broke up with my girlfriend of eleven years last year
time will heal you bro, just focus on your friends and future
time will heal you bro, just focus on your friends and future
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10+ Years Relationship Ended and I Feel Like Shit
- Thread starter Phantom
- Start date
So I broke it off with my gf of 9+ years earlier in the decade...but I did it out of necessity, I should have left years earlier. I loved her with all my heart and I am at peace with the time I spent with her, but it took me a long time to get here.
A few bits of key advice that I can only give now that I'm in my late 30's:
- Accepting the end takes time. Stop trying to self-analyze and figure out what you did wrong. It's not easy, but practice. There is a very high chance that you didn't "do something wrong" but that you both grew apart over time- realizing in different ways or at different moments. It doesn't matter anymore.
- Don't obsess with mistakes or hound her for more information. If you have any "eureka" moments where you realize you did fuck up, don't destroy yourself with those thoughts or go back to her with a drunken apology. Use it, grow from it and be better for it.
- Balance personal space with social interaction. let yourself be alone when you think you need it, but don't isolate completely. If you're feeling vulnerable or emotionally unstable then vent to someone who you trust implicitly, write your thoughts, create something, listen to music, exercise and sleep. If you get lonely, seek out activities- Sports, board game nights, reunite with an old group of friends. This balance is key.
- Be careful with dating. Do not force yourself to "get out there" if you don't feel ready yet. Some people will tell you that having some fun is important, but be safe about it, stay sober and do not sleep with a friend. Now that you're single, you may have a friend suddenly express sexual interest. Be very, very careful about this. I thought I was ready, I had an attractive friend proposition me to start a casual thing- at first I played it cool but after a while my vulnerability and sadness put her off. Even worse, because of my vulnerability, being treated this way fucked me up really bad. I felt used and hurt, I was too ashamed to show myself around a very important group of friends. I've seen other friends make this mistake too. It's a common one. If you want to date soon after, try to meet someone new.
- Pace yourself. It's ok if you're not ready to move on emotionally. It's ok if you're not ready to be intimate with someone. It's ok if you're not ready for a serious relationship. Resist the urge to fill this empty hole with another partner. Take care of you first.
- Therapy. I know some people are uncomfortable with this but it probably saved my life. I found the right therapist, I started to learn how to value my own self-worth and take better emotional care of myself. It matters.
Happy to talk any time. It sucks now, it will suck for a little while---but it does get easier.
Yep the house has almost certainly gone up in value so you deserve that as well.
Dude I feel you. I'm on a similar situation at the moment and it really sucks. I am now in the process of getting divorced after 9 years of being with my soon ex-wife (3 years of marriage). We have a house, 3 dogs and last year I lost my job. I'm 32 and currently living with my brother because I don't have any money to survive on my own. I started to going to therapy and that is the only thing I can really recommend you to do. I feel like shit everyday but honestly therapy is the only thing that is keeping me from going insane (also my family and the 2 dogs I brought with me).
Hmmm...I don't know how living with her and not being with her would work. Best thing to do is sell that shit and move on as it sounds like she has.
Once a woman has made up her mind and moved on, there no convincing her otherwise. If you do, it will NEVER be the same. Just sell the house and get on with your life . Of course we don't know the intricacies of your relationship, but from a topical standpoint, it seems like it's the best for both parties. Cut your loses and start over.
The great thing about love is that you'll always have enough to give. This will hurt and if you loved her, it should. Take your lumps, let it burn, fuck other people and do your best to move on with out her.
It's important that if you feel hurt, cry - don't hold it in. Get it out of your system because it will find another way out if you don't let it take it's natural course.
Once a woman has made up her mind and moved on, there no convincing her otherwise. If you do, it will NEVER be the same. Just sell the house and get on with your life . Of course we don't know the intricacies of your relationship, but from a topical standpoint, it seems like it's the best for both parties. Cut your loses and start over.
The great thing about love is that you'll always have enough to give. This will hurt and if you loved her, it should. Take your lumps, let it burn, fuck other people and do your best to move on with out her.
It's important that if you feel hurt, cry - don't hold it in. Get it out of your system because it will find another way out if you don't let it take it's natural course.
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Pretty much all of this. I has a similar experience. Known her for almost 10 years, married for 8, broke up/divorced 5 years ago.
We grew apart and stuck together because, marriage, and we didn't communicate as we should have. She realized all of this way earlier than me and it came in like a freight-train. It was rough but in the end going our own ways was the best thing to do.
I was lucky as it happened as I was moving to Germany (she planned to follow after her education was done a year later) so there where plenty of nights of just overthinking everything but the longer I was away from her without contact in an apartment with only my stuff, the easier things became.
Getting out of the house and into your own living space with nothing to remember her by is def something I think would be smart.
Not a lot people get this second chance at freedom, take advantage of it and live your best life.
Sell the house, don't let her buy you out. Have it valued properly. If you insist on letting her buy your share make sure there is a sell on clause so you benefit if she sells it within 10 years for more.
it is not being petty it is about being financial sensible. You have to put Emotion aside.
it is not being petty it is about being financial sensible. You have to put Emotion aside.
I had this happen to me a year and a half ago after a 2 year relationship, just have to try and be happy being single again, push yourself everyday and you'll get there.
I'm sorry to hear that OP. The 2 biggest things that have helped me get through tough breakups in LTRs have been:
1.Realizing that you deserve better than someone who doesn't want to be with you
2. Working on yourself/finding a new hobby. The goal is to get to a point where something about you has changed compared to where you were in the relationship. It'll help you feel like you've started a new chapter in your life. Be sure that whatever it is you do is a positive thing.
Also sell the house. As others have said the value has no doubt increased and you deserve whatever your half is valued at now, not what it was valued at when you bought the place.
1.Realizing that you deserve better than someone who doesn't want to be with you
2. Working on yourself/finding a new hobby. The goal is to get to a point where something about you has changed compared to where you were in the relationship. It'll help you feel like you've started a new chapter in your life. Be sure that whatever it is you do is a positive thing.
Also sell the house. As others have said the value has no doubt increased and you deserve whatever your half is valued at now, not what it was valued at when you bought the place.
It's going to depend on how angry you are about the whole thing, but this would be a pretty vindictive approach that's likely to put unnecessary boundaries on your (and her) personal growth after the split. I'd say a more mature middle-ground would be to have the house valued, let her buy your share at current market value, then take your money and go and buy a new house for yourself and start fresh.
I can't imagine trying to move on from an ex but also needing to monitor how much her house is worth for another decade. Every house is going to appreciate in that timeframe, unless it collapses.
EDIT: To be clear, the odds of her actually being able to buy your share at the current market value are probably fairly low. So you might end up having to sell the house anyway.
Clearly you haven't been in a situation like this or you wouldn't make such a dumb ass comment.
Sorry about this OP. Went through this situation myself. When a person tells you they are no longer happy with you if usually means they have found new "happiness" with someone else. It's unfortunate when they don't say what they mean and try to justify their cheating with arbitrary bullshit to make themselves look better in the situation. I personally wouldn't give them the validation of kicking you out so their new dick can move in.