Am I wrong for not wanting to go on big extended family vacations?

[AppleBlade]

I grew up in a large pretty tight nit hispanic family. Growing up we would occasionally go on big group vacations (like 20-30 people total). Now that I'm an adult (37 years old) and married and have 2 kids I haven't gone on the last couple of trips.

The next big trip is a cruise in the summer of 2021 which is being planned by one of my cousins. My mom and sisters are putting major guilt trip pressure for me to go on the next one. My mom just called me and was getting choked up about how I don't want to go on Vacations with the family anymore.

Am I wrong? It's not a money thing, I can easily afford it. I just like doing my own thing. I enjoy the planning part of my vacations. I don't like waiting for people. Some of my cousin's are more party people and I'm more of the sight seeing and history type. With two young kids (ages 6 and 8), I like having the flexibility that traveling with just the 4 of us affords. For example we went to Disney World last summer and when we felt like we needed a nap or pool break we took it. We didn't have to let anyone know. The last two vacations I did with just my wife and kids and it was great.

 

[whatsinaname]

Yeah, it can be difficult for sure in larger families like that. You skip a couple and it becomes a 'he doesn't like us anymore' issue unfortunately. -_-

If you have no issues with your extended family, maybe talk with your wife and kids and pick a cadence you all are comfortable with? (like going once very two years or once every three years). Or maybe join them for a part of the trip ever other time?

 

[Kace]

When it comes to making sacrifices for family seems like going on a trip or two a year is on the far lower end of the scale

 

[Era Uma Vez]

No, you like what you like, and that's that.
Getting old and realizing that your tastes don't align with your family traditions is pretty standard.
In a perfect world, you would get to take 2 vacations, one for your family, and one just for you (and wife and kids).
As it is, you're gonna have to disappoint someone.

 

[Nigel Tufnel]

I don't think you're a bad person, and you should do what works for you, but I do think for me there is a balance to be found. I wouldn't want my only vacations to be big family vacations, but I do like my family and would probably regret skipping out on every opportunity to make family memories like that.

 

[Zoe]

When it comes to making sacrifices for family seems like going on a trip or two a year is on the far lower end of the scale

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But for most people, one or two trips a year is all they get (if that).

 

[Maeros]

No your not wrong. Can you maybe organize a weekend trip for the whole family instead of a weeks long vacation? Also you would be the organizer then since you like to do that.

 

[Dan-o]

Am I wrong?

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Hell no.
There is no way I'd go on vacations with my extended family. It was bad enough when random relatives would show up at our cabin in the woods, unannounced, for a weekend. I couldn't spend that much time with those folks.

 

[Lactose_Intolerant]

Why can't you just tell your mom what you just typed?

 

[Kace]

But for most people, one or two trips a year is all they get (if that).

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Fair enough make it every 2-3 years that's an even compromise

 

[AppleBlade]

Why can't you just tell your mom what you just typed?

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I did. That's when she got choked up.

 

[entremet]

Doesn't sound like those family vacations are restful for you. They sound exhausting giving your stage in life and your preferences. That's no vacation.

Did you communicate that?

 

[skeezx]

family vacations as an adult (as in, vacationing with parents, aunts uncles, ect not spouse and kids) are excruciating. i do it every 5 or so years out of obligation but i'll come up with anything to get out of them. i usually just say work is crazy, sorry

 

[GalvoAg]

I did. That's when she got choked up.

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Then you need to make a decision. Regardless someone is going to be upset, I would probably do it this time and sit out the next three years.

 

[entremet]

family vacations as an adult (as in, vacationing with parents, aunts uncles, ect not spouse and kids) are excruciating. i do it every 5 or so years out of obligation but i'll come up with anything to get out of them. i usually just say work is crazy, sorry

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They just don't sound restful. PTO is already scarce. I want to relax lol.

 

[Seductivpancakes]

Just go once every couple of years to show you still care. I think that's a good compromise.

 

[Walter White Walker]

I have a large family (I have 17 nieces and nephews, for example). I like them fine but I'd rather shoot myself in the head than go on vacation with them.

 

[BasilZero]

I dont see any issue with it.

I have cousins who want to do something similar and I dont want that either.



I'd prefer going with my own family (Wife, children and parents) and not be involved with any extended family (cousins, aunts, uncles, etc)

 

[Faddy]

How do your kids feel about it? Are they going to miss hanging out with cousins?

I remember family vacations when I was younger and they were great hanging out with extended family.

(although I'm not sure is a cruise is the ideal vacation for young kids)

 

[Pau]

I feel you OP. Also Hispanic, and also get pressured into this. But it's even worse: my mother expects ANY time off from work or school to be spent with her.

Actual vacation trips always end up in fights between my parents and between my mother and my sister. My parents don't get along at all and are always fighting. My mother is really hard to deal with, and my sister has little patience. It's extremely stressful, and I need extra time to recover from all of it.

Bringing in extended family is even worse. A bunch of them are utter assholes including: racists, sexists, child abusers, con artists and wanna-be mafiosos, freeloaders, and elitist snobs. Each parent recognizes the faults of the other side's family and doesn't want to hang, but expects us to tolerate their own side.

I will say, as a kid I much preferred vacations with extended family because it meant hanging out with other people my age, instead of just my parents. Then again, I didn't want to hang out with just them because they were always fighting even just then. :P

 

[Deleted member 3465]

You have to do what's best for you at the end of the day, especially the older you get. Don't let anyone guilt you for how you want to spend your own time for any reason imo.

 

[Sampson]

I'd rather eat a bullet

 

[Garth2000]

I get you OP. I love my family, but in measured doeses.

I also don't care for group travel. Doing our own thing is a must when we go on vacation. We do have friends we travel with occasionally, but we have a solid understanding that while we are going on the same trip, we are under no obligation to do the same things.

 

[Mr. Shakedown]

My in-laws try to go on vacations almost every year and thankfully there's been plenty of legitimate reasons to not go on the damn things because holy shit it's terrible. My wife's parents clearly hate each other and are always fighting but won't get a divorce so a trip with these two (I refuse to call that shit a vacation) is just non-stop shouting matches and passive-aggressive bullshit.

 

[Ramble]

I'd rather eat a bullet

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Same. I like my family, but hell no to family vacations.

 

[WascallyWabbit]

Are you wrong? Heck no
But if it's really messing with your mom and now you actually feel guilty about it, maybe sucking it up and going isn't such a bad thing

 

[faceless]

you need to reiterate to her that you love her but you can't do the big family vacations anymore, they just aren't fun to you like they were when you were a kid.

 

[TheUnseenTheUnheard]

If you don't have issues with your family I think it wouldn't be a bad idea to go once in a while. You might one day regret not spending a lot of time with family members that you wouldn't see. Time goes fast. Really fast. One day you might not have the opportunity to spend time with members of your family for various reasons. I'd go once in a while but not every time.

 

[Deleted member 15737]

Oof
Every family is different but that sounds awful to me. With uncles and aunts and everyone's kids? On a cruise ship? I'd be overboard by the 2nd day lol.

One side of my extended family does one summer day with bbq and pool. No pressure, come or leave when you like. That's about right to me.

 

[Lobster Roll]

Nah, I love my family, but I especially love them in smaller doses. As a grown ass man, I can't even imagine what a large, extended family vacation would be like for me. It wouldn't even feel like a vacation. I'd probably need to take a vacation with just me and my SO afterward. 20-30 people going on a trip together isn't a vacation. It's a conference.

 

[Dragoon]

Then you need to make a decision. Regardless someone is going to be upset, I would probably do it this time and sit out the next three years.

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This is what I would do, but I get the feeling OP never wants to go on another family vacation

 

[MrHedin]

It's not as big as group as yours but my wife's family gets together every year at a lake or beach house and we have settled on a few rules/guidelines. Some of them wouldn't come into play on a cruise (such as each family has their own separate bedroom, learned that one the hard way) but two main ones would:

- Depending on the length of the trip but on 1-3 days of the vacation our immediate family does their own thing. We'll (likely) see everyone at dinner but beyond that my family of four is just going to spend time together away from the larger group.
- It's OK to say no and it's OK if others say no. If we're going on a boat for a bit and you just rather stay on the beach say something! Conversely if someone doesn't want to go on the boat don't try to guilt trip them or otherwise make them feel bad for not going.

Every family has a different dynamic so what works for us may not work for others but I think it's worth considering coming up with some ground rules (assuming you haven't already). If your family can agree (and if you think they will stick to them) to some rules that get you what you want from a vacation then great! And if they can't then just make sure you send them lots of pictures from the vacation your immediate family goes on instead.