestly fear about what would happen if I was. It kinda went away as I got older as I became more confident that my attraction to women was real, and repressed/never acted on my attraction to men.

More recently, I've started on my own journey, a bit like yours, to find out what I really am and what label I would feel comfortable with. I felt a bit guilty calling myself bi-sexual since it's not 50/50, but after your post, I feel a lot more comfortable in calling myself bi, and honestly I feel like a weight's been lifted. For now, I think what makes me the most comfortable is staying loose with terms, and continuing to learn more about myself. I haven't even put much thought into whether I'm hetero-romantic or not as others in this thread have mentioned, but in general this thread has been great for me.

Thanks to everyone who's posted in this thread. I feel dumb being emotional writing out this little bit about myself, but it's big to me, even if it's to internet semi-strangers.

The fact I've never been with a guy after years of saying that I'm bi does make me wish I never said anything to my friends. Part of me worries that they think I'm a liar behind my back; it's a shitty feeling. What makes it easier for me is that I'm somewhat picky about who I come out to, so at least there aren't too many people to feel awkward around. At this point I'm considering meeting someone on a dating site just to prove my sexuality once and for all. Not sure if that's the most sensible thing to do, but I suppose it's one way to deal with the problem.

Click to shrink...

This is a fear I have with coming out as bi to people, even if they're more open minded. What if I never actually get with a guy, will they think of me as a liar? Can I be a part of the queer community even if I never go through the challenges and hardships most do? "Proving it" feels like a consequence of being in a hetero-normative society where straight is default, but I think it's best for me not to worry much about it.

 

[IMCaprica]

Pansexual trans woman chiming in to say if you're bi you're valid and people who try to say otherwise are fucking assholes who deserve to be dragged. My identifying as bi was brief, as I was still determining my sexuality. So I can't say I know what it means like to be considered a sexuality faker (that's apparently reserved for my gender). I have heard "wtf is pansexual" about a million times though, so the invisibility thing resonates with me. Too many people in the LGBTQ+ community don't even really think about those who exist outside of their own section. It defeats the purpose of a shared community, and it's infuriating.

Bi people don't get the respect they deserve and it sucks. But if you ever need someone to be put in their place just say the word and I'm there for you.

 

[Mekanos]

I just want to say I appreciate everyone chiming in and people who are saying this is the first time they're vocalizing it. Let's all try to be a little less invisible together!

 

[Konradleijon]

I know sexuality is more complicated then people think.

 

[StopMakingSense]

As a bisexual/pansexual man who is ending a straight marriage of 15 years this week, I'm really at a crossroads as to how to go about life as a bisexual. A handful of people know, including my very supportive soon to be exwife. I just struggle with even how I view myself after having been in a very specific (and normative) role for so long.

This specific topic also makes me anxious about opening up as bi, but at a certain point once I kinda get all my ducks in a row post divorce I'm gonna try to live and be out as a bisexual.

 

[Matsukaze]

I've been openly bi for years now, but I can keenly recall my experiences being closeted. Back when I was a teenager in school, I was surrounded by people from conservative Catholic families; not a lot of open-mindedness for anything LGBTQIA, to say the least. Somewhere in my mid teens, it dawned on me that my interest in other boys and my interest in girls were both permanent parts of me. Neither was some temporary confusion or hormonal quirk. Previously, my mindset could be summed up as "Well, I am straight... I think?... maybe... er... huh..."

I realized that being openly interested in guys, gals, and non-binary pals was not going to be warmly received by most folks, so I kept it to myself at first. Still, I couldn't bring myself to willingly associate with bigots at school, so when I found out Person X said something anti-LGBTQIA, it was basically a case of mentally going "Okay, so there's an enemy". I guess some folks started noticing a pattern because some of the more loud-mouthed Hitler Youth decided to come after me when they realized I was staunchly pro-LGBTQIA. You can probably figure out what words I heard on a regular basis, even though I hadn't come out yet.

University was liberating; once I was free to start anew, surrounded by new people in an environment that was much more open-minded than that to which I was accustomed, I decided it was safe to seek out other LGBTQIA people. What I found was a mixed bag. Most of the folks I encountered were exactly what I needed in my life; they were open about their experiences and tolerant of the other parts of the community. However, I also learned first-hand that certain gays and lesbians really, really think the community is "LG & Those Undesirable Letters". It was shocking to encounter hostility and prejudice from people whom I (naively) expected to welcome me warmly. It was an eye-opening experience, but it definitely helped me learn.

In truth, I think the only people I personally *needed* to accept me were my family members. My parents and my sisters all supported me when I came out; I like to think that if I had come out to my grandparents before they passed, they also would have supported me. When it came to friends or romantic interests, I obviously wanted support, but in the back of my mind, I knew that if their opinion of me changed, I could always kick their asses to the curb. And lo, some people didn't take kindly to learning I was bi, and it fucking sucked, but in time, I came to accept that their presence could never have benefited me if they couldn't even handle my bisexuality. I'm not some dog begging to be scratched behind the ears. Still, I knew I wouldn't have been able to handle that if it had been my family rejecting me, but life was merciful and there were no problems on that end.

Fast forward a few years. Nowadays, I'm typically in "give no fucks" mode. If I confirm I'm bi and someone has an issue with that, I'll try to educate them if I read them and think they genuinely would take it to heart, but otherwise, fuck em. Gay or straight, if you try to shit on bisexuality, I'll come after you with a vengeance lol.

 

[Gio]

This is a fear I have with coming out as bi to people, even if they're more open minded. What if I never actually get with a guy, will they think of me as a liar? Can I be a part of the queer community even if I never go through the challenges and hardships most do? "Proving it" feels like a consequence of being in a hetero-normative society where straight is default, but I think it's best for me not to worry much about it.

Click to shrink...

Big mood. I hate to admit it but straight hegemony does get under my skin and it's difficult not to feel insecure about it.

 

[Alavard]

This is a fear I have with coming out as bi to people, even if they're more open minded. What if I never actually get with a guy, will they think of me as a liar? Can I be a part of the queer community even if I never go through the challenges and hardships most do? "Proving it" feels like a consequence of being in a hetero-normative society where straight is default, but I think it's best for me not to worry much about it.

Click to shrink...

This also touches on another thing bi/pan people face, which is that you may feel like you're coming out your entire life. If you're monogamous and in long term relationships, people are going to see you social with only one gender at a time. New people you meet socially are going to assume you're gay or straight based on your current relationship. So you may continue to have coming out moments.

 

[echoshifting]

This is a fear I have with coming out as bi to people, even if they're more open minded. What if I never actually get with a guy, will they think of me as a liar? Can I be a part of the queer community even if I never go through the challenges and hardships most do? "Proving it" feels like a consequence of being in a hetero-normative society where straight is default, but I think it's best for me not to worry much about it.

Click to shrink...

One thing that I think is key for bisexual people to remember when coming out to anyone, or even being in a supportive LGBTQ+ space, is that you don't have to prove anything to anyone and you aren't obligated to share more about your sexual history than you want to. I don't think it comes from a bad place (most of the time), but people will often ask you prying questions about this stuff, and you kinda have to get used to sticking to your guns and setting down a boundary whenever someone asks you a question you aren't comfortable answering. Determine how much you are comfortable telling that person before you start the conversation. You would be surprised the questions people are comfortable asking bi people who just came out to them. It can get a *lot* more personal than "have you ever been with someone of the same sex"

 

[UCBooties]

I just don't engage with the LGBT community at this point outside of specific activism spaces. I've never felt welcome, pride just depresses me after a few years of trying to participate, and now that I am in a "straight passing" relationship it comes up less and less.

 

[Mortemis]

Big mood. I hate to admit it but straight hegemony does get under my skin and it's difficult not to feel insecure about it.

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For sure. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't insecure about it, but like echoshifting said, in the end I have nothing to prove to anyone but myself.

This also touches on another thing bi/pan people face, which is that you may feel like you're coming out your entire life. If you're monogamous and in long term relationships, people are going to see you social with only one gender at a time. New people you meet socially are going to assume you're gay or straight based on your current relationship. So you may continue to have coming out moments.

Click to shrink...

It's weird to think about coming out your entire life, but it makes sense. I'll keep that in mind, thanks.

One thing that I think is key for bisexual people to remember when coming out to anyone, or even being in a supportive LGBTQ+ space, is that you don't have to prove anything to anyone and you aren't obligated to share more about your sexual history than you want to. I don't think it comes from a bad place (most of the time), but people will often ask you prying questions about this stuff, and you kinda have to get used to sticking to your guns and setting down a boundary whenever someone asks you a question you aren't comfortable answering. Determine how much you are comfortable telling that person before you start the conversation. You would be surprised the questions people are comfortable asking bi people who just came out to them. It can get a *lot* more personal than "have you ever been with someone of the same sex"

Click to shrink...

I'll definitely keep this to heart, thanks! Setting boundaries for myself is something I'll need to do. So long as I'm confident in myself, proving anything to others won't matter.

 

[SageShinigami]

Black bi dude who already feels invisible in the LGBTQ+ community due to my race so I don't care to have it known or really feel interested in being involved.

Click to shrink...

Hey, welcome to the club lol. Nothing better than having conversations with people who say "it's impossible to be bisexual, you'd just be gay". :P

 

[JiyuuTenshi]

Yeah, a lot of people seem to assume that you settle for one gender at some point. If you aren't frequently switching between male and female partners, they seem to believe that you gave up on one of them. Even my mom asked me at some point if I could still see myself with a girl after I've only been with guys for a while.

No, I don't stop liking girls just because I happen to meet more guys that I get along well with, it's just something that happens because of my social circle. I've even been on a date with a girl I met on a dating platform during that time, but it just didn't work out, not because of her gender, but because we just didn't click.

I just don't care if it's a guy or a girl. If I get along with them, I get along with them. If I'm attracted to them, I'm attracted to them. I don't care if I'm equally with guys and girls, I feel fortunate that I can be with whoever I get along with, regardless of gender.

 

[phonicjoy]

Now that I've come out to a couple of friends it seems more real. I'm heteroromantic AFAIK and that does cause some cognitive disonance. And it makes it kind of tough to come out to family. Honestly they dont need to know what genitals I like to fondle. But on the other hand I'd like people to know who I am, and my sexuality is a big part of that.

 

[saturnineCarrier]

Just want to say thanks to people expressing themselves in this thread. It's a complicated topic, and reading about your experiences is helpful in better understanding myself.

 

[Sai]

The first person I ever seriously dated was a man, and as a man I definitely experienced some kind of impostor syndrome after we broke up. I definitely knew I was bi, but I wondered and worried about what everyone else in my life would think if I dated another man, or even what they'd think if I dated a woman.

Turns out that once I met someone who supported me and loved me for who I was, I stopped giving a shit.

That said, some people were still shitty to me, or us, because of it. I definitely read pretty queer at first glance, so while we were out together, dudes would definitely hit on her and not be satisfied with the "I have a boyfriend and he's right there" answer, and we'd both have various 'friends' question the nature of our relationship solely based on the fact that I'm bi, which I found incredibly disrespectful. Thankfully, we cut those people out and managed to stay pretty drama-free.

I'm dating someone else now, but they're also very supportive, and I can tell you that I sincerely don't question myself even a bit anymore, and I'm happy to call out someone's biphobic shit if they wanna try it with me.

<3 y'all bi folks. we're great and deserve nothin but the best.

 

[Pirate Bae]

The only thing that kind of irritates me is that people automatically assume I'm gay just because I'm in a committed relationship with a woman. I'm actually bisexual but a lot of people I talk to think it's just a "cop out" or whatever.

 

[Pandora012]

Pansexual trans woman chiming in to say if you're bi you're valid and people who try to say otherwise are fucking assholes who deserve to be dragged. My identifying as bi was brief, as I was still determining my sexuality. So I can't say I know what it means like to be considered a sexuality faker (that's apparently reserved for my gender). I have heard "wtf is pansexual" about a million times though, so the invisibility thing resonates with me. Too many people in the LGBTQ+ community don't even really think about those who exist outside of their own section. It defeats the purpose of a shared community, and it's infuriating.

Bi people don't get the respect they deserve and it sucks. But if you ever need someone to be put in their place just say the word and I'm there for you.

Click to shrink...

Sooo, I just got to say. Your post made my day.

 

[Leo]

Where I live, I have met very few bi people in my life, and none of them were man. I wonder why that is, probably because a lot of said straight men I knew were actually bi. I actually have two male friends who identify as straight but also have told me they are attracted to men. Many others are probably the same.

I think part of the problem is that, for gay guys in general, an out bi man is kind of a mythic entity, something that they have only heard about or seen in movies, and they tend to fetishize about it. They are the (lame, but real) myth of the straight man that would have sex with another man just for fun. And, no need to say, bi girls are also fetishized by straight guys a lot. And, as with all people who are fetishized, very few people actually consider the possibility of full commitment with them.

I think that would change if bisexuality were more talked about and more common, as in, more bi people were out. Hopefully the community (both queer and not) will evolve to create a space where more bi people feel comfortable to come out and everybody will have a more natural attitude towards bisexuality in general.

 

[Goodlifr]

Sorry, don't know why this has come to me, but just had a realisation that every woman I've had sex with has either later come out as gay, or I'd known was bi at the time (or in my SO's case, later kind of come out as bi)

Hardly relevant to this thread, I know, but reading through just made me have this realisation and I'm kind of in shock now (not in a bad way, just surprised)

 

[Aske]

And I feel that, my attraction to women is greater, but not because I'm naturally attracted to women more but more that women are sexualised more.

Click to shrink...

You just blew my fucking mind.

You're absolutely right. Men aren't culturally objectified in the same way women are. They're not served up on a platter for the male gaze as a matter of course. No wonder my brain isn't conditioned to relate to them in the same way.

Am I way more queer than I thought, but had that aspect of my sexuality stunted because I'm hyper-exposed to sexualised women in our overwhelmingly heteronormative mainstream media?

 

[Nilson]

i haven't told my family that im bi yet

i don't think it would be a huge ordeal, but even tho as a whole my family is pretty liberal, we never really talk much about love/sex/relationships

i should still tell them sooner than later

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Feelin this post pretty hard rn

 

[Aske]

Pansexual trans woman chiming in to say if you're bi you're valid and people who try to say otherwise are fucking assholes who deserve to be dragged. My identifying as bi was brief, as I was still determining my sexuality. So I can't say I know what it means like to be considered a sexuality faker (that's apparently reserved for my gender). I have heard "wtf is pansexual" about a million times though, so the invisibility thing resonates with me. Too many people in the LGBTQ+ community don't even really think about those who exist outside of their own section. It defeats the purpose of a shared community, and it's infuriating.

Bi people don't get the respect they deserve and it sucks. But if you ever need someone to be put in their place just say the word and I'm there for you.

Click to shrink...

Thank you so, so much for this. It's increasingly upsetting to hear certain members of the LGTQ+ community treat bisexuality like it's pansexuality for transphobes. The reality for me is that I'm not oriented to find hyper-masculine men romantically or sexually compatible. It doesn't feel as simple as just not being into, say, bears, or lumbersexual types. It's about so much more than just a look. I'm not wired to be attracted to those I relate to as "too masculine" in a visceral, magnetically opposing way. That's not to say I'm not attracted to men who identify as cis; it's purely about my subjective perception of the gender continuum. But that's why I consider myself bisexual and not pansexual, and I am so fucking appreciative of you for those words of support. I don't expect understating from straight people, but hot damn does it ever hurt when hurtful ignorance comes from queer people; and I never seen to get used to it.

 

[Deleted member 60295]

Thank you so, so much for this. It's increasingly upsetting to hear certain members of the LGTQ+ community treat bisexuality like it's pansexuality for transphobes. The reality for me is that I'm not oriented to find hyper-masculine men romantically or sexually compatible. It doesn't feel as simple as just not being into, say, bears, or lumbersexual types. It's about so much more than just a look. I'm not wired to be attracted to those I relate to as "too masculine" in a visceral, magnetically opposing way. That's not to say I'm not attracted to men who identify as cis; it's purely about my subjective perception of the gender continuum. But that's why I consider myself bisexual and not pansexual, and I am so fucking appreciative of you for those words of support. I don't expect understating from straight people, but hot damn does it ever hurt when hurtful ignorance comes from queer people; and I never seen to get used to it.

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The entire idea that bi or pan people can't have preferences is completely fucking bullshit. I identify as pansexual because gender identity has zero bearing on who I'm attracted to. But hat doesn't mean I'm interested in fucking literally everyone on the planet. Like, sorry beefcakes, but I'm just not into ya'll. I prefer people who look more like me, regardless of whether they're male, female, nonbinary, etc. Massive hulking muscles just don't do anything for me. But that has literally no bearing on whether or nor I'm pansexual. And I AM pansexual. Deal with it, bigots.

(And thank you so much for all the continued support ya'll have been giving bi/pan people on this site. This place is far from perfect, but I feel more welcome here than I do on most other places on the internet.... to say nothing of real life.)

 

[hateradio]

I am a bisexual male. Well not really a male but that is unimportant to the point.

Despite the amount of dicks I have sucked, dicks I've taken during sex, it is very true that bisexual people are considered cowards at best, trendy ladies. at best.

Just because I've never dated a gay man I am considered straight As far as lgbtq+ goes.

I have literally been told to my face that I am just a closeted gay person who can't accept myself.

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Those people are fucking idiots.

 

[Fanto]

The idea that bi or even pan people can't still have preferences is completely fucking bullshit.

Click to shrink...

This x1000 for sure. I don't just look at anyone and automatically find them to be attractive just because I'm bi lol.

-----

Really enjoying this thread, it's been making me feel a bit less invisible during Pride Month so far just seeing all the similar experiences and internal thoughts.

 

[KingFrost92]

I came out as bi to very close friends, and my wife last year. I have been attracted to men for much of my life, as well as women, but have tampered down many of those feelings because of an upbringing in the Christian faith. My family still doesn't know, but I have an extremely supportive friend group and partner, so things have been fine (as someone really involved in musical theater I guess it wasn't much of a surprise to them), but I 100% identify with OP's issue. I feel often like I can't participate in a lot of pride events and that culture because of my marriage. I don't feel like I'm missing out on that per se, but much of the discourse feels pretty inaccessible to me as a bi male.

 

[Bing147]

Guess I'll write this, no harm in it really. I came to terms with being bi/maybe pan a few years ago, but I haven't come out to anyone in my life and I don't know if I will honestly. I'm happily married and in a committed relationship with my wife of 6.5 years who I've been with for nearly 10 years. I'm very happy with out relationship emotionally, sexually, I'm not looking to go outside of that nor would she be okay with that which I completely respect. I wouldn't be okay with her doing so either.

I do find myself attracted to a much wider variety of women then men. With men, I have a type that I'm mostly into. Women, I'm attracted to a wide variety of types. As a result, even if I was single again in the future for some reason, I find it much more likely that I'd end up with another woman than a man. I would be open to either though and I do think if I was single I would come out. It just really doesn't seem relevant to my day to day life as is. That said, I've considered it anyway just because in some way it is a part of me and I guess a part of me would like those I love to know me fully. I don't really want to deal with people projecting things onto me as a result of it though. I may do it at some point, at least with my wife and a few close friends/family. I guess time will tell.

 

[Kurita]

you can be 90% into men and 10% into women
you can be 95% into women and 5% into men
you can be 30% into men and 70% into women

it literally doesn't matter. you are bisexual no matter what anyone else tells you and there is no such thing as "bisexual enough".

Click to shrink...

This is something I realized recently and it definitely helped. No need to have a perfect 50/50 split.
In my case I'm definitely more attracted to women, but my attraction towards men is not 0, and that's all that matters to me. It's there, period, regardless of the "degree".
If someone else feels like I don't meet the "quota" required to earn the bisexual status, whatever lol

 

[lvl 99 Pixel]

I know sexuality is more complicated then people think.

Click to shrink...

Understatement of the century

 

[Antiwhippy]

I admit as a gay man I'd have some... well, reservations about dating and forming a relationship with a bisexual man. And yes I realize most of this likely stems from insecurity. It's something I'm trying to work on.

It was mentioned that some bisexual people are either heteroromantic or homoromantic. What if I caught feelings for a bisexual man that was only romantically accepting of women? Seems like there is a lot of room for miscommunication. What about the things I can't give him that a woman can (a child, a more socially accepted and typical lifestyle, WAY more convenient sex, etc)?

Click to shrink...

I say this as a bi. and this goes for both sides btw, but I always wondered, how is this really any different from another gay man who might not reciprocate romantically?

It's really just something that should be established in the first place if you want to form a long, serious relationship either way. No matter the orientation. Straight people can also not want children too. Gay people can want to have children.

And convenience in sex? I'm bi and prefer to be a bottom, so theoretically a gay relationship is way more convenient lol.

 

[Sawneeks]

just shout outs and love to all the Bi folks posting and lurking. <3

you're all part of this LGBTQ+ family and anyone who tries to tell you that you're not can rightly fuck off.

 

[MrKlaw]

It's something you need to talk through instead of assuming in them.

"They'll leave me because they want a kid eventually" is one of the most common forms of biphobia heaped onto us by the lesbian and gay community.

Click to shrink...

Isn't that similar to heterosexual relationships too? Some may want kids, some not. Some may be more into commitment, some will want to take it slow/keep it casual. There are a million what ifs for any relationship, most/all of which come down to the interpersonal connections you make with each other and your own personal preferences/life goals etc.

if you're a gay man, why feel insecure about a bisexual man? if they're into you, they're into you. Is that relationship more or less likely to break up because they're bisexual vs a relationshiop with a gay man? Surely the answer is they're both dependent on the person, not their sexuality?

 

[boy power]

Isn't that similar to heterosexual relationships too? Some may want kids, some not. Some may be more into commitment, some will want to take it slow/keep it casual. There are a million what ifs for any relationship, most/all of which come down to the interpersonal connections you make with each other and your own personal preferences/life goals etc.

if you're a gay man, why feel insecure about a bisexual man? if they're into you, they're into you. Is that relationship more or less likely to break up because they're bisexual vs a relationshiop with a gay man? Surely the answer is they're both dependent on the person, not their sexuality?

Click to shrink...

Well, as a gay man, it's all about the kind of f**k'd up power structures. When a gay man and a bisexual man enters a relationship, it's business as usual for the gay man, but for the bisexual man, especially if they have only been in relationships with the opposite sex, they are about to lose all that perceived hetero privileges that come with being in a hetero relationship. And that just sparks a question of '' am I really worth that much to lose out on all that privilege? '' for me. How can I ensure that I am worth losing out on all those privileges? Obviously I can be the best boyfriend I can be, but is that enough for the extra baggage a same sex relationship piles on you? How am I going to make up for all those privileges you might lose?

Same sex relationships aren't easy. On top of being like any other relationship where two people will end up facing issues here and there, there are also the heteronormative, patriarchal structures that affect our lives as a gay couple. Contrary to the (probably) popular belief, same sex relationship aren't fully accepted, and there are a lot of issues we still have to face, discrimination etc. Are you ready to potentially lose friends or family, and have them not understand your relationship? Are you ready to continuously come out to new people even at the cost of their disapproval? Are you ready to not be able to do even extremely light PDA, because it might be dangerous to do so? Are you ready to go through the difficult and costly road full of obstacles to have a family? Are you ready to face the discrimination that comes with being in a same sex relationship, when you could just take the '' easy way out '' and date someone of the opposite sex. This might seem like I'm making a mockery of bisexuals, but I'm not, I'm sure a lot of bisexuals are well aware of the realities of gay relationships, but that doesn't stop ME from being insecure about things. So this is more of a ME issue, rather than an issue with bisexual (men), obviously.

You might say '' if you love a person, that's all that matters '' which is true to an extent, but I don't really have that much of a romanticized, Hollywood Disney-esque image of love. To me, love boils down to those feelings of love, but also convenience. It's convenient to live life as a couple, but same sex relationships do come with baggage. It's a baggage gay people are very well aware of and are ready to face, it's just the reality of the world. But the reality for bisexuals is different, as they can choose whether they participate in same sex relationships or not.

As a TL;DR, this all really boils down to the question of '' am I good enough, am I worth losing out on all the privileges you could have with an opposite sex partner? '' Because I can't imagine a more hurtful breakup than one where a partner tells me same sex relationships are too much baggage. And I'm completely aware that the chances are that a relationship is going to end because of many other things, so, call it an irrational fear. As I've said before, I'm completely aware that is is MY issue, but it IS an issue that I try to work through. But it's also something I'm not afraid to speak about with a potential bisexual partner. I'm well equipped to do that, I'm good with having those uncomfortable discussions.

All the love for bisexuals on this Pride month regardless.

 

[Prax]

I think I mentioned this in another bi thread, but I don't really feel the need to discuss my sexuality much, and part of it is because my one and only relationship was a heterosexual one, and now I am married to him (7 years married and 17 together overall!) so I am kind of "locked in" to one kind of life barring things like death and divorce haha.

So although I do identify as bi (or even pan, but bi is just easier to explain if it's brought up) I don't really have much need for support from LGBT+ culture, but am myself supportive and have family and friends who identify in all spectrums of queer.

Not that it stops me from watching whatever porn I want or flirting a bit ;) . Being bi is more of a "neat fact" about me than anything really important in that sense, I think.

It was in undergrad where I learned that there are many men who engage in sexual acts with other men, but as long as they aren't being penetrated, they identify as "straight". I think in the same vein, people can have more rigid ideas of what roles they want to live socially and will just slot themselves one way or another despite behavioral dissonance.

I think people's realtionships to their sexuality, presentation, social roles, and gender, can be very complicated, so the exact labels aren't that overall important. What's important is self-knowledge, so I think if figuring out you are "actually" bisexual or whatever other identity helps you, then it's good for you. And if it doesn't help you, then nevermind. Just be who you are and don't think you have to prove anything to anyone.

As a more lighthearted aside, I make a lot of fictional characters who have complicated or frustrating relationships with these identities and social roles, and it has helped me broaden my understanding of people by doing so! I pretty much didn't know some types of people really existed until I role-played as them, which is pretty cool and fun.

It also helped me understand some of the trepidations or insecurities more strictly gay or straight people might have when potentially starting a relationship with someone bi or pan. We all want to be "enough" and also "special" to the person we're with, and the fear of being replaced by an unknown variable we have no control of can undermine a lot of confidence. It makes sense if you have had bad experiences, you would become more guarded with your heart, but I think if love is ever going to be worth it, you should at least take the chance to communicate with each person you are with to understand the shape of your relationship and grow that confidence.

 

[Speedlynx]

Well, as a gay man, it's all about the kind of f**k'd up power structures. When a gay man and a bisexual man enters a relationship, it's business as usual for the gay man, but for the bisexual man, especially if they have only been in relationships with the opposite sex, they are about to lose all that perceived hetero privileges that come with being in a hetero relationship. And that just sparks a question of '' am I really worth that much to lose out on all that privilege? '' for me. How can I ensure that I am worth losing out on all those privileges? Obviously I can be the best boyfriend I can be, but is that enough for the extra baggage a same sex relationship piles on you? How am I going to make up for all those privileges you might lose?

Same sex relationships aren't easy. On top of being like any other relationship where two people will end up facing issues here and there, there are also the heteronormative, patriarchal structures that affect our lives as a gay couple. Contrary to the (probably) popular belief, same sex relationship aren't fully accepted, and there are a lot of issues we still have to face, discrimination etc. Are you ready to potentially lose friends or family, and have them not understand your relationship? Are you ready to continuously come out to new people even at the cost of their disapproval? Are you ready to not be able to do even extremely light PDA, because it might be dangerous to do so? Are you ready to go through the difficult and costly road full of obstacles to have a family? Are you ready to face the discrimination that comes with being in a same sex relationship, when you could just take the '' easy way out '' and date someone of the opposite sex. This might seem like I'm making a mockery of bisexuals, but I'm not, I'm sure a lot of bisexuals are well aware of the realities of gay relationships, but that doesn't stop ME from being insecure about things. So this is more of a ME issue, rather than an issue with bisexual (men), obviously.

You might say '' if you love a person, that's all that matters '' which is true to an extent, but I don't really have that much of a romanticized, Hollywood Disney-esque image of love. To me, love boils down to those feelings of love, but also convenience. It's convenient to live life as a couple, but same sex relationships do come with baggage. It's a baggage gay people are very well aware of and are ready to face, it's just the reality of the world. But the reality for bisexuals is different, as they can choose whether they participate in same sex relationships or not.

As a TL;DR, this all really boils down to the question of '' am I good enough, am I worth losing out on all the privileges you could have with an opposite sex partner? '' Because I can't imagine a more hurtful breakup than one where a partner tells me same sex relationships are too much baggage. And I'm completely aware that the chances are that a relationship is going to end because of many other things, so, call it an irrational fear. As I've said before, I'm completely aware that is is MY issue, but it IS an issue that I try to work through. But it's also something I'm not afraid to speak about with a potential bisexual partner. I'm well equipped to do that, I'm good with having those uncomfortable discussions.

All the love for bisexuals on this Pride month regardless.

Click to shrink...

This was well written and articulates a lot of my thoughts and feelings on the matter, thank you ^^

 

[Mekanos]

Well, as a gay man, it's all about the kind of f**k'd up power structures. When a gay man and a bisexual man enters a relationship, it's business as usual for the gay man, but for the bisexual man, especially if they have only been in relationships with the opposite sex, they are about to lose all that perceived hetero privileges that come with being in a hetero relationship. And that just sparks a question of '' am I really worth that much to lose out on all that privilege? '' for me. How can I ensure that I am worth losing out on all those privileges? Obviously I can be the best boyfriend I can be, but is that enough for the extra baggage a same sex relationship piles on you? How am I going to make up for all those privileges you might lose?

Same sex relationships aren't easy. On top of being like any other relationship where two people will end up facing issues here and there, there are also the heteronormative, patriarchal structures that affect our lives as a gay couple. Contrary to the (probably) popular belief, same sex relationship aren't fully accepted, and there are a lot of issues we still have to face, discrimination etc. Are you ready to potentially lose friends or family, and have them not understand your relationship? Are you ready to continuously come out to new people even at the cost of their disapproval? Are you ready to not be able to do even extremely light PDA, because it might be dangerous to do so? Are you ready to go through the difficult and costly road full of obstacles to have a family? Are you ready to face the discrimination that comes with being in a same sex relationship, when you could just take the '' easy way out '' and date someone of the opposite sex. This might seem like I'm making a mockery of bisexuals, but I'm not, I'm sure a lot of bisexuals are well aware of the realities of gay relationships, but that doesn't stop ME from being insecure about things. So this is more of a ME issue, rather than an issue with bisexual (men), obviously.

You might say '' if you love a person, that's all that matters '' which is true to an extent, but I don't really have that much of a romanticized, Hollywood Disney-esque image of love. To me, love boils down to those feelings of love, but also convenience. It's convenient to live life as a couple, but same sex relationships do come with baggage. It's a baggage gay people are very well aware of and are ready to face, it's just the reality of the world. But the reality for bisexuals is different, as they can choose whether they participate in same sex relationships or not.

As a TL;DR, this all really boils down to the question of '' am I good enough, am I worth losing out on all the privileges you could have with an opposite sex partner? '' Because I can't imagine a more hurtful breakup than one where a partner tells me same sex relationships are too much baggage. And I'm completely aware that the chances are that a relationship is going to end because of many other things, so, call it an irrational fear. As I've said before, I'm completely aware that is is MY issue, but it IS an issue that I try to work through. But it's also something I'm not afraid to speak about with a potential bisexual partner. I'm well equipped to do that, I'm good with having those uncomfortable discussions.

All the love for bisexuals on this Pride month regardless.

Click to shrink...

I think there's almost always going to be a risk of that regardless. I've been in interracial relationships and am aware of how people on the outside might perceive that, and that there are certain parts of the country/world where we couldn't hold hands in public. For me, if I love the person enough, I don't care, and I've never met anyone who felt otherwise.