I'm very selective to who I come out too. So far I've all I've gotten is acceptance which is cool, but I do see the shit some people get for coming out as bi which makes me nervous. I do struggle with the faking thing though so that kind of sucks
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Bisexuals this pride month: how do you wrestle with feeling invisible or feeling like a faker?
- Thread starter Mekanos
- Start date
The fact I've never been with a guy after years of saying that I'm bi does make me wish I never said anything to my friends. Part of me worries that they think I'm a liar behind my back; it's a shitty feeling. What makes it easier for me is that I'm somewhat picky about who I come out to, so at least there aren't too many people to feel awkward around. At this point I'm considering meeting someone on a dating site just to prove my sexuality once and for all. Not sure if that's the most sensible thing to do, but I suppose it's one way to deal with the problem.
I did this with my circle of friends in high school, but as soon as they reacted with love and support, I was like "actually...."
I don't feel invisible at all about my bisexuality because everyone knows I like multiple genders. All my friends know I've been with multiple genders. In the public eye? I couldn't care less. I'm too worried about getting my ass beat as a non-passing transwoman.
Sometimes I feel like I erase my own bisexuality by just not really having to think about it. I didn't accept that I was bi until I was 19 or 20, and shortly after I entered a long term relationship with a man (which is still going on and I don't see it ever ending). I don't feel like I belong in LGBTQ spaces because I don't feel like I've faced anywhere near the level of marginalization and oppression they have.
It doesn't hurt me or anything. I feel very little about it. It never feels like pride month belongs to me or that I'm apart of something.
It doesn't hurt me or anything. I feel very little about it. It never feels like pride month belongs to me or that I'm apart of something.
So I'm 36 and I guess I've always known I was bi but never really admitted it to myself until the last few months. Never even been with a guy. I dont even know what to do in regards to telling people or if I even should.
The only issue I have with feeling fake is that, despite knowing I'm bi, people only treat me as liking one gender. Which I understand cus I don't expect straight guys to start talking about guys or anything, but sometimes you wonder if people either forget or don't believe you when they still only talk about girls with you.
I think for me, based on my own anecdotal experience and definitely not indicative of real world is that my engagement with Bi men is that the overwhelming majority have told me that they only fuck gay men for sex because It's easier and that they won't ever date them because a real relationship they consider with a woman.
Gay men to them is just meat and women is where their hearts goes to.
Gay men to them is just meat and women is where their hearts goes to.
I've gone back and forth around a lot on the question of my sexual and gender identity for almost two decades going from straight to bi to gay, to settling to bi/pan because that's ultimately the label that I'm most comfortable with.
Not going to lie, most people who aren't bi don't really understand/believe how we're a thing. My parents were more than fine with me being gay, but when I casually corrected them saying I identified as bi during dinner that one time they just couldn't wrap their heads around it. But the worst reactions by far came from cis gay men on dating sites or otherwise, who think it's okay to just casually insult you or imply that you're somehow tainted or untrustworthy. I'm lucky enough that my best friend is a bi woman so there's plenty of things we've been able to discuss over the years while being on the same wavelength.
We're also pretty consistently erased, ignored or horribly represented in media (which doesn't help) and well, there's not much you can do except creating your own stories exploring these themes and supporting people who do.
Ultimately I just shrugged off the imposter syndrome and moved on with my life. My friends and family and SO love and accept me as I am even when they admit they don't quite understand. Your sexual orientation and identity is yours alone and we don't always neatly fit in a box (and hell, even the way we feel about our own sexuality can be messy and might evolve and nuance itself from one day to the next) and it's perfectly okay to ping pong as you put it.
Not going to lie, most people who aren't bi don't really understand/believe how we're a thing. My parents were more than fine with me being gay, but when I casually corrected them saying I identified as bi during dinner that one time they just couldn't wrap their heads around it. But the worst reactions by far came from cis gay men on dating sites or otherwise, who think it's okay to just casually insult you or imply that you're somehow tainted or untrustworthy. I'm lucky enough that my best friend is a bi woman so there's plenty of things we've been able to discuss over the years while being on the same wavelength.
We're also pretty consistently erased, ignored or horribly represented in media (which doesn't help) and well, there's not much you can do except creating your own stories exploring these themes and supporting people who do.
Ultimately I just shrugged off the imposter syndrome and moved on with my life. My friends and family and SO love and accept me as I am even when they admit they don't quite understand. Your sexual orientation and identity is yours alone and we don't always neatly fit in a box (and hell, even the way we feel about our own sexuality can be messy and might evolve and nuance itself from one day to the next) and it's perfectly okay to ping pong as you put it.
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Since I don't really discuss my pansexuality unless I'm asked about it or if it comes up in conversation I rarely have to deal with the situation, to the point where I'm questioning if I'm being forced by society to stay quiet about it?
I didn't even know that was a thing, but I guess it would have to be. I can't be the only one in the entire world who feels that way. Yes, there can absolutely be a difference between sexual and romantic attraction.
There's only been a few people in my life that I've talked to about it, pretty much exclusively various partners over the years. I've never mentioned it to my family or close friends, mostly because there never seemed to be a reason to bring it up, although I wouldn't be opposed to telling them if they asked.
I think it's fucked up to think that somebody could be too straight to be gay, and too gay to be straight, all at the same time. People are who they are, and sometimes that means we don't always fit into a neat little category with everyone else.
Having bisexual attractions was incredibly confusing and debilitating at times when I was finding my place in the world. I'd go from being attracted to women to then being attracted to a man, sometimes in the same day.
For a while I thought I was just closeted because I internalized "if you're attracted to men you must be gay." I couldn't own that label however because I was also attracted to women. It made me feel like a confused fraud that didn't know who the heck I was or what I wanted.
It took me many years to finally understand that I was bisexual, I didn't have to choose "a side." That realization was incredibly liberating. I hope in the future people will more easily be able to accept themselves as who they are rather than trying to pigeonhole themselves.
For a while I thought I was just closeted because I internalized "if you're attracted to men you must be gay." I couldn't own that label however because I was also attracted to women. It made me feel like a confused fraud that didn't know who the heck I was or what I wanted.
It took me many years to finally understand that I was bisexual, I didn't have to choose "a side." That realization was incredibly liberating. I hope in the future people will more easily be able to accept themselves as who they are rather than trying to pigeonhole themselves.
Yes and yes.
Bi-erasure is very common.
My husband cheated on me within my first month of dating because he assumed, because I'm bisexual, that I was sleeping around with women while dating him. It took us months to repair that trust and rebuild our relationship. I've had ally friends say things nonchalantly like "I'd never date a bi person" and if you're a bisexual dude, women don't like the fact that you're into dudes, and dudes don't like the fact that you're into women. Now that I'm married to a man, I'm erased further by the fact that it's just easier to assume I'm gay based on the fact that I'm in a monogamous relationship with a man, who btw is gay and doesn't relate to my bisexual attractions. Bi people have worse mental health outcomes than gays or lesbians in the LGBTQ community and are often rejected by both straight and gay people. Being bi is basically admitting to something many people either find sexy or threatening, so you're either fetishized or not trusted.
I just kinda avoid thinking much about it. In my current life, I've one partner and she's a woman, so I pass as straight and largely keep it to myself. I'm polyamorous, and would be open to dating men, but generally, I find my sexuality is more in the realm of being attracted to women when it comes to romantic relationships while men are more only in the sexual realm.
I blame my early "out" days in high school where it was constantly insisted that I was gay and just didn't know it yet.
I blame my early "out" days in high school where it was constantly insisted that I was gay and just didn't know it yet.
My family constists of 90% ultra-conservative muslims so I didn't tell them that I'm bi, only a few friends know. A lot of people I knew just seem to hate LGBTQ+ in general so I always was (and still am) very cautious talking about this topic. Even then I was accused of being a heretic for supporting friends who had their coming out and I'm really not sure what would happen if family members knew.
Those friends were always really supportive. The most bi hate I read about was in youtube/twitter/facebook comments, most of which is trash anyway.
This post is so heart-warming!
Those friends were always really supportive. The most bi hate I read about was in youtube/twitter/facebook comments, most of which is trash anyway.
This post is so heart-warming!
Bi-erasure/invalidation is a thing for sure. Sorry, OP and others who have experienced it. I am a 44 year old bi man and I have quite a bit as well.
When I was a kid, I was confused about everything. Heading into puberty I was a mess of attractions and even gender identity. I liked girls, but I also liked boys, though at the time I wasn't actively aware of that in a fully-coherent sense. Back then, the language we used for LGBTQ folks was... Bad, and almost worse, inaccurate and prohibitive to clear thoughts on these subjects, especially for a kid going through puberty.
I guess I presented a bit... androgynous? I had a bad experience early on involving a bully who lured me to a place and... well lets just say the first time I had a dick in my mouth it ended with me getting chased by a group of kids and roughed up.
So I leaned into being very "straight" for many years. I bulked up a bit. Started wearing less color. Since I liked girls, it was easier for me since that was perfectly acceptable. (This was rural Florida and outlying Orlando, btw. Yikes.) I just snuck around and got with guys on the low like you do. :/
I would go on to come out once I was on my own, independent, and part of a community with a LGBTQ presence. But I still feel almost guilty that it was easier for me all those years because I didn't have to force it or "fake" it really. More of a deception by omission.
So when gay guys (it's usually them) question my queerness I know it's wrong and unfair, but that element of guilt is still there and I try to be empathetic. I got off easier, especially coming up when I did when intolerance was far more ubiquitous and there were fewer and smaller communities in which to find acceptance.
One thing that gives me hope is seeing so many young members of the LGBTQ community being brave and active. I know the community still suffers from tons of hate and ignorance directed toward it, but there is a feeling of hope and real change.
I guess I always felt "othered" from that because I wasn't one of those championing the cause actively when I was younger. I was kind of a coward. So when I experience bi erasure, I usually just try to brush it off and use positive reinforcement like showing support whenever I can to the community.
I think for a lot of us, it can just get lonely, but we aren't alone in that. It's less of being alone by oneself and more being alone in a room full of people for me.
When I was a kid, I was confused about everything. Heading into puberty I was a mess of attractions and even gender identity. I liked girls, but I also liked boys, though at the time I wasn't actively aware of that in a fully-coherent sense. Back then, the language we used for LGBTQ folks was... Bad, and almost worse, inaccurate and prohibitive to clear thoughts on these subjects, especially for a kid going through puberty.
I guess I presented a bit... androgynous? I had a bad experience early on involving a bully who lured me to a place and... well lets just say the first time I had a dick in my mouth it ended with me getting chased by a group of kids and roughed up.
So I leaned into being very "straight" for many years. I bulked up a bit. Started wearing less color. Since I liked girls, it was easier for me since that was perfectly acceptable. (This was rural Florida and outlying Orlando, btw. Yikes.) I just snuck around and got with guys on the low like you do. :/
I would go on to come out once I was on my own, independent, and part of a community with a LGBTQ presence. But I still feel almost guilty that it was easier for me all those years because I didn't have to force it or "fake" it really. More of a deception by omission.
So when gay guys (it's usually them) question my queerness I know it's wrong and unfair, but that element of guilt is still there and I try to be empathetic. I got off easier, especially coming up when I did when intolerance was far more ubiquitous and there were fewer and smaller communities in which to find acceptance.
One thing that gives me hope is seeing so many young members of the LGBTQ community being brave and active. I know the community still suffers from tons of hate and ignorance directed toward it, but there is a feeling of hope and real change.
I guess I always felt "othered" from that because I wasn't one of those championing the cause actively when I was younger. I was kind of a coward. So when I experience bi erasure, I usually just try to brush it off and use positive reinforcement like showing support whenever I can to the community.
I think for a lot of us, it can just get lonely, but we aren't alone in that. It's less of being alone by oneself and more being alone in a room full of people for me.
I just kinda keep things to myself at this point.
Close family and partners know, but my experiences overall from both the gay and straight communities I've been involved in have made me disinterested in going through the bullshit authenticity tests people love to try and trip you up with.
Close family and partners know, but my experiences overall from both the gay and straight communities I've been involved in have made me disinterested in going through the bullshit authenticity tests people love to try and trip you up with.
I'm biromantic asexual (as well as agender). While all of my lgbtq+ friends are incredibly inclusive, I've never felt comfortable taking part in pride. My queerness isn't that visible and I haven't really suffered much discrimination from it. I worry that some people would feel I don't belong.
I just want to thank you all for sharing in this thread. Someone I know recently came out to me that they were bi. I want to be as supportive as possible, especially since it is something they told me they don't tell many people. I think reading everything here helps me understand a bit better, and hopefully lets me be better at being supportive.
This is a really interesting topic for me and one that I'm trying to explore a bit more openly (though still wrapped up in a lot of personal fears and hold-ups).
I was raised in a very religious (Christian) household, so I grew up with a pretty high level of homophobia just sort of...ingrained in me. My parents are good people - not the extremely hateful fundy types, but the issues are inherent with the religion (and the political leanings that tend to accompany it) so it felt a bit unavoidable and not until my later teens did I really confront this and come into my own a bit more on my beliefs.
It was particularly rough for me as a middle-schooler in a Christian school - kids are really, truly awful and I was kind of the poster boy for "outcast" back then. Overweight, nerdy kid who didn't really have a clue about girls or sex or anything. That sunk in with a lot of my classmates and from that point on, not a single day passed where I didn't have some kid calling me "gay." I didn't quite get it then, not entirely, but it is what it is and it bred a lot of deeper resentment in me at that point. I spent a lot of those years trying REALLY hard to distance myself from "being gay" or "seeming gay" or "gay stuff." Again, I didn't entirely know what it meant, but I knew I didn't want it painted on me. (I left the school after a few months and some incidents of bullying that just got to be too much for my little self.)
Fast forward to now. I've been in the same relationship (with a woman) for over 10 years, happily married, been together since I was 19. Even at that point I was still pretty stuck into my conservative Christian roots, but I give my wife and friends a lot of credit for their patience with me and their influence in helping me become the person I am today.
That in mind, I have spent the past few years struggling a bit in both my sexuality and my gender identity. I don't often express this in any explicit sense because I feel like if I "came out" so to speak, nothing would change - and if it did, it would probably only make my life more complicated than I really want it to be. I have realized over the past few years that I've found myself attracted to guys in a way that's more than the simple "hey, obviously that's a good looking dude!" sort of way and to the same token, I've found myself attracted to women in a less sexual, more "I wish I looked like you" sort of way.
I excuse a lot of this away by just affirming that I do believe sexuality and gender to exist on a spectrum and perhaps I just float around a bit on that spectrum, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't wish to explore these things a bit more. Not even sexually or in any romantic sense - I am very happy with my current relationship and I love my wife to the moon and back - but even being able to just express that attraction in a way that doesn't feel fake or easily brushed off as "dude talk." On the gender thing...I don't even know. I don't want to transition or anything - I just don't feel at home with any form of masculinity and I've always gravitated towards forms of self-expression that people tend to categorize as "feminine." Being called a "man" makes me feel a bit unsettled.
I'm probably just venting a bit now since I feel a lot more comfort in pseudo-anonymity than I do in doing this in a more personal way, but yeah.
I was raised in a very religious (Christian) household, so I grew up with a pretty high level of homophobia just sort of...ingrained in me. My parents are good people - not the extremely hateful fundy types, but the issues are inherent with the religion (and the political leanings that tend to accompany it) so it felt a bit unavoidable and not until my later teens did I really confront this and come into my own a bit more on my beliefs.
It was particularly rough for me as a middle-schooler in a Christian school - kids are really, truly awful and I was kind of the poster boy for "outcast" back then. Overweight, nerdy kid who didn't really have a clue about girls or sex or anything. That sunk in with a lot of my classmates and from that point on, not a single day passed where I didn't have some kid calling me "gay." I didn't quite get it then, not entirely, but it is what it is and it bred a lot of deeper resentment in me at that point. I spent a lot of those years trying REALLY hard to distance myself from "being gay" or "seeming gay" or "gay stuff." Again, I didn't entirely know what it meant, but I knew I didn't want it painted on me. (I left the school after a few months and some incidents of bullying that just got to be too much for my little self.)
Fast forward to now. I've been in the same relationship (with a woman) for over 10 years, happily married, been together since I was 19. Even at that point I was still pretty stuck into my conservative Christian roots, but I give my wife and friends a lot of credit for their patience with me and their influence in helping me become the person I am today.
That in mind, I have spent the past few years struggling a bit in both my sexuality and my gender identity. I don't often express this in any explicit sense because I feel like if I "came out" so to speak, nothing would change - and if it did, it would probably only make my life more complicated than I really want it to be. I have realized over the past few years that I've found myself attracted to guys in a way that's more than the simple "hey, obviously that's a good looking dude!" sort of way and to the same token, I've found myself attracted to women in a less sexual, more "I wish I looked like you" sort of way.
I excuse a lot of this away by just affirming that I do believe sexuality and gender to exist on a spectrum and perhaps I just float around a bit on that spectrum, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't wish to explore these things a bit more. Not even sexually or in any romantic sense - I am very happy with my current relationship and I love my wife to the moon and back - but even being able to just express that attraction in a way that doesn't feel fake or easily brushed off as "dude talk." On the gender thing...I don't even know. I don't want to transition or anything - I just don't feel at home with any form of masculinity and I've always gravitated towards forms of self-expression that people tend to categorize as "feminine." Being called a "man" makes me feel a bit unsettled.
I'm probably just venting a bit now since I feel a lot more comfort in pseudo-anonymity than I do in doing this in a more personal way, but yeah.
My wife is bi, and she's dealt with a lot of erasure being married to me. I've done my best to be a good bi ally and make her feel validated and supported. Just because it's not a facet of her personality that she invests in doesn't mean it isn't important to her.
This experience mirrors my own.
I knew I was attracted to women at a pretty early age just like I was attracted to men, but I grew up in a very small, close-minded town so it was pretty easy to ignore my same-sex attraction most of my life and just date guys. Have never dated a woman even when the opportunity presented itself.
Currently married to a man who I have been with for the past decade. It was actually my husband who supported my sexuality and helped me become more comfortable with my bisexual identity (though I later realized that pansexual is probably a more accurate descriptor).
I have never officially "come out" to anyone, but when asked directly about my sexual identity I dont have any issues with being honest anymore. I have had mixed feelings about coming out tbh, just because I dont think it would actually change anything in my life. I've slipped it into conversations with my folks, but they've never been a concern of mine since they're extremely supportive as long as I'm happy.
I will say though, it is interesting to be in the position of having an attraction to gender(s) you have never been with and being in a hetero marriage. Once had a lesbian colleague suggest that I was just on my way to "realizing" I'm actually a lesbian, and some of my straight colleagues asked how I could be happy in a relationship with a man since "he pleases you differently than a woman could." Had a gay colleague tell me that I shouldnt identify as part of the LGBT community since I've never been overtly discriminated against and since I have never actually been in a non-hetero relationship.
TBH I don't think you have to say anything unless you want to. The only time anyone needs to know is if they're dating you. But if you feel comfortable sharing it with people in your life, that's good too!
I can relate to almost everything you wrote in the OP, down to the spoiler tagged, it feels like I wrote it tbh.
OP
OP
serious question: what is the point of sharing this anecdote in a thread where people are sharing sensitive issues regarding their bisexuality
what does this add to the conversation
like what am I supposed to take from this? Guilt? Shame?
User Banned (2 Weeks): Insensitive commentary regarding bisexual men
I guess the point is if it's a common mindset and if it is then it might explain the discrimination that bisexuals feel towards them, I know as a gay man I'd be pretty offended if a bi guy told me he only wanted to fuck me and has zero interest in anything romantic and he's like that with most gay men because they are easy. would you avoid all conversations on this matter to only affirm the positives.
And yes my experience is anecdotal but it defiantly a conversion I've had with other gay men as a whole. I doubt all my friends are all just meeting that type of Bi.
edit: inn trying to be sensitive to the discussion but I will admit that I my engagements with bu are definitely much more measured based on what other Bi men have said. It's offensive. Sorry if that hurts but the other is also hurtful
I just keep quiet, dont bring up my queerness in conversation and privately donate to groups that I want to. If a portion of the community doesn't feel necessary to recognize us and only has us around to round out the acronym, I dont feel the need to include myself. If I want to include myself I have my own private circles that I know I'm welcomed in.
You're an asshole.
I'm so fucking sick of the gay community shitting on bisexuals like this.
OP
OP
Black bi dude who already feels invisible in the LGBTQ+ community due to my race so I don't care to have it known or really feel interested in being involved.
Okay clearly a conversation not willing to be address. Fair enough.
Whatever stupid and awful shit you've come to believe about the bisexual community this really isn't the place for you to shoot off.
Thank you! I haven't yet introduced myself in the non-binary and asexual communities here, but I've lurked them for awhile and they've been so helpful in understanding and learning how to express myself, thanks to posters like you.
one of my ex's would tell me that "bisexuality doesnt work that way" when i talked about how i dated men but still was attracted to women despite it being a long while since i had dated or had sex with one. my attraction to women was always a part of me my whole life but men frequently would tell me if i wasnt with a woman now or actively with women that i wasn't "bisexual enough" or "really bisexual". it was always infuriating but i realized as i got older the opinion of straight white men on my sexuality doesn't mean shit.
you can be 90% into men and 10% into women
you can be 95% into women and 5% into men
you can be 30% into men and 70% into women
it literally doesn't matter. you are bisexual no matter what anyone else tells you and there is no such thing as "bisexual enough".
(also, after getting out of that relationship, i slept with a lot of people both male, female, nonbinary, and everything in between to figure out what I was. Ultimately came out as queer and it was the most freeing moment in my life to embrace my sexuality for my own without judgement. )
you can be 90% into men and 10% into women
you can be 95% into women and 5% into men
you can be 30% into men and 70% into women
it literally doesn't matter. you are bisexual no matter what anyone else tells you and there is no such thing as "bisexual enough".
(also, after getting out of that relationship, i slept with a lot of people both male, female, nonbinary, and everything in between to figure out what I was. Ultimately came out as queer and it was the most freeing moment in my life to embrace my sexuality for my own without judgement. )
I know a lot of this irritating shit comes from the whole Dan Savage thing of talking about bisexuals "disappearing into heterosexual life" as if it's some sort of deliberate choice or conspiracy and not just the reality that statistically, assuming a roughly equal level of attraction to both sexes, you're much more likely as a guy to end up in a relationship with a woman than a man. My first boyfriend was bisexual, and he often told me how frustrating it felt that it was literally impossible for anyone to actually recognize he was bisexual, because it's not like you wear a tag on your shirt that reminds people of your sexual orientation or whatever, it felt invisible because it pretty much is, and that eventually he kind of just had to stop caring - it was more frustrating for him to bother trying to correct randos than anything else. It's not a very satisfying conclusion in that case, I guess, sadly.
This is it for me. In retrospective it's stupid that for a while I didn't realize you weren't forced pledge an alliance, it would've saved me years of thinking I'm either straight and faking it for attention or gay and repressing it. But I guess that's not entirely my fault seeing how quick society is to throw you into either box.
Not a lot of people in your position take the time to educate themselves like this, so on behalf of that person, let me say thanks for reading.
I'm a 35 year old bisexual man who's white and cis. The only relationships I've actually ever been in have been with women. This is partially due to circumstances, and partially due to me not being ready to date a man during some of the years since I knew and accepted myself being bi.
So you can imagine that I've felt guilt about passing as straight, and the privilege that (and the fact that I'm cis and white) affords me. I've been fortunate enough that all of my relationship partners have been incredibly accepting of the fact that I'm bi. I haven't gone through many of the same struggles others in the community have, and it made me question the validity of my identity at times. But eventually I saw the same message reinforced often enough by the community, 'you are valid', that I started to truly believe it.
So you can imagine that I've felt guilt about passing as straight, and the privilege that (and the fact that I'm cis and white) affords me. I've been fortunate enough that all of my relationship partners have been incredibly accepting of the fact that I'm bi. I haven't gone through many of the same struggles others in the community have, and it made me question the validity of my identity at times. But eventually I saw the same message reinforced often enough by the community, 'you are valid', that I started to truly believe it.
Yep, I relate to this 100%. When I had the conversation with my SO a few months ago I told him that I believe that *everyone* is somehow somewhere on the scale of bisexuality and it doesn't matter if you're 1% attracted to women and 99% to men. He's always identified as 100% gay but that moment made him question it lol.
That's why I've come to believe that labeling yourself should first and foremost be for yourself and as a social signifier to others. The way you label yourself doesn't really matter in the grand scheme of things, it doesn't matter if your own view of yourself evolves over time (you aren't signing a contract with your own blood when you're declaring you're gay or bi or otherwise), and sexuality is fluid. Label yourself whatever makes you at peace with yourself, you're never a fraud or "not ____ enough".
This is essentially where i've lived my whole life. I've disclosed my being not singularly straight with perhaps three friends and my being non-binary with just one of them, and very very recently. I don't think it's even that hard, twice i've been presumed to be gay (that i know of), but i just say no, that's not the case and kept myself from talking further about it because the summation of my life has had very little struggle or even people correctly guessing what i identify as after knowing me for a long time. I support and love but it's not really my struggle.
Actually just noticed this is the first time i've said this publicly too. Strange.
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Here's the thing though - part of Pride is trying to move forward in the world so that more people can be free from discrimination. How could Pride not celebrate someone who hasn't faced much discrimination, when it's what we want the whole world to be like? Of course, you should only be as involved as you want to, but you're super valid either way.
I just don't bother telling anyone anymore. People just assumed I was gay when I told them I was bi. I've had multiple friends say they wouldn't date bisexual men (They were all bi women!) because the thought of them being with another guy was gross. A gay colleague told me he would never date a bisexual man, but that also didn't stop him from assualting me when I was drunk.
I have a girlfriend, its easier letting people think I'm straight even if it isn't true.
I have a girlfriend, its easier letting people think I'm straight even if it isn't true.
In retrospect it was silly, but that's with the benefit of hindsight. As you can see in this very thread bisexual identity confusion seems to be pretty common. The views of those that identify as straight or gay help reinforce that confusion. It's hard to accept that some things like sexuality cannot be rigidly defined.
As a society we need to do a better job teaching and reinforcing that it is harmful and counterproductive to pigeonhole both ourselves and others. We need to allow ourselves and others to grow and change as we age and mature. That is the essence of what it means to progressive. If LGBTQ folks and their allies aren't doing that then they are failing and need to course correct.
I really don't understand women that have slept with and/or dated other women who then turn around and say that bisexual men are gross. What does that make you then? Are you gross too? Or are you just a hypocrite who is homophobic towards men? If anything is gross it's their hypocritical double standard. That is a view that noone should be proud of.
Thank you so much for making this thread, OP. I posted about this a while ago in the LGBTQ+ comminuty thread.
I don't have any shame about my attraction to men (or any other genders that aren't simply cis female), and I don't repress it at all, but I feel like I don't belong in the LGBTQQ2IA+ community, because in terms of my relationship history, I look like a straight guy. I asked a cute barista for his number once because there was powerful flirtation; then learned over text that he was too young for me, so I backed off. That's as queer as I've gotten in my life so far, which is for sure not very queer.
I identify as heteroflexible, which for some constitutes a form of bisexuality. To others, it just describes a kinky straight guy. I genuinely don't know which of those is more accurate for me. But bisexual friends gave me the confidence to self-identify as bi. It feels right. It's also accurate: I am "someone who is sexually attracted to more than one gender".
But I feel like I'm coopting marginalized status I don't deserve around queer people; even though I feel personally attacked when someone who assumes I'm straight starts getting homophobic around me.
I think my reluctance to take on the status is tied to my whiteness. I'm super aware of trying not to take the spotlight from marginalized voices, and I'm also aware that I would love to be a human that is more interesting than a straight, white, cisgender guy. That's why I feel like I need to "prove myself" before I can be part of the queer community.
I want to stand up and be counted when dealing with 'phobes, and I want to get out of the way when it comes to queer issues. And while that's fine in terms of behaviour, it definitely leaves me feeling isolated when it comes to figuring out my sexuality.
I don't have any shame about my attraction to men (or any other genders that aren't simply cis female), and I don't repress it at all, but I feel like I don't belong in the LGBTQQ2IA+ community, because in terms of my relationship history, I look like a straight guy. I asked a cute barista for his number once because there was powerful flirtation; then learned over text that he was too young for me, so I backed off. That's as queer as I've gotten in my life so far, which is for sure not very queer.
I identify as heteroflexible, which for some constitutes a form of bisexuality. To others, it just describes a kinky straight guy. I genuinely don't know which of those is more accurate for me. But bisexual friends gave me the confidence to self-identify as bi. It feels right. It's also accurate: I am "someone who is sexually attracted to more than one gender".
But I feel like I'm coopting marginalized status I don't deserve around queer people; even though I feel personally attacked when someone who assumes I'm straight starts getting homophobic around me.
I think my reluctance to take on the status is tied to my whiteness. I'm super aware of trying not to take the spotlight from marginalized voices, and I'm also aware that I would love to be a human that is more interesting than a straight, white, cisgender guy. That's why I feel like I need to "prove myself" before I can be part of the queer community.
I want to stand up and be counted when dealing with 'phobes, and I want to get out of the way when it comes to queer issues. And while that's fine in terms of behaviour, it definitely leaves me feeling isolated when it comes to figuring out my sexuality.
I've only come out to my wife and now you losers, but it's been hard.
If I was braver, I would talk about it more openly in my regular life but I don't want to be accused of anything or deal with peoples questions. It's a shame since whenever I am able to actually talk about it, it makes me feel a lot better about myself and who I am. The only time I look in the mirror and like what I see is when I've been able to be open about this.
If I was braver, I would talk about it more openly in my regular life but I don't want to be accused of anything or deal with peoples questions. It's a shame since whenever I am able to actually talk about it, it makes me feel a lot better about myself and who I am. The only time I look in the mirror and like what I see is when I've been able to be open about this.