You are overthinking their/her presents and they are absolutely just picking some shit off a Walmart rack for you. Time to stop both actions; just say no more gifts.
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Am I overreacting to this gift-giving habit of my sister?
- Thread starter Deleted member 12790
- Start date
I don't know enough about sister to ascribe evil malicious intent over thoughtlessness but OP says they have a good relationship. Based on that, I'm going to go with the reason for why being thoughtlessness and gift giving not being something she loves to do which is normal.
A lot of people here love the idea of creating backfire threads.
Bruh - a wine opener to a recovering alcoholic. That's beyond stupid.
Lol, why apologise? Not every gift is going to be perfect it's better to be honest about it.
I once bought my wife a £600 necklace and I noticed she hardly ever wore it, turns out its because she doesn't really like it. If she'd have been honest we could have exchanged it, instead it's sat in a jewellery box somewhere to probably never see the light of day again.
No, I hate backfire stuff. I'm making posts believing I'm in the minority. I just don't want OP to make his sister feel bad because she didn't get him a bag of candy. I don't think it necessarily means anything that she doesn't put a lot of thought into gifts and he does.
I mean it's one thing to just thoughtlessly grab random crap around your house to give as a gift.Just to clarify on the wine bottle opener, it was one of these kinds:
And she was like, "well you can also use it to open soda bottles and stuff too." Which I guess maybe she was being sincere and didn't think about how getting a corkscrew would look, I dunno. I don't tend to buy soda bottles with pop caps tho.
But that... that seems beyond just thoughtless, and actually cruel to give to someone you know is a recovering alcoholic.
While stupid, it's clear that the OP is either not telling something or he reads their relationship differently. Regardless, he can put the effort in gifts but it won't be reciprocated. There shouldn't be an expectation for a gift or even a quality gift. I think OP knows he needs to talk to his sister.
Can we stop with this "not a lot of effort" bullshit? A gift card or even just a regular card is not a lot of effort. A hunting magazine for a non-hunter one year and a wine opener for a recovering alcoholic for another year is beyond that.
I feel you OP.
My brother and I are the same bad gift givers.
Maybe not the level of your sister but bad gift givers anyway.
But we too feel awful that we can't seem to find time/idea/motivations for gifts.
So it's kind of untold agreement that we don't try and gift things to each other that are going to end being meaningless material gifts and we try to focus on our parents
My brother and I are the same bad gift givers.
Maybe not the level of your sister but bad gift givers anyway.
But we too feel awful that we can't seem to find time/idea/motivations for gifts.
So it's kind of untold agreement that we don't try and gift things to each other that are going to end being meaningless material gifts and we try to focus on our parents
i think they were but they were the cheapest of the cheap ones.
Yeah, given that she is not seemingly putting any effort towards her gifts for you, and in the specific case that broke the camel's back was her mocking you, I would simply stop putting in so much effort for her gifts. Especially when she's so thoughtless with the wine opener. Honestly that would've been the breaking point for me to be honest.
I wouldn't stop doing that for her kids though. She may not be thankful and may not seem to care about how she gets gifts for you, but those kids will hopefully take notice and appreciate.
I wouldn't stop doing that for her kids though. She may not be thankful and may not seem to care about how she gets gifts for you, but those kids will hopefully take notice and appreciate.
He said they don't give his peers (his brother, and brother in law) lavish gifts.
They give the 2 Grandma's nice gifts and the other children in the family nice gifts.
So someone give's their Mom a nicer gift than they give their brother; beyond that the nice gifts are for children.. the people who generally are supposed to care about gifts on Christmas.
Her gifts are 100% thoughtless for sure; I just am honestly confounded that most adults would care. They are likely thoughtless because she doesn't think he would care; or maybe she's a huge asshole who hates him. I don't know; that's obviously an option.. just trying to suggest things for OP that might make more sense. It's not about creating a backfire; OP asked a question.. personally I think the answer is yes.
I agree that being up front is ideal, but not everyone operates that way. He wouldn't be apologizing because he did something wrong (he didn't), he'd be apologizing because he hurt her feelings. And I'm willing to bet that despite wishing his wife had not been insulted by his honesty he still doesn't like it that she's upset.
The OP asked a question; not everyone who thinks the answer might be "Yes" is trying to create a backfire thread.
OP is thoughtful about the gifts he gives his sister; she is not thoughtful about the gifts she gives him and made a kinda dickish comment about candy. The gift stuff to me is kind of a nothing, according to the OP the other "brothers" in the family also don't get nice things from his sister.. the candy comment is a sibling being a dick, which isn't shocking and if it hurt OPs feelings he should maybe say something.
But complaining about the gifts you are getting as an adult when you are in a family that apparently has a lot of children at Christmas parties is a bit tone deaf IMO.
And whether you want to keep giving thoughtful gifts should be based on whether.. you want to keep giving thoughtful gifts. Giving gifts based on what you receive from people isn't illogical but I always think it's better to just be thoughtful in general if you have the time/energy. I think OP gets a satisfaction out of giving those gifts too, let's not all pretend we don't give partly to get those warm feelings like you did something good. So keep doing that, or don't if it will make you feel better.
OP is thoughtful about the gifts he gives his sister; she is not thoughtful about the gifts she gives him and made a kinda dickish comment about candy. The gift stuff to me is kind of a nothing, according to the OP the other "brothers" in the family also don't get nice things from his sister.. the candy comment is a sibling being a dick, which isn't shocking and if it hurt OPs feelings he should maybe say something.
But complaining about the gifts you are getting as an adult when you are in a family that apparently has a lot of children at Christmas parties is a bit tone deaf IMO.
And whether you want to keep giving thoughtful gifts should be based on whether.. you want to keep giving thoughtful gifts. Giving gifts based on what you receive from people isn't illogical but I always think it's better to just be thoughtful in general if you have the time/energy. I think OP gets a satisfaction out of giving those gifts too, let's not all pretend we don't give partly to get those warm feelings like you did something good. So keep doing that, or don't if it will make you feel better.
She doesn't deserve you as a brother, OP. Sorry to hear she's so lame. Was she always like this growing up or did she change?
But as many have said, don't have any expectations was it sounds like she sets a new bar every year. Perhaps she finds enjoyment doing this and resents you.
But as many have said, don't have any expectations was it sounds like she sets a new bar every year. Perhaps she finds enjoyment doing this and resents you.
OP
OP
They don't give my brother and my brother in law's brother lavish gifts... but they give them appropriate gifts. Like my brother, he loves hockey. We live in Houston, which doesn't have a hockey team, but they drive to dallas to go to Dallas stars hockey games. They gave him a dallas stars ballcap for christmas. Do you know how hard it is to find dallas stars ball caps in Houston, Texas? by contrast, you can't help but stumble upon Texas Longhorns gear here.
My brother-in-law's brother, they got him houston rockets tickets this year. Nose bleed seats, against the hawks (worst team in their conference) so super cheap tickets, sure, but I love the rockets.
I got a Houston Texans beanie. I hate the Texans.
She gave a wine opener to a recovering alcoholic. Are you trying to be contrarian?
Were all these 'gifts' wrapped?
Could be that your sister is just a re-gifter and passes gifts along without opening any, except maybe removing the tags.
Could be that your sister is just a re-gifter and passes gifts along without opening any, except maybe removing the tags.
Krej's sister got him a wine bottle opener for a fucking recovering alcoholic, that's isn't not good enough it's downright hurtful and disrespectful.
I'd just take it easy on the gifts. Even though you have a point, it's not good to tell somebody to give you better gifts.
I mean that does suck; are they aware that you hate the Texans? That does seem purposeful if they get your brothers teams they like; but maybe they just don't know, or got it wrong?
But you 100% overthink everything; I've seen that in many of your threads, and in this very post. Do I know how hard it is to find X in X city? No, because I'd order that from the internet like your sister probably did.
Yeah, there was the other poster who tried to make OP seem creepy for getting their sister something to remember their late pet. Some people will try to find anyway to have people turn on the OP.
You really shouldn't be surprised that people are saying you didn't read the OP because it's not simply about OP not getting a bag of candy and that's obvious by reading it. Ok his sister doesn't put a lot of thought into gifts... OP told her what to get them and it was such a simple thing. It requires NO thought but not only did she not do that, she spited them by insulting them about it while she gave them something she clearly knew they disliked.
I mean, you would accuse OP of being childish but they've handled the situation with complete sensitivity and benefit of the doubt of the sister. They didn't cause a stink at Christmas, they didn't act passive aggressively, they still continued to give thoughtful gifts even after the insulting wine opener gift their sister gave them.
So they vented about it anonymously on a forum? Are they not allowed to have feelings? OP still can hardly say a bad thing about their sister even in this setting. I just don't know how you could call OP childish.
But it doesn't seem like OP or mom thought it was intentionally malicious, unless I missed something? Even the mom wanting to talk to her is because she's selfish, not malicious.
I want to say there was a similar thread last year complaining about giving better gifts than they got. This one at least seems more reasonable because it's not about cost but you put a ton of thought into the gifts, but yeah, if you're hurt because it's not reciprocated then don't put in the effort. She might not even appreciate the effort you're putting into it anyway.
Cooljerk just say no more gifts for adults come xmas 2020. Tell them you will only be handing them out to kids. This will solve everything for you. No fuss no nothing.
OP
OP
OP, if you mentioned you wanting candy to her for Christmas to the extent you claim, I can see why she would make that joke. It sounded like a lot for something like a food item that people get in excess as gifts for this occasion. And that collage was very inappropriate since people do not want to think about pets that passed away during the whole Christmas joy feeling.
You sound like a nice guy, but try to refrain from being too nice and putting too much effort into people unless you see they are worth it. The first bad gift she gave you should have been enough. Some sisters/brothers will also always see you as the "little sibling" unless you really change their view as you grow up, so there's that too. My sisters tell me they still me as a kid but somehow I got their respect where they don't offend me like when we were growing up and they put a lot of effort into me for things.
You sound like a nice guy, but try to refrain from being too nice and putting too much effort into people unless you see they are worth it. The first bad gift she gave you should have been enough. Some sisters/brothers will also always see you as the "little sibling" unless you really change their view as you grow up, so there's that too. My sisters tell me they still me as a kid but somehow I got their respect where they don't offend me like when we were growing up and they put a lot of effort into me for things.
You opening the Texans hat:
But really, you should have a serious heart-to-heart talk with her. It's obviously something that bothers you, and it should. The value isn't in the reciprocal monetary amount, but in the thought behind the gifts, which is how it should be. I'd be honest and say that it isn't about the cost of the gifts, but the lack of thought that goes into them. And also say that you understand that she has to think about what to get her kids and husband. Maybe even say that you'll continue giving your thoughtful presents because that seems to mean a lot to you and that it might be better if she just doesn't need to think about getting you something if the effort isn't going to be there. Not as a slight or insult against her, but there would be less damage to your relationship over time that way.
Question, do you know how much effort she put into picking out gifts for her husband? Some people are just really bad at knowing what to buy someone. I get that you specifically asked for gummy bears this year, but maybe that felt too much like a joke? I dunno. If I don't have a list, it's actually pretty hard for my wife to pick out things because she's incredibly practical and I also tend to buy a lot of what I want myself. Meanwhile, I'll do things like make a Baby Yoda out of Model Magic since she wanted a Baby Yoda and there wasn't any merchandise available yet. My art skills are horrendous, so it looks like a third-grade art project, but she loved it. And I know the reason I do silly but sentimental stuff like that is that my brain is wired differently.
You don't know how all people feel my dude. Some of the greatest gifts for people that have lost someone they love are reminders of them.
But really, you should have a serious heart-to-heart talk with her. It's obviously something that bothers you, and it should. The value isn't in the reciprocal monetary amount, but in the thought behind the gifts, which is how it should be. I'd be honest and say that it isn't about the cost of the gifts, but the lack of thought that goes into them. And also say that you understand that she has to think about what to get her kids and husband. Maybe even say that you'll continue giving your thoughtful presents because that seems to mean a lot to you and that it might be better if she just doesn't need to think about getting you something if the effort isn't going to be there. Not as a slight or insult against her, but there would be less damage to your relationship over time that way.
Question, do you know how much effort she put into picking out gifts for her husband? Some people are just really bad at knowing what to buy someone. I get that you specifically asked for gummy bears this year, but maybe that felt too much like a joke? I dunno. If I don't have a list, it's actually pretty hard for my wife to pick out things because she's incredibly practical and I also tend to buy a lot of what I want myself. Meanwhile, I'll do things like make a Baby Yoda out of Model Magic since she wanted a Baby Yoda and there wasn't any merchandise available yet. My art skills are horrendous, so it looks like a third-grade art project, but she loved it. And I know the reason I do silly but sentimental stuff like that is that my brain is wired differently.
You don't know how all people feel my dude. Some of the greatest gifts for people that have lost someone they love are reminders of them.
This isn't so much a "my gift giving isn't reciprocated in equal measure" as it is "I put all this love into you and you don't think about me at all."
And when you look at it that way, your feelings are completely justified.
I would scale back on her gifts. You don't have to be like "alright, I'm gonna get you a pack of granola bars from Wal-Mart or some shit" but you shouldn't do massive labors of love if it's just going to hurt you in the end. It's not about the gifts as much as it is a one-sided relationship, so you need to bow out.
And when you look at it that way, your feelings are completely justified.
I would scale back on her gifts. You don't have to be like "alright, I'm gonna get you a pack of granola bars from Wal-Mart or some shit" but you shouldn't do massive labors of love if it's just going to hurt you in the end. It's not about the gifts as much as it is a one-sided relationship, so you need to bow out.
Maybe it's a joke then? To get you a hat of a team you hate? Sibling ribbing?
Either way you need to slow down on creating narratives in your head; your sister probably didn't scour the town looking for the perfect Dallas Stars hat in Houston she probably ordered it form the internet like how most people get their gifts.
But TBH your evidence of why you think she'd know you hate the Texans is pretty sparse.. you turn down season tickets and then want to watch basketball on Thanksgiving.. OK.. maybe your sister just doesn't pay attention to that kind of thing?
OP
OP
I don't know how else to tell you that it is very, very clear between my family and I that I don't like the Texans. Like, explict, we actually, literally talk about it. I've said it to them many times, "I hate the Texans." It's a well known thing in my family. We are sports nuts, it's not something they gloss over, they outright know that I don't participate in their texans viewing parties, don't go to games with them, don't follow the NFL. This comes up, because my family talks about sports constantly and whenever the subject switches to the NFL, I always say "I don't follow the NFL, I hate the Texans." But talk about college football, and we'll talk for hours. We go to college games together, we talk college stats together, it's night and day.
I have to laugh at you telling me not to create narratives in my head.... then going out of your way to invent scenarios about my own sister, that you don't know, regarding whether or not she knows things about me, with absolutely no knowledge of how my family operates or what our shared interests are.
Op, not everyone likes to give presents or has the skill to think of such meaningful presents as you do. That being said, your sister really goes out of her way to give you the worst presents possible and it really feels as if she just picks something up from her house. Could it be that she has money problems and a busy schedule with the kids and all? If the husband is the cheap one maybe he gives cheap presents to his family and she wants to even it out?
Actually a pack on granola bars might be a perfect gift. "Here this is for when you get the munchies. Goes good with coffee. Meanwhile I got myself a PS5 and Xbox Series X...you know lame ass presents for myself. Merry xmas!"
Well it's either thoughtless or purposeful which might be kind of a joke thing; but she got your other sibling a similarly cheap hat.. so honestly I wouldn't get so offended personally. Any gift like a $10 hat is one of those "buying you something because it's the tradition" things.
Most families that I've known don't buy every single person in the family a gift for some of these very reasons; they might pull names out of a hat for the adults and then have everyone buy the children stuff. Everyone smiles at the cheap gift and moves on to let the kids open their loot.
Giving christmas gifts to adults is not important for everyone. I've allowed for the possibility that she hates him and is giving him stuff she knows he dislikes on purpose. But since OP said they have a good relationship, it's most likely not the case. (Or he's wrong about their relationship, but you shouldn't come to that conclusion solely from a christmas gift)
Because he's an adult whining about the quality of his christmas gifts. I called it that because it is that.
OP
OP
They do not have money problems. My brother in law is the kind of person who likes to get drunk and loudly tell the room that he makes more than anyone else present, who likes to bring up his checking account on his phone and start showing it off. They're that kind of people.
She's just being selfish then, she wants great thoughtful gifts and mentions when that doesn't happen but can't put in the effort for others. Is it possible her god mother stopped giving her things for a similar reason? Like her 50th birthday went by and she didn't even get her a card or something like that.
I haven't read all 4 pages so maybe there's some twist but from the 1st page responses from OP I want to say if you're as close as you say you are with your sister you should EASILY be able to say "this is fucked up" to her and not hurt her feelings. ESPECIALLY about the fucking bottle opener when you're a recovering alcoholic. That is something she should absolutely be able to look at while wrapping and say "You know what this probably isn't something my brother would want or need. In fact this could easily cause my brother to fall off the wagon".
Christ I'm not THAT close with my sister and she bought me a 6-pack of some good beer because, wait for it, she knows I love beer! That probably took zero effort other than her seeing it at the grocery store and going "I'm gonna pick this up for him because he would like it".
Your sister seems either flat out clueless, cruel, ignorant, or a combination of all three. Make it known how hurt you are clearly and without question and it'll stop.
She also asked if they wanted wine a couple times according to the OP, so that makes me think she actually just doesn't know the intense struggle of his alcoholism
To me, this could mean that they're not as close as OP thinks they are, she's extra busy and is super forgetful, or she doesn't like the OP for some reason. Or their sister is not so subtly telling the OP to stop giving gifts to her based on how they give gifts to others. Honestly the only option is to ask her, because the wine opener is definitely an offensive gift to give you.
You're right to feel hurt, OP. I'd stop trying with her gifts until she starts trying with hers.
I can only see selfishness and laziness here... I feel bad for you, OP.
Try to have a heart-to-heart with her alone. If she's not up for it, reduce the quality of the gifts. Maybe then she'll understand.
I get that basically all options available to you are confrontational, but I feel like these are the least so, to avoid doing nothing.
Try to have a heart-to-heart with her alone. If she's not up for it, reduce the quality of the gifts. Maybe then she'll understand.
I get that basically all options available to you are confrontational, but I feel like these are the least so, to avoid doing nothing.