Am I overreacting to this gift-giving habit of my sister?

[DrewFu]

Thing is, I love my sister, and my brother. I don't want to "bring her down a notch," I don't want to get petty or even with them. I love them, I don't want to hurt them or make them feel bad. I like that about our family, we never were ones to be mean to each other or hold grudges or anything. We would actually talk about how lucky we were that we weren't like families who couldn't stand each other.

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I love my brother, and we're even best friends - but if he gave me a magazine for Christmas, I'm going to give him an ear full. The gifts your sister has given you sounds beyond insulting.

I don't know the extent of your relationship, but why not at least talk to her about it?

 

[Alligatorjandro]

I think the messed up part is she gave you a wine opener.

 

[noquarter]

Thing is, I love my sister, and my brother. I don't want to "bring her down a notch," I don't want to get petty or even with them. I love them, I don't want to hurt them or make them feel bad. I like that about our family, we never were ones to be mean to each other or hold grudges or anything. We would actually talk about how lucky we were that we weren't like families who couldn't stand each other.

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You don't have to get petty, try just being direct and letting her know how you feel. You dont have to do it with any kind if anger or anything, just straightforward "I feel you dont put any thought into the gifts you give me. The wine bottle opener is not good as I'm a recovering alcoholic; I have never had an interest in hunting or guns, so the magazine was not interesting; and im not a football fan or a Texans fan. I will always appreciate gift cards though."

You should address it with her though as it does appear to bother you.

 

[DrewFu]

It's amazing how many people in here seem to just think that you shouldn't expect reciprocity, and that's the end of it. While that is completely true (that you shouldn't expect reciprocity), gifts absolutely can be insulting. Getting a magazine or a beanie for a team she doesn't care about is absolute bullshit gift giving.

 

[LukeOP]

Eh, my family came to the conclusion that gifts should only be given to children during the Christmas holiday or to your significant other.

Exchanging gifts with all the adultsgot out of hand and needlessly expensive.

 

[DrewFu]

Eh, my family came to the conclusion that gifts should only be given to children during the Christmas holiday or to your significant other.

Exchanging gifts with all the adultsgot out of hand and needlessly expensive.

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That's... depressing.

 

[PlanetSmasher]

Thing is, I love my sister, and my brother. I don't want to "bring her down a notch," I don't want to get petty or even with them. I love them, I don't want to hurt them or make them feel bad. I like that about our family, we never were ones to be mean to each other or hold grudges or anything. We would actually talk about how lucky we were that we weren't like families who couldn't stand each other.

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Then it sounds like you just need to talk to her. If your family is that close and you approach it calmly, what's the problem. Just be honest and tell her the truth. Don't shit on her or call her a jerk, just tell her that some of the gifts she's given hurt your feelings. Specifically mention the wine opener because that's the one that feels the most misguided.

 

[LukeOP]

That's... depressing.

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Not to my wallet it ain't. I'm not spending thousands of dollars each Christmas.

 

[DrewFu]

Not to my wallet it ain't. I'm not spending thousands of dollars each Christmas.

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Thousands of dollars?! The fuck are you getting your family? Between my parents and my brother, I spend around $200 or so.

 

[Rygar 8Bit]

Give the kids stuff, but don't focus so much on her. Seems she just doesn't care.

The wine opener and making fun of your weight are big signs.

 

[LukeOP]

Thousands of dollars? The fuck are you getting your family? Between my parents and my brother, I spend around $200 or so.

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That's how Christmas used to be at my family. I habe 2 brothers and 1 sister.

Later on, I get married, and one of my brothers gets married, and my sister gets married. Cool, now we add in my sister's siblings and parents. Now, we all have children, so we then add them to the gift list. And now we are getting gifts for 20 plus people.

 

[LegendofJoe]

My brother and I have an agreement. We both know that we love and care about each other. We don't need to give each other gifts to ensure we still care, so we don't. I'd actually be annoyed if he gave me a gift.

I buy gifts for my two kids and the parents of my wife and I. My wife and I barely buy gifts for one another. We just don't care for consumerism. When we do something for one another it's usually an experience or something we need (like replacing broken down appliances, electronics, furniture, etc.).

 

[crimzonflame]

Thousands of dollars?! The fuck are you getting your family? Between my parents and my brother, I spend around $200 or so.

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That's... depressing

 

[GatsGatsby]

I can relate a lot OP I take a lot into consideration when I get things for people to make it special. In return I get things I like but its basically me telling them what I want and they buy it.

 

[DrewFu]

That's... depressing

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lol How so?

 

[DrewFu]

That's how Christmas used to be at my family. I habe 2 brothers and 1 sister.

Later on, I get married, and one of my brothers gets married, and my sister gets married. Cool, now we add in my sister's siblings and parents. Now, we all have children, so we then add them to the gift list. And now we are getting gifts for 20 plus people.

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Fair, I can see how that could get out of hand. Still, thousands seems crazy to me.

 

[thewienke]

I'd start wrapping her presents in the most inconvenient ways possible.

Plastic wrap balls, weld something together, rivet some plexiglass, gift card in a jar of glitter, package things in old iPhone boxes, etc.

 

[Failburger]

Give the gift of your company. I do that every year and people love it and it costs me nothing but time.

 

[Thunder11]

Stop getting her gifts.

 

[LegendofJoe]

Now that I think about it some more, even as a kid I wasn't into buying gifts. I preferred to do something for them instead. I baked cakes, made breakfast, cleaned up the house, did yard work, and when I was feeling bold I made something by hand. I need to start teaching my kids to be that way, haha.

 

[Deleted member 33533]

I'm surprised by all the people in the thread saying OP shouldn't expect anything in return for their gifts as if that's the issue. Actually, I shouldn't be. People hardly ever read past the title.

OP, how do you react when you get these gifts? Just smile and thank her? If so, you're letting her know she can walk over you and it's ok. Your sister, no matter how close you are, takes you for granted. You should have a talk with her about it. Your mom has the right idea.

I mean, the hunting mag and sports team hat clearly were things they had around the house so she probably didn't even think of you until last minute but the wine bottle opener was just insulting. I'm really curious how you reacted to getting that.

 

[Ocean Bones]

Her and her husband are douche bags. It sounds like he get shit for his side of the family at least. Get her 5 dollar gift card to dollar tree and have it wrapped in a used Subway sandwich bag for her next gift and then move on.

 

[Draper]

Yeah, I'd probably stop giving gifts.

Which is what I've done in my own life- save for my gf and my parents; they get spoiled.

 

[Necron]

You know what to do:
Next Xmas gift her something she really hates.

The bottle opener is beyond careless and almost intentionally malicious.

 

[Sheepinator]

She does sound inconsiderate. However, as a teacher with two kids she is probably incredibly busy, so that's a mitigating factor. Also, you cannot demand that any gift recipient puts in the same effort you do. That's not what the spirit of giving is about. I think your best solution OP is to stop exchanging gifts with the adults in the family, just say that from now on you'll give the kids gifts up to a certain age, say 16 or 18 maybe, and that's it. She'll probably be relieved, and you'll be less annoyed.

 

[DrewFu]

Maybe give her something really random - like a single windshield wiper or a lightbulb or something. lol

 

[Deleted member 60729]

It's amazing how many people in here seem to just think that you shouldn't expect reciprocity, and that's the end of it. While that is completely true (that you shouldn't expect reciprocity), gifts absolutely can be insulting. Getting a magazine or a beanie for a team she doesn't care about is absolute bullshit gift giving.

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Yes, but once it happens a couple times, and it becomes clear that it's a pattern, you don't just continue to do things as usual and continue to build that resentment. You talk it over. Staying silent and harboring resentment over it is contributing to the problem.

 

[Deleted member 60582]

Outwardly it seems like she's still, at least in private, the sister you grew up with. In front of other people though, it seems like she's being really passive aggressive for seemingly no reason other than wanting to embarrass or otherwise make you uncomfortable. I'd suggest a nice "wtf is your problem" talk.

 

[ItIsOkBro]

any kind of negative reaction to a gift is an over reaction in my opinion.

maybe it's because as a kid i had a few negative reactions and looking back it's kind of embarrassing and reacting the way feels like something i grew out of.

 

[Deleted member 12790]

I'm surprised by all the people in the thread saying OP shouldn't expect anything in return for their gifts as if that's the issue. Actually, I shouldn't be. People hardly ever read past the title.

OP, how do you react when you get these gifts? Just smile and thank her? If so, you're letting her know she can walk over you and it's ok. Your sister, no matter how close you are, takes you for granted. You should have a talk with her about it. Your mom has the right idea.

I mean, the hunting mag and sports team hat clearly were things they had around the house so she probably didn't even think of you until last minute but the wine bottle opener was just insulting. I'm really curious how you reacted to getting that.

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When I got the wine bottle opener I just said "Well maybe I can use it for cooking wine or something" and said thanks. We were raised not to look a gift horse in the mouth, my dad would be super disappointed if someone would indicate they were upset with a gift. His family grew up super, ultra poor and he was pulled out of highschool at 14 to go work for money to help support his family, as the oldest of 11 children. So when he got a gift, it was rare, and you never were supposed to be ungrateful.

My mom isn't like that at all. She told me this story about how her mom, also poor, once got her entire girls-portion of the family, which consisted of 5 sisters and 2 brothers, a play kitchen set for christmas. It was one giant set, like a play stove, a play fridge, etc. Since they couldn't afford toys for every kid, they split it up, so one daughter got the stove, one got the fridge. My mom got the broom. She said when she opened her present on christmas day, and saw that she had gotten a broom for christmas, she cried uncontrollably, and my grandpa, who didn't know my grandma had done that, ran out and got her some shoes or something to make her feel better. She said that getting her a broom for christmas hurt her feelings so badly, even though she knew it wasn't meant to be that way, it just was something she couldn't control. So it's pretty natural that my mom was upset that my sister gave me that beanie when she knew I had been asking for gummy bears.

 

[DrewFu]

Yes, but once it happens a couple times, and it becomes clear that it's a pattern, you don't just continue to do things as usual and continue to build that resentment. You talk it over. Staying silent and harboring resentment over it is contributing to the problem.

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Right, I said in my most above that, that she should talk about it with her.

 

[thesoapster]

She kinda sounds like an asshole. You can't change the other person. The more work and care you put into your gifts, the more it's going to matter to you. That's how things actually end up going - we care about the people we put the most effort into.
As many have said, dial it back.

 

[Golden]

I normally do not expect reciprocity, the past two years plus my birthday I've been a-ok with just the good feelings I get from giving them something that made her cry, or made her kids squeal with joy. The main reason I feel so hurt right now, and why it made me reflect on the pattern, is because I specifically asked for something this year. I normally don't do that, but losing weight was something very personal for me, and I shared it with my sister every step of the way, so I was hoping she'd make me feel good about it. When she not only didn't give me candy, but mocked me for it, it just made me stew and think about how crappy it'd been the last several years.

I just feel hurt, is all.

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I think, you have some legitimate reasons to be annoyed, and I would discuss it with your sister. There does seem to be a pattern of extreme thoughtlessness in the present giving.

 

[chubigans]

You're not going to get anywhere unless you have a sit down talk with her about it. Maybe she feels like she's deserving of all the gifts you give her, but doesn't think the same for you. Maybe that links back to some prior childhood thing you're not thinking of. I'm not trying to justify her behavior, I'm just saying nothing good will come of this pattern of behavior for the next five years unless you actually talk to her about it.

 

[Deleted member 12790]

My god mother just texted me and said she's going to go buy me a huge bag of gummy bears, I think maybe my mom talked to her last night about this gift :)

 

[captive]

You wrote 10 paragraphs complaining that you don't recieve the gifts you think you deserve.

Also, your gifts are pretty creepy. You made a collage of her pet that died 5 years prior, kinda fucked up.

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Do you people not read?

His sister gifted him, a recovering alcoholic, a wine opener. Do you even have any idea how inconsiderate this is?

 

[Glasfrut]

Talk to your sister. If not about the gift, then about making fun of you in front of the fam. She probably didn't realise it would hurt you. And if it hurts you enough to send you here, it's not something you should bury.

Explain, don't accuse.

 

[DrewFu]

My god mother just texted me and said she's going to go buy me a huge bag of gummy bears, I think maybe my mom talked to her last night about this gift :)

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Ha, there ya go.

 

[0ptimusPayne]

I stopped giving gifts to everyone awhile ago. I buy gifts for my GF and my nephews. Keeps it simple, and everyone doesn't have to feel pressured in figuring out a gift to give back in return.

 

[bananab]

I think you should let your mom talk to her. I get not wanting to make an issue of it, as it feels crummy having to raise it yourself, but it's hurting your feelings and should be raised by someone. But I also don't think your sisters crummy gifts mean she loves you any less. She might just suck at giving gifts, or have a mentality like gifts for siblings are meant to be stocking stuffers or something. The Simpsons DVD sounds almost like a lightning in a bottle situation where a kinda mediocre gift just happened to align with your strong sense of sentimentality. I agree with others that it might be best to dial way back on your effort toward her and redirect it toward other folks in the family that will appreciate it more. Don't agree with posters saying you need a lesson in selflessness, these things do matter. We aren't living the moral of a Christmas TV special.

 

[BarryFishFinger]

Dial back the effort you put into your gifts. She's basically giving you the sort of random 'good enough for people I don't really know, £10 maximum value' secret santa gifts, the crap you give to people at work and the crap you get from people at work (which is why I stopped getting involved in secret Santa at work).

She doesn't deserve handmade thoughtful presents. Get her fuck all next year and just get stuff for her kids.

 

[Deleted member 33533]

To me you're overreacting, yeah...Not everyone is good about gifts... Just because you make lots of effort doesn't mean your family should be pressured to do the exact same! At least she still does gifts and that what should truly matters... At the very least talk to her about it before coming here... Maybe she doesn't have enough money to spend on EVERYONE... and again you don't need yourself to make super gifts to everyone, i'm sure she won't complain if you give her mundane shit too

I suck at gifts, i never know what to do, so rather than waste money into something that they will maybe not like (i know it's the thought that counts, but might as well not waste money into that), i usually give money or a coupon for a restaurent of their choice and so on, and it's fine!

Thankfully my family stopped doing gifts (we're all adults), we just see each other for dinner and everyone bring something to eat or drink! And if we found something that we're sure the other people will like, then we make a gift, but we don't feel obligated to do it! Sometime everyone has a gift, sometime nobody, sometime only one, but nobody is ressentful because of that!

And that's great, cause i would hate being pressured into doing gifts that they'll probably not like (because again, i suck at it) and spending tons of money into these

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It's not that the gifts aren't as thoughtful as OP's though. It's that they're awful and often insulting. A hunting magazine for someone who doesn't hunt? (And her husband does? Hmmmm) A fucking wine bottle opener for a recovering alcoholic?

Come on. By your logic, we should be happy if our family gave us a piss soaked rag as a gift. Or a bag of nuts when they know we're deadly allergic to them. She couldn't even buy OP a bag of gummy bears when they asked for it. She got them a hat for a team they don't even like. If she didn't already own the hat (which I seriously suspect) the candy would've probably been cheaper and easier to get.

Now be honest, did you actually read the whole OP?

 

[DrewFu]

I stopped giving gifts to everyone awhile ago. I buy gifts for my GF and my nephews. Keeps it simple, and everyone doesn't have to feel pressured in figuring out a gift to give back in return.

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I'm kind of in the same boat. I buy gifts for my immediate family, and that's is.

 

[Deleted member 12790]

Ha, there ya go.

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See, this is pretty much exactly the kind of thing I'm talking about, that my godmother texted me this morning has me feeling really good right now. Incidentally, I have a DVD made for her where I cut together a ton of footage of me and her daughter playing as kids. Her daughter is my oldest friend, we have been friends since we were both toddlers. That's how she became my godmother, actually, I wasn't baptized till I was 15 and thus got to choose who my godmother was. She was my neighbor, and since her daughter and I were good friends (like I consider her a sister to me), she was the natural choice.

My godmother always gets me presents on christmas even when I tell her she doesn't have to. Knowing that I'm special in her life, and she's special in my life, even if I'm not religious anymore, matters to me.

 

[LegendofJoe]

Maybe give her something really random - like a single windshield wiper or a lightbulb or something. lol

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That's hilarious, maybe wrap the wipers up separately and have a good laugh until they open up the 2nd one.

 

[Knight in Shining Armani]

That's... depressing

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Is it? We don't do gifts and it's been a stress free time without awkwardness.

 

[DrewFu]

It's not that the gifts aren't as thoughtful as OP's though. It's that they're awful and often insulting. A hunting magazine for someone who doesn't hunt? (And her husband does? Hmmmm) A fucking wine bottle opener for a recovering alcoholic?

Come on. By your logic, we should be happy if our family gave us a piss soaked rag as a gift. Or a bag of nuts when they know we're deadly allergic to them. She couldn't even buy OP a bag of gummy bears when they asked for it. She got them a hat for a team they don't even like. If she didn't already own the hat (which I seriously suspect) the candy would've probably been cheaper and easier to get.

Now be honest, did you actually read the whole OP?

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Exactly. It's amazing how many people don't seem to get that gifts CAN be insulting.

 

[greepoman]

My god mother just texted me and said she's going to go buy me a huge bag of gummy bears, I think maybe my mom talked to her last night about this gift :)

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You still need to talk to her. Do not let this blow over.

 

[DrewFu]

Is it? We don't do gifts and it's been a stress free time without awkwardness.

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I keep it very simple - I have a general price point that my family knows, and I just ask them what they want. I usually give my Dad and Bro a nice bottle of booze, and my mom a giant candle she always asks for. Boom, done. lol

 

[Saganator]

Some people are just hard to buy for because of various reasons. Could also be an indication the person just doesn't know you very well. I used to get kinda sad about the gifts my parents gave me in my teens, not because the gifts sucked, but their gifts were basically objects which represented the lack of relationship I had with my parents, they hardly knew me during those years and it was very obvious every Christmas and birthday.

 

[Deleted member 60729]

She may just not interested in exchanging gifts with you anymore, and she wishes you would stop giving her these elaborate gifts so there wouldn't be this imbalance. Her thoughtless gifts could be a way of trying to communicate this, and maybe she feels like you aren't talking a hint.

Which is crappy, and she should just communicate whatever she's feeling to you directly, if that's actually the case. But you aren't communicating your feelings to her either, so that's something you both have in common.