10+ Years Relationship Ended and I Feel Like Shit

[Phantom]

I know I'm not the first nor the last to whom it will happen, but 2 weeks ago my girlfriend of the past 11 and a half years broke up with me. I debated on whether or not I should create this thread but ultimately thought it's a good coping mechanism.

I feel like my world is crumbling around me. We have a house together and a dog. She wants to keep both (and rebuy my house share). I have mixed feelings of sadness and anger. Part of me wants to sell the house (probably as misguided vengeance) and the other knows it would be better for my ex to keep it. My problem is all the consequences are on me: moving, finding somewhere to live, downgrading from suburban lifestyle, etc.

I've been with this girl for ~1/3 of my life. Now, we barely talk. She said she just wasn't happy anymore... feels like a BS reason to me but what do I know. Also said we no longer share the same interests, etc.

I guess time is the only solution. But it stings a lot and I'm not sure how I'll rebound. The mere idea of having to date another girl and basically redo everything from scratch feels bad...

 

[Video Games Are Dumb]

I hate to say it but the two things you'll need to do is slow down and get busy. Sounds impossible, I know. But find a therapist. Please. Don't skip this part.

Then find some hobbies and own your space and time.

I am sorry for your loss.

 

[golem]

You could maybe suggesting trying some kind of couples counseling?

Though if she says shes not happy and you call BS that's not a great start

 

[Lumination]

It may not be a bad idea to sell her your share. It wouldn't be great for your mental health to sit in that house, and a change of scenery will do you good. Just make sure you're getting fair market value and not just half of what it was worth when you bought it.

Emotionally, you'll be ok. I've been there. You'll get through it. Take a year to slowly process. Don't be afraid to lean on friends, that's why they're there. Don't dread meeting other people. It can be the motivation you need to become the person you want to be. But that's for future you. For now, just focus on getting through this in as many intact pieces as possible. Good luck, friend.

 

[Alvaro]

Similar situation happened to me, 7 years together with my now ex-wife, same reason as yours. She can be selfish for that same reason, but now you have to move on. We Bought a house together, 2 kids. Time heals, hit the gym, slowly things will get better

 

[julia crawford]

I mean...... not being happy is definitely not a bs reason man. It's like the most common reason to end a relationship most of the time.

 

[echoshifting]

Happiness is kinda everything, especially if there are no kids. We all only live once.

Hopefully greener pastures ahead for both of you.

 

[KOfLegend]

Not a romantic relationship, but one of my best friends of 12+ years dropped me for absolutely no reason. I'm 19, so he was a part of my life for more than half of it. It was pretty rough. Hang in there.

 

[ZeroX]

I've been with this girl for ~1/3 of my life. Now, we barely talk. She said she just wasn't happy anymore... feels like a BS reason to me but what do I know. Also said we no longer share the same interests, etc.

Click to shrink...

I mean what do you think is bullshit about not being happy

 

[AGoodODST]

Really sorry to hear that OP. Cliched as always but time is all that's going to heal it. Sounds like one of things were you have both just drifted apart. It happens.

Just Keep yourself busy and focus on yourself as much as possible. I personally would definitely think about selling the house. Not out of vengeance but to make sure you both get your fair financial share.

I went through something similar in 2017 after 8 years. World shattered, felt like I had absolutely nothing. But as time goes by you crawl yourself out that hole, get back on your knees and eventually find yourself standing up straight and a new exciting chapter of your life.

It's okay to hurt now, you'll get there eventually.

 

[Neece]

.

 

[RDreamer]

It sucks, especially after so much time. But you can't force feelings on someone and sometimes you can't understand other feelings like that. If she's not happy then she's not happy. Sometimes you have to accept you won't understand.

I guess time is the only solution. But it stings a lot and I'm not sure how I'll rebound. The mere idea of having to date another girl and basically redo everything from scratch feels bad...

Click to shrink...

This is the universal feeling in the aftermath, I think. Just don't worry about that now, because it's going to be strange and daunting and sad all at once. Focus on getting on your feet and finding yourself. You'll get there with time, as you said.

 

[JLP101]

Stay strong OP, staying busy, keep your mind active on things you like, get professional help if needed, talk to people etc.

 

[fanboi]

The happiness angel is actually a thing.

I am in a 14-15 years relationship, dogs,
cat, horse, bunnies, house and two kids and I almost ended it just due to unhappiness.

 

[Necron]

It'll take a lot of time and effort, but one day you'll look back on all this as positive change.

Stay strong OP and I hope you can move past this.

 

[Inugami]

I mean...... not being happy is definitely not a bs reason man. It's like the most common reason to end a relationship most of the time.

Click to shrink...

It's a horrifyingly common reason, and a perfectly reasonable one... but it's also nearly impossible to explain to a partner that is still happy. It's a hugely nebulous concept that could have a million reasons behind it. Some obvious, some not even to the person who's unhappy.

It doesn't make OP's surviving such a break up any easier I know... But eventually her unhappiness would have been his unhappiness one way or the other.

 

[Combo]

Learn to be happy single.

 

[BringBackSonics]

Were you blindsided by this? You said she mentioned you guys don't talk anymore and that she isn't happy?

Sorry man,

 

[Immortan]

people drop things asap if it doesn't bring them happiness. As said before not a BS reason at all. Some people drop video games after 10 minutes because it doesn't bring joy. You had a 10 year relationship and in the end you both changed. Be happy you are only maybe going to lose the dog and house. Others in the same boat lose way more if they have kids and what country they live in.

Going to take a lot of time to adjust because 10 years is a good chuck of time, but as you said it will take time and time you need to process.

 

[ffgameman]

I'm so sorry.

I feel miserable because my GF of 8 months broke things off a few weeks ago. Just hurt, confused, and frustrated. I can't imagine how you feel. Hang in there and take care of yourself. I wish i had better advice or more comforting words. Praying that things get better for you.

 

[Mollymauk]

It may sound fair to have her buy out your half, but you would be sacrificing any future equity. The only true fair thing would be to sell the place outright.

 

[astro]

How about we don't start lecturing OP because they're feeling torn and maybe a little bitterness is happening which is natural? They are human too.

OP: it's going to hurt a lot, but I really suggest you make it as easy for her as possible and she will very likely do the same for you. Breaks can devastate, but time does heal, and you will likely make it worse for yourself long term if you act on your bitterness to feel good in the short term.

Sorry you're going through it. Best of luck.

 

[Gamer @ Heart]

Like others said, stay busy and find someway to spend that time on yourself. The easiest way is working out, but there are less obvious ways like finally taking some online course on something you've been meaning to do or planning and actually making a nice big meal for yourself and experimenting with recipes.

Also, do not sell your share. Explain that that house is worth more than just your share at this moment in time.

 

[Phantom]

Yea I guess BS isn't the right way to describe it. It's just that I don't feel like much changed and the reasons given to me seem weak. The worst part is not understanding what you did wrong.

 

[Golden]

Sell the house, you need to get your fairshare share.

 

[astro]

Also, do not sell your share. Explain that that house is worth more than just your share at this moment in time.

Click to shrink...

And this, OP. I say make it easy on her when it's reasonable, but also look out for yourself. I have no idea how this works, but I'm assuming the above is something you should look into and get informed about before you take any action.

 

[blakeseven]

If she wants to buy you out of your share make sure you get a proper valuation done and get half of that and not what you originally purchased the place for.

 

[Vamphuntr]

Sorry for your loss OP. It's always painful when a long relationship ends. My guess is that it would probably be better for you to leave and try to find your own footing. Myself I needed some time alone when my longest relationship ended. Living in the same house now might be more painful especially if you have to sit around while she talks with her friends and family about what is going on. If you don't have the means financially to leave, it might be for the best to sell your share of the house to her. Take it slow and try to talk with your friends and loved ones about it. Get into a hobby and go to the gym. If you are too hot headed to deal with the financial matter right now it might be a good ideal to get legal help or an intermediary to deal with that.

 

[Speedlynx]

Being unhappy is a legitimate reason for her to end things.

However, you deserve closure. She should be able to articulate why she is no longer happy, for your sake. If you break up with someone you at least owe them that.

 

[carlsojo]

Are you good at making friends?
In your career are you able to move and find a job elsewhere with relative ease?

If so, sell the house and move somewhere nice and sunny.

If not, stay in the house. I don't see why you're the one that has to move.

 

[Snake Eater]

I know I'm not the first nor the last to whom it will happen, but 2 weeks ago my girlfriend of the past 11 and a half years broke up with me. I debated on whether or not I should create this thread but ultimately thought it's a good coping mechanism.

I feel like my world is crumbling around me. We have a house together and a dog. She wants to keep both (and rebuy my house share). I have mixed feelings of sadness and anger. Part of me wants to sell the house (probably as misguided vengeance) and the other knows it would be better for my ex to keep it. My problem is all the consequences are on me: moving, finding somewhere to live, downgrading from suburban lifestyle, etc.

I've been with this girl for ~1/3 of my life. Now, we barely talk. She said she just wasn't happy anymore... feels like a BS reason to me but what do I know. Also said we no longer share the same interests, etc.

I guess time is the only solution. But it stings a lot and I'm not sure how I'll rebound. The mere idea of having to date another girl and basically redo everything from scratch feels bad...

Click to shrink...

Just be glad you don't have kids with her, it's going to be very painful but time does heal and so does putting yourself out there

 

[siteseer]

Others in the same boat lose way more if they have kids

Click to shrink...

yeah, as noted at least you guys didn't have kids. that one is brutal, because it is by far the most difficult part of a break up.

good luck, op. you'll recover.

 

[K' Dash]

I'm so sorry OP, please go find a good therapist and have a long talk.

I would definitely sell the house, but don't make any major decisions until you have had some time to yourself and calmed down.

 

[Deleted member 5028]

Yea I guess BS isn't the right way to describe it. It's just that I don't feel like much changed and the reasons given to me seem weak. The worst part is not understanding what you did wrong.

Click to shrink...

Could be anything. Could be a collection of small things that just add up. Maybe she wanted to get married, have kids and maybe she didn't get the sense of urgency from you. People do weird shit all the time but it's how they feel so there's no point holding that against them.

if you really want to keep her in your life, suggest some time apart and couples therapy. As long as you're willing to listen and talk you may find out what's changed lately

 

[Leo]

Is OP's gf gonna show up in the thread for her version of the story?

 

[ToddBonzalez]

Not a romantic relationship, but one of my best friends of 12+ years dropped me for absolutely no reason. I'm 19, so he was a part of my life for more than half of it. It was pretty rough. Hang in there.

Click to shrink...

That honestly can be a very rough experience also. We understand that romantic relationships end because most people only want one partner and a point can be reached sometimes where the best option is to move on and seek another partner when things aren't going well. But friendships aren't like that; it's possible to have any number of friends, so it can be hurtful when a close friend decides to cut you out.

 

[Jonathan Lanza]

We have a house together and a dog. She wants to keep both

Click to shrink...

Now that's uncool

 

[onadesertedisland]

So my advice is to treat this like a death, because that's what it is. Your relationship died. You will need to grieve. There are theories to the stages, sure, whatever, but take time to let yourself grieve. Don't rush into any financial things right now, and don't spend too much time alone. Try not to get vengeful towards your ex, it won't help. Just know, that it's ok to feel how you're feeling. And if you feel overwhelmed or can't take the grief, please ask someone near and dear for help and support. There's not a quick fix for this, and it's absolutely going to hurt for a long time, if not forever. But it will hurt less with each passing day. Go no contact if you need to, it will make things easier. You need some separation to help your brain recognize that it's over.

 

[LegendofJoe]

It's a horrifyingly common reason, and a perfectly reasonable one... but it's also nearly impossible to explain to a partner that is still happy. It's a hugely nebulous concept that could have a million reasons behind it. Some obvious, some not even to the person who's unhappy.

It doesn't make OP's surviving such a break up any easier I know... But eventually her unhappiness would have been his unhappiness one way or the other.

Click to shrink...

I think a lot of people mistake unhappiness with boredom. Some people need to shake things up and try new things after a while. That doesn't mean you have to leave your partner behind though, they just need to be willing to expand their horizons with you.

 

[Phantom]

Is OP's gf gonna show up in the thread for her version of the story?

Click to shrink...

Zero chance. I'm laying it out as honestly as I can. I think it's a mix of wanting to travel/experiment. I was her first and only boyfriend. Things change sure, but I was legit being more expressive and caring. About a month ago we had a serious talk and she expressed some issues she had with our couple. I took steps to fix said issues but I think it was already too late.

My main gripe is how I think said issues are fixable. But I can't make her love me if she no longer have any feelings for me. Add the fact she was still saying "I love you" the day before breaking up and it's hard to not think she lied, even if it wasn't really to hurt me.

 

[Kurdel]

I've been there Phantom , I know exactly what you are going though.

I was 8 years with my ex, and we rebuild a house together, but in my scenario I bought her share of the house after she left me. The thing was a curse, no way to escape memories that were made on every inch of that house we worked on together, definitely was a huge part of my mental breakdown that followed the break up. Took 2 years to sell it, includeign a full year I was paying for nothing because I moved back with my mom (move that literally saved my life).

I understand how ego comes into play, especially if you weren't the one to end it.

But you are better off letting go of the house if you think there is a remote chance that what happend to me might happen to you.

 

[Roxas]

I'm going through the same thing OP, 6 year relationship ended a few days ago, and it was my fault, I work at a big firm and the workload can sometimes be too much, I am constantly depressed due to this and other things and she had enough at some point, I think she was right to leave and all but I'm lost completely, had moved in with her and all, and now I dunno what to do. So I'd say, yeah, happiness can definitely kill a relationship, and it's not a BS reason

 

[the magical kitsune]

Oof, this is going to hurt, sorry to hear that. I'm sure any advice will ring hollow right now because the pain is fresh, but in a way you should let it hurt in order to truly overcome it. The way out is through, or something.

All I can say is that nothing is over, you are presumably in your 30's and the world is still out there for you, even if it things seem pointless right now. You will adjust to this new stage of life and slowly work your way back to reality, and if everyone keeps saying it does get better then there must be some truth to it. I wouldn't do rebounds, it feels like you're trying to cover up the freshly created void with something that can't fill it in. I'd rather a relationship come naturally to me when I feel like I want to try again with someone. You can't make someone love you back, and you deserve someone who does and will fight to be with you

 

[Inugami]

I think a lot of people mistake unhappiness with boredom. Some people need to shake things up and try new things after a while. That doesn't mean you have to leave your partner behind though, they just need to be willing to expand their horizons with you.

Click to shrink...

I agree with this, but there is also the flip to this, some people don't want to do new things and in that case, boredom is just as valid of an excuse as any other.

People should make efforts, but just because one or both sides are trying doesn't mean that the problem can be solved.

 

[Psittacus]

If you want the dog you should fight for it OP.

Yea I guess BS isn't the right way to describe it. It's just that I don't feel like much changed and the reasons given to me seem weak. The worst part is not understanding what you did wrong.

Click to shrink...

Sometimes you don't do anything wrong and the relationship still ends, try not to think about it that way

 

[Garlic]

She broke up with you and she wants the house and the dog? Rough

 

[Aurica]

The worst part is not understanding what you did wrong.

Click to shrink...

I think it's important to recognize that you may never understand and try to accept that. I think it can eat you up inside if you focus on that. I'm sorry that you're going through this. I can't imagine, and I've had my whole life uprooted by a split.

 

[Jaychrome91]

I'm sorry op, it sucks that she doesn't love you anymore. Do not sell your shares in the house. She is trying to screw you. Sell the house and be done with it. If you want the dog, I would fight for it too. Like you said, you can't make her love you. Do not give into her demands. I can't say this enough, do not sell your shares to her and just sell the house.

 

[Hoo-doo]

Unhappiness is probably the single most legitimate reason to end a relationship. We're on this planet for way too short to remain attached to something that does not make you happy.

Grieve and move on. It'll be rough for a while but you'll be okay. Focus on yourself for a while.

 

[Grizzel Greedigut]

Op! This shit no joke just happened to me on sunday. My gf of 10 years told me she loves me, but is not in love with me anymore and fucked off to austin texas for 4 days. We were so cool and never fight. I never saw it coming. Really. So, i have no family, no real friends and im broke. Im basically starting my life over at 44. It fucking sucks dude but ive alreadly found a 2nd job and i should have enough to move out before june. Yes we still live together. She really didnt think this through. Im taking the cats. Turn your anger into a fully focused fuck you laser beam and immediately improve your life and make her regret everything. My 2 cents.