Am I justified in being pissed off at my brother, or am I overreacting? (Wedding related)

[Cudpug]

My brother is getting married tomorrow and I'm happy for the guy. We aren't close (we talk basically one day of the year, Christmas Day) and otherwise he knows very little about my life and vice-versa.

My brother is quite well off, on a 'London salary' and his fiancé also earns a lot. I don't earn anywhere near as much and neither does my partner.

For his wedding he decided he wanted me, my dad and some other guests to wear matching suits. He told my parents I had to rent it and it would cost £130 to do so. He didn't ask me if I'm OK to do that - he never messages me directly as we barely talk - I just randomly got a message from my parents saying I need to get measured for a suit and it would cost £130. I did it at the time reluctantly.

I then got a message from my mum yesterday saying 'don't forget to get your brother a gift or money for the wedding, they'd prefer money'.

Now I'm not doing badly for money exactly, but with the cost of living increasing, various other things I've had to pay out recently (totalling 100s for car insurance and various other things), the assumption that I have 100s of pounds going spare to spend to attend his wedding is rubbing me the wrong way. It's the assumption that specifically annoys me - my brother has no idea what my financial situation is, and he just assumes it's absolutely no issue for me to pay out £130 for the suit, and then to also give him some money as a present as well.

And when I kicked up a fuss to my parents, of course I got the whole 'it's your brother's wedding, stop being difficult' conversation from them.

I've ended up chucking £30 into his wedding card (no idea if that's insulting or not but it's all I can really afford right now?), so for the privilege of attending his wedding it's costing me £160 before I factor in fuel to get there etc.

Am I being petulant or do you think I'm right to be a bit pissy about this situation?

One thing is for sure - if/when I get married, I would NEVER expect or tell my brother that he needs to spend £130 to wear a suit I've chosen for him. I would never decide -anyone- has to spend money on me, as that isn't a fair decision for me to make.

 

[napkins]

fuck him. your feelings are justified

 

[DBT85]

For one, you pay for your groomsmens suits, for two you get what you're given.

 

[excelsiorlef]

Nah your feelings are valid

If a rich guy wants matching suits he should have paid the rental

 

[NekoNeko]

It's not that much if you don't struggle like you said. Just do it.

 

[Fanuilos]

The suit thing seems weird, my uncle covered the cost for that when I was his best man because he wanted matching suits. That kinda just exacerbates the gift thing.

 

[Nikus]

You're in the right here

 

[echoshifting]

If they're as well off as you say, yeah it's pretty shitty to ask you to foot the bill for the suit. That would traditionally be a cost associated with the wedding itself, I believe, and those costs are a big part of the reason it's acceptable to ask your guests for cash gifts in the first place.

 

[keiichi]

Your Brother should have footed the bill for all the suit rentals

 

[MrKlaw]

the suit - if you're not in the main party (like best man or a bridesmaid) then it seems a bit odd to push a specific suit on you. And assume you'll pay for it. But you've already sucked that up. The gift you don't know if thats coming from your brother or your mum, and it doesn't say how much. Its a wedding, it seems logical to consider giving a present. Its also fair for that present to be flexible based on what you can afford/are comfortable spending. If thats £30 thats fine. He'd perhaps have gotten a bit more if he hadn't pushed an expensive suit

 

[PinkSpider]

For one, you pay for your groomsmens suits, for two you get what you're given.

Click to shrink...

This. I was not rich but not poor at the time and it wasn't even questioned, I was best man, the mate told me when to turn up (A Sunday after a night out), we got measured and he's a stingy git sometimes (We did have to have a conversation the other day in which I explained you are rich mate, I was fairly rich pre losing my job and you're on double my salary) but he paid for all the suit rentals.

 

[excelsiorlef]

I'd have made a donation in his name to a charity and put that in the card

 

[neonglow]

Can you ask your parents to pay for the cost of the suit? You can then be free to use that same amount as a gift for your brother.

 

[Sayre]

The matching suit that you're forced to pay is annoying. The gift is more likely your parents ask than your brothers. I just can't see the groom asking to remind you about gifts.

Generally gifts are the norm but it is also the norm to have up to a year to give a gift. If you have a financial issue, I'm sure after communicating that to your brother (after the wedding), he would understand.

Wedding norms kinda sucks but the same will apply to you if/when it's your turn.

 

[FinalRPG]

This is pretty standard for a wedding. They are spending far more on your attendance than you are. I'd go with a cheap but thoughtful gift instead of a low amount of cash though.

 

[The Smoking Man]

He should have covered the cost of the suits, at least. The gift thing, eh whatever. My family has a pretty loose gift-giving tradition of just showing a token effort but not really caring about the amount or anything much. I know some families are much different here.

 

[davepoobond]

you're in the right, but is it worth being right when in 10 years they pull the "you only gave me 30 bucks" card?

not sure why theyre making you pay for the suit.

 

[whytemyke]

It's been a decade since I've had anyone foot the Bill for the suit rentals, so I don't know where everyone is getting that.

But I've also been told that the suit rental is basically your wedding gift, so if you get anything beyond that you're just being extra generous. Generally your gift should cover your plate at the wedding and that's it.

Sorry, OP. You got screwed.

 

[HeySeuss]

For one, you pay for your groomsmens suits, for two you get what you're given.

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I just got married last week and I didn't pay for my groomsmens suit rentals. That's not really expected anymore.

 

[Cudpug]

Wedding norms kinda sucks but the same will apply to you if/when it's your turn.

Click to shrink...

I appreciate this but the reality is, on principle, I wouldn't ever assume anyone can shell out that kind of money on me based on a decision I've made. It kind of doesn't matter to me if it's 50 quid, 100 quid, 150 quid etc. - I have enough emotional intelligence and empathy to know not everyone has that kind of money, especially right now, and at the very least I'd ask them first if I did want them to pay towards something - I wouldn't just decide it for them.

 

[Random Painted Highway]

I've never been in a wedding in which the groom foots the bill for the suit rental. Also, unless this was sprung on you last week, you should have budgeted for this. 50 bucks is fine as a gift.

 

[BringBackSonics]

Uh. typically the Grooms family supposed to pay for his groomsmen suits, corsage and groomsmen gifts. So he can fuck off.

 

[AznMan37]

Are you in the wedding party? If so then it's pretty normal for the groomsmen to foot the bill. I've always done so the weddings I've been in. I also just got married and all my groomsmen paid for their suit rentals as well. But I also told all of them that they aren't expected to get us a gift, most of them did anyway.

 

[excelsiorlef]

This is pretty standard for a wedding. They are spending far more on your attendance than you are. I'd go with a cheap but thoughtful gift instead of a low amount of cash though.

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So?

 

[Puggles]

Wedding's are a scam

 

[Squarehard]

He's making you pay when you're family? That sucks.

 

[Dringus]

Fuck him, I personally wouldn't show up

 

[RailWays]

Nah your feelings are valid

If a rich guy wants matching suits he should have paid the rental

Click to shrink...

This

 

[Supreme Bean]

My brother is getting married tomorrow and I'm happy for the guy. We aren't close (we talk basically one day of the year, Christmas Day) and otherwise he knows very little about my life and vice-versa.

My brother is quite well off, on a 'London salary' and his fiancé also earns a lot. I don't earn anywhere near as much and neither does my partner.

For his wedding he decided he wanted me, my dad and some other guests to wear matching suits. He told my parents I had to rent it and it would cost £130 to do so. He didn't ask me if I'm OK to do that - he never messages me directly as we barely talk - I just randomly got a message from my parents saying I need to get measured for a suit and it would cost £130. I did it at the time reluctantly.

I then got a message from my mum yesterday saying 'don't forget to get your brother a gift or money for the wedding, they'd prefer money'.

Now I'm not doing badly for money exactly, but with the cost of living increasing, various other things I've had to pay out recently (totalling 100s for car insurance and various other things), the assumption that I have 100s of pounds going spare to spend to attend his wedding is rubbing me the wrong way. It's the assumption that specifically annoys me - my brother has no idea what my financial situation is, and he just assumes it's absolutely no issue for me to pay out £130 for the suit, and then to also give him some money as a present as well.

And when I kicked up a fuss to my parents, of course I got the whole 'it's your brother's wedding, stop being difficult' conversation from them.

I've ended up chucking £30 into his wedding card (no idea if that's insulting or not but it's all I can really afford right now?), so for the privilege of attending his wedding it's costing me £160 before I factor in fuel to get there etc.

Am I being petulant or do you think I'm right to be a bit pissy about this situation?

One thing is for sure - if/when I get married, I would NEVER expect or tell my brother that he needs to spend £130 to wear a suit I've chosen for him. I would never decide -anyone- has to spend money on me, as that isn't a fair decision for me to make.

Click to shrink...

I think it would be standard that he should have paid for the suits.
However it is also absolutely standard that you should give a gift for a wedding. I think £30 would be scraping it, definitely very low as a gift to your own brother!
Maybe call it quits, and don't worry so much about what you have paid for suit, petrol etc

 

[AndyD]

For one, you pay for your groomsmens suits, for two you get what you're given.

Click to shrink...

Exactly. We paid for all the groomsmen/bridesmaids, their wedding outfits, hotel if traveling, food the whole time they stayed in town. And we made it very clear when we asked them to participate. Some paid for themselves because they wanted to, but we were ready to pay for whoever wanted us to.

 

[vixolus]

Are you in the wedding party? If so then it's pretty normal for the groomsmen to foot the bill. I've always done so the weddings I've been in. I also just got married and all my groomsmen paid for their suit rentals as well. But I also told all of them that they aren't expected to get us a gift, most of them did anyway.

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yep

 

[joefro]

If I'm in a wedding party I'm not getting them a gift, never have, never will. There's so much money that goes into all the fucking parties and shit, I've never felt the need in the several wedding parties I've been in. But, I do pay for my tux rentals/purchases.

 

[i_am_ben]

He should have paid for the suit.

But a £30 gift to your brother is going to cause a shitstorm if you are truly ''not doing badly for money'' as you say.

 

[Neece]

lol my family and friends are poor. I've been in two weddings and both times I had to pay for my own suit.

I never knew the tradition was for the groom to pay for it. Never even questioned it.

 

[blakeseven]

This is pretty standard for a wedding. They are spending far more on your attendance than you are. I'd go with a cheap but thoughtful gift instead of a low amount of cash though.

Click to shrink...

Yup.

 

[PinkSpider]

Are you in the wedding party? If so then it's pretty normal for the groomsmen to foot the bill. I've always done so the weddings I've been in. I also just got married and all my groomsmen paid for their suit rentals as well. But I also told all of them that they aren't expected to get us a gift, most of them did anyway.

Click to shrink...

My stingy (I will call him that, he knows) mate didn't expect this. I got him a bottle of something (And he did me to be fair, and I'm one of those sad people who doesn't drink that expensive bottle of something). Gave him a cash, probably £50 gift and bought most his drinks all night. None of that was expected though, we partied hard (He did not consummate or care that night and we danced long into the night). I feel there is a difference between expected and celebrating though.

 

[Instro]

This is pretty normal, you're being weird. If you're really that low on money, maybe ask your parents for help?

 

[Adder7806]

I think you're being pissy. It's a big day for your brother, don't make it about you.

 

[CrazyDude]

Have you talked to anybody, you brother or parents, that you are not in the most secure spot financially?

 

[YagizY]

I've been in multiple weddings where I am in the grooms party, I have paid each time for my suit rental. I have also paid for a gift. I had a great time at those weddings and certainly ate, drank, and danced enough to not worry those up front costs.

I think your issue lies more with the fact that your brother and you don't have a very good relationship and I think this could be an opportunity for you two to make amends.

 

[Deleted member 26526]

Anecdotal maybe
But my brother who isn't exactly well off paid for all our suits

I don't talk to him anymore but that's not wedding related…!

 

[Sayre]

I appreciate this but the reality is, on principle, I wouldn't ever assume anyone can shell out that kind of money on me based on a decision I've made. It kind of doesn't matter to me if it's 50 quid, 100 quid, 150 quid etc. - I have enough emotional intelligence and empathy to know not everyone has that kind of money, especially right now, and at the very least I'd ask them first if I did want them to pay towards something - I wouldn't just decide it for them.

Click to shrink...

Footing the bill of the suit that he asked for is definitely annoying and I would be pissed about that. Giving a gift is expected. Just think of it as covering for a fun party with food and (presumably) open bar.

It sounds like you haven't talked to your brother. If this really annoys you, I feel like he will understand. I don't really fault him for assuming since that's typical of weddings. It's a scam and the norms are ridiculous, but so far I haven't heard a ridiculous ask from him yet.

Generally if cost is an issue, then you could choose not to participate and not go. Being family makes that awkward, but that's why I feel if you communicate it, it will work out.

 

[Ra]

I appreciate this but the reality is, on principle, I wouldn't ever assume anyone can shell out that kind of money on me based on a decision I've made. It kind of doesn't matter to me if it's 50 quid, 100 quid, 150 quid etc. - I have enough emotional intelligence and empathy to know not everyone has that kind of money, especially right now, and at the very least I'd ask them first if I did want them to pay towards something - I wouldn't just decide it for them.

Click to shrink...

Do you have the emotional intelligence to have a conversation with your brother about it, instead of having an internet tantrum? You could've just told him how you felt and asked him to pay for the suit rental.

 

[Lothars]

30 is fine, Heck any amount is fine because it's a gift. your giving what you can afford.

 

[Ferrio]

Pretty standard but the suit thing is kinda an asshole thing to do, especially if he's the bread winner of the family and knows you're tight on money. Why me and the wife had no other people in the ceremony, wear what you god damned want you heathens just show up.

 

[excelsiorlef]

I think you're being pissy. It's a big day for your brother, don't make it about you.

Click to shrink...

Demanding your wedding party seemingly last minute wear identical matching specific suits is some weird shit

 

[FinalRPG]

So?

Click to shrink...

So what? I'm just saying this should have been expected and the OP had months to prepare for this. I don't think the amount reaches a threshold where you would need to ask your guests if it's okay. Even if the brother is well off they might not be able to pay for every single expense for every guest.

 

[OrigamiPirate]

I am a married person, I have navigated similar.

You are not in the wrong, full stop. Family or not, your brother is not obliged a gift from you, given your actual relationship with him as detailed in your thread, I believe you met expectations by renting the suit required by him out of your own wallet.

 

[Cat Party]

You are perfectly valid for feeling the way you do.

But what you are describing is pretty standard stuff for being in a wedding.

 

[Cudpug]

Do you have the emotional intelligence to have a conversation with your brother about it, instead of having an internet tantrum? You could've just told him how you felt and asked him to pay for the suit rental.

Click to shrink...

We don't talk - I don't have his phone number.

I'm not really throwing a tantrum - just wanted to see what other folks think of this situation. I'm paying the amount he's asked for, it just left a bitter taste and I thought it might make for an interesting discussion here.